April's Real Blog

Monday, April 09, 2007

Here comes a boring transition

It seemz that on a recent doggie walk, Dad ran in2 Mr. Stibbs, owner of the "teeny-tiny train house" Dad has been lusting over in our neighbourhood 4evs cuz he likes 2 fantasize abt having a huge choo-choo layout on the gigantic lawn the house has. Of course "ran in2" makes it sound way more random than it was, cuz Dad ALWAYS walks by that house when he walks the doggies. That's the only reason he ever even walks the dogs, despite what he told Mr. Stibbs (I'll get 2 that in a sec, don't worry).

So, like, Dad saw Mr. S was out raking leaves, and Dad was all, "Hey there, George!" And Mr. Stibbs went, "Hi. John! ...Taking the day off?" And Dad sed, "Yes, all the better 2 stalk U, mua-ha-ha!" Just kidding, tho that wda been true. Instead, it seemz Dad was like, "Yeah. I decided 2 do the spring clean-up, fix the back door, rake the yard. U know... All the things a guy h8's doing." And I've heard that Mr. Stibbs was all, "So... U're walking the dogs." And insteada admitting what his only reason 4 ever walking the canines is, Dad was like, "Yeah. NE xxcuse 2 put off work is fine w/me." And Mr. S sed, "I just put a pot of coffee on." And Dad, walking toward the TTH, was totally "Fine with me!"

Sorry so boring. Transitions, eh?


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  • At 9:59 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i gotta say, it’s weird the way ur fam iz ‘bout coffee. accordin’ 2u, all george stibbs sez is, “i just put a pot of coffee on." & ur dad assumez thass an invite 2 come in his house. ‘course i also noticed george stibbs is so usedta ur dad’s “dog-walkin’”, he knowz wut days ur dad works & duzn’t work. considerin’ ur dad only works 3 days a week, then wut duz he needta take an xxtra day off work 4? it must b gr8 2 own ur own biz & have a staff 2 handle everythin’ 4u, insteada b-ing in skool all day, like me. i cud uze a cuppa rite now. my history class is so boring.

  • At 10:21 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, that last post musta been rilly confusin' since we have easter monday off frum skool. mom sed it wuz the worst case of sleep-computer typin' she had evah seen.

    neway, i hadda gr8 weekend. ben folds wuz @koolhaus on friday & i have placebo there 2nite. my internship az the sound guy there iz gr8 & the pay is teriffic.

    only prob w/it iz my v-girl vanessa sez c-ing me doin' so well, i'm not az victimificant az i usedta b. i think she's a little hung up on that idea. i went 2 easter services w/her & she cudn't stop goin' on 'bout how jesus was the most victimificant guy evah.

    the othah prob iz zandra larson & zenobia barnaby showed up 2c ben folds (cuz i got them tix), & vanessa wuz not happ 2c them there (well zandra mainly). i thot there wuz gonna b a big blow-up 'bout it, but vanessa didn't follow thru. i dunno y.

    sorry 4 the 1st post. i didn't know i cud sleep & type.

  • At 2:11 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I have left you a message on yesterday's blog entry. Please don't forget to read it, even though I know that you, as a woman, have a very hard life and a lot of things to do, including (apparently) raising your brother's children. No wonder you hit the wine so hard that night you were babysitting and enjoying comfy accommodation with me. That is a lot of responsibility, but my marital advisor tells me that is the life of a Patterson woman. Let me know if there is anything I can do to ease your burden, my sweet. For example, I could walk the dogs.

    Love, Gerald

  • At 3:00 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    Need your expert advice again. Since your sister wants to marry a guy just like her father, I've decided that I need to find an old guy to harass into giving me something I want. Could you please advise me on which of the following old men I should pursue:

    Old Man Ramjetty - I listed him first because he has the funniest name. He has a really nice sailboat that is always sitting on a trailer in this sort of side-driveway he has, and is constantly painting and chipping and putting in new woodwork. Now I'm a dab hand at woodwork myself, what with the deck that a couple of day laborers and a carpenter put in and all, and I figure if I went over there nights and did some woodwork of my own I might be able to effect its value enough so he'd like to sell it. His wife needs regular dialysis, so you never know what's going to happen with that, I understand if she misses it twice she slips into a coma and dies. I think it would be nice to take Liz sailing, because in a sailboat she can't run away and hug any stuffed animals or her cat and you can get an answer out of her, eventually.

