April's Real Blog

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Scheme

Mike posted the next bit of what happed when he an' Dee went w/Mom an' Dad 2 C the Stibbs choo-choo house:
April,

Formerly little sis. There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to arrange an elaborate scheme in order to convince his wife to do something. Our dear father has been lusting over George Stibbs’ home and property for the better part of the last 19 months, and after our mother refused to let him buy it, he began this elaborate scheme of pretending it would be a good home for Deanna and me and the kids. And I suppose from mom’s perspective, this might make sense. After all, Deanna and I spent the last 5 years living in a 2-bedroom apartment, so a 2-bedroom house would be an improvement. However, with Deanna’s desire for a place with at least 4 bedrooms, George’s place would never have been satisfactory for us.

As we were looking through George Stibbs’ house during our visit, George magically reappeared from he had disappeared, with his sleeves rolled down since the last time we saw him. Deanna pulled me into a silhouette and said, “Mike, we should step over here and let George work.” I said, “George work what?” Deanna said, “The routine he is going to play on mom.” I said, “What routine?” Deanna said, “To convince mom to buy his house.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding!”

But she wasn’t kidding. George looked at my dad and mom and said, “That’s not a bad idea, John! You and Elly would fit in here like fingers in a glove! You talked about setting your trains out back there on the property—I’d say the potential here is for you two…not the kids!” Deanna said, “Wow, George is one awful actor.” I said, “Because of the way he can instantly gain weight by just moving his right arm? I thought that was a pretty good trick.” Deanna said, “No. He has completely overplayed it. Elly has her hand on her hip and she’s not looking at George. She’s glaring at your dad.” I said, “How do you know about this?” Deanna said, “Your father and I commute to work every day he goes to work, and we have been discussing our financial future for the last month. He knows how good I am at scheming, and so he enlisted my help for our mutual benefit.” I said, “Then you know what George is going to do next?” Deanna said, “If it’s like what he just did, he is going to completely overdo it.”

Then George put his hand on dad’s shoulder and looked him earnestly in the eye and said with trembling lips, “Sell them YOUR place!!” Deanna groaned. She said, “George is as subtle as your mom’s cooking. He looks like he is professing his love to your dad, not offering to sell him his house. I hope your dad can recover.” And recover is exactly what dad tried to do.

He looked at mom as smooth as could be, without even taking his hand out of his pocket and said, “George’s suggestion has merit, Elly.---Why don’t we think about it?” Deanna moaned. “Geez, Mike. You’re dad’s almost as bad an actor as George. Your mom’s not going to be fooled by that line. ‘Has merit’. Who says that?”

Sure enough, mom’s response was “You mean, ‘Why don’t I think about it?’” Then George had a suddenly disoriented, discombobulated, look. I thought he might have been surprised by mom figuring out dad’s scheme so easily; or he might have been concerned that mom, while doing our patented Patterson splay of hand to the breast gesture, had broken her wrist. Later on, George confessed to me that he briefly couldn’t tell the difference between mom and dad, which is a common problem, but shocking if you’re not accustomed to it.

Mom’s evil eye on dad soon faded and she started to look around the house as she said, “It looks like you’ve already made up your mind!” George winked at dad either indicating he thought the scheme had worked on mom, or it was some kind of pick-up signal. I don’t know which one. Dad looked a little miffed at George, no doubt from his poor acting performance, or because he was trying to pick up dad right in front of mom. It’s hard to say with the gestures of the very old, what they truly mean. All you can know for sure is that if a husband wants something from his wife, he has to enlist the help of his daughter-in-law and use an elaborate scheme.

And yes, formerly little sis, I will have more for you tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson
Interesting that no1 mentioned ME having 2 live w/Mom and Dad. I wonder if that meanz they intend 2 haul me off 2 the farm. Or the Catholic military reform school in Ottawa.

Oh, and OMG! Dr. Artemis, that Patterson childhood sweetheart/potetial spouse consultant? She's here now and she's taking me up 2 Corbeil, 2 the Johnston Institute For Better Living! She won't tell me what's gonna happ up there, only that I'm gonna B away until sumtyme Saturday evening. And she sez I prolly won't B able 2 get online the whole time I'm there, so no upd8's from me here until I get back on Sat.

I'm a bit scared, ppl, so pls think gd thots 4 me! Pls check the comments 2 this post 4 upd8's from Mike and others. I'll do a catching-up post when I'm back.

