April's Real Blog

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Girltalk w/Liz

So I finally had the "girltalk" I had tried 2 have w/Liz on the day she blew me off 2 look @ apts. Liz was folding clothes an' boxing stuff, and I was sprawled across her bed. I was all, "Elizabeth, ...If U and a guy were, U know... "doing stuff" and the guy tells his friends U were doing a lot MORE than U were doing... And his friends start, U know, laffing and stuff, an' thinking U were, well, U know. I mean, if U weren't doing stuff and he sed that U were, ...what wd U do?" And Liz kinda raised her brows and sed, "I'd tell him 2 STUFF IT!"

So, Ger, I'm supposta tell U 2, um, "stuff it." And no, not in a "good way."


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  • At 8:58 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I must admit your most recent Blog entry with its "coded language" is somewhat confusing. I guess you must have provided your closest friends and regular readers with some sort of word translator to know what you were talking about. However, with a careful analysis, I think that I shall be able to figure it out without the use of your translator, and thus explain the situation to those of your readers who do not have a translator.

    First of all, you reference the source of your ire as "a guy". Later in your Blog entry, you refer to him as "Ger", which would cause the average reader to suppose you were referring to your boyfriend of the last 4 years, Gerald Forsythe-Delaney. However, even the Lizardbreath, in her attempts to distance herself from her family, cannot help but to be aware that you have only had one boyfriend for the last 4 years and she knows he is Gerald. Therefore, it must be presumed that since you neglect to mention the lad's name, it must actually be someone other than Gerald. Otherwise, you would have just said Gerald.

    Second of all, there is the "stuff" you did. You admit to having been doing stuff. Then the unnamed guy says you were doing more than the "stuff" you did, a sort of a "stuff plus". Then unnamed guy's friends think that by doing the "stuff plus" you didn't do, you achieve some sort of status which can induce the guy's friends to laughter. The clues are all there and are easy to interpret.

    The main clue is "laughter". What can make a person laugh more than a good pun? Ergo, you were making puns with a guy who was not your boyfriend (I suspect Jeremy Jones), and this villain told his friends you had also told him some naughty limericks (a shame for a Patterson), and this villain's base and foul friends think naughty limericks are funny.

    I was uncertain how the Lizardbreath's advice to tell the unnamed guy to "stuff it" was very good. I asked my lovely Deanna what Liz would mean by "stuff it", and she said in Liz's case, it would obviously mean "stuffing her bra." But then I said to Deanna, "Would stuffing your bra be a revenge against a guy who spread a rumour you told naughty limericks?" and Deanna simply said, "Anything that gets a man looking at your breasts is good." So, apparently Liz's advice to you is good. Rest assured, formerly little sis, if you start stuffing your bra, your big brother will do everything in his power not to look.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:11 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, askin' ur sis 4 advice on luv, is like askin' a tree howta chop steak. u can't unnerstand the answer & ur steak duzn't get chopped.

    the only person w/worse luv advice wud b me. every1 @skool thinks i am w/honoria forsythe-delaney now. she told sum peeps we did "stuff" @anthony caine's house the night i went ovah 2 help her baby-sit, so we r obviously bf/gf. of course, i say all we did wuz baby-sit & no1 believes that. i alwayz try 2 tell the truth, but it duzn't do ne good wen most guys look @honoria & tell me "she's young, but i wud do 'stuff' w/her 2. she'z hott!" 'course i've hadda tell ur bf,gerald, like 10X this mornin' all i did w/his sis wuz baby-sit. then i hafta define "baby-sit" 4 him, cuz he thinks it means "drinking wine & kissin'."

    ok, i do have sum advice 4u. if u talk 2 gerald, ask him why it's bad 4 peeps 2 think his sis has gone roadside, but it's ok 4 peeps to think his gf has gone roadside.

  • At 9:12 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I know younger sisters are supposed to look to their older sisters for romantic advice, and in many cases, I can see the wisdom in this. However, with your sister, I cannot. All she has done was to take a word you used, and then repeat it back as a pun for advice.

