April's Real Blog

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Liz gives Ant a hoooooooooooooooooooooooome

Liz has sumthing 2 share abt the car ride after our "Xmas" dinner this past Sunday:

Well after we left and got in the car after dinner Anthony drove me to my apartment and we were quiet the whole way with nothing to talk about as usual until we got to my apartment, at which point Anthony said, "Here's your apartment," which was good, because sometimes I don't recognize it, and then he so thoughtfully asked me if I had my keys, because I tend to lose them a lot, which is why Ugly Brother gave me Super Glue for Christmas, he keeps saying I should glue the keys to my hand, ha ha!, anyway, then I said, "Yes," because I did have my keys, I came up with a non-glue solution, I keep my key on a chain around my neck, like the latchkey kids in Mtigwaki do, anyway, I said, "I'm glad you liked my family," and Anthony said, "I've always liked your family, Liz," which confused me, until I remembered that oh yeah, we dated for like a million years, so Anthony met them a bunch of times before, gosh, I can be so dumb sometimes!, I also thought Anthony must be confused, because he called me "Liz," and I know he got that memo, anyway, before I could correct him, he said something about how Francie got along great with Robin and Merrie, which he seemed to think was a good thing, which confused me, because who cares if Francie gets along with them?, it's not important, but Anthony was talking about my family getting along with what is technically sort of his family, and I figured that was a good sign, so I said it was a blessing, or whatever, some nonsense stuff like Mom told me to talk whenever I don't understand what's going on, anyhow, it worked, Anthony touched me (appropriate like on the shoulder and arm) and said I was a blessing in his life, he said it like two times, and I almost said "I'm not deaf" but then I decided maybe he was just trying to say I'm like a super blessing, anyway, I tried to look demure, but then Anthony backed off, so I gave him a chaste hug to get him thinking of romancy stuff again, and he started talking about how we had some "intense relationships" and "great adventures" and that confused me, I was wondering what great adventures he thought he had, I mean, all he did was hang out in Milborough and marry Therese, it's not like he went up north and became totally Native like me and got a spirit name, I was about to complain about that, but then Anthony said something about wondering where life would take us next, and I was like, Duh, we're supposed to get married and have babies and live in Milborough forever and ever! but I didn't say that, I decided to give him a vague hint like a proper Patterson lady does, I said, "Let's go home, Anthony," because if we were sharing a home, we would obviously be married, and this was supposed to be a hint that he should marry me and make us a home, but instead Anthony thought it was permission for a booty call, and he said, "Yes, let's go home," and started up the car and drove us back to his house!!!, I was freaking out, as you know, if a Patterson or Richards woman Does It with a man, her special allure goes away and they never marry you, that happened with me and Eric and I am not letting it happen again!!!, I was totally freaking out the whole time we were driving back to his place, about how to keep Anthony from doing the sexy stuff with me, I remembered how Mom says it's best to wear ugly flannel nightgowns, and face cream at night, and complain about headaches or hot flashes or worries about the children or a malfunctioning sphincter, and scratch your ass a lot, and that keeps away the s-e-x, but I didn't know what to do, and Anthony's manly passions were so inflamed, he kept revving the engine on his station wagon and roaring, "I'm taking you HOOOOOOOME, baby!", and then Frenchy would wake up and whine and say stuff like, "Papa, could you please keep the decibel level below 100 when I am trying to enter REM sleep?" and Anthony would say, "Oh, I'm sorry Francie, Daddy just got his foot stuck under the accelerator and a few toes were amputated, I'm just bleeding to death up here, no worries, ha ha!" and then Frenchy would freak out like the little jerk she is and scream herself silly, until she fell back to sleep, and Anthony would gun the engine again and shout something like, "Papa's getting LAAAAAIIID!!!" and then Frenchy would wake up again and scream, and on and on it went.

More about what happened tomorrow, it was like a nightmare, so I can't tell all the details now, I need to get a decent night's sleep before I am strong enough to tell you, don't worry, I will leave out some details, if I tell you the true nature of manly passions April I am afraid you will decide once and for all never to get married, and Mom made me promise not to scar you like that, she is so sure you are going to turn out to be one of those dried-up career women who doesn't realize marriage, babies, and Milborough are the keys to happiness in life, all I can say is, they better be, what I have gone through was not pretty, but my allure is at least intact it seems.

Hm, well, the beauty part is that Mom has two daughters (tho she has a habit of 4getting I xxist). If one of thoze daughters duz all the stuff Mom thinks a Milborough woman is supposta do, then mayB she'll not care so much if/when I decide 2 do thingz a diff way.

And poor Francie, again. Remember foax, Paypal. Therapy fund.


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  • At 7:21 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    You just watch. We'll flashback to a quickie wedding that they're hiding from your parents. Silly, silly people. Even if your parents cared, they wouldn't do anything. Doing stuff is what evil people like Mira do. It, as the Johnston Institute for Bwttwer Living tells us, is much better to stand around, moan and do nothing.

  • At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Terrific, April! You are a master in the art of snarking!

    Why not collaborate with Howard on an original story -- and then publish. You both have the creativity and the skill to do it.

    Anon NYC

  • At 7:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, i doubt liz wd hide her wedding from mom and dad. she and mom have had a wedding "wish" book 4 ages.

    anon nyc, that's v. nice of you. i'll ask howard abt yr story idea when i c him. i think he and beatrice and the girls went 2 argentina 2 visit w/sum of bea's fam members.


  • At 12:35 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Okay, well, I promised to tell you more about what happened between me and Anthony, let's just say that he was very persistent, and I had to be very insistent about guarding my secondary virginity, well, finally, Anthony asked why I wouldn't let him "slip one past the goalie" (yes that's how he put it) and I explained to him it was a curse, if we did it before marriage, we would never walk down the aisle, well Anthony asked how far we were allowed to go, and I checked the handy little "Sexual Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, and it turns out that premarital fondling of certain body parts normally kept hidden by underpants is okay, as long as the room is totally dark and it's just the woman doing the man, after all, a good woman does not experience s-e-x type pleasure, she just does it for the babies, anyway, it was awful, by morning my palms were rubbed raw, and Anthony was passed out across the bed sideways with his man-thing hanging out, and Frenchy came wandering down the hall, yelling for her daddy, turns out we were so wrapped up in our whole negotiation thing that we left her in the car seat last night and she spent the night in the garage which is fortunately attached to the house but is still cold as a refrigerator, she seems okay, just a little blue-ishy, but that went away after I plunked her down next to a heating vent before I left to go to the drugstore to buy salve for my hands, April, when you turn 18, you would be smart to just marry Gerald right away, so you don't have to go through years of this kind of agony, it is almost like some ugly old woman is drawing my "story" out to torture me.



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