Convo Bored Gramps Almost 2 Sleep

OK, B4 I tell U the next bit abt Gramps's b-day, I just wanna remind U that the April letterz fr. my fam R gonna go up soon! Yeah, I know, already! An' here we R still discussing Gramps's b-day, which was March 21, & already 2morrow is gonna B my b-day! But, y'know, since it's a Saturday, I'm not sure what Steph, the web designer who helps Mom, is gonna do. I guess the letterz cd go up a day early, meaning 2day, or, like, 2 dayz l8, meaning Monday. I'd B surprised if they went up on a Saturday, eh? So, like, whenev they do go up, I'll do my usual where I do a long post w/my comments on ea. one.

So, back 2 Gramps. After Iris's line abt Gramps being all fulla advice, & his grumpy thot abt how no1 listenz 2 it, Gramps settled in2 his armchair & every1 started yammering abt different stuff. I told Dee abt how I told Gramps I'm still taking guitar lessons. Dee was holding the teddy bear while telling me that Meredith is showing sum musical talent. Robin pted @ the bear & was all, "Mine!" Tho I don't think that's strictly true, as he & Merrie seem 2 share the teddy, but I cd B mistaken. Dad told Mike, "Gordon's giving me a deal on a Crevasse sedan." Mike stood there holding a coffee mug & smirking. Dee told Robin, "Don't eat the candle, Robin. Give it 2 Mommy." Merrie had frosting all around her mouth, & she was all, "Can I have more cake?" Then I looked @ Gramps & noticed his thot bubb: "It's nice to have the family here. They're all so busy. The babiez R growing up so fast.... I should record all this great conversation and play it again later on. It would help put me to sleep." Just then, I was abt 2 give Gramps a mug o' decaf (Iris insisted on decaf 2 not keep him awake) & I guess I had one of thoze dumb "Hyuh?" kinda looks on my face. But really I felt kinda bad, cuz, like, we were boring Gramps on his birthday. That's gotta suck, even if he's telling himself it's all nice. & I noticed every1 but me & Gramps were in that weird, black silhouette. Bizarre!

Becks, I think Howard's advice is good, abt starting whatev kinda convos U mite wanna have w/Drew. Like he sez, Drew prolly thinx all the thingz U do 2gether count like hanging out.

Jeremy, I barely know Zandra @ all, but Dunc has gotten 2 know her a bit thru drama club & has hung out w/her a bit, & he tellz me stuff, that's all.

So, party 2morrow! I turn 15, yo! Party starts @ 5, & it's gonna B cube. Becks told me she wants 2 come by a bit early 2 give me her gag gift--she alwayz gives me a gag gift, since my b-day's April Fool's Day, & then a regular gift. The gag gift is usually, like, an in-joke betw us.

Apes

Nothing Stays the Same

The next thing Gramps sed in our convo abt the band last wk was "I hope U're still practicing." And I told him, "Yeah. We get 2gether an' jam... But it's not the same. We were such a good band when Becky was with us." Gramps was all, "Nothing stayz the same, April. U have 2 move on." Just then, Iris was all, "R U giving advice again, Jim? ...Yr grandfather is just FULL of advice!" Then Gramps got this, like, constipated look on his face & his thot bubble over his head was, "That's because nobody ever takes any of it." Which, oh, c'mon Gramps! Here's a stepladder so U can get over yrself, cuz that's not true. Sure, peeps don't take yr "advice" when it's "Let me feed 22 kg of havarti cheese 2 Dixie cuz she luvs it so much!" But otherwise, I think ppl listen when he advises.

Speaking of advice, in the comments last nite there was a post fr. Trent Steel saying mayB we cd have a 5-person band & call it 4 + Eva. Hmmm, that's kinda cute. Thanx for the idea.

Jeremy, abt yr questionz where U asked me if Ger defending me wd B a turnoff. No, I think I'd really like it if Ger wd defend me, esp. against peeps who R all sittin' around saying I'm unsuitable 4 Ger & how only Becks is suitable (y'know like Becky's Dad, eh?). Of course, I wouldn't want him going around beating the crizzapple outta every1, like how Becks sed Pierce Inverarity doez. Cuz he doesn't, like, need a crim record or NEthing. And also, I don't think that's NEthing like Ger turning all bossy 2 me & telling me where & how 2 B @ all tymez. That wd B a diff thing & v. creepee. But thanx 4 saying the nice stuff abt Ger B-ing lucky 2 have me as his gf. It'd B nice if Ger wd say that 2 his buddy Thorvald.

And, yeah, I saw what Becks sed abt Ger B-ing 2 drunk & out of it 2 notice what Thorvald was saying, but I hope he reads Becky's comment & then is ready 2 defend me next time the chance comes up. Oh, & I hope @ least he has a strong reaction once he seez what bad stuff his buddy sez abt me. Not cube.

Apes

5-Evah?

So, 1 of the cube thingz abt Gramps is that he actually carez abt my music. Mom an' Dad almost never talk 2 me abt my music, xcept 2 remind me not 2 B all ambitious abt it & try 2 do it as a career. Whatevs, U know? So, when we were there 4 his b-day last wk, Gramps asked me what the band's up 2, & I was all, "Not much, Grampa. W/out Becky, we're toast. There'z a girl called Eva who can sing, but she doesn't play keyboard." Gramps sed, "Then, add another musician 2 the group." I was, like, "::tsk:: Then we'd B 5--an' the name of our band is 4-Evah!" Gramps was, like, "Change the name of the band." And I sed, "We can't!" When he asked Y not, I sed, "We already paid 4 matching shirts!" He got that stunned, wide-eyed look peeps in my fam R alwayz getting @ the end of these, like, conversational units punctuated by sum lame-ish line. Hm, mayB Gramperz oughta have pted out that a band called 4-Evah doesn't hafta have 4 members. Cuz, like, it's just an alternate way of writing "forever" & doesn't need 2 B a ref 2 the # of ppl in the band, eh? I don't know Y I didn't think of that. Tho peeps can B so literal in my world, I know we'd alwayz B hearing "Shdn't yr band B called 5-Evah? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!"

Becks, wow, I had no idea Pierce was such a rage-aholic. Is he on 'roidz? It's cube that Drew is so nice & polite. The under-the-pillow thing w/the slip of paper is what I heard, 2.

Apes

165, eh?

Peeps, it looks like I'm prolly gonna B tellin' U stuff abt Gramps's b-day all week in my blog entriez. Sorry in advance, yo.

After Gramps had opened the prezziez, an' every1 had finished their b-day cake, I was helping Iris in the kitchen while Mom, Dad, Dee, Mike, and Gramps sat around yakkin' & the littlez played. Mom was all, "U don't look yr age, Dad. No1 wd guess U were 85." Gramps was all "Really." Like he can't trust a word Mom sez, & I guess no1 blames him 4 that. Then he went, "Meredith--how old do U think I am?" Merrie sed, "Um? A hunnerd an ... sixty-five!" Which is kinda weird fr. a 3.5yo. Most kidz I know that age, if U play the "guess how old I am" thing will stick 2 a number betw 1 & 10, cuz they're all in2 the whole "I'm this many yrs old" & holding up their fingerz. I remember babysitting a 4yo who cdn't, like, believe I was more years old than I had fingerz 2 show! Of course, Merrie speaks in complete paragraphs and refers 2 her parents as "Mother" & "Father" sumtymez, so U can't go by her w/the whole normal child-development thing. NEway, after that, Iris poked her head in2 the LR & Gramps sed "It's nice, 4 once, 2 feel younger than I look!"

Becks, the outfit Howard picked out 4 U, 4 yr d8, soundz cube. Totally NOT cube that yr Dad's all sayin' I'm gonna B fat an' haggy sumday. Mom is NOT my destiny! NOT! I wish peeps wd get that thru their headz. Congrats on getting yr Dad 2 agree 2 let U perform on the wkendz like he was supposta. Ger, let's get our calendars & plan a whole buncha weekend d8s so yr bud Thorvald can stop having the wrong idea, eh?

Apes

Gramps' b-day last Tuesday. . . .

OK, so Grampa Jim's b-day was this past Tuesday, but I haven't written abt it yet cuz I heard him say sumthing that really upset me. I've been w8ing until I'm a bit more calm.

