April's Real Blog

Monday, December 10, 2007

Graying of [Gr]Anthony

Liz has an outing w/Anthony 2 tell us abt:

I have been blessed with another week of talking about me and my life, which is wonderful of course because I will be talking about my progress toward getting married, but I have horrible news, when we were out shopping with Frenchy, it was snowing, and Anthony being a rugged and manly sort of man did not wear a hat, when I asked him if it would not be smart to wear a hat, he said, "Never fear, Elizabeth dear, my constitution is as hale and hardy as that of William Henry Harrison," and so he went without a hat, and snow got in his hair, and that brat Frenchy started to harass him about it, I swear, that child never lets up with her complaining and demands, and Anthony told her it was okay because the snow hid the gray hair, well, I smiled and laughed at that but inwardly I panicked, the Milborough aging curse is speeding up!, and I don't have a engagement ring yet!, I have to get married, what if Anthony dies before we can get married, then I will not even get the respect that a widow gets, and no one will want to marry a girl who is 27 or 26 or some age in around there, and I will have to make up some weird convoluted story like Connie Poirier just to save face, like "oh, I was married once, to some South American accountant, but now I'm a brave widow!" and who will raise Frenchy, will I get stuck with her?, that would be a fate worse than death, oh God, I have to figure out a way to get Anthony down the aisle and fast, and I better tell that seamstress to hurry up on my pure white wedding dress, it better be ready the instant that Anthony finally gets it together and proposes to me, omg, I think I am getting gray hairs from worrying so much about this, why is Anthony so inconsiderate, doesn't he know we are racing against the clock here?!?

That Milborough aging curse is sum scary, scary stuff. From that comment, U wd think that Anthony is, like, 20 or 30 yrs older than he really is. How weird.


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  • At 10:23 AM, Anonymous DreadedCandiru2 said…

    It's almost as if your world was created by a sixty-year old woman who can't relate to young people so she ages them prematurely. That, or Milborough is stocked with people who turn grey as a mule when they hit twenty-five.

  • At 2:59 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Amazon River catfish supervillain. How little you know about Milborough; but that is not too surprising, considering you live in the Amazon River. In Milborough, it is not all young people who are aged prematurely. It is just the heterosexual young men who turn grey and lose their hair. The homosexual men and the Patterson men keep their luxurious hair and great skin. I'm going to be thirty-two soon. I look in the mirror and I see no change. There's no grey in my hair; unlike poor aging Anthony. It’s good to be a Patterson.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:12 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…


    It just seems kind of strange that Anthony would worry about going grey at his age, Milborough rapid aging or no. After all, light colored hair like his hides grey much better than dark.

  • At 3:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, it's kinda like a 60yo woman worked backwards from a joke abt snow hiding grey hair and then didn't worry abt if it made sense 4 the person delivering the line.


  • At 3:30 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Amazon catfish chappy. Anthony Caine is not worried about going grey and it’s not because his hair doesn’t show grey either. You can tell from the casual way he made the joke about the snow covering up his grey hair to his half-Quebecoise child. You certainly would not confess a personal weakness to someone who is half-Quebecoise.

    Anthony is on the verge of proposing to my sister and once he is married, he will only be a few steps away from losing all his hair and putting on weight. What’s a few grey hairs compared to that? However, he will also be secure in the knowledge that he has fulfilled his destiny and married his childhood sweetheart, my sister the Lizardbreath. With Liz as his wife, Anthony will no longer care about looking good.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:33 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur theory ‘bout y it is that anthony caine’s turnin’ grey wen he iz ur sis’ age iz kinda innerestin’. aftah all, it looks like ur sis haz kinda stopped kissin’ him. i dunno if kissin’ a patterson keeps u young lookin’ or not, but i think it’s worth a try. i mean, it’s worth a try w/u & not ur sis, or ne1 else who’s a patterson.

    i’m rilly happ i stopped lookin’ like i’m 40 & more like 16. i think i hadda live w/old age jokes 4 ‘bout 1 1/12 years; so it’s kinda nice 2 actually b a mboro guy whose has gotten younger-lookin’. ‘course most peeps think i am gay now, since mosta the othah young-lookin’ guys in mboro r gay. the weird part is that even tho peeps have seen us kissin’, they still think i am gay. i dunno wussup w/that.

    i know we were workin’ on kiss #92 frum that book, “201 different kisses, so people think you’re in love and not some stiff and boring couple a 60-year-old woman is trying to force together against your will.” kiss #92 iz the 1 where u hafta run ur hands thru sum1 else’s hair, & i think the best way 4 that 1 to work iz not 2 do it while we r standin’ outside wen it is snowin’ (which in mboro iz the same as not standin’ outside in the winter). i think u were 2 distracted checkin’ 2c if it wuz a snowflake or a grey hair. ‘course wen i got my fingahs caught in ur hair clip & started screamin’, that didn’t help either. thass a tite clip u have up there. i swear it cud put like boulders togethah.

    neway i think we may hafta practise that kiss a little 2 get it rite.

