Dad Musta Appealed 2 Mom's [Potato] Nosiness
So, after Liz finished swatting me with a newspaper Monday afternoon, she took off 2 have a look @ an apt. After I changed in2 my "home" clothes, I started doing my h'work in the kitchen, and then Mom came alone, all, "I just saw Elizabeth drive away, April.-- Do U know where she's going?" And insteada being all, "It's not my turn 2 watch her," I was like, "2 check out an apt." Mom started 2 get dog food outta the cabinet and meanwhile sed, "If Elizabeth finds a nice apt, U can move back upstairs." Y does Mom never say "Liz" NEmore? NEway, I was all, "I don't want her room, Mom-- I want my own room back!" As Mom splorted dog food in2 one of the doggie bowls, Mom was like, "Well, I'm sure Mike and Deanna will find sumthing soon. They're thinking abt buying a house." When I asked, "Mr. Stibbs's house?" Mom replied, "I doubt it. There R only 2 bedrooms and the property's a problem. It's far 2 big. They'd have 2 sever the land, add on 2 the house... But we're going 2 look @ it NEway." When I asked "Y?" Mom sed, "I've never been inside Mr. Stibbs's house!"
My theory is that when Mike an' Dee were all "Boo Mr. Stibbs's house," Dad's brain was all plotting abt getting in there w/Mom NEway and hoping she'd, like, B charmed w/the place. Cuz every1 knows Dad wants 2 move in there w/his choo-choos and let Mike an' Dee buy our house. But Mom has been resisty every time Dad has introduced the idea of buying that little house, so I think he prolly sed sumthing like, "Elly. Do U realize we have NEVER been inside the Stibbs house? Rn'te U CURIOUS 2 C the inside of the place?" Cuz Mom is hella nosy. And I don't mean in the sense that she has a giant schnozz, even tho that's true, 2 (Liz and I R sooooo still saving up 4 rhinoplasty, cuz Mom useta have a small, cute nose). But NEway, yeah, I mean cuz she likes 2 B all up in ppl's biznazz!
And OMG, Ger is being so sweet this week! I can hardly w8 until our d8! Oh, w8, Dr. Artemis, the "childhood sweetheart consultant" lady fr. the Johnston Institute 4 Better Living told me 2 limit my comments abt it 2 "the d8 soundz eminently acceptable."
Apes
My theory is that when Mike an' Dee were all "Boo Mr. Stibbs's house," Dad's brain was all plotting abt getting in there w/Mom NEway and hoping she'd, like, B charmed w/the place. Cuz every1 knows Dad wants 2 move in there w/his choo-choos and let Mike an' Dee buy our house. But Mom has been resisty every time Dad has introduced the idea of buying that little house, so I think he prolly sed sumthing like, "Elly. Do U realize we have NEVER been inside the Stibbs house? Rn'te U CURIOUS 2 C the inside of the place?" Cuz Mom is hella nosy. And I don't mean in the sense that she has a giant schnozz, even tho that's true, 2 (Liz and I R sooooo still saving up 4 rhinoplasty, cuz Mom useta have a small, cute nose). But NEway, yeah, I mean cuz she likes 2 B all up in ppl's biznazz!
And OMG, Ger is being so sweet this week! I can hardly w8 until our d8! Oh, w8, Dr. Artemis, the "childhood sweetheart consultant" lady fr. the Johnston Institute 4 Better Living told me 2 limit my comments abt it 2 "the d8 soundz eminently acceptable."
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 5:45 AM
17 Comments:
At 9:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
Town of Milborough
Johnston Institute for Better Living
RECOMMENDATION FORM FOR MARITAL EVALUATION
Note to Caseworker: Once you have completed this section, please contact and forward this form with all supporting documentation to your JIFBL Consulting Psychologist for review.
SECTION I: COMPLETED BY CASEWORKER (Please Print)
1. Date: April 6, 2007
2. Name of Person Being Evaluated: Duncan Anderson
3. D.O.B.: Sign of Gemini, 1991
4. Relationship to JIFBL Ward: Attends R.P. Boire Senior Secondary School with ward; "buds" since pre-K; co-band members.
