Oh, God, I'm Fated 2 Make a Lame Pun!
I woke up 2day knowing sum more abt what's gonna happen on Liz's wedding day, August 23. And now I wanna go back 2 bed until August 23, cuz I know I'm fated 2 make an awful, cringeworthy PUN.
I'll B helping Dad with his tux accessories, and he'll B grumping, "This was supposed 2 B a simple wedding! Y do I hafta wear a tux?" Yep, Dad will say, "hafta." And I'll say, "Family politics, 'Pop.'" Then I'll go, "Anthony's uncle owns the business! Here... Lemme get those cuff links," even though I'll aleady B putting a cuff link on when I start saying all that. Then Dad will whine, "I look like a CLOWN in this bowtie." And I'll notice his cummerbund is upside down, so I'll say, "U've got this thing upside down." As I'm fixing that, Dad'll B all, "How do U know which way it goes?" And I'll say.... Gah, I just want 2 stop rite there. I don't wanna have 2 tell U abt the PUN.
Ugh, well, U'll find out NEway. I'll tell Dad, "Well, the pleats open up--so if U drop stuff @ dinner, it falls in2 the cracks. That's Y it's called a crumberbund!" And Dad will glare @ me. Even tho that's xxactly the kind of thing he'd say himself. Prolly he'll B sore he didn't think of it himself. And sadly, the way Dad eats, he prolly WILL get crumbs all in it. I'm sure Anthony's uncle will appreciate that.
Apes
Edit: Jeremy and Howard, sorry I missed your comments last nite. So much craziness leading up 2 the wedding. I tried xxplain 2 my mom that sum peeps who see a badly coloured pic of her getting ready 4 the wedding will mistakenly think she's trimming nosehair when actually she is applying lipstick.
I'll B helping Dad with his tux accessories, and he'll B grumping, "This was supposed 2 B a simple wedding! Y do I hafta wear a tux?" Yep, Dad will say, "hafta." And I'll say, "Family politics, 'Pop.'" Then I'll go, "Anthony's uncle owns the business! Here... Lemme get those cuff links," even though I'll aleady B putting a cuff link on when I start saying all that. Then Dad will whine, "I look like a CLOWN in this bowtie." And I'll notice his cummerbund is upside down, so I'll say, "U've got this thing upside down." As I'm fixing that, Dad'll B all, "How do U know which way it goes?" And I'll say.... Gah, I just want 2 stop rite there. I don't wanna have 2 tell U abt the PUN.
Ugh, well, U'll find out NEway. I'll tell Dad, "Well, the pleats open up--so if U drop stuff @ dinner, it falls in2 the cracks. That's Y it's called a crumberbund!" And Dad will glare @ me. Even tho that's xxactly the kind of thing he'd say himself. Prolly he'll B sore he didn't think of it himself. And sadly, the way Dad eats, he prolly WILL get crumbs all in it. I'm sure Anthony's uncle will appreciate that.
Apes
Edit: Jeremy and Howard, sorry I missed your comments last nite. So much craziness leading up 2 the wedding. I tried xxplain 2 my mom that sum peeps who see a badly coloured pic of her getting ready 4 the wedding will mistakenly think she's trimming nosehair when actually she is applying lipstick.
Labels: Dad, Patterson food obsession, stupid puns
posted by April Patterson @ 6:44 AM
9 Comments:
At 8:31 AM,
Anonymous said…
Well, it could be worse. He could have made the sticky-out tongue laugh. In any event, I don't think you should worry too much about Anthony's uncle's opinion; after all, he was probably the creep who sold Liz on the lavender and teal eyesore color combo in the first place.
At 9:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, yeah it wuz kinda weird this mornin’ wen u woke up & sed, “jeremy. do u know how 2 put on a cuff link? & a crumberbund, i mean cumberbun, no…it’s cummerbund. do u know how 2 put thoze on?” then i hadda say, “wtf?” & then u told me that whole story ‘bout how u knew more abt what's gonna happen on ur sis’ wedding day. & i sed, “so?” & u sed, “jeremy. i am only 17 & i am a girl. wen wud i evah learn how 2 do thoze thingz? & i can tell mom prolly iz gonna say 2 me, ‘make sure ur dad gets dressed, cuz i can’t stand 2 listen 2 him whine nemore ‘bout havin’ 2 wear a tux 4 hiz own daughter’s weddin’. & then i alreddy know i am gonna hafta know ‘bout how 2 do that stuff, cuz i know wut’s gonna happ.” i sed, “well, can’t u just remembah how ur gonna do it, since u know ur gonna do it?” & u were like, “wut? like if u hadda dream ‘bout how 2 do open heart surgery, wud u b able 2 do that?” & i wuz like, “ok. ic ur point.”
so, neway. it’s not like i evah wore a tux b4, xxcept that 1 tyme wen i went on 1 d8 w/gerald’s younger sis @that country club & she helped me w/the tux. that put u in a rilly bad mood wen i told that story, so i am gonna go by anthony’s uncle’s place & find out how 2 do cuff links & cummerbunds & i’ll teach u. that way u’ll know wut 2 do 4 ur dad on the weddin’ day.