We all sang "Happy Birthday" as Gramps gazed @ his cake, which had one candle 'steada 85 candles, cuz I guess 85 wda been 2 much wax. I thot mayB we oughta get an "8" candle & a "5" candle & put 'em 2gether 2 spell 85, but Mom thot that wd B, like, rubbing in his old age 2 much. Whatevs. So as Iris was cutting up the cake, I handed Gramps my gift & sed, "Open yr presents." & Gramps sed, "Whoo! look @ this!" After the prezzies were all open, Gramps was, like, "Books, cookies, a new scarf--and moccasins from Mtigwaki!" He turned to Mom, who was putting the prezzies away, and he sed, "U alwayz told me not 2 spoil my grandchildren, Elly... I'm glad U haven't stopped them from spoiling me!"

OMFG! Mom sed that 2 him? Not 2 spoil his grandkidz? Rn't grandparents supposta spoil their grandkidz? Isn't that, like, part of their job description?!?! What kind of a heartless wench tells her parents not 2 spoil her kidz?!?!?! That's like so wretched! & U know what? I M getting revenge. When I have kidz, do U know what I'm going 2 say? "Don't spoil Grandma Elly." That's what I'm gonna say. I won't say this about their Grandpa John, & I won't say it abt their other g'parents, but I'm gonna say it abt Grandma Elly. That'll show her.

OMG, Howard, I will not say NEthing abt yr sitch xcept OMG! I wish I cd help, tho.

Apes

Dental visit = outing

So Gramps sed, abt his recent dental visit @ Dad's clinic, that he usta not like going 2 the dentist, but now it's an outing. Cuz he & Iris also went 2 the restaurant in the bldg, where he'z v. confused abt the coffee & tea offerings, that include cocoamocha, frappalatte, cappucinabeana, chai tea, high tea, & why tea. I have a feeling my Dad mighta been a consultant on naming thoze drinks. I think he mite also have popped in & sed "hi" 2 Dee @ the pharmacy. Like, whatevs.

Well, I gotta go. Dunc's here & he'z rushing me.

Apes

Edit: K, I'm back. Sorry that was so rushed. Dunc was a lil freaked cuz he played our demo samplez of the goth stuff 2 Zandra an' she was all, "Not bad, but a little derivative." So he wanted us 2 work on the songz sum more. I think we made 'em a bit more original-sounding.

NEway, Ger, the reason I wasn't there 2 cheer U on in basketball was that no1 told me U guyz were doin' post-season gamez. What's w/that? R U doin' that w/the hockey team, 2? ::confused::

Mom blah-blahs & Dad sleeps

As I was walking by Mom & Dad's room Monday nite, I heard Mom talkin' pretty loud. First, I heard, "Mmmhh! I love 2 travel, but it's alwayz good 2 come home." She sounded as though she was stretching when she sed that. She also sounded like her hands had gotten small & spindly & footlike. Don't ask me how that soundz, U don't wanna know! Then I heard Mom saying, "The best part is getting in2 yr own bed. No matter how comfortable the bed is in a hotel, it's never as good as yr own. . . Right?" Then I heard a pause, then a big "SSNORGK" from Dad & Mom being all, "U weren't listening 2 me, were U." That last bit was not a question, it was a st8ment. & how's Dad supposta listen when he'z asleep? Or get in trub 4 not listening? & mayB he was listening @ 1st, but he got so bored, he nodded off, eh?

Jeremy, I'm sorry 2 hear yr Mom & Chelsea Chasteté's Mom had that big fite after U & Chelsea realized U like ea other. What R U gonna do?

Jeremy & his mom and Howard & Marjee R all attending a lame workshop my Dad's giving @ the community centre 2day, on howta make balsa-wood model boats. Meanwhile Dunc & I R gonna B jammin', working on a coupla goth songz he's writing.

Apes

Mom's Zombie Look

Monday nite, as Mom was doing her pre-bed "beauty" routine, she asked me, "Did U like having Connie here while we were away, April?" I sed, "I guess." Mom was all, "U sed U cd manage on yr own, but we thot U'd B more comfortable w/sum1 else in the house." Then she started applying sum kinda goop around her eyez, but I wasn't really paying close attention 2 what she was doin'. She went on, "Especially @ nite! ...Sumtymez, the most ordinary thingz can really spook U out!" Then she turned 2 me & I gasped in fear cuz she had this black shizz all around her eyez, making her look like a zombie. & she was, like, "What?" Hm, do U get the impression that Connie told her abt my nite where I spooked myself?

Howard, in answer 2 yr question abt me C-ing Moira's sign @ the bookstore, the one abt new management & how peeps R now safe 2 eat pastriez in the store? Yup, saw it. U C, while Mom an' Dad were in Baja, there was no reason 4 me 2 show my face @ Lilliput's, but since the 'rents got back, I've started 2 put in sum work time after school again. Tho my sked is much more flexible than it was w/Mom owning the store, since Moira doesn't, like, really need me there. I helped her out by doing a pastry run & doing sum rearranging 2 make the store more homey & inviting.

I can't believe the bizzy sked U've got goin' 4 yrself Howard, betw the housekeeping/cooking work @ Becky's the shamp-Oh's @ the salon, & 2 shows/nite singing @ the Valhalla? Then U have the energy 2 lift w8s w/Marjee? Wow! BTW, I did C Marjee yesterday, when I went out 2 get pastriez 4 Moira, & U R rite, U can tell she'z in gr8 shape!

Becks is way psyched abt the study d8 she'z got planned w/Drew Fontaine Saturday. I think the outfit/hair combo U described will work well, Becks.

Dunc sez he'z been having 'puter trubs but will post when he can. He'z got sum stuff 2 tell abt drama club, Zandra, & his cats.

Apes

Work/Works

So, now I have a new e-mail from Dee, about what happed when Mike got home fr. driving my parents back fr. the airport.

'April'!

So after your 'brother' was at the 'airport' all day Monday and for a large chunk of the night, he finally returned. I don't know why he didn't leave the 'airport' and go back, once he realized that your 'mother' and 'father' had mixed up the AM and PM on the ETA. But that's your 'brother', I guess.

So, when 'Michael' walked in the door and began removing his jacket, I asked, "How are your folks?" I find pretending to 'care' about these things can be 'helfpul'. And 'Michael' responded, "Fine. They had a wonderful time in Mexico." Then he slung his jacket over his 'shoulder' and said, "Mom finalized the book store sale to Moira, and Dad made arrangements with Gordon to trade in his car." As he was 'hanging' up his jacket in the 'closet', I noticed his butt looked odd and very big. Anyway, as he was 'doing' that, he said, "They both answered e-mail, completed the household bookkeeping and Dad made a model boat out of balsa wood." For some reason, I said "Whoa!--" Just like Keanu Reeves, Everett Callahan, Elliot Everett and, recently, you. And Moira recently? It's hard to remember, but 'why' are we all saying that lately? Anyway, next I said, "That doesn't sound like a holiday--that sounds like work!" And your 'brother' quipped, "...Works for them," as we walked away from the closet, his arm on my shoulder. I asked, "Mike, why must you make a weak pun on 'work' and 'works' like that?" And he said, "Weak pun? That's golden Patterson wordplay! People love Patterson wordplay!" And I said, "Who told you that, your parents?" And he 'said', "Yes, why do you ask?" I shrugged and he said, "Well, if you think my parents' vacation sounds like work, imagine having to hear them telling you about it all the way from the Toronto airport to the house in Milborough!" And I said, "You poor thing! Have some boiled carrots, I kept them warm for you. And leftovers-ambrosia soup!"

Oh, well, 'April', with the store actually 'sold' and the Bushwacker 'traded', I guess your 'parents' will have to find new topics to focus on in the monthly 'letters'. I guess you'll have to brace 'yourself' in case that means they'll focus on 'you' more.

Best,

'Dee'

Aw, man, she's not kidding about the focusing on me. But I guess it's good we won't hafta hear endlessly about the bookstore being sold or Dad deciding whether or not to sell his st00pid car. And Jeremy won't hafta keep worrying about my dad taking him 4 testdrives. At least once he's got his new vehicle. I guess there's gonna be a testdrive danger 4 a lil while longer.

Becks, soundz like U & Drew had a v. v. cube d8 last nite. & Howard, congrats on getting the Valhalla so nice & having such a well rec'd performance last nite!

Apes

Mike sez. . . .

