NOT a flashback!
I realized that I left sum stuff I need @ home, so I went back early this morning. The bathroom door was cracked open, and I heard Mom's voice being all, "John, I'm really starting 2 look like my mother now, aren't I." As usual w/such things, this was not a question. It ended in a period. And "starting"? Where has she been? And I heard Dad's voice going, "Oh, no.... I'm not falling in2 that trap!!" And Mom's voice sed, "What trap?" Dad's voice came back w/"Elly, U look fine. U were a beautiful woman when I married U--and U're a beautiful woman now! Stop worrying abt the packaging and look @ the gift inside!" Thru the crack in the door, I noticed they were hugging.
A moment l8r, Dad sed, "Elly, U're a surprise package w8ing 2 B opened!" And Mom sed, "No, that's Shannon Lake." And Dad sed, "Oh, rite, U're a package I opened yrs ago. I guess U're a gift that keeps on giving." And Mom sed, "That'd B the 1."
Jeremy, we'll hafta keep brainstorming on names 4 me 2 change 2 after I escape Mboro. I'm def gonna leave town B4 I'm reddy 2 get married, so a name change will hafta happen B4 whenev that does!
Apes
A moment l8r, Dad sed, "Elly, U're a surprise package w8ing 2 B opened!" And Mom sed, "No, that's Shannon Lake." And Dad sed, "Oh, rite, U're a package I opened yrs ago. I guess U're a gift that keeps on giving." And Mom sed, "That'd B the 1."
Jeremy, we'll hafta keep brainstorming on names 4 me 2 change 2 after I escape Mboro. I'm def gonna leave town B4 I'm reddy 2 get married, so a name change will hafta happen B4 whenev that does!
Apes
Labels: Dad, Mom, Shannon, trying to be wise
posted by April Patterson @ 6:23 AM
14 Comments:
At 6:39 AM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
Man, oh, man, your dad is good at faking sincerity. Also at knowing what your mom wants to hear. She doesn't wanna be told that she's average. That'd make her feel good about herself. Can't have that. Gotta tell her she's pretty on the inside so she can whine about being ugly on the outside.
At 8:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, how 'bout this? we cud b "smith & jones". i wud b the jones one.
At 9:23 AM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, i guess my 'rents kinda deserve ea other, eh?
jeremy--smith and jones. i kinda like that. do u think i shd change my 1st name 2? or just b april smith?
apes
At 9:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i like the name april, but u cud alwayz add xxtra letters & stuff if u wunt; but there's a chance sum1 mite figger it out frum that. u cud go 4 sum xxotic french name & that wud confuze every1. like mebbe océane or véronique
At 11:15 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I had such high hopes when I heard you were back to dating Gerald and that he was doing the Ass Hoist of Love on you, I was sure you had seen the error of your ways and decided to settle down with your childhood sweetheart in Milborough as soon as is legally allowed, but then here you are talking about running away and changing your name, and I just want to tell you, you are going to make the same mistakes I did, dating an unsuitable person and trying to have adventures, do you really want to end up like me, with a bratty future stepchild of questionable ethnic background and not married at (whatever age I am, I thought 27, but maybe 26, or possibly even 29 or so, now that Mike is having rememberies of me being around in 1979, or something, I even got a pamphlet from the Johnston Institute the other day entitled, "Calculating Elizabeth Patterson's Age: The New Math," and the answer was "it depends"), but no matter what, being 26-29 is a bad age to be single and babyless, you will be so sad, I don't want that for you, what I have gone through, with how I am sort of living with Anthony now, but not official like, so I have to keep my own apartment, and also do all the housework at his place too, and spend hundreds of dollars on hand salve, and take care of his brat, and still not have a wedding ring, it is a terrible punishment for a life misspended, don't be like me April!, plus, these days, when I look in the mirror, I see that all my torment is making me look more and more like Mom, and when I asked Anthony what he thought, he said, "Yeah, and you're looking a little rotund too!", see what happens, you see?!?
