April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I feel like one of those precogs in Minority Report

I woke up knowing sum more abt the upcoming Lizthony wedding (23 August). Sorry, Mike, nothing abt Dad saying he's proud of you. MayB I'll try and trick him in2 saying he's proud of U, eh? It cd B an interesting rhetorical xxercise.

So, 2day's premonition involves Gordo Mayes driving Anthony 2 the wedding. Unlike Gordo, Anthony will B wearing a lavender bowtie. Gordo will go, "Nervous, Anthony?" And Anthony will B all, "Yes and no..... Yes, because it's my wedding day, and no, because I'm marrying the right girl!" Gah, poor Thérèse. I wonder if Anthony had this convo on his wedding day three yrs B4, only w/him saying, "Yes and yes... Yes, because it's my wedding day, and yes, because I'm marrying the wrong girl! I'm gonna go wait outside the church so I can greet Liz when she gets there!"

Gordo will say, "I've known U both 4 a long time. I've seen U thru a lot of crazy circumstances--an' I gotta say... This feels like it's gonna work. U're doing the rite thing. I guess he'll leave out the bit where he remembers thinking, "Anthony's doing the WRONG thing" 3 yrs earlier. Sure Thérèse wd luv this convo!

NEway, Anthony will then ask Gordo, "Gord, wd U get married a second time? Hypothetically speaking... Wd U?" and Gordo will say, "Yes and no! Yes, because I've had the best marriage a guy cd hope 4! And no, because... ...I've had the best marriage a guy cd hope 4."

The way Gordo'll B talking abt his marriage in the past tense--let's all keep an eye on Tracey! Make sure she's, U know, OK.

Jeremy, I M so glad the side effects of yr JohnPattersonitis vax will B wearing off soon. All the punning, all the talk abt dentistry, trains, and toolkits--glad it's going away!


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  • At 8:17 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    The "problem", of course, is that Awfulny didn't marry a girl the first time out. Instead of the vapid perpetual child of his unholy dreams, he wound up with a woman who had a personality that would conflict with his own. Fortunately for him (but not the world), Liz has no personality of her own to speak of; she has the freakish tendency to become whatever the man who pays most attention to her wants her to be.

  • At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Thérèse Caine said…

    Merci, dreadedcandiru2, for defending me! I do not encounter that very often.

    Thérèse Caine

  • At 9:56 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Aucun de probleme. It bothers me that people played "Let's gang up on the Newcomer" without realizing they did anything wrong.

  • At 10:52 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m rilly glad my johnpattersonitis vaccination will b wearin’ off soon 2. my mom wuz not happ wen i came @her w/the dental floss saying, “ur just flosstrated u have that food stuck between ur teeth.” or wen we were 2gethah & u kinda stopped wut we were doin’ cuz i kept sayin’ “trains goin’ in the tunnel. train’s goin’ outa the tunnel.” ovah & ovah again. then wen u got mad @me cuz i wudn’t stop, i sed, “uh oh, the tunnel’s mad. i better get my toolkit, cuz u look like u wanna socket 2 me. u look wrench-corous, like rancorous, get it?” evn i wanna throw a coffee cup @my head 4 doin’ that 2u. i am so embarrassed; i think my face is john-diced.

    if u were 2 ask me if i wud get that johnpattersonitis vaccination a 2nd tyme, i wud hafta “yes” cuz it will keep me frum being like ur dad in the long run but “no” cuz i am afraid the side fx may have ruined the best relationship w/a gf a guy cud hope 4. if u stick w/me aftah this, i will either luv u 4evah or i will promise u free dental care 4 the rest of ur life or i will use my toolkit 2 do ur minor household repair. it’s 1 of thoze, but i can’t keep my head st8. i need 2 try a new heading, mebbe like a railhead 2 keep my train on the tracks.

