Glimpse in2 our future?

There was sumthing super-weird that happened @ the reception 8 days ago. It was so bizarre, I've kind of blocked it outta my mind until just now!

@ the head table, Liz and Anthony were standing up, kinda huddling 2gether, looking @ Weed, who was crouching on the floor just in front of the table and taking a pic of Francie and Merrie holding hands while Shawna-Marie gave a toast just beyond them.

Meanwhile, a bunch of us were standing, kinda lined up and facing the head table. Lawrence (looking kinda purple) was standing on the left side. Gordo was to L's rite, but standing a bit in front. Then there was Mike, just 2 Lawrence's rite, holding Robin (asleep) and Dee leaning on Mike, like pressing her right cheek 2 his left shoulder while pressing her right hand 2 his back. Then came me, 2 Mike's rite, and then Dad, w/his rite arm around Mom.

Dad suddenly asked Mom, "Elly, if we cd go back in time, I mean... If I asked U 2..." And she interrupted him, saying, "Yes, John ... With all my heart." And just as she sed that last bit, Antman and Liz did a big, showy smooch @ the head table. And I was kind of disappointed she hadn't let Dad finish his question. What if he was planning 2 say, "If I asked U 2 join a commune in Upst8 New York?" Or sum other thing she didn't assume he was asking. Oh, well, she's known Dad longer than I have. I guess she doesn't have 2 let him finish his sentences.

But that's not even where things got weird. Suddenly, behind the head table, a big projection screen dropped down. A picture of Mom and Dad, seen from behind standing on some kinda deck and watching sum mountain scenery @ night, w/a crescent moon in the sky, appeared on the screen. And over the sound system, a voice that was booming and distorted, like the Wizard of Oz, said, "ELLY AND JOHN PATTERSON RETIRED TO TRAVEL, TO READ, TO VOLUNTEER IN THEIR COMMUNITY AND TO HELP RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!" I whispered, "Mom, U're already retired." And the booming voice sed, "NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM MARTIAN TEENAGERS!"

Then, there was an image of Gramps and Iris holding a baby. And the booming voice went, "GRANDPA JIM LIVED TO WELCOME ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH'S FIRST CHILD [together], JAMES ALLEN. JIM PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 89, WITH HIS WIFE, IRIS, AT HIS SIDE.

Next, the screen showed Liz and the Antman dancing, she in an orange tank top and purple pants, and him in a yellow t-shirt and purplish-blue pants. The booming voice went, "ELIZABETH [Liz!] CONTINUES TO WORK AS A TEACHER. SHE'S DEVOTED TO HER WORK AND TO HER FAMILY, LOVING ANTHONY MORE EACH DAY." Then, the booming voice said, "THAT'LL SHOW THE HATERS!" The next image on the screen was Gord looking about 65 and Anthony looking like he does now, w/Anthony holding a newspaper that has a giant headline of "COTTAGES FOR SALE ." The booming voice went, "ANTHONY MANAGES THE MAYES MOTORS EMPIRE, HAS DRAWN HIS BRIDE INTO BALLROOM DANCING, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO OPENING A SMALL BED-AND-BREAKFAST."

Then, I kinda had to gasp at the disturbing image of Mike that was projected next. His lower jaw was distorted, like mayB Dad had just taken out all of his wisdom teeth. He was pictured sitting at a flatscreen computer monitor, holding up his head w/his right hand, and looking smug. The booming voice went, "MICHAEL PATTERSON HAD 4 BOOKS IN PRINT BEFORE SIGNING A FILM CONTRACT. HE CONTINUES TO WORK WITH JOSEF WEEDER AND TO WRITE FROM HOME--WHERE HE SAYS HIS INSPIRATION AND CONFIDENCE LIE."

Next, there was another disturbing image: Robin w/his mouth gaping open, muppetlike, his hair flipping up in a little curl on each side of his head, Merrie looking like she'd just gotten fresh collagen in her lips, staring ahead bug-eyed, and Dee w/her eyes squeezed shut apparently laughing at the most hysterical thing she's ever heard. Booming voice said, "DEANNA WORKED AS A PHARMACIST UNTIL SHE BEGAN A SMALL SEWING SCHOOL. SHE TAUGHT SON ROBIN HOW TO COOK. THEIR DAUGHTER MEREDITH WENT INTO DANCE AND THEATER. THE FAMILY GOES ANNUALLY TO THE MONTREAL 'JUST FOR LAUGHS' FESTIVAL." I went, "Sewing school? Why, does she go back in time to 1898?" The booming voice said, "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, TEENAGER! SEWING SCHOOL IS PERFECT FOR DEE! SHE LOVES TO SEW! SHE LOVES HER SEWING ROOM! SHE REMADE MARIAN'S DRESS!!!"

