I guess it's my turn again
Mom was making holiday cookies, and since it's one of the few occasions when she makes food that is not, like, totally vile, I cdn't help b-ing gravit8ed 2 the preparation area. As Mom was chop-chop-chop-chopping, I asked her, "How many ppl R coming over 4 Xmas?" Mom was all "14," and I went back 2 channeling Keanu and Everett w/"Whoa!" As I reached in2 a canister of walnuts 2 munch-munch them, I sed, "And Deanna's the hostess this yr. That'll B nice!" Yeah, in opposite-land. And Mom was all, "Hey, don't do that!!" Abt the munch-munching, not the saying Deanna will B hostess and that'll B nice." As I pulled a chocolate-chip cookie out of its tin, I was all, "Y? There's gonna B waaay 2 much food. There alwayz is." And Mom was like, "Well, U can w8 4 the leftovers!" I put an arm around her and asked, "Can't I just eat the leftovers 1st?" Mom looked up, raised her brow, and, I guess, tried 4 "xxasper8ed." Tho I sensed she was thinking, "U're supposed 2 publicly refuse the cookies, and then gorge on them in the middle of the nite. It's called B-ing a lady."
NEway, last wk of school B4 our holiday break. W00t!
Apes
NEway, last wk of school B4 our holiday break. W00t!
Apes
Labels: Mom, Patterson food obsession
posted by April Patterson @ 6:50 AM
9 Comments:
At 7:08 AM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
You may not wanna load up on the grub there, sweetie. If Mira shows up, it'll probably be to grovel for Mike's forgiveness for ever doubting him. That's not someone you'd want to look at on a full stomach.
At 11:31 AM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, pt taken, dc2.
btw, i m signing up 4 xxtra kickboxing and power yoga classes 2 keep holiday w8 gain @ bay. oh, and if ne1 sees an image of me where it loox like flex of food r flying out of my mouth when i m eating, that's cuz of a crayzee 60yo woman who thinx that this is the way 2 represent the act of eating.
apes
At 1:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I can't believe that my moving and important story of heroism in the face of Therese's parental abandonment and more importantly the story of me getting engaged to Anthony finally had to be cut off and put on hold all because Mom said that the Good Witch said that her "readers" whoever they are were not ready for it and that they needed some stupid boring crap strips showing favorite antics like "Pattersons eating messily" and "Mom looking like a man in a dress" to keep them from overloading on the heavy story line before the actual Christmas holiday, she says your story of sloppy overeating is like the appetizer and that maybe something more substantial, like me getting engaged or at least pre-engaged, can happen during the holidays, oh, and by the way, you can now officially stop making fun of how much/how sloppy I eat, because you are just as bad!!
Liz
At 2:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
That is weird, April. Why did your mom say that there will be plenty of leftovers to eat. Are you not invited to Christmas (or the "Holiday") dinner?
At 3:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
teena, yes, i m invited 2 the dinner. it's just my mom's way of thinking that u restrain yrself during the meal (like take dainty portions) and then go crayzee l8er by raiding the fridge 4 the leftovers fro the meal, preferably after every1 else is asleep. tho more recently (like the picnic this summer) she d-cided 2 forego that an' just pig out in front of every1.
whatevs, liz.
apes
At 3:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. No offense, but flecks of food do fly out of your mouth when you’re eating. I have seen it several times when there have been no crazy 60-year-old women about. However, I will say, that I haven’t seen you drool while you eat like mom and dad do. I suppose that is something you can look forward to doing in your old age. As for the Lizardbreath and her messy eating, the two of you are about the same in distance of particles spewed while eating. At least you can take some kind of satisfaction from the knowledge that your breath is better than hers. That will help you when Elizabeth gets her ring over Christmas. Mom’s invitation to Anthony Caine specifically said she is expecting him to give a gift of the ring-like variety to Elizabeth; so we have high hopes. I just wish Anthony would quit asking me questions about “ring around the collar”.
In the meantime, at my house, Deanna is getting ready for an onslaught by her mother. “You haven’t had us to your home in over a year.” “Why would you spend $450K on this awful house, when you could have bought a new one near us in a neighbourhood that actually has other kids, and no dangerous ravine in the back?” “Why in the world would you want to live within walking distance of Elly Patterson?” “Why is your son drooling when he plays with that airplane?” “Stop throwing that teddy bear at my head!” I can just hear it now. But for now, I can simply enjoy watching my lovely Deanna in her Christmas Day dinner preparations. You know that there are a lot of different ways you can prepare carrots?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know ur prolly gonna b bizzy w/ur fam on xmas day cuz u have 14 peeps comin’. neway, i thot mebbe we cud do sumthin’ on xmas eve. don’t get 2 freaked out, but mom & step-dad & step-sis wanna do church, so it's not gonna b rilly xxcitin', like watchin' the leafs, eh? ru innerested? it’s ok, if u say “no,” cuz i know ur prolly gonna b bizzy helpin’ ur fam get reddy 4 xmas.
