April's Real Blog

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Mom was old even she she was young

So that convo Mom and Connie were having abt aging, when Connie visited on New Year's Day? Unfortch it turned out 2 B a lead-in 2 more gratuitous reminiscing. Believe me, I am NOT happy abt this. I barely lived thru the tedium from the last, seemingly endless round of it. Considering how theze things have gone B4, I doubt we will come back up 4 air until around Valentine's Day. Hm, Liz, do U think Anthony mite B saving NEthing interesting 2 do on V-day?

So NEway. After the "Photoshop" line I told U abt yesterday? Mom sez, "Come 2 think of it, I can hardly remember a moment of my adult life where I wasn't worried abt aging. From the moment I turned 30, I guess, which now I realize is quite young. For instance, I remember this time @ Philpott's dept store. Oh, yes, I remember it like it was yesterday." I peeked in2 the kitchen and saw that she rubbed her chin, staired off into space, B-came blurry 4 a brief sec, and suddenly she had a sequence of thought bubbles showing pictures that had thought bubbles of their own and speech bubbles, 2. Well, U know the drill by now.

First thought bubble showed Mom carrying baby-Liz while looking @ a cosmetics display that had a sign saying "New Cosmetic Discoveries: Fountain of Youth" as Mom read a label on one of the skin-creme and thought-bubbled, "Scientifically blended emollients penetr8 dry skin lines... 2 lift and separ8--" ["Lift and separ8?" That's 4 BRAS, not skin cream!] So, next thot bubble, Mom was carrying the jar and continuing 2 read, "When those tell-tale creases begin 2 show --Fountain of Youth is guaranteed" 3rd had Mom taking the jar 2 the register while reading more from the world's most texty cosmetics label: "The miracle discovery for aging skin... No one will guess U R over 30!" 4th and final thot bubble had Mom telling the salesperson, "I'm buying this 4 a friend." Oh, whatevs. I h8 these flashbacks.


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  • At 9:47 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    The joke is on your Mom because the clerk didn't care what she was buying until she pulled that I'm buying it for a friend stunt. That sort of failed attempt at buying something discreetly always leads to the teller asking how much something costs over the P.A. on every sitcom I've ever watched so it's amazing that someone who grew up in front of the tube didn't see it coming.

  • At 12:00 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Since you are in the height of your Patterson pulchritude, I can quite understand how you might think that "Lift and separate” means brassieres and not skin cream. Without going into too much detail about our mother and her appearance, let me just say that for mom, it means skin cream. I suppose you can sneak in mom’s room while she is getting ready in the morning or accidentally walk in one time (as I did), if you wish more conclusive proof. However, let me assure you, that there is a price to pay for that proof. A terrible price. A terrifyingly, terrible price.

    Just to let you know, when people say that sometimes they need to bleach their brain, you can’t really do that.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:12 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it’s kinda rare 2 say this, but ur mom is rite when she wuz sayin’ she wuz buyin’ that stuff 4 a friend. salespeeps in mboro r kinda tuff.

    u know that jewelry i got u 4 xmas where it sez “april & jeremy” on the engravin’? well, i haven’t told u this b4, but wen i asked 4 that, the salesclerk sed, “who’s this 4?” & i sed, “it’s 4 april patterson”. & then the salesclerk sed, “ur wastin’ ur tyme. she’z gonna marry gerald delaney-forsythe. every1 knowz that.” & i sed, “i still wunt that engraved” & then the salesclerk called ovah all the othah salesclerks & she told them who the jewelry wuz 4 & they sed, “u idiot! april’z not gonna end up w/u. u know every new years’ eve she’z gonna b in gerald delaney-forsythe’s arms, just like her sis wuz in anthony caine’s arms every new years.” i sed, “not every new years.” but the salesclerks laffed & laffed 4 awhile ‘till 1 of them started 2 get a little sick frum laffin’ so much, & then they were like, “c wut u did. now she’z sick. y didn’t u just say u were gettin’ this jewelry 4 a friend? thass how we do it in mboro.” i sed i wuz sorry & finally they stopped laffin’ long enuff 2 take my order 4 the engravin’.

    i can tell u now, that wen i picked up the jewelry aftah it had been engraved & the salesclerk sed, “who’s this jewelry 4?” , i sed, “4 a friend.” thass a good lesson ur mom iz tryin’ 2 teach u 4 shoppin’ in mboro.

