Bringing glurge smiles

Lilliput's had a special "breakfast" event this morning, and Moira and Beatrice asked me 2 help them set up 4 it. It turned out that most of the ppl @ the breakfast were the same peeps who R alwayz showing up @ Lilliput's 2 have coffee w/my Mom and talk abt our lives. It's creepy how much sum of these ppl know. And how much sum don't.

NEway, this one chick was going, "Elly is so wonderfull [sic]! The way she agreed to stay with her elderly father while Iris has a vacation is just so, so wonderfull [sic] and so, so NICE!" Sum1 else sed, "Yes, I know what you mean! Like for example, Elly told her father, 'I brought some of your favo[u]rite grub, Dad. I'm gonna make Shepherd's pie, chicken and biscuits, bread pudding and trifle!' Isn't that nice?" And sum1 else sed, "Nice? What's with Elly and the heart-attack-stroke-cancer food? Does she want to kill off her father so she doesn't have to deal w/him @ the wedding?" Another person sed, "Hey, who invited the mean ppl here?"

Moira interjected, "We do allow ppl of differing views!" And sum guy with an Indiana accent was like, "Well! You really should limit this to people who appreciate how warm and loving Elly Patterson and her family are. Except April!" And I sed, "Hey!" And he went, "Oh, Hi, April, I didn't notice you were here!" And the chick who'd been saying "wonderfull" sed "April who?" And the guy who'd made the comment abt the food was like, "April! John and Elly's youngest, who is 17 and still living in their house!" And that woman looked v. v. confused.

Then sum1 else sed, "As a family-dynamics counselor, I really appreciated the way Elly told him, 'And despite yr grouchiness, we're going 2 have fun.'" And sum1 else sed, "Oh, me, too! And as teacher, I also liked how she went on w/'I brought you some good movies, April's new book, recent family photographs and herbs from my garden.'" One woman @ the table went, "Michael's book! What has the poor guy done 2 deserve that drivel?'" And the easily confused chick was like, "No, not another mean person! Michael is a wonderfull [sic] writer, and his books R wonderfull [sic], 2!"

I sed, "U know, there's only one 'L' @ the end of 'wonderful,'" but then Moira shushed me and whispered, "We're not supposed to correct them. At least not so directly."

Next, sum woman sed, "I lovedd [sic] it wen [sic] Ellie [sic] told Jimm [sic], "I've brought you the noosepaper [sic], some musick [sic], some choklit [sic]... and--' and then went, 'U're smyleing [sic]! Woww [sic]! I C a smyle!!'" I whispered 2 Moira, "Wow, sum of these ppl R really lousy spellers!" She nodded and looked a bit weary. (Not 2 B confused w/"wary," BTW.)

And yet another woman was all, "Oh, but don't forget the very, very, very best part! As Elly sat cross-legged on the floor, looking quite lovely, by the way, and not at all frumpy, so take that, Elly's critics, her father thought this: 'Yes... you've brought me that too.' 'That' meaning a smile! C that? Elly is just the best daughter EVER! Ever, Ever, Ever!'" And a lot of ppl nodded their heads, tho a couple were muttering abt how they hope that my mom doesn't consider pics from 1979/1980 2 B "recent family photographs."

Then the woman who'd just sed that stuff abt Mom being the best daughter ever sed, "By the way, I thought of some more things that could be written about Anthony: 'Anthony was frightened yet excited about his upcoming nuptials to the lovely Elizabeth Patterson. After all, his first marriage had gone terribly, terribly wrong, and though Elizabeth was, of course, quite different from the first Mrs. Caine, Anthony was still Anthony, and he was terrified that he might make some kind of an error....'" I heard a couple a ppl whisper, "Oh, God, SHE's here?" And I figured this was a gd time 2 get outta there.

As I was leaving, a coupla ppl who'd been called "mean" @ the table came up 2 me and sed sum really nice stuff abt how I'd B OK, just so long as I focused on my goals, didn't let my fam get 2 me, and made sure I left Mboro far, far behind as soon as I left 4 uni. That was really nice 2 hear, and it made me think how that table must B like "opposite land" if those ppl were considered the "mean ppl."

Apes

What's Mom Now--Part-Time or No-Time?

More on the stupid-boring gardening convo between Mom an' Connie. They were putting away the gardening supplies when Connie asked Mom, "Do U really want 2 B a full-time parent again?" Hearing abt that made me go "BWUH?" Isn't Mom supposed 2 still B a "full-time parent" 2 ME? Normal parents don't stop thinking of themselves as "full-time parents" when their youngest is 17 (or really last yr when I turned 16), rite? I'm not tripping, rite? B-sides, did a miss a memo abt Mike, Dee, Liz, and Anthony all moving 2 Ecuador and leaving Merrie, Robin, and Francie w/Mom?

Gah. NEway, on 2 Mom's dumb response 2 Connie's dumb question. Mom dumbly sed, "No. 2 B honest, I just don't have the energy." [2 remember I xxist.] Mom went on w/"I used 2 B able 2 chase kids all day, Connie. Especially Michael. When my Mom sed she hoped I'd have a child xxactly like I was--she got her wish!" Wow. So Grandma Marian was a mean and spiteful old bird. Nice.

