April's Real Blog

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Lifetime commitment to wine

Liz and Mom went out 2 the back deck and sat in the same spot where Mom had been sitting when she lost her patience (ha!). Liz had poorly rendered bare feet, while Mom had what looked like mutant hooves. Liz sed, "I just wanted it 2 B simple, Mom. No big deal! But it's still so...." Mom interrupted w/"I know, dear." 2 bad. I wonder how Liz would have ended that sentence. Mom went on w/"Every1 gets tense when they're planning a wedding. There R so many details--and besides, it's not just a party! It's an enormous decision. U're making a lifetime commitment 2 someone... 2 build a future and a family w/him... 2 B faithful and loving and honest and strong. This is a major turning pt in yr life!" Liz got this staring, gobsmacky look on her face, and cd've sworn she heard a southern-USA accent saying, "Darlin', quit it w/that Dixie face U Pattersons get when U have that 'looking-in-the camera' expression." Mom thot she saw a dashing man passing through the yard just then, 2.

NEway, after Mom sed that bit abt "turning pt," Liz looked @ Mom and sed, "Shd we put wine on the table? ...Or have it served?" Then Mike came out the back door (holding a milk bag he wanted 2 "borrow") and sed, "No! If U're going 2 say 'wine,' U have 2 make a pun. On 'wine' and 'whine.' How can U pass up a pun-opportunity like that?" And Liz sed, "Go away, Ugly brother! U have no idea how stressful this is 4 me! U got 2 sit back and let Mira plan yr wedding! I have 2 do everything myself! AUUUGHHHH!" And Mike ran away.

Jeremy, thanks 4 coming over last nite so we cd hold ea other up.


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  • At 8:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The last thing your sister needs is more wine. Her idea of socializing is getting what she calls a little tipsy and what normal people getting stinking drunk so I can foresee a huge disaster if the thing isn't dry. Heck, half of the stunts she pull only make sense if you assume she's half in the bag all the time.

  • At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I agree with dc2. Looks like Liz had too much w(h)ine already.

    Gah. That was a major set-up by your ugly brother. He's evil.

    I hate to say it, but the rat from that group you helped to treat at the clinic the other day died within 24 hours after that Pastis guy did. When the rat found the body, he keeled over himself. I think it might have been due to a heart attack brought on by shock. Just a heads up in case the clinic falls under investigation.

  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i think we all agree that liz + alcohol = bad, bad, bad.

    omg on rat! sum1 told me there's gonna b a "loophole" 2 make them not dead, but i have no idea how that wd work!


  • At 7:28 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I guess I picked a dangerous time to borrow milk. I was simply trying to instruct and inform about the proper timing of the pun.

    Elizabeth seemed to think I had it easy with Mira Sobinski planning my wedding. Nothing could be further from the truth. There was the constant fighting and bickering which is a part of the wedding preparation process, and I was involved in it all the way, standing behind Deanna. It took quite a bit of effort to get Deanna into that Romona Keveza Gown, against Mira Sobinski’s wishes, until she actually saw Deanna in the gown, of course.

    Actually, formerly little sis, the strangest part about being in a wedding is the knowledge that, as a groom, you seem to forget all of what happened in the wedding due to the trauma induced. For example, I was reading on mom’s website about my wedding and could swear things were different in the actual wedding from what is described.

    For example, the description says that one of Deanna’s bridesmaids was her friend, Maxine Hébert. But I seem to remember that the other bridesmaid was Deanna’s friend Judy. It also says that in addition to Lawrence Poirier as my best man, I had two groomsmen, Gordon Mayes and Jeff Myers, Deanna’s brother-in-law. When I think back to my wedding day, I only remember Lawrence Poirier standing at the front with me. It also says we were married by Mr. Carl Ptashnik, when I remember the fellow’s name being Rev. McBean. And I could swear the reception was at the Hillcrest Golf and Country Club and not the local legion, as described in website.

    Things can be very confusing during weddings. Perhaps I will pay better attention at Elizabeth’s wedding.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, i can't believe i m abt 2 say this mike, but i think mayB u remember things the way they happed, but whoev made that webpage changed stuff. like how sum1 wants every1 2 think the ghost of emma sue jenkins is the ghost of grandma marian?


  • At 8:06 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your sister is considering wine on the table or having it served? Well, unless Anne Nichols is doing this for free at the Empire Hotel (I hope not or there will be a lot of people suffering from food-poisoning), someone is spending some money. Table service for wine is a very expensive thing at a wedding reception. If that is how your sister is thinking, then she is well past the “simple, no big deal” wedding and into the “take out a loan” wedding. It’s a good thing your father is a doctor and can afford all this.

    Speaking as a stepfather to my wife, Beatrice’s girls Ana and María, I am a little concerned about your mother’s statement, “to build a future and a family with him”. Your mom needs to be careful not to say something like that in front of Anthony’s daughter, Françoise. She will consider her father to already have a family with him, and not one coming in the future when your sister has kids.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i think that liz has no clue what things cost. & i don't think my 'rents r doing nething 2 change that!

    u're rite, it wd b really messed up of my mom 2 say those things 4 francie 2 hear. i hope she doesn't!