I decided I'd better shut up for the moment, since there was suddenly a pic of me up on the screen, holding a horse by the bridle and kind of snuggling up, w/the right side of my face against the left side of the horse's. The booming voice told us, "APRIL PATTERSON GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY WITH A DEGREE IN VETERINARY MEDICINE. HER LOVE OF HORSES LED HER TO A JOB IN CALGARY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. COUNTRY LIVING AND A COUNTRY BOY KEEP HER 'OUT WEST'!" I said, "You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline." And the booming voice went, "INGRATE VEGAN FREAK! WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN!" I said, "Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out." And the booming voice went, "WHATEVER!"

Next, the screen went blank and then just had text projected on it: "THE EXTENDED FAMILIES, FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES OF THE PATTERSONS CONTINUE TO LIVE AND GROW, LOVE AND LAUGH AND EXPERIENCE LIFE AS WE DO... AS IF PART OF A COMPLEX NOVEL, WHOSE PAGES ARE CAREFULLY CRAFTED AND THEN TURNED BY ANOTHER HAND." Then the screen lifted up.

Francie went, "Wait! That's IT? What about ME?" She noticed some rustling behind a curtain on the right side of the reception hall and she ran and pulled it open. There, we saw the Witch of Corbeil! She was wearing a purple shirt, her hair had turned brown, and she was sitting at a drafting table! At first, she spoke into the microphone, so her booming voice was going, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WITCH OF CORBEIL!" Then as she saw Francie start to tear up a bit, she pushed the mic aside and went, "Aw, heck."

Then she said, "Thank you-- To my syndicate, publisher, family, staff, readers and friends for encouraging me these past 29 years--as 'For Better or For Worse' grew from simple sketches to an intricate 'saga' involving many characters. If I could do it all over again... Would I do some things differently? ...I've been given the chance to find out!! Please join me again on Monday as the story begins again... With new insights and new smiles. Looking back looks wonderful!" Then she signed a piece of paper she had on her table and held it up. The signature was "Lynn Johnston."

How weird is that? I don't even know what to say. Well, except thanks 2 all of U who have been checking in on my blog since I started it back in June of 2005. U've been through my grade-eight grad, my "band" drama, zits, Liz being "come after," meeting Paul, Mike having fights with his neighbours, making fun of them in his column, Mom flapping and honking, Dad playing w/trains, being clueless, Liz throwing away her relationship w/Paul, Mike running back in2 a burning building to save his lappy while leaving Dee to "fend for herself" on the fire escape w/2 scared lil kids, and on and on. Tomorrow, I think everyone in Mboro will be dwelling on the past--remembered in a diff way from how ppl ever remembered it B4. And I'll be focusing on my last yr of senior secondary school.

So, I guess I'm kinda saying goodbye to U all. Keeping this blog has helped me not go too crazy, being surrounded by my crazy fam always treating me like I'm defective (when they're not ignoring me). I dunno if I might check in here now and then 2 upd8 U on stuff, but my daily updates are def. over. Big love to all of U!

Apes

The Witch Finds False Teeth Hi-Larious

Guess who was on Good Morning, Milborough today? The Witch of Corbeil (WoC)! The hostess, Candi Clonkers, was interviewing her abt Mom's visit w/Grandpa Jim. Here's a bit I remember:

CC: I think we'd all agree that Mrs. Patterson is a nice, nice woman, who LOVES her father! An all-around wonderful daughter and human being!

WoC: Yes, yes! That's what people need to realize! Elly's not perfect, but her HEART is in the right place. And she tries!

CC [consulting notes]: So, as I understand it, the part of Elly's visit people will be discussing today, over coffee and whatnot, featured her asking her father, "You're OK, aren't you, Dad? In spite of, you know... Everything... You're OK?" To which Mr. Richards said, "Yes," while hoisting himself up from chair to walker.

WoC: Yes! Elly is so caring....

CC: Then, she put one arm around him while saying, "You mean so much to me--to EVERYONE! We don't tell you often enough how lucky we are to have you here with us." Correct?

WoC: Yes! And I think this is something many families can relate to, families with elderly relatives who...

CC: Some of my sources indicate that April Patterson is a notable exception, as she visits her Grandpa often and tells him how much she loves him.

WoC: April! Well, she's a teenager! And a little spoiled! She might be nice to her Grandpa, but what her parents have to put up with, having a teenager in the house! Well, maybe they'd visit Jim more often if they didn't have to deal with her!

