Secrets and Scores
Yeah, so the day B4 yesterday, when I showed up @ school w/my new look? Ger was standing just inside the doors when I got there (I'm not sure Y didn't ride the bus w/me like he usually does), and sum big guy w/a huge gap betw his front teeth was all, "Whoa! Congratulations on the birthday, April!" And a chubby guy w/big teeth was all, "Sweet 16 an' 'never been kissed'!!!" Ger put his hands on my shoulders while standing behind and slitely 2 1 side of me while saying, "Oh, I wdn't say that!" I was all, "Shut up, Gerald!" The gap-toothed guy was like, "Hoooo!" And the other guy went, "He sed U almost got caught when yr folks came home early from a party!" And the gap-toothed guy sed, "He had 2 sneak out the back door an' grab a taki!" Ger laffed while showing his upper teeth, which my mom sez is a sign of boorishness.
After those two guys receded in2 silhouette a small ways away, I asked Ger, "Y R U telling the guys about things that R totally PERSONAL?" And Ger was like, "Hey, U've told yr girlfriends, haven't U?" And I was all, "That's different. 2 US, it's a SECRET... 2 U, it's a SCORE!!" And Ger looked all gobsmacked, so I guess he hadn't thought of it that way.
OTOH, I told all of U abt our nite here on the blog, but that's different, 2. It's BLOGGING, not a SCORE, eh?
Apes
After those two guys receded in2 silhouette a small ways away, I asked Ger, "Y R U telling the guys about things that R totally PERSONAL?" And Ger was like, "Hey, U've told yr girlfriends, haven't U?" And I was all, "That's different. 2 US, it's a SECRET... 2 U, it's a SCORE!!" And Ger looked all gobsmacked, so I guess he hadn't thought of it that way.
OTOH, I told all of U abt our nite here on the blog, but that's different, 2. It's BLOGGING, not a SCORE, eh?
Apes
Labels: Gerald
posted by April Patterson @ 6:26 AM
19 Comments:
At 11:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
Whatevs, babe. I'm not down with your double standard. I did what you did. In the future, if you're gonna get all hormonal an' make up stupid rules I gotta follow, TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE FIRST, okay? Sheesh. Now I'm thinkin' I don't like "April at 16" so much. She's got too much 'tude. Maybe all the hairspray fumes gave you brain damage, yo.
My next song is, "Baby's Too Full of Herself."
Out, G-Dog
At 11:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
Town of Milborough
Johnston Institute for Better Living
RECOMMENDATION FORM FOR MARITAL EVALUATION
Note to Caseworker: Once you have completed this section, please contact and forward this form with all supporting documentation to your JIFBL Consulting Psychologist for review.
SECTION I: COMPLETED BY CASEWORKER (Please Print)
1. Date: April 4, 2007
2. Name of Person Being Evaluated: Joe Castor-Dents
3. D.O.B.: February 2, 1991
4. Relationship to JIFBL Ward: Attends R.P. Boire Senior Secondary School with ward.
5. Name of JIFBL Ward: April Patterson
6. Name of Caseworker: Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
7. JIFBL Region/Site/Field: Milborough, Ontario
8. Contact person’s name (if applicable): Michael Patterson
9. ADMINISTRATIVE REASONS FOR REQUESTING EVALUATION (please check all that apply):
Corbeil Order
Patterson Requested - X
Spousal Placement Review Team
Adult Guardianship
10. CLINICAL REASONS FOR REQUESTING EVALUATION (please check all that apply):
Marital Diagnosis unclear - X
Parenting abilities to determine childhood sweetheart uncertain - X
Not progressing in normal romantic relationship - X
Change in daily appearance - X
Question about social/interpersonal, emotional or cognitive functioning at
home, school, or community - X
Recommend from prior assessment or another Patterson - X
Other (please specify)
11. Do you believe the individual is actively using alcohol or drugs?
Yes - X
No
Don’t Know
12. Has the client ever participated in mental health or substance abuse services?
Yes
No - X
13. Has the client had a previous psychological evaluation?
Yes
No - X
14. Jewelry offered as form of engagement
Engagement ring
Promise ring
Plastic ring
Beer can pull tab
Rubber band
Washer
Twisted pretzel - X
Other, specify
15. Clients stated reason for proposing:
If she’s willing to kiss Gerald Forsythe, then she would kiss anyone, even a guy with giant beaver teeth.
