April's Real Blog

Wednesday, December 05, 2007


Liz is v. happy 2 B able 2 tell U more abt her recent "d8" w/Anthony:

Isn't it exciting I get a whole week about me and my love life, but dang it is a bummer to get it all messed up by that brat Frenchy and her stupid problems, anyway, I thought Anthony got the brat all packed off to bed and just when I thought we could talk about when he is finally going to make me Mrs. Anthony Caine he started blabbing about Frenchy, so I had to tell him it was okay and I understood why she was jealous since it was just him and Frenchy so of course they have a unnaturallike close relationship, and then Anthony said that Therese has been gone a long time, like a few months or something, and she should of got over her motheral abandonment by now, but I kind of ignored all the Frenchy talk because Anthony said something about "another woman in his house" and I knew that meant me and I got all carried away on fantasies about being Mrs. Anthony Caine and wearing a frilly apron and baking pies and roasts and clipping coupons and vacuuming in high heels and a pearl necklace and a fetching shirtwaist dress and hosting meetings of the Milborough Ladies Aide Society and starting up my very own emergency casserole telephone tree on Striver Drive where Anthony's house is, but then I realized that Anthony was staring at me and he hadn't actually proposed yet or anything so I quick said something like how I could be patient and wait or whatever for Frenchy to come to me, you know, Anthony really eats up that kind of talk, just then that brat Frenchy came back yelling "Daddy Daddy" and she threw herself into Anthony's arms, probably to keep him from taking me in his arms and proposing, so I thought to myself, "Ready when you are...to start shopping for boarding schools."

Poor Francie. She's gonna have a stepmom who thinx she's a brat an' wants 2 send her 2 a bding school as soon as she can find one that will take toddlers. It seems Anthony told Dad and Dad told Mike that Liz had this convo when Francie was standing in the hallway by her room. Liz, 4 future reference? Toddlers can hear and understand U!

Oh, and in other news, I 4got 2 tell U yesterday that I was going 4 my G2 road test. And I totally passed. Jeremy and I had a fun lil celebration while we watched hockey. Funny thing, the driving examiner remembered having given the road test 2 Liz, and he remembered her having a bunch of thot bubbles abt how cute she thot he was. After he let me know that I'd passed, he sed that he was v. relieved that my thot bubbles were stuff like, "Parallel parking. Car in reverse. Turn the wheel 1x 2 the rite. Back up until I'm @ a 45-degree angle. Turn the wheel 2x 2 the left. Back up until I'm lined up str8 in the space. Wheel 1x 2 the rite. Car in drive. Pull forward slitely. Car in park. Smile." So, woot! G2 licence ppl! I can drive w/out an adult (w/certain restrictions). Yay!


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  • At 7:28 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Like I said, getting her away from that vindictive, self-absorbed, perennialy immature nutjob you call an older sister will be the best thing that could ever happen to Françoise. A life without a child-woman's pointless drama, hot and cold running smackdowns and being blamed for other people's negligence and stupidity is a life without regerts. Also, a life where they depict her as thinking that Big Scary Wishes make trees fall down. Funny, isn't it? Liz, who'll be a snivelling, buck-passing preschooler when she's eighty, thinks she's messing the kid up but since she's stupid as a sack of hair, she's actually gonna save her from a life of misery.

  • At 8:10 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i hope anthony duz not lose site of his parental responsibilities, eh? he was so, so anxious 2 have a child, and now he's got unrealistic xxpectations abt her ability 2 accept liz quickly.


  • At 1:21 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the G2 iz gr8. ru still plannin’ on goin’ ovah 2 mayes midtown motors aftah skool & try 2 get gordon 2 give u a car 4 wut u have in ur savingz? we talked ‘bout it a bit & i know ur kinda conflicted. on the 1 hand, u don’t wanna take advantage of the fact ur a patterson 2 get a deal othah peeps cudn’t evah get off gordon (like me); but on the othah hand, it wud b gr8 2 have a car, & not hafta deal w/ur mom or ur dad not evah lettin’ u drive newhere xxcept 2 ur grandpa jim’s place, or 2 get ur mom sum more pastries, or 2 haul trash 4 ur dad 2 the dump. i wud luv 2 come w/u, but i know since i have official “villain” status, if u do decide 2 get a car off gordon, i can’t come w/u, or it wud screw up the deal. i don’t like it, but if u get a car, i won’t care, eh?

    i luvved watchin’ the leafs take the predators w/u last nite. it wuz a goofy game. evn wade belak scored. it kinda made 4 a perfect day, i thot, especially our celebration ‘bout ur G2.

  • At 1:38 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. “Unrealistic expectations about her ability to accept Liz quickly.” You see, April, this is what happens when you try to avoid accepting your destiny of being with your childhood sweetheart. If Liz and Anthony had just gotten married when they were supposed to, then these issues of having a half-Quebecoise child about would not even come up. However, I will admit Anthony Caine jumped the gun on the marriage. He really should have waiting until Elizabeth was out of university before he started thinking about marrying anyone. Mom has certainly beat that idea into my head. I can’t tell you how many times I was told, “Don’t propose to Deanna until after she graduates!” Given that situation, what is Liz supposed to do? Obviously she has to try and destroy Anthony’s marriage by any means possible, and I think she did a pretty good job with that. Yes, Elizabeth, that’s a compliment to you; although I am sure you had your part to play, April, as we all did.

