Warren being busy
After Liz finished xxplaining 2 Mom that the move 2 the choo-choo house, and Mike an' Dee taking over our house, were really happening and not just a theory, the fone rang and I answered it. It was Warren, 4 Liz. So I told Liz, who was brushing Edgar (since that was one of her chores that day). I hadta load the dishwasher, and while I was doing that, I heard Liz's side of the convo, where she was all, "Hi,Warren! ...Really? But I thot U had the weekend off? ....Oh. How long will U B in Yellowknife? Wow. So, I guess I won't C U 4 a while! Hey, no problem! Work B4 pleasure! Take care of yrself, OK? C ya!" Then, after she'd clicked the fone back in2 its cradle, she stuck her tongue out @ the fone, all, "BWAPPBLFTT!"
Jeremy, thanx sooooooooooooo much w/yr help sitting the littles. I was able 2 get lotsa h'work dun while U played hide an' seek and handled bedtime. Sorry U hadta get stuck w/an impromptu Liz grammar lesson and w/Mom's compulsive furniture choosing. Yeah, most ppl who come over wanna get away w/out having 2 talkta Mom.
Howard and Becky: Wow! Congrats on Becky scoring that duet w/Mizz Candy Rapper. Yeah, I'm not surprised 2 hear that she an' Brandy R actually v. smart and educ8ed, but I sure bet Liz will B!
Apes
Jeremy, thanx sooooooooooooo much w/yr help sitting the littles. I was able 2 get lotsa h'work dun while U played hide an' seek and handled bedtime. Sorry U hadta get stuck w/an impromptu Liz grammar lesson and w/Mom's compulsive furniture choosing. Yeah, most ppl who come over wanna get away w/out having 2 talkta Mom.
Howard and Becky: Wow! Congrats on Becky scoring that duet w/Mizz Candy Rapper. Yeah, I'm not surprised 2 hear that she an' Brandy R actually v. smart and educ8ed, but I sure bet Liz will B!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:42 AM
7 Comments:
At 10:10 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your story about your sister spitting at the phone after Warren was unable to make a proposed date seemed very familiar to me. When your sister and I were both working at Lakeshore Landscaping in 2005, she considered Warren Blackwood to be her boyfriend, even though she hadn't seen him for over a year. There were a number of occasions when she would try to contact Warren by phone at work (long distance charges to Vancouver, which Lawrence Poirier didn't mind, because he always said it was safer for everyone if your sister was married.). I witnessed the conclusion to some of those attempts, or rather the puddles of saliva left after those attempts. The guy I was dating at the time, Ross, actually slipped in one of those puddles, and afterwards Lawrence asked Liz to clean up after her phone calls. I don't believe she ever did, just as I am sure she didn't for the one you described today.
Brandy and Mizz Candy Rapper, AKA my friends Randy Smith and Sandi Jones left early this morning. We stayed up all night. Becky told Randy and Sandi about my shamp-Oh work, and so I had to give them each a shamp-Oh before they left. They both told Becky she was a very lucky woman. Sandi was going home to sleep, but Randy had to go to work. I think we will have a Mizz Candy Rapper / Rebeccah duet soon, because they worked out a lot of the ideas for it. Sandi was quite impressed by Becky's song-writing ability, as well she should be. If you see Becky today, she will probably be alert from the andrenaline-pumping excitement of last night, but she may crash when her body finally realizes she didn't get any rest.
I am writing this from Portrait Magazine offices, where I work as the co-senior editor. I am pretty tired too, but we recently got a letter to the editor from a M. Patterson expressing his disgust at the new direction of Portrait Magazine. Mailed in through snail mail of course. I scanned it in, and the office staff has been reading it and laughing out loud most of the morning. Everyone is in a pretty good mood today.
Howard Bunt
At 2:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
It's just not fair, I don't think you understand, Warren begged me for that date, and I mean really hard, I did all of the hemming and hawing about saying "yes" that it says you should do in The (Patterson) Rules, well that is supposed to make the men know you are a real prize and a date with you is valuable, but that Warren, he is putting work in front of being with me, which is like the ultimate pleasure on earth, to be with a Patterson woman, I have tried to give him so many hints too, about me having my own apartment now, and that he is picking work over "pleasure," I mean, how much more unsuttle can I get, I am starting to feel like a major slut here, why can't he pick up on the message that I need him, I need him to come see me, so we can be together, and there will be lots of sweating and grunting and thrashing and moaning, and afterwards we will fall down in total exhaustion, because I need his help to move all my stuff from Mom and Dad's house to my new apartment, naturally, and I was sure that's what he was coming to town to help me do, it is a good "not boyfriend" activity, to prove his worth to move into the "husband" category someday maybe possibly, I was hoping before September, but now I am not sure, that Warren is just a big poopyhead!!
