The Scheme

Mike posted the next bit of what happed when he an' Dee went w/Mom an' Dad 2 C the Stibbs choo-choo house:

April,

Formerly little sis. There comes a time in every man’s life when he has to arrange an elaborate scheme in order to convince his wife to do something. Our dear father has been lusting over George Stibbs’ home and property for the better part of the last 19 months, and after our mother refused to let him buy it, he began this elaborate scheme of pretending it would be a good home for Deanna and me and the kids. And I suppose from mom’s perspective, this might make sense. After all, Deanna and I spent the last 5 years living in a 2-bedroom apartment, so a 2-bedroom house would be an improvement. However, with Deanna’s desire for a place with at least 4 bedrooms, George’s place would never have been satisfactory for us.

As we were looking through George Stibbs’ house during our visit, George magically reappeared from he had disappeared, with his sleeves rolled down since the last time we saw him. Deanna pulled me into a silhouette and said, “Mike, we should step over here and let George work.” I said, “George work what?” Deanna said, “The routine he is going to play on mom.” I said, “What routine?” Deanna said, “To convince mom to buy his house.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding!”

But she wasn’t kidding. George looked at my dad and mom and said, “That’s not a bad idea, John! You and Elly would fit in here like fingers in a glove! You talked about setting your trains out back there on the property—I’d say the potential here is for you two…not the kids!” Deanna said, “Wow, George is one awful actor.” I said, “Because of the way he can instantly gain weight by just moving his right arm? I thought that was a pretty good trick.” Deanna said, “No. He has completely overplayed it. Elly has her hand on her hip and she’s not looking at George. She’s glaring at your dad.” I said, “How do you know about this?” Deanna said, “Your father and I commute to work every day he goes to work, and we have been discussing our financial future for the last month. He knows how good I am at scheming, and so he enlisted my help for our mutual benefit.” I said, “Then you know what George is going to do next?” Deanna said, “If it’s like what he just did, he is going to completely overdo it.”

Then George put his hand on dad’s shoulder and looked him earnestly in the eye and said with trembling lips, “Sell them YOUR place!!” Deanna groaned. She said, “George is as subtle as your mom’s cooking. He looks like he is professing his love to your dad, not offering to sell him his house. I hope your dad can recover.” And recover is exactly what dad tried to do.

He looked at mom as smooth as could be, without even taking his hand out of his pocket and said, “George’s suggestion has merit, Elly.---Why don’t we think about it?” Deanna moaned. “Geez, Mike. You’re dad’s almost as bad an actor as George. Your mom’s not going to be fooled by that line. ‘Has merit’. Who says that?”

Sure enough, mom’s response was “You mean, ‘Why don’t I think about it?’” Then George had a suddenly disoriented, discombobulated, look. I thought he might have been surprised by mom figuring out dad’s scheme so easily; or he might have been concerned that mom, while doing our patented Patterson splay of hand to the breast gesture, had broken her wrist. Later on, George confessed to me that he briefly couldn’t tell the difference between mom and dad, which is a common problem, but shocking if you’re not accustomed to it.

Mom’s evil eye on dad soon faded and she started to look around the house as she said, “It looks like you’ve already made up your mind!” George winked at dad either indicating he thought the scheme had worked on mom, or it was some kind of pick-up signal. I don’t know which one. Dad looked a little miffed at George, no doubt from his poor acting performance, or because he was trying to pick up dad right in front of mom. It’s hard to say with the gestures of the very old, what they truly mean. All you can know for sure is that if a husband wants something from his wife, he has to enlist the help of his daughter-in-law and use an elaborate scheme.

And yes, formerly little sis, I will have more for you tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Interesting that no1 mentioned ME having 2 live w/Mom and Dad. I wonder if that meanz they intend 2 haul me off 2 the farm. Or the Catholic military reform school in Ottawa.

Oh, and OMG! Dr. Artemis, that Patterson childhood sweetheart/potetial spouse consultant? She's here now and she's taking me up 2 Corbeil, 2 the Johnston Institute For Better Living! She won't tell me what's gonna happ up there, only that I'm gonna B away until sumtyme Saturday evening. And she sez I prolly won't B able 2 get online the whole time I'm there, so no upd8's from me here until I get back on Sat.

I'm a bit scared, ppl, so pls think gd thots 4 me! Pls check the comments 2 this post 4 upd8's from Mike and others. I'll do a catching-up post when I'm back.

Apes

P.S. RIP Kurt Vonnegut. :(