A premonition for the Sunday people

I only got a coupla hrs of sleep after Liz's bachelorette party that went till dawn (not 2 b confused w/Dawn w/a capital "D"). But I still woke up knowing sum more deets on Liz's wedding day. But I kinda think these deets mite B sumwhat outta sequence and compressed, like they're a special assortment 4 the ppl who only get 2 hear abt us on Sundays.

So, like, I'm gonna tell Mom that Annie sez they'll B serving vegetarian nibbles w/dips on the side, and Mom will think, "Nibbles and dips?" I think this mite B a stupid reference 2 "kibbles and bits," but whatevs. Actually the nibbles and dips will B vegan (thanx 4 that lil concession 2 me, Annie), but I won't wanna confuse Mom more than she already is.

Dee will come up 2 Mom all, "Michael sez the musicians have arrived. ....When do U think they shd start?" Mira will say, "I have the flower girls dressed, but I can't find their baskets!" I'll say, "Aunt Georgia wants 2 know where 2 put all the gifts, Mom."

Dee will find a cuff link and ask Mom if it belongs w/one of the tuxes. I'll take a call from Anthony's mom and share that she wants sum1 2 take photos of the cake B4 it's cut. (That shd B a big "duh," cuz who doesn't do that automatically, but I guess she knows abt my fam and the Pattersnarfing.)

Robin will ask, "Who gets 2 go in the 1st limousine?" Merrie (holding the flower-girl basket that will have been found) will wanna know, "When do we get started?" Mira will ask, "Has NE1 seen the hair brush?"

Mom will sit @ the kitchen table and go all flabbergasty w/"::SIGH:: ...Elizabeth [LIZ!] and Anthony wanted a SIMPLE wedding, John. ....How did it turn in2 such a production?" Dad will put a hand on ea of Mom's shoulders and go, "I guess every1 wanted 2 B a part of it, El. Every1 wants it 2 B a wonderful, magical day." Then he'll lean down, hug her from behind, and go, "It's as simple as that." And mom will smile weakly.

Beatrice, sorry abt my sister being such a mean drunk @ her bachelorette party. I think she feels the need 2 reassure herself that she hasn't lost her "Patterson allure."

Apes

Dee, kids, and Mira

Weird. I woke up realizing I hadn't had another precognition abt Liz's wedding day, 23 August. But then I came over here, checked the comments 2 last nite's blog entry, and found that patrickrsghost had had a psychic dream abt it! Here's what he wrote:

After eating a large hot fudge sundae last night, I had a strange dream.

I was sitting in front of my TV, and it suddenly came on. I saw an image of a living room that I didn't recognize at first, until I realized it was the living room of your old house, Mike and Dee's house. I saw three kids dressed in teal and lavender clothing, and when they came into focus, it turned out to be Merrie, Frenchy, and Robin. They were chasing each other in the living room (are Mike and Dee still in the same house your parents once owned? I didn't recognize that portion of the living room), with Merrie saying "SHREIK!" and Frenchy saying "GIGGLE!" while Robin chased her, reaching out to grab her. Dee came into the room and said "Robin, Francie, and Meredith! Stop running around!" The camera then panned to a different view, showing the back of them, and Dee escorting them into an adjoining room. She then said "You're going to get dirty. Sit down and behave your-selves." Yes, she did hyphenate "yourselves". They then began playing with each other on the magically colour-changing couch, that turned itself teal to match the girls' dresses, and began to NUDGE. BOP! POKE! and GIGGLE!. The camera then panned away and went back onto Dee and Mira, and Dee said, "Mom, all I want to do is keep them clean and calm until after the wedding!" Mira then replied, after putting a hand on Dee's shoulder, "I'll help with that, dear." She then walked into the room with the Teal Couch and after losing her eyes, she looked down at them, held out a bowl, and said, "Here...have some candy." while Dee looked in on them all gobsmacked. That's right Mira. Calm them down and keep them clean with lots of sugar.

NE1 think it's strange that my brother's mother-in-law was invited 2 my sister's wedding? I think the reason is moments like this one that patrickrsghost described. Sum1 figured we needed a "villain," eh?

Apes

They've only just begun ... 2 bore U!

So, after Jeremy an' I left Howard's place last nite, we were walking back 2 my house, and who shd we run in2 but Anthony. He had Françoise on his shoulders, and she was, like, asleep, using Ant's head as a pillow.