5. Name of JIFBL Ward: April Patterson
6. Name of Caseworker: Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
.
. (Material not repeated)
.
14. Jewelry offered as form of engagement
Engagement ring
Promise ring
Plastic ring
Beer bottle pull tab
Twisted pretzel
Other, specify- X Ring fashioned from deli-sliced turkey
15. Client's stated reason for proposing:
Aypo is Dunkie's best friend! Dunkie wanna marry best friend! (Note: this occurred when client was four years old)
16. Clients stated qualification for marriage:
Dunkie is super-awesome!
17. CLIENT PRESENTS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS THAT MUST BE ACCOMODATED DURING THE EVALUATION:
Primary language other than English, specify:
Hearing-impaired
Vision-impaired
Physically-disabled
Dentally-impaired
Other, specify - X Breaks into playing "air bass" seemingly at random
18. Please describe what event(s) in the case or in the individual’s behaviors lead to referral for an evaluation at this time:
Client proposed to April Patterson when he and Miss Patterson were in pre-K together. Client currently denies that he is interested in marrying Miss Patterson, because "we are buds and we will always buds. That's all." However, both Elly Patterson and the Queen Bee of Corbeil have marked Mr. Anderson with their stamp of approval, so his eligibility must not be discounted.
19. Rejected / Deferred/ Destroyed. Use space below to explain reasons for doing so. N/A; Mr. Anderson qualifies as "childhood sweetheart" and "potential Patterson husband" material.
At 1:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Town of Milborough
Johnston Institute for Better Living
RECOMMENDATION FORM FOR MARITAL EVALUATION
Note to Caseworker: Once you have completed this section, please contact and forward this form with all supporting documentation to your JIFBL Consulting Psychologist for review.
SECTION I: COMPLETED BY CASEWORKER (Please Print)
1. Date: April 5, 2007
2. Name of Person Being Evaluated: Jeremy Jones
3. D.O.B.: March 31, 1991
4. Relationship to JIFBL Ward: Attends R.P. Boire Senior Secondary School with ward, first boy known to be affected by the ward’s allure, officially designated “bully” of ward.
5. Name of JIFBL Ward: April Patterson
6. Name of Caseworker: Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
.
. (Material not repeated)
.
14. Jewelry offered as form of engagement
Engagement ring
Promise ring – X - apparently purchased a long time ago when fake-engaged to Becky McGuire, and brought on occasions when the allure strikes him
Plastic ring
Beer bottle pull tab
Twisted pretzel
Other, specify
15. Clients stated reason for proposing:
Sometimes April gets a certain way, and I feel like I am going to die if I don’t propose, and the only thing which makes me feel better is proposing. It’s against my will though. Only if April does that allure thing.
16. Clients stated qualification for marriage:
I’d like to do better than my dad did.
17. CLIENT PRESENTS WITH SPECIAL NEEDS THAT MUST BE ACCOMODATED DURING THE EVALUATION:
Primary language other than English, specify:
Hearing-impaired
Vision-impaired
Physically-disabled
Dentally-impaired
Other, specify – Client appears to be severely age-impaired. His listed age is 16, but in physical form he appears to be about 40 years old. As we know from our JIFBL studies, this is a sign of extreme virility and heterosexuality in Milborough males, ideal for fathering healthy, well-behaved and intelligent children (See case notes on Gordon Mayes: Children of).
18. Please describe what event(s) in the case or in the individual’s behaviors lead to referral for an evaluation at this time:
Client proposed to April Patterson and has done so each and every time she has demonstrated her Patterson allure. Incidents of this response go back to elementary school days, even though it did not follow the form of a tradition proposal. (See case notes on James Richards Harmonica: Scenic Travels of) Client has received the official designation as Patterson school bully for April Patterson, and is due for a conversion to good. (See case notes on Michael Patterson: Brad Luggsworth, Conversion of and Elizabeth Patterson: Candace Halloran, Conversion of. Client has demonstrated evil in the last year (See case notes on Becky McGuire Humiliation: Gym / Jam, Sound Quality of, and Shannon Lake Retard: Insultation and Term Definition).
