April's Real Blog

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


W8 a minute. What?

OK, @ sum pt during all the reminiscing over the past couple of wks, Mom and Liz decided on a d8 & location and sent out invitations. I still have no idea when the wedding is, cuz no1 tells me NEthing. I hope it's not gonna B a day when I've already got plans!

So, here's what happened. Liz was @ our kitchen table, hunched over her papers, while Mom filled yet another mug of coffee. Liz asked, "Have NE more RSVPs come in, Mom?" And Mom sed, "Yes, but we're missing abt 10." Liz, looking a lot like Meredith 4 a moment, went, "I hope they respond soon. I have 2 tell the caterers how many meals 2 prepare." Oh, that's EZ. Pretend all 10 will B there. If they don't show, Mom will eat their meals. NEway, Mom and Liz went in2 silhouette a moment B4 Liz sed, "Y do ppl w8 'til the last minute? How can we plan this if we don't know..." ::snerk:: Pot. Kettle. Liz. I mean, isn't this wedding being "planned" @ the last minute? But Mom didn't say that, instead, she sed, "Relax, honey!" Liz and Mom unsilhouetted, and Liz went, "I CAN'T!" This caused Mom not only 2 get a gobsmacked look on her face, but also 2 lose most of her forehead, so it became at best a .5-head.

Mom went outside 2 the back deck, placed her coffee cup behind her, shrunk, put a spindly rite hand on her rite knee, her left elbow on her left knee, and held her .5-head w/her left hand, mayB wondering how 2 reclaim it. Dad, also shrunken, put his left leg on the bottom step, so he was kinda lunging, and asked Mom, "How's it goin' Hon?" And Mom went, "If U're talking abt my patience .... it's gone." Dad sed, "'Patience' was not the referent of 'it,' and you know it, Elly. Don't play dumb 4 bad wordplay." OK, he didn't say that, but wdn't it have been cool if he had?


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  • At 3:07 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I don’t know if your sister is using that awful Anne Nichols at the Empire Hotel, but it certainly sounds like it. She is the type of person who would tell a bride-to-be she had to know the exact number of meals way in advance of the wedding. Now, if Anne is paying for the catering out of her own pocket as a gift to your family, then I might understand why she might be interested in knowing an exact number in order to keep her costs down. However, if it were I and I were contributing the food for free, then I would make enough to cover those RSVPs + 10 people as you suggest. After all, there are going to be some people who attend the wedding, who will never have sent an RSVP. Or in the case of my family, if we show up, we will be crashing the wedding. However, my wife Beatrice Alfarero is so angry with your sister right now; I doubt we will be there. There is one exception. My daughter María, who is pre-engaged to Paul Mayes, is coming to the wedding as Paul Mayes’ date. She plans to take notes for her own wedding. She likes to plan things way in advance, unlike some people we know.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:38 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. As you can tell from the conversation you reported between mom and Bridezillabeth, not all things are happy in the wedding-planning camp. You may have noticed that my wife, the lovely Deanna, was also not there. Let’s just say that she had enough of it and came home fuming something about how she preferred planning a wedding with her mother than planning one with Bridezillabeth, and she likes it much better when Elizabeth just poses and keeps her mouth shut. I’m sure she’s kidding. It’s been 7 years since my disastrous second wedding ceremony, ruined by my mother-in-law Mira Sobinski, and I still bear the emotional scars from it. I can’t imagine Elizabeth could be any worse than Mira. Elizabeth is a Patterson, after all.

    I spoke with dad about his role in wedding planning and he says he is kind of like the model train engineer who puts the train back on the track to keep the train moving. That analogy confused me too. He explained that his job is to sit with his trains out in the garage and stay out of the way of the wedding planning. Then if he hears any loud noises, indicating that the wedding train has become derailed, i.e. mom coming out of the house shrieking about Elizabeth being mean to her, then his job is to put her back on the rails (calm her down and send her back in the house). It sounds a little tedious to me, but it has to be better than dealing with Elizabeth herself.