Then Mom continued, and decided 2 work in the current retcon abt Michael: "Michael drove me crazy. But he was smart and funny and I loved him. ...And when I look back @ it all, he made me what I am 2day." Connie prompted Mom, with "Proud? Confident?" And Mom went 4 her punchline: "Um... Tired, actually. Just tired." Connie did an ugly-faced sticky-outy tongue laff rite on cue.

Uh-oh ppl. Look @ this sitch. It's Saturday. I just finished telling U a CONNIE story ending w/Mom reminiscing abt chasing Mike and Nizzie when they were little, and how Mike made Mom all kinds of tired. What does this sound like the prep 4? Yeah, I'm thinking it, 2. Prolly a wk's worth of "ZOMG NO! FLASHBACKS!" :(

Jeremy, def movie and pizza. Wow, I can't believe Brad Luggsworth's side gig. I guess being a cop doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped, eh?

Apes

Connie 4got me, 2!

Continuing the convo they had while gardening, Connie pushed the shovel in2 the ground w/her foot, 2 make holes for seedlings, and told Mom, "U can baby-sit yr grandchildren w/out being overwhelmed, El. U just have 2 set sum limits!" She didn't continue talking until after she and Mom were ready 2 put the seedlings in2 the ground, @ which pt she continued, "U've got 2 have time 4 yrself, rite? U've DONE yr job as a parent!" [No, she hasn't! ME! Still here!] They put the seedlings in silently, then they both got up and Connie sed, "Let yr kids find OTHER baby sitters 4 their children--and just help out when it's really necessary!" Mom wiggled the back of her head and sed, "That means leaving my babies w/strangers!!"

Yeah, whatevs. I'm just tired of ppl 4 getting I'm still only 17 yrs old and I xxist and all. But I guess I'm kinda used 2 it. Jeremy's Mom is letting me stay @ their house 4 a while, and so far I don't think Mom has noticed. She hasn't tried 2 call me or NEthing.

Apes

Reminder that Mom's all done w/me

It seems that removing the sleeves of the not-Marian dress became deconstructing the whole thing and remaking it. As Dee was cutting fabric, she was telling Liz, "Yr Mom has been so good 2 us, Liz. She takes the kids all the time. I don't know what we'd do w/out her!" As she fit the remade bodice around Liz's 4shortened torso, Dee went on w/"Michael's @ home most days, but he's not a househusband. He needs time alone 4 his writing... And I work 5 days a week." W8, Merrie's in school and Robin's in daycare @ Merrie's school. Mike can't be alone w/the kids 4 a couple of hrs ea afternoon evening, in the time between the bus arriving and Dee returning from work?!?!?!

NEway, Dee hunched over her sewing machine and went, "We try 2 B independent, but we've really needed the extra help." Liz sed, "Yeah... I hope Mom won't mind doing sum baby-sitting 4 us, 2!" Really? What happened 2 Anthony's mother?

Liz went over 2 our TTH 2 ask Mom abt this, and Mom sez her thot was, "But... I've already RAISED my children!" When Mom told me this, I kinda glared @ her, and she went, "WHAT?" Then, "Oh. Right. You. Well, U know, in the olden days, U'd B married and having yr 2nd child by now!" I sed, "It's not the olden days!" And Mom sez, "I live in a fantasy bubble!" I sed, "True enuf."

Dunc, I M on my way over 2 yr house 2 stop U from taking the GO train. U have no idea how much I had 2 argue w/the principal 2 get yr xxam rescheduled. U R NOT leaving! (But yeah, Mom totally 4got me again.)

Apes

No borrow--let's hear some BIDDING!

As Dee was working on the alterations 2 the not-Marian gown, She sed 2 Liz, "The 1st couple of yrs will B fun... And then U'll start C-ing ea other in a different lite. U'll go from being lovers to friends, parents, business partners, roommates, co-workers..." Liz replied, "Anthony and I have been friends 4 a long time, Dee. ...And I already feel like a parent!" Dee tells me that Liz had a slitely panicky look on her face as she sed this, and guessed it mite B cuz she was realizing that she and the Ant had skipped rite over the "lover" part B4 they even got married. When Dee sed this, I sed, "Oh, like in that oldie from the 80s, by the Motels, the one that goes, 'Take the "L" out of "lover" and it's over.'" Dee gave me a funny look and sed, "Yeah, sumthing like that."

NEway, the next thing Dee sed 2 Liz was, "Trust me. Marriage is a real challenge, and I wanted 2 let U know that we'll B there 4 U, Liz. NEtime U guyz need NEthing, let us know, OK?" Liz was like, "Well, there IS sumthing we'll B borrowing from U, Dee..." And Dee went, "What's that?" That when Liz was all, "Yr babysitter."

Er, no. No1 "borrows" me. Bidding war. We'll start the bidding @ $2/hr above my current base r8.

Dunc, OMG, I'm so sorry U slept thru yr xxam! I think U ended up having, like, 21 dbl-dbls. MayB we can talk 2 the English teacher and get U rescheduled.

