April's Real Blog

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Squicky premonition

Today, I woke up knowing another tidbit abt August 23 (Liz's wedding day), and now I wish I cd go back 2 bed and unknow it. Also, I think this is the same premonition Dreadedcandiru2 shared in a comment here this past Friday.

Now I know that Dad will come up 2 Liz (while still @ the TTH) and Liz will go, "What do U think, Dad?" And Dad will B all, "U're such a beauty, Elizabeth. I'm so proud of U." Then Weed will come up 2 them w/his camera and B like, "A portrait of the bride and her father B4 the wedding! Come in2 the lite, pls!" Then he will say, "...I want U 2 look @ each other and say sumthing wonderful... But say it w/yr eyes." So, Dad will give Liz one of those creepy sidelong glances Anthony's always giving her, while Liz will look up @ him (in profile 2 the camera) w/a schmoopy look on her face. And they will simulthink, "U're sumthing ...wonderful!!" They will both B thinking that b-cuz they're both so literal, and will not B able 2 avoid taking Weed's "say sumthing wonderful" as literally as they can.

Bleah. All this is still 11 days away, and already I'm so, so tired of it.


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  • At 8:13 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Poor Weed. Here he'll be, going the extra mile for a friend and he's destined to take a photo of two people being inappropriately affectionate.

  • At 9:05 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i wdn't wanna b weed in that sitch. yeck.


  • At 10:20 AM, OpenID patrickrsghost said…

    If I were Weed, I'd be more worried about the camera malfunctioning from the color scheme than making sure everyone is posed correctly. I wonder if it will be able to process other colors and hues when it's all over.

  • At 11:37 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i know this wuz a prediction of the future, but @least it xxplained wut u were talkin’ ‘bout w/ur dad @brekkie this mornin’. he wuz like starin’ @u & i sed 2u, “y iz he doin’ that?” & u sed, “he’s tryin’ 2 get me 2 simulthink sumthin’” & i sed, “wut iz that?” &u sed, “it’s where we think the same thing @the same tyme.” & i sed, “how wud u know if ur thinkin’ the same thing @the same tyme?” &u sed, “don’t worry ‘bout it. it practically only happs wen dad iz makin’ sum lame pun.” & i sed, “u can simulthink 1 of ur dad’s puns w/ur dad & u know wut the pun iz?” & u sed, “yes, jeremy. can’t u do that w/ur dad?” & i wuz like, “the only i can do w/my dad is simul-drink & i haven’t done that in a long tyme.” & then ur dad laffed & sed, “oh, april. a boy who duz word play. thass a good sign.” & then u gave me a look like u h8ed me & then u barely talked 2 me all the way 2 the vet clinic. it scared me. do u h8 me now? i still luv u.

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, jeremy, i don't h8 u now. it was just that combo of u doing wordplay and dad praising u 4 it. i had this scary feeling of, "omg, is jeremy abt 2 turn in2 another clone of my dad?" [the other clone = anthony, of course]

    patrickrsghost, i m not sure, but i think weed mite use his least-favourite photo equipment, just 2 b on the safe side.


  • At 2:22 PM, OpenID patrickrsghost said…

    Well, since his attempts on Gerald Delaney-Forsythe have failed, looks like you're next Jeremy. Hope you're up to date on your johnpattersonitis vaccinations. It's too late for Anthony. Don't let it be too late for you.

    There are ways to combat it, if you aren't up to date. Just flash a toy train in front of John, or blow a train whistle really loud. While he is entranced by the toy train, or dazed by the sound of a train, make a break for it.

    Large amounts of greasy, fatty, extra-meaty or sugary foods work as well. While he's stuffing his face with the food, dribbling some of it on the floor, run. Be careful not to let any of the food fall on you. If it does, especially if it contains any of his saliva, you will turn into him.

  • At 2:36 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    patrickrsghost, good advice. i called dr. mccaulay 2 get an appointment 2 get a johnpattersonitis vaccination & they're gonna get me in rite away. az dr. mccaulay sed, “1 thing mboro duzn’t need in town iz anothah john patterson or a clone of him.”

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, don’t b mad, but i think we mite need 2 sleep ovah @my place 4 awhile. dr. mccaulay sez 4 the vaccination 2 work i needta limit my xxposure 2 ur dad. i luv ur space in the basement of ur house. it’s a lot nicer than my place, but i don’t wanna do nethin’ that will hurt our relationship like turnin’ n2 a clone of ur dad. i don’t think i cud stand it if u broke up w/me cuz i wuz 2 much like ur father.

