April's Real Blog

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

You Know Who Knows it All

Liz has sum more 2 tell abt her mall xcursion w/Anthony an' Françoise:

So, to continue my story, after that embarrassing part where I had to admit I was distracted, I decided I had to take drastic measures to make Anthony think of me as wife-type material, well, I saw my reflection in a store window and I was looking pretty good in my outfit, very frumpy and wife-like, I had on a ultra-thick sweater that conceals my curves, and a blue car coat, and a dull brown pocketbook, and a boring ponytail, and I even had that mom-type front-butt look going on in my khaki slacks, I have never looked more wifely, so I grabbed Anthony on impulse and dragged him over to the window and cried out, "Oh Anthony, isn't it the cutest thing?" and I totally didn't even have a particular toy in mind, I just pointed at one that looked reasonable in the display, but fortunately Anthony agreed, but he said, "It's hard to buy anything because of 'you know who,'" and so I promised to take that rotten Frenchy around the mall while he bought the toy and hid it in the car, well of course that wily Frenchy, she knew just what was up, she asked if we were talking about her, and I asked why she would say that, and she said, "You know who knows you know what!" and then I asked her, how old are you again, 7 or 8, because some of my students are not that advanced, but Frenchy just cackled an evil laugh and said, "Francie knows all!" and then I kind of panicked, because that would mean she knows about my boarding school plan, but just then she said, "Oh look," and pointed at this train ride for little kids, and I said, "You're too old for that," and she said, "I'm only two, dummy," and then I got so confused, I mean, she seems older than two, I really hope Frenchy doesn't outwit me, I need to get married like now.

LOLOL, yeah, that kid sure didn't get her brains from Anthony. And she totally acts older than her age. Can U imagine Robin talking like that? And he's four months older than Francie!

Mike, I think it was pretty irresponsible of U 2 let Merrie wander over 2 our house all by herself @, like, ten o'clock last nite. She just showed up and sed she wanted 2 play Sims 2. Then she insisted on creating a male Sims called Attic Guy and making him live in a shack all by himself and have no bathroom or bed, so he keeps piddling himself and collapsing on the floor when he has 2 sleep. And no shower, so he gets all stinky and has flies all over him. NEway, Mom sez she will bring Merrie back over there this morning rite after breakfast.


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  • At 7:17 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Tell your sister not to worry. She isn't the only of Angsthony's girls who'll be getting a present she reeeeeeeally wants this Christmas. I'd use the word 'bling-bling' to refer to the engagement ring he pre-ordered but you're the only person in your family who knows what that word means.

  • At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Françoise Caine said…

    Ha ha, I am preternaturally mature! Although I am but a mere two and three quarters years old, I have the intellect and skills to mastermind a world takeover! All shall be mine!


    Aw, nuts, I hafta go to the baffroom.

    Françoise Caine, La Fille La Plus Chouette

  • At 8:07 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dc2, i m pretty sure liz has been practicing "for better or for worse" in the mirror, over and over.

    françoise, merrie suggests playing the sims as a way of getting out yr frustrations w/"the bigs."


  • At 11:17 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    My students showed me that Sim game, it is very interesting, they made this little house with a apartment on the back that looks just like my teacherage in Mtigwhatever, and they made a teacher that looks just like me, but she is soooooo dumb, she keeps doing things like getting electrocuted and caught on fire and sick from all the cockroaches in her place, ha ha, I laugh so hard at that and so do the kids, well what I wanted to say is, does Merrie know that in Sims 2 you can make a real house with an attic on it, that would be a good place for a character called "attic guy," also, Robin can talk?, I never knew that.


  • At 2:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i did mention 2 merrie that she can make a house w/an attic, but she sed, "that's 2 gd 4 attic guy! put him in a shack!" also, robin talks, but not much. mostly he sez stuff like, "need baffroom."

    my friend keesha has a lil bro in yr class, lamar. keesha showed me sum screen caps lamar made from that "miss patterson" sims. they're pretty funny.


  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    No, that is not a Miss Patterson sim, her name is "Miss Fatterson," it's clearly not me, it's just, like, a generic teacher, my students love me, they wouldn't want to ever set me on fire or make me die, and besides, the bun on the Miss Fatterson sim is not the same as my bun, I kind of have bangs.


  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew, i just saw the screencap of miss fatterson eating the green food with bugs all over it! and she's got all those flies swarming around her, and she smells her pits and makes a face, but then just shrugs like there is nuthing she can do. hysterical.


  • At 4:58 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Thanks for introducing my daughter to drugs with your Sims 2 Attic Guy. My lovely wife, Deanna, said to me, “Well, Mike. It is obvious you have not had your talk with the kids about drugs and their proper pharmaceutical use. Merrie had her Attic Guy. Obviously a misspelling of Addict Guy.” I told my wife that it was some kind of running joke you have about how I used to work in the attic back in our old apartment, but my wife said, “Mike. You have never piddled yourself and you don’t sleep on the floor, which are the signs of drug addiction, not working in an attic. I am going to have to give April a stern lecture on exposing our daughter to this kind of information. First the dog food, and now this. What was she thinking? I am beginning to believe that your mom has been right all these years about her. I am thinking about getting a new sitter for our kids. I have heard that Françoise Caine might be good at baby-sitting.”

    I tried to tell Deanna that Françoise Caine was a half-Quebecoise and would be unsuitable and that she was also younger than our son. My wife said, “Sometimes you don’t pick your baby-sitters because of age, but because of maturity. I would put a mature half-Quebecoise girl higher on the list than an angst-ridden auntie trying to get our children into drugs.”