OK, so I got an e-mail from Mike. Here'z what it sez:

Dear Baby Sister,

As you know, I normally revere our parents, especially our wise and beneficent mother. However, even I found myself exasperated as I was driving them home from the airport. Right away, she was saying, "It's so good of you to come for us, dear. We could have taken a cab." I replied, "No problem, Mom." Then she said, "It's out of your way--And we hate to interrupt your evening." Had I been in a more argumentative mood, I would have point out that they when gave me their estimated arrival time, they flubbed the AM/PM thing, causing me to be twelve hours early. So I could have mentioned that they had interrupted not just my evening, but my entire day, which I spent wandering around the airport. Fortunately, I brought my handy-dandy notebook so I could jot down my astute observations about the people I espied in the airport. Did you know that people in airports eat, drink, yawn, smoke, listen to music and pass gas? I know, I know, I was astonished, too! So, as I was saying, I might have pointed this little mix-up out to our esteemed matriarch, but I did not. Instead, I told her, "I'm happy to do it." Which is mostly true, as otherwise I'd have to be spending time with Merrie and the other one, the boy. Which I love to do, as I'm an amazing, sensitive parent. But small doses, my dear little sister. Small doses. Mom continued: "We know how busy you are." I assured her, "Mom, it's no trouble! Honest! I enjoyed meeting you at the airport. I wanted to see you. This is a pleasure." Now, I normally think our mother is quite fetching for a woman her age. But just then, I looked in the rearview mirror, and I could have sworn I was looking at an ugly man with his hair in a bun! It was very disturbing. But I shook off the feeling just as Mother was saying, "Well, we hate to be a nuisance, Michael. So it's nice to know you don't mind driving us home." At that moment, I developed a little storm cloud over my head, in a thought bubble, and I realized that our mother was making me mind driving them home!

Well, dear sister, I would tell you what happened next, but I have another mind-numbing staff meeting I have to administer. I am so disgruntled!

Love,

Michael Patterson

Wow, could it be? Mike actually gets annoyed with the parental units sumtymez? I'd say "stop the presses", but the last thing I want is for Mike to think, "This would make a great article!" IYKWIM!

Aw, Ger, it's sooooo sweet that U R going shopping w/Becks & Howard so U can shop 4 my b-day prezzie. Oh, & Becks I wanna hear all abt the outfit U get! Jeremy, I'm afraid 2 think what U mean when U say I'm "amazing"--don't tell me, cuz I think I get it!

Apes

"Amazing"?

Oh, 4 heav's sake. Dad was gushin' last nite when he was tellin' me abt Mike pickin' up him & Mom @ the airport. He sed, "April! Yr brother noticed that we looked like we had a gr8 holiday! And he took our luggage & brot the car 'round b-cuz it was cold outside! Yr mother sed, 'What a nice yung man our son has turned out 2 B.' And I told her, '...Amazing, isn't it.'"

Whatevs, Dad. What's amazing is that U're so amazed & U an' Mom think Mike is so nice. Another flabbergasted reaction that 1 of yr adult kidz acts like an adult & not like a baboon, so now U & Mom can break yr arms patting yrselves on the back abt what gr8 'rents U R. ::puke::

OMG, Howard, U R way, way 2 nice! I can't believe U went over 2 Gramps & Iris's place & handled his disgusting feet. They shd give U mucho & 4 that!

Gotta fly, peeps!

Apes

Um, OK.

When I checked my voicemail this morning, I found a message fr. Dee. She was all,

April! Just calling to let U know that Michael just left the house 2 go pick up yr mom and dad @ the airport. He did the cutest thing B4 leaving, April. U C, he'd swooped me up in his armz 2 give me a kiss, & he was holding me up w/his hands tucked under my butt while he sed, "Good bye, my luv!" Merrie got jealous & yelled, "Daddy! Give me a kiss like that!!" So he swooped her up in2 the air & she let out a massive "SHRIEK!" and a few giggles. Afterwards, he sort of leered @ me & sed "It's nice 2 know I can still pick up girls!" I must say I gave him one of my wide-eyed reaction faces. Hmm, I hope I don't need 2 page Dr. Freud, if U know what I mean. MayB this all wasn't so cute, after all.

Erg, so next thing U know, my 'rents will B back. @ least I seem 2 B dun talkin' abt that Sunday (not yesterday, but the one B4). Tho Connie mite still tell Mom all abt it & Mom mite gloat in my teenage hubris (vocab word).

Jeremy, in answer 2 yr question, when Ger & I started getting 2gether, I don't remember NE pix being involved, like my mom giving 8 X 10 glamour shots of Liz 2 peeps like Paul. & I don't remember pix being involved w/Mike an' Dee (other than how Weed was takin' pix of the car accident). ::confused::

I saw Ger this morning, so I assume Luggy finally let him an' Ben Newhouse go after the rickshaw probs, but Ger hasn't had a chance 2 give me NE deets yet!

Apes

A Rainy Memory

Since I'd been having such a fat-arse week, I had this memory of another time my arse was esp. bad. This was a yr or 2 ago, when I was still in middle school & didn't hafta wear a uni yet & wasn't as tall as I am (on most dayz) now. I remember that I had on an uggo blue jacket with a yellow stripe that ran up the zipper in the middle & up around the edge of the hood, & also along the bottom hem & up the middle of the sleevez. I hadn't switched fr. the st00pid ponytail 2 the awful prop-bun yet. I saw that it was raining outside, but I figured the bus wd B along soon, so I just whistled as I zipped my jacket & put my red backpack on. Mom told me 2 take an umbrella but I told her I was OK. Mom asked me what if the bus was l8 & wd I wanna stand out in the rain getting cold & wet. I thot (4 sum reason) that having the umbrella wd make me look like an idjit, but Mom insisted, & I left w/a big storm cloud over my head. Becky & two other kids (Kimmi LaSalle & Glen Moby) were already w8ing @ the stop when I got there, & we all ended up huddled under the umbrella. L8r on, Mom told me she'd watched all this out the window, & she was all, "I told U so!"

Thinking back on that esp. bad arse day of a yr or 2 ago, & the bad arse wk I was having B4 Becks & I did R crash diet & xercise, I'm glad that w/his cooking lessons Howard's also giving me a maintenance guide. He'z so cube! Thanx so much 4 making the lessons & food free of charge, Howard, & I totally understand abt how we've gotta do the lessonz over @ Becky's place & not here since my mom wd, like, devour the ingredients B4 we even finished mixing them all 2gether.

& speaking of how much Ger luvs my boobs, well, Ger told me he's arranged a special, surprise d8, since I'm kinda buff & my butt's lookin' so cute fr. all the exercise Becks & I did! He hasn't told me NEthing xcept he's coming by 2 get me @ 2 this afternoon. I M so xcited.

Becks, no problem abt my post 2 Jeremy abt how his "truth" came out wrong that time & messed stuff up. I agree abt thinking positive 2!

Dunc, so how did the party go w/Zandra's Uncle Arne? & how's it been w/yr 'rents now that the whole Malkmus thing is out in the open?

Apes

Bad-Good Imagination

And . . . we're back 2 Sunday nite. Once Connie was in the house, she was all, "I'm sorry I frightened U, April. I saw all the lites on over here & wondered if sumthing was wrong." While cluthing my stomach with one hand and holding my head w/the other, I told her, "No ... Nothing's wrong!" I was having this sudden, simultaneous stomach ache/headache thing, & I'm pretty sure there were a coupla starz behind my head, 4 sum reason. The dogz were lookin' up @ me. & I'd like 2 note that w/me in just socks & Connie in hi-heeled bootz, I was about the same height as Connie--maybe even a bit taller, as I was slitely bent @ the waist from my tummy-clutching. NEway, I went on: "I watched a horror movie ... An' then I thot there was sumthing creepy in the house! ... I knew there wasn't ... But I kept hearing weird noises coming from the basement, like creaking an' stuff an..." Then I thru my arms around Connie & shrank so I was only up 2 her shoulder. & I sed, "I'm so glad 2 C U, Connie!!!" While Connie & the dogz walked me down the hallway, I noticed that Connie had a thot bubble that sed, "Sometimes it's bad to have a good imagination!" I also noticed that I'd regrown, tho not completely, as I was maybe a coupla inches shorter than Connie.

& that's it 4 my l8est installment. Does that have a sense of closure 2 it? I didn't think so, eh? But my mind's blanking again & I'm not sure whether I'm going on w/this one on Monday. I know I'll B changing the subj 2morrow, cuz Sundays R always all disjointed like that. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna tell U abt sumthing that happed one time w/my Mom, not even this yr. I think it was sumthin' that happed during middle school.

Becks & I R trying a diff diet again 2day, cuz that Atkins stuff made us totally ill last nite. We're doing, like, a modified Slim Fast thing, w/quicker results cuz less food.

