Liz has CRAMPS in her STYLE
Well, since Liz doesn't trust me, she posted this last nite:
And this stuff happed after school on Monday, BTW. The same day I unveiled my new look @ school. Liz doesn't care abt what day stuff happed cuz it's not in her "style" 2 do so!
BTW, Jeremy, no, Ger and I did not go "roadside." Even tho Dunc is my bud, he tends 2 believe and repeat rumours an' goss, even abt his buds.
Apes
I'm kinda bummed cuz I really thot I cd have this, like, heart-to-heart talk w/my sis abt stuff that's bothering me w/Ger and all, but she just hadta fall rite back in2 her old pattern of over-reacting 2 sum quip I make and d-ciding 2 pummel me 4 it. ::sigh::
April,
Well I know you will lie about this incident in your blog tomorrow so I will tell the whole truth now, today after school, I was looking at some classified ads for apartments and April came up to me to ask some advice which is pretty normal since I am a worldly wise woman ten years older than her, even if she is dressing like some kind of trollop, anyway, I told her how I was looking for my own place because of the following reasons:
1) Too many people in the house means it's too crowded and there's no privacy so I can't get my work done for school, which is a problem now that I am supposed to be buckling up.
2) Mike and Dee are not "get it done" kinds of people but I am, after a mere ten months, I am moving out on my own.
3) April is not the only person in the house with style, I have style too, as my glasses and my green sweatshirt and my licking the end of my pencil in a jaunty manner should indicate to any idiot with a brain, and the crowdedness is cramping my style all up, which is why my shirt was kind of wrinkled.
Well then that brat April had to go and make a crack about how she didn't know I had any style, so I chased her and yelled, "DO YOU WANT SOME CRAMPS?" with the newspaper in my fist, since it was the closest thing at hand to beat April up with, I mostly had to resort to my fist though, wow, it felt like such an amazing release and so satisfactory, just like the old days when I used to beat April regular-like, maybe more on this story tomorrow.
Liz
And this stuff happed after school on Monday, BTW. The same day I unveiled my new look @ school. Liz doesn't care abt what day stuff happed cuz it's not in her "style" 2 do so!
BTW, Jeremy, no, Ger and I did not go "roadside." Even tho Dunc is my bud, he tends 2 believe and repeat rumours an' goss, even abt his buds.
Apes
Labels: continuity, crowded house, Duncan, Gerald, Jeremy, Liz
posted by April Patterson @ 6:16 AM
22 Comments:
At 9:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m still tryin’ 2 avoid that lady @ur skool interviewing all the guys who have proposed 2u. my v-girl vanessa has done a rilly good job hidin’ me, cuz she sez c-ing me sneak ‘round skool is v. victimificant.
i can unnerstand yu mite wanna talk 2 ur sis ‘bout ur luv life, cuz she’z a girl & all that. but, u know, i can’t think of a single tyme u2 have had a convo since she moved back in the house last september, where u hadda a convo w/her that wuzn’t ‘bout her. howevah, i gotta say, w/all the guyz ‘round skool who wud luv 2b ur bf, it makes u look good ur not like ur sis, cuz ur sis wud b stringin’ on all thoze guyz.
i dunno y sayin’ ur sis duzn’t have a style iz such a big insult, she wants 2 chase u ‘round the house with a rolled up newspaper. thass kinda weird, eh? if u told me i didn’t have a style, i wud say ur prolly rite, altho my v-girl vanessa sez i am rilly victimificant. ‘course i dunno if thass a style or not.
also, i gotta say i don’t unnerstand y u like duncan @all. he sez ur roadside & u say ur not. he messed ‘round w/the picton peeler, & messed up his relationship w/zandra, who iz a gr8 girl. i don’t like him @all.
neway, i like the idea ur tryin’ 2 find a way 2 work it out w/gerald, cuz wenevah i’m in a relationship w/a girl, i try 2 make it work out & not just quit. if u need a girl 2 talk ‘bout it w/, my v-girl vanessa is good 4 that. she luvs convos where sum1 is a victim.
At 9:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't know why you are trying to talk to your sister about Gerald. I am the one who is good at comforting you. I can show you two friends of mine who are special needs, and who are also boyfriend and girlfriend. Because of their disability, they can't kiss each other. They would make you feel a lot better about Gerald. If I see you in school, I will definitely make you feel better.
