April's Real Blog

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

They've only just begun ... 2 bore U!

So, after Jeremy an' I left Howard's place last nite, we were walking back 2 my house, and who shd we run in2 but Anthony. He had Fran├žoise on his shoulders, and she was, like, asleep, using Ant's head as a pillow.

Anthony was all, "Hello, future sister-in-law and her consort!" Jeremy sed, "Isn't it a bit l8 2 B out w/yr not-even-3-yo? She's so xxhausted she's fallen asleep." Anthony sed, "Don't mind her. I'm not the kind of parent who rearranges his life 2 accomod8 a yung child. She has 2 learn 2 fit in2 my life!" I sed, "She's v. v. yung, Anthony. U have 2 make sum adjustments. . . ." And he cut me off, "Stuff and nonsense!" I sed, "Oh, gah, U picked that up fr. Mike, didn't U?" And he sed, "Yr brother is a published author and Milborough's reigning celebrity! Y wdn't I pick up sum of his language usage?" I bonked myself on the head w/my hand then, cuz I didn't know what 2 say. Anthony was all, "C? U don't even know what 2 say! If U paid closer attention 2 the published author in yr family, and emul8ed his speech habits, U wd alwayz know what 2 say!" Jeremy jumped 2 my defence and sed, "There's nuthing wrong w/being speechless every 1ce in a while! Even Mike was speechless when Weed asked him 2 make a speech @ that party @ Weed's place, or so I hear. And just cuz Mike nearly always sez whatev st00pid thing pops in2 his hed doesn't make him brilliant, it makes him an idiot!"

Anthony was like, "Pish posh! But since it's the holiday seazon, I will let that comment slide. I M 2 xxcited abt my future w/Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth 2 let the snide comments of teenagers ruin my bouyant mood!" I sed, "U can call her 'Liz' U know." And he sed, "Didn't U get the memo?" I sed, "Sure, and after I shredded it, it made an xxcellent liner 4 Butterscotch the dog-rabbit's cage, @ the Pattermanse."

Anthony shook his hed. "U really R out of step w/the rest of yr family." And I sed, "Thanx!" Ant was like, "NEway. Yr SIL Deanna seemed v. relieved 2 C her parents leave Sunday nite, er, 'Xmas,' even tho her father was v. flattering, saying, 'That was a luvly Xmas dinner, Deanna.' Dee sed, 'Thanx, Dad,' and Mrs. Sobinski sed, 'Gd nite, dear.' Then it was our turn 2 leave. I wanted 2 stay longer, but that pesky Mira had made such a big deal abt the fact that Francie had fallen asleep, I had 2 leave just 2 save face. So Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth and I put on our coats, and we got Francie in2 hers w/out waking her up. I picked her up so she was facing me, w/her hed resting on my shoulder. Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth put a hand on my shoulder and I cd sense that she was looking @ Francie tenderly. Ha-ha, my plan is working! Oh, where was I? Yes, so I told Michael and Deanna, 'I think we'll B taking this one home. She's had a big day.' And Deanna sed, 'I'm so glad U cd come, Anthony.'"

Jeremy cut in w/"Hey, if this story has a pt, feel free 2 get 2 it." Anthony ignored him and went on, "When I was loading Francie in2 the car seat, which Officer Luggsworth forced me 2 buy, BTW, the little scamp woke 2 ask, 'Daddy? Is everything over? And I sed, 'No, sweetheart.' BTW, we'd loaded the car w/gifts, including a couple of plush-toys: a reindeer and a bunny. Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth told me that the bunny showed that Francie has officially been accepted in2 the family! Well, I got in2 the driver's seat, and remembered the question Francie had asked. I continued my 'No, sweetheart' answer in my hed, 'I think everything's abt 2 begin.'" By then, Francie had fallen asleep, and Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth had one of those blank looks I luv so much."

I sed, "W8 a minute. Do U EVER give yr daughter a str8 answer abt NEthing? Poor kid, all she meant was whether the nite's festivities were over. Yr 'no' answer made her think U were, like, continuing 2 another party." Ant shook his hed. "Yr brother is rite. U really R a killjoy. Giving str8 answers 2 small children? Who does that? Where's the comedy?"

I turned 2 Jeremy an' sed, "We have 2 promote that Francie therapy-fund website as much as we can. Poor kid." Anthony shook his hed and sed, "Well, I M not letting the official sourpuss of the Patterson family destroy my good mood. I'm going 2 keep walking around until sunrise and then wake up this little rugrat and tell her the sky is on fire!" Jeremy sed, "I'm going 2 get on that therapy site rite away and make another contribution." And I sed, "same here."

That's it 4 now.