Jeremy, when I sed I'd consider going along w/Ger marrying Howard & still, like, having kidz w/me on the side? That wasn't cuz I wanna avoid marrying Ger. I luv Ger! It was cuz Ger'z afraid of the Mboro rapid-aging curse 4 str8 guyz & I'm afraid of the Patterson-women curse (remember I sed I don't wanna turn fat, frigid, freekee, & fugly?). If we didn't hafta worry abt thoze curses, we wdn't B havin' theze discussions! But U know what, Jeremy? I think U'll find a girl who will wanna B w/U a long time. Just cuz it hasn't happed yet doesn't mean it won't ever, eh?

Eva, what's this stuff abt U writing that U'd disappeared? I reread the comments fr. the past week+ & there was sum weird stuff. Like Connie sez, it can be bad 2 have a good imagination! Soundz like U scared yrself but good!

Apes

Scare the monsters, attract the Connies

If NE1 had their money on "Connie comez over", U R a winner!

Here'z the next tiny bit of what happed on Sunday nite. I turned on all the lites in the house & sed, "There. I've turned on all the lites. That feels better. ...I'm safe, now." Then there was a "rattle tap" at the door, & I thot, "The dogz R ready 2 come in. Which means I hafta open the door again! ...But ...that''s OK... Because all the lites R one. Creepy thingz h8 the lite." As the dogz were running in2 the door, I saw some1 was standing behind 'em, & I let out a big "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" B4 I realized it was only Connie. She was all "I came over because I saw all the lites on!"

I know, lotsa U R prolly thinkin', "Well, Duh!" Cuz what's Connie supposta think if she notices ALL the lites R on here in the middle of the nite? Of course she'z gotta think sumthing'z up & wanna check it out. D'oh! I can B so foobish sumtymez!

Jeremy, U R rite, that vision of a scary monsterz under the floorboards? Gone in a flash.

So, NEway, Becks & I have a kinda challenge goin' on against Gerald and Marjee. Becks & I R using diets she's finding online, & Howard's cooking special gourmet diet meals 4 Ger & Marjee. Our challenge is 2 C which works best 4 losing w8 & shrinking measurements. I don't think I wanna post my numbers, Howard, 2 embarrassing! NEway, this started cuz Howard wanted Becky 2 just trust him 2 make d-licious diet meals 4 her insteada trying all theze diff xtreme diets she's finding. & Becks didn't wanna cuz she'z afraid he'll give her more caloriez than she wants 2 eat each day 4 quicker w8 loss.

NEway, I'm heading over 2 Becky's rite after this posts. We've got a lotta working out 2 do!

Apes

Not OK

I M trying 2 get over this whole Patterson slow-storytelling curse. Really, I M. But it's not working. So, I'm back 2 Sunday, peeps, and I can tell that I'm only gonna B able 2 squeeze out another small bit o' the story B4 my mind goez all blank abt it. Again.

So, I let the dogz outside so they cd pee. As I was taking them 2 the door, I was thinking, "I'm alone, but the dogs R with me. If there was NEthing creepy in the house, they'd B barking." Then as they went charging out the door, I was all, "OK, go outside ... But B fast!" As I was looking out the window & w8ing 4 them 2 do their biz, I was thinking, "I wonder if there's sumthing in the basement. I feel so vulnerable! ... No, there's nothing in the basement. I'm OK ... I'm OK ... I'm OK." Then I had this awful vision of a scary monster just below the floorboardz. A big, flat thing with lots of crablike appendages & big angry eyez ready 2 drill its way up thru the wood & kill me! & I thot, "I'M NOT OK!"

Peeps, my mind just blanked out again. Geez, it's gonna take me 4evz 2 get this story out 2 U. Sorry, so sorry, that I hafta do it this way.

Howard, cd I have sum cooking lessons? Obvs yr cooking meanz a lot 2 Gerald, if he'z considering "switching teamz" 2 have yr cooking on a reg basis. I wanna learn 2 cook like U!

Becks wants us 2 use the rest of March break 2 work out as much as poss. Also, she sez, this oughta take our mindz offa how boring the grapefruit diet is. So after I post this, I'm off 2 Becky's custom home gym 2 work out.

Jeremy, wow, what a crayzee story! So, like, do U know howta drive now?

Apes

Those Dogs Need Litter Boxes!

So, back 2 Sunday nite. The creaky whmmy shhy noizes were keepin' me up, & there I was huddled on the bed w/Eddie & Dixie. And I had a feeling 4 just 1 moment that my hair looked v. nice, but I didn't have time 2 check in the mirror. I was thinkin', "Chill out, April. B calm, B cool. U wanted 2 stay in the house alone. U watched a movie. It was only a movie. There's no such thing as demonic flesh-eating roach people. There'z nobody downstairs ... Nobody!" Then I got up 2 lock my bedroom door. I leaned against it & thot, "There. My door is locked. I'm totally safe. Nothing can get in." Then the dogz gave me that "Let us outside" look dogs have. & I was all, "WHAT DO U MEAN U HAFTA GO OUTSIDE?!!" Geez, Y can't dogz use a litter box like a cat? Yeah, I know it wd B xtra gross 2 clean that mess, but pooper-scooping is already pretty gross, eh?

Dunc was s00per-psyched abt the Leafs winning last nite, since he'd had that lousy day @ the bank & all. & Jeremy sez "Eva" was dancing around all happy abt the win. I guess if U're gonna B an invisible girl, U mite as well cheer 4 the Leafs.

Apes

Alone in the House & Hallucinations

OK, so I M sure U noticed I sed that thing abt this past Sunday nite being a school nite? & it so wasn't cuz we have March break this week? I, like, totally 4got, I was just that xcited abt being left on my own on a Sunday nite, steada having a g'up hangin' over me, all, "R U sure U did all yr homework?" & then between the OD of junk food & the bad horror movie, I sumhow ended up hallucinating. It's too upsetting 2 get in2 the deets rite now--I'll have 2 dole my story a bit ea day, but U know that abt me NEway, eh? But listen 2 this--I had hallucinationz where I actually believed we had school this week, v. detailed, & tho my head hurts 2 think abt it, I M pretty sure I hallucinated abt being in school. I'll tell U abt it as the memoriez get more clear in my head.

NEway, @ 2 AM Sunday nite, I realized I'd better click off the TV & go 2 bed. As I was going up the stairz, I was thinking, "Man, that was the most creepy & disgusting movie I've ever seen. ...But hey! I can deal." Worse, I had the distinct impression that all the junk food I'd scarfed had gone str8 2 my arse & made it enormous. 4tunately, it seemz 2 B back 2 normal 2day. Edgar was in such a hurry 2 get upstairs that even tho he was asleep on the chair next 2 me when I decided 2 go upstairz, he managed 2 B halfway up the staircase when I was only just starting 2 climb it. So, there I was, lying in bed. Odd how the remote-control hairdo curse sumhow allowz me 2 have my hair down when I sleep. But NEway, the house was making these noises I never noticed B4 when there were other ppl in the house. It was, like, "Creak-creak ... Drip ..... Craaakk ... Mmmmm ..... Creak ... Whshhh .... Mmm" & I thot, "I'm alone in the house. No biggie." Then the house sed, "Creeak ... Drip ..... Whhsshh .... Click! Mmmmhh .... creak...." & I thot, "I'm alone in the house--& I'm cool." Then the house was all, "Click! ... Click! ... Mmm .... Click!" & I thot, "I'M ALONE IN THE HOUSE!" Man, I don't even wanna tell U what happed next. I M so not telling U. Well, not 2day NEway. Prolly 2morrow, tho.

Jeremy, it's not that I don't believe U xactly. It's just that I'm not sure what 2 think. I do remember that when Howard visited that place up north, he was told that if he didn't watch himself, he cd B erased. & my brain has this spot that feelz like it's being blocked sumhow. I can't help thinking mayB that part of my brain rememberz a girl named Eva. But it's like another part of my brain is also trying 2 make me think that's impossible & there never was NE Eva. Does that make sense 2 NE of U? W/all the effed up stuff so many of us have been thru? It's possible, eh?

Dunc sorry U hadta eat Kraft Dinner soup last nite. Wanna come over here after yr workday this evening? Connie's giving me takeout $ again.