Your sister didn't hurt you too much with that newspaper did she? I hate paper cuts.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I have to say seeing the Lizardbreath chase you with a rolled up newspaper, like she was trying to discipline her cat caused me to laugh out loud. I don’t know of many things which are as funny a sight as that. I think my whole family was amused. I said to them, “Now wasn’t that the funniest thing you ever saw?”
Deanna said watching mom shave her sheets was funnier, because it was so stupid. She said watching me make a roast last weekend was very funny too. I guess it was funny in retrospect, but at the time, I certainly wasn’t amused. I had to listen to the Lizardbreath say, what seemed like a thousand times, “I didn’t know you could burn the butt off a roast.” What can I say? I was busy putting the finishing touches on my monthly letter. You know how I am about my writing.
My children said the noises you and your boyfriend made the night of my party, were very funny. They did some imitations of the noises. They were great. You should hear my daughter say, “Oh Gerald!” while making a noise which sounds something like a dog panting. I did laugh again. Deanna told me it wasn’t funny at all and she was all hissy about it, so I didn’t argue the point.
Oh, I forgot one. Deanna loves it when she says, “I think if we buy the Stibb’s house, we will sever the property” to dad. She says his eyes bug out of his head every time she says it.
All those things are pretty funny, formerly little sis, but I still think seeing Elizabeth chase you with the rolled up newspaper was the funniest. You just can’t go wrong with classic humour from the old days.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:10 AM,
howard said…
April,
I wish I could see your new style of dressing. I don’t know if I approve or not. Becky tells me it looks like a combination of Japanese school girl and 19th century Canadian statesman with chest hair. I am having a hard time picturing that. Becky also says your head looks a lot like your sister-in-law Deanna, except with different hair. She says it means you have lost the cute pear-shaped jawline you used to have in favour of a more rounded one, and you have plumped up your lips. When I get back to Milborough, I hope I can recognize you.
My 30 days of incarceration for my jail break are almost up, and then I will have my hearing at the Ontario Court of Appeal to see if I can get acquitted. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, is so positive about the possibility of getting acquitted, he is practically jubilant when he talks about it. It is encouraging to me. I don’t mind staying in the Mimico Correctional Centre, but it is too crowded. I have a hard time getting the space to do the shamp-Ohs for the ladies who have conjugal visits on the weekends. Nobody has any privacy. I can’t wait to get out. Living in a correctional centre cramps my style. In other words, I feel a lot like your sister does, except of course, I have good reason to feel that way. Your sister’s situation is a little, shall we say, self-imposed.
I hope to see you soon, and I hope you don’t look too different.
Howard Bunt
At 11:04 AM,
April Patterson said…
shannon, i don't want u 2 show me ppl who r "worse off" than i m. it doesn't make me feel better. really it doesn't. pls don't do it nemore.
mike, i m actually v. tired of liz chasing me like that. @ least she sez she's moving out soon. if she's not around, no chasing, eh?
jeremy, i know u have yr "dunc" issues. i've had a chat w/him abt the whole "roadside" thing.
howard, i don't have chest hair. it seemz there r peeps who saw badly colourized pix of me in the outfit i had on monday, and they mistook my lace cami 4 chest hair. v. v. weird.
apes
At 12:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo Ape-babe, I made us a reservation for Saturday at Tres Chere. Just so your marital evaluator knows, I will be presenting you with candy, flowers, and a pearl necklace (the jewelry kind) at that time. You may feel free to wear uncomfortable, impractical footwear that requires me to carry you around all night while you complain about how much your shoes suck. Then, at the end of the night, you can make me go dump your shoes in the Salvation Army box. My own counselor tells me this is the height of romance for a Patterson couple.
Then, at the end of the night, you will tell me how I do something wrong. For example, how I load the books into your knapsack, or how I fold up your math homework. I will then make a corny pun that conveys how wonderful I think you are, and thereby how much I know that I suck, and we will retire to your comfy accommodation, but only to cuddle.
What do you say?
G-Dog
At 12:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Very well. I will find some other way to make you feel better and be comforted. You’ve responded so well every time I have compared my life to your life in past, I thought it would always work. Since you are wearing a lot more makeup and perfume, maybe I can ask the A-girls for ideas, when they come by the special needs kids to make fun of us.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 12:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Since we are so closely connected, I was able to sense your tiredness of being chased by the Lizardbreath. If you were in the room with me right now, I would communicate with you via a look or a gesture, that if you think Elizabeth is going to move out of our house anytime soon, you would be sadly mistaken. She’s been talking about moving out ever since she moved in back in September and her monthly letter clearly stated we should not expect an actual move until sometime in the summer after the universities are out. Although I don’t know of any universities in Milborough, so I don’t know how that will work. Nevertheless the promise of new lodgings for Elizabeth helps to keep her sane, which is a lot better than when she spent her evenings lying in bed with her stuffed rabbit.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m glad you’ve had a chat w/duncan ‘bout the whole “roadside” thing. now mebbe he will tell all the peeps he told, & the peeps those peeps told & on & on. mebbe he will evn paint ovah that stuff on the wall of the boys’ washroom. he is such a good bud, i know he’ll do @that 4u.