    Old-Timer Billy Slater He's got a very cool, almost mint condition 1959 Nash Rambler station wagon, perfect for hauling groceries and kids, plus it's kind of funny looking and would be extra funny what with the fins and if it could hover like so many Patterson cars that would probably be even funnier. Plus, I'm sick of always being called "that guy with the pornstache" by April's friends and I'd much rather be known as "that guy with the awesome vintage car." Old-Timer Billy Slater's wife looks quite healthy but she walks kind of slow, in fact I wonder if she can make it across the street in time when walking the dog if a car came down Hillcrest really quickly.

    Gordon - Okay, Gordon isn't old per se, but he sure looks it. As your father noted, many of the ideas that made MMM such the auto retailing powerhouse that it is came from yours truly, Gordon just handled the capitalization, design, development, execution, and operation. I think if I could become the owner of one of the largest auto dealerships in the near but not real near Toronto area, it would really impress Liz.

    Also, I need advice on carrying out the plan. Seems to me your father spent a lot of time looking at the property, then investigated the resident, found out about his general health and family life, and finally made repeated contact until Mr. Stibb's wife up and died and he gave in. Should I just concentrate on old men with sickly spouses? Tracy is pretty healthy, but she hates sudden loud noises because it makes her heart hammer so.

    thanking you in advance,


  • At 6:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't feel 2 bad, jeremy. i had a v. weird dream, 2. sumthing abt my dad telling me what a "nice fella" mr. stibbs is, and, like, going on an' on abt him an' the house an' the yard. hm, mayB that wasn't a dream, in which case, i mite need a nap.

    ger, thanx 4 pting me 2 yr other message. i never wda thot 2 look back @ yesterday's entry. dr. artemis won't allow me 2 comment on whether the d8 "did the trick" or on what kind of a woman, xxactly, i m gonna turn out 2 b. but she sez the necklace is v. pretty.

    anthony, i dunno who the 1st 2 guys r, but as 4 gordo, i think mike wd b v. conflicted abt u doing stuff 2 harm gordo even if it were calcul8ed 2 help u get w/liz, which mike is all abt.


  • At 6:28 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    You have asked a complicated question, old bean; but I think I might have the answer for you.

    Old Man Ramjetty - My sister Elizabeth often talks about how she is a Cancer - a water sign; and not the disease, as some may suppose considering her Lizardbreath. It would seem obvious then a sailboat would be a good choice, since my sister often also says she loves the outdoors. However, what my sister says and what she does are frequently, if not almost always, different; as you would know if you have ever heard her describe herself as a “Get It Done” kind of person. The closest she ever gets to sailing is a small toy she has in the bathtub when she takes her daily bubble bath. As appealing as a sailboat would be for trying to get an answer out of her, she has withstood my mother’s inquiries for months at a time. Unless you were sailing around the world, I doubt it would work. Therefore, I cannot recommend Old Man Ramjetty.

    Old-Timer Billy Slater - I know you would be the envy of my dad with a mint condition 1959 Nash Rambler station wagon and my sister has no fear of automobiles. However, my sister’s love of vintage vehicles has in the past been limited to using them to pick up men, as she washes them at the end of my father’s driveway. While you might find the visual aspect of that activity enjoyable, you probably would not want to deal with male passersby, who would agree with you. Also, my sister is a notoriously poor car-washer, and most times dad had to rewash the car after she was done. He has several pictures mounted on the wall of his train room of sudsy, Elizabeth in shorts and a T-shirt soaked to the bone standing beside a sudsy but still dirty, 1964 Bushwhacker. My father can be quite exacting when it comes to car cleanliness. Unless you are washing the car yourself, I cannot recommend Old-Timer Billy Slater.