AND…i promise not 2 make ne jokez if u tell me ne storiez ‘bout the lavender bridesmaid dress u hafta wear & how it keeps slipping down, cuz it’s strapless. i wudn’t mind it cuz…well…just cuz, but i unnerstand now that a dress which duz that in fronta ur dad iz not so good, eh? sorry, i laffed b4.
At 12:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Your dad will claim that he looks like a clown with that bowtie. I thought he already did, even without it.
To me he looks more like Spike Jones.
At 2:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, your friend dreadedwhatsis doesn't know what he's talking about. I picked out my wedding colours all by myself, and they just show what good taste I have, I just have this natural instink for knowing which colours look nice with which other colours. Like I already know that after the wedding, I am going to get Anthony to redo the first-floor washroom in burgundy and fuchsia! That will be sooooo pretty, I can't hardly wait!!!
Liz Patterson, nearly Caine
At 2:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
burgundy and fuchsia? omg, liz, my eyes hurt just thinking about that combo!
jeremy, it is sooooo nice of u 2 go 2 the rental place and learn abt that stuff 4 me. of course, u will b rewarded 4 all yr help!!!
patrickrsghost, poor spike jones! i don't think he looked as bad as my dad!
apes
At 2:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
Shut up, April! You don't know anything about decorating!
Liz Patterson
At 8:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, so i went 2c anthony’s uncle, who ownz the formal wear place. i sed 2 him that my gf needz 2 know how 2 put on a cummerbund & how 2 handle cuff links in a tux shirt. he sed he didn’t handle 2 many tux shirts that need cuff links nemore, cuz most peeps use the tux shirts w/a button or cuff link optional. it’s 2 ez 2 lose a pair of cuff links. They fall off ez.
then he sed, “y ur gf? u learn urself. u don’t need a girl 2 dress u. ur a big guy.” i sed it wuz cuz it wuz 4 ur dad, who duzn’t know how 2 dress himself. &he wuz like, “ok. i unnerstand. sum old peeps in mboro don’t wanna learn new stuff. if u ask them sumthin’ ‘bout a tuxedo, they wud rather make it up than find out.” then he told me sum story ‘bout sum old woman he met who thot tux pants were ne kinda formal pant & not the 1s with the stripe down the side & how she thot tux shirts didn’t have ne pleatin’. az anthony’s uncle put it, “she just thot that way. cudn’t be bothered 2 get off her chesterfield & find out. strange old bat.”
ok. he sed 4 the cummerbund the pleats go up, so u can put tickets 4 a show in it & stuff like that. i sed, “wut ‘bout so if u drop stuff @ dinner, it falls in2 the cracks.” & he sed, “thass an urban myth. the joke frum the old days wuz 2 call it a crumberbund" & i sed, “how old?” & he sed, “b4 i wuz born.” i know u didn’t wanna hear that. Sorry. But it’s true.
then this lady comez in & she kisses anthony’s uncle & sez, “oh, sorry. i didn’t c u hadda customer.” & the uncle sez, “my wife iz a passionate woman & gets carried away. this young man wunts 2 know how 2 put on a cummerbund & how 2 handle cuff links in a tux shirt, so he can teach his gf 2 dress hiz dad 4 a weddin’.” & the lady sed, “oh, i know jeremy. i do his gf’s hair. she talks ‘bout u all the tyme. she rilly likes u. we met b4, remembah. i’m greta van rensselaer, but every1 callz me sugar.” i sed hello. & then sugar sed, “honey. hiz gf iz april patterson.” &the uncle sez, “oh. the patterson weddin’ w/our nephew. the whole thing gives me a headache. can’t just give a weddin’ present. hafta pay 4 part of the weddin’.” i sed that wuz the way they wunted it.
& he sez, “so, dr. john patterson duzn’t know how 2 wear cuff links.” i sed, “yes. i guess so.” &he sed, “that figgers. i couldn’t get him 2 come in & get sized. he sed, ‘i don’t cy i hafta do that. this iz gonna b a simple weddin’.’ i sed 2 him he’z gonna b pullin’ & yankin’ on his tux shirt cuz the sleeves won’t be long enuff & prolly b close 2 splittin’ his pants unless he gets measured 2 get the size rite.” u mite wanna tell ur dad 2 get sized, unless u saw wut wuz gonna happ in the weddin' & he wuz wearin' a tux 2 small for him. then i dunno. i think it's dangerous 2 try 2 change the future.
i sed 2 sugar, “ru doin’ the hair 4 the bridal party?” & sugar sed, “only if i wuz gonna do the whole party 4 free. i’m still thinkin’ ‘bout it. i haven’t sed no yet. april told me that gettin’ hair done wuz not evn on her sister’s list of thingz 2 do, so she might not evn ask. & rilly, the tuxes r enuff. anthony iz our nephew, not our child. we’re just tryin’ 2b nice, cuz he haz famly issuez.”
