April's Real Blog

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Awkward

Liz has sum more 2 share abt her taking-Francie-2-Santa d8 w/Anthony:
Okay, more about me!, well, we went into the mall and I immediately got all distracted by the lights and the music, that happens to me a lot, my principal thinks maybe I should get on some kind of medication for ADD or something, it's so hard to pay attention, anyway, after awhile I paid attention to Anthony and Frenchy again, and I realized we had switched to having Frenchy walk between me and Anthony, which is a good pose for Polite Dating but not so good when you are trying to get engaged, anyway, to make Anthony think about me, I asked him what he was thinking about, he said, "How much I like this time of year," and then he asked me what I was thinking about, and I stupidly told the truth, and then I realized how dumb I am, I admitted I can't pay attention and also I should of lied and said I was thinking about how husbandly he is or something, to give a hint, gah, I suck at proposal-getting!, god why are we so lame we can't even have a normal conversation, but have to try to fill awkward silences, I mean that's fine and all, I think the best marriages are where the couple is bored with each other, look at Mom and Dad, well while I was mentally bashing myself Anthony asked Frenchy what she was thinking about, the little brat said that everything smelled like "Legs," which I thought was disgusting, a little girl should not be talking about obscene body parts let alone how they smell, I mean really, a good Patterson woman keeps her legs covered at all times unless she is going to a party where she might be able to catch a husband, so of course I never think about how such a sexy type body part might smell, disgusting, I wanted to ask Anthony if he ever tried to teach Frenchy any sense of proper behavior but he just seemed totally stunned by his daughter's filthy talk so I decided to give him a break this time, he is such a wonderful father otherwise, and besides I am sure it is all Therese's fault, remember, her mother is a whore, but anyway, while Anthony looked shocked I tried to think of how to make Anthony go into the jewelry shop and buy me a big old diamond engagement ring, it's just not coming to me though, then I thought maybe I could get the mall Santa to order Anthony to propose, but I didn't have any blackmail material on the mall Santa, so I didn't know what to do on that front, so instead I thought some more about boarding schools, it's very soothing.

Liz
Liz, doesn't it make U sad 2 think abt yrs an' yrs of trying 2 fill the awkward silences? Or do U just fig that after yr wedding, U wd quit trying an' just spend most of yr time ignoring each other, while Anthony played Astronomy Club and U did, I dunno, whatever it is U do, just like satisfied that yr left ring finger isn't naked NEmore?

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:22 AM  

11 Comments:

  • At 9:32 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    My goodness! If Liz were any more two-dimensional, she'd disappear if she turned sideways. I she thinks being Mrs. Nostache is going to make her life instantly better, she should check with people who thought that way and found out different the hard way: your mom, your dad, your borther, your SIL, and so on and so forth. Not that it'd do a blasted bit of good, mind you. She's got her cap set on enduring a major-league disappointment and nothing can deflect her from her noble goal of irretrievably screwing her life up.

     

  • At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I feel sorry for people who don't realize how important it is to get married, it is not only a requirement to be socially acceptable but also remember it is impossible to be happy without it, just look at how happy Mom and Dad are, and how relaxed they are with each other, they know that they can be themselves with each other, for example Dad can say sexist stuff and Mom can lose her temper and hit him with objects, and they will still always love each other, and look at Mike and Dee, Mike can ignore his wife and spend all his time writing no matter how much his wife begs him not to, and Dee can support the family and do all the housework too and act all manly-like by turning Mike into a kept woman or something, and still they accept each other, it's so beautiful.

    Liz

     

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mom an' dad happy? sumtymez i think u confuse "happy" and "dead on the inside," liz.

    apes

     

  • At 2:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I don't know what you mean, if you look in the Johnston's Old Canadian-English Dictionary, you will see this is the definition of "happy":

    Pronunciation: \ˈha-pē\
    Function: adjective
    Etymology: Middle English, from hap
    Date: 14th century

    1: favored by luck or fortune
    2: the state of being married, regardless of the circumstances or characteristics of your marriage partner

    See?