  • At 1:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    "price check on fountain of youth creme!" yeah, that probably happened, lol.

    mike, thanx 4 the tip. i usually avoid mom when she is getting ready 4 her day cuz of all the sobbing and groaning.

    jeremy, u have reminded me of another reason i'm anxious 2 move outta mboro as soon as i have a chance. all these ppl think they know everything abt my future! by ne chance r u interested in applying 2 the same universities that i do? r u interested in going in2 an engineering programme that wd help u b a professional sound man sumday?


  • At 1:40 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m like, all, i don’t know, did u rilly ask me 2 go 2 the same uni w/u?

    i don’t want go 2 much n2 like how ur bro or ur sis r (cuz ur not like them), but there’s sum peeps who wud say thass like a rilly big question 4 sum1 frum ur fam 2 ask. & u know, i’m tryin’ hard not 2 think of it like it’s a rilly big question, cuz ur not like ur bro or ur sis, but there’s a part of me that kinda hopes it is a rilly big question, cuz i rilly like u & stuff.

    i’ll try 2 answer it like it isn’t a rilly big question, cuz thass prolly not wut u meant. neway, i have thot ‘bout goin’ 2 uni b4, & i don’t c nethin’ wrong w/applyin’ 2 the same places ur applyin’ especially since u mentioned it. it wud b gr8 2 have sum1 @uni i alreddy knew. the only prob i can c is that my grades r not az good az urs, & i kinda have this feelin’ like i mite not b able 2 get n2 the same place u can. & i know, frum wen we talked ‘bout u goin’ 2 uni b4, there’s like only 1 vet skool in all ontario @the university of guelph, so thass prolly the place u wud need 2 go. & i am kinda embarrassed 2 mention this, but wen u told me that i kinda checked if guelph has an engineering degree 4 sound (it duz), but i wuzn’t gonna say nethin’ ‘bout it, just in case i didn’t get in. i know ur gonna get in, cuz ur so smart & ur fam nevah seemz 2 have probs w/things like that. i know ur diff frum ur bro & ur sis, but i just have this feelin’ like ur not gonna have ne prob gettin’ in ne skool u want.

  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mayB if u do really well 4 the rest of hs, and good letters of rec, that cd help u get in2 that proggy @ uguelph, eh?

    sorry if i kinda freaked u out w/my question. i didn't wanna freak u out!


  • At 8:15 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, sorry i kinda freaked out frum ur question. i think it's just cuz ur bro & ur sis have a lotta history w/their uni friends. like ur sis' friend candace wuz a villain like me & now she'z like ur sis' best friend. but i unnerstand ur diff frum ur bro & ur sis & there will prolly b loads of peeps u meet in uni that u will nevah talk 2 again after uni. thass wut i told my mom wen i mentioned guelph 2 her. mom sorta unnerstands ur not the same as ur bro or sis, but she did say if ur sis had sed that 2 me, it wud b almost like a marriage proposal. so while we're watchin' the flyers take on the leafs 2nite, if she sez nethin' thass wut it's 'bout.

    i don't think it wud b2 hard 2 get sum good letters of rec 4 guelph, cuz i do still know lotsa peeps frum the tyme i spent w/my dad. &wen it comez 2 the musick biz, peeps have a tendency 2 kinda overlook the years an artist wuz in rehab or knockin' up groupiez, if they still play their musick on an oldies station. so i can prolly write sumthin' & get 1 of thoze old musick peeps 2 sign it. that shudn't b a prob.

    the part thass gonna b hard is the gradez & stuff. but, i've been doin' better w/that since i study w/u, so mebbe i can make it n2 guelph & we can b @the same skool. oh, & my mom wunts me 2 tell u that ur not gonna hafta support me in uni, in case it comes up w/ur mom.

  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, i m @ jeremy's house. his mom is being xxtra nice 2 me, but also kinda strange. like she sez things like "april, if u marry jeremy, i hope yr family doesn't decide that jeremy's step-father and i r 'evil in-laws.' b-cuz we r not evil. we r quite nice." stuff like that.


  • At 12:28 AM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    I'm really sorry about what happened when you and Duncan were over to watch DVDs. I've been sorting everything out with the rental place. I left my dvds at my room at school, and, well, we know what happened there. I went to the video place near my parents' house and picked up what I thought was the same film. It turned out that that video store was one of the targets of "Canadians for Boring other Canadians" (or CBC). They substituted stuff for everything in the shop. I really want to apologize for you and Duncan having to sit through "The Exciting Struggle to Construct the St. Laurence Seaway". You were a really good sport for staying awake for it.



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