Apes

P.S. RIP Kurt Vonnegut. :(

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19 Comments:

  • At 10:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    Sorry for my extended absence, but the tedious details of the Patterson family life hold little interest for even this jaded defender of the law. Recent developments prompt me to weigh in, however.
    As you know, I have grown quite friendly with the Kelpfroths, the elderly couple your brother left to be scorched almost to death when he retrieved his wretched manuscript. As fate would have it, they intend to bid on the Stibbs home, and are prepared to go quite high, as it would be perfect for them in their burned and debilitated state. They hope to derive sweet satisfaction either from purchasing the Stibbs home, ruining your family's plans and becoming neighbors who will constantly call the police to complain about your family's antics, or at least to drive the price up so high that your parents will have to work until their eighties.
    Nice folks, the Kelpfroths.
    Yours,
    Sgt. Royalson

     
  • At 1:55 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    yo apes,

    when i wuz walking freyfaxi rilly l8 last nite, i went by the stibbs house cuz i wanted 2 get a look @ it again, u know, mayb it would b good 4 me an' howie. well as i went by, i saw 2 dudes in the frunt yard. i could c only their silhouettes. 1 had a big pot belly. the other had a giant nose an' chin.

    chin guy sed, "well george, we're even. i scared ur wife 2 death, an' u helped me get in2 the choo-choo house i alwayz dreamed of." pot belly shook his hand an' sed, "thanks, john. u don't know how much i appreciate the peace an' quiet w/ lois gone." chin guy sighed an' sed, "blieve me, george, i understand how nice it must b!"

    pot belly sed, "i wuz worried i wuz 2 over-the-top in my salesmanship." an' chin guy sed, "no. that woman needs this idea pounded in2 her stupid fat melon head." an' pot belly sed, "that's women 4 u, eh?" an' chin guy sed, "i hear u." then he added, "come by ne time 4 free dental work." an' pot belly said, "thanx, these dentures never fit quite rite."

    thot u should know. looks like ur dad is a murderer. all 4 a teeny tiny choo choo house. that's sick man. an' they have my howie locked up while ur dad runs free!

    becks

     
  • At 2:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I hope you don’t come back as a dog. The last time I went to Corbeil that’s what happened and my life has never completely recovered since, although I do love it when Becky scratches me behind the ears, which I probably wouldn’t have before I went to Corbeil. Since you’re a Patterson, I expect you will be OK while you are there. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if they talk to you about doing some kind of foreign student exchange program for your last 2 years of senior secondary to avoid any complications in moving, assuming your mom accepted George Stibbs’ and your dad’s ideas of moving in.

    Becky thinks they’re going to check to make sure your virginity is still intact, after your evening with Gerald; but I doubt the people in Corbeil would care about something like that. At least I hope not. I know with English royalty, they have been concerned about things like that before, but you’re aren’t royalty, even though your parents have called you a princess several times.

    As for me, another day of no judgment on my appeal. My lawyer, Mr. Benis, says that sometimes the judges are slow like an old woman being convinced to move out of a house by 2 old men, who think they are smarter than the woman but really aren’t. So the woman takes her time making the decision, just to spite the men. I said to Mr. Benis, “So you and I are the old men, and the lady who was the judge on my panel is the woman?” Mr. Benis said, “No, Howard. Sometimes my examples don’t have exact parallels in real life.” Usually they do, so I got confused. One thing I am not confused about is another night in Mimico Correctional Centre for me.

    In the meantime, I haven’t been in contact with my aunt Winifred or uncle Melville Kelpfroth since I got put into prison after my trial concluded, so I cannot argue one way or the other about the truth of Sergeant Royalson’s claims on their behalf. I have a hard time imagining wanting to live anywhere near your brother and in particular your sister-in-law, but maybe it’s true.

    Becky has started doing some preliminary house-hunting without me. I trust her taste, for the most part, but I was surprised to hear that your father’s surprise of Lois Stibbs which led to her heart attack, was intentional on your dad’s part. I just figured he was lurking outside the house, as he usually does and Lois picked a poor time to open the window shade to see him standing there. I suppose this explains why George did not sound particularly vindictive about your dad, during the brief time I stayed at his place after my prison break.

    I hope your trip goes well and you come back with no more fur on you than you left with.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 3:02 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m rilly thinkin’ good thots 4u. wut u don’t know iz i came home frum my internship @koolhaus last nite, aftah preppin’ the sound 4 the weekend shows & found dr. artemis talkin’ 2 my mom @my house. i cud hear her say 2 my mom, “thass not a bad idea, ms. jones. jeremy & april wud fit 2gethah like fingahz in a mitten.” my mom sed, “u mean like fingahz in a glove.” dr. artemis sed, “that wudn’t make ne sense.”

    my mom sed, “u talked ‘bout settin’ up jeremy so he wud b converted 2 good by april, so he wudn’t turn out like his dad. i’d say the potential here is 4 them 2…not the delaney-forsythe boy.” dr. artemis sed, “can u sell jeremy on the idea?” then i walked in on them & i sed, “sell me on wut idea?” my mom sed, “dr. artemis has a suggest, which has merit.—why don’t we think about it?” i sed, “u mean ‘y don’t i think ‘bout it? it looks like u2 already made up ur mind.”