i gotta say tho, april, cuz u & gerald have been 2gethah since 2003, there’s a lotta peeps who r more mbarrased 4u if u haven’t gone “roadside”. it’s not like rebeccah wen she wuz in grade 8 goin’ “roadside” with jeffo bray in grade 12, wen she only knew him 4 a couple of weeks.
At 12:48 PM,
howard said…
April,
Of course a pretty girl like you doesn’t have chest hair. I only wish I was there to consult you on fashion, so you would not choose a lace cami which could be mistaken for chest hair. I know when I wear a lace cami, that is a particular concern for me, since I do have chest hair. My cami must be unmistakably un-chest-hair-like, or it does nothing for me. After I am acquitted, we must go shopping.
Howard Bunt
At 12:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
You're very wise and have this astonishing ability to be a great husband and father without ever being around your wife and kids. Plus you can communicate through looks and gestures, rather than taking all that time to say stuff. I need your help with something.
I feel like I'm fading, somehow. You know that recent SF movie "Back To The Future" where Michael J. Fox went Back to the Past and met his parents, only he kept them from meeting so his siblings started to disappear? That's kind of how I feel, like I'm getting more and more translucent.
I get the feeling that I won't be visible again until something really bad happens involving a helicopter or a pilot or something. Maybe you can use your amazing perceptive abilities that make you such a bestselling novelist and use them to discover when I'm going to feel myself again. Or better yet, feel Elizabeth again.
Anthony
At 2:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Anthony,
I am always glad to be of assistance to you, but first I must ascertain more details. When you say you are getting more and more translucent, is this anything like being a silhouette? I have seen many silhouettes in my time and while many of them are darkly black, ink-wasting things clogging up the landscape; some of them (particularly those I see on Sundays) are lightly-coloured with a pink or purple or some other pastel, and could be mistaken for translucence.
If this is the case with you, then the simple solution to the problem is to say something of some importance to a certain member of my family, like “Would you like to go out on a date?” or “Does your car need to be serviced?” or “Would you be interested in renting my wife’s old part of my house, since she isn’t there any more, due to her diabolic nature?” or “My daughter has been wondering when the next time is you plan to come over and play, because she misses you so.” I know that whenever I find that I feel like I am turning into a silhouette, a clever and pithy statement directly related to my family puts everything right as rain again, visually speaking that is.
However, if you are not feeling so direct and forward as to take my suggestions, and prefer not to go to parties where Elizabeth may be present with another man, there is a sure fire alternative—a visit with my mother. She was quite instrumental in sowing the seeds of mistrust in my sister with her last boyfriend, so when she was told about his nefarious activities, she immediately believed what she was told. I am sure a similar sort of activity could be beneficial to you. You should drop by and visit mom at the bookstore. When it comes to arranging for solidity amongst Elizabeth’s suitors, there is no one better.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
I'd like to know about this all-black thing. It sounds really handy if you're, say, in someone special's back yard keeping tabs on when she leaves in the morning and gets home at night and discovering who is badgering her into a dating relationship.
Would it help the conversation if I went to the bookstore and pre-ordered 8,000 hardcovers of your novel from your mom? I do have check-writing at MMM, and I'm sure I can convince Donna to hide the quarter-million expense somewhere.
Best,
Anthony
At 6:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, sarcasm. yeah, ok.
shannon, i m upset w/u. i feel like u haven't been paying attention, like, @ all. cuz the last several times u tried 2 "make me feel better" by showing me ppl who had thingz worse, i asked u 2 stop doing that. other times when u did this, i just looked gobsmacked and didn't say nething. i don't know how u gather ne of this meant yr technique "wd always work." and no, this has nuthing 2 do w/me dressing diff this week. i felt the same when i dressed my old way.