19. Rejected / Deferred/ Destroyed. Use space below to explain reasons for doing so.
Deferred. Jeremy Jones is unsuitable for April Patterson in his current unconverted bully state. She has received instructions on how to perform the bully conversion. It was impressed upon her that this was one of the rites of passage for a Patterson to adulthood. Miss Patterson was under the impression bully conversion was not required for adult hood. (See case notes on Eleanor Patterson: Abysmal parenting skills of) She was then exposed to her family history which showed bully conversion for all the adult Pattersons and Richards. April Patterson seemed to be quite surprised to learn her neighbour Connie Poirier was her mother’s former university bully, now converted. After April has successfully performed the conversion, then the client can be re-evaluated for marital suitability.
At 1:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Your face and lips seem to be maintaining their new form, and unlike the Lizardbreath, when she underwent the same procedure, you appear to be keeping some brain power about you. You could not be more correct about our father’s plotting with respect to our mother and George Stibbs’ house. He and my wife have been having furtive conversations at the dinner table over the subject, and from what I can pick up, dad expects George Stibb’s house’s marble countertops, oak trim and tile floors to win her over. Dad thinks the aspect of sweeping and not vacuuming, may prove irresistible for mom. Either that or it is the lure of seeing the room where Mrs. Stibbs’ had her fatal heart attack over a year ago, supposedly brought on by being surprised by some man looking in her window. Dad was hanging about the house a lot in those days. I wonder if he saw the killer (indirectly of course).
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, April flower,
After school today, I have some free time. We could get together off-campus for a berating session if you want. You can yell at me about what a pig I am, and throw something at my head. Then we could enjoy a chaste hug as I try to soothe you.
Mater and Pater were thinking about buying me a Pavo for my 16th birthday, but I told them I would like to sacrifice that and drive Dad's old car, and use the Pavo money to buy you a brand-new luxury Crevasse. I called Gordon Mayes and he has a royal blue one with the Deluxe Cupholder Package, if you're interested. Let me know. I hear buying a car from him can take months, so I'd like to get started right away.
G-Dog
P.S.--Do you know when Ms. Artemis is going to get around to evaluating me?
At 1:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i do not needta b converted 2 good. stick w/gerald. the brochure u left me ‘bout the easter seal society of ontario & ontario march of dimes & the invite 2 work w/u on their fundraiser 2 provide services 4 individuals w/physical disabilities is nice, but…it’s not rilly my thing. thanx neway.
At 2:00 PM,
howard said…
April,
My hearing for my appeal is on Monday and I plan to kiss the Mimico Correctional Centre good-bye if I get my acquittal. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, is very confident I will.
Mr. Gluttson of Portrait Magazine asked if I would stay on to work as senior editor after I am no longer on the prisoner work release program. I told him I could do so with the understanding that I would need time off for my wedding, and I would need to be paid more than sandwiches at lunch and supper. Mr. Gluttson said he would have to think about it, but I think he may accept. My co-senior editor Morrie Saltzman has not been around in awhile, so I think Mr. Gluttson might be inclined to meet my demands.
If I am acquitted, I plan to spend the next day looking for a nice apartment, preferably one that doesn’t use a property-management company. With those, whenever you have a repair problem, you can’t complain directly to the property-management company if they don’t do it. They have no legal obligation to you, only the owner. If they are unresponsive to the owner, then there is nothing you can do about it. Thanks goodness the days where the owners of an apartment house would charge extra for room and board if the tenant used a lot of tissues exist only in Charles Dickens novels, if there. Ideally, a security building with a laundry would be perfect. I saw one apartment complex that advertised itself because it had bathtubs, an elevator and balconies. Are there apartments without bathtubs? Who cares about elevators and balconies? It was a strange advertisement. It actually said, “Attention Pattersons” on the front. Quite odd.
Anyway, I hope to be able to shop with you soon. I haven’t seen you in so long, and from what Becky tells me, I will probably not recognize you when I see you.
