April's Real Blog

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Enter Thérèse!

In the next bit of Liz's story abt her trip 2 the mall w/Anthony and Françoise, the plot thickens:

Well, I hate to have to tell you this part, but here is where my wonderful tale of Elizabeth on the road to wifedom goes awry, I was walking Frenchy around, showing her stuff, like we saw these mechanical figures, and I was like, "Look at this elf! He's making a toy with his little hammer!" and Frenchy said, "What do you think I am, a bozo? I can see that with my own two eyes," so then I dragged her to the next mechanical figure, which was a reindeer, because I am not about to be undone in the showing how I can be a good stepmom department, and I said, "Look how Rudolph's nose! What color is it?" and Frenchy said, "Every moron in Canada knows that Rudolph's nose is red," and since she answered me a little nicer that time, I showed her the snowman, and pointed out how he moved and talked, but this time, Frenchy forgot to insult me, she was distracted, and I thought we were about to bond over a common problem with getting distracted, but then Frenchy excitedly said, "That's my mom over there, Elizabeth! That's my mom!" which kind of surprised me, since she abandoned Frenchy like a zillion years ago, how does Frenchy know what she looks like?, but she does, and I think this is proof that Frenchy is an evil sorceress, well, Frenchy took off running toward Therese, screaming, "MOM!" and naturally I charged after her, screaming, "Francie! Wait!" because nothing is more dangerous than running up to your mom in a sparsely populated shopping mall, well I could tell Therese was not pleased but Frenchy threw herself against Therese and stood on tiptoe so she could bury her face in Therese's crotch, what a totally weird way to greet your mom, but maybe that's how the French do it, I hear they're perverts, anyway, Therese looked very fashionable as usual, but of course she is nothing in comparison to my very frumpy wifely self, I was looking super wife-tastic that day, and I was surprised she is still living in Milborough because everyone knows Milborough is for family people only, there is even a sign at the city limits that says, "If you don't like kids and soul-crushing marriages, get out!!!", but there she was, so I said, "Hello Therese," while Frenchy took some deep smells of her crotch, and Therese said, "Hello Elizabeth" in her smirky way, and I thought to myself how there are lots of surprises this time of year, like how it doesn't make sense that Therese is still hanging around our town or that Frenchy recognizes her or that we all thought this week was going to be about me FINALLY GETTING ENGAGED but instead it is going to turn out to be about how Frenchy misses Therese or something, what a bore, besides, gah, what idiot doesn't prefer a Pattermom to a Frenchymom?, in spite of her appearing smartness I think Frenchy is a little retarded.

Dun-dun-DUN! Yeah, odd that Francie even knows what Thérèse looks like. I was v. curious 2 know what happed next, so I called up Liz an' asked, and she was like, "Tut tut, U know the rules 4 Patterson storytelling. Dribs and drabs, April. Dribs and drabs."


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  • At 7:09 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, this is certainly an inconvenience. Unless, of course, Liz can somehow strong-arm Therese into looking after her kid so she doesn't have to worry about a step-child harshing her mellow. Too bad she doesn't have the gumption.

  • At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Thérèse said…


    It was a very emotional day, the day when I ran into my daughter Françoise, and your sister Elizabeth. I see that your sister has been telling her side of the story, so it only seems juste et égal you hear mine aussi.

    I was at the mall, doing my Christmas shopping. One of the first things that attracted my eye was a woman of about 60-years-old, sitting outside shops and drawing. I stopped to see what she was drawing and it was just a square with the words Follis Shoes in it. I asked her what she was doing and she said, “I get a discount for every store I put in my comic strip.” She seemed un peu étrange to me.

    Another thing which was un peu étrange were the hanging decorations from the ceiling which seemed like they were always so close to hitting my head. I had passed by the moving snowman, who caused so much terreur in the shoppers, the mall around it was nearly empty. Personally, I thought the moving Christmas trees were plus effrayant, but most people did not seem to notice them.

    Then I heard the voice of my little girl, yelling across the mall, “Mom!” At first I thought it was someone else, because she did not say, “Maman!” Then I saw a little girl running over to me in purple overalls, and wearing some kind of faux animal fur jacket using dots. To see my daughter, or en réalité any person wearing such a combination of clothes, caused me to think “No!” She was being chased by this woman who ran with her hand in her coat pocket. That odd posture, and the graceless running and public shouting. She said, “Francie! Wait!” in that harsh mannish voice of hers. I should have known it was your sister.

    My daughter grabbed me around the waist as if she had been tortured since the last time I saw her. The few times I had ever spent in the same room with your sister were like a torture to me, so my daughter agreed. I was right all those years when I knew your sister was trying to break up my marriage. People thought I was follement jaloux, but when I saw your sister with my daughter, I knew I was right.

    I had heard rumours that my ex- and your sister had finally passed the point where they felt they could be together without making people to think she had broken up our marriage. I had heard rumours she had told about how I left my ex- because I was suffering from post partum depression and because I didn’t like living in the Mayes’ old house on Weaver Street and I wanted to live in the city. Voilà! There I was in the mall, living proof it was a lie. Of course I had also heard rumours that my daughter was not born until after we moved into the Weaver Street house, but you would know that was a lie since you were at my baby shower after my daughter was born and before I had moved. These were all lies, fabriqué by your sister to absolve herself of her part in the end of my marriage.

    There was your sister in front of me. Her hand was still in her pocket. She said, “Hello, Thérèse.” But she did not extend her main impolie to me. I responded, “Hello, Elizabeth.” It was a difficult conversation. It is très difficile to talk to a woman, who looks and dresses so much like a man. She calls it wifely. I call it masculine.

