Man, I M so tired 2day, I can't even tell U! When Dr. Artemis an' I left 4 Corbeil on Thurs. AM, I was all, "But I can't just B missing 2 days of school like that! It's v. v. imporant 4 me 2 do well, esp. in math and sci, cuz I wanna get in2 a gd vet school!" Dr. A was all, "Don't worry abt a thing. We've made arrangements 2 have Duncan Anderson catch U up on what U missed when U return." So, like, l8 last nite, after I'd been crashed 4 a while, my fone woke me up and it was Dunc saying I'd better get over 2 his house cuz they covered lotsa big stuff in school on Thurs and Fri.
So I went over 2 his house and we went over our assignment sheets. There were like a zillion math probs 2 do, and there's a project coming up in sci. We dug rite in and we were studying like, 4evs. Dunc's mom brought us sum delish snax while we studied, but I was having trub focusing after my s00per-weird few days. We were still working on the sci stuff around 3 AM, and we musta fallen asleep, cuz @ like 7 this morning, I woke up @ the Anderson kitchen table, my head using our sci text as a pillow. I have a hella sore neck!
So after having sum granola, I headed back home, and as soon as I walked in the door, Mom was all yelling @ me, pting @ my shoez just cuz they were a bit muddy. She didn't even notice the big string of drool dropping outta my mouth (I was kinda falling back asleep while standing, which was hella weird, but xxplains the droolies). A bit l8r, Dad came in from whatevs it was he was doing, w/a yucky runny nose, and I was all, "Stay outta Mom's way, Pop. ...She's acting like a real animal!" Which, come 2 think of it, is a real insult 2 animals.
But Mom heard me, and she came running, and she sed she was just upset cuz the animals had been acting up all morning. Eddy came in from the pouring rain, and even tho she was thinking "Don't shake, Eddy!" really really hard, the dog shook NEway. Then Buttsy chomped on an electric cord again (but only cuz Mom removed the special tape I'd put on 2 stop her from doing that, yo!). Then, Eddy blocked the laundry-room doorway, so Mom tripped on him as she came outta there. Then, she found Buttsy kicking up shavings from her cage, getting them all over Mom's floor as she was getting ready 2 use sum "Kleen" spray sumwhere. She found Dixierat sleeping on the chesterfield an' yelled @ her, and a mo l8r discovered Shiimsa climbing up a curtain. That's when I arrived an' got yelled @. Poor animals. Mom shd not co-exist w/pets.
So, my trip. When we got up 2 the Johnston Institute For Better Living in Corbeil, I got this creepy feeling that I'd seen this place B4. Then I realized this was cuz I'd seen pix on the website Steph maintains 4 Mom. Steph took me in2 an office in the main bldg, and there was this woman who looked like Mom after being on Extreme Makeover
. U know, smaller nose, smaller butt, hair cut shorter and lightened, stuff like that. Weird. And she noticed me lookin' @ a pic she had in a frame, sum1 who looked like Liz, only with darker hair and a spark of life in her eyes. She was all, "I C U R looking @ a picture of my daughter, Kate. Kate is a lovely girl, but sadly she doesn't take my advice. She never went into teaching and she didn't stay close 2 home. Instead, she moved off 2 Vancouver, just like my son Aaron, the anti-Michael, had done yrs B4." She held up a pic of a guy who looked kinda like Mike, but slightly chubbier, w/a beard and mustache and a look on his face that made me think he didn't take himself 2 seriously. I had this weird feeling, like I wanted 2 B their
sister, but that there was no way.
"April, I know what U're thinking," this woman sed, "but no, I never had a third child, unlike yr mother. But B4 I go in2 NE of that, I feel I shd introduce myself, even tho I know U better than NE1." She xxtended her hand 2 shake it. "Lynn. Lynn Johnston." As I shook her hand, I felt this weird, nearly electric-shock kinda feeling. "Pls," she sed, pting 2 a chair across fr. her desk. "Have a seat. Dr. Artemis, pls xxcuse us 4 a moment. I'm sure Nancy and Liuba have sum snaxx 4 U." Dr. A left, and I sat down.
I was like, "So, Lynn, Y am I here?"" And she was totally, "Please. Call me Mrs. Johnston."Me:
Sorry Mrs. Johnston.LJ:
No problem. I blame yr mother. For many, many things. Yr mother has clearly lost interest in U, I h8 2 say. Yr Dad, 2. There are sum important things they're 2 lazy 2 help U with.Me:
Am I going 2 live here now?LJ
Me, with a teenangster creature underfoot again? No way! I've got trips 2 Mexico and Spanish lessons 2 keep me bizzy. No, no, April, we're going 2 take care of sum bizness and then send U back new and improved.Me:
But I don't want--LJ
Pls, never interrupt me!Me:
Again, I blame yr mother. I think I'll make her arse extra fat 2day. [Gets an evil grin on her face and starts sketching really fast on a sketch pad. Holds up a pic of my mom w/a miserable look on her face and a huge butt.