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  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    With Antbreath calling the shots, Francie is guarantted never to hear the straight facts about anything. The nominally male component of that two-headed monster is too deceitful and smug to be honest and the female, too mean-spirited and lazy. Just hold your nose, wait for the kid to shoot the freaks and be the best alibi witness you can be.

  • At 4:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    there'd prolly b a strong case 4 justifiable homicide, eh?


  • At 6:41 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    You know it. Despite what the Johnston Institute says, messing with children's heads is as bad an idea as standing there like a goof while they race around and hurt themselves.

  • At 1:04 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well after we left and got in the car after dinner Anthony drove me to my apartment and we were quiet the whole way with nothing to talk about as usual until we got to my apartment, at which point Anthony said, "Here's your apartment," which was good, because sometimes I don't recognize it, and then he so thoughtfully asked me if I had my keys, because I tend to lose them a lot, which is why Ugly Brother gave me Super Glue for Christmas, he keeps saying I should glue the keys to my hand, ha ha!, anyway, then I said, "Yes," because I did have my keys, I came up with a non-glue solution, I keep my key on a chain around my neck, like the latchkey kids in Mtigwaki do, anyway, I said, "I'm glad you liked my family," and Anthony said, "I've always liked your family, Liz," which confused me, until I remembered that oh yeah, we dated for like a million years, so Anthony met them a bunch of times before, gosh, I can be so dumb sometimes!, I also thought Anthony must be confused, because he called me "Liz," and I know he got that memo, anyway, before I could correct him, he said something about how Francie got along great with Robin and Merrie, which he seemed to think was a good thing, which confused me, because who cares if Francie gets along with them?, it's not important, but Anthony was talking about my family getting along with what is technically sort of his family, and I figured that was a good sign, so I said it was a blessing, or whatever, some nonsense stuff like Mom told me to talk whenever I don't understand what's going on, anyhow, it worked, Anthony touched me (appropriate like on the shoulder and arm) and said I was a blessing in his life, he said it like two times, and I almost said "I'm not deaf" but then I decided maybe he was just trying to say I'm like a super blessing, anyway, I tried to look demure, but then Anthony backed off, so I gave him a chaste hug to get him thinking of romancy stuff again, and he started talking about how we had some "intense relationships" and "great adventures" and that confused me, I was wondering what great adventures he thought he had, I mean, all he did was hang out in Milborough and marry Therese, it's not like he went up north and became totally Native like me and got a spirit name, I was about to complain about that, but then Anthony said something about wondering where life would take us next, and I was like, Duh, we're supposed to get married and have babies and live in Milborough forever and ever! but I didn't say that, I decided to give him a vague hint like a proper Patterson lady does, I said, "Let's go home, Anthony," because if we were sharing a home, we would obviously be married, and this was supposed to be a hint that he should marry me and make us a home, but instead Anthony thought it was permission for a booty call, and he said, "Yes, let's go home," and started up the car and drove us back to his house!!!, I was freaking out, as you know, if a Patterson or Richards woman Does It with a man, her special allure goes away and they never marry you, that happened with me and Eric and I am not letting it happen again!!!, I was totally freaking out the whole time we were driving back to his place, about how to keep Anthony from doing the sexy stuff with me, I remembered how Mom says it's best to wear ugly flannel nightgowns, and face cream at night, and complain about headaches or hot flashes or worries about the children or a malfunctioning sphincter, and scratch your ass a lot, and that keeps away the s-e-x, but I didn't know what to do, and Anthony's manly passions were so inflamed, he kept revving the engine on his station wagon and roaring, "I'm taking you HOOOOOOOME, baby!", and then Frenchy would wake up and whine and say stuff like, "Papa, could you please keep the decibel level below 100 when I am trying to enter REM sleep?" and Anthony would say, "Oh, I'm sorry Francie, Daddy just got his foot stuck under the accelerator and a few toes were amputated, I'm just bleeding to death up here, no worries, ha ha!" and then Frenchy would freak out like the little jerk she is and scream herself silly, until she fell back to sleep, and Anthony would gun the engine again and shout something like, "Papa's getting LAAAAAIIID!!!" and then Frenchy would wake up again and scream, and on and on it went.

    More about what happened tomorrow, it was like a nightmare, so I can't tell all the details now, I need to get a decent night's sleep before I am strong enough to tell you, don't worry, I will leave out some details, if I tell you the true nature of manly passions April I am afraid you will decide once and for all never to get married, and Mom made me promise not to scar you like that, she is so sure you are going to turn out to be one of those dried-up career women who doesn't realize marriage, babies, and Milborough are the keys to happiness in life, all I can say is, they better be, what I have gone through was not pretty, but my allure is at least intact it seems.



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