CC: But would they, really?

WoC: No. Not really. But let's get back to Elly's visit. Don't forget their lovely HUG! Right after that dialogue about how lucky the Pattersons are to have Jim with them, Jim let go of his walker, walked his feeble, failing body over to Elly, and gave her a hug!

CC: Sources tell me that during the hug, your father's body, seen from the back, looked squat and womanly. And the back of his head looked quite a bit like Elly's daughter-in-law, Deanna's!

WoC: Horrible, picky people! I'd like to see them do better?

CC: Huh?

WoC: Er, never mind! Let's get back to how wonderful this moment was! Elly said, "Ooohh! I'm gonna feel this hug for DAYS!" Then Jim thought, "Me too." And after he and Elly disengaged from the hug, he put a hand to his shirt while thinking, "I left my teeth in my pocket!!!" [Laughs hysterically, tongue extended.]

CC: Why do you find false teeth so funny?

WoC: Aw, c'mon, isn't it obvious? They're TEETH, that come OUT of the MOUTH, that can be LEFT PLACES and LOST and BRANDISHED AT PEOPLE and can BITE their owner by mistake! What's not to find hilarious?! [Laughs again.]

CC: Didn't this "joke" scenario happen before, about seven or eight years ago, when Jim was living with the Pattersons? Doesn't that diminish the erstwhile humour?

WoC: NO! If it was funny then, it's still funny NOW! And most people aren't going to remember so far back, so it'll be new to them!

CC: And why the heck doesn't Jim keep his teeth in his mouth? I've never seen the logic of taking them out and sticking them in a shirt pocket.

WoC: Well, if you did loads of research and development as I do, you'd know--it's something OLD people DO! It's an "old" thing. You wouldn't understand!

CC: Okay! So, on that note, that's all the time we have for this segment! After the next break, join us for the toast-and-jam diet!

I didn't stick around for the toast-and-jam diet. I went right from seeing that to writing this. Now I'd better go get ready 4 my work @ the vet clinic and more errands 4 Liz!

Apes

Like Always, Eh?

If you thought Liz's next message to me was gonna be about sharing her engagement/getting married someday, maybe-probably news with the fam, then you are wrong. Here's the latest she sent me:

April,

Don't listen to Mike. If Gerald shows up divorced and has a half-Pakistani, or half-whatever-else kid, wanting to marry you, don't accept. Those half-whatsis kids get in the way of all the fun. Like for instance, after the stuff I told you about in my last e-mail, where we told little Frenchy that we were discussing marriage and she asked if she could still have her own room, she suddenly asked Anthony, "Daddy... can I talk to you over here... alone?" Anthony grinned his super-happy smile at her and said, "Of course!" They went into her room, and of course I tiptoed over there and listened at the doorway to see if Frenchy said anything bad about me.

I heard her voice saying, "What's gonna happen to me if you marry Elizabeth?" As usual, I had to remind myself of Frenchy's age. You might remember, she turned three on March 7. And all this stuff I am telling you happened at the very end of February (I am super at keeping the plot twists under wraps!). I'll have to check my old child-development textbook from university, but I am pretty sure normal kids her age don't talk or think like this. But this is Milborough. You might remember that one of the signs outside of the Milborough border is "Milborough: Forget what you think you know about child development."

So, where was I? Right, Frenchy asking what's gonna happen to her if Anthony and I get married. I wonder if the little snoop found my brochures from the boarding schools. Anthony told her, "You'll live in a happy home with two people who love you very much." For a moment there, I wondered who else was going to move in with us. Then I realized that he meant that he and I both love Frenchy very much. I guess that's the kind of thing he has to say to get her to not bug us about planning our wedding.

Next, I heard Frenchy asking, "Do I hafta call her 'Mom'?" And Anthony said, "No, you can call her 'Elizabeth,' like always." Then, I heard Frenchy asking, "What about my REAL mom?" And Anthony told her, "When she has time, you'll see her and talk to her--just like always. And I will be here for you, sweetheart. You know that." And Frenchy said, "...Just like always." Then I peeked in the doorway and say them hugging. And I felt a bit jealous, because while I had given Anthony a big hug after he'd said that stuff about how we could say we were engaged (which some mean people have been saying isn't necessarily the same as actually BEING engaged, those meanies), he still hadn't given ME a big old hug. And I really wanted one.

Well, you know what Sunday means. Probably a whole different story, maybe not even told by me. Unless the Good Witch wants the "Sunday" people to know what's going on. Though I kind of think the "Sunday" people think that Anthony and I got engaged last August. Mom says the "Sunday" people are a bit stupid and we need to be patient with them. Anyway, I might have more to say Monday.

