April's Real Blog

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Michael has a most puzzling incident to report, between him and Mrs. Elly Patterson:

Robotic little sis. I know this may be a little personal to ask, but are you one of those robots equipped to reproduce?

The reason I ask, is because mom and I were talking about you and my mother said the oddest thing, “That Aprilbot is lucky she can’t have children. She can decide what and who she wants to be right now. No waiting.” I replied something about how a robot programmed to look and act like other people was not the best example for whatever point mom was making. Then mom said, “Now Michael. You got to decide what and who you wanted to be because you’re a man and you can’t possibly understand the woman’s perspective.” Then before I knew it, mom had whipped out one of those old photograph albums to illustrate her point.

In one picture, mom is leaning over a topless little Lizzie, lying on her back. Mom said, “Now when I was changing Lizzie’s diaper I was thinking, ‘There was a time when I couldn’t wait to get married.’” I said, “I get it. Lizzie’s lying on her back, half-naked, and looking up with her hand in her mouth, and that reminded you of times when you were the same way and realized you needed to be married.” Mom said, “Michael Patterson. No. No. I was never half-naked. Changing a diaper simply reminded me of wanting to get married.” I said, “Why wouldn’t it remind you of having kids?” Mom said, “Don’t be silly, Michael. Everyone knows it’s the same thing.” I said, “Except for Connie Poirier.” Mom said, “Right. Except for Connie.”

Then mom pointed to the next picture which showed her with a fully-dressed Elizabeth beckoning to me in the picture on what must have been one of those days when it felt like someone put my hair only on one side of my head. Mom said, “Now when I was holding Lizzie after her diapers were changed, I was thinking, ‘Then I couldn’t wait to have a house of my own. Then…for children,--I couldn’t wait!” I said, “Mom, what does having a house have to do with holding Lizzie?” Mom said, “Marriage. House. Kids. That’s the order.” I said, “But mom, you had me before you were living in a house. I thought you were in an apartment.” Mom said, “Don’t interrupt before I am finished.”

Mom said, “Now Michael. Look at this picture. I’m helping you put a shoe on. While I was doing that, I was thinking, ‘…Now that I have all the things I couldn’t wait for-& can decide what & who I want to be..’” I said, “You wanted to be a shoe salesperson?” Mom said, “No, Michael. These are thoughts which would run through my head as I performed these mindless child-raising tasks.” I said, “I suppose that’s why half the time you put my shoes on the wrong feet.” Mom said, “Michael. You are missing the point.” I said, “What is the point?’

Mom pointed to the final picture of her by herself without any kids around. Mom said, “When I was like this, I thought, ‘I’ve got to wait.’” I said, “What? Why?” Mom said, “When you are married, have children, and have a house; you have to wait to decide what & who you want to be.” I said, “I didn’t. Neither did Deanna.” Mom said, “That’s only because I sacrificed my own desire to decide what I want to be for you.” I said, “That explains me, but what about Deanna? I hope you’re not saying Mira Sobinski sacrificed anything for Deanna.”

Mom said, “You are missing the point. I had to wait because I had kids. If I didn’t have to wait I could have been just like the Aprilbot. I am going to talk to her instead of you.”

So, Aprilbot, you might want to say you are one of those robots which can reproduce, or else you are going to get to see some pictures and hear a lot of confusing talk.

Michael Patterson
That story is quite illogical. Human interactions are complicated. It was kind of you to issue that warning for me, Michael, but unfortunately I did not discover it until after Patterson, Elly asked me if it was possible for me to reproduce. I answered honestly, explaining that producing a bot that can reproduce is almost prohibitively expensive, and if the engineers at the Johnston Institute were to do so, this would mean funneling money away from necessities such as vacations for the entire staff, a steady supply of baked goods for "brainstorming" sessions, and re-education camps for disobedient teenagers.

So, after I revealed my inability to reproduce, Mrs. Patterson burst into tears and gave me a speech about how lucky I am. I didn't know what to do at first, but I remembered that I have a subroutine entitled "Patterson, Elly complains about parenthood." I ran it, and it caused me to say, "You sacrificed your own ambitions for your children. But you did a great job raising them and now you can take satisfaction in having led them to successful adulthood. And now you put the 'grand' in 'grandmother.'" Subroutine told me, "Do not mention that Patterson, April is still in the process of being raised. Patterson, Elly prefers to forget her existence." Mrs. Patterson threw her arms around me and said, "Aprilbot, you are so wise! I hope we can keep you!" I said, "Thank you, Mrs. Patterson. Your children are lucky to have you and someday they might express gratitude." Mrs. Patterson made a "pfffft" sound and said, "Maybe when they're 40!"


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  • At 6:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    m still on ship. have learned it is called 'the windbreaker.' ship cook discovered me and has forced me 2 b-come his assistant (in xxchange 4 his silence). uh-oh, am losing my sigggggggggg

  • At 8:45 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I hope the Johnston Institute remembered to program you with a pertinent fact that might explain why Patterson, Elly behaves in such a confusing fashion. If you have a "Elly believes she'll be dead or hopelessly senile shortly after turning sixty" subroutine, your ability to deal with her will be far easier. Simple arithmetic will tell you that in her mind, she will not live to see her children be grateful for her sacrifices.