by the way, u were rilly cube wen gerald accused u of spittin’ food on him @the cafetorium. he’s just in a bad mood cuz it’s xmas tyme & he keeps gettin’ offers for 4evah&eva 2 play @gigz & he hazta say “no” & becky won’t let him play in her band. neway, i cud tell it kinda hurt ur feelin’s, eh? so, 2 get an unbiased opinion, i asked mom if she thot wen u eat food, if the little bits that pop out bothered her & she sed “no.” well, actually she sed after seein’ my dad eat, it wud take a lot 4 ne1’s eatin’ 2 bother her. by the way, ur mom’s eatin’ the othah nite did bother her, but i think it wuz mainly the amount of food & the droolin’.
At 8:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, def count me in 4 xmas eve. my can do whatevs my fam wants me 2 do well in advance, and after that they will mostly 4get abt me, like usual, i think.
thanx 4 trying 2 make me feel better. u're rite, ger has been in a foul mood l8ly. he doesn't have 4 evah & eva and hasn't been able 2 get nething else going w/out us.
apes
At 2:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. The smell of turkey wafted through the air as the life of Leonard Driscoll in my second novel Breaking the Windjammer, came to me. Leonard is on leave from the sea life to visit his family at Christmas. As he approaches his childhood home, he opens the door and is not prepared for the onrush of well-wishes. “Leonard!” they cry, happy to see him safe and sound and returned from his adventures. They ask him about the scar on his forehead he got from the pirate queen who nearly ran him through before she fell for his manly charms and he for hers. They ask him about the rough life of the sea. They come to him crying about how all these people are coming to his house and no one is bringing presents and just food and how mommy thinks that is a present, when it really isn’t a present and how it just isn’t fair.
It’s Leonard’s little sister. No. OK. It’s my daughter. Let’s see what is upsetting her.
All right. She says she was in the kitchen with mommy and she said, “Is everyone coming to our house, mom?” Mommy was busy making her very first turkey in a giant pan. She said, “Yes. We have the most space!” Then my daughter said, “That’s not true. Grandma Mira’s place is bigger than ours.” Then I said, “Did you say that to your mother?” Then my daughter said, “No. But I thought it.” I told her she had done the right thing.
My daughter continued and said she said, “Are they gonna bring anything?” I said, “That’s ‘going to’ not ‘gonna’. You don’t want that half-Quebecoise kid coming to Christmas dinner to think you’re stupid. Continue, please.”
My daughter said, “Then mommy said, ‘Uh-huh! Grandma Elly is bringing dessert.’” I laughed a little at that. My daughter said, “Why are you laughing?” I said, “That dessert will never make it out of mom’s house. They will eat it all.” My daughter said, “Oh. Then mommy said, ‘Grandma Mira is bringing bread and potatoes.’” I said, “Typical. Grandma Mira is trying to show she is better than we are by bringing the most practical foods.” My daughter said, “This is bad?” I said, “Of course. Bread and potatoes are very filling.” My daughter looked confused.
Then she said, “Mommy said, ‘Elizabeth and Anthony are bringing salads and Iris is bringing the wine!’” I said, “What a disaster. Elizabeth and Anthony with food that has to be fresh. At least it’s a salad, and no one in the family will eat it, unless they fry it. Have you ever had mom’s fried salad?” My daughter said, “No.” I said, “It’s delicious. If you put enough batter on something, you don’t have to worry about if it’s fresh or not.”
My daughter said, “Oh. I was talking about presents. That’s what I said to mom. And then she said, ‘Speaking as the hostess, Meredith…Those are presents!'” I said, “What? No presents? Just food!?” Then I ran into the kitchen where Deanna was and said, “No presents!!! This is horrible! How can I write when there are not going to be any presents!”
Then Deanna explained that there were going to be presents, but as the hostess she considered the food to be the present. I said, “You don’t want any presents aside from the food? But I already got you something.” Deanna said, “Michael, I was trying to teach our daughter a lesson about the importance of things at Christmas. Everyone pitching in to help with the Christmas Dinner is more important than presents.” I said, “Oh right. Time instead of gifts. Very good, Deanna. That’s an excellent lesson.” My daughter was there and said, “Nuts!”
See you for Christmas Dinner, formerly little sis, assuming you haven’t eaten the dessert already,
Michael Patterson
Post a Comment
<< Home