Liz

Way to stretch out yr story, Liz. Hey, Jeremy, Dunc, and Dunc's "Secret Sum1." Sorry about the big mix-up @ 2 AM. Where we all kinda swapped by mistake. Thanx 4 yr compliments abt my "moves" Bambi Von Bon Bon taught me, tho, Dunc. Let's make sure if we have NE special 2 AM appts 2nite, we have 'em @ totally diff locations. After all, Jeremy, Eva, and I all hafta go back 2 Mboro 2morrow.

Apes

Being owned and stuff

Michael posted sum stuff abt what happed over @ Mom an' Dad's new teeny-tiny train house:

April,

Formerly little sis. As you know, after dad called up and said a tree fell on the old Stibbs’ place for which he had just gotten the keys; I came over with the chainsaw. Then I called up some guys I know who are good with trees. You know them as Lawrence Poirier and Nicholas Browne, and they said a number of things like: Why didn’t you invite us to your party last year? Why do you only call us when you need help? Why are you trying to remove a tree with just a chainsaw, you idiot? Do you want to damage the house even more?

It was a good thing I called them because they said we would at least need a ladder and some ropes to secure the tree, and we would need someone strong to carry and stack the wood, and we would need to take mom home because they could hear her hysterical shrieking about being in shock all the way over at Lakeshore Landscaping, the business they own thanks to dad’s investments. Naturally I brought Deanna as the muscle, but mainly I brought her because she was quite anxious to leave the children with you to get away from them (as she likes to do), and perhaps also to get away from mom’s shrieking.

After removing the tree and cutting it into firewood, Deanna then began to do the firewood stacking for dad, while I climbed up the ladder to give dad my professional opinion on the roof repair. I have been thinking my 3rd novel should be about the life of a professional roofer and I remember seeing a roofer in action once years ago, so I have spent a long time researching it. One of the joys and frustrations of being a novelist is having to be so well-informed on such a variety of subjects. Thanks to novel #1, I am an expert on sod farming and World War II. Thanks to novel #2, I know almost everything there is to know about windjammers and pirates.

I said, “Shouldn’t take more than a day or two to fix the house, dad. I’ve got some guys coming over to check it out.” Of course the guys are Lawrence and Nick, but they are guys still, despite their orientation. At first they said, “Call a roofer, you idiot.” But when I explained that they hadn’t sucked up to dad in a long time, they said, “OK. We’ll be over, but your dad better not start telling us any stories about home repair.”

After I climbed down the ladder, it occurred to me there were quite a few things I wanted pop to repair at his place before he moved out. So, I said, “That reminds me. There are things that need repairing over at your place.” Dad and Deanna got big, broad smiles on their face, and I could tell it was going to be one of those moments where people know things I don’t know, and sure enough, little sis; that’s exactly what it was. Dad said, “You mean, your place! You and Deanna own that house now.”

Yes, formerly little sis, you could have blown me over with a feather when Dad revealed this little secret to me. You see years of doing my own repairs in Lovey Saltzmann’s apartment had groomed me for a life of home inspection. So, I had been making a list of things for dad to repair before we officially accepted the purchase of his house and he moved out. It was getting to be quite a substantial list. When dad dropped the bombshell I already owned his house, I was wondering how I had missed it. Maybe I signed papers in my sleep.

My lovely Deanna did not seem surprised at all. In fact she came up and rejoindered by telling dad, “We won’t own that house for a long time, John. It’s going to own us!” She seemed to say it which such enthusiasm and glee in her voice as she looked deep into pop’s eyes. I wondered what was going on. Then it occurred to me when we were living in Lovey Saltzman’s apartment, Deanna never repaired anything. I had done all the repairs. What my Deanna really meant to say was that it was going to own me. I had this sudden sense that I was going to have a hard time finding time in the day to write my second novel. When I agreed to be a kept man, little did I suspect it was going to be the house who was keeping me.

Then dad got into one of his touchy-feely moods he has been having a lot of lately, and wrapped Deanna and me into his arms and said, “It’s nice to have a sense of ‘belonging,’ isn’t it.” Which is a nice way of dad saying, “You’re not getting any repairs out of me, sonny!” What could I say? My lovely Deanna and my father had teamed up and transferred his house to our names before I could get dad to do the repairs. I wonder how Lawrence and Nick feel about repairing other people’s homes.

Love,
Michael Patterson

So Mike U kinda got pwned a lil bit, eh? What I wanna know is when U suddenly got so much taller than Dad? Or have U just been standing on sumthing when U're near him l8ly?