Liz
At 12:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. The same thing that happened to dad today happened to me. I came into the washroom and there was my lovely Deanna looking in the mirror and she said, “Michael, I’m really starting to look like my mother now, aren’t I.” I was about to say, “There is no way on earth you could ever get to be that ugly”, but then my wife turned around and she had a face full of that green face masque, which makes ladies look little like the Frankenstein monster. After seeing that I said, “Even with that nasty green stuff on you face, which makes you look like a horror monster, you are better-looking than your mother.” Deanna liked that answer.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
but liz, don't u think it's poss 2 have a diff life? like mayB yr whole mistake wasn't leaving mboro, mayB it was coming back. mayB one of thoze relationships u had away fr mboro wd have worked out if u hadn't come back here. u were alwayz coming back here even when u were supposedly living on yr own. mayB if u'd really embraced yr non-mboro life, u cda been happy. mayB u wdn't hafta 2 b jerked around the way anthony is jerking u around now!
mike, i think mom gave deanna that face goop.
apes
At 2:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are so young and misguided, I called the Johnston Institute and the Milborough Bureau of Shameless Self-Promotion and told them what you said, they assured me they would get right on it, so expect some educational materials, also, the Johnston Institute told me about this great "re-education camp" you can go to, it sounds like so much fun!, plus they are going to send Gerald over to do more ass-hoists on you, so you will put your mind back on your Milborough true love, during lunch I ran an errand and happened to see Gerald practicing his hoists on a 200 pound sandbag in his parents' front yard, it was funny, the sandbag was wearing a slutty red dress and had a mophead on top, he had dipped it in the mud to make it look like your hair, he looked really enthusiastic, plus there is talk about starting a "Milborough University and Vet School" in that strip mall that got condemned last year on Spender Boulevard, and giving you a full scholarship, the guy who called me from the town council said something about how if you never get a taste of the outside world, maybe that will save you, I told him I wholeheartedly agreed, it was going away to Nipissing University that put stupid ideas about freedom and travel in my head, so I would keep an eye out if I were you April, some exciting things are about to happen in your life!, you don't have to thank me, I'm just being a good big sis as always.
Liz
At 5:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, liz, u r horrible! y did u hafta rat me out 2 the johnston inst--
who r thoze ppl in the weird coa.........
At 5:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
OMG, did something happen to April?
BTW, she only looks like she has "mud hair" when thoze weird colourists from that thing called the "syndicate" find B/W pics of April and fill them in w/colours.
Eva Abuya
At 7:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
Eva,
Calm down, I'm sure those were just the drivers from the Johnston Institute coming to give her a ride over to Gerald's so he could Ass Hoist her, they are so thoughtful that way, unless of course the Re-Education Camp meets this weekend, I understand it is a weekend program.
Liz
At 9:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello. I am the Aprilbot. The Johnston Institute has created me and sent me to Milborough to be April's substitute while she is in a special programme they have planned for her this weekend. I have been designed to fulfill all of April's normal "weekend" functions while she is gone, so that no one will miss her.
Aprilbot
A JIFBL Production
At 9:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Aprilbot,
You are so cute!, want to go shopping for bridesmaid dresses with me this weekend?, I am trying to be prepared for when I FINALLY get engaged, I am thinking something in like tangerine, tea length, with poofy sleeves and a giant butt-bow, and maybe a floppy hat to go with it, or maybe a headband with another big bow on it, what do you think?
Liz (April's big sister)
At 12:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i thot we were doin' gr8. i can't b-lieve u came ovah & broke up w/me. @least i think thass wut "jibl code #47-2 subsection 3 st8s no patterson may knowingly d8 a villain. our relationship iz termin8ed." means. my mom thinks u sounded just like ur mom duz wen she iz sellin' pastries @the community theatre fundraising bake sale. &thass not a compliment.
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