Apes

More flashbacks U didn't wanna know abt

Hey, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's yesterday, Dunc! I was so glad I didn't spew out NE bad not-puns, or wordwork (opposite of wordplay, gettit?). And I know U were glad U didn't say "hum" insteada "eh" or talk abt how U cd get a sports job when U grow up. LOL.

NEway, guess what I woke up 2 this morning? I wandered in2 the kitchen, just wanting a nice bowl of granola w/vanilla soymilk, and who shd I C @ the table, eating my granola, but MIKE! And Liz was @ the counter making toast. And Dad was trying 2 remember how 2 make coffee (he keeps "4getting") as Mom was frying up a mess of bacon-egg slop @ the stove.

I was all, "What's going on here?" And Mom was all, "Isn't this nice! I invited Mike and Liz 2 come over 4 a good, old-fashioned family breakfast. I've been thinking abt the old dayz a lot l8ly and I was thinking how much I miss having my kids with me! I was like, "Hello, Mom? I'm yr kid and I still live in the house, remember?" Mom got a blank look on her face 4 a second, and then she seemed 2 recover and was all, "Now don't U get all defensive and teenagery, U know that what I meant was that I miss having all my kids with me!"

Then I sed, "What abt Dee and the kids?" Mom sed, "Don't B silly, they're not my kids!" I was like, "No, I know, but I'll bet Dee wda liked being included in this lil breakfast thing." Mike sed, "Don't B silly, formerly little Sister! Dee understands when I need a morning 'off.'" I tried 2 resist rolling my eyes, but they ended up rolling on their own. U know how it is. Next I asked Mike if he left me NE granola. "Oh. Was I supposed 2?" ARGH. He's so inconsiderate. Luckily I had sum vegan waffles in the freezer. Every1 in my fam thinks that's synonymous w/"cardboard," so they R totally safe.

I popped a couple of my waffles in2 the toaster and then went over 2 Dad. "OK, Dad, U can just drop the 'helpless' act. We all know U can make coffee but just don't want 2. Gimme the filter!" So he did, looking a bit sheepish, and I made coffee.

Once we were all settled around the table, Mom sat there looking back and forth between Mike and Liz, and then sed, "I can't believe my 2 kids--er, my oldest 2 kids--R all grown up! Lizzie, U were such a cute baby! I remember this one time, U were a baby and Mike was in kindergarten...." And I sed, "OMG, NOT another story from when Mike was in kindy and Lizzie was a baby!" Mom sed, "Who sed that?" And I sed, "ME!" And she sed, "Oh, yeah. Quiet U. I've got a gr8 story 2 share! As I was saying, Lizzie was a very, very cute baby! Sumday, U and Anthony will have a cute, cute baby of yr own!" Liz blushed, and I muttered, "Unless the baby favours Anthony!" Mom glared @ me.

"NEway," Mom continued, "This one time, yr father, here, on one of his good-father days, was playing w/little Lizzie, swinging her around while saying things like, "It's a tootsie pie! How's my bunnikins! How's my cutesie!" Meanwhile, I was noticing what a horrible mess Michael's room was." Mike sed, "Only b-cuz I was creative and inquistive!" Mom muttered, "No, that's not Y." Mike looked gobsmacked, and then Mom continued: "So, yr father went on playing w/Lizzie, sitting on the chesterfield while holding her on his lap and saying, "Tabump-tabump ta babbsie boo.. She's my little girlikins!" I walked in2 this charming tableau, where Michael was leaning on one arm of the chesterfield and smiling at his father and sister. But I couldn't stand it NEmore. The sight of that messy room had caused an anger that was boiling inside me, and I scrunched up my eyes, threw my mouth open, and shrieked, 'Michael Thomas Patterson! Get downstairs and clean up yr room!!'"

Mike sed, "Oh, I remember that! That's when I sed, 'C, Elizabeth.. Sum day they'll call U by yr real name...." I recall that Dad looked gobsmacked. Mom sed, "Of course he did." I sed, "W8. 'Michael Thomas Patterson.' How come the "Q & Eh" @ Mom's website has his name listed as 'James'?" Mom sed, "Honey, U can't xxpect the bizzy ppl who maintain my website 2 take the time 2 look up things like that. I M sure that Steph, or whoever, decided that 'James' sounded like a sensible middle name 4 Michael, since that's my father's name and I'm such a Daddy's girl." Dad sed, "Or @ least U were until yr dad b-came old and infirm." Mom glared @ him and he sed, "Sorry, I only meant 2 thot-bubble that comment, not say it out loud." I sed, "Mom, shdn't we get Steph 2 fix that answer on the website? Now ppl R gonna know Mike's middle name is really Thomas." And mom sed, "Dont' bother Steph w/trivia like that. We can just agree that Mike has 2 middle names now." Mike looked a bit confused.

Liz sed, "Can we get back 2 talking abt how cute I was when I was a baby? That's my favourite, talking abt me being so very cute! I remember Dad useta really luv me when I was his cute little girl! Then April came along and ruined all that. " I was like, "Oh, God, here we go again!"

Jeremy, pls hurry back from yr chess thing in Etobicoke!