Honoria, so adorable how U think I can defy the Witch. So, so cute. Not only is what U suggest impossible (like I just literally CAN'T do it), but then there R the sanctions She mite choose 2 impose on me 4 even TRYING that. Which can include but R not limited 2 turning me into a random animal (dog, possum, giraffe, what-have-you), regressing me 2 toddler or even baby size, giving me black acne (aka blacne), and NE # of horrible things I haven't even dreamed of, but which lurk in the evil recesses of Her mind. I guess the air must smell v. sweet in yr world, eh?

When I have more time, Honoria, I will have 2 go back in2 the old comments and show U sum of the things yr "Pater" has sed, according 2 Ger. I distinctly remember sumthing along the lines of Dr. F "not caring" abt the perspective of girls or how the parent of a daughter feels, since he only had sons [sorry--this was in his 4getful phase], and he wanted them 2 B "exceptional" when it comes 2 their sexuality (in large part cuz he himself had not been "exceptional"). It was all v. chilling. Also, ppl R alwayz saying that Ger and I have been a couple since we 1st kissed 4 yrs ago. That's not xxactly true. We went thru a lot of denial 4 a long time, mostly cuz of the band. We thot d8ing sum1 in the band was a v. v. bad idea, so there was a long stretch where we were officially "just friends" even tho we def had feelings 4 ea other. This confuses lots of ppl, including Ger and me.

Apes

What if/is

I just remembered a bit more abt what happed that day Mom, Dad, Mike, an' Dee went 2 have a look @ the teeny-tiny Stibbs train house and came home all talking abt making a house switch.

Mom an' Dad came over 2 me, and Dad put an arm on one of my shoulders, all "Don't look so worried, honey. Nothing's been decided yet. It's all 'what if?'" Me: "What if?" Dad: "We're thinking, that's all! U know: 'What if yr Mom and I moved 2 a smaller place down the street?" [What? Soundz like he already decided not 2 take me w/them!!!] Then, "What if Michael and Deanna lived here? It's a perfect house 4 them and 2 big 4 us! ...It's all just "what if." Then Mom and Dad receded in2 silhouette and I thot, "I think 'what if' is going 2 turn in2 'what is'!!" Not only that, but I feel like Dad is really trying 2 get rid of me, like he just wants 2 totally B dun raising kids even tho I'm only 16 an' have 2 yrs of HS left. This is making me feel all bummy. Which brings me to. . . .

K, so like I promised, I'll tell U more abt my time in Corbeil this past wk. Thursday, after I dropped off my stuff in the Johnston Institute guest quarters, Dr. Artemis escorted me 2 this, like, small theatre. She whispered 2 me, "Lynn is a fan of amateur theatre, but she gets annoyed whenever she actually has 2 go out sumwhere 2 C it. So she had this little theatre built, and local theatre groups do performances 4 her here from time 2 time." I was like, "Oh, it's kind of like she's the Queen!" And Dr. A was all, "What do U mean 'kind of like'?" Which made me laff, but Dr. A kept this s00per-serious look on her face, so I dropped the laff.

NEway, there was a table up on the stage, kinda like a kitchen table? With 2 chairs, across fr. ea other. Mrs. Johnston, Stephanie, Nancy, Jackie, Liuba, Allison, and Laura were sitting in the front row. Ea one had a clipboard with a bunch of evaluation forms attached. Dr. A told me 2 got sit in one of the chairs, and then one by one, she had a bunch of guys sit down in the other chair and we were supposta get 2 know ea other. Every guy hadta either B a Milborough resident who xxpects 2 live there 4 the long haul, or sum2 who is willing 2 reloc8 2 Mboro.

Ea guy had one minute 2 chat w/me B4 Dr. A blew a whistle 2 let him know time was up. I had 2 have these quick "d8's" w/25 guys! Man, it was so totally draining, I can't even xxplain properly. I chatted w/, among others, tattooed and pierced drummers; hi-school students (not from R.P. Boire) including jocks, drama heads, computer geeks, and musicians; university students from all over Canada; garage mechanics, dance instructors, veterinary students, law students, firefighters, and one of the guys from Trailer Park Boys.

