April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Gordo will provide cars and puns

I woke up knowing sum more abt what'll happen on Liz's wedding day (August 23) and was surprised to realize I'd already gotten up to a "Liz" part. Liz will B sitting as Carleen Stein (Carleen?!?!?!) helps her affix the veil to the back of her hair. Meredith will be standing nearby, holding her flower basket and looking kinda smug. In the background will B three silhouettes. I'll come up 2 Liz and be all, "Gordon's arranged 6 limousines for us, Liz!" And Liz will go, "Six?!!" And then Meredith will go in2 silhouette as I lean in towards Liz and say, "A stretch limo for U and the bridal party. The rest R for family. He's even hired drivers 2 pick every1 up @ their homes!" (As opposed 2 when U get a limo U have 2 drive yrself or all those times U have 2 walk 2 the limo place, eh?)

Liz will go, "Wow." Then Carleen will go in2 silhouette and Liz will say, "I'm stunned! Really! We're going 2 feel like celebrities!!" And I'll say, "Yep!" Then I'll look over my shoulder and tell her, "He sed, 'Mayes Motors never does NEthing half classed!'"

R U thinking it's odd that Liz won't know these transportation deets until the actual day of the wedding? Yeah, that'd B true of most brides, but Liz has been weirdly uninterested in her own wedding process. Imagine if my line were going to be, "Uh-oh, looks like we're all taking taxis! We forgot 2 arrange 4 transportation!"


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  • At 8:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't think Liz is completely there anymore. I don't know what caused it but I'd say that she's just a spectator in her own life now. Time, to her, no longer flows in a linear manner which makes getting her to remember details of a plan difficult and following them impossible.

  • At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't think Liz has taken any interest in her own wedding, except the part where she'll be married to Anthony. Everything else is just small deets, which are someone else's responsibility.

  • At 9:05 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i think u r both rite, dc2 and patrickrsghost. it's really sad when u think abt it, which i'm not allowed 2. mom yells if i start saying stuff like that. :(


  • At 10:48 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I think it’s great you can see into the future about what will happen on Elizabeth’s wedding day. I had wondered what Gordon Mayes would provide for Elizabeth’s wedding. Pay for the honeymoon, a new Crevasse, a gold-embossed statue of me were ideas that came to mind. However, I am a little disturbed that he will send you to tell Elizabeth about his gift, instead of doing it himself.

    After all, just yesterday I foretold that Lawrence Poirier will provide the floral arrangements for the ceremony, and he would also tell me there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me or for my folks, because of all the support we’ve given him. He complimented me quite nicely. That’s how it’s supposed to be done.

    Where is the love from Gordon? Sure, he’s going to spend money on 6 limousines and he’s going to give you a pun to tell Elizabeth; but it’s just not the same without a little recognition of how he wouldn’t be where he is today, without Dad’s investment in his business.

    And what’s worse is that I have foretold that I will already be at the place where the wedding ceremony is going to occur after you find out about the limousines. Where’s my limo? I would have to get there on my own power, and miss the fancy limo drive. That’s not fair. No love from Gordon and I have to drive myself? This predicting the future just stinks.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:04 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m pissed. u mean we hadda go & make the limo arrangements 4 ur sis, & then in the future gordon mayes iz just gonna jump in & say, “u get 6 limos”? that sux. i wondah how many more thingz u & i hadta do 4 ur sis’ weddin’, which sum1 iz just gonna pop in & say, “oh, never mind. i’m gonna pay 4 that, only it’s gonna b better’n wut u did.” well, @least u know in advance so wen gordon mayes tellz u that, u wudn’t tell him off.

    i thot the part where u act like ur impressed ‘bout the drivers wuz funny. ur sis seemz 2 rilly b eatin’ that up. “we’re gonna feel like celebrities.” she iz rilly ez 2 impress. or mebbe she wuz drinkin’. i know if i wuz gonna get married 2 anthony caine, i wud wanta b rilly lubric8ed. did u foretell if she wuz drunk or not?