Liz
At 3:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. As I have said and taken bets with dad about, you are not meant for the wandering type man. The type of man for you is one who would gladly take off time from work to spend with you, whenever you wanted it. And it doesn’t take much looking to see a man who already did that for you during the Howard Bunt trial. All you have to do is give him a call and ask for help moving your things from my house. And I am talking about Anthony Caine and not Howard Bunt.
Just to let you know, the bedroom furniture in the guest bedroom stays with us. Just take the things you brought with you, and bought while you were here. And take the cat. Especially take the cat.
And another thing, please stop grooming the dogs in the kitchen. The dog hair gets all over the food. It’s disgusting. I know you feed your cat in your room, where you often eat too; so you may be accustomed to getting hairballs. However, my children are not. Thanks bunches.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth, you know I'd be with you if I could, babe! I just couldn't pass up on this job. You know how it is. This Yellowknife job is a tough one, very physically demanding. I'm afraid it will involve lots of sweating, grunting, thrashing, and moaning, and then falling in total exhaustion, all without you. You know it would be so much better with you, but work is work.
Warren
At 6:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i m sorry 2 hear that peeps useta get injured cuz of the spittle. when liz did what she did in the kitchen recently, edgar rolled in it. ew! fortch, it was lizzie's turn 2 bathe him that evening.
apes
At 8:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, innerestin’ day 2day. that corbeil certificate of goodness haz been like the best thing that evah happed 2 me. the peeps @skool have stopped callin’ me germy, evn the teacherz & i thot they wud nevah give that nickname up. & wen i raise my hand in class, i don’t get ignored nemore. it’s like i am a regular student 4 the 1st tyme in years. the only 1 who iz unhappy is my ex-v-girl vanessa who sed, “yuck! jeremy. 2b called good iz ‘bout the most unvictimificant thing evah. i can’t believe u were my v-boy. i’m so glad i’m w/my prisoner v-boy, vaynard vahoney, now.”
aside frum b-ing taunted by vanessa, things were goin’ pretty well. this rilly pretty girl sat by me @lunch cuz she saw our picture in the clarion weekly. she sed, “ur jeremy jones aren’t u? i saw ur picture in the clarion weekly.” she hadda copy of it & there we were on the front page where it said, “april patterson fulfills destiny. converts bully 2 good.” then there was a long article talkin’ ‘bout how gr8 u were & i thot it wuz a little overly biased till i realized the article wuz written by ur bro. i guess he writes 4 that paper sumtymez, cuz just below it wuz a column called edgewise also by ur bro, where he wuz goin’ off on “the shameful new portrait magazine.” u gotta hear this part, he says, “margaret atwood. why focus a portrait on a nobody? who’s evah heard of her b4? what happed 2 the good old days when portrait concentr8ed on exposing fashion designer divala as a fraud, or it’s award-winning portrait on the sportswear model sophia.” it’s rilly funny. u shud read it.
neway, this girl hands me the copy of clarion weekly & she sez, “mater sez i shud concentr8 on meetin’ rilly good boys. ru a good boy, jeremy?” i sed, “i got a certificate of goodness from corbeil.” then she sed, “can ic it?” i sed, “sure.” she looked @it & she sed, “goodness, jeremy. this is perfect.” i sed, “y duz ur mom wunt u2 concentr8 on meetin’ good boys?” she sed, “well, it’s kinda embarrassing. i got expelled frum cashwell day school where i used to go.” i sed, “expelled? wut did u do?” she sed, “my bf , bronson, sed he luvved me undah the pale moonlight & i wuz ‘bout 2 lose my virginity, wen i got caught by my bf’s ‘rents, who came home early frum a party. they got me xxpelled.” i sed, “man. tuff ‘rents. musta had sum influence on the skool.” she sed, “yes. it wuz the van daam family. they’re v. influential & v.v. protective of their son. so, i went on a special retreat this weekend & the retreat leaders along w/mater & pater agreed i shud concentr8 on meetin’ good boys, who will not lead me astray. then i saw the paper w/u in it & i thot ‘how serendipitous’.”
i wuz tryin’ 2 remembah if that word wuz in our vocabulary, wen ur bf, gerald & duncan anderson came ovah 2c me. gerald sed, “i just found out u spent the weekend w/my gf.” duncan sed, “do u wunt me 2 beat him up?” i sed 2 duncan, “unless u brot that cat of yours, u wud lose.” gerald sed, “if he duzn’t tell me wut happed, u can have him, duncan. wut did u do w/april? peeps sed they saw u 2gethah.” i sed, “we went 2 the kool haus on friday nite, which is where most peeps saw us. i taught her 2 ride a motorcycle. on saturday, i took her 2 get her m1 licence. then i helped her babysit till i hadda go 2 work @the kool haus. then on sunday, i helped her babysit some more. thass it.” duncan sed, “can i beat him up now?”