After that first round, I was sent out 2 have lunch in the caf (linguine alfredo) while the ladies conferred. This took abt an hour. Dr. A then escorted me fr. the caf 2 the theatre and she announced the guys who had made the cut from the 1st round. These were ten guys: (1) Adam Gentlesse, a veterinary student from Ontario Veterinary College at the University of Guelph; (2) Axel Hibobbery, a drummer and music-store employee from Milborough; (3) Monty Sugarbaum, an honour student in grade 11 from the Unser Pipi Trinken Separate School of Milborough; (4) a Milborough firefighter named Hank Buontipo; (5) Myron Mygatz, a criminology student from York University; (6) Dennis North; (7) a Romanian acrobat named Florian Popinklorinescu; (8) a competitive Spelling Bee competitor from Saskatchewan, Piet Zorbeau; (9) an abstract-expressionist artist from Vancouver, Liam O'Leary; and (10) Corey Bowles, who plays Corey on the Trailer Park Boys.

For this second round, each guy had five minutes 2 chat w/me, while the ladies furiously took notes and murmured 2 themselves. This was kinda bummy, cuz it seemed like just when I'd sorta get comfortable an' start enjoying a convo, the time'd B up and the guy'd B hauled off the stage 4 the next "d8" 2 start. After these 10 speed-d8's, I got kicked out again (this time I went 2 the pool 4 a nice swim) so the ladies cd confer again. Then, once again, Dr. A went and got me. (Fortch, she let me shower and change).

We went back 2 the theatre, and Dr. A took from Mrs. Johnston a clipboard. She looked @ the clipboard and read the names of the 3 guys who R now 2 B considered childhood sweethearts for me. They are Adam Gentlesse, Axel Hibobbery, and Dennis North. She had each of these three guys come out on2 the stage and shake my hand. Then she gave ea one a "Johnston Institute For Better Living" tote bag, containing a binder full of background info on Pattersons, a handle-less coffee mug, and an autographed t-shirt.

Friday morning, I went 2 a kickboxing class w/Steph, Laura, Nancy, and Jackie. Afterwards, I was really thirsty, and I was all, "OMG, is there a water fountain." And Liuba came along with a paper cup of fruit punch, and she sed, "Drink this; it has electrolytes." I was so thirsty, I just grabbed it and chugged it down. Then, I looked @ the cup, and it sed, "The Kool Aid" on it. I was all, "OMG, did I just drink the Kool Aid?" And then Mrs. Johnston showed up out of nowhere and she was all, "Yes you did. Relax and don't try 2 resist. It will all B more pleasant if U don't try 2 resist."

Next thing I knew, I was attending workshops on punning, slapstick humour, "making the world a better place just by being a Patterson," "embracing yr OCD," martyrdom, and "co-existing grudgingly with our animal friends." Normally, this all wd have been unbearable, but that Kool Aid stuff was giving me this weird feeling of well being. By the end of the day, I thot Bobby Curtola records were super-cube.

Saturday morning, I took a spinning class w/Steph, Laura, Nancy, and Jackie. This time, I brought a bottle of water, so I slurped that after class. But the spinning class was so intense, I was like totally ravenous afterwards. I was all, "NE1 got a Luna bar or sumthin' like that?" And Liuba showed up with a bar, saying, "Yes, here's a Luna bar." So I unwrapped it and gobbled it down. Then I thot, "MayB I shda looked @ the wrapper 1st." I did, and it was, like, "The Kool Aid in Bar Form." I was like, "I can't believe I also ate the Kool Aid!" And Mrs. Johnston showed up and sed, "U've got filmstrips 2 watch." The filmstrips were all about the history of Pattersons converting "bad ppl" 2 good. Then I had 2 read this super-thick file on Jeremy Jones. After that, I needed 2 relax a bit, so I went off 2 the guest quarters and started listening 2 the Bobby Curtola records Mrs. Johnston had set up in my room.

That's when Jeremy, Howard, Mike, and Becky showed up, and they posted abt what happed when they did. And as we were leaving, Howard was all whispering, "Quick, B4 Mike sees--I have the antidote 2 all that Patterson Kool Aid in yr system." And he jabbed me w/a needle. He whispered, "U have Steph 2 thank. She sed she doesn't want 2 C U turn in2 '1 of them.'" Then U pretty much know the rest.

Apes

I'm back an' Mom shdn't have pets

Man, I M so tired 2day, I can't even tell U! When Dr. Artemis an' I left 4 Corbeil on Thurs. AM, I was all, "But I can't just B missing 2 days of school like that! It's v. v. imporant 4 me 2 do well, esp. in math and sci, cuz I wanna get in2 a gd vet school!" Dr. A was all, "Don't worry abt a thing. We've made arrangements 2 have Duncan Anderson catch U up on what U missed when U return." So, like, l8 last nite, after I'd been crashed 4 a while, my fone woke me up and it was Dunc saying I'd better get over 2 his house cuz they covered lotsa big stuff in school on Thurs and Fri.