  • At 12:54 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis and potential fellow writer. While you are on the Windbreaker ship, be sure to take notes on the shipboard life, and then I can use them to be a part of my next novel. If you what you find out is useful, then I might put a dedication in the book to you (below the one to mom, of course).

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    If you can read this, I have some bad news. I have called over to the Barbados Port Authority (BPA) and they have informed me that the Windbreaker is a strange ship. It waited to be on the ocean, it waited to have a cargo, and it waited to have a crew; but once it got all those things, the captain of the ship can decide what & who she wants the ship to be, but has to wait to make that decision until the crew has proved it can take care of itself. Stay safe. I am working to see if there is some other way to get you off that ship.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, if u get this i hope ur ok. howard sez he iz tryin’ 2 find u, so u can come home & i shudn’t worry cuz ur a patterson & nothin’ bad happs 2 pattersons. he sez prolly the ship’s captain will lose his ship in a nasty divorce & u’ll come home captain of a ship. sumtymez i think howeird is whacked.

    i’m w8in’ 4u2 come back. till then, i’ve been takin’ notes 4u in class. i hope u don’t get drowned or worse. come back, eh?

  • At 4:48 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I am so confused, Mom keeps calling me up leaving these messages about how maybe I can't wait for marriage, house, and children now, but when I get them, then I will have to wait to decide who and what I want to be, I called her back and tried to tell her, "Duh, I am a Patterson, I want to be a wife and a mother and give Anthony a home," but then Mom said something about, "No, what else do you want to be?" and I got confused and I was like, "What do you mean?" and Mom said something garbled up about a career, and I reminded her that I have a career, and cannot wait to get rid of it, and then there was a bunch of static on the line, and Mom said something like, "Remember who you are as an individual!" and then Mom said, "No! Get married and make babies already!" and it was like she was fighting with herself, and so I hung up on her and called Connie Poirier, I told her, "You have nothing better to do, being retired, so go over there and sort Mom out, she sounds like she has multiple personality disorder or something," and Connie said no, that she had been reminiscing and has been remembering her past self, back before she realized grandbabies were the most important thing in the world, of course, I slammed down the phone and started to cry, it is not my fault that Anthony won't propose, but you know, when he does, I know marriage, home, and children are the most important thing, everything else can just go in the garbage can.


  • At 5:55 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. I know just what you mean about confusion and careers and advice. I remember back in 2003, I had been working with Josef Weeder doing freelance work for Portrait Magazine (a fine magazine back then and not the putrefying piece of pestilence it is since I left there). Josef and I planned to go into business together, when my wife, the lovely Deanna, announced she was pregnant and that this meant Josef and I couldn’t go into business together. I had to work a regular 9-5 job and bring home regular 9-5 money.

    But then, having children changed all that. After years of working both freelance and my regular 9-5 job at Portrait Magazine, my wife started telling me that it was in my best interest to quit my 9-5 job and work the freelance work only, because she was making enough money as a pharmacist to pay most of the bills.

    Needless to say, this was quite confusing. Did my wife have a multiple personality disorder? First she says I can’t do freelance, because I need to pay the bills. Then she says I need to work only freelance, because I no longer need to pay the bills.

    Then I realized, much to my surprise, mom has the same problem with inconsistent messages. My wife’s personally is like my mom’s. I think there is some kind of psychology thing which says that is a great sign for a boy. It was a happy moment in my life. That means that after mom is dead and cremated in that thing she bought with dad, then my wife can take over mom’s job of giving inconsistent advice for the whole family, not just me. Deanna has already taken over the holiday dinners and the family house. Why not the advice too?

    So, Elizabeth, if you find mom’s advice confusing, you can just ask Deanna instead. Although, it seems to me, like you already have your priorities just right. Anthony is making enough money from working for Gordon Mayes, he should be fairly rolling in it; although you will need to tell everyone you’re barely making ends meet. I think you were blaming an enormous debt on Anthony’s Quebecoise ex-wife taking him for everything he had (aside from the house, the car, and the child). Stick with that story, and you will do well. Everyone knows the Quebecoise are greedy.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:32 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    No, Dee has got to wait until it is her turn to give irrational advice, it is Mom's turn now, hers and Connie Poirier's, they had to wait many years to be irrational advice givers, they had to wait many years to be officially recognized as the standard bearers in that area, besides, Dee clearly needs some more learning in that area, her advice kind of made sense since she got a raise between the time she told you to get a job and the time she told you to quit, remember what happened when Anne Nichols tried to jump ahead in line and become an irrational advice-giver many years ago, when she went on and on telling nonsense about health food when she was still a young mother, back then she looked irrational and we pointed and laughed, and then look what happened, it turned out she was right about health food and that organic stuff, no, Milborough will not stand for another mistake like that, Dee will have to wait her turn, anyway, that's what Mom said when I tattled on you to her.


  • At 9:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, all u need 2 know abt life on a ship is it suxx. i m so sick of peeling potatoes. how can ship peeps eat so many potatoes? oh, no, losing recepppppppp

  • At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    I do not understand why Caine, Anthony has not yet proposed to Patterson, Elizabeth Deborah! What is he waiting for? They are so perfect for one another!



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