  • At 3:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i will b rite over!!!


  • At 3:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. well, i'm @dr. mccaulay's w8in' in the w8in' room 2 get my vaccination, if u wunt 2 find me. don't u still have work @the vet clinic? i don't wunt 2 get u in trub 4 leavin' early.

  • At 3:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, jeremy. the clinic closed early 2day cuz of sum veterinary convention @ the empire hotel. i'll meet u @ dr. ted's.


  • At 3:30 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You know what advice, what words of wisdom my dad gave me on my wedding day? After the reception was over and I found my car was full of Styrofoam chips (thanks Josef Weeder!), Dad said his first words to me the whole day of my wedding and the rehearsal. It was “Here-take your mother’s car! We came in separate vehicles because the girls had to be at Deanna’s house early – to get ready for the wedding.” Then mom said, “Wait a minute! I just had my hair done! I don’t want to go all the way home in that!” Then she pointed to Dad’s old Bushwhacker, which had no roof. Then Dad said, “Then, what are the kids going to do?” So, Deanna and I left in the Bushwhacker. That was it. That is the total sum of conversation between me and Dad during my wedding, the second fake one.

    I wasn’t told I was a beauty or something wonderful or that dad was proud of me. In fact, I don’t think dad has ever told me he was proud of me, except that time I raked the lawn without being asked. Dad didn’t give me a creepy sidelong glance when I got married. Dad didn't even mentally threaten me if I was a bad husband to Deanna, like he did to Anthony. Josef wasn’t busy taking pictures of me and Dad before the wedding, or asking me to come into the light.

    I am going to be doing some of the most magnificent greeting and ushering ever done for a wedding in Milborough and there will be no mention of it from Dad. He's going to be too busy with Elizabeth to notice. Well, some day he is going to look back and say to himself, "I wish there was some way I could have seen Mike ush at Elizabeth's wedding. I am so sorry I missed it."

    Hum! I think I just got the idea for my 4th novel. I think I will call it Usher Confessions. That sounds kind of catchy.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:40 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it will good 2 have u here. they just told me i will be little woozy aftah i get the vaccination, so it wud prolly b good 2 have sum1 drive me aftahwards.

  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My wife, Beatrice has asked me to find someone to “entertain” for your sister’s bachelorette party. I have a few choices available. Which one do you think your sister would like best? I have a police officer, a First Nations chief, a cowboy, a construction worker, a leatherman, a helicopter pilot, and a Canadian Air Force man. Beatrice favours the Canadian Air Force man (and I am not going to go into issues she may still have with her war hero first husband who died in combat, so don’t ask). Personally, I like the leatherman best. However, I should mention that you can get all of them for a package rate, and if you do that, they will do a set of The Village People songs in addition to the usual bumping and grinding. Do you think your sister would like The Village People, or are they too New York for her?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I mentioned your prognostication of the wedding to Josef Weeder and he loved it. He plans a whole sequence of photos where he says, “I want you to look at each other and say something wonderful… but say it with your eyes!” He’s tried it with a few people now, and he says the facial contortions they do in order to say something with their eyes are hilarious.
    The man is brilliant. I can see a whole coffee table book full of odd-looking faces as the new comedy sensation of coffee table books. Tell me, April, when you foresaw Liz and Dad saying something with their eyes, how funny did their faces look? If they were funny enough, I think Josef might put them on the cover.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy is still a lil woozy from his vax. one of the after-effects from the vax, while the innoculation is setting in, is that 4 a 12-hr period, he'll have a compulsion 2 pun and talk abt toolkits, trains, and dentistry. it's scary, but i have 2 b supportive.

    mike, "funny" isn't really the word i'd use 4 the way dad and liz's faces will look when weed has them thinking stuff. it'll b more like "creepy."


  • At 8:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, has mom called u yet? she got a memo from the witch. your premonition about greeting gary and vivian has been revised, and now you're supposed 2 use their correct name, "crane."


  • At 11:18 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You know how mom hates it when you are right, so you don't need to rub it in. I will now pre-remember to call them Crane when I greet them. Any other of my premonitions that need to be corrected, like about how dad is going to say he is proud of me?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:23 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur smile iz so beautiful. i know they say bros b4 hos, but if u were like an HO model train, i wud definitely go 4 the HO ovah the bro. do i have a bro? no, thass just u. have u had ur teeth whitened? it's a very simple procedure, almost az ez az puttin' a train on a track. i think i have toolkit that wud b perfect 4 that. i luv lookin' in ur mouth. ur so pretty.


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