    As for Anthony Caine, I ran into him the other day, when I was having my car serviced at Mayes Midtown Motors, and I happened to mention the problems with mom and Elizabeth planning the wedding. I congratulated him for keeping out of it. I only wish that I could have been as uninvolved with wedding planning in my own wedding as Anthony is in his. I probably could have been, had it not been for Mira Sobinski. I can only hope when the time comes for your wedding with Gerald Delaney-Forsythe, you will be as kind to him with wedding planning preparations as Elizabeth is to Anthony.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:57 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur mom haz u doin’ wut? purchase gifts 4 her attendants? i don’t think that shud b ur job. i mean, shudn’t ur sis b the 1 to purchase gifts 4 her attendants? plus this iz a totally whacked way 2 do it. go frum store 2 store 2c if ne of them wunt 2 contribute a gift 4 free 2 ur sis so she can give it 2 her attendant. she’s just gonna get sum crap stuff the store plans 2 throw away, cuz they can’t sell it. howevs, ur prolly rite the attendants will get better gifts that way, than if liz picked them herself. wut did u say, kraft dinner all around if it wuz ur sis pickin' stuff? thass funny.

    i know it’s a way 4u2 help & keeps u away frum ur sis. better'n her tryin' 2 beat u up, like she usually duz wen she's in a bad mood. so, i’ll go ‘round the stores w/u aftah u finish ur job @the vet clinic, eh? & i’ll help u wrap the gifts, evn tho i stink @wrappin’ thingz. i like b-ing w/u.

    i luv u.

  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy & i have, i think, been 2 every store in mboro asking them 2 don8 attendant gifts 4 liz's wedding. we've been tossing the stuff in2 the trunk of my car as we go. man, have we gotten sum weird donations. we haven't even had a chance 2 go thru 'em and c what-all we have.

    mike, if i get married sumday, i am NOT going 2 invite u. wanna know y? cuz u keep ignoring me whenev i tell u I AM NOT GOING 2 MARRY GERALD. do u like it when u keep telling sumbody sumthing, and that sum1 keeps ignoring what u say and contradicting u? no? well, me, neither.


  • At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Moira Kinney said…

    April, thank's for giving me a heads-up on your need for donated gifts. I have a couple of cases of remaindered copies of your brother's second novel, Blood Cargo. You are welcome to those!

    Moira Kinney

  • At 8:41 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You ask the question “Do you like it when you keep telling somebody something, and that someone keeps ignoring what you say and contradicting you? No? Well, me, neither.”

    That question is just lovely. You see, when I say, “You will eventually marry Gerald Delaney-Forsythe” and you say, “I AM NOT GOING TO MARRY GERALD,” you have ignored what I said and contradicted it. It is just like your question to me. However, because you are wrapped up in your own point of view, you cannot see that you are doing the same to me as you accuse me of doing to you.

    I am so proud of you I could just burst!! You have with one statement captured the heart and soul of what it means to be a Patterson. I think you have brought a tear to my eye. My little sister is so grown up.

    By the way, copies of my second novel, Blood Cargo, are superlative gifts for a wedding attendant. And, in case the wedding gets really boring (as I suspect it might considering the bride and the groom), I would be willing to autograph those gifts to liven up the party.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:42 PM, Anonymous Mr. Singh said…

    April, I can donate little toothpick flags of all the provinces of Canada. A well-meaning friend told me these would sell very well for Canada Day. My friend was mistaken.

    Mr. Singh

  • At 8:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, no, mike, u don't get 2 turn this around on me. i know that i will never marry gerald. i know my own heart better than ne1 else. (a good, supportive brother wd simply accept that. instead, u ignore me everytime i tell u that i won't marry gerald. u pretend i never sed it and go back 2 saying, "when u marry gerald" this and "when u marry gerald" that. that is awful, awful, awful of u. i know u pretend that pattersons never apologize, but one of mom's annotated albums has u apologizing 2 liz 4 teasing her. so u know what? u owe me a huge apology 4 insisting, over and over, that i'm going 2 marry gerald.

    hm, mayB what i need 2 do is 2 convince mom and dad not 2 like gerald. there r things i can tell her that will make her not like him. then the official "patterson" position will stop being "april will eventually marry gerald." it will b "thank goodness april will never marry that horrible delaney-forsythe boy!"


    p.s. mike, gerald h8s all yr books and sez u r a "foofy girly-man."