    If you had said, "If you and a guy were kissing and drinking wine, and the guy tells his friends you were humping." Would your sister have said, "Tell him to kiss off!" or "Ask him if he would like one hump or two?" or "Tell him to stop his w(h)ining!"?

    Of course, I am not sure why you just didn't tell your sister that you and Gerald were kissing. I mean, it's not like you haven't kissed Gerald before, even in front of your mother. Oh wait! I forgot your sister only kissed the Constable that one time when he dropped her off in Milborough. Kissing must have some kind of significance for her. You were right not to say "kissing" to your sister. If you admitted to kissing your boyfriend, your sister would think you were some kind of slut.

    I would seek advice from some other source, who is not quite so affected by the idea of "kissing." Normally I would say Becky and me, because we kiss quite often. The contract for Becky to record the duet with Mizz Candy Rapper was signed, and every time Becky thinks about it, I get kissed. However, right now the source for good advice about Gerald would not be Becky. She remembers back when she was in Grade 8, she learned two persons who were close to her spread the rumour she had gone "roadside." Hearing these rumours about you brought up unpleasant memories for her. Becky is a good friend to you, and maybe in a day or two, she might be able to give you some advice on how to handle that particular kind of rumour coming from someone you trust, but right now, not so much.

    As for me, I would suggest that instead of telling Gerald to "stuff it", you might want to have a conversation where you tell him if he wants to do any more kissing with you, he must swear an oath of secrecy. I know Gerald can do that, because he swore a similar oath about some of things he had to do when he was studying Viking lore with Becky's father, Thorvald. I am sure Gerald does not truly want people to think his girlfriend was "roadside."

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:38 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    Michael and my darling Jeremy-flower,

    Our family goes by "Delaney-Forsythe" or "Forsythe." Never, ever "Forsythe-Delaney." Do NOT let Mater catch you using that combination!


  • At 10:40 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i was talking abt ger, u nincompoop!

    jeremy, u r rite, i shdna asked liz 4 advice on my luv-life!

    howard, fyi, it was more than kissing but less than "roadside." no pinky swears were broken.


  • At 10:52 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    If u r wondering where I am, Im @ the Abuyas. I sort of live in the theatre wing now, its got a bedroom w/ a king-size waterbed & ensuite 5 piece bath (thats what Evah says it is, neway.) Im working p/t 4 Mr & Mrs Abuya doing humanitarian work ovah @ the 419 wing, Mr A says Ive got the perfect command of the English language 4 the job. If u r reading this, Zed, Mr As got tonnes of $$$ so he nos alot more than u do.

    When Im not working or chilling in the theatre wing, Im rehearsing 4 the drama club play, A Midsummers Nite Dream. I wasnt going back 2 drama club this year but Evah wanted me 2 join, shes playing Titania & Im playing Snout. Hey Zed, y dont u join & play Snitch? Mr A bot this theatre 4 the play, its going up in the football field @ RP Boire. Shld b way cuber than the cafetorium was.

    I almost 4got the important part. Can I beat Ger up now? Ill stuff whatevah u want wherevah u want it.


    MCDunC & His Posse

  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Jeremy Jones,

    If you try to "stuff your stuff" anyplace on my sister, Joey Dents and I will stuff your head into a toilet in the boys bathroom, which is a place where, as you know, nasty jerks like you stuff the stuff their body produces after they eat stuff.

    I would tell you to "stuff it," but I am afraid that would be sending a mixed message. So, don't stuff it! Keep your stuff away from my sister's stuff. Honoria is a pure little angel who doesn't even know about how a boy stuffing his stuff into a girl's stuff makes stuff like a baby.