    Liz

     

  • At 2:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, yeeuck! thass the last tyme i evah wanna do that in a class, where every1 goes round & hazta write an essay on wut they r thinkin’ bout & then read it 2 the class.

    eva abuya’s wuz just whacked. “i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout wut if april patterson lived in a war zone & her house wuz gone an’ all she had left wuz her family! wud april consider herself lucky? wud april finally tell me wut’s goin’ on w/duncan anderson insteada spendin’ all her tyme w/jeremy jones?”

    then gerald’s wuz whacked 2. “i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout how i don’t wanna b happy – i wanna b famous!! i wuz also thinkin’ how many gigz i wud have ovah xmas, if my band hadn’t decided 2 break up, & it duzn’t make me happy @all.”

    becky mcguire’s wuz, “i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout how i am gonna smack gerald, if he asks me 2b in my band 1 more tyme. i wuz also thinkin’ ‘bout y am i still goin’ 2 this skool, if i am on the road all the tyme. oh by the way, if u guyz wanna buy a decorative star or a statue of an icelandic xmas elf, i can get u a discount.”

    avery, alanis, & anais’s essays were all xxactly alike, “i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout how i wud like 2b blonder.”

    betty narnia’s essay wuz weird, “i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout how i cud get paul frontenac 2 notice i am a woman & not just a yearbook co-editor.”

    ‘course i liked ur essay answer.

    ‘course mine wuz gonna b, “i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout #92.” till u told me that wuzn’t a v. good answer. so i wrote, “i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout how i nearly got crushed & smothered by a bunch of tulips, so i am glad 2b alive.” then there wuz that othah part where i talked ‘bout those thingz i sed i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout how nice u are & gerald innerupted me 2 say i wuz gonna get a swirlie.

    well, neway. aftah b-ing swirlied by gerald, thass the last tyme i evah wanna do that kinda essay in a class.

     

  • At 4:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, never trust reference materials produced by the johnston institute or its affiliates.

    jeremy, i m glad u liked my essay answer. it just happed i was daydreaming abt going on a cross-canada roadtrip w/u in my new crevasse crius.

    apes

     

  • At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. I certainly admire your use of the dictionary and your words on the beauty of my marriage to the lovely Deanna touched my heart. I hope that there may be peace on earth and good will to all men, for heaven's sake and that sometime in my lifetime, Anthony Caine will finally go to one knee and present you with the jewelry passageway for you to achieve the same happiness that Deanna and I have together; except for having a half-Quebecoise kid in the house, eh? In my home and in my heart, I wish you good health and happiness and a large engagement ring.

    Besides, a little birdie tells me that Gordon Mayes has offered his old engagement ring to Anthony at a price that is practically giving it away, when he gets Tracey a much bigger and newer one that fits her finger a lot better. She gained so much weight since she got married, that her old ring had to be cut off before she lost her finger. Her loss, however, can be your gain, if only Gordon can convince Anthony to take him up on the offer. I hope you don’t mind if the engagement ring has a little glue on it.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I remember years ago when I worked with your sister at Lakeshore Landscaping (LL), and she was talking with the guys about how her relationships always failed. I remember her saying that one of her ways of knowing a guy was good was asking a guy the question “What are you thinking about?” and he would come up with an answer so romantic, she would know he was the one.

    At this discussion, one of the LL guys asked her how her old ex-boyfriend Eric Chamberlain answered that question. Your sister said, “Ah, Eric. My first university love. I remember he said, ‘I was thinking I argue with you a lot but I hardly ever Argentina.’” The guys said, “’hardly ever Argentina?’ What does that mean?” Your sister replied, “Obviously he wanted to take me on a trip to Argentina. What a bad place to go. Argentina is no Mexico. If he had said Mexico, then it would have been true love. I should have known how things would end up from the way he answered that question.” Of course, Lawrence Poirier was there and whispered about that Eric Chamberlain was fooling around on your sister with a girl name Tina. Then we understood what Eric Chamberlain was really saying.

    At the time, your sister was under the impression that Warren Blackwood was her boyfriend, so the guys had to ask her what he said when she asked him that question. She said, “Oh, Warren, my boyfriend. I remember he said, ‘I was thinking it feels like I’m seeing you for the first time.'” The guys said, “Why would he say that?” Liz said, “It was my university graduation, and I think I was wearing makeup. I don’t think I wore makeup on our other dates. Let me see. Helicopter ride. Drinking in the bar. Bus ride. No. No makeup.” Then the guys said, “How do you know he’s the one?” Then your sister said, “He said he would find me wherever I was. No matter where I lived, he would find me. It’s so romantic.” Then the guys said, “OK. But did he promise to visit you or write to you?” Your sister said, “Well, that’s what ‘find you’ means.” The guys said, “Not really. The guy lives in Edmonton. ‘Find you’ could mean he knows where you are on the map.” Then your sister said, “Well, he hasn’t visited me in Mtigwaki yet, but if he doesn’t soon, then I might get so desperate I would take a guy my mom recommended to me.” The guys all had a good laugh about that one.