Apes

Edit: Hey, Mike, when U were here earlier this morning, I was so distracted by the whole "middle name" thing, I 4got 2 ask abt Y Mom wda told U 2 go "downstairs" 2 clean yr room, if U, Dad, and Lizzie were on the chesterfield in the living room. Did Mom an' Dad make U sleep in the rec room back then?

They're gonna call me "Martian" Rn't they?

U know when U're working on sumthing and U just need 2 concentr8 on it till U finish? Mike, I know U do, LOL. I was writing an essay 4 school, and I was working on my concluding paragraph, when Mom was standing in my doorway, all, "April? Dinner's ready!" I sed, "I'll B there in a minute!" Insteada just taking my word 4 that and moving along, she went on w/"Rn't U hungry?" I sed, "Yes, but I'm in the middle of sumthing. I'll B there in a minute." Mom invaded my space by coming in2 my room, putting one hand on the back of my chair and sed, "What if I bring U little plate of..." I don't let Mom bring me a little plate of NETHING cuz she's still always trying 2 get me 2 eat meat. I yelled, "MOM!" Cuz that's the only way 2 stop her from talking when she's like that. Then I stood up and went, "MOM! I am coming! I wll B there! I will EAT!!!" Then Mom left the room, and I cd hear her in the kitchen telling Dad, "I've had it w/motherhood! ...I QUIT!" And I was thinking, "Girl pls, U quit motherhood ages ago, Y pretend that I drove U 2 that NOW?"

Ugh, I just know that Mom's "fans," the ones who sit w/her @ Lilliput's having coffee and saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you" every day, R gonna B all over what a thankless Martian BRAT I supposedly am. Just cuz I wanted 2 B left alone 2 finish up sum h'work B4 lining up @ Mom's dinner trough. I hope there will B @ least one person there sticking up 4 me.

Apes

Connie thinx rocks and stones R punny

So, I told U abt how Mom and Connie were walking Edgar and Dixie, congratul8ing themselves 4 how tuff, responsible, reliable, practical, determined, loving, and 4giving they supposedly R, while I was walking Dixie rite behind them, so poor Dix wdn't hafta miss out on having a walk.

NEway, Connie went, "Our kids always got along so well, Elly... Lawrence, Michael and Elizabeth were such gd friends!" And Mom sed, "Still R!" What? Mike and Lawrence were always gd friends, but Liz didn't b-come friendly w/Lawrence until she got a job w/him @ Lakeshore Landscaping when she was on summer break from uni, and even then, they never got super-close. And let's not 4get abt the time when Lawrence hit baby-Liz and she called 4 Mom, and he sed sumthing abt how he didn't know she cd talk 2 rat him out. Yeah "always gd friends." And while they were growing up, Mike and Liz were never friends w/ea other.

But it turned out, Connie had set up all this "friend" talk 2 segue in2 talking abt Liz being engaged: "Now 'little Lizzie' is officially engaged 2 Anthony! ...And U like him, don't U." Naturally, Connie st8ed this as a st8ment rather than a question. For yrs and yrs there's been NO question abt Mom liking Anthony, and Connie had a discussion w/Mom on just how much way back when Anthony had just gotten engaged w/Thérèse, Liz was living w/Eric, and Anthony took Liz 2 his father's NYE party. Mom's favourite phrase 4 @ least 8 yrs has been "I've always liked Anthony." So I dunno Y Connie was even bothering 2 say that.

But NEway, Mom affirmed, "I do!" Just like Liz and Anthony will when they get married. And Connie was all, "When is the big day?" Mom went, "That's the frustr8ing thing, Connie. They haven't decided. --It's not even being discussed!" Connie sed, "Hmmm... In our day, a rock on yr finger meant a d8 set in stone!" Oh, har-dee-har. "Rock" and "set in stone." Yeah, whatevs. But newsflash 2 Connie: This isn't a generational thing. It's a Liz/Anthony thing.

Apes

Now I'm Dad's "One 2 Go"?!?!

Do U ever get the distinct impression yr parents have been trying 2 get rid of U? I guess it shdn't B news 4 me, mine have had times when they even 4get they have a 3rd kid, and R all patting themselves on the back that "both" of their kids have reached adulthood and everything. (Tho there R ppl who argue on what kind of "adults" they R.)

So, Dad didn't get the news abt Liz an' Anthony's engagement until supper of that day those 2 came by and told Mom. I didn't eat w/them cuz Jeremy and I had already eaten our dinner @ the Garden of Eden restaurant. Mom and Dad were serving themselves from the stove, buffet style. Mom kinda told Dad in passing that Liz and Anthony had come by 2 announce their engagement. Then, as Mom was abt 2 sit w/her plate and Dad was standing @ the stove having loaded up his, Dad sed, "That's gr8 news, hon. --I think Elizabeth's made a wise choice." "Elizabeth's made a wise choice"? What R U talking abt, marriage or mutual funds?