i thot gerald wuz about 2 say “yes” 2 duncan wen he started cryin’ & sed, “it’s all my fault. it’s cuz i wuz on a retreat this weekend & i cudn’t give her the attention a patterson girl needs. thass y she wuz sweating & grunting & thrashing & moaning w/u. i knew i shoulda skipped the retreat. my little april-flower shud come b4 work or pleasure or family.” i sed, “rilly the kids weren’t that bad. there wuzn’t much of that thrashing & moaning stuff, xxcept me crawlin’ in the duct work aftah merrie 4 hide & seek.” the girl sittin’ nexta me sed, “ru a baby-sitter, jeremy? i sit sumtymez 4 a guy named anthony caine. it’s pretty ez, xxcept his house is filthy. mater makes me take a hot shower & disinfect myself aftah i sit 4 him. who do u sit 4?” i sed, “no1. i just told april i wud help her out baby-sitting her niece & nephew, if she wunted me 2.” then gerald sed, “u try 2 connive ur way n2 my april-flower’s heart w/ur scurrilous tricks. the next tyme april duz baby-sittin’, i will be there, no mattah the sacrifice.”
the girl sittin’ nexta me sed, “gerald!! stop ignorin’ me!! it’s 1 thing 4 my family 2 send me 2 boardin’ school & 4get i exist, but it’s anothah 4 my own bro 2 ignore me sittin’ rite in fronta him.” gerald looked @the girl sittin’ nexta me & he looked puzzled. then he sed, “honoria! my baby sister! i didn’t recognize u w/all the makeup.” the girl sed, "april wears a lotta makeup 2." then gerald looked @me & sed, “jeremy. it’s 1 thing 2 besmirch my girlfriend, but it’s anothah 2 besmirch my baby sister.” i sed, “wut duz that mean, ‘besmirch’?” gerald sed, “2 soil; tarnish; or otherwise discolour. honoria’z only 14. how cud u? ur worse than jeffo bray.” i sed to the girl (honoria), “ur gerald’s little sis. ur grade 8?” she sed, “i'm taking home ec @r.p. boire, like my bro’s gf, april did 2 years ago.” gerald sed, “i 4bid u2 spend ne tyme w/jeremy jonez. he is a villain of the highest order.” i coughed & sed, “i got a corbeil certificate of goodness which sez diffrent.” & honoria handed him the copy of the clarion weekly. gerald read the article & he hadda sit down. he sed, “ok. duncan. u can beat him up now.”
of course, by this tyme, duncan got tired of w8in’ & wuz ovah talkin’ 2 eva abuya across the cafetorium. gerald sed, “betrayed. betrayed by my best friend. betrayed by my little sister. betrayed by my gf.” i sed, “nothin’ happed between me & april, xxcept sum earlobe strokin’. she didn’t betray u, just cuz she did sumthin’ w/o u. just like u didn’t b-tray her by goin’ on a retreat.” honoria sed, “earlobe strokin’? i don’t think my big bro iz gonna b-lieve that story. i don’t think i believe it.” i sed, “u’ll c. gerald knowz me bettah than u do.” gerald sed, “i still think ur a dishonest villain, evn tho u have that certificate. but u’ve alwayz been a painfully honest, dishonest villain. i know that any fault lying in my relationship w/my little honey-blossom, april, is mine & mine alone. i deserve ne raspberries she may give me, but i think i’ll carry an umbrella just in case.”
he walked off sobbin’ 2 himself. then he came back & sed, “honoria. attend me.” honoria got up & sed, “so jeremy, if i need ne help baby-sittin’, can i call u?” i sed, “i guess so.” but i wuzn’t rilly sure i wunted 2 go n2 anthony caine’s house 4 nethin.
neway, thass how it went. wen i saw u between classes, u sed ur convo w/gerald wuz “inneresting”. & of course, i can’t say i wuz 2 surprised wen u told me u got the mark on ur jacket frum gerald openin’ his umbrella @u.
At 8:41 PM,
howard said…
April,
If you care about your dog, you may want to wash your dog yourself. At Lakeshore Landscaping, they had to use a special cleaner to get your sister’s spittle off the floor. It might have something to do with your sister’s bad breath. I don’t know for sure. However, I am pretty certain you don’t want that substance on your dog for very long.
Howard Bunt
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