    So, years later, it’s interesting your sister would ask Anthony Caine that question.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    The Johnston's Old Canadian-English Dictionary is the only one in the Milborough library, that is how you know it is a reliable reference source, in fact, it is the only dictionary allowed inside the bounds of Milborough city limits according to a 1979 ordinance, which you can see a copy of it is glued inside the front of every Johnston's OCE Dictionary, anyway, I think I might be upset if Anthony gives me Tracey's old diamond chip, it is not a nice sparkly diamond but some industrial grade-type diamond that Gordo bought off some vendor of his real cheap because that was when him and Tracey were super poor, the main benefit of waiting to marry Anthony until I am at an advanced age like 26 or 27 is that he has had time to establish himself in a career and provide me with a nice house, which you will remember is the one Gordo and Tracey upgraded to after they moved out of the squalid apartment over the gas station, so I should get an upgraded ring too, not the squalid gas station diamond ring, but something in between that and what Gordo is getting for Tracey now, I am thinking at least a carat because after all not only did I wait for him (kind of), but I will be putting up with the brat from his first marriage to that whore, and who even knows if she's really Anthony's child anyhow, it's such a nuisance, also, Mom has been acting all nervous lately about how the Richards name is going to die out when Grandpa dies, I was like, "He isn't dead yet?", but Mom said, "I don't think so, but I haven't heard from Iris in weeks, she is so lazy about calling," and then she pointed out that Phil never had kids because Georgia was all selfish about wanting a high-powered career, and Iris doesn't count as a Richards, and Mom had to become a Patterson when she got married, and then she said, "Just between you and me, that was what gave the Patterson clan all its cache! I brought it with me to the marriage like a wonderful, magical dowry...of charisma!", and as I was nodding in agreement, Mom said, "You and Anthony should really think about changing your names to 'Richards' when you get married," and at first I was like, "Won't that sound stupid, to be 'Richards and Richards Caine', nobody could tell us apart!" and Mom said, "No, stupid, you should change your last name to Richards, to carry on my family name!" and I said, "I don't know if Anthony will like that," and Mom said, "Well, Caine is a terrible name, remember, the mark of Caine is the mark of evil," and then I agreed that I do not want to basically be Mrs. Elizabeth Evil, that sounds scary, and so I told Mom that when Anthony and I finally get married--if it ever happens!--that we will consider changing our names to Richards, but then Dad suddenly burst into the kitchen, and he was clutching a paper in his hand, and he held it up and screamed, "Treaty violator!", and spittle flew out of his mouth all over, and Mom got a dark storm cloud over top of her head, well it turns out there is some fine print in the 1979 Richards-Patterson Accord that prohibits this kind of thing, like all of the greatness of the Richardses is supposed to get merged in with the Patterson family, it's totally weird, but Mom admitted maybe we should just forget it, it's not worth Canada breaking out into civil war over it, she says that Anthony can just change his name to "Patterson," which I really think would be nice and consistent, and then I wouldn't have to change my name, except to remember to write Mrs. instead of Miss, which will be hard enough.

    Liz

     

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, y don't u broaden yr horizons an' try dictionary.com?

    do u really think anthony wd change his last name 2 patterson? i kinda think he won't do it.

    howard, that story is interesting, tho also kinda sad in a way.

    apes

     

  • At 2:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    So, to continue my story, after that embarrassing part where I had to admit I was distracted, I decided I had to take drastic measures to make Anthony think of me as wife-type material, well, I saw my reflection in a store window and I was looking pretty good in my outfit, very frumpy and wife-like, I had on a ultra-thick sweater that conceals my curves, and a blue car coat, and a dull brown pocketbook, and a boring ponytail, and I even had that mom-type front-butt look going on in my khaki slacks, I have never looked more wifely, so I grabbed Anthony on impulse and dragged him over to the window and cried out, "Oh Anthony, isn't it the cutest thing?" and I totally didn't even have a particular toy in mind, I just pointed at one that looked reasonable in the display, but fortunately Anthony agreed, but he said, "It's hard to buy anything because of 'you know who,'" and so I promised to take that rotten Frenchy around the mall while he bought the toy and hid it in the car, well of course that wily Frenchy, she knew just what was up, she asked if we were talking about her, and I asked why she would say that, and she said, "You know who knows you know what!" and then I asked her, how old are you again, 7 or 8, because some of my students are not that advanced, but Frenchy just cackled an evil laugh and said, "Francie knows all!" and then I kind of panicked, because that would mean she knows about my boarding school plan, but just then she said, "Oh look," and pointed at this train ride for little kids, and I said, "You're too old for that," and she said, "I'm only two, dummy," and then I got so confused, I mean, she seems older than two, I really hope Frenchy doesn't outwit me, I need to get married like now.

    Liz

     

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