    I will tell you more tomorrow,

    Au revoir,

  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thérèse, thanx 4 checking in. it's v. sad the way anthony has been dressing françoise. he has no fasion sense.

    dc2, i m guessing sumhow liz wdn't do that as a matter of pride, even tho she'd actually want 2.


  • At 5:29 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

  • At 5:58 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i know wen we were @the mall, it wuz kinda mbarrassin’ 4u. that snowman looked pretty cute ‘till it said, “jeremy jones. u leave april alone or i’m gonna get u” & it started chasin’ me all ‘round the mall tryin’ 2 stab me w/1 of those arms.

    ‘course eventually the security peeps caught the snowman & made it stop. & then u found me & made the security peeps take the handcuffs off me. they sed, “patterson, eh? & he’s ur bf?” then u sed, “no, he’s a friend.” then they sed, “oh, rite. a patterson ‘friend.’” it kinda irrit8ed u, but @least they let me go.

    but the best part wuz wen the guy ovah @follis shoez sed 2 me, “hey, u. patterson friend. i’m so sorry our snowman went crayzee. y don’t u get the nice lady a pair of shoes? i’ll sell 2u4 cheap.” well, then u sed sumthin’ ‘bout honorary doctorates, which i didn’t unnerstand, but i gotta say he wuz sellin’ those shoez 4 next 2 nothin’. i sed, “april, i can’t turn down a deal like this.” & then u let me buy u those shoes, & az u sed, “the best part is that i can wear them w/my skool uniform.”

    then the guy ovah @shelly’s restaurant sed, “hey, u. patterson friend. i’m so sorry our snowman went crayzee. y don’t u buy the nice lady a good dinner. i’ll sell 2u4 cheap.” well, then u sed sumthin’ ‘bout product placement advertisements, which i didn’t unnerstand, but i gotta say he wuz offerin’ a 75% off on the dinner, which wuz cheap. i sed, “april, i can’t turn down a deal like this.” & then u let me buy u that dinner, & az u sed, “the best part is that i didn’t hafta eat my mom’s cookin’.”

    &then there wuz the guy ovah @abe’s full body massage, but i think i’ll leave out the deets of that story.

    ‘course i still don’t know y that snowman attacked me.

  • At 9:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, no. so, so wrong w/yr penguins/québecois[e] theory.

    now, u shd sit down b4 u have a look @ what i m gonna link. i found, in mom's "2 keep" boxes that she stacked in our basement here @ the little house, a foto album marked "NOT for reminiscing sessions."

    inside, i found a v. interesting series of fotos, complete w/speech an' thot bubbles. they r from lizzie's driving test. and they show that she useta think that being from quebec was not bad @ all. lol. and she was also d8ing anthony during this time that she was, like, totally lusting over the driving xxaminer.

    jeremy, it was a v. strange time @ the mall, and i don't know y that snowman attacked u. but u made it a good time even tho it was so strange.


  • At 9:44 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. That was an interesting set of photos. I asked mom if I could show them to my daughter and then talk about them, and she said, “Maybe in 14 years. We have to do the old pictures no one remembers first.”

    Well, I do remember the early stages of the Lizardbreath’s relationship with Anthony, when they were first establishing the childhood sweetheart link that would put them together forever. In senior secondary school is the perfect to time to date around and experiment with people, so you can build that list of childhood sweethearts for later marriage. Unfortunately for the Lizardbreath, her choice of men aside from Anthony was usually made up of the dregs of society, as you see today with your Quebecois selection. It was only after she left Milborough, did she try to date a nicer type of guy, the cheaters. Fortunately for Liz she always had Anthony to fall back on, and as it turned out, his character is better than any of the other guys in which Liz was interested, since Anthony did not actually go through with the cheating, like Liz’s other boyfriends did.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    where did u get this "dregs" thing, mike? liz def didn't think that way abt the québecois driving examiner. she thot he was "gorgeous," that he had "sensational eyes"; she adored his voice and observed that he must xxercise a lot. that sounds nothing like "dregs." u r just letting yr senseless prejudices prevent u from even c-ing clearly.


  • At 1:36 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, what I have to tell you next isn't good, so brace yourself, Frenchy wouldn't stop screaming "MOM! MOM!" even though Therese told her to shut up, finally Therese picked her up and said we should go somewhere quiet, so we went to a coffee house and Therese ordered three triple espressos for us, even Frenchy, which I thought was weird, but it must be a French thing, because she drank it, anyway, even though it looked like Frenchy had shrunk back to toddler size, she was still talking like a Ph.D., she said, "Mom, I haven't seen you for a long time!" and Therese said she'd been busy, and then Therese said she'd sent Frenchy some nice stuff, and didn't Frenchy like the stuff, and Frenchy said, "Yes, I guess so," and then she added, "But I don't want things, Mama! I want you!", and Therese looked kind of freaked out, and you are probably thinking what was I doing during this time, well, I was sitting there looking depressed, because that day was supposed to be all about me showing Anthony what an awesome wife I would be and now it was going to be all about how Therese was back and Frenchy wants her to come home and for them to be a family again, and for me to take a hike, ugh, it made me miss the days in college, when I had troubles then I would just do a bunch of Jello shots and go to sleep and when I woke up a few days later I couldn't remember my problems anymore, well, now Candace isn't around and I don't remember the recipe for Jello shots, and people think the lavender overalls/puke color turtleneck/animal print coat combo I picked out for Frenchy is bad, and I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED, my gravestone is gonna say "Here lies Miss Elizabeth Patterson, a big fat loser," augh, then I decided right then when I went home I would chug some drain cleaner like Shiimsa is always suggesting to me.



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