April's Real Blog

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Dispatch from Corbeil

Becky, Jeremy, Howard and Mike are here! Becks just threw me her fone so I cd post this 2 U.

So, they've all been posting abt stuff that's happed. Here's the digest. Mike, Thursday nite/Friday wee hrs, wrote:

Formerly little sis. Per your request while you are out in Corbeil, I am continuing to write about the events involving our visit to George Stibbs’ house and also the events which led up to you being taken to Corbeil. I hope your readers appreciate my efforts, but I doubt they will.

We had arrived home after visiting George Stibbs’ house and as my father often likes to do, he decided to summarize his position on the home-buying situation, in the vain hope that everyone would agree with him. As often as he has been doing this, (which is for as long as I can remember), I can’t think of a single instance where this technique worked, and this occasion was no exception. He said, “Well, that was an exciting visit, wasn’t it!...Selling this house to the kids and moving down the street makes sense!”

Then dad looked about and realized no one was saying anything and he said, “Why is everyone so quiet?” What I wanted to say was, “Dad. I never realized your hair was a toupee, and it is sliding off your head, and without it you bear a strange resemblance to Frankenberry.” However, mom stepped in to keep dad from realizing his hair was falling off his head, and she said, “You’re way ahead of us, John! Besides you and I have 30 years of stuff in this house!” Then we all went to silhouette so dad could pull his hair back up in the darkness. Mom continued on by saying, “You’re also forcing Mike and Deanna to make a huge decision!”

I found I actually had a small difficulty with both of mom’s points. Back last year around this time, mom retired and went on a cleaning binge throwing out most of her possessions from the last 30 years. There wasn’t that much stuff left. As for forcing me and Deanna to make a decision, that was not really true, since my wife had been scheming with my dad for the past month to get us into the old house. Deanna elbowed me and said, “Say something!” I said, “It could work mom……I’ve always loved this house.”

This had a positive affect on mom and she regained her calm composure briefly, until you came bounding down the stairs yelling, “WAIT A MINUTE! I LIVE HERE!...WHAT ABOUT ME?!” When Deanna saw you, she said to me, “Who’s that?” I said, “It’s my sister.” Then Deanna said, “You have 3 sisters?” Then I said, “No. That’s April.” And Deanna said, “You’re kidding.” I said, “No, really. This is April at 16.” Deanna said, “You don’t fool me, Michael Patterson. She has her fingers positioned at her armpits, just like someone doing an imitation of a chicken flapping its wings, and she certainly has the topknot for a chicken. Also, her mouth is shaped like a triangular beak. This is really a chicken person, isn’t it?” I said, “No, Deanna. This is really April.” Deanna said, “That’s all wrong. She’s supposed to look prettier at 16 and not like a chicken. I might have to make a call to get someone here to fix this.” Then she did. Whether or not it had something to do with your trip to Corbeil, I don’t know.

For April’s readers, more tomorrow.

Michael Patterson
Nope, my trip 2 Corbeil had nuthin' 2 do w/"looking like a chicken." Turns out this was a lighting/weird angle kinda ish.

Then, in the afternoon, Jeremy wrote:
april, i’m rilly thinkin’ good thots 4u. wut u don’t know iz i came home frum my internship @koolhaus last nite, aftah preppin’ the sound 4 the weekend shows & found dr. artemis talkin’ 2 my mom @my house. i cud hear her say 2 my mom, “thass not a bad idea, ms. jones. jeremy & april wud fit 2gethah like fingahz in a mitten.” my mom sed, “u mean like fingahz in a glove.” dr. artemis sed, “that wudn’t make ne sense.”

my mom sed, “u talked ‘bout settin’ up jeremy so he wud b converted 2 good by april, so he wudn’t turn out like his dad. i’d say the potential here is 4 them 2…not the delaney-forsythe boy.” dr. artemis sed, “can u sell jeremy on the idea?” then i walked in on them & i sed, “sell me on wut idea?” my mom sed, “dr. artemis has a suggest, which has merit.—why don’t we think about it?” i sed, “u mean ‘y don’t i think ‘bout it? it looks like u2 already made up ur mind.”

dr. artemis sed, “so sad 2c1 so young & yet so evil. i think ur rite, ms. jones. i will go ahead w/my plan & take april 2 corbeil.” my mom sed, “it wud b the best 4 every1 involved.” then dr. artemis left. i sed, “wut ru tryin’ 2 do, mom?” my mom sed, “don’t play coy w/me, jeremy. i punished u 4 ur part in that gym / jam, & then i heard ‘bout how u called the special needs kids ‘retarded’, w/o givin’ them ne explanation of wut the word means. ur turnin’ out just like ur dad, & i can’t just stand by & let it happ. dr. artemis sez april iz supposed 2 turn u2 good, cuz it’s part of her destiny.”

i sed, “wut is gonna happ 2 april?” my mom sed, “dr. artemis sed she needed 2 take a trip 2 corbeil, where, among othah thingz, she will be properly trained on how2 convert a bully n2 a good person.” i sed, “i don’t needta b converted 2 good. i’m not like my dad.” my mom sed, “thass just wut ur dad wud say.” & thass all she wud say & i cudn’t get her 2 change her mind.

neway, april, i’m rilly, rilly thinkin’ good thots 4u.
Weird, eh?