    So, if Deanna stops by to visit, that’s the reason why.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:36 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i don’t get this “jeremy” sim guy ur niece made. iz that supposed 2b me? & how cum he keeps gettin’ struck by lightning ovah & ovah again? i don’t get it.

  • At 7:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I know this may be considered to be a gross betrayal of our friendship and disloyalty to my wife Beatrice, but I have actually visited The Toy Chest store. It’s not that I don’t like Lilliput’s. It puts food on our table, but I have to admit that ever since Lilliput’s started selling your brother’s book Stone Season in mass quantities, there are just not as many toys as there used to be.

    The last time I was in Lilliput’s, I made this complaint to Moira Kinney, the owner, and unfortunately your mother heard me. Then I got this unusual lecture on how Stone Season was the perfect toy for the Holiday Season. At first I didn’t know what she was talking about until she showed me the little dresses you can put on the book. Your mother said, “With these outfits, you can accessorize Stone Season to satisfy the desires of any young girl who is tired of those old kinds of dolls that wet and cry and talk to you.” Then she took a copy of Stone Season and slung it across the store and said, “And for the boys, the Stone Season glider. It’s remarkably aerodynamic, and goes further in the air than most other books.”

    I told her I would be shopping for two girls 10 and 12. Your mother said, “Those are precious ages, when a young girl is first starting to become a woman and wants to impress that special boy. For her we have Stone Season bra stuffers. One in each cup and no man can tear his eyes from you.” Then she slipped a few into hers, and sure enough, I could hear gasps and crashes across the store. She said, “What did I tell you?”

    I said, “My daughters are a little too young for that.” She said, “Nonsense, one of my daughters was dating when she was just 11 years old. Who was it? Elizabeth? Merrie? I can’t remember.” I said, “April.” She said, “Oh no. The best time to buy Stone Season is in December. By the time April comes around, we will be all sold out of Stone Season.” I said, “No. Your daughter, April.” She said, “My daughter April what?” I said, “Started dating when she was 11.” She said, “What does that have to do with Stone Season?” I said, “Absolutely nothing.” It was about this time, my wife Beatrice strained a muscle from rolling her eyes so much, and I had to tend to her needs. Then I made a hasty exit, before I had to get any more suggestions from your mom.

    Needless to say, The Toy Chest store is where I went. Now that I know your sister went there too, I don’t feel so bad. Maybe she had the same experience at Lilliput’s I did.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, in case u r wondering, dee is still here. she started 2 give me a lecture, like u sed she mite, so i gave her a lil demo of sims2 so she'd understand what they do and what the game is about. next thing i knew, she was grabbing the controls from me, and she added "pharmacy gal" 2 merrie's saved game. she had pharmacy gal stop by the shack 2 laff @ attic guy b4 going off 2 build herself a mansion. now she's filling it w/heart-shaped beds and high-end appliances. i wish i cd get the controls back, but @ least she understands there's no connection 2 drugs.

    jeremy, i don't think the sims-jeremy was supposta b u. mayB jeremy duncan?

    howard, i m sorry u hadta go thru that w/my mom. she's v. insisty abt mike's book.


  • At 12:35 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, I hate to have to tell you this part, but here is where my wonderful tale of Elizabeth on the road to wifedom goes awry, I was walking Frenchy around, showing her stuff, like we saw these mechanical figures, and I was like, "Look at this elf! He's making a toy with his little hammer!" and Frenchy said, "What do you think I am, a bozo? I can see that with my own two eyes," so then I dragged her to the next mechanical figure, which was a reindeer, because I am not about to be undone in the showing how I can be a good stepmom department, and I said, "Look how Rudolph's nose! What color is it?" and Frenchy said, "Every moron in Canada knows that Rudolph's nose is red," and since she answered me a little nicer that time, I showed her the snowman, and pointed out how he moved and talked, but this time, Frenchy forgot to insult me, she was distracted, and I thought we were about to bond over a common problem with getting distracted, but then Frenchy excitedly said, "That's my mom over there, Elizabeth! That's my mom!" which kind of surprised me, since she abandoned Frenchy like a zillion years ago, how does Frenchy know what she looks like?, but she does, and I think this is proof that Frenchy is an evil sorceress, well, Frenchy took off running toward Therese, screaming, "MOM!" and naturally I charged after her, screaming, "Francie! Wait!" because nothing is more dangerous than running up to your mom in a sparsely populated shopping mall, well I could tell Therese was not pleased but Frenchy threw herself against Therese and stood on tiptoe so she could bury her face in Therese's crotch, what a totally weird way to greet your mom, but maybe that's how the French do it, I hear they're perverts, anyway, Therese looked very fashionable as usual, but of course she is nothing in comparison to my very frumpy wifely self, I was looking super wife-tastic that day, and I was surprised she is still living in Milborough because everyone knows Milborough is for family people only, there is even a sign at the city limits that says, "If you don't like kids and soul-crushing marriages, get out!!!", but there she was, so I said, "Hello Therese," while Frenchy took some deep smells of her crotch, and Therese said, "Hello Elizabeth" in her smirky way, and I thought to myself how there are lots of surprises this time of year, like how it doesn't make sense that Therese is still hanging around our town or that Frenchy recognizes her or that we all thought this week was going to be about me FINALLY GETTING ENGAGED but instead it is going to turn out to be about how Frenchy misses Therese or something, what a bore, besides, gah, what idiot doesn't prefer a Pattermom to a Frenchymom?, in spite of her appearing smartness I think Frenchy is a little retarded.



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