    The real problem arose when Liz arrived in Milborough in July last year, and she didn’t dump her constable boyfriend for Anthony and marry him right away. In July of last year, the little half-Quebecoise child would have been a little over one years’ old and would not have been able to say the things she is saying today. She would just barely be walking and probably would admire Liz’s ability to put one foot in front of the other. Liz’s mistake is waiting until the half-Quebecoise child developed enough cognitive thought to be able to react to Elizabeth like other people do, namely holding their nose from her foul Lizardbreath. At one year’s old, all she could to is cry and baby’s do that anyway. No one would know the real reason she didn’t want Liz to hold her.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:28 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Listen Mike, I realize now the folly of my mistake in not dumping Paul for Anthony as soon as he gave me that totally romantic "I have no home!" speech, but like so many girls before me, I got all caught up in enjoying dating someone who is actually attractive, I should of known that is not the way for a Milborough girl to go, anyhow, I think you are wrong April about Anthony being really attached to Frenchy, what Anthony wanted was a perfect family, not to be a single father to a brat, so I think when he realizes we can make the perfect Milborough family together he won't hesitate to send Frenchy off to boarding school or to whatever brothel her mother is working in now, after all, Anthony must know it is really likely Frenchy isn't his kid anyway, she doesn't look anything like him, she looks like Therese had a baby with Shannon Lake, if I were you April, I would pump that special needs girl for information, anyway, gotta go, the principal is yelling something about "grade reports" or whatever, I keep telling him, that's not the White Goose's way.


  • At 3:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, u hadn't even MET paul yet when anthony did his "i have no home" thing. that was august of 2005, and u met paul in november of 2005!

    and u obviously h8 his kid. don't u think that shd b a big ol' red flag 2 both of u?!?!?!?

    jeremy, i m still conflicted, but i decided 2 go ahead neway. in fact, i just got out of gordo's office now. i cdn't believe it, but even w/the amt i have in my savings, he was able 2 sell me a candy-apple red 2005 crevasse crius. and he sed that w/just that one payment, i own the car outrite! can u believe it?

    when i asked how i cd poss get such a good deal from him, i cda sworn i heard him mutter sumthing that sounded like, "yr dad knows where the bodies r buried." but when i was, like, "what?" he was like, "nuthin'."

    so, wanna go 4 a drive?


  • At 4:16 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, a candy-apple red 2005 crevasse crius. thass way cube. i am so jealous, but not so jealous i don't wanna go 4 a drive. road trip!!

  • At 4:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    whee! i'll b rite over, jeremy!!!


  • At 4:31 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Congratulations on getting your G2 and the new car. My advice to you is to make sure that you let mom have the indoor parking spot at your house. When we were living with mom, she got a little upset about one time when she had to park outside and let me just say, “Our car never looked the same afterwards.” And by this I mean it didn’t look the same. The headlights were placed differently, and the whole shape of the car was not the same. If you don’t want that to happen to your car, let mom park her Crevasse inside.

    As for your opinion of our mutual sister and her relationship with her soon-to-be half-Quebecoise stepdaughter, you have mistaken the Lizard’s expressions for hate. Just because she thinks the girl is a brat, needs to be sent to a boarding school, and appears to have been fathered by your friend Shannon Lake does not mean she hates the little darling. She is simply recognizing the obvious problems the little youngster will have in our town. As a half-Quebecoise girl, she is going to be expected to have a pro-Quebec political stance and work in a Quebecois kind of business in Milborough, like selling poutine cuisine. She certainly cannot get that experience from Anthony and Elizabeth.

    Plus, people are going to presume that because she is half-Quebecoise and looks like Shannon Lake, she will need to be in a special needs program. Clearly she will need to get that special education in Quebec, where they are accustomed to children like that. As for her brattiness, Elizabeth is quite correct to show patience and wait for her behaviour to change by itself. After all, that’s what mom and dad did with us, and see how we turned out.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ru we stoppin' n toronto or goin' on? this crius haz a gr8 hover 2 it, which iz good cuz we prolly wud've killed thoze dogz othahwise.

  • At 7:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy an' i r in toronto. we haven't d-cided what 2 do next.


  • At 3:56 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April, I mispeaked myself, see, at first I couldn't take Anthony for because he was still married and a Patterson woman must protect her reputation above all, but when he was divorcing, then I was all blinded by the idea of getting a attractive man and not a Milborough man.

  • At 4:00 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Okay, more talking about Anthony and his brat, well, Anthony put Frenchy to bed, she is very spoiled, she has bunk beds, which I think is a sign that she has been overindulged, anyway, when Anthony came out I was putting on my boots to leave and he acted surprised and asked if I was leaving, he does this every time I go over, like it is a surprise I am not staying over the night, this is how Anthony is trying to trick me into sexy stuff before a ring on my finger, but now I am smart, and I have morals, so I am saying, "No, big diamond first!", so I told him I had grading to do, anyway, just as we were about to do a polite kiss on the lips Frenchy the Brat started howling about wanting stuff like water and a light and probably also a pony, who knows with her, so of course I told Anthony to go wait on her, and I would wait for him, so he would think I am not annoyed by Frenchy's evil ways, and hopefully get a proposal soon, because if I don't get a ring on New Years this year I will probably kill myself, with drain cleaner or something, goddamn it, I have been so patient, I am too old for this crap, I should be a housewife by now!!!!!



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