    Sternly yours, Gerald Forsythe

  • At 1:06 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I don't think you understood my advice, you used way too big a font when you wrote "stuff it" in your blog entry, I would not say it that angry-like, remember, the most important thing is to make sure you correct the bad behavior or at least make him learn not to let you find out about it, that way you do not have to break up and possibly end up a spinster, remember April, you are so lucky, you have a man who will marry you someday, and if just for instance you were to lie back and let him "do his stuff" to you to make him happy and keep him as being The One, then maybe the rumors about how you're "thanksgiving stuffing all laid out on the table on Grandma's best china" or whatever are not so bad, don't you think, remember, you want to be able to have babies, not end up all dried out and driving men away like me, cheeze, I wish I had a man who wanted to do stuff with me happily ever after, excuse me, I have to go cry over some grammar tests now.


  • At 1:43 PM, Anonymous aurelia waggina said…

    Dear April,

    I happened to stumble upon your blog this morning, and I am so happy to hear young people who are so interested in home ec! Now, please indulge me while I remind you all about the safest way to stuff a turkey.

    First, you should consider abstaining from stuffing the turkey at all. There are all sorts of illnesses that can be passed via stuffing. It is safer to keep the "stuffing" outside the hole. Actually, the stuffing can get even hotter and be just as enjoyable if it cooks by itself. If you decide you can't resist stuffing the bird, though, protect yourself from foodborne illness and wear a latex glove while stuffing.

    Next, it is best to stuff your turkey only immediately before you are ready to jam it in the oven and crank up the temperature. You may think it is best to just hurry up and stuff the stuffing in the hole, but it is better if you draw out your preparations for as long as possible. You will probably find that you enjoy this "fore-stuffing" period as much or more than the actual stuffing itself.

    You should know that stuffing expands as it gets hot. Therefore, you should not try to jam as much stuffing as possible into the hole, as hard as you can. Go slow and gentle. The turkey will then not be damaged by the act of stuffing.

    The stuffer might find that it takes the turkey longer than anticipated to get to its peak temperature. The stuffer should continue to apply heat and patient attention. The turkey will soon reach its peak with this kind of loving treatment.

    Remove the stuffing from the turkey as soon as it is done, along with whatever protective barrier devices you have used during the cooking process.

    Sincerely yours,
    Miss Aurelia Waggina
    Home Ec Department

  • At 2:18 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    gerald, az i told u b4 & several times today, i didn’t do ne “stuff” or “stuffing” w/honoria xxcept baby-sitting. honoria, if ur reading this, can u straighten out ur bro?

  • At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    My darling Jeremy-flower,

    As I tried to explain to you before, the use of the generic term “do stuff” is the modern equivalent of the matrimonium ad morganaticam used to contract marriage between persons of unequal social rank. Mater said that in the old days, if a girl wanted to let a boy know she was interested, she would simply put an announcement in the paper indicating their engagement to be married, and it would be beyond the power of the young man to refute it without serious legal consequences for breach of contract.

    If we were both attending the Cashwell Day School, where I used to go to school, I could have achieved a similar effect using an announcement in the school paper, if I wanted you to be my boyfriend. It worked quite nicely with my old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam; but I did not count on the sinister workings of his parents to get me kicked out of school.

    Unfortunately, at R.P. Boire Senior Secondary, a girl must be declared to have “done stuff” with a boy to achieve the same effect, and it has to be done via word of mouth instead of an actual publication one can proudly show to one’s family and friends. Mater and Pater have declared I must have a “good” boyfriend. You have been officially declared to be “good”. A match made in heaven. Plus I like the fact you look older than Pater and Gerald hates you so.

    Sorry, Jeremy. To deny we “did stuff” would be like declaring we were not boyfriend and girlfriend, and that simply would not do. I hope to see you soon, my Jeremy flower. In home ec today, the teacher demonstrated some things with a turkey which has excited me and the other girls in home ec greatly. I am anxious to show them to you. What say you help me babysit at Anthony Caine’s house again tonight?

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 4:31 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    That does it! I'm telling Mater and Pater all about this sordid little affair! They will never approve of such a low-class plebe messing around with our pristine, dewy young patrician flower Honoria! Before you know it, Honoria will be back in boarding school, and you, Jeremy Jones, will be doing time for statutory stuffing!