16. Clients stated qualification for marriage:
I once won a wood-biting contest with Sunny Baudelaire
17. CLIENT PRESENTS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS THAT MUST BE ACCOMODATED DURING THE EVALUATION:
Primary language other than English, specify:
Hearing-impaired
Vision-impaired
Physically-disabled
Dentally-impaired - X
Rapidly-aged
Other, specify
18. Please describe what event(s) in the case or in the individual’s behaviors lead to referral for an evaluation at this time:
Client proposed to April Patterson offering her a twisted pretzel as a promise ring, and the offer to live with her in a log cabin in Winnipeg where he would cut the logs for the cabin with his own teeth.
19. Rejected / Deferred/ Destroyed. Use space below to explain reasons for doing so.
Rejected. Joe Castor-Dents has such pronounced front teeth, it is feared that a kissing session with April Patterson would result in her being severely wounded. He is unsuitable childhood sweetheart material for April Patterson.
At 11:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
Town of Milborough
Johnston Institute for Better Living
RECOMMENDATION FORM FOR MARITAL EVALUATION
Note to Caseworker: Once you have completed this section, please contact and forward this form with all supporting documentation to your JIFBL Consulting Psychologist for review.
SECTION I: COMPLETED BY CASEWORKER (Please Print)
1. Date: April 4, 2007
2. Name of Person Being Evaluated: Beavis Cornholio
3. D.O.B.: March 8, 1993
4. Relationship to JIFBL Ward: Attends R.P. Boire Senior Secondary School with ward.
5. Name of JIFBL Ward: April Patterson
6. Name of Caseworker: Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
.
. (Material not repeated)
.
14. Jewelry offered as form of engagement
Engagement ring
Promise ring
Plastic ring
Beer bottle pull tab- X
Twisted pretzel
Other, specify
15. Clients stated reason for proposing:
I want to score with a chick, and April is a chick. I don't score because chicks don't think I’m manly enough, so I proposed.
16. Clients stated qualification for marriage:
I feel like I’m never gonna score! And chicks don’t wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!
17. CLIENT PRESENTS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS THAT MUST BE ACCOMODATED DURING THE EVALUATION:
Primary language other than English, specify: MTV English Slang - X
Hearing-impaired
Vision-impaired
Physically-disabled
Dentally-impaired
Other, specify
18. Please describe what event(s) in the case or in the individual’s behaviors lead to referral for an evaluation at this time:
Client proposed to April Patterson offering her beer bottle pull tab as an engagement ring, and the offer to star with him on his television show, once he got one, claiming he had a show in the United States at one time, and had dyed his hair brown and was passing himself off as a Canadian to take advantage of Canadian entertainment laws favouring Canadian entertainers.
19. Rejected / Deferred/ Destroyed. Use space below to explain reasons for doing so.
Destroyed. Beavis Cornholio grunts when he laughs and has such a nasal voice, no woman would be able to tolerate him for long, unless he had a stroke and lost the ability to speak (See Notes on James Richards: Tolerance) . He also likes to the say the word “bunghole” almost all the time. He is unsuitable childhood sweetheart material for April Patterson and for the rest of the world.
At 1:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, there’s a woman @the skool who iz interviewin’ all the guys who have proposed 2u. my v-girl vanessa sed she duzn’t want me 2b interviewed. i’m thinkin’ ‘bout hidin’ out. neway, i’m not sure y ur so upset peeps know gerald kissed u. u’ve been kissin’ him since u were in grade 6 & every1 knows that. w8 a minute. u wudn’t b upset & talkin’ ‘bout secrets & scorin’ unless it wuz more than kissin’. no wondah rebeccah thot u had broke ur pinky swear.
At 1:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I know exactly about what you speak. On those occasions in which I can get my lovely Deanna to kiss me, I feel like I have scored with the hottest girl in the house.
However, when Elizabeth and I have had our evenings, which we have been spent talking, just the two of us, about life and love; those are personal and secret. I would never share with the world whether or not Elizabeth has ever had any overnight guests and engaged in kissing and/or drinking wine with them. Those moments are too private.
Even when you and I communicate in silence with a look or a gesture, I don’t share those looks or gestures with anyone else, particularly the gestures with the middle finger.
I hope your boyfriend realized the errors of his way, and corrected the situation with flowers or chocolate.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
as u know from the gossip spreading around this school over the past coupla weeks, ger has been telling ppl that there was waaaayyyy more than kissing. if only u'd heard the WAY that beavis sed "kiss," u'd KNOW he meant sumthing much more controversial than "kiss." it's not WHAT he sed, but HOW he sed it.
ger, dr. artemis has advised me not 2 respond 2 yr post. sorry.
apes
At 1:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yeah, I figured as much. This is just training for being your husband, isn't it? Take lots of abuse from your woman an' shut up about it. Sounds like your dad's life, all right.