    Gordon - This is an easy answer. My father may have noted many of the ideas that made Mayes Midtown Motors great came from you; however you should be aware that my father gives away nothing for free, including compliments.

    For example, just this morning my father said to me, “Mike, you really should be raking the leaves in the yard for me without my asking.” I responded with, “I thought you took the day off work, so you could do it.” Then dad said, “But I complimented you on raking the leaves without being asked back on October 9, 2005. I said, “Giving a compliment in a thought balloon, when you are not standing anywhere near me, is not an actual compliment.” Then dad said, “Well, you certainly are unappreciative. I think I might go take the George Stibbs’ house for myself, and see how you like that.” Then he went off for a walk with the dogs and was gone for hours. When he came back he said, “Have you raked the yard, yet?” When I responded, “No”, he seemed to be quite upset with me.

    Your case is far worse, when it comes to Mayes Midtown Motors. His compliments of you are written down and easily accessed. If you were to take it or a part of it over, then there is no telling what sort of thing my father would expect from you. Any advantages you might have in impressing Elizabeth or making money would be offset by having to cater to my father for the rest of your life. Unless you are willing to serve every whim of my father for the rest of your life, I cannot recommend Gordon.

    There is, however, an old guy to harass into giving you something you want, which you have not mentioned, and that is my father. You could harass him into giving you Elizabeth. It would be a win-win situation. You would get Elizabeth, and Elizabeth would have a place to live. It’s a bit old-fashioned asking a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage; but after living with Elizabeth since last September, I feel your response from my dad with a request like that would certainly be a most enthusiastic “Yes”. Even if he doesn’t say “Yes” immediately, a little harassment would certainly push things in the right direction with very little effort on your part. Mom would probably even feed you while you were doing it. This seems like the best choice to me, and you wouldn’t even have to get rid of my mom for it to work.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:02 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    As usual, you are brilliant.

    So if you see me standing out on your sidewalk tonight, just sort of looking at your house, try to get your father to go outside and have a chat. It seems like one should point out all the difficulties that come with ownership of whatever it is you'd like to take, in this case your sister.

    So I'll try the following:

    "A guy could get sick of the sound of his twenty-six year old daughter sobbing into her pillow all the time."

    "So, I bet you and Elly really feel like you dodged a bullet in the half-native grandchildren department. Wouldn't want that to happen again, eh? What do you suppose that Warren guy's original name was, Schwarzbaum?"

    "Liz looks like she's put on a couple pounds. What's your grocery bill running these days?"

    "Must hurt never to have any time alone in the bathroom with all those women in the house. That's important to a fella."

    Hopefully he'll invite me in for coffee.


  • At 8:45 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    I will make it a point to check the front window frequently for your arrival, so you won’t have to wait too long in the cold. I have repositioned my novel-writing position so I have clear view of the street in the front. Once I see you, I plan to say, “Say, dad! Isn’t that the model train salesman coming up the front walkway?” That is sure to get him out of the house to speak to you; even though he may be a little disappointed you are not there to sell him trains. Hopefully, he will not be in any state of undress when you arrive. Dad gets very excited about model trains and baggy clothes conceal his excitement better than others. Please look up and not down when you greet him.

    Your lines are excellent. May I also suggest using these lines?:

    “I understand you are a gambler, and I would like to help you win a bet.”

    "A guy could get sick of searching his twenty-six year old daughter’s room for drugs, booze, and sharp objects all the time."

    “You know they call me Caine, because I am a “caine-do” kind of guy.”

    ”It must wear on you, not having as many grandchildren as Mira and Wilf Sobinski. I know a way, to give you an instant grandchild to even the score.”

    "It must be tough, not being able to tell you daughters apart, ever since April turned 16. I can help you out by taking one of them off your hands and her little cat too.”