  • At 11:08 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Good old Gordon Mayes. There’s a guy you can count on. He is the perfect example of how Anthony should treat Elizabeth when they get married. He so faithful to his wife, Tracey, he would marry her twice, and that’s saying something. There’s many men in Milborough who wouldn’t say the same thing about their wives, especially after years of eating carrot coins and being told “no” in the bedroom. With Tracey, Gordon really has had the best marriage a guy could hope for. Or he should say, the best marriage Gordon Mayes could hope for, since I dated Tracey first. Gordon only got his shot with her when I got that really bad zit, and had Gordon stand in for me with Tracey at that school dance, because I couldn’t be seen in public with that giant zit.

    He took advantage of that opportunity, I will give Gordon that. After my zit was gone, there was no getting Tracey back from Gordon. I wouldn’t want to do that anyway. Gordon had a rough life growing up and he deserves to be married to a great girl like Tracey. Gordon is lucky to have her. Her house is always neat and clean. Her kids are the best-behaved kids in all of Milborough. Gordon’s stomach size is a testimony to Tracey’s good cooking. She’s a fine woman, and perfect for Gordon. I have no regrets I got that zit. None at all. Absolute none. Zip. Nil. Nada. None.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:15 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I didn’t hear back from you yesterday about what kind of “entertainment” your sister would prefer for her bachelorette party this weekend. I have a police officer (OPP, I think), a First Nations chief, a cowboy, a construction worker, a leatherman, a helicopter pilot, and a Royal Canadian Air Force man. She can have them individually or you can get all of them for a package rate, and if you do that, they will do a set of The Village People songs. What would your sister prefer? Let me know so I can go ahead and book them. My wife Beatrice is getting a little anxious.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, i'm sorry i 4got 2 answer u abt the entertainment. i asked liz 4 her opinion, but she stared @ me blankly 4 a full 5 minutes and then sed, "i can't decide. don't bother me w/nemore decisions, april! i'm all done deciding!"

    so, i say let's go w/the entire "village ppl" set.

    jeremy, yeah, that was kind of--well v. v. scary. i'm so glad the side effects of vax r wearing off. by the time i c u after i leave work 2day, it oughta b all gone, according 2 dr. ted. it'll b worth it 4 the immunity--imagine being like that all the time. ::shudder::


  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i luv ur teeth so much i feel like cupid in luv or shud i say, "bi-cupid" like "bicuspid"? mom sez she likes the new me. i have fixed all the little minor household repairs she needed w/my toolkit & i evn repaired 1 of her crownz in her mouth. i am thinkin' she mite need a root canal, but i am not sure i am gettin' 2 the "root" of her dental problemz. i will luv 2cu & ur teeth aftah u get off frum work. ur so beautiful wen u smile. u look just like a model train after it haz been properly cleaned & lubric8ed.

  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger howard said…


    All right. I booked the whole group for your sister's bachelorette party. Beatrice was quite excited. She loves The Village People from when she used to live in the States.

    Just to let you know, I was invited to come to Anthony's bachelor party. I think it was a mistake, since the invite message was for "Beatrice's Alfarero's husband". I don't think it would be very tasteful for me to go, since Anthony Caine and I have an unpleasant history. What do you think?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, no offense, but i need 2 ignore u rite now.

    howard, i called anthony and asked him yr question. "u mite not realize this, but beatrice alfarero is married 2 howard bunt." and anthony was like, "i know that, april. i still haven't had a chance 2 thank howard." weird, eh?


  • At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Dennis North said…

    April, I've also received an invitation to Anthony's bachelor party. I called Lawrence and asked if he thought this might be an error, but he assures me it isn't. He said he helped Gordon address the invitations and that I was definitely on the official list.

    Dennis North, Esq.

  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous Eric Chamberlain said…

    I got an invitation to the bachelor's party, too. At first, I was really confused, because I don't even know this Anthony dude. But there was a little post-it note in the invitation that explained, "Anthony Caine is marrying Elizabeth Patterson, after his ill-fated marriage to Thérèse, which only happened because he heard that Liz was shacking up with you, Eric."