Dad sat down, and he started 2 feed himself w/his eyes closed. He thinx that's more of a challenge than keeping his eyes open. Mom sed, "Married. Sigh. I'm afraid I'm going 2 cry @ the ceremony. I did @ Michael's wedding. I know it's just a tradition, a formality... the real moment of truth is when the actual decision is made. But... seeing yr children walk down the aisle and take those vows gives U an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment, doesn't it, John." That was a st8ment, not a question. And Y wd THAT give a parent a sense of pride and accomplishment? I mean, I can understand having that feeling at graduations and award ceremonies, but weddings? I can C b-ing emotional that yr kid has found a loving partner who wants to make a public declaration of commitment and all, but Y "pride and accomplishment"?

NEway, as I was walking by, blowing a bubble even tho my mouth had temporarily disappeared, and texting a message 2 Jeremy while I had headfones on, Dad's answer was, "Uh-huh..." And then with a cheekful of food, like sum friggin' hamster, he added, "...2 down and one 2 go." What the HECK? I haven't even turned SEVENTEEN yet and he's fantasizing abt marrying me off? Y? Does he figure he gets rid of the "burden" of having 2 provide 4 me NEmore? Gah.

Sorry I stopped commenting last nite. After being all mad @ my mom, like Jeremy described, I was reading Maus by Art Spiegelman and lost track of time.

Apes

Waiting

Michael has a most puzzling incident to report, between him and Mrs. Elly Patterson:

Aprilbot,

Robotic little sis. I know this may be a little personal to ask, but are you one of those robots equipped to reproduce?

The reason I ask, is because mom and I were talking about you and my mother said the oddest thing, “That Aprilbot is lucky she can’t have children. She can decide what and who she wants to be right now. No waiting.” I replied something about how a robot programmed to look and act like other people was not the best example for whatever point mom was making. Then mom said, “Now Michael. You got to decide what and who you wanted to be because you’re a man and you can’t possibly understand the woman’s perspective.” Then before I knew it, mom had whipped out one of those old photograph albums to illustrate her point.

In one picture, mom is leaning over a topless little Lizzie, lying on her back. Mom said, “Now when I was changing Lizzie’s diaper I was thinking, ‘There was a time when I couldn’t wait to get married.’” I said, “I get it. Lizzie’s lying on her back, half-naked, and looking up with her hand in her mouth, and that reminded you of times when you were the same way and realized you needed to be married.” Mom said, “Michael Patterson. No. No. I was never half-naked. Changing a diaper simply reminded me of wanting to get married.” I said, “Why wouldn’t it remind you of having kids?” Mom said, “Don’t be silly, Michael. Everyone knows it’s the same thing.” I said, “Except for Connie Poirier.” Mom said, “Right. Except for Connie.”

Then mom pointed to the next picture which showed her with a fully-dressed Elizabeth beckoning to me in the picture on what must have been one of those days when it felt like someone put my hair only on one side of my head. Mom said, “Now when I was holding Lizzie after her diapers were changed, I was thinking, ‘Then I couldn’t wait to have a house of my own. Then…for children,--I couldn’t wait!” I said, “Mom, what does having a house have to do with holding Lizzie?” Mom said, “Marriage. House. Kids. That’s the order.” I said, “But mom, you had me before you were living in a house. I thought you were in an apartment.” Mom said, “Don’t interrupt before I am finished.”

Mom said, “Now Michael. Look at this picture. I’m helping you put a shoe on. While I was doing that, I was thinking, ‘…Now that I have all the things I couldn’t wait for-& can decide what & who I want to be..’” I said, “You wanted to be a shoe salesperson?” Mom said, “No, Michael. These are thoughts which would run through my head as I performed these mindless child-raising tasks.” I said, “I suppose that’s why half the time you put my shoes on the wrong feet.” Mom said, “Michael. You are missing the point.” I said, “What is the point?’

Mom pointed to the final picture of her by herself without any kids around. Mom said, “When I was like this, I thought, ‘I’ve got to wait.’” I said, “What? Why?” Mom said, “When you are married, have children, and have a house; you have to wait to decide what & who you want to be.” I said, “I didn’t. Neither did Deanna.” Mom said, “That’s only because I sacrificed my own desire to decide what I want to be for you.” I said, “That explains me, but what about Deanna? I hope you’re not saying Mira Sobinski sacrificed anything for Deanna.”

Mom said, “You are missing the point. I had to wait because I had kids. If I didn’t have to wait I could have been just like the Aprilbot. I am going to talk to her instead of you.”

So, Aprilbot, you might want to say you are one of those robots which can reproduce, or else you are going to get to see some pictures and hear a lot of confusing talk.

Love,
Michael Patterson

That story is quite illogical. Human interactions are complicated. It was kind of you to issue that warning for me, Michael, but unfortunately I did not discover it until after Patterson, Elly asked me if it was possible for me to reproduce. I answered honestly, explaining that producing a bot that can reproduce is almost prohibitively expensive, and if the engineers at the Johnston Institute were to do so, this would mean funneling money away from necessities such as vacations for the entire staff, a steady supply of baked goods for "brainstorming" sessions, and re-education camps for disobedient teenagers.

