April's Real Blog

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Mom's in2 recycling, U know.....

On that same day that I went 2 the beach w/Eva and Vicki, and that Mom was losing her patience, I made the mistake of trying 2 get Liz 2 chill. She had her elbows on the table, holding her head w/both hands. She had the wedding binder open 2 the page that featured her wearing her gown, and had a pamphlet, a magazine, a list, a pencil, and a cup on the table, 2. I put a hand on her left shoulder and the other on the scruff of her neck, while saying, "Lighten up, sis! U've got a whole month 2 go!" And Liz stoop up, grabbed her cup, and sed, "That's EZ 4 U 2 say! U can take off 2 the beach w/yr buddies! U can sit an' watch TV! U're not totally responsible 4 a major event here!"

Liz put her cup on the counter and I splayed one hand @ my sternum, Patterson style, and sed, "That's not fair! I'm helping! I'm in charge of the flowers, remember?! I addressed all the invitations! I'm making the table decorations!!!"

Mom had skulked in2 the room as I was saying that last bit, and we suddenly all went "AAAGHH!!" in unison, while reach our arms @ one another. Then we threw our arms around one another, and Dad showed up, all, "Group hug?" And Mom went, "No... We're holding each other up!"

I thought, "Huh, that sounds really familiar. " Then I realized that Mom used that same concept when she and Moira Kinney hugged back in February of 2006, rite after Mom agreed 2 sell the store 2 Moira. I know Mom says she prides herself on recycling, but there is no environmental benefit 2 reusing yr "jokes." Just boredom.


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  • At 8:55 AM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    You know, of course, that those missing invitations will magically become your fault, right? It's like the yard sale all over again, kiddo: you're going to spend the next few weeks dealing with an idiot who's too big and important to tell you what she wanted screaming at you for not reading her mind.

  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, duz ur sis evn sleep ovah @her place nemore? i mean i ‘bout freaked wen she walked in us az we were…um…how did u put it…”holding each other up”. well, u were more holdin’ me up than i wuz holdin’ u up, if u know wut i mean. sorry. that may be tmi 4 ur blog readerz. ur sis didn’t evn blink & sed, “how cud u do this, april?” & u looked a little mbarrassed ‘till ur sis sed, “while i am so bizzy w/weddin’ preparation.” & then u groaned & sed, “elizabeth. i have a month 2 finish the table decorationz, i have alreddy picked out the flowers & made arrangements with lawrence 2 deliver the flowers & the invites r all done. can’t u tell me ‘bout this 2morrow? i am kinda in the middle of sumthin’ here.” & then ur sis sed, “well, wen u get married, u won’t find me doin’ this kinda stuff w/anthony & ignorin’ u.” aftah she left, u sed, “hold on jeremy. i hafta get an image of my sis & anthony outa my head.” i sed, “i dunno y. u know she’s nevah gonna do this w/anthony.” then u laffed & sed, “thass 4 sure.”

    btw, i rilly like it wen we “hold each othah up”. i luv u.

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry to hear you're having such a miserable time with Elizabeth's wedding planning. All things considered, who's getting married and that kind of thing, I am not surprised there are a lot of tears involved.

    My wife, Beatrice Alfarero, says we had a great time planning our wedding, but I have a hard time remembering it, even when I look at the pictures.

    Anyway, since we moved after Beatrice stopped working for your mom, Beatrice assumes that this is the reason we did not get an invitation. She thinks it must have been sent to her old address and so she is waiting for it to be forwarded to her at our new address. If not, I think she plans for us to crash your sister's wedding. We shall see.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:49 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. When my wife, the lovely Deanna, read your story today, she spent the better part of an hour fuming about wimps and wusses and whiners and babies. She would like to point out that she did not shed one tear when she was altering Grandma Marian’s dress for Elizabeth, except that time when Liz stepped on her hand.

    However, Deanna was surprised to find out that you did the invitations and the flowers. As she puts it, “My mother and I spent days gathering all the right addresses for the invitations to my wedding, and the choice of flowers was a majour battle. I can’t believe Elizabeth would give that to April to do. After all, April is working at the vet clinic during the day, while Elizabeth is out of school and has nothing to do and Elly is retired and has nothing to do. Have Elly and Elizabeth actually done anything for her wedding aside from set a date and try on a dress? Honestly, Mike. I hated fighting with my mother over the wedding, but at least my mother and I cared what the flowers looked like, and we cared the invitations were addressed properly. No offense to April, but these should not be her jobs. She’s not the bride. If this keeps up, I may be at a point I have never been before, where I prefer my mother’s way of doing things.”