  • At 3:59 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You know that “Snowflake Factory” shoppe, where they specialize in snowflake decorations? I am thinking about burning down that place. It would be self-defence. My wife, Beatrice Alfarero, has gone crazy for them. We have snowflakes, or little elves making snowflakes all over our house.

    I went into the shoppe to protest and perhaps ask the shopkeeper to cut Beatrice off, if she decided to buy anymore. When I went in the shoppe, who should the shopkeeper happen to be but one Thorvald McGuire?

    "Gledileg Jol, Hoskuld.” he said. I said, “My name is Howard, not Hoskuld.” He said, “Can I interest you in a Christmas snowflake, made from real Christmas elves?” I said, “Snowflakes are not made from Christmas elves.” He said, “Nonsense, Hoskuld. According to Icelandic legend, two ogres lived in the mountains. The woman's name was Gryla and her husband's name was Leppalothi. Leppalothi was bed ridden and Gryla went from house to house begging food. At Christmas time, she stole children that had been bad during the past year. The children of these ogres the Jolasveinar, became the Christmas elves. The 13 Jolasveinar live in the mountains and are dressed in red, native Icelandic costume. Beginning on December 13th, the Jolasveinar start to come into towns and villages, one Jolasveinar a day. The Jolasveinar would play tricks on the people. They were responsible for stealing things, playing tricks and begging food, candles and other things. For 13 days, one of these goblins or elves will leave a gift in the children's shoes, which are placed on the windowsill if the child has been good. If the children have been bad they leave a potato or other reminder that gifts are for good children. The Jolasveinar start returning to the mountains on Christmas Day, one a day until, the last one departs on January 6th.”

    I said, “What does that have to do with elves making snowflakes?” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. This is Milborough and what other legitimate occupation can an Icelandic man have?” I had to admit he had me there. I asked him to cut my wife off, if she decided to buy anymore snowflakes. Thorvald said, “My best customer. The Argentineans love snowflakes, because it reminds them of their native land.” I said, “Argentina is not Norse.” Then Thorvald handed me this literature about Ásatrú in Argentina. I was surprised, to say the least.

    Anyway, we have even more snowflakes and elves in my house now. Thorvald has had businesses burn down before. I doubt he would mind much.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, becky's dad owns that snowflake place? that xxplains sum things.

    jeremy an' i have been practicing our kisses. i really like #92, i hafta say. i m not sure y sum peeps think jeremy is gay even when they c we r kissin' on ea other a lot. one guy sed i was a "v. convincing drag queen." weird.


  • At 8:41 PM, Anonymous Brian said…

    Mike--I think the reason your hair is still dark is b/c you lived in Toronto for so long. But you should be careful now that you own a house in Milborough! Why do you think I'm staying so far away?

  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    v. smart of u, brian. hope u an' junko r doing well!


  • At 2:13 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Okay, more about me!, well, we went into the mall and I immediately got all distracted by the lights and the music, that happens to me a lot, my principal thinks maybe I should get on some kind of medication for ADD or something, it's so hard to pay attention, anyway, after awhile I paid attention to Anthony and Frenchy again, and I realized we had switched to having Frenchy walk between me and Anthony, which is a good pose for Polite Dating but not so good when you are trying to get engaged, anyway, to make Anthony think about me, I asked him what he was thinking about, he said, "How much I like this time of year," and then he asked me what I was thinking about, and I stupidly told the truth, and then I realized how dumb I am, I admitted I can't pay attention and also I should of lied and said I was thinking about how husbandly he is or something, to give a hint, gah, I suck at proposal-getting!, god why are we so lame we can't even have a normal conversation, but have to try to fill awkward silences, I mean that's fine and all, I think the best marriages are where the couple is bored with each other, look at Mom and Dad, well while I was mentally bashing myself Anthony asked Frenchy what she was thinking about, the little brat said that everything smelled like "Legs," which I thought was disgusting, a little girl should not be talking about obscene body parts let alone how they smell, I mean really, a good Patterson woman keeps her legs covered at all times unless she is going to a party where she might be able to catch a husband, so of course I never think about how such a sexy type body part might smell, disgusting, I wanted to ask Anthony if he ever tried to teach Frenchy any sense of proper behavior but he just seemed totally stunned by his daughter's filthy talk so I decided to give him a break this time, he is such a wonderful father otherwise, and besides I am sure it is all Therese's fault, remember, her mother is a whore, but anyway, while Anthony looked shocked I tried to think of how to make Anthony go into the jewelry shop and buy me a big old diamond engagement ring, it's just not coming to me though, then I thought maybe I could get the mall Santa to order Anthony to propose, but I didn't have any blackmail material on the mall Santa, so I didn't know what to do on that front, so instead I thought some more about boarding schools, it's very soothing.



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