Anthony was all, "Hello, future sister-in-law and her consort!" Jeremy sed, "Isn't it a bit l8 2 B out w/yr not-even-3-yo? She's so xxhausted she's fallen asleep." Anthony sed, "Don't mind her. I'm not the kind of parent who rearranges his life 2 accomod8 a yung child. She has 2 learn 2 fit in2 my life!" I sed, "She's v. v. yung, Anthony. U have 2 make sum adjustments. . . ." And he cut me off, "Stuff and nonsense!" I sed, "Oh, gah, U picked that up fr. Mike, didn't U?" And he sed, "Yr brother is a published author and Milborough's reigning celebrity! Y wdn't I pick up sum of his language usage?" I bonked myself on the head w/my hand then, cuz I didn't know what 2 say. Anthony was all, "C? U don't even know what 2 say! If U paid closer attention 2 the published author in yr family, and emul8ed his speech habits, U wd alwayz know what 2 say!" Jeremy jumped 2 my defence and sed, "There's nuthing wrong w/being speechless every 1ce in a while! Even Mike was speechless when Weed asked him 2 make a speech @ that party @ Weed's place, or so I hear. And just cuz Mike nearly always sez whatev st00pid thing pops in2 his hed doesn't make him brilliant, it makes him an idiot!"

Anthony was like, "Pish posh! But since it's the holiday seazon, I will let that comment slide. I M 2 xxcited abt my future w/Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth 2 let the snide comments of teenagers ruin my bouyant mood!" I sed, "U can call her 'Liz' U know." And he sed, "Didn't U get the memo?" I sed, "Sure, and after I shredded it, it made an xxcellent liner 4 Butterscotch the dog-rabbit's cage, @ the Pattermanse."

Anthony shook his hed. "U really R out of step w/the rest of yr family." And I sed, "Thanx!" Ant was like, "NEway. Yr SIL Deanna seemed v. relieved 2 C her parents leave Sunday nite, er, 'Xmas,' even tho her father was v. flattering, saying, 'That was a luvly Xmas dinner, Deanna.' Dee sed, 'Thanx, Dad,' and Mrs. Sobinski sed, 'Gd nite, dear.' Then it was our turn 2 leave. I wanted 2 stay longer, but that pesky Mira had made such a big deal abt the fact that Francie had fallen asleep, I had 2 leave just 2 save face. So Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth and I put on our coats, and we got Francie in2 hers w/out waking her up. I picked her up so she was facing me, w/her hed resting on my shoulder. Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth put a hand on my shoulder and I cd sense that she was looking @ Francie tenderly. Ha-ha, my plan is working! Oh, where was I? Yes, so I told Michael and Deanna, 'I think we'll B taking this one home. She's had a big day.' And Deanna sed, 'I'm so glad U cd come, Anthony.'"

Jeremy cut in w/"Hey, if this story has a pt, feel free 2 get 2 it." Anthony ignored him and went on, "When I was loading Francie in2 the car seat, which Officer Luggsworth forced me 2 buy, BTW, the little scamp woke 2 ask, 'Daddy? Is everything over? And I sed, 'No, sweetheart.' BTW, we'd loaded the car w/gifts, including a couple of plush-toys: a reindeer and a bunny. Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth told me that the bunny showed that Francie has officially been accepted in2 the family! Well, I got in2 the driver's seat, and remembered the question Francie had asked. I continued my 'No, sweetheart' answer in my hed, 'I think everything's abt 2 begin.'" By then, Francie had fallen asleep, and Eeeeeeeeelihhhhhhhhhzaaaaaahhhhhbehhhhth had one of those blank looks I luv so much."

I sed, "W8 a minute. Do U EVER give yr daughter a str8 answer abt NEthing? Poor kid, all she meant was whether the nite's festivities were over. Yr 'no' answer made her think U were, like, continuing 2 another party." Ant shook his hed. "Yr brother is rite. U really R a killjoy. Giving str8 answers 2 small children? Who does that? Where's the comedy?"

I turned 2 Jeremy an' sed, "We have 2 promote that Francie therapy-fund website as much as we can. Poor kid." Anthony shook his hed and sed, "Well, I M not letting the official sourpuss of the Patterson family destroy my good mood. I'm going 2 keep walking around until sunrise and then wake up this little rugrat and tell her the sky is on fire!" Jeremy sed, "I'm going 2 get on that therapy site rite away and make another contribution." And I sed, "same here."

That's it 4 now.

Apes

The So-Called Adult Table

So, Merry Xmas! Of course, U mite remember my fam celebr8ed Xmas a couple of days early, all so the meal part of the storytelling cd fall on Xmas day. NEway, Mike has this 2 share abt what happed in the dining rm while I was releg8ed 2 the kiddie table in the kitchen:

April,

Formerly little sis. Merry Christmas from the adult table. Sometimes it is those last minute changes at Christmas, which make things exciting. For example, after having changed out the glass in the door at the end of our dining room and having changed the light fixture from when mom lived here, who would have ever suspected that Deanna would make me change them again at the last minute. Literally, we were playing with the napkins and setting the table for Christmas Dinner when Deanna said to me, “Michael. I want a whole new light fixture. I want the one with 5 different little lights, almost like a chandelier. And those glass doors, I want the glass to be plain like it was before, but the bottom part to be wooden, almost as if it was a china cabinet than glass doors.” Well, I made those changes; but just barely.