I know, right? But don't 4get, I can use these powers against U
Zits. Hair. Regressing 2 babyhood. . . .LJ
Yes, yes. I'm glad U understand. Anyway, April. As you can tell, yr parents can barely keep in their heads the idea that they have a 3rd child. And I have 2 confess, I haven't taken much of an interest in U since U stopped being Aypo. Boy were U cute! How I mourn the little coveralls-clad girl with the pageboy haircut, Farley @ her side. U were just full of beans
, and U sed the darndest
things! If only we cd have frozen U in time then, while letting the rest progress in real time. But that wdn't have been logical
. Cursed logic! @ least this all has taught me that it's a good thing I wasn't able 2 have a third baby of my own, even tho 4 a while there I really wished I cd. Having Elly Patterson give birth 2 a l8-life "oops" baby was the next best thing. But U had 2 go an' grow up, and now U R a 16-yr-old w/2 more yrs 2 go B4 uni, and yr parents R cracking from not being able 2 go in2 "empty nester" life like my Rod and I have.Me:
Rod, is he that guy in the picture over there, who loox so much like Dad?LJ:
Duh. He's also a train nut and dentist. Tho unlike yr Dad he's already retired. Which makes yr Dad v. jealous, by the way.Me:
I'm not surprised.LJ:
Of course not. I mite not B that interested in U NEmore, but I did make U much smarter than Michael and Elizabeth. Poor saps. Oh, don't look so shocked. The strain of making them do all the things I wanted Aaron and Katie 2 do has made them both a bit dim. Michael and Elizabeth that is. Aaron and Katie have a will of their own, but they're also smart and resourceful. What a shame I cdn't pick and choose their attributes.Me:
But then U'd have a Mike and Liz.LJ:
Good pt. I really did
make U smarter than Mike and Liz.Me:
So, where shd I live, @ the old house w/Mike an' Dee, or w/Mom @ Dad @ the teeny-tiny train house?LJ
]: Teeny-tiny train house! U slay me! But that's sumthing U need 2 figure out yrself. In fact, when yr memory clears up, U will probably realize that U already made a decision during this endless story that U and Mike have been recounting on yr blog, abt buying or not buying the Stibbs house.Me:
U know abt my blog?LJ
]: Come on, now, April! Of course I know about it! Don't worry 2 much abt that, tho. It's not as if I actually read it myself. Steph checks in on it now and then, tho mostly 2 make sure U and yr friends R not viol8ing my copyrights or hotlinking 2 images on yr Mom's website. Every now and then, she gives me a v. v. general summary as 2 what U R discussing and how long it takes 2 tell a story.Me:
Yeah, and I love a story that's stretched out, so when I hear it is taking U four weeks 2 tell the events of one day? Awesum! But don't worry. Yr mom doesn't know abt yr blog, and if she ever found out, she'd 4get an instant l8r. Yr mom h8's "the box" even more than I do.Me:
NEway, down 2 bizness. U need a larger array of childhood sweethearts, in case yr established ones turn out 2 B duds (C Patterson, Elizabeth as cautionary tale). And U need 2 turn Jeremy Jones 2 gd, 2 make him a suitable contender.Me:
But he's already. . .LJ
[irises turning red; voice coming out deep, male, and loud
]: What did I say abt interrupting?Me:
Sorry, Mrs. Johnston.LJ
[back 2 "normal"]: That's better. Now, here's what we have in store 4 U. 2day we're going 2 have two rounds of "speed d8ing." Two rounds 2 fulfill the letter of the "two d8's and desire 2 marry" requirement of Patterson-Richards Accord Childhood Sweetheart laws. The end result of that will B 2 expand yr "childhood sweetheart" pool 2 a total of six potential Patterson spouses. Currently, U have 3: Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe (curse him for that already-established last name!), Duncan Anderson, and, pending conversion 2 "good," Jeremy Jones. U need more. And don't worry abt yung Gerald getting angry or retali8ing against U 4 the speed-dating. His marriage consultant is well aware of these proceedings, and if he acts badly as a result, he understands that I will turn him in2 an animal, such as a dog, monkey, ocelot, or other creature to B named l8r. So he won't act out.Me:
[ . . .]LJ:
Thank U 4 not interrupting. The speed d8ing will take most of 2day. 2morrow, U will go thru a sort of Patterson boot-camp training. And Saturday's goal will B conversion of Jeremy Jones 2 good. [Buzzes an intercom
] Liuba, come in and show April 2 her quarters. It's going 2 B an intensive 3 days 4 her.
I will tell U the rest l8r. I'm getting sleepy again! Howard, I'm sorry, but I don't remember what I d-cided abt the house sitch.
Labels: crowded house, Dad, Gerald, Howard, Jeremy, Liz, Mike, Mom, Witch of Corbeil