Apes

Stupidity Rocks

D00dz, sorry, it loox like I'm back 2 talkin' abt myself, which prolly meanz I'll B yammering abt myself thru Saturday @ the least. Gah, I tried, tried 2 resist, but I sat down & all I could think 2 tell U was--

OK, well U mite've noticed I wasn't much 4 posting yesterday. Apologiez 4 that. I was so xcited abt having the house all 2 myself I barely looked @ the 'puter. U hafta understand, normally @ my house, U can't take junk food outta the cupboards w/out my Mom snatching them away & devouring them rite b4 yr eyez. So last nite, I loaded up my arms & stupidly did an inventory of the snacks I was taking w/me 2 go watch TV: "Cola, nippy-nutz, Cheez-o-puffs, Choko mallow bars, an' cereal! ...A balanced diet!" Hm, I even think "an'". The only reason NE1 sez "an'" is, like, it takes soooo much effort 2 pronounce that "duh" sound @ the end. If U really, really listen 2 peeps talking, they rarely ever really pronounce that end "D", but typically it soundz more like "en" not "an'", like U'd think we're goin' around saying the name "Ann". NEway, this is all according 2 my English teacher. So, like, it's weird 2 think "an'", eh? But I'm really getting away from my topic. Bcuz my topic is kinda (well, not kinda) stupid. But, it's my topic, so here goez. As I was carrying the snacks, with the dogs lopin' along cuz, y'know, snacks, I started talking 2 myself. That didn't take long, eh? I was all, "Alone, alone--I love being alone! I can watch TV, go online, talk on the phone...I'm FREEE!" Then l8r: "Hah! 12 o'clock--I'm never allowed 2 stay up this l8 on a school nite!" Right after that, I thot, "Stupidity rocks!" This was as a movie called Horror in the House came up on the tube, "for mature audiences only."

So, Dunc, how was that club? Vatikan? Did U get back in2 the Malkmuses house OK? Becks, how's the Valhalla coming along? Ger, R U hung over again? Jeremy, still talkin' 2 yr imaginary friend? Howard, have NE more of yr shoez been harmed?

Apes

Mike and His Mirth Meander

Doodz, so did NE1 happen 2 catch Mike's l8est "Michael's Mirthful Meanderings" column in the Milborough Shopper? No? Well, I can't say I blame U. NEway, this is it:

Merry Merrie, Terrific Teddy

by

Michael Patterson

Picture this, my beloved readers. My blonde, bowl-cutted beauty of a wife and I are bundled to the hilt, sitting in the skating-rink stands, using coffee to warm our hands. In fact, she so wisely noted this after I so uxoriously brought them to her: "This is a great way to warm up our hands!" The depersonalized patter on the public address system droned to us: "Thank you, intermediate girls. . . That was lovely!" Then it irascibly introduced, "Now, Vince Winkle and Marilee Snypes will dance to a medley of Broadway show tunes." Darling dervish Deanna and I clutched our coats to us through the medley, through the "senior girls precision program." Our teeth chattered as we viewed the acrobatic skater Chenille Foisgras (her real name, we are assured). Finally, the announcer proclaimed the final programme of the day, one hundred and twenty minutes from when we first sat: "And. . . Now our junior skaters will perform to 'The Teddy Bear's Picnic'."

My Spunky Spouse and I let out a mighty cheer! Our merry Meredith and her mates skated out in their bear suits, and my little bear was the cutest cub of the bunch! Afterwards, I had a thought, and I daresay it was profound, gentle readers: "Love is: Sitting in an arenda for two hours... So you can watch your daughter for two minutes!"

After our glorious time at the rink, I hugged my wonderful wife, squeezed my darling daughter, waved to my rambunctious Robin (retrieved from the sitter), and ascended to my attic, where the deadlines awaited, undaunted. The sacrifices we make for our loved ones.

Dee sent me the column in an e-mail, and her note said,

'April'!

I can't believe I actually got your 'brother' to leave his attic long enough to watch 'Merrie' skate! I must say I was floored. Of course, he's practically breaking his 'arm' patting himself on the back about his two hours, while I've been attending every single practice Merrie and her fellow bears have had. But, I must say, 'Michael' and I had a moment of perfect syncronization. Somehow, when 'he' had that "Love is" thought? I had the exact same thought at the same time! Unbelievable!

Be 'well',

'Dee'

& there U have it!

Peeps, I hope I won't B goin' on & on abt myself again 2morrow & the rest of the week. I M going 2 try really hard 2 focus on other ppl/subjs, but sumtymez it seemz like other forces, like mayB the onez that control my hair, also influence the topics I focus on?

Dunc, I'm glad U liked the poem I made 4 Kimmi's card. I'll post it separately since this entry is already so long! D00d, I wish I cd get U out of that traffic study Mr. Malkmus is forcing U 2 do. That's just so mean!

Apes

On my own 2nite

So, this morning I was checking my e-mail & I'm pretty sure my psycho hairdo was grumbling. I'm trying 2 ignore the whole evil-hair sitch, but it's kinda hard. NEway, Connie popped her head in my door & she was all, "April? I was wondering if U'd like 2 stay here on yr own 2nite." I sat up, smiled, & asked, "I can stay here alone?!" Connie was, like, "It shdn't B a problem. I'd B rite next door if U needed me. What do U say?" I was like, "OK. Yeah! Sure!" Then after she left, I did a weird little happy dance while going, "Woooo hoooooo!!! Cool! Majorly cool! I'm my own boss! I rule! I can do NEthing ... NEthing I want 2 do!" Then, I thot, "What shd I eat 1st?" while pulling a box of Cheerios out of the cupboard. Then I put it back & called Ger & asked him if he wanted 2 meet me @ the Eats Diner. We're there now. Ger luvs NE chance 2 eat away from home, yo.

Dunc's gonna come by @ around 1 this afternoon so he & I can make Kimmi a special "Congrats on finding yr vocation" card. He's got sum stock pix of nuns & stuff but he sez he wants a pretty rainbow in the background. . . .

L8r,

Apes

Sorry, Paul. . . .

So, yesterday, I was tellin' U all abt how I was in a crummy mood on Wednesday? & yesterday, Paul was gr8ful that after having dun a post on breakfast this week & a post on lunch also, that I didn't do 1 abt dinner when I wrote yesterday's entry. But now I'm abt 2, sort of, sorry, Paul.

Back 2 Wednesday. When I got home that day, Connie was, all, "Welcome home! I've got dinner on!" Then, she asked, "Is everything OK? Is sumthing bothering U?" I was kicking my footwear off just then & noticing my socks were white again. I haven't mentioned this yet, but another weird thing this week, besides my hair w/its springing back in2 the st00pid prop bun on its own? My socks have been, like, changing colour! White. Black. White. Black. No wonder I'm on edge! NEhoodles, Connie was consulting this note Mom had left her, titled "Care & Feeding of My Whiny-Baby Martian Teenangster", & saying, "Look. I'm not yr baby sitter, OK? Yr Mom & Dad asked me 2 stay here while they're away. That's all." I kinda banged my head on the wall just then. Next, she sed, "We both know U're mature enuf 2 B on yr own, so just put up with me 4 their sake. ...Deal?" & I sed, "Deal." Then, while eating (look away, Paul!) dinner, I thot, "The thingz I do 4 my parents!" But by then, so much time had lapsed that I wasn't thinking abt Connie NEmore. I was thinking abt sumthing else entirely. What was it? Prolly sumthing abt bad hair & changing-colour sox.

U know, this morning, I tried a lil xperiment. I was in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, tho not poking @ my reflection (lirpA). & I sed out loud (it's crazy, but so is my self-bunning hair): "OK, hair, I'm NOT gonna do NEthing 2 U. U're just gonna hang loose & free like this." ("This" was down, flowy, cute.) Then, weirdest thing. I cda sworn I heard this cackly laffter, like a wicked witch in a movie wd do. & next thing U know, my hair whipped itself up & back, & pins flew up & in2 it, forming that idiotic propellor bun U R alwayz seeing me wear l8ly. If not 4 all the other weird thingz I've seen in my life, I think I wda fainted!

Ger, of course I remember the "ice cream d8" @ Mr. Singh's, w/the Neapolitan ice cream. I thot U were referring 2 the Napolean d8 when we got pastriez. Both were v. special 2 me. But neither is what foax R talking abt when they're talkin' abt sum1 being Napolied.