But then, Deanna decided that all the women had to wear dresses and their shoes had to be from the same design, only with their shoes matching their dress colour and no lady could be wearing the same colour. I am sure you heard part of that argument. But Deanna won, and everyone’s shoes were colour-coordinated.

But then, Deanna decided that all the men needed to sit in chairs with raised bottoms, of the chairs and not the men, even though the net effect was the same. Deanna said it would symbolize the fact that men’s feet didn’t touch the ground even though women’s did, and this would be a good symbol for Christmas. Well, I spent the better part of the day, padding chairs, but it did work. My feet, and every other man’s feet did not touch the ground when we were sitting down for the Christmas Dinner. The exception of course, was Grandpa Jim, who took Iris’ chair. So Iris’ feet dangled, and Grandpa Jim’s didn’t. By the way, I was very surprised when he came and made it to the dining room table just using a cane. It’s hard to believe that just 2 months ago, he could barely stay conscious. I must say, the curative properties of my book Stone Season cannot be underestimated.

But then, Deanna decided that she wanted an Advent candle display on the table, with the candles lit. This was actually fairly pretty, and would have worked out if Anthony hadn’t leaned into them and singed off part of his eyebrow. I am not sure why Anthony sat right in front of those candles.

But then Deanna and mom got into it about mom’s decision to wear a sweater over her shoulders and keep her hair in a bun. Apparently, when Deanna was sending out the notification about the women’s dress code, our mom ignored it and wore her hair in a bun and she wore the sweater too. Mom’s argument was that if Mira Sobinski was going to wear a low-cut dress showing off her cleavage like a pole dancer, then she was going to wear the garments of a proper lady.

But then Deanna and her mom got into an argument about whether or not it was judicious to include the dogs in on the family meal, if you and the children were left out. Finally it was decided it was more important to try to teach the dogs good manners by putting them in the presence of adults, than to include the kids in the meal. It didn’t really matter. Grandpa Jim ‘s old dog passed out from all the Havarti, he slipped her on the side.

After all these last minute changes were made, we finally got to the dinner. We were sitting down with the food in front of us, all ready to wolf it down in seconds, when you would not believe what Mira Sobinski had the nerve to do. She said, “Now…Shall I say grace?” At first I thought she was going to just say the word, “Grace” and then we could and would start eating. But she actually started talking and she was saying things like, “Thank you for families who can get together over Christmas. Thank you for this meal my daughter and all the many hands who have laboured over it.” Simply ridiculous stuff. Now, if you can remember back to 2002, when I did the grace, that was a great prayer. People were practically begging for me to say grace at every meal. That’s how it should be done. Short, sweet, and so impersonal it could have been said about any family on any occasion.

Well, Mira’s prayer went on and on and on. In fact, there came a point where I opened my eyes and took a look at the thought balloons beside me. Deanna was thinking, “Mom, please hurry. Everything’s getting cold.” This was kind of a funny one when you think about how Deanna’s mom’s food was brought all the way over from Burlington, and it had to be reheated when they got here. Dad was thinking, “She always goes on and on and on!” Right dad! Kind of like watching a train go around a track. Dad is always thinking in train metaphors. Then mom was thinking, “Snore”. I found out later, she had eaten so much dessert before she came to the dinner, that it had caused him [her] to fall asleep. I was thinking, “Come on, Mira! Enough already!” That’s because I wanted her to stop. Iris was thinking, “Smells good anyway.” I suppose that’s her old lady confirmation that her nose still works. Elizabeth was sitting beside me and not beside Anthony because (and this is so typical of her), Anthony and she are “just friends.” So, to prove this she sat by me. Liz was thinking, “Hungry!!” What can I say about that? That’s Liz. Grandpa Jim was thinking, “Sometimes, I think we have no idea just how fortunate we really are!” Yes, April, Grandpa Jim wanted to do the prayer, and since Mira took it over from him, he just decided to think the prayer he planned to do. Thanks goodness he can’t talk.

I would tell you what Wilf Sobinski was thinking, but really, who cares? Anthony Caine was thinking, “I think I smell something burning” and he was right. Who would have known his eyebrows would be so flammable.

So, you see, April, you really didn’t miss much at Christmas Dinner.

Love,
Michael Patterson

This story has been brought 2 U by the fact that my fam is full of awful ppl. What terrible thots they were having just cuz Mira was saying grace! Oh, noes, they cdn't dig rite in! I'm sure the food was turning 2 ice in the minute it took 4 her 2 talk.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, I told the children, "It's traditional 2 begin by saying grace." And Françoise sed, "May I?" And I sed, "Sure, Y not?"

