April's Real Blog

Monday, August 11, 2008

CRANE, Mike, not CROW

Mike had another premonition about Liz's wedding day, 23 August:

Formerly little sis. I had another moment where I foresaw something from Elizabeth’s wedding day and it is my delight to share it with you. As you may or may not remember, in addition to delivering a magnificent speech at Elizabeth’s wedding, it was decided to also take advantage of my celebrity status and have me act as a greeter and seater. Plus I could sign a few copies of my latest novel, Blood Cargo, if necessary. When people come to the wedding, I will say, “Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” and then I seat them in the seats on the left if they say, “Bride” and the seats on the right if they say, “Groom.” Or is that the other way around? I am sure I will get it right by the wedding day. Mom said I could reshuffle the guests if it turned out there was no one who would claim to be a friend of the groom, which mom thinks is likely.

Back to my foretelling. I am standing there at the wedding ceremony location, looking good. I had already seated an Asian woman and her stalker and they were almost sitting in their chairs the right way. Then a First Nations man, and a lighter-coloured woman show up. My initial thought was that this was the constable Liz used to date, whom I never met. I thought he was there to flaunt the fact he found another almost-white woman to date in front of Elizabeth on her wedding day. Only he made a mistake, because this woman was a lot fatter and uglier than Liz is. I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

I figured I could probably take him, if he made trouble. I was getting ready to spring into action, knock him on the ground, and give his ear a good tweaking; when it occurred to me that this was not the first responsibility of the greeter. First you greet. Then you tackle.

They came up to me and said, “Excuse me, is this the Patterson-Caine wedding?” I responded with “Yes! Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” in perfect greeter fashion. The man said, “Friends of the bride!” “Ha!”, I thought. "You’re no friend of the bride, cowardly ex-boyfriend. Get ready to eat a Michael Patterson knuckle sandwich.” Then he said, “…We’re from Mtigwaki, the village where she taught…” I was about to slam him to the ground, when I suddenly remembered that there were actually people from that place Liz invited to her wedding. My mind flashed quickly down the guest list. What were their names? It would be so impressive of me, if I could remember their names without asking or looking at the guest list. I remembered it was a bird name, and it started with “cr”. I thought, “Crake? Crab plover? Crossbill? Crow?” Then I thought, “Crow. That has to be it, because that sounds just like one of those First Nation names.” So, I said, “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Crow!” They didn’t say they weren’t, so I knew I got it right. Score one for Michael Patterson. I grabbed a lavender chair and said in my best greeter voice, “Welcome! Please sit down. Elizabeth will be so glad you came!” I foretell those greeter lines will come so naturally to me.

As they sit down, I notice Lawrence Poirier is standing next me. Obviously he was amused that I did not immediately recognize one of Elizabeth’s friends with close to the same skin colour as he has. I explain, “My sister has a lot of friends, Lawrence. Some of them I’ve never met before!” Lawrence responds with a great joke, “That’s the thing about weddings, Mike…It unites the ‘Who’s Who’ with the ‘Who’s that?’” What great joke, playing on the word “Who.” I foresee myself laughing a lot at that one. I’m not laughing at it now; but I foresee I will find it very funny.

That’s where it ends. Isn’t that a great prediction? I am going to find out that Liz has friends I don’t know. Who would have thought it was possible?

Michael Patterson
Aw, Gary and Vivian, why R U going 2 B 2 polite 2 correct Mike? Mike, as patrickrsghost commented last nite, their last name is CRANE not CROW. Tho their not correcting U has me wondering the same thing patrickrsghost does, which is whether their names will silently get changed on that Who's Who site Steph maintains for Mom.
I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.
Mike, what you're not-quite remembering is that Liz showed up to the Anthony-Thérèse wedding with her dancing date Dennis North.


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  • At 8:10 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    There's a good reason they didn't correct your brother; they don't give a rat's ass what he (or anyone else in Milboring) thinks. They're just here to watch a train-wreck, same as everyone else; they have no intention of making friends with the other rubber-neckers.

  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Thanks for the reminder about Elizabeth showing up to Anthony’s first wedding accompanied by that gay dancer guy Lawrence and Nick knew. I had warned her not to do that; but she did it anyway. It was not one of Liz’s best moments, and certainly something I would never do.

    When my old girlfriend Martha McRae got married, I certainly did not attend her wedding with my wife, the lovely Deanna, who is a lot more attractive than Martha. I could have done that, but I didn’t. I was simply content to happen to run into Martha when we both worked in Toronto, and she was a bitter divorcée, and I could show her the pictures of my wife I carry with me. That’s really the best way to get that point across. Now that I live in Milborough, I also do the same thing to poor, still single Rhetta Blum, whenever I happen to run into her at that Kosher Deli, where she likes to eat.

    I would recommend that same tactic to Elizabeth. She should get some pictures of Anthony Caine and show them off to her ex-boyfriends when she happens to meet them. Then they would take one look at Anthony Caine and realize what a mistake…hum…I think I see a flaw to this idea. Perhaps instead of a picture, she can tell them his job as auto garage accountant he had in university to auto garage and restaurant manager. That would impress a police constable and a helicopter pilot. Hum! Maybe it’s better if Elizabeth never runs into her ex-boyfriends.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I find it a little odd that Gary and Vivian Crane would make the trip to Milborough for your sister’s wedding. Admittedly they were probably her closest friends when she lived in that hell-hole Mtigwaki; but I seem to remember you talking in your blog about how Gary Crane wanted to replace your sister as soon as a competent teacher was available. Didn’t he have thoughts about that when that other teacher who spoke the Ojibway language (unlike your sister), came to student teach? I also seem to remember them pushing your sister hard over her contract, so that they could get her more competent replacement in place.