  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, long evenin'. wudya think? iz shawna-marie verano gonna get the paintin' of the dogz playin' poker & dawn enjo get the celine dion nightshirt or the othah way 'round? toothpick flagz 4 the flower girl might work. if the ring-bearer iz ur nephew,then no toothpicks 4 him. don't want him 2 eat them. course i guess the real prob iz that ur sis haz only told u thoze 2 attendants. mebbe she needz sumthin' 4 a groom's gift. & yeah, i'll clean out that rusty Hohner harmonica 4u. considerin' our histry, it's the least i can do. i dunno if it will play tho. it's pretty old & nasty.

  • At 8:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, do u think anthony's best man, whoev that will b, wd want the shrek2 flip flops? or the collapsible fabric doggie water bowl?


  • At 9:05 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You had me going there for a bit until you got to your P.S. “Gerald hates all your books and says you are a foofy girly-man." Despite all your protestations, that shows you still keep in touch with Gerald and value his opinion. It was the same with Elizabeth. Every time she came back to Milborough, she would always stop in with Anthony, even if she was dating other men. The trick is to read between the lines, and when I read the between the lines with you, they all say, “April loves Gerald.”

    Your other lines are interesting:
    1. “I know my own heart better than anyone else.” If I could count all the times Elizabeth said that, when mom mentioned Anthony to her vs. her “current” boyfriend, I would have a fortune.
    2. “You owe me a huge apology for insisting, over and over, that I'm going to marry Gerald.” Actually, I owe you a huge apology, if you don’t marry Gerald. That would indicate I and the rest of my family have failed you.
    3. "Then the official "Patterson" position will stop being "April will eventually marry Gerald."" Well, I can testify that these positions can change. For a long time, I thought Rhetta Blum was the one for me; but one day mom came up to me and said, “Michael. Your father and I just realized your girlfriend’s last name is Blum.” And that was it. I still don’t know what her last name had to do with it. Probably it’s a word that means, “Dates other guys.”

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, collapsible fabric doggie water bowl. i kinda like thoze flip flops.

  • At 9:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i m not like liz. i was abt 2 add that disclaimer 2 my other post, but i figured it was 2 obvious 2 mention. all those times liz sed she knew her own heart, she was wrong. since i am not like liz, i m rite.

    the reason i know abt ger's position on u and yr books is that our english teacher made us read blood cargo. when we were having a class discussion, ger cdn't answer the questions. our teacher sed, "gerald, u obviously haven't done the assigned reading. y not?" and ger stood up and shouted, "i h8 michael patterson's books, and he's a foofy girly man!" the teacher sent him 2 the principal 4 "blaspheming milborough's favourite home-grown author."


  • At 9:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, and btw, the thing abt "blum" was that it's a jewish name. mom & dad r anti-semites.


  • At 9:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, u can totally keep the flip flops!


  • At 9:49 PM, Anonymous Gerald Delaney-Forsythe said…

    I am in love! Her name is Adele Cohen. I am in the final stages of converting to Judaism. I've never been happier!

    After my conversion is complete, Adele and I are getting pre-engaged. I think when we get married, I will take her name.

    Gerald Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 2:53 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Saying you are not like Liz is not much proof of anything, especially if your comparison point is Liz saying she knew her own heart and didn’t, whereas you do. However, your steadfast insistence on this point, particularly with a lack of coherent facts, makes me proud. It’s like the culmination of years of living with mom and a testimony to your coming into your own as a Patterson.

    As for your reason you knew about Gerald’s position on me and my books, from an English class discussion, I should point out that Gerald’s response to the teacher’s questions is the one you remember and repeat. You try to deny your heart, but your own words betray you again and again.

    Oh, and by the way, Mom says the thing about "Blum" had nothing to do with it being Jewish. She said it had more to do with the number of syllables. Patterson has 3 syllables. Sobinski had 3 syllables. Blum only had one. With Gerald, he has Delaney-Forsythe with 5 syllables, which is a step up. Also Dad says that he and mom are not anti-Semites, as you have accused them. They are anti-Yosemites, because they will never take a vacation at Yosemite National Park in the states. They prefer vacations in Mexico. He says it’s a common error and people accuse him and mom of being anti-Semites all the time.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:59 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, if gerald invites me 2 a mitzvah of brit milah, i am not goin'.


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