Then she was like, "Although I am about two and a half months short of my third birthday, I have an unrealistically advanced vocabulary and verbal maturity. Therefore, it is only fitting that I should deliver the grace before this meal. I am thankful that the Patterson family was gracious enuf 2 invite me and my daddy, even tho both sets of my grandparents were anxious 2 C us 2day. Daddy sed being part of the Patterson clan wd mean cutting off ties with them. And that makes me sad. But I digress. I thank the Lord Almighty for this meal before us, though it looks as though most of it is inedible. Thank you, Lord, for having April bring in the couscous cakes, the lentil dish, and the salade sans doigts. Thank you for this gathering, even tho the adults have seen fit 2 sequester the minors in a kiddie ghetto. Thank you for another year on this earth, and may the next year bring us peace, prosperity, and renewable energy so that we can eliminate our dependence on fossil fuels. Amen!"

NEway, that's what was happening in the kitchen.

Apes

Dee an' Merrie Exposit

Mike sez this:

April,

Formerly little sis. The smell of turkey wafted through the air as the life of Leonard Driscoll in my second novel Breaking the Windjammer, came to me. Leonard is on leave from the sea life to visit his family at Christmas. As he approaches his childhood home, he opens the door and is not prepared for the onrush of well-wishes. “Leonard!” they cry, happy to see him safe and sound and returned from his adventures. They ask him about the scar on his forehead he got from the pirate queen who nearly ran him through before she fell for his manly charms and he for hers. They ask him about the rough life of the sea. They come to him crying about how all these people are coming to his house and no one is bringing presents and just food and how mommy thinks that is a present, when it really isn’t a present and how it just isn’t fair.

It’s Leonard’s little sister. No. OK. It’s my daughter. Let’s see what is upsetting her.

All right. She says she was in the kitchen with mommy and she said, “Is everyone coming to our house, mom?” Mommy was busy making her very first turkey in a giant pan. She said, “Yes. We have the most space!” Then my daughter said, “That’s not true. Grandma Mira’s place is bigger than ours.” Then I said, “Did you say that to your mother?” Then my daughter said, “No. But I thought it.” I told her she had done the right thing.

My daughter continued and said she said, “Are they gonna bring anything?” I said, “That’s ‘going to’ not ‘gonna’. You don’t want that half-Quebecoise kid coming to Christmas dinner to think you’re stupid. Continue, please.”

My daughter said, “Then mommy said, ‘Uh-huh! Grandma Elly is bringing dessert.’” I laughed a little at that. My daughter said, “Why are you laughing?” I said, “That dessert will never make it out of mom’s house. They will eat it all.” My daughter said, “Oh. Then mommy said, ‘Grandma Mira is bringing bread and potatoes.’” I said, “Typical. Grandma Mira is trying to show she is better than we are by bringing the most practical foods.” My daughter said, “This is bad?” I said, “Of course. Bread and potatoes are very filling.” My daughter looked confused.

Then she said, “Mommy said, ‘Elizabeth and Anthony are bringing salads and Iris is bringing the wine!’” I said, “What a disaster. Elizabeth and Anthony with food that has to be fresh. At least it’s a salad, and no one in the family will eat it, unless they fry it. Have you ever had mom’s fried salad?” My daughter said, “No.” I said, “It’s delicious. If you put enough batter on something, you don’t have to worry about if it’s fresh or not.”

My daughter said, “Oh. I was talking about presents. That’s what I said to mom. And then she said, ‘Speaking as the hostess, Meredith…Those are presents!'” I said, “What? No presents? Just food!?” Then I ran into the kitchen where Deanna was and said, “No presents!!! This is horrible! How can I write when there are not going to be any presents!”

Then Deanna explained that there were going to be presents, but as the hostess she considered the food to be the present. I said, “You don’t want any presents aside from the food? But I already got you something.” Deanna said, “Michael, I was trying to teach our daughter a lesson about the importance of things at Christmas. Everyone pitching in to help with the Christmas Dinner is more important than presents.” I said, “Oh right. Time instead of gifts. Very good, Deanna. That’s an excellent lesson.” My daughter was there and said, “Nuts!”

See you for Christmas Dinner, formerly little sis, assuming you haven’t eaten the dessert already,

Michael Patterson

Mike, U R worrying abt the wrong person when it comes 2 the desserts. I had a few walnuts and 1 cookie. Mom devoured all the rest of the baked goods she'd made, made another batch of everything, ate those, and then went out 2 the store 2 buy more ingredients. Dad suggested mayB she shdn't bake so far in advance, an' she threw a canister of walnuts @ his head.

Oh, and Dee 4got 2 mention that I M bringing cous-cous patties w/spicy tomato topping and daal makhani (an Indian lentil dish that's soooo delish!).

Apes