    Is their visit just friendly, or is there an ulteriour motive? That’s a long way to travel to go to a wedding of someone you tried so hard to replace. I remember my own encounter with Gary Crane, and he was not a man to be trusted. It will be interesting to see if you have your own prognostication about your sister talking to these people.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:38 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i thot wuz hysterical ur bro is gonna b like so proud ur sis knows peeps he duzn’t know. like, if we got married, there wud all kinds of peeps you know ur bro duzn’t know, like the peeps @skool & the peeps @the vet clinic &prolly every1 u know thass not a relative & mebbe sum of thoze 2. i guess it’s cuz every1 thinks of ur sis az kinda like sum1 who hasn’t made ne friendz since high school. thass crayzee. she works @her skool in mboro 4 two years, which iz az long az she worked in mtigwaki. there’s gotta b sum peeps there who will come 2 her weddin’, & not just these peeps frum her old skool in mtigwaki. if not, then ur sis wud look like she’s rilly pathetic. ur sis isn’t that pathetic. is she?

  • At 10:38 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    heh, gd pt, dc2 (only it's "reason they won't correct" mike--i know, all this premonition stuff is headache-making).

    mike, i have a feeling liz will not be running in2 her exes. they will b 2 busy living xxciting lives far away from mboro.


  • At 10:41 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i dunno if gary crane is gonna have ulterior motives. i haven't had ne premonitions that mite let me know!

    jeremy, i'm not sure if liz is that pathetic. she mite b, but i also haven't had ne premonitions that wd let me know 4 sure.


  • At 8:14 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I asked mom for an official ruling on the name Crane or Crow, since you and that ghost guy made a big deal about it. Mom has assured me that when the time comes, I am to use the name Crow. She also told me that if Elizabeth’s ex-boyfriend shows up, I am allowed to use physical violence.

    As mom tells it, Elizabeth became a little upset at the bridal shower when she realized that the vast majority of people there were not her friends but mom’s. I think the little French girl asked her if she had any friends who were not bridesmaids. So, mom made a few calls to some people who had actually RSVPed “No” to the wedding and as it turns out, we are going to have a full crowd of people on the brides’ side who are all close friends with Elizabeth. You would not believe the number of persons who went to school with Elizabeth or teach at her current school, who are going to be there to show just how many friends Elizabeth has.

    Even our friends, Mr. and Mrs. Crow who live up in the Northwest are coming down, so everyone will know that there are no bad feelings between Elizabeth and those people. If you remember Elizabeth telling stories about how everyone in that town were lying %^&*, who betrayed her because they didn’t tell that her constable boyfriend was cheating on her, it is no longer true. She has forgiven them, and they can come to the wedding. Isn’t that great news?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:48 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i wish team canada wuz better @the olympics. y can’t there b a canadian women’s beach volleyball team, eh? not 1 canadian women’s beach volleyball team. those women don’t look nearly az good in their little tiny bikinis az a canadian woman wud.

    @least barbados hazn’t got ne medals either or duncan wud b rilly hard 2b ‘round. i dunno wut happed 2 duncan while he wuz gone, but he’z like almost ok 2b ‘round now. u sed u thot that mebbe he decided he liked eva aftah all, & he wuz tired of fitin’. that cud b. eva wuz rilly ticked off wen ange mercie jean-baptiste, the haitian judo woman lost 2 the cuban judo woman. she wuz up judoin’ thingz & she’z wuz kinda scary. i wudn’t wanna fite her either.

    neway, it soundz like ur sis iz gonna try 2 make it look like she haz friendz & she hazn’t messed up everythin’ for her in mtigwaki. good luck w/that, i guess. i dunno y it matterz. it’s not like she’s gonna go back there & take anthony 2c her old bf w/hiz new gf. u told me her old bf wuz way hotter than anthony. & it’s not like she’z gonna b all social w/these peeps aftah she’z married. i already know wut her 1st convo w/u iz gonna b aftah she becomez mrs. anthony caine. “april, can u baby-sit 2nite w/no notice?”

    ok, men’s gymnastics iz better. sumthin’ ‘bout watchin’ guyz on a pommel horse seemz 2 make u more snuggly, which iz all rite by me.

  • At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Vivian Crane said…

    Oh, my goodness, Elizabeth's family are a bunch of fools! Well, her brother and mother, anyway. April, at least, has not forgotten my and my husband's last name: Crane. Not Crow. And yet, Elizabeth's brother and mother are going to stick with that mistake that's been foreseen.

    Gary Crane, my husband, says that there is a special name for people who foresee themselves committing an error and are determined to go ahead and commit the error nonetheless. Gary says that special name is "idiot."

    Knowing that Michael plans to flub our name--willfully--makes it tempting for Gary and me to skip the wedding entirely. But we are actually looking forward to seeing this man for whom Elizabeth threw away her Mtigwaki life.


    Vivian Crane

  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, snuggling w/u while watching the men's gymnastics is awesum!


  • At 10:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i luv snugglin' w/u 2. i luv u. so u sed we're gonna play "gymnast & the pommel horse" l8er 2nite. how'z that work? oh, can't say on ur blog, eh? i unnerstand.


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