So I went over 2 his house and we went over our assignment sheets. There were like a zillion math probs 2 do, and there's a project coming up in sci. We dug rite in and we were studying like, 4evs. Dunc's mom brought us sum delish snax while we studied, but I was having trub focusing after my s00per-weird few days. We were still working on the sci stuff around 3 AM, and we musta fallen asleep, cuz @ like 7 this morning, I woke up @ the Anderson kitchen table, my head using our sci text as a pillow. I have a hella sore neck!

So after having sum granola, I headed back home, and as soon as I walked in the door, Mom was all yelling @ me, pting @ my shoez just cuz they were a bit muddy. She didn't even notice the big string of drool dropping outta my mouth (I was kinda falling back asleep while standing, which was hella weird, but xxplains the droolies). A bit l8r, Dad came in from whatevs it was he was doing, w/a yucky runny nose, and I was all, "Stay outta Mom's way, Pop. ...She's acting like a real animal!" Which, come 2 think of it, is a real insult 2 animals.

But Mom heard me, and she came running, and she sed she was just upset cuz the animals had been acting up all morning. Eddy came in from the pouring rain, and even tho she was thinking "Don't shake, Eddy!" really really hard, the dog shook NEway. Then Buttsy chomped on an electric cord again (but only cuz Mom removed the special tape I'd put on 2 stop her from doing that, yo!). Then, Eddy blocked the laundry-room doorway, so Mom tripped on him as she came outta there. Then, she found Buttsy kicking up shavings from her cage, getting them all over Mom's floor as she was getting ready 2 use sum "Kleen" spray sumwhere. She found Dixierat sleeping on the chesterfield an' yelled @ her, and a mo l8r discovered Shiimsa climbing up a curtain. That's when I arrived an' got yelled @. Poor animals. Mom shd not co-exist w/pets.

So, my trip. When we got up 2 the Johnston Institute For Better Living in Corbeil, I got this creepy feeling that I'd seen this place B4. Then I realized this was cuz I'd seen pix on the website Steph maintains 4 Mom. Steph took me in2 an office in the main bldg, and there was this woman who looked like Mom after being on Extreme Makeover. U know, smaller nose, smaller butt, hair cut shorter and lightened, stuff like that. Weird. And she noticed me lookin' @ a pic she had in a frame, sum1 who looked like Liz, only with darker hair and a spark of life in her eyes. She was all, "I C U R looking @ a picture of my daughter, Kate. Kate is a lovely girl, but sadly she doesn't take my advice. She never went into teaching and she didn't stay close 2 home. Instead, she moved off 2 Vancouver, just like my son Aaron, the anti-Michael, had done yrs B4." She held up a pic of a guy who looked kinda like Mike, but slightly chubbier, w/a beard and mustache and a look on his face that made me think he didn't take himself 2 seriously. I had this weird feeling, like I wanted 2 B their sister, but that there was no way.

"April, I know what U're thinking," this woman sed, "but no, I never had a third child, unlike yr mother. But B4 I go in2 NE of that, I feel I shd introduce myself, even tho I know U better than NE1." She xxtended her hand 2 shake it. "Lynn. Lynn Johnston." As I shook her hand, I felt this weird, nearly electric-shock kinda feeling. "Pls," she sed, pting 2 a chair across fr. her desk. "Have a seat. Dr. Artemis, pls xxcuse us 4 a moment. I'm sure Nancy and Liuba have sum snaxx 4 U." Dr. A left, and I sat down.

I was like, "So, Lynn, Y am I here?"" And she was totally, "Please. Call me Mrs. Johnston."

Me: Sorry Mrs. Johnston.

LJ: No problem. I blame yr mother. For many, many things. Yr mother has clearly lost interest in U, I h8 2 say. Yr Dad, 2. There are sum important things they're 2 lazy 2 help U with.

Me: Am I going 2 live here now?

LJ [hysterical laughter] : Me, with a teenangster creature underfoot again? No way! I've got trips 2 Mexico and Spanish lessons 2 keep me bizzy. No, no, April, we're going 2 take care of sum bizness and then send U back new and improved.

Me: But I don't want--

LJ [angry] : Pls, never interrupt me!

Me: Sorry.

LJ: Again, I blame yr mother. I think I'll make her arse extra fat 2day. [Gets an evil grin on her face and starts sketching really fast on a sketch pad. Holds up a pic of my mom w/a miserable look on her face and a huge butt.]

Me: ::Gasp:: [Laughter]

LJ: I know, right? But don't 4get, I can use these powers against U, 2!

Me: Zits. Hair. Regressing 2 babyhood. . . .