    dr. artemis sed, “so sad 2c1 so young & yet so evil. i think ur rite, ms. jones. i will go ahead w/my plan & take april 2 corbeil.” my mom sed, “it wud b the best 4 every1 involved.” then dr. artemis left. i sed, “wut ru tryin’ 2 do, mom?” my mom sed, “don’t play coy w/me, jeremy. i punished u 4 ur part in that gym / jam, & then i heard ‘bout how u called the special needs kids ‘retarded’, w/o givin’ them ne explanation of wut the word means. ur turnin’ out just like ur dad, & i can’t just stand by & let it happ. dr. artemis sez april iz supposed 2 turn u2 good, cuz it’s part of her destiny.”

    i sed, “wut is gonna happ 2 april?” my mom sed, “dr. artemis sed she needed 2 take a trip 2 corbeil, where, among othah thingz, she will be properly trained on how2 convert a bully n2 a good person.” i sed, “i don’t needta b converted 2 good. i’m not like my dad.” my mom sed, “thass just wut ur dad wud say.” & thass all she wud say & i cudn’t get her 2 change her mind.

    neway, april, i’m rilly, rilly thinkin’ good thots 4u.

     
  • At 3:50 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Per your request while you are out in Corbeil, I am continuing to write about the events involving our visit to George Stibbs’ house and also the events which led up to you being taken to Corbeil. I hope your readers appreciate my efforts, but I doubt they will.

    We had arrived home after visiting George Stibbs’ house and as my father often likes to do, he decided to summarize his position on the home-buying situation, in the vain hope that everyone would agree with him. As often as he has been doing this, (which is for as long as I can remember), I can’t think of a single instance where this technique worked, and this occasion was no exception. He said, “Well, that was an exciting visit, wasn’t it!...Selling this house to the kids and moving down the street makes sense!”

    Then dad looked about and realized no one was saying anything and he said, “Why is everyone so quiet?” What I wanted to say was, “Dad. I never realized your hair was a toupee, and it is sliding off your head, and without it you bear a strange resemblance to Frankenberry.” However, mom stepped in to keep dad from realizing his hair was falling off his head, and she said, “You’re way ahead of us, John! Besides you and I have 30 years of stuff in this house!” Then we all went to silhouette so dad could pull his hair back up in the darkness. Mom continued on by saying, “You’re also forcing Mike and Deanna to make a huge decision!”

    I found I actually had a small difficulty with both of mom’s points. Back last year around this time, mom retired and went on a cleaning binge throwing out most of her possessions from the last 30 years. There wasn’t that much stuff left. As for forcing me and Deanna to make a decision, that was not really true, since my wife had been scheming with my dad for the past month to get us into the old house. Deanna elbowed me and said, “Say something!” I said, “It could work mom……I’ve always loved this house.”

    This had a positive affect on mom and she regained her calm composure briefly, until you came bounding down the stairs yelling, “WAIT A MINUTE! I LIVE HERE!...WHAT ABOUT ME?!” When Deanna saw you, she said to me, “Who’s that?” I said, “It’s my sister.” Then Deanna said, “You have 3 sisters?” Then I said, “No. That’s April.” And Deanna said, “You’re kidding.” I said, “No, really. This is April at 16.” Deanna said, “You don’t fool me, Michael Patterson. She has her fingers positioned at her armpits, just like someone doing an imitation of a chicken flapping its wings, and she certainly has the topknot for a chicken. Also, her mouth is shaped like a triangular beak. This is really a chicken person, isn’t it?” I said, “No, Deanna. This is really April.” Deanna said, “That’s all wrong. She’s supposed to look prettier at 16 and not like a chicken. I might have to make a call to get someone here to fix this.” Then she did. Whether or not it had something to do with your trip to Corbeil, I don’t know.

    For April’s readers, more tomorrow.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 12:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Your brother’s story almost makes it sound like she called up someone in Corbeil to take care of you looking like a chicken. I hope you don’t come back with feathers. I know you won’t read this until you come back, but I can’t wait to tell you.

    I do have some good news. This morning I am a free man. My lawyer, Mr. Benis was called and informed that the panel of judges of the Ontario Court of Appeal ruled that my sentence should be reduced to time served, due to the large number of incorrect courtroom procedures.

    I have been released from Mimico. I called Mr. Gluttson of Portrait Magazine and informed him I would be taking the salaried position of senior editor, instead of the prison work program job I had before. He had mixed feelings. He wants to keep me there, but I think he preferred it when I was working for free.

    I took the day off work to get things settled, which is a nice way of saying, “Picking up all my old things which had been sitting in storage since I was put in prison.” Temporarily I will be staying at Becky’s house. My old room is currently occupied by my replacement, a thick-necked young fellow by the name of Lars. Neither Becky’s mom or Dr. McCaulay wanted me back in the house, since I was a convicted criminal, but frankly, Lars’ cleaning skills left much to be desired. For example, when I got to Becky’s house, I found her sleeping on a fold-out chesterfield in the basement. I said to Becky, “Why are you sleeping down here?” She didn’t answer, but when I went up to her bungalow I found what seemed like 30 years worth of empty naked juice bottles. I said to Becky, “You know, you could throw away those bottles and sleep in your own place.” Becky said, “That’s Lars’ job.”

