April's Real Blog

Thursday, December 20, 2007


Iris sent me an email:
April, dear, I noticed that you have been writing about the preparations your mother and sister-in-law have done in advance of the Christmas dinner we will be having at, as you quaintly call it, the "Pattermanse." I thought that maybe your readers might want to hear what your Grandpa Jim and I have been doing in anticipation of that dinner.

As your gramps was settling into his wheelchair, I told him, "We're going to have a lovely time, dear. We haven't been over to see your family in a long time!" I had set my bottles of wine on the kitchen counter to ensure that I not forget them. It's so easy to forget things these days, with all the things I need to keep track of while caring for your gramps. Not that I'm complaining, oh, no! It's the toughest job I've ever loved!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Once Jim was settled into his chair, I crouched in front of him (I can do that thanks to the "gentle yoga for seniors" I've been taking), and I told him, "Oh, I know the little ones get on your nerves sometimes, but you enjoy seeing Liz and Michael--and April will bring her guitar..." Then, I put on my coat, and as I got your grandpa's coat off of the hook, I said, "We'll have a fine dinner, open a few gifts--and it will be a merry, merry Christmas." And then I had the spookiest feeling that Jim was thinking, "Yes... I remember being merry."

Then I got his coat onto him, got him into the elevator and out to the loading area of our building, where the vans pick us up when we need to go somewhere. Then I said, "That was great, Jim! We beat our last time by 30 seconds! We'll do great once it's time to go to that dinner! Wonderful practice drill!" Then I took him back to the apartment. I can hardly wait to see you at the Christmas dinner, April. I'm so excited, I've taken Jim through this drill 17 times!

Best wishes,

Thanx 4 writing in, Iris! I'm glad U R looking 4ward 2 the dinner. I M gonna make sure there R foods that won't kill U w/all their sat fat and sodium!


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  • At 9:11 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Not that she'd appreciate eating healthy foods, of course. This is a woman who thinks that safety precautions are well-meaning but basically useless suggestions. Odds are, she wanted your mom's Tuna Casserole of Death.

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, gd pt, dc2. i 4get this stuff sumtimes.


  • At 10:45 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I told my lovely wife Deanna about how Iris reported that Grandpa Jim thought he used to be merry. Deanna said, “He used to be our daughter? How odd.” I said, “It’s spelled m-e-r-r-y not m-e-r-r-i-e. I think she means the word ‘merry’ and not our daughter.” Deanna said, “You can never tell with reading thought balloons. My great grandfather Sobinski.” I interrupted, “You mean the one who came over from the old country to Canada?” Deanna said, “I suppose it all depends on whether or not you believe my mom was a 1st generation or 3rd generation immigrant to Canadian. Anyway, my great grandfather Sobinski used to love to play dolls with me and my sister Andrea when we were little girls and sometimes he would call himself by a little girl name too. He was Trixie. Maybe your Grandpa Jim is the same way and wants to play dolls with the kids.” I said, “No. April said Iris said that the children get on his nerves.” Deanna said, “That’s just Iris. She’s stopped taking her happy pills. She hasn’t been by the pharmacy for a refill in awhile. That reminds me, I need to take mine before your family gets here.”

    So, just like my wife asked, I told my kids to be sure and play with Grandpa Jim when he comes for Christmas dinner. I saw my kids get out their Super Teddy and practice their throws. I know Grandpa Jim is going to have a great time as “Merry.” I wonder if I have enough time to get to the store and buy him a Super Teddy of his own.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:52 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i usedta b germy, wormy. u know wen gerald started singin’ that song & u sed, “he’s not germy, wormy” nemore & then u did kiss #92 w/me, i think it wuz 1 of the gr8est moments of my life. ‘course the best part wuz wen the principal caught us & wen i sed my hands were tangled in ur hair clip, they actually were tangled in ur hair clip. i didn’t think she wuz gonna believe us, but the principal wuz a lot more sympathetic wen she saw the blood. how do u get those clips in ur hair? sum kinda vice or pliers? i can kinda see y ur hair is alwayz up w/thoze things holdin’ ur hair. it wud b hard 2 take them down w/o sum kinda mechanical aid. neway, my hand still kinda hurts, but it wuz all worth it 2c gerald’s face aftah u told him i wuzn’t germy or wormy nemore.

  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry abt the hairclip, jeremy. it's actually a magical hairclip that leaps in2 my hair of its own volition. i'd take it out if i cd.

    and i v. much enjoyed #92!


  • At 12:52 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I used to speak without ellipses and my bangs used to not be cut back to my hairline and I used to have an an assistant named Pat. I miss having an assistant. I miss my bangs. I wish I could miss my ellipses. At least I don’t write with ellipses. It’s almost the same.

    I haven’t seen you much this year. I guess you don’t need to be comforted any more. When I ask about you, people say almost every time they see you, you are eating something. Maybe you need to be comforted. Let me know.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 12:54 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. I used to be a refugee from Mexico to Canada. I don’t miss it. Now I worry about getting good marks in school. I am going to university next year. Those university chicas are going to learn just how much loving a Latino can give. If you would like to feel like you are a university girl, Luis can fit you in.

    Call me,
    Luis Guzmán

  • At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Jean Baker said…


    I used to be a circus performer and my father was a circus veterinarian. Then I used to live with my grandmother in Milborough. I used to be a Candy Striper when I was 16 and met my husband when he wolf-whistled at me from a construction site. I used to…who wrote this junk? Circus veterinarian? Picked up by a teenaged construction worker wolf-whistling at a candy striping 16-year-old girl? This sounds like something written by an old veterinarian who like bodice rippers and circus music.

    Sorry, April. Tell your mother I am not reading this script anymore.


  • At 1:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jean, i don't blame u! bleah!

    shannon, it makes me sad that u think yr only role is 2 comfort me. and whatevs on ppl saying they only c me eating. i guess they c me during lunch in the caf.

    i useta visit my gramps a lot, but i don't know y i don't nemore.


  • At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Eva said…

    Are you a refugee, Luis? I know you brught it up that one time, but then, weirdly, you didn't elaborate. I just assumed that, being Latino, you knew about everything that has ever affected any Latino person ever, so you had a well-formed opinion on refugees.

  • At 3:29 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    I used to be a refugee, Chica. Just like you used to live in a war zone and your house was gone and all you had left was your family. We all have a past, Chica. We are lucky we are not where we used to be.

    Luis Guzmán


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