Apes

Yesterday's Bad Mood

I got in2 a really foul mood yesterday. I'm not sure Y. In 1 of my classes, I was actually thinking "Snarl, grumble, snort, snivel, snarl." I don't know what came over me that I was thinking that. I mean, who does that? I think I scared the girl who was sitting 2 my left w/the sour xpression on my face. As I was stomping around betw classes, I felt pretty sure I had a thot bubble w/a dark cloud over my head. I think sum girl w/, like, no pigment in her hair saw it. I wonder if my dark cloud spooked her so bad I made her hair turn white? I hope not, I have enuf problems worrying abt my own hair springing back in2 the st00pid prop bun on its own, which I think accts 4 @ least 75% of my bad mood yesterday, now that I think of it. I musta taken that idiotic thing down abt 17x. NEway, in PE I tried 2 do a slam dunk. Bad mistake, w/my bad mood. Esp since my handz had turned in2 theze scary little bird-claw appendages @ the endz of my handz, so I cdn't handle the ball 2 well. & it went WHAKK! on the backboard. At the bus stop, I think the black cloud was back in my thot bubble, only bigger. Kidz were lookin' @ me like I was sum montster fr. a bad movie on l8-nite TV. Then, on the bus going home, I was thinking, "Weird. ...Nobody wants 2 sit on the bus w/me." Tho now that I think back, I can understand Y peeps must been scared off.

Dunc, wd U like me 2 help U make a card 4 kimmi? I've got card stock & I know U R good w/Photoshop. Just a thot. Sorry thingz R bad rite now & also sorry I've been all pissy over nuthin'. I have a feeling I'm gonna B pissy sum more B4 the week's over. Sorry in advance, ppl!

Apes

Lunch Yesterday

OMG, I don't know what the dealio is with my hair! After I take it down, it sumhow springz itself back in2 that uggo propellor-bun! Like sumtime between my morning convo w/Ger yesterday & lunch w/Ger & Dunc, it went "sproing" back in2 the stupid bun. Like sum1's controlling it fr. a distance! So freaky. And not fair. And so much worse than having sum1 "babysit" me. But 4 sum reason, that's what we talked abt over lunch.

Ger: I know how U feel, man. My parents have gone away an' left sum1 2 "look after me".

Me: ::snort::

Dunc: Me 2. It's not pretty.

Me: It's bad enuf when yr Mom an' Dad tell U what 2 do, but getting instructions from a babysitter is like, so demoralizing!! This morning, Connie musta told me 6 times not 2 4get my lunch! 6 times!!

Ger: Um....It looks like she made U a pretty good lunch!

Me: R U on my side, or what?

Hm, it's interesting that Ger sed his 'rents leave sum1 2 "look after me" & not "look after us". I wonder if that meanz his bro alwayz goez w/their 'rents & Ger gets left behind. That's pretty harsh if that's what they do. I'll hafta ask Ger.

Apes

Connie's Nice--I was grumpy

So Connie slept over last nite & this morning she made me bacon & eggz 4 breakfast. I was surprised cuz Mom usually has me fend 4 myself. When she was putting the B 'n' E on the table, Connie sed, "I hope yr Mom & Dad R having a good holiday." I sed, "Yeah. Me 2." Even tho the truth is I don't really care if they have a nice holiday since they don't really care if I have a nice time while they're getting all tan & it's still cold here in Mboro. NEway, as I was leaving, Connie was all, "What wd U like 4 dinner--chicken or meat loaf?" I sed, "Um...meat loaf, please." I was startled cuz l8ly Mom's been making me cook the dinnerz on most nites. Connie was, like, "I'm going 2 do laundry. Is there NEthing U'd like me 2 wash or iron?" I was all, "Sure. There's a couple of thingz." When I went out, Connie sed, "Have a good day @ school, honey. I'll B here when U get home." @ school this morning, Gerald asked me, "How'z it going with the 'chaperone', April?" & I was all, "Terrible." Which wasn't so much abt Connie, who'z cube, but I did wanna have the house 2 myself. I was so out of it this morning, I twisted my hair in2 the ugly, stupid propellor bun, even tho Marjee styled it so cute yesterday. But rite after that convo w/Ger & let it down & it looks much better now.

Speaking of Ger, isn't it weird how our heights in relation 2 ea other keep changing? I'm not sure if it's me or him changing, or mayB a combo of both. But there R timez when he's, like, a whole head taller than me. Then other times, like 2day, when the top of my head lines up w/, like, his eyez. Weird.

Apes

Dogs protecting, LOL!

Sorry this is so l8, peeps, & I gotta make it a quickie. So, I sent a lame e-mail 2 Liz abt how I can't believe she's teaching a teacher & then I did this big complainy thing abt Connie "babysitting" me when I'm old enuf 2 B alone & I have the (lazy, sleeping) dogz 2 protect me. Yeah, Connie's actually easy 2 pay off 2 leave me alone, but Liz & I wanna have this e-mail in our "official" record in case we need it, eh?

Apes

Dispatch from Baja

So Mom & Dad R already in Baja! Yeah, it's not what I xpected originally, cuz I thot their trip was gonna match up w/my March vacation, which is the week of March 13! & U know what? I don't even know how long they'll B gone! A week? A month? I dunno. When I got home fr. sk8ing & malling w/Becks yesterday, they were just, like--GONE! They left a note saying there'd been a change of planz & they were on their way 2 Mex.

NEhoodles, so I've already gotten an e-mail fr. Dad. He wrote,

April! Buddy!

The weather here in Baja is gorgeous, but I miss my pal April! Your mother and I had an early-morning stroll on the beach. I wore my sportin' lime-green trunks and a classic white t-shirt, while your mother had her new "PortlyBelles" swimsuit and purple cover-up drawstring pants. And her sunglasses. And that new sunhat that Iris gave her. Anyway, as we passed, I couldn't help but admire the young lovelies on the beach. I mean, maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but men can't help but look at a comely young woman in skimpy bathing attire. It's the way our brains are wired, April! Anyhow, I was being subtle about it, but your mother caught me. We had a conversation that went like this:

Your Mother: I saw that.

Me: Saw what?

Your Mother: I saw you watching those girls without moving your head. (Poking me with one finger.) You think I don't notice....But I do. You roll your eyes to one side...like this. (Takes off her sunglasses and demonstrates what I thought had been my secret technique.) Hmph! (Replaces sunglasses.) I know your lettle secret, John!... So, how are you going to watch them now?

So guess what I did the next time a young woman in a skimpy bikini showed up? I gawked, April! I gawked! With my eyes wide open, huge grin--I might even have been wiggling my ears! That showed her! Your mother, that is. She looked nonplussed. I believe that was a vocabulary word for you this semester, pal. Anyway, that's all I've got time for at the moment. Now, remember, be good, and stay away from the ugly websites online. And mind Connie!

Love,

Dad

Oh, ew! I so did not need to know about that. So my dad's leering at young babes in Mexico. Like I need that in my brain. That's about as welcome in my thoughts as Gramps and his harem-girl dreams. Oh, why'd I hafta remember about that? Ugh, ugh, ugh!

Anyway, Liz, since I don't know whether Mom & Dad will be back when I have my March break, I don't know whether we'll B able 2 do our Mtig trip! Leave it 2 Mom & Dad 2 louse thingz up royally!

Apes

P.S. I don't know Y Becks wants peeps 2 think I can hardly figure sk8. Not true, but whatevs.

Liz is Anxious

Here's a message Liz posted in last nite's comments:

I tried petting Shiimsa to calm down, but I just couldn't. I can't stop thinking about what happened after school on Susan's teaching day.

As we left, Susan said it was really hard to teach so many different grades in one class. I told her she did a great job, but I was feeling sort of weird about it. Kind of like a cross between jealousy and suspicion. Then Susan asked me, "Do you think so?" like she needed even more reassurance.

So I said, "Sure! This job is not for everyone." And then I started to freak out again as I realize, She's perfect! Gary could easily use Susan to replace me!

And I think Susan is in on the plan to get rid of me! Then she asked, "You've done this for a couple of years now, Elizabeth...Have you got any good advice?" Like she was planning on taking over my job tomorrow or something!

So I just started saying things that I thought would make her not want the job. I said, "Let's see...you've got to be well-disciplined..." Which I said because I thought it would make her feel like she couldn't do it. You know, most people do not think of themselves as being very rigid and organized. And heck, I'm not very well-disciplined! Whenever I feel like it, I just scrap the lessons and show DVDS or play Bingo or whatever!

But before I could say anything else to discourage her, Jesse threw a snowball and whacked Susan in the head! I think he must have caught on to Gary's secret plan and wants to scare Susan away from Mtigwaki. So, I caught him and said I would discipline him, and warned Susan that she would need to know how to discipline well, to make her think the Mtigwaki kids were horrible little hellions. I even put on a closed-eyed, serene, know-it-all Patterson face. But then, when Susan turned her back, I slipped Jesse a $5 bill.

I seriously think Gary is planning to replace me! Just because I don't know Ojibway! Or maybe he's mad that I'm dating a Native boy! What should I do? Should I break up with Paul? Or take a crash course in Ojibway? Both? Neither?