    Anyway, I plan to clean up Becky’s bungalow enough so we can sleep there, and then after Becky gets out from school, we are going to go house-hunting. Dr. McCaulay said, “It’s a great time to go house-hunting, particularly in the Sharon Park Lane area. The house prices have been dropping like a stone for some reason. I was thinking about buying something over there, just because it’s so cheap.” Becky's mom was not happy. She said, “You’re forcing Becky to make a huge decision.” I said, “What? It’s just a house. It’s not like we’re going to pick a house and then decide to make you switch your house with our house. That would be a huge decision which would involve a lot more than just Becky and me.” Becky’s mom said, “Oh, right.”

    After we go house-hunting, then Becky and I are going to celebrate my release. I haven’t made her dinner in a long time from being in prison, so I am looking forward to stretching my cooking muscles again. I would invite you over to share in the celebration, but you are stuck in Corbeil, doing something about your chicken-like appearance.

    I don’t think we are going to have chicken tonight.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, tonite i don’t have nething @the kool haus. it’s a dj nite & the dj they r bringin’ duz his own sound. saturday nite iz big. it’s an all ages show 4 clap your hands and say yeah with elvis perkins in dearland @8 pm, then tall paul @midnight & u hafta b 19+ to attend. it’s gonna b bizzy w/2 concerts in 1 nite. neway, since i wuz not bizzy 2nite, my v-girl vanessa set up kinda a group v-girl/v-boy group d8. the v-girls like thoze kinda d8s a lot. ‘course 2morrow nite they will all be goin’ 2 the kool haus 4the all ages show, off tix frum me of course. ur welcome 2 come 2, if ur back from corbeil by then.

    the only prob 2nite is figgerin’ out wut the v-girls wanna do. vanessa sed, “we’ll go c grindhouse @the movies then go 2 the double-d pizza & then ovah 2 my place where we can dance & othah things. it only makes sense.” but violetta sed, “ur way ahead of us, vanessa. we haven’t decided if we evn wanna c a movie. my bf vince wuz the most victimificant this week, since he wuz knocked in the head by april patterson’s new hair & hadda concussion.” vince sed, “yeah. i nevah thot hair cud be that hard, but violetta sez it can if u put enuff hair spray in it.” valerie sed, “my v-boy gotta papercut.” vicki simone sed, “gordie had an accident, but he didn’t break anything. just bruises.” vanessa sed, “wut happed 2u this week, jeremy?” i sed, “nothin’. it’s been a pretty good week.” vanessa wuz not happ w/me.

    it may seem kinda odd the v-girls choose u2 pick wut 2 do based on their v-boys’ victimificant-ness, but it duz have the advantage of not b-comin’ 1 of thoze queen bee kinda groups, where 1 or 2 girls decide everythin’. it looks like violetta is gonna pick wut we do 2nite.

     
  • At 2:13 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    yo apes,

    sorry 2 hear u have turned chicken-like. also sorry 2 hear that ur rents 4got abt u. mayb they r gonna leave u @ the big house as part of the sale? like a built-in babysitter?

    howie, there is a rilly gr8 house across the street frum the choo-choo house. we need r own place. i think we should make an offer 2nite.

    i asked mr. benis's partner, mr. brotum, 2 look in2 how i could get emancipated frum my rents under canadian law. mr. brotum duz mostly family law an' sed he'd get rite on that. he sez i have a strong case tho cuz i can b economically self-sufficient, even w/ the drop-off in my earnings after the gym/jam. also, cuz my 'rents r kinda incompetent. he sez a stable an' permanent place 2 live would help me look good 2 the court. in ontario, it is ok 4 me 2 set up my own independent household now i m 16.

    fafa is all 4 it, since mom got primary custody of me, he thinks this will keep her frum interfering w/ my career.

    we need 2 talk howie. we have sum big dcisions 2 make. i would prefer 2 do it b4 apes gets back frum the witch's house. u know it will all b about her when that happs.

    becks

     
  • At 5:03 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I finally got Becky’s place cleaned up. You wouldn’t believe how many naked juice bottles I found and in all the odd places.

    She has contacted my lawyer, Mr. Benis’ partner, Mr. Brotum, who has confirmed that a 16-year-old in Ontario can do what he calls, “withdraw from parental control”. In some provinces they call it “emancipated minor”, but in Ontario that’s what they call it. Mr. Brotum said he would begin the paperwork in order to make Becky’s new status legal.

    The house across from George Stibbs’ house is for sale, and it is a little small for my tastes. I plan to have a lot of children with Becky, and I can see the need for more than 2 bedrooms in the future. However, the owner is very anxious to sell before the market value of his place gets any lower. You won’t believe this April, but the houses across the street from George Stibbs’ house are incredibly cheap. And the houses just down the road from George Stibbs’ house area also incredibly cheap. It really looks like almost the whole neighbourhood immediately around his house is trying to move.