So, after I revealed my inability to reproduce, Mrs. Patterson burst into tears and gave me a speech about how lucky I am. I didn't know what to do at first, but I remembered that I have a subroutine entitled "Patterson, Elly complains about parenthood." I ran it, and it caused me to say, "You sacrificed your own ambitions for your children. But you did a great job raising them and now you can take satisfaction in having led them to successful adulthood. And now you put the 'grand' in 'grandmother.'" Subroutine told me, "Do not mention that Patterson, April is still in the process of being raised. Patterson, Elly prefers to forget her existence." Mrs. Patterson threw her arms around me and said, "Aprilbot, you are so wise! I hope we can keep you!" I said, "Thank you, Mrs. Patterson. Your children are lucky to have you and someday they might express gratitude." Mrs. Patterson made a "pfffft" sound and said, "Maybe when they're 40!"

Aprilbot

Appreciation

Hello, April's readers! This is still Aprilbot. I have received an alarming report from the Johnston Institute For Better Living. It seems that April has escaped from the re-education camp that was being held in Cozumel, Mexico, and her whereabouts are currently unknown. Meanwhile, I will continue to substitute for her.

The story I am instructed to tell you today concerns Mrs. Patterson walking canines with Connie Poirier. Connie Poirier was walking the canine known as Sera, a Labrador retriever and mother to Edgar, the canine that Mrs. Patterson was walking. Point of information from my databases: Edgar is older now than when his father, Farley, died in 1995. And of course, his mother Sera is, as well. But I have heard Mrs. Patterson say, "No more dead dogs!" The canine named Dixie was excluded from this walk.

Ms. Poirier told Mrs. Patterson, "We've got to be more philosophical, El. We've earned our lines! Every crease, every wrinkle, we've earned--and we were great Moms, weren't we?!! Just think of the stuff we put up with! Think of the hard work it was! And now we're grandparents! We've given the best of our lives to our families. We paved the way for a healthy, bright new generation!" Mrs. Patterson said, "Yeah. I hope they *@--well appreciate it." This response caused Ms. Poirier to laugh.

My pun subprogram scanned Mrs. Patterson's line for a possible pun. "Appreciate" can suggest a sense of gratitude, but also can mean an increase in value, so that something could be sold for more than its original purchase price. However, the subprogram also tells me that this is unlikely to apply to the context given. It is likely, then, that Mrs. Patterson was not making a pun.

In case anyone is confused about Ms. Poirier being a grandmother, she did not mean that her son Lawrence has children. She is referring to her stepdaughters, Molly and Gayle. When Ms. Poirier first married Greg Thomas in the 1980s, Mr. Thomas's teenage daughters lived with them for a short time, before opting to move back in with their mother in Thunder Bay. Some mght argue that Ms. Poirier cannot rightfully claim that in the brief time she cared for her stepdaughters she "paved the way for a healthy, bright, new, generation." My programming is not sophisticated enough to reach a conclusion on this matter.

Aprilbot

Zzzzzz

Well, in case NE1 wondered what happed @ the TTH rite after our so-called Xmas dinner this past Sunday (I know U weren't), when Dad was pulling the car in2 the driveway, Mom was all, "Oh, What's-er'-name, er, April, all those dishes from the desserts have 2 B brot in and washed. I know U won't mind. We'll catch up w/U inside."

So, as I was taking the dishes in2 the kitchen 2 wash 'em, I cd hear Mom and Dad having a dull convo as they put away their coats. Dad was being all, "Well, that was wonderful! The tree, the gifts, the decorations and the dinner.... The whole family was there in the true spirit and joy of the season!" Yeah, nuthing sez "Yuletide" like sequestering the yungest members of yr fam in the kitchen and thinking evil thots while a well-meaning in-law sez grace. Mom sed, "Yes--I think that was one of the best Xmas evenings I've ever had!" Then, I had a hunch she was thot-bubbling, so I peeked out from the kitchen, and sure enuf she had a thot bubble, all "...It was @ sumbody ELSE'S house!!!" Mom looked disturbingly manly as she was thinking that.

So, let's C. U know what happed w/Mom an' Dad rite after the dinner, and U know abt Liz an' Anthony. I predict that there will B sum sharing 2morrow abt Mike and Dee's reaction 2 the dinner. Not mind, b-cuz I'm not considered important enuf. Oh, and Liz d-cided 2 write in sum more last nite w/sum bonus info 4 U interested readers:

April,

Okay, well, I promised to tell you more about what happened between me and Anthony, let's just say that he was very persistent, and I had to be very insistent about guarding my secondary virginity, well, finally, Anthony asked why I wouldn't let him "slip one past the goalie" (yes that's how he put it) and I explained to him it was a curse, if we did it before marriage, we would never walk down the aisle, well Anthony asked how far we were allowed to go, and I checked the handy little "Sexual Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, and it turns out that premarital fondling of certain body parts normally kept hidden by underpants is okay, as long as the room is totally dark and it's just the woman doing the man, after all, a good woman does not experience s-e-x type pleasure, she just does it for the babies, anyway, it was awful, by morning my palms were rubbed raw, and Anthony was passed out across the bed sideways with his man-thing hanging out, and Frenchy came wandering down the hall, yelling for her daddy, turns out we were so wrapped up in our whole negotiation thing that we left her in the car seat last night and she spent the night in the garage which is fortunately attached to the house but is still cold as a refrigerator, she seems okay, just a little blue-ishy, but that went away after I plunked her down next to a heating vent before I left to go to the drugstore to buy salve for my hands, April, when you turn 18, you would be smart to just marry Gerald right away, so you don't have to go through years of this kind of agony, it is almost like some ugly old woman is drawing my "story" out to torture me.