I asked Shiimsa her advice. She said, "YOU STUPID LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND, GARY WILL NEVER FIRE YOU! HE IS HOT FOR YOUR BODY! HE WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS! NOW HE KNOWS YOU ARE HOT FOR THE RED MAN, HE'S GOING TO PUT THE MOVES ON YOU!"

I am so confused!

Liz

Paul posted that she doesn't need 2 worry, as his Mtigwaki relliez tell him Lizzie's the best teacher they've ever had. For example, Jesse showing up half the time & paying attention 1/2 the time is, like, a major achievement.

Becks is psyched abt the supper club her dad's gonna B opening so she can perform regularly. The Valhalla. We were IM-ing back & forth a bit last nite & we decided it'd B fun 2 do sum figure sk8ing like we used 2 do more often. So we're gonna meet @ the rink by the mall, 1:00, then do sum shopping afterwards.

Dee, I can C Y life w/Mike wd drive U 2 germaphobia. & Liz, I M sooooo w/U when it's time 2 testify abt Mike's so-called mental st8!

Apes

Jesse made a funny & a fraction.

OK, so I got a chance 2 finish reading the Liz e-mail I was telling U abt yesterday morning. It turnz out the rest of it was abt how Shiimsa's favourite cat-food flavours R Nine Lives Liver & Bacon and Nine Lives Turkey & Giblets. In case we were thinking of sending gifts.

I got a new e-mail fr. Liz last nite, w/sum more stuff abt Susan. This 1 was just 2 me, not 2 Mom & Dad. She wrote,

You know April, I feel mean writing this, but Susan gets this look on her face that I can only call "annoyingly serene", like she's thoroughly grounded to the earth and nature, and so on, and you just wanna smack the look off her face. That's the look she had when I was telling the class, "OK, everyone! Miss Dokis has been observing our class and she's brought us some great new ideas. She's shown us how to work with fractions, using common things we find in our homes." Smug, April. I've gotta say that "serene" look is downright smug. I think I preferred when she looked all gobsmacked from being "in over her head" (har, har, har) the other day. But anyway, I went on: "She's shown us how to work with fractions, using common things we find in our homes. So, we use fractions when we....yes?" & students called out, "Make a cake!" "Fill a gas tank!" "Cut up a pizza!" I couldn't help but notice Jesse was looking out the window with a daydreamy look on his face, so I walked over to him and said, "Jesse--were you paying attention?" And he said, "I was...half of the time." Get it? "Half of the time." Jesse learned a fraction! Anyway, when I glanced back at Susan, I noticed that Jesse's remark had dislodged that smug "serene" look from her face, but I nearly choked, because in its place, she had a Paul face. I swear to gum, April she looked like Paul with a very, very tight (I'm talking Mom-tight) bun. I feel sick even thinking about it, let alone writing about it. I think I'll take the smug-serene thing. Well, better go. Shiims tells me its a liver-an'-bacon kinda night.

Love,

Liz

NEway, that's the l8est from Liz. Big ups 2 Becks 4 getting that incomplete removed fr. first-semester math. Becks, wanna celebr8 this weekend? Shopping & goss @ the mall 2morrow? Lemme know.

Erg, I've got a guitar lesson w/Mr. Bergan this afternoon, & he'z got me practicing this super-hard guitar piece. Ooh, but U know what? He sez he mite tell Mom that it's mandatory 4 me 2 have an electric guitar 4 sum of the piecez I'm learning. U mite remember, she got one 4 me when her 1st shamp-oh fr Howard transformed her in2 young, "nice" Elly. But then after she got changed back, she gave it 2 Dunc. Who, like, really only holdz it 4 me, & I play it whenev we jam @ his house. But it wd B way cool if I cd have it @ home & use it when I want. Oh, well, wish me luck!

Apes

Liz e-mails. . . .

Liz sent an e-mail 2 me, Mom, & Dad. I didn't get 2 read the whole thing cuz my computer crashed B4 I finished & then I had 2 rush off 2 school. But as I remember it, Liz was telling us abt this chick Susan, the student teacher they've got visiting this week. She'z there 4 experience teaching in a place like Mtig, & she reminds Liz of herself when she did her 1st round of practice teaching. In other words, Liz feels like she'z "in over her head!" I think there's supposta B a joke in there sumwhere, but I don't C it. In other news, it's cold & Liz is tired of winter.

Ger's coming over after school 2day 2 study our "history of the English language" stuff. His notes R more complete than mine!

Apes

March Letters!

OK, so here goes. . . .

Mine: The boring teacher--Ger, Becks, Dunc, & I have been doing a contest 2 C who can pass the most notez when he's not lookin' @ us. I think Becks has the lead.

It's true that U can't take drama class if U're grade 9, but U can B in drama club, like Dunc is. But the thing is, Becks likes A Midsummer Night's Dream more than she likes MacBeth, & plus she doesn't like Mr. Mirabell, the advisor 4 drama club. @ least neither the drama class nor the drama club is using a Mike Patterson "adaptation" of Shakespeare, LOL.

OK, here'z sumthing I hafta explain:

Beckers and I chat online sometimes; it's not the same between us anymore, but IM is less personal than phone calls and I don't have to disguise my voice if I'm annoyed at her. I don't know if we'll ever be friends again...sometimes it feels like we're just being silly, but then I'm afraid to get friendly with her in case she starts acting like a jerk.

Yeah, IM. Cuz, like we still don't want Mom 2 know abt this blog, eh? & the rest. What I really wrote was that our friendship wasn't xactly the same as the way it was B4 Becks left 4Evah, but it was hard 2 xplain the wayz it's diff now. I wrote that I'm not sure whether our friendship will change back, or even if we'd want it 2, cuz it's not so simple as thingz were better B4. They're diff. Like I say, it's hard 2 xplain. I actually put a buncha thot in2 that passage abt our friendship changing, but Mom had 2 take her fat fingerz & make it all like "I don't know if we'll ever be friends again" & being all afraid of her "acting like a jerk." & not needing 2 "disguise my voice if I'm annoyed at her." Now, I'm not tryin' 2 say we never get annoyed @ ea other, but it goez 2 ways, & sumtymez I can B a jerk (not that I mean 2, it just happs sumtymez, cuz from being human & all).

Shannon, I've actually gotten 2 know a bit better after that whole weird yrbook meeting where we found out that Hi Perspastick had, like, purposely gotten the other SN kidz 2 not like her so she'd B xtra needy & B xtra gr8ful 2 get attention fr. a "perfect Patterson" (::puke::). So, she'z now gotten pretty tite w/sum of the other SN students & a few mainstream kidz thru yrbook 2. But I wasn't even goin' 2 get in2 all that, cuz I didn't wanna make thingz look like "I'm a Patterson doin' her a favour," IYKWIM, but Mom was all hovering & "write sumthing abt that nicespecialneedsgirl U R friendz with." & so I did. Sorry, Shan.

Paul, well, obvs I know more abt him & Liz than I let on w/the letter, but that's thru this blog, so again, keeping mom ignorant of that deet.

Liz's letter: So, like, sorry abt that "code" of yrs. Being sick really sux!

OK, Liz, so once again U're being all, "The student population gets a little thin at this time of year; kids take time away from school to tend to their elders or to take care of the winter work that needs doing in remote areas like this one." Don't get mad @ me 4 asking, but is there NE time of year when the student population doesn't get "a little thin" fr. kidz taking time away fr. school? Cuz, again, I remember U saying pretty much the same stuff abt the warm weather.

Girlz teasing Liz abt Paul & asking abt marriage. That's pretty cube that Liz wants the girlz 2 understand they don't hafta marry yung. Liz, did Mom give U NE grief abt that, BTW?

OK, so Liz sez abt Paul: "He's a great person, and I see this relationship becoming serious. If he gets transferred to Spruce Narrows, we'll be that much closer together. I'm looking forward to it!" Liz, I think in Paul's mind, yr relationship is already serious. Cuz peeps don't go requesting a job transfer over non-serious relationships!

Heh, Liz, I think we @ ARB know all abt yr non-verbal communication w/Shiims, but I guess U don't wanna freak out Mom, eh?

Mom's letter: OMG, peeps, if U think Mom & Dad R boring U 2 death now w/their planz 4 that vacation 2 Mexico, w8 until they tell U allllll abt it after (or during). U will wanna shoot yrself. Or them. Blahblahblah, warm weather, blahblahblah, Baja, Mexico. & mayB Mom will once again give sum mariachi guy the privilege of playing sum traditional song he likez insteada "La Bamba" so she can feel all self-righteous. Again.