Well, what you don't know is, G-Dog is tuff. He can take whatever crap Baby dishes out.
Out, G-Dog
At 1:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
Baby, don't bring lunch tomorrow. I am gonna bring you some roasted chicken, couscous, and fresh fruit for dessert.
Then I am gonna let you berate me during our whole free period. However much you wanna berate me is cube by me. You can even throw stuff at my head if you want.
G-Dog is the best husband material in school, yo!
At 2:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
In case you didn't notice, baby, I hired a matrimonial advisor too. G-Dog is in this hunt.
At 5:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
I have advised Miss Patterson that the lunch offer from Gerald Forsythe is acceptable. She is to make no assertions regarding his suitability as "husband material," however.
Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
At 5:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, Diana lady, what about my awesome plans for free period?
Also, I think my baby deserves a space of her own. My dad says I can turn the conservatory at our house into a sewing room for my li'l April flower.
G-Dog
At 6:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mr. Forsythe, I have advised Miss Patterson that while your offer to allow her to throw objects at your head is certainly a grand gesture that will be duly noted in our files, she is to refrain from doing so as your school has a non-violence policy. We do not want Miss Patterson to be subjected to detention, suspension, or other disciplinary measures.
Your offer to provide housing to Miss Patterson is also to be noted in her file, but her parents are not allowing her to vacate the Patterson home.
Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
At 7:25 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Apes,
Do I get 2 beat Gerald up yet?
MCDunC
At 8:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
If you feel Gerald's offense rates either a purple nurple, indian burn, noogies, or a full out RKD Hai-Keeba smackdown, please let me know. I have to do something drastic to impress your sister, who is reminding me more and more of Dory from "Finding Nemo," gazing wonderingly at whatever brightly colored object or person who glides across her path.
Anthony
At 8:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I love Finding Nemo. Maybe someday we can watch it together after you tell the story about how I comforted you again.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:16 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, sorry, but dr. artemis doesn't want ne of my "childhood sweethearts or potential childhood sweethearts to inflict physical damage upon any other childhood sweethearts or potential childhood sweethearts."
anthony, she also doesn't want ne of liz's childhood sweethearts 2 do so, either. i noticed the gazing thing w/liz l8ly.
shannon, wha?
apes
At 10:38 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Apes, wld u tell Evah that we dont need a nu drummer. Ive been sort of living in the theatre wing of her mansion 4 days & days watching audition DVDs. Id like 2 go home.
L8r.
MCDunC
p.s. Sorry, Apes, Im not going 2 b yr childhood sweetheart. U r my bud, not my gf, even if u do look rilly rilly hawt since u went roadside.
At 11:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ah hah! u did go roadside! i thot it wuz 2 weird 4u2 get upset ovah just kissin' gerald. now duncan haz admitted it & & he's ur bud & he haz a history of knowin' thoze kinda thingz, or @least pretendin' he knowz 'bout them. az i sed b4, if u needta talk 'bout it, i am willin' 2 lissen, altho if u give 2 many deets 'bout gerald's anatomy, i mite hafta stop u.
by the way, i escaped frum b-ing interviewed by that lady @skool, evn tho peeps kept tellin' me all day she wunted 2 talk 2 me & duncan. i dunno if duncan talked 2 her or not. it sounds like he'z livin' ovah @eva's place. she'z gotta a rilly nice place. i wudn't mind livin' there.
At 12:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Well I know you will lie about this incident in your blog tomorrow so I will tell the whole truth now, today after school, I was looking at some classified ads for apartments and April came up to me to ask some advice which is pretty normal since I am a worldly wise woman ten years older than her, even if she is dressing like some kind of trollop, anyway, I told her how I was looking for my own place because of the following reasons:
1) Too many people in the house means it's too crowded and there's no privacy so I can't get my work done for school, which is a problem now that I am supposed to be buckling up.
2) Mike and Dee are not "get it done" kinds of people but I am, after a mere ten months, I am moving out on my own.
3) April is not the only person in the house with style, I have style too, as my glasses and my green sweatshirt and my licking the end of my pencil in a jaunty manner should indicate to any idiot with a brain, and the crowdedness is cramping my style all up, which is why my shirt was kind of wrinkled.
Well then that brat April had to go and make a crack about how she didn't know I had any style, so I chased her and yelled, "DO YOU WANT SOME CRAMPS?" with the newspaper in my fist, since it was the closest thing at hand to beat April up with, I mostly had to resort to my fist though, wow, it felt like such an amazing release and so satisfactory, just like the old days when I used to beat April regular-like, maybe more on this story tomorrow.
Liz
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