    I am trying to talk Becky into looking at more than one house. House-hunting can be fun, to compare all the different types of houses to see which one you like the best—which one has the nicest kitchen, or has rooms which can be turned into kids rooms or nurseries---the usual kinds of things which are important to a guy. Becky almost didn’t want to look at any more houses than the first one until I said, “What are you, Michael Patterson?” Then Becky started to tear up and said, “You didn’t need to be that mean, Howie.” I apologized and we kissed and made up. Nevertheless, it did give Becky the impetus to look at more than one house and she is quite excited about it now. Here is the weird part, April. One house we looked at, we went back to see again an hour later, and the house price had gotten lower in just that hour. I think if we can hold out and wait a little bit, we should be able to get an extraordinary deal.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 5:23 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    howie,

    i think it would b cube 2 live near apes. also, i have a feeling she mite need 2 come over our place a lot 2 hang an' hide frum her krazee rents. i think we should take 1 of the places on the street w/ the choo-choo house. remember, we can alwayz add on. plus, we need 2 hurry up an' establish a stable non-parental residence 4 me.

    i called back the person selling the house across from the choo-choo house, an' mr. sparks sez he will sell 4 $50,000 an' a full set of bobby curtola records, if we take care of the 30 years of junk in the house rselves. what do u think? the house is on a double lot, which is enuff room 2 add on an' have a studio.

    becks

     
  • At 5:56 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Bobby Curtola records?!! A full set?!! Fortunately, they always have those in stock at Lilliput’s, but I don’t like even touching them, and ever since we got engaged, when I go to Lilliput’s, Beatrice Alfarero gives me dirty looks.

    $50,000 is a super fantastic deal though. At that price, we can pay for the house outright, without having to do any financing, with the money from my savings and your savings we had planned to use for the downpayment. It’s hard to believe that just 2 hours ago, Mr. Sparks wanted $400,000 for the place. I think we should go for it. Did you like it? We have lots of choices; we don’t have to necessarily go with the one closest to where we think April will be living. She could walk a little bit, if there was a place you liked better. I do like the lot size, though. There would be lots of room for our kids to play, and I could even put up a swing set, and a teeter-totter. April’s not going to be in our house when we’re making babies, is she?

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 3:47 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Once again, per your request while you are out in Corbeil, I am continuing to write about the events involving our visit to George Stibbs’ house and also the events which led up to you being taken to Corbeil.

    After you had made your appearance and entrance into the discussion about buying the Stibbs’ house and moving the families about, as you may have noticed (but possibly not, since your focus was clearly not oriented on anyone except you), mom left our little group muttering something about how her entire family had turned against her and she was going to call someone in Corbeil to fix the problem. Then as it always is when two or more Pattersons are gathered together, coffee cups must be filled and served. Dad even broke out the nicer coffee cups that have visible handles on them, but only three of them. I think this was either because dad considers coffee to be an adult drink, and at 16 years old, you are not an adult in his eyes; or it was because dad was afraid of giving you a hot beverage in your mental state at that time. There is also the possibility that dad can’t count properly, but that seems unlikely.

    In any case, as dad was serving up the hot java, I clearly remember you saying, “If you sell this house to Mike and Deanna---where would I go?!” I remember the hand gesture you used and the sudden shift of your body to your right. I hope this doesn’t sound too creepy, little sis, but I also remember how your left breast was suddenly quite a bit bigger than your right, and I remember thinking to myself either, “Maybe this is the reason why April is leaning so much.” or “Whoa! Mike! Stop looking at your formerly little sis’ breasts.” I am not sure which one I thought.

    Dad didn’t seem to notice your sudden anatomical change, as he was absorbed in coffee-pouring and he answered your question in an indirect way, which is to say he said, “The Stibbs’ house has 2 bedrooms, April.” Of course dad did not say, “And one of those bedrooms would be yours” which I really hoped he would say, so it would make me feel better about some of the ways dad looks at you.

    You however, were not done with your physical changes. I remember looking at you, while you said, “But I like it here! I’m not ready to move!!!” Then you seemed to change bodies with one of those sports football guys. This change caught dad’s eye, and I noticed him looking over his shoulder lasciviously at you. I think it was this look which prompted me to say, “Then, you can stay here with us!

    No matter my motivation for extending the invitation, my lovely Deanna jumped on the idea. You may not have noticed it, but Dee grabbed ahold of your left shoulder and looked straight into your eye and said, “We’d LOVE IT if you stayed with us!---Why don’t you stay with us?!!

    Later, I asked Deanna why she was so enthusiastic about you staying with us. I know you suspected it was because Deanna wanted you to “be a live-in baby sitter!!!” for us, but the truth of the matter is a little more complicated than that. Back when we lived in Lovey Saltzman’s apartments, if Deanna needed a female voice to talk to, there was always Carleen Stein. Now we have been living in mom’s house for almost 4 months now, the one person Deanna feels comfortable talking is you. The Lizardbreath and my mom never play with the kids, but you do. Liz and my mom never ask Deanna how her day was, but you do. As I looked at you with your bulbous lips looking at my Deanna with her bulbous lips, the thought occurred to me, “I think Deanna has made a new friend.” I think my original reaction might have been more like, “Cheeze. My sister and my wife look more alike every day”, but I threw that idea out because when I thought it, I felt myself looking quite a bit like the Lizardbreath and I certainly did not want to have that transformation take place.