Liz

OMG, poor Francie! What agencies do we call 2 intervene w/the kind of neglect?!?!?!?!

And I dunno if Ger wd even B interested NEmore in marrying me when we turn 18. I heard a rumour that Becky dumped Dustin Jimberlake and started d8ing Ger, in spite of her dad's wishes.

Apes

Kiddie table

4 sum reason, my fam, the Sobinskis, and Anthony all agreed 2 have Xmas dinner yesterday an' pretend it was actually Xmas, as if sum 60-yo woman were telling the story abt our holiday meal and d-cided that the actual d8 was when she was dun talking abt or in the middle of when she was talking abt it, instead of the more logical when she starts talking abt it.

NEhoodles, as soon as I walked in I picked up Anthony's massive [fingerless] salad 2 put it on the dining-room table, and Dee, standing by the kiddie table in the kitchen, was all, "April, we have so many ppl here 2nite, I was hoping U wdn't mind sitting here @ the kitchen table w/the children." I was all, "Umm." Dee, taking the salad from me, sed, "I know U're not a kid! It's not a put-down. We just need a responsible person 2 supervise the little ones during dinner." I rolled my eyez while saying "Sigh." Not actually sighing, mind U, just saying "sigh." Over her shoulder, while carrying the salad away 2 the big-ppl's table, Dee was like, "U'll B away from the adults and adult conversation, I'm afraid. Do U mind?" I gave her a dead-eyed look an' sed, "I guess not." Then, after Dee had left the kitchen, sum1 in the next room was all, "YACK-YACK-YACK-GABBLE, YAP-YAK-GABBLE, YAP, YAK, YACK-YA, YAP, YACK, GAB," and insteada thinking "What the eff!" I thought, "Bonus!" While serving dinner 2 the littles, like I was their waitress.

Oh, and 4 sum reason, Robin @ age 3 yrs, almost two months, is so stunted he still needs a booster seat, which he was seated in @ the head of the table (being a male Patterson an' all), while Françoise, who is four months an' six days younger than Robin, is Merrie's size and was sitting next 2 Merrie. What the heck? And no, I M not accepting the theory that Francie's age is adjusted. She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

She will be three on March 7, 2008.

Sorry 4 all the repetition, I want 2 try 2 get the message out there 2 NE crazy 60-yo storytelling women out there who mite B trying 2 control our story arcs.

Apes

P.S. And don't worry, I will B billing Dee 4 my babysitting. As a holiday gift, I will waive my "short notice/no notice" surcharge.

4gotten again

Mom just got back from dropping off one of her nauseating casseroles @ Mike's house, cuz we'll B having our Tgiving dinner there l8r 2day. It turns out that Liz was also stopping by w/a salad.

Mom sez that shen she saw 3 foto albums on the table, 1 of them open, she actually thot, "!!" She put the casserole on the counter (Ooh, fresh--I am soooo not having NE, not that I wda NEway) and she sat down, starting 2 look thru. Mom was all, "I'm glad U have these albums out, Michael. I haven't looked @ them in ages!" I'll bet poor Merrie wishes she cd say the same, since she got 2 do little else all last month.

Mike sat down w/Mom, and of course found a picture of himself: "Here's me on my 4th birthday!" Then Liz lumbered over, unable 2 grasp the obvious without assistance, all, "Hey, R U 2 looking @ pictures?" They didn't answer her, but she sat down on the other side of Mom, who pted out a pic 2 Liz: "This is the day I brought U home from the hospital, Liz!" Which is kinda weird--usually that's "we brought U home from the hospital." What, did Dad make Mom take Liz home all by herself? Was he 2 bizzy cleaning teeth or dropping crowns on the floor or having coffee w/Dr. Ted?

But no1 bothered 2 ask those kinda questions, and Mom pted out a pic 2 Mike: "There U R w/yr teddy!" Oh, gah, do NOT get Mike started on that teddy!

Then Liz and Mike took turns pting out pix. Mike: "Here we are, playing in the sand box." Liz: "That's us w/Santa!" Which got from Mike an "Awww!!" Then Mom put an arm around each of them, all "Yes, U 2 were the cutest, most precious little kids on the planet!" Mom told me that a moment l8r, she was all thinking, "...And, I kept wishing U'd hurry and grow up!!"

I crossed my arms in front of my chest an' sed, "Hm, well it's a good thing U only had 2 kids, eh?" Mom, w/out thinking, sed, "Yeah, that was just rite." Then she noticed me lookin' @ her w/one of those slow-burn kind of expressions, and she was like, "Until I had U, of course! Then having 3 was just rite, and besides, it's been so long since Michael and Elizabeth have been out of the house, I think of U as a separate 'only' child."

I was like, "Nice try. Well, I'm gonna get my cookbooks so I can plan sum food I'd actually eat." And Mom was like, "Ungr8ful Martian!"