  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i rilly dunno y we hadda do this. register 4 gifts? isn’t that sumthin’ the bride & groom r supposed 2 do 2gethah? it wuz kinda weird. neway, @least registerin’ 4 gifts duzn’t cost nethin’. the sensible school marm store hadda a lotta good stuff in there. that set of bowls made 4 kraft dinners so u nevah drop a single macaroni on the floor wuz amazin’. i think i might needta get sum of thoze 4 my mom. then there wuz the magician’s salad bowl, which let u do all kindz of disgustin’ tricks w/salad & supposedly missing body parts. i know u didn’t like it, but i just know it’s the kinda salad bowl 4 a guy like anthony.

    i gotta say the worst part of it wuz sittin’ down w/the lady at the registry az she went thru our list. she actually thot we were the 1s gettin’ married. it’s mboro, so thass not 2 unlikely i guess. if u plan 2 get married rite outa senior secondary, then rilly ur talkin’ ‘bout a year ahead 2 plan 4 sum peeps. i remembah cindilu sera tonin registered her gifts 4 wen after grade 11 wen she planned 2 marry tom baddum aftah grade 12 wuz ovah. & did u freak out wen we found that gift registry 4 becky mcguire & howard bunt? thass gotta b sum kinda joke.

    neway, we survived that lecture frum the registry lady. “now, u kids think a wedding iz just a party. well, it’s not just a party. it’s an enormous decision.” & u sed, “no, the decision iz wen u get engaged.” & the lady said, “don’t smart mouth me. ur makin’ a lifetime commitment 2 sum1. well, i guess it’s this boy, anthony caine. funny u don’t look like anthony caine. u look a lot like that villain, jeremy jones. but i suppose it’s possible there cud b 2 anthony caines in town. the anthony caine i know keeps changin’ the way he looks, it’s hard 2 keep track. mebbe ur anthony caine in ur newest incarnation.” i sed, “i am jeremy jones. we’re registerin’ 4 anthony caine & elizabeth patterson.” then the lady sed, “well this girl looks like elizabeth patterson, except w/darker hair. i can believe that. but thass beside the point. she’s gotta look @u & say, ‘i know this guy’s az ugly az sin, but i still wanna spend my life w/him & 2 build a future & a family w/him.” u sed, “wut’s the difference between a future & a family.” the lady sed, “don’t get smart w/me. family meanz kids. future meanz u don’t get divorced. these r not difficult thingz 2 unnerstand, but u needta unnerstand them. this iz a majour turning point in your life.” u sed, “well ur lecture iz turnin’ my stomach.” then the lady sed, “insolent girl. u hafta look @this guy. now look @him. look! look! do uc a guy who iz faithful, lovin’, honest & strong? & i don’t mean body odor strong, cuz he definitely haz that. & i don’t mean strong like he can lift u like a feather, which can b fun. i remembah my abner usedta lift me. no, i mean strong like wen rilly bad thingz happen 2u, iz he gonna stick around or run like a pair of panty hose, wen it’s the last pair u have.” i sed, “wut? panty hose?”

    & u sed, “jeremy. ur like all those thingz aren’t u? ur not the kinda guy who wud break up w/me, just cuz u wanna work in the music biz & i don’t. u tell me xxactly how u feel ‘bout thingz & especially that u luv me. u always tell me the truth, evn if i don’t wanna hear it & u cud say it nicer than u do. & u stick by me, evn wen i act a little crayzee or if i make a bad pun by accident sumtymez.” & i sed, “ur like all those things 2. u came 2 visit me in hospital aftah i tried 2 run u ovah w/a bicycle. ur not afraid 2 tell me u luv me. every1 knowz u & ur grandpa r ‘bout the only persons in ur fam who will tell thingz like they r. & ur the only 1 in ur fam who’s not afraid of a little hard work.” then u started snugglin’ close 2 me & sed u thot i wuz the best bf & i kinda felt…u know…happy, & i sed havin’ u4 a gf wuz like a dream.

    then the registry lady sed, “well isn’t this special? @least ur not usin’ a st00pid checklist. next couple! next!!” that wuz funny, aftah all that big lecture.

    i luv u.

  • At 9:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i luv u, 2, jeremy jones!!! <3 <3 <3

    thanx 4 helping me w/the registry. i think the answer 2 y we were the ones who had 2 do it = liz was 2 lazy!


  • At 9:18 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April Marian Patterson, how DARE you call me lazy? You have NO idea what a bride goes through, planning such a major event! I have so many big decisions to make, I can't even concentrate when Mom yammers on and on about something to do with marriage or commitment or whatever it is she talks about when I'm trying to be a decider.

    You're lucky, April, you and your boyfriend get to goof off, holding each other up. I've got to worry about those ten RSVPs we haven't gotten yet!

    Liz Patterson


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