Howard Bunt
At 2:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, April flower,
I heard you complaining after French class that school was annoying and "sucks donkey balls" since you got a B- on the pop quiz. I just wanted you to know, if you decide you are sick of school, I can provide you with a way out. If you want to drop out of school, all you have to do is tell me. We will get married, and then we can get you "accidentally" pregnant so you have no choice but to drop out and not finish your studies. It also gives you the perfect excuse to whine about how you had no choice and wish you had finished, but can't, for at least 18 years afterwards. Just let me know if you ever want to take me up on this offer.
Also, I can use my trust fund money to buy a house for us. My advisor says that he is pretty sure that Anne and Steve Nichols can be strong-armed out of their house in less than six months, with the right persuasion. He says that George Stibbs's across-the-street neighbor (Mr. Sparks) will be trickier, but that house is more perfect because he too is a former railroader with a keen eye for home improvements.
My advisor says to tell you not to be afraid to make this choice, because we will survive somehow. My advisor has been counseling me about a lucrative career in dentistry, which he says is ideal to keep a Patterson woman in oops babies, oversize luxury cars, central vacuums, and hobby businesses for many, many years.
G-dog is way serious in his love for you, baby.
G-Dog
At 2:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
howie! don't u think u should b thinking abt buying a HOUSE?!? married peeps need a house. u an' me will b married in less than 2 years. i had dad talk 2 louis "the legbreaker" lende-argent, and louis says that we can afford a $600,000 house based on your amazing job at portrait and my career as a pop star, even tho we r still inexplicably broke. i think u an' me should go househunting asap. a proper married couple duzn't live in an apartment.
becks
At 3:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mr. Forsythe, your advisor has been quite adamant about wanting to delay your evaluation in order to give you the maximum number of opportunities to prove yourself worthy "Patterson spouse" material. When I asked about a timeframe, I was told "sometime between now and September."
Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
Senior Fellow
Johnston Institute For Better Living
At 3:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, i was upset abt the pop quiz, but i don't wanna quit school. i still wanna finish hs and go on 2 vet school.
apes
At 3:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April baby, anything you want is fine by me, you know that. You are the boss of me. That is the proper way in a good relationship. I know that now.
By the way, while you are in vet school, what am I supposed to do? Is dental school all right with you, baby? I need you to approve my career track.
Much love, G-Dog
P.S.--Let me know what you want me to do about the car, okay?
At 3:47 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
The apartment would only be temporary until we are married. Your father Thorvald is pretty insistent we get married before September. He keeps saying something about Ragnarök will occur in September, and if we want to get married, we have to do it before then. There’s no Ragnarök on any calendars around Portrait, so I don’t know where Thorvald gets his dates from. However, I would love to go house-hunting with you after I am acquitted, which will hopefully be next week. I have really missed spending time with you. House-hunting would be great fun.
Howard Bunt
At 4:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, dental school soundz cube. dr. artemis sez i'm not allowed 2 answer abt the car. @ least until after i get my g1 licence.
apes
At 4:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, April flower,
So, are you dead-set on me going to dental school? What if, say, I was hoping you would be very proud of being a veterinarian and able to support your spouse while he pursues a career in freelance writing music? Would that make me a bad candidate to be your Patterson spouse?
Curious, G-Dog
At 8:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mr. Forsythe, we are looking into whether the "Michael Patterson" subclause of chapter 7, article 32 of the Patterson-Richards Accord of 1979 can be applied to the male spouse of a Patterson woman. I have 12 research assistants looking into this at the moment.
Diana Artemis, Esq., Ph.D., Ed.D.
At 3:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. You may recollect from my monthly letter for this month, I said I trusted the logic that passes between my wife and my father at the dinner table when it comes to purchasing a house and taking on a mortgage. Well, it did finally occur to my wife and my father, that perhaps some of that logic should be passed to me. I think the moment occurred when my wife and father said I would need to be present for signing papers for home mortgages and home purchases, and I responded, “Why? I trust you!”