i sed, “i thot ur dutch? i didn’t know anthony wuz dutch.” &sugar sed, “anthony’s ‘rents r dutch & british, so he’z half dutch. we might b the only peeps sittin’ on the groom’s side in hiz weddin’. it wuz like that the 1st tyme he got married 2. he’z hadda a sad life.” u anthony’s uncle wuz like, “he’s an idiot iz wut he iz. hiz 1st wife wuz a knockout & she adored him. i know there r those who oppose thérèse as a marriage partner for anthony. but u hafta consider the facts. she wuz closely tied 2 the caine family cuz she worked 4 anthony’s dad & he knew she wuz a tuff worker—a good xxample 4 anthony. plus she rilly luvved anthony. u shoulda seen them in university. she wuz all the tyme doin’ a lotta kissing, embracing, "i love you dialogue". she rilly turned on the treacle! both anthony’s ‘rents regarded thérèse highly. she knew his family, his past, his university friends & his personality. & she thot she cud convince him 2 lay off hiz ex-gf & now soon-2b hiz wife. that wuz her only mistake.”
sugar sed, “well, who wud figger that?” & the uncle sed, “u know it’s cuz she looks so much like her.” sugar sed, “i don’t think so much.” & i sed, “who?” & the uncle sed, “elizabeth patterson. she looks a lot like anthony’s mom did, back wen she walked out on the family wen he wuz little, like in elementary skool.” sugar sed, “sorry, jeremy, but there iz a strong resemblance. we were rilly happy wen anthony started d8in’ thérèse in university. thot it wuz a sign he had finally gotten ovah his mom. it iz kinda creepy the way anthony keeps tellin’ elizabeth she’s coming home.” i sed i thot it wuz creepy 2.
neway, thass wut happed. lemme know wen i can come ovah & show u wut i learned ‘bout cummerbunds & cuff links.
At 8:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, come rite over! i'm ready! thanx so much 4 helping. wow, i had no idea sugar van r. is anthony's aunt!
oh, and don't worry. i know the crumberbund pun is lame. that's y i dread that i'll have 2 say it!
apes
At 2:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. It’s been almost 2 months since you last told a story about modern day me, I was beginning to feel little unappreciated. Fortunately for you, I woke up with a vision of me and Elizabeth’s wedding day, and simply felt I had to tell it. So, if you had another story to tell about Elizabeth’s wedding that did not involve me, it's just too bad.
I was in my tuxedo with the teal bowtie and cummerbund with my family nowhere to be seen, contemplating the best way for the crowd to lift me on their shoulders and carry me out after I do my speech for Elizabeth in her ceremony. I was standing on a clear pathway between chairs, lavender-coloured chairs lined up in rows. In front of me, nestled at the front of all those lavender-coloured chairs was an arch made up of lavender and teal flowers. And there were big buckets of flowers and potted plants, all coloured lavender and teal. And there was a tree over head, with its ancient branches hanging over the lavender and teal as if to say, “Someone has drawn a tree leaning almost completely over.” The tree was so surreal; I knew it must be a dream.
I was there, standing resolutely with my hands in my pockets, knowing deep in my heart of hearts that this must be the place where Anthony Caine and my sister, a clearly colour blind sister, would be saying the vows which would unite them together as husband and wife. As I stood there alone, Lawrence Poirier was beside me and I said to him, “You’ve outdone yourself with the flowers again, Lawrence.” He replied, “My pleasure, Mike. It truly is a pleasure.”
It was at this point I was sure I was going to get the lecture about how Lawrence is a landscaper and not a florist, but that moment did not come. Then I saw Lawrence lean over in my direction, as if he were going to kiss me, but that moment did not come. Instead he did something even better. Lawrence said, “There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you or for your folks---friendship aside, the support you’ve given us has been major!” At first I wanted to tell him it was “majour!” with a “u” and not “major” like you would spell in the states, but my mind was taken with a completely different thought. For just the briefest of moments after Lawrence said this, I almost felt like I should say, “Thank you!” But then it went away. That was a close one.
I said, “You’ve helped us out with 2 weddings now—when are you gonna take the plunge?” Yes, I said “gonna.” It wasn’t very pretty. They say that when you go to weddings, the first thing to go is your language. But I digress.
I was unabashedly putting Lawrence on the spot. It’s just that when you are happily married as I am, you want everyone to be married. To some people that seems like putting on the pressure; but I had not had a face-to-face conversation with Lawrence since 2005. I think the pressure was pretty low.
Then the lights went out and I felt a sprig of my hair leap up, as if in imitation of your usual hairstyle. Lawrence said, “Nick and I are married in spirit, Mike. I don’t think we’ll have a ceremony.” Then I put my left hand on his right shoulder, and he concluded with “But isn’t it great to know we have the right!!!” I thought to myself, “right to have a ceremony” or “right to be married in spirit”? I think there is some rule in Milborough that if you are together for more than 10 years you have to get married. I am not sure Lawrence and Nick have the right to be married only in sprit. And what is this spirit marriage anyway? I never figured Lawrence as one who would start talking about ghosts, much less ghosts who can have weddings. You try to have a decent conversation with someone you haven’t personally talked to over 3 years, and this is what happens. I remember now why it was I stopped talking to Lawrence.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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