    I am sure Deanna is just kidding when she says that. After all the wedding preparation for my second, fake wedding was the worst experience of our lives, filled with horror and misery. I can’t imagine that the wedding preparation for my own sister's wedding would be worse than that. After all, my sisters and my mother have to be better than Mira Sobinski. You have to be. Of course you are. I will just put that thought out of my head.

    Happy thought! Happy thought! I feel better now.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:02 PM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    michael patterson,

    If that works for you, you go right ahead and believe that Dee is yanking your chain. The rest of us will off somewhere wondering what other crap Liz is about to pull.

  • At 3:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    w/all the stuff i have 2 do 4 liz, i hope no1 xxpects me 2 marry anthony 4 her!

    dc2, yeah, i guess i m used 2 being blamed.

    jeremy, i luv u, 2. us holding ea other up is one of the best things ever!

    howard, i can't even remember half of all the ppl i sent invites 2, so i can't say 4 sure abt beatrice getting one or not or whether the old address was the one mom and liz gave me. it's possible!


  • At 3:19 PM, Blogger howard said…


    As far as your sister’s wedding goes, we will probably be there, invitation or not, so don’t worry about the addressing.

    On a different topic, this is your blog and you can determine the content. However, I think I speak for all of your faithful readers, when I say it would be interesting to hear some of the details of your efforts on the flowers, the invitations, and the table decorations which perhaps your mother or your sister would simply tell in one or two sentences. I know that my daughter María, who plans to marry Paul Mayes at the earliest opportunity, would be taking notes.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:52 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i can tell this part 4 howard if u like. i know ur bizzy answerin’ questions frum the murder investigation of stephan pastis, since that drive-by shootin’ of hiz animalz which occurred aftah the events on monday kept u bizzy @the vet clinic. hen he turned up dead 2day which duz see m suspicious.

    ok, the invitations i know the best cuz i helped a little. april hadda get the invitationz 4 like no money. so where? cuz u know those thingz r like u hafta get them printed w/the xxact namez & stuff, so where ru gonna get them 4 free? it’s not like ur gonna have sum1 w/the xxact same name az elizabeth patterson & anthony caine & their ‘rents namez & stuff.

    so, april did an internet search & found a guy who actually duz wedding invites 4 free, no questions asked. we hadda go 2 a place in the bad part of mboro & meet w/this guy in his seedy apartment & his hair that stood str8 up, but he wuz rilly selling them 4 nothin’. & he printed them up & everythin’.

    the next part wuz gettin’ the addresses, which wuzn’t that hard cuz, az it turnz out, april’s mom haz kept a list of wedding invitees 4 elizabeth’s wedding up-2-d8, in case of a sudden wedding 4 years. all we rilly hadda do wuz address the envelopes & stuff them & lick them.

    so we were lickin’ away & april notices they taste funny. & so do i & i am startin’ 2 get dizzy. so, we hafta stop 4 a bit 2c if the dizzy goez away. we kinda hold each othah up, so we don’t fall ovah. so the dizzy goez away, but aftah that, we use a wet sponge 2 seal the envelopes. that wuz prolly a good thing 2 do, cuz l8er on we found out the guy who gave april the invitations wuz arrested 4 giving away cheap weddin’ invitations w/toxic glue & it killed sum girl named susan preppin’ 4 her weddin’2 a guy named george. pretty scary 2 think april & i coulda got killed by cheap invitations. the worst part wuz i had nightmarez all night i wuz chasin’ marisa tomei & tryin’ 2 tell her she didn’t deserve her oscar. weird.

  • At 9:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 filling in those deets, jeremy. what a crayzee day @ the vet clinic. goat and rat were the least injured from that drive-by shooting the other day, and they got released b4 the other animals. they went 2 stephan pastis's house 2 let him know that they were better and the others were stable, and... they found his body! the poor guys were so traumatized that after they were done w/their police reports, they checked themselves back in2 the vet clinic just 2 deal w/the shock.

    the vet, vet tech, and i were all questioned abt the condition of the animals when they were brot 2 the clinic. also, the cops were v. interested in whatev i cd tell them abt the witch of corbeil, 4 sum reason.


  • At 9:46 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, if ur still shaky from the police interrogation, i will b happ 2 ”hold each other up” again. az u know, it releases a lotta tension. altho, if we cud lock ur door so ur sis duzn't walk in on us, that wud b good.


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