  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am sure that most of your readers will not realize that when you foretold the joke you are going to tell at Elizabeth’s wedding, you are actually doing an imitation of the television advertisement Gordon Mayes does for his business, which used to be Mayes Midtown Motors, but has now expanded so much past midtown Milborough that he simply calls it Mayes Motors.

    What happens in the commercial is Gordon Mayes tries sitting in a little foreign-made car (probably from the States) and he can’t get his entire rear end in the seat. Then Gordon sits in a good Canadian-made Crevasse, and the whole thing fits. Given the size of Gordon these days, this is actually a somewhat impressive demonstration of the interiour roominess of a Crevasse automobile. Then Gordon turns around from the camera, looks over his shoulder, while shaking his bottom, and delivers the line, “Mayes Motors never does anything half....classed. Come out and try the new Crevasse.” And that sort of rhymes.

    Your readers from the greater Milborough area would have recognized your reference immediately, and probably envisioned you looking over your shoulder at your sister and shaking your bottom at her to get the full effect of the joke. No doubt your sister will be laughing hysterically at your parody. I probably would too, if I saw it. However, for your readers who don’t live in Milborough, that’s the full explanation.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, here is a guess. i think what mite happen is that dee will try 2 get u 2 help her get merrie and robin ready 4 the wedding, and that u'll go, "deanna, didn't i tell u? i have 2 go 2 the wedding site and check on lawrence's flower arrangements. i'll b back in 2 shakes of a lamb's tail! " and then u'll go there and have that convo u told us abt 4 yesterday's blog entry. then when u figure dee's prolly all dun fending 4 herself w/merrie and robin's preps, u'll head back, and b there 4 when the limo arrives. @ least, that's my guess.

    jeremy, u're rite. knowing this stuff in advance will help avoid being so, so mad when it happens. yeah, i wonder what other things we've arranged will b suddenly replaced by sum1 else volunteering 2 take care of it.

    howard, thanx 4 xxlaining abt the commercial. i'd 4gotten all abt it! sum ppl say that ad proves that gordo puts the ASS in crevASSe.


  • At 6:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, i realized i 4got 2 answer jeremy's question abt whether or not i 4told liz being drunk. u know what? i find i have trouble telling the diff betw. liz drunk and liz sober. m i the only one?


  • At 8:42 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I ran into Mira Sobinski today. I was taking lunch near my office at Portrait Magazine, and she was in there with her husband. When she saw me she said, “Howard. You know all about dresses, what do you think of this?” And she pulled out a little girl’s dress with a lavender top and a teal skirt.” I said, “That is utterly hideous.”

    Then Mira pulled out another little girl’s dress, which looked like this . She said, “How do you like this one?” I said, “That’s a lot better.”

    She said, “See, Wilf. Someone with taste prefers rose and powder blue.” Wilf said, “We’ve been through this before. You’re not going to change their minds.” Mira said, “But Wilf.” He said, “Mira. The only reason our daughter called you in to help was because they had her making all the alterations to the bridesmaids’ dresses, while working full-time and taking care of the kids. And they wanted her to make the flower girl dresses too. Why the retired mother of the bride can’t help with the sewing I don’t know. But it was too much for Deanna."

    Mira said, “Teal and lavender. Wilf. It will be like going to a circus wedding.” Wilf said, “You know what they are like. Remember all the mumbling about how long your prayer was at Christmas? And when they eat, it reminds me of hogs eating.” Mira was livid. “Don’t remind me. This is going to be like having a wedding in a barn.”

    Wilf said, “We’ll go in and deliver the flower girl dresses, help get them fitted, make the alterations, and have a nice visit with our grandkids and our daughter. No one is going to compliment you on the dresses or thank you. That’s not their way. Just enjoy the time we have with them. Leave the colour choice to rest.” Mira said, “You’re right, Wilf. Of course. We hardly get to see our grandchildren any more, so we have to take advantage of the time when we do.” Wilf said, “Exactly.”

    Mira said, “Thanks for affirming me, Howard.” I said, “No problem.” And I went on to finish my lunch. I thought you might find the story interesting.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that's an interesting story, howard, thanx 4 posting it. yeah, i tried 2 talk liz out of her purple/teal combo, but of course she thinks she has the best taste and wdn't listen 2 me.



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