Oh, and Mike left his own take on what just happened:

Dear April,

Formerly little sis. Sometimes people on Sundays think differently than they do the rest of the week, as you should know by now. In fact I have often thought that when I enter a Sunday, the entire fabric of the space-time continuum shatters and history rewrites itself in a wholly, more colourful and delightful type of story. For example, if I only lived on Sundays, I might have the impression that I did not spend almost the entire month of September looking at mom’s old photo albums with my daughter, and I had just now brought out pictures the very first time for the occasion when mom decided to make a casserole and carry it in the dish all the way from her house to my house. It is as if there is a whole group of people out there who only see us on Sundays, who are simply unaware of my September activities, and this is the first time they have ever seen me with a photo album out for viewing.

You might also have the impression that I left one of the photo albums open for mom to see I had been looking at the old pictures of little me with a bib on, or little me being held by mom and dad as I wore a cute little devil’s outfit, or a lonely green silhouetted man in front of a yellow silhouetted building. Unfortunately, I fear what it means is that while I was used to looking at pictures from Monday to Saturday and taking Sunday off, I will now be looking at pictures 7 days a week.

Sure enough, as mom began to look at the photo albums, I felt myself irresistibly drawn to the kitchen, with my sleeves rolled up and ready to do some heavy photo-gazing. I leaned on the table to brace myself for the worst. As mom held open a page which featured Grandpa Jim fishing, a large seashell, and pictures of multi-coloured silhouetted people, mom said to me, “I’m glad you have these albums out, Michael. I haven’t looked at them for ages!” All those silhouettes. You know, formerly little sis, it wasn’t until I was at university and I met Josef Weeder, professional photographer and artiste, did I learn there are ways to set up your camera so you don’t get all those silhouettes.

I looked at upside-down pictures of me on my 4th birthday and said, “Here’s me on my 4th birthday!” The pictures showed me and 2 friends standing around a bright yellow cake. Mom rested her arm on the table and propped up her head as if to say, “If you start talking about yourself, Mike, I am going to take a nap.” Fortunately that was not necessary, because Liz showed up out of nowhere with a salad bowl full of what appeared to part of a shrubbery from outside. (Yes, I know, April. She claimed it was a salad and insisted we eat it.) She saw me and mom and said, “Hey, are you looking at pictures?” I had to restrain myself as best I could from taunting her with a phrase like “No, Liz. Live action movies. Or… No. Liz. These are postcards from places mom and dad visited without us.”

Liz sat down and decided at that moment to turn her face into a duplicate of mine, except with a bun, and the sight was so horrible my eyes disappeared. Consequently, mom concentrated her photograph-looking on that page involving Liz. There was a picture of mom holding Liz, a photo of Liz wearing a pink hood, mom’s bong, and of course, more silhouettes. Mom said, “This is the day I brought you home from the hospital, Liz!” The picture of mom carrying Liz and dad carrying the supply of baby bad breath scent removers is priceless.

Then mom turned to me and said, “There you are with your teddy!” Did you know my teddy was actually blue? I certainly didn’t. However there was picture after picture in the album of me holding that blue bear. I didn’t know there would be a theme to the way these pictures were gathered. That sent a little shiver down my spine for some reason.

Now it was Liz’s turn to rest her arm near her head as I pointed the left side of the albums towards her. I said, “Here we are, playing in the sand box.” Of course, as was typical during this time period of my life, it was really me pouring the contents of the sand box over Elizabeth.

Liz’s mind turned to gift-getting, as it often does with her. She found the Christmas picture section on the page right across from the section on visiting people in graveyards. Liz said, “That’s us with Santa!” It didn’t really look anything like that, but I went along with her by saying, “Awww!!”

Mom felt a sudden rush of emotion, said, “Yes, you two were the cutest, most precious little kids on the planet!” and we went in for the first group hug I can remember any Patterson family members doing for decades. Liz nuzzled her head against mom’s face (just like her cat would do, so you know where she learned that behaviour.) I put my arm around mom’s back, put on my best “bask in mom’s glory” face, and tried to ignore the fact I had just grown breasts. I really hate when that happens. I have never have a bra ready, and frankly the jealous looks from mom and Liz when they realize I have a bigger cup size than they do, are a little tough to take.

Mom later confessed to me what was running through her mind at that very moment. It was, “…and, I kept wishing you’d hurry and grow up!!!” Of course, it always helps to remember that mom has never really liked “cute, precious little kids.” It took Liz and me a long time to achieve mom’s desires for us to no longer be cute and precious. I think that I am still quite cute, but I must admit that when Liz started wearing her hair in a bun all the time, her cuteness quotient went way down into the homely schoolmarm levels and has never truly returned.

The only real question remains, formerly little sis, will Liz, mom and I be looking at photo albums again next Sunday?

Love,
Michael Patterson

Yeah, ITA abt "Sunday world." I'll Cya l8r 4 Tgiving dinner, Mike. And I dunno abt U and pix next Sunday. U can only hope not, eh? Of course, since Mom's been 4getting abt me again, I doubt I'll B called upon 4 fotos involving me NEtime soon.

Apes