    More tomorrow perhaps, formerly little sis. I hope your readers can stand the tension.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i'm kinda writin' this more az a record of wut happed than az a post 2u, so peeps will know wut's goin' on. it all started aftah i went out on my group date w/my v-girl vanessa & the v-girls. we didn't go 2c grindhouse like my v-girl vanessa wunted, & vanessa wuz in a bad mood the whole night. she told me i hadda take her 2c grindhouse by ourselves 2 make up 4 it. wen i sed, "duz this make us like bf/gf?", she kinda growled @me & sed sumthin' 'bout havin' me az a bf wud b like b-ing a live-in baby-sitter, so i guess it didn't.

    neway i wuz @my house aftah droppin' off vanessa & i wuz in a kinda bad mood. i wuz brushin' my teeth & then this girl who looked like u b4 u turned 16 showed up in my mirror. i looked b-hind me & u weren't there, so i figgered i wuz gettin' a visit frum ur opposite in the mirror world, lirpA. i sed, "what do u want?" cuz i wuz still in a bad mood. she held up a sign written backwards 2 me which sed, "Watch video." then she held up her cell 2 the mirror & played a bunch of viddies she shot off her cell.

    the 1st viddie looked like it wuz taken frum sum1's office mirror. it showed u w/dr. artemis & sum lady who looked a lot like ur mom xxcept w/shorter hair & a lot smaller nose. u were talkin' 'bout stuff & the lady gave u a drink, which u drank & sed sumthin' 'bout how the drink tasted rilly good. & the lady sed sumthin' 'bout how pattersons luv that drink. then u got this rilly big-eyed look on ur face. then the lady sed 2 dr. artemis, "she's reddy."

    the 2nd video looked like it wuz taken frum a hand-held mirror & it wobbled a bit. but in the video, sum1 wuz givin' u instructions on the proper application of makeup, clothes & hair 2 enhance ur patterson allure. this video wuz rilly hard 4 me 2 look @, cuz every couple of seconds, i wuz proposin' marriage 2u. evn thru the proposin' i cud c, ur were startin' 2 look more & more like ur sis. ur lips were gettin' bigger & u were wearin' clothes like an old frumpy bag lady & 4 sum reasn i thot they looked rilly sexy.

    the 3rd video looked like it wuz taken frum a giant mirror in a dance studio or sumthin'. u were wearin' like a pink karate outfit & there wuz a dummy mocked up 2 look like me. the instructor wuz teachin' u sum kinda weird self-defence where u wud knock down the dummy & then tweak his ear or give him a noogie & yell, "turn 2 good! jeremy! or else!" u looked like u were rilly gettin' n2 & a couple times wen u kicked the dummy between the legs, the instructor sed, "no, april. not there. u might need that sum day." it wuz freakin' me out.

    the 4th video wuz u in a class room, & it looked like the viddie wuz frum reflection off sum kinda teachin' demonstration thing. the instructor wuz sayin, "if the pun iz not particularly funny, try 2 make ur eyebrows jump off ur head & make a rilly funny face & ur earrings leap off ur ears." u seemed 2b doin' a good job w/that part & u actually whacked the instructor in the head w/ur eyebrows once.

    the 5th video wuz u back in the same class room, & the instructor wuz sayin' 2u, "how many puns can u make w/the word 'pastry'". then u were sayin' "'pastry' sounds kinda like 'pasty', so i cud pun on sum1's pasty skin aftah eatin' nothin' but pastries, like 'i think mom has had 2 many muffins, cuz she looks kinda pastry.'" the instructor sed, "excellent april. u cud b the finest punner the pattersons have had yet. i have seen this kinda natural talent since ur dad." then u kinda blushed & sed, "i hope i can b az good az dad."

    that wuz the last viddie & then lirpA lifted anothah sign which sed, "Rescue her." i found a piece of paper & wrote backwards 4 her 2 read, "No way." then lirpA wrote anothah sign which sed, "The Jeremy I know will rescue April." i h8 it wen peeps r rite. i kinda nodded yes & lirpA seemed pretty happ 'bout that. 'course she wuz givin' a big hug 2 my reflection in the mirror & he seemed 2b happier than i wuz,evn tho he looked just like wut i wuz doin'.

    so i told my mom 'bout the xxperience w/my mirror & asked her if she wud drive me 2 corbeil 2 rescue april. mom sed, "y wud i do that? u needta b turned frum bad 2 good & they r gonna train her how2 do it." so then i figgered i wud need help w/sum1 i cud trust 2 help me in this kinda sitch. i got on my bike & rode ovah 2 rebecca's place.