Slowly easing in2 retirement? Yes, I think we all get that. Slow, slow, slow. Yeah I'll keep working @ the bookstore if I want! LOL!!! & poor Mira, demonized again, just cuz she loves her grandchildren & dotes on them. But no, Mom hasta undo the "spoiling". As if Merrie & Robin want her undoing that. & notice how she threw in all that stuff abt spending time w/me? That's totally cuz peeps have been on her case 4 sounding like she 4got abt me in last month's letter & conversations w/Dad & otherz abt retiring. LOL! Now she wants 2 sound like she givez a shizzle!

Hey, Ger, did U know U R a member of "opposite...sex!!!" LOL! Just luvvin' the random ellipse, Rn't U?

Oh, & ppl have also been giving Mom & Dad grief w/"What abt April & university? Have U 4gotten U're not done w/her yet?" So Mom thru 2gether this little passage: "It feels strange to be contemplating retirement while we still have a child in the house; her college fund is taken care of at least, which is one of the benefits of being a late-life baby - her father and I have had enough time to learn about responsible money management and investing." Yeah, Mom especially wants ppl 2 think that since she has sum weird endorsement dealio w/a bank 4 their financial-planning programme, LOL!

Oh, Liz, I cdn't help laffing when I read "Liz tells me next to nothing about her relationship with her new boyfriend, but I've seen some of the snapshots that she emails April, so I know they enjoy snowshoeing and hiking by the lake." If only she knew about the whole hiking thing, eh? "By the LAKE? That's terrible information!"

OMG, did Mom actually put sum criticism of Michael in there? "I hope he slows down soon; he's going to miss some major milestones in his children's lives if he doesn't extricate himself once in a while!" ::gasp:: Of course, she pretty well praises Dee 4 putting up w/his crap tho supposedly also 4 making sure stuff is gonna change, sumday. Ha.

Oh, & here's a good one: "Speaking of cookies, I'm cleaning off a bag of them as I write. A bad thing. But I'll soon be walking off the bulge on the beach and swimming in the sea." Rite, like a few strolls by the water & flaily splashez R gonna make a diff 2 her rollz o' fat!

Dad's letter: Boring stuff abt the vacation. Boring stuff abt Mom retiring, selling the store. Oh, & the bit abt me staying @ home w/Connie babysitting me @ nite. Heh, well, we won't tell him our real planz, will we, Liz? ::wink::

More boring stuff abt selling his st00pid car. Dad, no1 carez, sell it already so U can stop telling every1 abt it. Jeremy, I have a feeling Dad mite B taking U 4 another testdrive, eh?

Oh, & check this: "Now that I'm working four days a week, and Everett, my associate, is taking on more and more as he gains some experience, I notice he has very good judgment and a wonderful way with people, both clients and staff." Sum1 reminded Dad of his associate's actual name! Not only that, but the name's also been corrected in his letter from last month! Go, Steph (web designer who helps my mom)!

"Here I am at retirement age!" Wha? Dad's 57. I thought "retirement age" was, like, mid-60s. Y R Mom & Dad in such a rush 2 get old. Speaking of which, Dad, like suddenly remembered he haz parents, & also that they have health probs & will die sumday. Just like how Grampa Jim will die sumday. Get old, die, U know the drill.

Mike's letter: It totally soundz like Mike wants a medal cuz, like, on one night, he pulled his arse outta that attic, came downstairz, & played w/the kidz 4 a while so Dee cd have a relaxing bath. Unlike most nites, when she totally hasta w8 until after they're deeply asleep so she can finally take, like, a s00per-d00per quickie shower all the while listening in case sum1 wakes up crying. Cuz if that happed, Mr. "Delicate Genius" up the attic wd never hear a thing.

& then Mike turnz his talk abt his kidz in2 an xcuse 2 go on & on abt himself & how thingz were when he & Liz were little. I will let Liz tell U whether she rememberz thingz a bit differently, eh?

& then his life @ Portrait magazine. It grinds on. Oh, poor thing, with yr coveted editor-in-chief positon that fell in2 yr lap. But U R one of the cool "disgruntled" kidz. W/all the side projects he & his "disgruntled" friendz do, it's no wonder the mag'z going down the toilet. I wdn't blame their publisher if he totally cleaned house & got sum writerz & editorz who, like, appreciate their jobs.

Hm, so one day Mike will give Dee a life in a house like Mom & Dad's that even has a workshop like Dad does. A workshop? Since when is Mike a "workshop" kinda guy. Oh, I C, he was 'tending. In other words, don't hold yr breath, Dee!

Oh, & Mike's all "Remember the environment and think green." This from sum1 who was all asking if global warming is political hot air? Please!

Deanna's letter: Ooh, more advice from "Ask a Pharmacist"! Dee sez she's thinking of doing a column, peeps!

OK, so confused abt the Kelpfroths. What happed 2 the eviction notice that Lovey served? She was all, well, all they hafta do is stop the smoking & fix the damagez. But obvs they haven't stopped the smoking, so Y is Dee being all "I guess it's easier to avoid confrontation than to evict the culprits." What, what, what?

"Mike is still working his inhuman hours to make the dream happen sooner, and with my job being full-time our finances are coming together nicely. We're sticking it out as long as we can here, though, because the bigger the down payment we can save, the easier we'll have it in the long run." OK, but U must have a good chunk saved by now. It's not like the old dayz when U needed 20%, or so I've heard fr. Nancy-Sue Shelmanella's Mom, the realtor. 5%, peeps!

Merrie is gonna start sk8ing lessons. Then swimming in the summer. OK, soundz like fun. Will Mike ever join in? Oh, rite, that's the fun stuff, so prolly. @ least until Merrie's all crying cuz she has a boo-boo. Then it'll B hand-off-2-Mom tyme.

Gramps/Iris's letter: Aches an' pains, jamming; Iris, Mom, & Dixie & I R Gramps's favourite girlz. Ohhhhhhhkay. Iris--more aches an' pains, special tubz.

Library. Books w/large print. That's all.

Pets' letter: Not much 2 say abt this, xcept I've purposely spent more time w/Dunc's cats 2 help me get ready 2 meet Shiimsa. I wanna understand 'em better. The letter only mentions one of Dunc's cats, the fat one, whose name is actually Falstaff. The other, not-fat kitty, that's Faustus. I'd mentioned both cats in the letter, but sumhow Faustus got the shaft in Mom's final edit. MayB she's afraid of plays by Christopher Marlowe, eh?

Depending on Liz

So, like, this convo w/Gary Liz had on Monday? The one abt Paul & race? Well, l8r that day, Gary finally changed the subj & was all, "We have a visitor coming in 2morrow, Liz. Her name is Susan. She'z a teacher from Thunder Bay." Liz was, like, "2morrow?" Even tho he'd clearly sed "2morrow", but she sez she was stalling & didn't know what else 2 say. Then Gary told her, "Yeah. She wants 2 work in a community like this 1, so we've arranged 2 have her stay 4 a few dayz. " Liz went, "Sounds good!" & Gary sed, "I was hoping U wd show her around, introduce her 2 the kidz & make her feel welcome." Liz was, like, "U can depend on me, sir!" She sez she pointed @ herself w/one hand when she sed that, & that when she did, she had a terrible feeling that her body got all masculine looking & she resembled Mike with a bun. NEway, when Liz sed Gary cd depend on her, Gary sed, "I know." & Liz left the room 2 find a mirror & check 2 C whether she was having a "Mike" day. "Mike" dayz suck. She sez that much l8r, she overheard Gary telling Viv abt the convo, & Gary was all, "Viv, as Liz was leaving the room, I thought, '& I have 2keep reminding myself not 2 depend on her 2 much!'" & Liz was all, "April, what cd he mean by that? I don't like the sound of it!" I was, like, "It's hard 2 say, Liz, he cd mean a lot of thingz." Liz was like "That's no help. I wonder if he'z worried I'll marry Paul & move away? Is that the real reason they're bringing in this Susan chick? Oh, & I heard Gary asking Viv whether she ever notices I sumtymez look like a dude! Y does that have 2 happen?" Well, U know how it is w/convos where U really don't have NEthing useful 2 add.

So, Howard, I M glad U R cured of that "wordplay" ailment U had yesterday. Glad I cd help. & Sorry again I had 2 throw so many awful, awful punz @ U!

Apes

Edit: In case U haven't refreshed, my post abt the March letterz is up! Woot!