At 6:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, and ger. dr. artemis has approved yr d8 w/me. but i don't wanna throw away ne shoes. i like all my shoes. dr. a sez i don't hafta.
apes
At 7:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You were nicer to me when you dressed the old way. Don’t worry. I will be there to comfort you, when you need it.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 7:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
Anthony
I like your thinking. A pre-order of 8000 hardcovers of my novel, Stone Season would be great. Unfortunately, the novel will be published in paperback, when it hits the shelves by October. However, in honour of your very clever idea, I will simply tell mom that you had planned to make the order for hardcovers, and that may set her in the right frame of mind for promoting you to Elizabeth.
As for the all-black silhouettes, I wish I could tell you when they are going to happen. Sometimes when all the action in the Patterson household is focused on me, I will suddenly go into silhouette so people can concentrate on a table or a lamp or a piece of fluff floating in the air behind me. Other times, when I am sitting back, relaxing and writing my second novel and doing nothing particularly vigourous; I find that the people around me are in silhouette, while I am perfectly well-lit. I can’t say it makes a lot of sense when it happens at all. It seems more arbitrary as if there were a 60-year-old woman who was drawing me, who got tired easily and decided to stop and fill me in with black instead.
As for keeping tabs on someone special's comings and goings, say no more old man. I will be glad to make a list. I'm well into my second book about the 23-year-old cook on a windjammer, and I could use a little break in the mornings and evenings. I’m thinking about calling my new book Waves Breaking Windjammer. What do you think?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
shannon, then i guess it must b official. i'm not the nicest girl in milboro. i officially name U the nicest girl in milboro.
apes
At 8:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
That's so nice of you. I will gladly accept. No. You tricked me. You were nice again. You're still the nicest. Sorry.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 8:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i talked 2 the custodianz of the skool, who sed he wud take care of the paint saying “april patterson is a roadside gig” & thingz like that in the boys’ washrooms. he sed no patterson wud b treated that way on his watch, so i guess the washrooms r gonna have new paint pretty soon.
this afternoon, ur lady caught me. i went 2 the library 4 my weekly tutorin’ w/zenobia barnaby & wen i sat down, it wuzn’t zenobia there but…lessee… her card sez “diana artemis, esq., ph.d., ed.d. senior fellow johnston institute for better living.” then i noticed zenobia & zandra larson had been waving @me not 2 come in the library, but i kinda didn’t notice them till it wuz 2 l8.
dr. artemis introduced herself & sed, “mr. jones. i have been retained on april patterson's behalf by her brother, michael patterson, in order 2 optimize miss patterson's ability 2 garner a wide range of ‘childhood sweethearts’ suitable 4 future marriage.” i sed, “rite. how’z it goin’?” dr. artemis sed, “not very well. virtually every boy in this skool iz a buck-toothed, cartoonish idiot. in ne case, i have gotten the permission of the principal of r.p. boire senior secondary 2 conduct interviews w/all male personages who have proposed marriage 2 april patterson.” i sed, “well ‘bout that uc…” dr. artemis sed, “az a senior fellow @the johnston institute 4 better living in corbeil, 1 of my subspecialties is the patterson-richards accord of 1979 & so i am uniquely qualified 2 make this decision.” i sed, “like april’s not smart enuff 2 make the decision by herself?”
dr. artemis sed, “navig8ing patterson romances shud not b left 2 amateurs, evn if they r pattersons.” i sed, “lemme save u a lotta trubble. if there’s ne1 @this skool april patterson duz not wanna marry, it’s me. can i go now?” dr. artemis sed, “mr. jones. ur defiance is admirable, but ur ignorance is not. accordin’ 2 ur file (& then she pulled out a disk & put it in her laptop)” i sed, “w8 a minute. i thot u wud pull out a giant stack of papers.” dr. artemis sighed & sed, “my colleagues in the johnston institute wud b aghast 2c me w/a disk, but i simply cannot carry hardcopies of every file i need.” i sed, “makes sense.”
dr. artemis sed, “az i wuz sayin’ mr. jones, accordin’ 2 ur file, u have proposed 2 april patterson each & every tyme she haz demonstr8ed ne facet of her patterson allure going back to her days @h.g. davis public school.” i sed, “i dunno if it wuz every tyme, but wen she duz the allure thing, it’s hard 4 me 2 resist it.” dr. artemis sed, “& u responded 1 tyme by throwin’ her harmonica out the window of a bus.” i sed, “yeah. thass rite.” dr. artemis sed, “& april wrote her first memorable song in honour of u.” i sed, “i dunno if i wud agree ‘bout that ‘honour’ part.” dr. artemis sed, “then u chased her in the street on ur bicycle & u were hit by a motorist & put n2 hospital.” i sed, “thass rite 2.” dr. artemis sed, “& then april & her mother came 2 visit u & they were the only 1s frum the skool 2 do that.” i sed, “u got ur notes rite. so u can c, if there’s ne1 who’s not suited 4 april, thass me.”