    Angrily yours, Gerald Forsythe

  • At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    You can tell Mater and Pater all you want. Low-class plebe he may be, but Jeremy Jones has an authentic Corbeil Certificate of Goodness and Mater and Pater know all about it. So there! Nyah! Nyah!

    Plus you know Mater has issues with the van Daam family, who were responsible for my removal from Cashwell Day School and would sooner eat a 10-kg block of milk chocolate and roll in dirt before she had to deal with them again.

    Besides, big brother. If I were you, I would worry more about your girlfriend telling you to “stuff it”, because I think that’s what she plans to do.

    Angrily yours right back,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 8:46 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m ovah here @anthony caine’s place helpin’ honoria babysit, while anthony caine duz wutevah he duz @nite. i thot i wud b helpin’ honoria, but wut rilly happed wuz wen i got here, ur bf gerald wuz all reddy here, & honoria wuz tryin’ 2 get him 2 leave. ‘course wen i saw wut honoria wuz wearin’, i can actually say 4 prolly the 1st tyme in my life, i wuz glad 2c gerald. i dunno how 2 describe honoria’s outfit, but if u saw it, u wud prolly tell her “if ur wearin’ that, u’ll wunt sum1 2 keep u warm.”

    so, i went n2 little francie’s fenced-in area & we have been playin’ w/sum of her toys & i hafta start her 2 bed in a bit. she’s a good kid & i think she trusts me mainly cuz i look like an old man, like her dad duz. there’s a couple of pics around of ur sis marked “mom”, but othah than that, not 2 much strange in the play area. honoria & gerald r arguin’ in a diff part of the house, but i can still hear them, where i am in the basement. francie’s bizzy colourin’ sumthin’, so decided 2 take a little tyme 2 post 2u.

    i hadda strange convo @the end of skool 2day. i went to the learning resource centre in the library 4 my usual thursday afternoon tutorin’ sesh w/zenobia barnaby. it wuz goin’ ok, ‘till zenobia sed, “wut’s this i hear ‘bout u gettin’ bizzy w/a grade 8 girl.” i sed, “not gettin’ bizzy. ‘doin’ stuff’.” zenobia sed, “so there’s sum hanky-panky goin’ on?” i sed, “no. just baby-sittin’.” zenobia sed, “i haven’t heard that 1 b4. iz it the same az monkey bizness or funny bizness?” i sed, “same az thoze, only if u think takin’ care of a toddler is funny.” zenobia sed, “thass borin’. i thot u were fooling around.” i sed, “sorry 2 disappoint u.” zenobia sed, “wut ‘bout that v-girl?” i sed, “vanessa dropped me for a guy in prison.”

    then zenobia leaned in low & sed, “wut ‘bout zandra? i thot u liked her.” i sed, “zandra hazn’t sed a word 2 me in ‘bout a month. i think she’z still gettin’ ovah duncan.” zenobia sed, “so. ru doin’ the l8est skool shakespeare production of a midsummer’s night dream? they’re buildin’a new theatre 4 it.” i sed, “i heard. & duncan anderson & eva abuya r supposed 2b in it.” zenobia sed, “thass rite. i guess that cud b a problem 4u.” i sed “yeah. that plus i kinda got banned frum thoze shows aftah the last 1.” zenobia sed, “wut ‘bout ur corbeil certificate of goodness?” i sed, “that cud prolly get me back in, but u know.” zenobia sed, “right. i heard duncan beat u up.” i sed, “his cat did.” zenobia laffed & sed, “his cat?!!” i sed, “u wudn’t laff, if u saw his cat.”

    francie finished her colourin’ & now it’s tyme 2 put her 2 bed. i think i am gonna w8 till she’s asleep & sneak out. i kinda doubt gerald or honoria will notice.

  • At 9:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i feel so bad 4 that lil girl, all locked up in that cage like that! it's nice u took such gd care of her.

    dunc, that "419 wing" makes me a bit worried. if eva's dad asks u 2 get involved w/a scheme that involves cheating peeps outta $ w/fake e-mails from fake deposed royalty from nigeria, run far, far away!



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