    i got there & knocked on the door of rebecca's bungalow & rebecca sed, "wut r doin' here? if u wunt leftovahs frum howie's dinner, there aren't any." it musta been a good dinner cuz rebeccah had powdered sugar on her face & she's usually not that messy 'round food unless it's good or unless she's doin' sumthin' i don't wanna think 'bout. neway, i told her the story & asked 4 her help. she sed, "there's no way we're goin' up 2 corbeil 2 mess w/that witch up there. the last tyme howie went there he came back a dog. i'm not gonna get married 2 a dog. 'sides, howie & i r goin' put an offer on a house 2morrow. go away." then howeird showed up wearing nothin' but a chef's outfit & he sed, "i dunno if we shud get the house across frum the stibbs' place, becky. i just read this thing mike wrote on april's real blog & it looks like april may decide 2 stay in her same house." rebecca started cursin' a lot & then she told howeird wut i wuz there 4. howeird looked rilly nervous & talked 'bout the same dog incident, but rebecca wuz suddenly innerested in goin' 2 corbeil 2 ask u which house u picked 2 live in. i guess it's important 2 her 2 live nexta u 4 sum reasn. howeird sed he cud just w8 till u got back.

    i sed, "ok. if u don't wanna help me, i needta find sum1 who will help." so, howeird looked kinda guilty & sed, "ok. if we go 2 corbeil, we needta have sum1 w/us 2 protect us frum b-ing destroyed. sum1 the witch likes." rebecca sed, "there's no1 the witch likes better'n mike patterson." i sed, "how do u know that?" rebecca sed, "i've read parts of his book." i hadda agree she hadda point.

    so we got in howeird's car & he drove us ovah 2 ur 'rents place (the sharon park drive one). i stayed out in the car & howeird & rebecca went 2 the door & went in. wen they came back out, they had michael patterson w/them. he got in the car & sed 2 me, "jeremy. u r in 4 a treat. it's a good thing i'm not workin' @portrait magazine nemore or i wudn't have the tyme 2 do this." i started 2 wondah wut he wuz talkin' bout, wen he pulled out a laptop & started sayin' out loud 2 me. "stoned season. dedication: 2 the strong women in my life w/o whom this book wud nevah have been written, especially my beloved mother elly & the woman i married. chapter one. soldiers look so good in their tight little uniforms." i think i heard a silent scream in my head. it wuz the beginnin' of several hours of torture where i wud look @my watch & think, "it can't have been only 1 minute since the last tyme i looked @u."

    we were several hours on the road & ur bro needed needed 2 take a little voice nap & that gave me the opportunity 2 write this. we r on our way 2 rescue u, assumin' i can survive listenin' 2 the rest of ur bro's book. this bettah be worth it.

     
  • At 1:49 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Jeremy Jones is writing a record of the events on our trip, so I thought I would add a few words in, while I can. We stopped for lunch, and Michael Patterson went into the washroom and he has been primping in the mirror for awhile now, so I figure it may take him awhile to stop looking at himself.

    How did this happen? Last night, Jeremy came by Becky's bungalow and told us this strange story about the mirror girl lirpA. I never met her. As you may recollect the action which sent her back to the mirror world from our world was the same one who brought me back to life as a dog. Becky said she was a real slut, the exact opposite of the way you are, so I can only imagine why she would feel the need to have you rescued.

    I never wanted to go to Corbeil again, after the last time, but Becky appealed to my better nature. We decided to get your brother, because we figured that if he managed to get the first publisher he sent his book to agree to publish it, then the witch must really like him. The only problem was convincing Michael to come with us.

    Becky and I went to your house. She said she had a plan. So we knocked on your door & your sister Elizabeth answered the door. She took a look at me and said, "Aren't you supposed to be in prison?" I said, "I got acquitted and my sentence was reduced to time served." Then she looked at Becky and yelled out loud, "Mom, did Merrie turn 16?" Your mother yelled back, "No." But when she came in the room and saw Becky she grabbed her and started pulling her away from me, saying, "You aren't going to pull the shirt of another girl in our family, you rat!" Becky said, "I'm Becky McGuire. Let go of me, Jelly Fatterson." Your mother looked startled for moment, but said, "It figures an only child like you would end up with Howard Bunt. Why are you here?"

    Becky said, "We want to talk to Michael." Your mother said, "He's in a conference with John and Deanna. It seems like all they do these days is talk about their plans without me, like I don't exist." Elizabeth said, "Or me either." The dogs were in the room and they barked something, which sounded to my ear like, "Or us either", but I could have been imagining things.

    In any case, they got Michael and he came along with Deanna and your dad. Deanna had powdered sugar around her mouth for some reason, which I don't want to think about. Becky said, "April has failed to convert Jeremy Jones to goodness, but we have Jeremy out in the car to take him to Corbeil to be converted to good. In order for the transformation to be complete, we need to expose Jeremy to something so wonderful and so fantastic, he cannot help being changed." Michael said, "My novel! I can read him my novel! You don't mind if I go, do you mom?" Your mother said, "Of course not. Jeremy must be converted, and April is too lazy to do it." And it was as easy as that.