    With your lines and my lines, dad’s sure to invite you in for coffee.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:49 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It is interesting you wrote about your father and the coffee served up by George Stibbs. When I was on my prison escape from the Milborough Prison, I stayed for a brief time in the Stibbs home, and I can tell you his coffee is first rate. If you visit the house along with your mother, you should be sure to get a cup.

    In the event your father and mother end up buying his house and they force you to move with them, I can tell you the bedrooms are tiny, but there is a full basement, with plenty of room for a band to practice. This, in combination with the large, 3-lot yard, might allow your band to play as loudly as you wish without inconveniencing the neighbours. I know you would rather not leave the house of your birth, since you went through all the effort to decorate your room last summer, but sometimes it is better to look to the future than to have to deal with your brother for your last 2 years of senior secondary. Besides, you know he has ruined whatever furniture you bought by now.

    Today was a great day for me. Since it is Easter Monday, Becky had the day off from school and she spent the entire day with me at Portrait Magazine. At first my assistant, Francine, was a little concerned I was spending most of the day in my office with an attractive 16-year-old girl, but I informed her we were engaged to each other, and we showed her our rings, and she was happy to see them. Apparently, at least one of my predecessors in this position was less than discrete with underage girls who worked as advertising models for the magazine, what Francine referred to as his “sylphan lovelies”, and he was very lucky not to have been caught. As Francine put it quite mysteriously by saying, “If a man protests too much about under aged models being too raunchy for a family man, then he is obviously covering something up.” It seems odd to be a gay man, engaged to a 16-year-old girl, and yet be held up a paragon of virtue compared to the people who have worked as a senior editor before me.

    Tomorrow is my hearing for my acquittal and if successful, my release from the Mimico Correctional Centre. Becky wants to go house-hunting and does not want me to go apartment-hunting for myself, so I have agreed to forgo the apartment and go straight for the house. I haven’t been living in her house for a few months since I used to be the maid and cook there, but as near as I can tell it is not going well for Becky. There apparently was a bad situation when Becky and her mother came home one evening to find Dr. McCaulay in the hot tub with 5 women named Nancy, Liuba, Allison, Laura, and Jackie. Dr. McCaulay said they were women with a strong influence in important areas, but neither Becky nor her mother believed him.

    I told Becky I probably could not afford a home as nice as Dr. Ted McCaulay’s and she seems to be happy with that. I am so fortunate she is not a woman who insists on having a house with 4 bedrooms, when we can’t afford them. Besides Becky says we can always get a bigger house when her career takes off again, i.e. overcomes the devastatingly bad publicity she got from the Gym / Jam disaster of last October. She’s looking forward to the time when she can walk through the Milborough Mall and get harassed for an autograph again, instead of being left alone. I had not planned to buy a home in Milborough considering my history there, but if Becky is living with me and finishing out school, that’s where we will have to buy.

    I will sure to let you know how my appeal goes tomorrow. If I am successful in getting released from prison, Mr. Gluttson has promised to pay me an actual salary for the senior editor position. He said he can’t pay me as much as my predecessor since I would be an ex-convict and have no magazine editor experience. My predecessor at least had a journalism degree with no magazine editor experience, so he got paid more. Nevertheless, the salary is much more than I have been paid at any other job I have ever had, (well except for the time I worked for the Sultan of Brunei as his…um…well, you are over 16 now, so I will tell you in private, if you are interested.) I was quite impressed by Mr. Gluttson’s generosity. He said to me, “Nonsense, Howard. Graydon Carter makes $2 million a year. Your salary is nothing compared to that.” I had to admit that was true, nevertheless, the salary offer was more than I had expected and easily enough to make a mortgage payment, and I really hope I am acquitted so that I can take it. I also hope tonight is my last night in Mimico.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gd luck, howard! i will ask u abt the sultan of brunei next time i c u in person.

    scarily, i think the lines mike an' anthony r discussing wd totally work w/dad. an' i don't wanna think abt him an' his baggy "here comes the choo-choo salesperson" clothes. ick.



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