    Eric Chamberlain

  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It sounds like either the bachelor party is going to be a lot of fun, or there is going to be a mass execution. In any case, I haven't seen my old friend Dennis North in ages; so I will probably be there.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:54 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, dental issues do not go away evn if u ignore them. u must floss & brush daily. i wud luv 2 show u proper flossing technique. the trick iz u hafta get the floss under the gums 2 get the placque thass there. just think of the placque like it's a cow on the track & u need the floss 2b like a cowcatcher on the front of the train 2 gently move the placque 2 a safer location. oh, i forgot ur vegan. so think of it like a giant broccoli monster nsteada a cow. the broccoli monster on the clean & perfect railroad tracks & u need the floss 2 remove the flaws. get it floss/flaws? i luv ur smile.

  • At 2:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    it'll pass. it'll pass. it'll pass.

    k, i feel a bit better now.


  • At 2:56 PM, Anonymous Mr. Singh said…

    April, for some reason, I have received an invitation to the bachelor party of your sister Elizabeth's fiancé Anthony. I do not think I have ever met him.

    Mr. Singh

  • At 4:57 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i feel like i have been unconscious 4 a day. 4 sum reasn the gumz in my mouth r rilly sore & sum1 used up all my toothpaste. & there’s a note here that looks like u wrote it, cuz it sez, “i am not a tunnel 4 ur choo-choo train. call me wen u wanna apologize. signed apes.” i guess i apologize, but i am not sure wut 4. mebbe it haz sumthin’ 2 do w/the model train track setup in my room & all these toolkits nailed 2 the wall. 1 think i know 4 sure iz i have a v.v. strong desire 2 not evah b like ur dad, like the thot of him kinda makes me sick 2 my stomach. i guess that vaccination worked. i hope i didn’t do nethin’ 2 bad frum the side fx.

    also, i got an invite 2 anthony's bachelor party. shud i go?

  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, go back and read the comments u wrote earlier 2day and the last comment u made last nite. that'll give u an idea of what u did.

    i accept yr apology. i know it wasn't yr fault.

    def. go 2 the bachelor's party. so u can tell me all abt it!!!


  • At 8:46 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i am so sorry. ur the best gf evah 2 put up w/that. i definitely do not deserve u aftah all that.

    men gymnastics 2nite or did u wanna watch that greco-roman wrestling?

  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gymnastics. u r awesum @ snuggling during gymnastics!


  • At 6:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    After eating a large hot fudge sundae last night, I had a strange dream.

    I was sitting in front of my TV, and it suddenly came on. I saw an image of a living room that I didn't recognize at first, until I realized it was the living room of your old house, Mike and Dee's house. I saw three kids dressed in teal and lavender clothing, and when they came into focus, it turned out to be Merrie, Frenchy, and Robin. They were chasing each other in the living room (are Mike and Dee still in the same house your parents once owned? I didn't recognize that portion of the living room), with Merrie saying "SHREIK!" and Frenchy saying "GIGGLE!" while Robin chased her, reaching out to grab her. Dee came into the room and said "Robin, Francie, and Meredith! Stop running around!" The camera then panned to a different view, showing the back of them, and Dee escorting them into an adjoining room. She then said "You're going to get dirty. Sit down and behave your-selves." Yes, she did hyphenate "yourselves". They then began playing with each other on the magically colour-changing couch, that turned itself teal to match the girls' dresses, and began to NUDGE. BOP! POKE! and GIGGLE!. The camera then panned away and went back onto Dee and Mira, and Dee said, "Mom, all I want to do is keep them clean and calm until after the wedding!" Mira then replied, after putting a hand on Dee's shoulder, "I'll help with that, dear." She then walked into the room with the Teal Couch and after losing her eyes, she looked down at them, held out a bowl, and said, "Here...have some candy." while Dee looked in on them all gobsmacked. That's right Mira. Calm them down and keep them clean with lots of sugar.


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