    After Mike went to get his laptop, I said to Becky, "That was great. I am so lucky I have such a smart fiancee." Becky said, "You don't have to be smart to outwit a Patterson. I just hope we can stand to listen to Mike's novel all the way to Corbeil." I said, "I have earplugs in my car." Becky said, "We'll only put them in if we have to." I think we were about a kilometre from your parents' house when they went in.

    Mike has finally finished in the washroom. He looks just like your sister Elizabeth with short hair. It's scary how he does that. Time to go.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    Apes,

    i'm surprised ur bro offered 2 let u live in his house. i just dropped by my bro's house the other day, & he was really grumpy about me just visiting. told me that i needed 2 knock next time, & he *might* say "come in". just 4 that, when i ran into Toni on the sidewalk, i told her 2 knock first 2 see if he'd think it was me, & tell her 2 get lost. it'd serve him right.

    the real question is, will ur bro let u have back the furniture u bought w/ur own money? & buy u a new mattress, cause, ew.

    this johnston institute 4 better living sounds scary. i'm glad there's a rescue team heading up 2 get u.

    this whole childhood sweetheart/potential spouse thing is dumb anyway. there r probably tons of great people out there, there's no reason u have 2 be limited 2 people u knew in grade school. thank god i'm not a patterson. although if i got paired up w/Aaron Hill...nah, it's still dumb.

    anyway, i think they r wasting their time, because i get the weirdest feeling that u & i r gonna b 16 4ever. do u ever get that feeling?

    Luann

     
  • At 4:05 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize that your work can have a purpose aside from becoming the great Canadian novel, jumping to the top of the bestseller list, and winning all kinds of writing awards. Sometimes, your work can actually change someone’s life. That moment was granted to me, when we received a strange request from the evil Howard Bunt, the slatternly Becky McGuire, and the bullying and rapidly-aging Jeremy Jones; for me to read my novel Stone Season to them.

    Becky and Howard tried to make it seem like I would be reading the book just to convert Jeremy to good, which I know is your job, but if I accomplish it, then I will be happy for you to take credit. The only requirement was that I had to ride with them on a car trip to Corbeil, one of my favourite places to go. The scenery is so beautiful up there. After you are living with me and Deanna, if we take any family vacations, I am sure Corbeil will be high on our list of places to visit and you are welcome to stay with us on that trip. You’ve been in Corbeil for at least a day or two now, and I am sure you are falling in love with the place, just as I did years ago, when I was uncertain about whether or not I wanted to become a writer. They have the most marvelous drink they serve there. Just drinking it seems to take all the troubles of the world away. It is quite a learning experience too, as I am sure you are finding out. I learned I wanted to be a writer, and I gave up any idea that I might want to be a photographer. Certainly my success in my writing career has been the proof I made the “write” decision.

    As I read my novel to Jeremy, I can see the change coming over him. Each time I saw, “Does that passage make you feel like you are turning to good, or do I need to read it again?” Jeremy always says he is turning to good. I can tell it having an effect on Becky and Howard too. They think I can’t see those ear plugs, but little do they suspect it just makes me speak louder, and I can tell from their reactions they can hear me, even though their ears are plugged. With any luck, by the time we get to Corbeil, 3 of the biggest villains in our family history will have a complete change in personality. If only Kortney Krelbutz could have been with us. Oh, well. I hope to see you soon in Corbeil.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 4:05 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, if we don't get 2 corbeil, soon, i think i am gonna kill myself.

     
  • At 4:17 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    well, we're still on r trip 2 corbeil. i'm sure howie or jer will come by soon 2 tell the deets. i m here 2 ask advice abt the whole "home buying" sitch. on 1 hand, i found a house across the street frum the stibbs house, 4 $50,000 plus a full set of bobby curtola records. but then i got a phone call frum my realtor while we have been on r trip. the peeps who live across frum the patterson house on sharon park drive r looking 2 sell. they r willing 2 go as low as $75,000, but no bobby curtola records need 2 b involved. they r in sum kind of hurry. the realtor sed sumthing abt how the owners have seen a bunch of slutty, big-lipped women an' giant chickens over @ the patterson house l8ly. also sum hyperactive midgets an' peeps w/ mutated noses an' chins. they r moving away bcuz they r afraid it mite b caused by sum sort of radioactive contamination in the nabe or sumthing. she also sed the neighbors r v. upset about all the peeps an' cars an' junk they've seen in the yard over there, "it's like the clampetts or sumthing" they sed. neway, howie an' i r mulling over r options. apes, u should try 2 let us know where u r gonna live. it could help us.

    btw, these ear plugs work gr8.

    becks

     
  • At 4:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    in case ne1 hasn't refreshed the main page, pls do an' c my upd8!

    apes

     

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