LJ [impatient]: Yes, yes. I'm glad U understand. Anyway, April. As you can tell, yr parents can barely keep in their heads the idea that they have a 3rd child. And I have 2 confess, I haven't taken much of an interest in U since U stopped being Aypo. Boy were U cute! How I mourn the little coveralls-clad girl with the pageboy haircut, Farley @ her side. U were just full of beans, and U sed the darndest things! If only we cd have frozen U in time then, while letting the rest progress in real time. But that wdn't have been logical. Cursed logic! @ least this all has taught me that it's a good thing I wasn't able 2 have a third baby of my own, even tho 4 a while there I really wished I cd. Having Elly Patterson give birth 2 a l8-life "oops" baby was the next best thing. But U had 2 go an' grow up, and now U R a 16-yr-old w/2 more yrs 2 go B4 uni, and yr parents R cracking from not being able 2 go in2 "empty nester" life like my Rod and I have.

Me: Rod, is he that guy in the picture over there, who loox so much like Dad?

LJ: Duh. He's also a train nut and dentist. Tho unlike yr Dad he's already retired. Which makes yr Dad v. jealous, by the way.

Me: I'm not surprised.

LJ: Of course not. I mite not B that interested in U NEmore, but I did make U much smarter than Michael and Elizabeth. Poor saps. Oh, don't look so shocked. The strain of making them do all the things I wanted Aaron and Katie 2 do has made them both a bit dim. Michael and Elizabeth that is. Aaron and Katie have a will of their own, but they're also smart and resourceful. What a shame I cdn't pick and choose their attributes.

Me: But then U'd have a Mike and Liz.

LJ: Good pt. I really did make U smarter than Mike and Liz.

Me: So, where shd I live, @ the old house w/Mike an' Dee, or w/Mom @ Dad @ the teeny-tiny train house?

LJ [laughing]: Teeny-tiny train house! U slay me! But that's sumthing U need 2 figure out yrself. In fact, when yr memory clears up, U will probably realize that U already made a decision during this endless story that U and Mike have been recounting on yr blog, abt buying or not buying the Stibbs house.

Me: U know abt my blog?

LJ [rolls eyes]: Come on, now, April! Of course I know about it! Don't worry 2 much abt that, tho. It's not as if I actually read it myself. Steph checks in on it now and then, tho mostly 2 make sure U and yr friends R not viol8ing my copyrights or hotlinking 2 images on yr Mom's website. Every now and then, she gives me a v. v. general summary as 2 what U R discussing and how long it takes 2 tell a story.

Me: Oh.

LJ: Yeah, and I love a story that's stretched out, so when I hear it is taking U four weeks 2 tell the events of one day? Awesum! But don't worry. Yr mom doesn't know abt yr blog, and if she ever found out, she'd 4get an instant l8r. Yr mom h8's "the box" even more than I do.

Me: Yeah.

LJ: NEway, down 2 bizness. U need a larger array of childhood sweethearts, in case yr established ones turn out 2 B duds (C Patterson, Elizabeth as cautionary tale). And U need 2 turn Jeremy Jones 2 gd, 2 make him a suitable contender.

Me: But he's already. . .

LJ [irises turning red; voice coming out deep, male, and loud]: What did I say abt interrupting?

Me: Sorry, Mrs. Johnston.

LJ [back 2 "normal"]: That's better. Now, here's what we have in store 4 U. 2day we're going 2 have two rounds of "speed d8ing." Two rounds 2 fulfill the letter of the "two d8's and desire 2 marry" requirement of Patterson-Richards Accord Childhood Sweetheart laws. The end result of that will B 2 expand yr "childhood sweetheart" pool 2 a total of six potential Patterson spouses. Currently, U have 3: Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe (curse him for that already-established last name!), Duncan Anderson, and, pending conversion 2 "good," Jeremy Jones. U need more. And don't worry abt yung Gerald getting angry or retali8ing against U 4 the speed-dating. His marriage consultant is well aware of these proceedings, and if he acts badly as a result, he understands that I will turn him in2 an animal, such as a dog, monkey, ocelot, or other creature to B named l8r. So he won't act out.

Me: [ . . .]

LJ: Thank U 4 not interrupting. The speed d8ing will take most of 2day. 2morrow, U will go thru a sort of Patterson boot-camp training. And Saturday's goal will B conversion of Jeremy Jones 2 good. [Buzzes an intercom] Liuba, come in and show April 2 her quarters. It's going 2 B an intensive 3 days 4 her.

I will tell U the rest l8r. I'm getting sleepy again! Howard, I'm sorry, but I don't remember what I d-cided abt the house sitch.

Apes