dr. artemis sed, “on the contrary, mr. jones, ur the best candid8 i have seen so far.” i sed, “u gotta b kiddin’” dr. artemis sed, “no, mr. jones. i am not kiddin’. according to the patterson-richards accord of 1979, subparagraph 3.2.5.2-1 the bully, the patterson is supposed 2 convert their bully 2 goodness & then the emotions of havin’ accomplished that cause the patterson & the bully 2b romantically linked.” i sed, “u gotta b kiddin’” dr. artemis sed, “no, mr. jones. i am not kiddin’. i am an expert on the matter.” i sed, “so ur sayin’ elizabeth patterson & michael patterson were romantically linked 2 their bully.” dr. artemis sed, “yes. that’s correct. it’s just unfortun8 their bullies were of the same gender as they, so matrimonial bonds were impossible.”
i sed, “prove it.” dr. artemis sed, “very well. here’s michael patterson’s monthly letter & only reference 2 his bully in all his letters.”
mike's letter, july 2005
i ran into brad luggsworth at the pride parade last week. he was there to keep law and order. i was there to do some interviews. some of the "girls" i spoke to were more attractive than girls i've dated. boggles the mind!
i read it. i sed, “i gotta admit, thass pretty obvious.” dr. artemis sed, “ru satisfied? if not we have pictures of a particular interesting game of cops & robbers…” i sed, “i don’t wanna c those.” dr. artemis sed, “az 4 candace halloran & elizabeth patterson, there r dozens of xxamples.” i sed, “save it. i believe u. i believe u. wut duz this hafta do w/me?” dr. artemis sed, “ur the 1st patterson bully 2b of the opposite gender az the patterson. once she haz converted u2 good, then there’s no tellin’ wut will happen. ur clearly the most affected by her patterson allure. i think it is fairly safe 2 say, u wud b completely in her control if she decided 2 use her allure on her.”
i sed, “i don’t wanna gf or wife who hazta control me. i wud like 2 have my own free will w/a girl who likes me cuz of who i am & not who i am gonna b converted 2b.” dr. artemis sed, “such nonsense. where do u think u live? ru sayin’ if april patterson came in here right now & sed she accepted ur proposal, u wud say no 2 her?” i sed, “if my brain wuz clear, yes, i wud say no. or iz that the othah way ‘round?” dr. artemis sed, “mr. jones. mr. jones. clearly u needta b converted 2 good. i will consult w/miss patterson az 2 the best way 2 accomplish that in her limited tyme. if miss patterson is goin’ 2 accomplish it, she haz until september.”
then outa nowhere, (well i guess she wuz still in the library), zandra larson sed, “he duzn’t needta b converted. jeremy’s just fine the way he iz. he’z mine. not april patterson’s.” dr. artemis sed, “& ur?” zandra sed, “zandra, i mean sandra larson.” dr. artemis sed, “ic. made up character. nice blog, tho. sorry, miss larson, u don’t count.” then vanessa, my v-girl burst n2 the library & sed, “do i count?” dr. artemis sed, “ah, no, whoever-u-r. sorry.”
then she turned 2 me & sed, “mr. jones. u have a limited tyme 4 conversion. b ready.” then she got up & left. vanessa sed, “that wuz 1 weird woman.” zandra sed, “is she serious ‘bout convertin’ u2 good?” i sed, “i dunno.” vanessa sed, “if she duz, u’ll b evn more victimificant than evah.” zandra sed, “i doubt it. prolly nothin’ bad will happ 2 him again. patterson luck.” vanessa sed, “then we must do wut we can 2 stop it.” zandra sed, “gud luck w/that. i’ll b @trinity by september.”
thass how it went. weird. don’t try 2 convert me 2 good, eh? stick w/gerald.
At 9:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, i just got this weird memo thing fr dr. artemis, like 2000 words longs, abt how i m oblig8ed 2 perform acts geared toward converting u 2 good. it is soooo bizarre!
apes
At 9:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yeah! Stick with G-Dog!
Maybe you could borrow some uncomfortable shoes from Liz for our date. Or, if you don't wanna wear uncomfortable shoes, I could still carry you from the car to the restaurant and wherever else we go. I am that devoted.
Falling in love with you over and over again every time I see you, G-Dog
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