Shortly thereafter, I was invited to the dinner table with my lovely wife Deanna and my father wearing a sweater and a shirt with rolled up sleeves. I thought, “Both a sweater and a shirt rolled up. I wonder why he didn’t just take the sweater off, if he was so hot.” This of course, was not the message. My father showed me a bunch of papers and he pointed at the numbers on them. Deanna also had a lovely presentation where she took a shorter piece of paper to emphasize and conceal the points she was making. I think I would have felt better about it, had Deanna’s presentation not had little pithy statements like “House = Good”, “Apartment = Bad”, “Living With Mom = Bad”, “Wife Needs Own House to be Happy” and things along those lines. I really thought it was overdone. I used to have to manage a budget at Portrait Magazine after all. So, I positioned my chin in my hand, and lodged my elbow on the table to hold up my chin and head in order to keep from passing out from boredom.
Finally dad seemed to be finishing up when he summarized, “So, with what you have in the bank, plus the money Dee’s parents have offered you—the advance on your book, and some help from us…--I think you could easily afford to buy a house in this neighborhood.” I was following him until he said the States spelling of neighbourhood. Then I got confused. Sharon Park Lane is not in the United States. Not only that but the Stibbs’ house for sale in this neighbourhood is too small for us. And since when has dad been calling Deanna, “Dee”? And why won’t dad ever tell us how much he and mom are contributing instead of always saying “some help”? My lovely Deanna mistook my confusion for worry. She said, “Don’t look so worried! We’ve done the math!” Frankly after the presentation I sat through, they had not only done the math, but wined and dined it and raised a family with it as well.
Then Deanna gave me that same old excuse she has been using for the last 4 months about why we can’t get a new apartment. She said, “Besides, the cost of renting an apartment, even THIS close to Toronto, would…” I cut her off with an “I know, I know.” because I didn’t want to hear this tired excuse again. The truth of the matter is that we could have gotten a new apartment, but not one which Deanna wanted. Even though we lived with 2 bedrooms in Lovey Saltzman’s apartment building, Deanna wanted 4 bedrooms; which essentially doubled the price of the apartment rent we were used to paying. Not only that, but she insisted we could not move to an apartment of any smaller size than that. I didn’t think getting a separate sewing room was that important, but once you have had your children sleeping in someone else’s sewing room, it opens your eyes to things…like sewing.
I tried to tell my lovely Deanna and my father why I was concerned. I said, “It’s just that buying a house is such a huge decision. It’s a life-changing commitment….” Then my mind wandered, trying to think of all the big decisions I had made in my life. There was my job offer for my Portrait Magazine job. Did I take it or did I go into debt? That was not really much of a choice. Then I thought about the last time we chose a place to live. But Lovey Saltzman’s apartments were pointed out to us by Josef Weeder, and the deal for living there was very good. So that was not really much of a choice either. Then I thought back to 2001, my marriage year. I saw my lovely bride-to-be, as she insisted we live together, but not in sin, so we had to have a marriage performed before she moved in with me. Then after having done that, we had the large showy wedding, only for the purpose of allowing Deanna’s mom to fulfill her dream of having a daughter get married with a showy wedding. My decision to go along with 2 weddings. Now that was a really huge decision and a life-changing commitment. Most guys only have to do 1 wedding when they get married, but I had 2, and I have to lie through my teeth every time I talked to the Sobinskis about my wedding. After my mind had wandered, I had found the perfect example to compare to home purchase, and I said, “it’s…almost as bad as getting married!!”
Of course the minute I said it, I knew it didn’t come out right, mainly because I included the word “bad” in the same sentence as “getting married.” Deanna was pretty upset with me, and dad simply put his head down and cowered. I tried to explain I meant the two weddings thing, but it didn’t help. After a long period of hissing, Deanna did finally calm down. Dad took me aside and said to me, “Son. You can expect to hear that phrase repeated over and over to you until the day you die.” He was very encouraging.
So, if you were wondering why Deanna was in that mood, it was because we are going to be homeowners. Some day. If a house in this neighbourhood ever opens up for sale.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:24 AM,
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