K, so Friday nite/v. early this morning, Mike was all:

Formerly little sis. Once again, per your request while you are out in Corbeil, I am continuing to write about the events involving our visit to George Stibbs’ house and also the events which led up to you being taken to Corbeil.

After you had made your appearance and entrance into the discussion about buying the Stibbs’ house and moving the families about, as you may have noticed (but possibly not, since your focus was clearly not oriented on anyone except you), mom left our little group muttering something about how her entire family had turned against her and she was going to call someone in Corbeil to fix the problem. Then as it always is when two or more Pattersons are gathered together, coffee cups must be filled and served. Dad even broke out the nicer coffee cups that have visible handles on them, but only three of them. I think this was either because dad considers coffee to be an adult drink, and at 16 years old, you are not an adult in his eyes; or it was because dad was afraid of giving you a hot beverage in your mental state at that time. There is also the possibility that dad can’t count properly, but that seems unlikely.

In any case, as dad was serving up the hot java, I clearly remember you saying, “If you sell this house to Mike and Deanna---where would I go?!” I remember the hand gesture you used and the sudden shift of your body to your right. I hope this doesn’t sound too creepy, little sis, but I also remember how your left breast was suddenly quite a bit bigger than your right, and I remember thinking to myself either, “Maybe this is the reason why April is leaning so much.” or “Whoa! Mike! Stop looking at your formerly little sis’ breasts.” I am not sure which one I thought.

Dad didn’t seem to notice your sudden anatomical change, as he was absorbed in coffee-pouring and he answered your question in an indirect way, which is to say he said, “The Stibbs’ house has 2 bedrooms, April.” Of course dad did not say, “And one of those bedrooms would be yours” which I really hoped he would say, so it would make me feel better about some of the ways dad looks at you.

You however, were not done with your physical changes. I remember looking at you, while you said, “But I like it here! I’m not ready to move!!!” Then you seemed to change bodies with one of those sports football guys. This change caught dad’s eye, and I noticed him looking over his shoulder lasciviously at you. I think it was this look which prompted me to say, “Then, you can stay here with us!

No matter my motivation for extending the invitation, my lovely Deanna jumped on the idea. You may not have noticed it, but Dee grabbed ahold of your left shoulder and looked straight into your eye and said, “We’d LOVE IT if you stayed with us!---Why don’t you stay with us?!!

Later, I asked Deanna why she was so enthusiastic about you staying with us. I know you suspected it was because Deanna wanted you to “be a live-in baby sitter!!!” for us, but the truth of the matter is a little more complicated than that. Back when we lived in Lovey Saltzman’s apartments, if Deanna needed a female voice to talk to, there was always Carleen Stein. Now we have been living in mom’s house for almost 4 months now, the one person Deanna feels comfortable talking is you. The Lizardbreath and my mom never play with the kids, but you do. Liz and my mom never ask Deanna how her day was, but you do. As I looked at you with your bulbous lips looking at my Deanna with her bulbous lips, the thought occurred to me, “I think Deanna has made a new friend.” I think my original reaction might have been more like, “Cheeze. My sister and my wife look more alike every day”, but I threw that idea out because when I thought it, I felt myself looking quite a bit like the Lizardbreath and I certainly did not want to have that transformation take place.

More tomorrow perhaps, formerly little sis. I hope your readers can stand the tension.

Michael Patterson
Then, l8r, Jeremy wrote this v. interesting post:
april, i'm kinda writin' this more az a record of wut happed than az a post 2u, so peeps will know wut's goin' on. it all started aftah i went out on my group date w/my v-girl vanessa & the v-girls. we didn't go 2c grindhouse like my v-girl vanessa wunted, & vanessa wuz in a bad mood the whole night. she told me i hadda take her 2c grindhouse by ourselves 2 make up 4 it. wen i sed, "duz this make us like bf/gf?", she kinda growled @me & sed sumthin' 'bout havin' me az a bf wud b like b-ing a live-in baby-sitter, so i guess it didn't.

neway i wuz @my house aftah droppin' off vanessa & i wuz in a kinda bad mood. i wuz brushin' my teeth & then this girl who looked like u b4 u turned 16 showed up in my mirror. i looked b-hind me & u weren't there, so i figgered i wuz gettin' a visit frum ur opposite in the mirror world, lirpA. i sed, "what do u want?" cuz i wuz still in a bad mood. she held up a sign written backwards 2 me which sed, "Watch video." then she held up her cell 2 the mirror & played a bunch of viddies she shot off her cell.

the 1st viddie looked like it wuz taken frum sum1's office mirror. it showed u w/dr. artemis & sum lady who looked a lot like ur mom xxcept w/shorter hair & a lot smaller nose. u were talkin' 'bout stuff & the lady gave u a drink, which u drank & sed sumthin' 'bout how the drink tasted rilly good. & the lady sed sumthin' 'bout how pattersons luv that drink. then u got this rilly big-eyed look on ur face. then the lady sed 2 dr. artemis, "she's reddy."

the 2nd video looked like it wuz taken frum a hand-held mirror & it wobbled a bit. but in the video, sum1 wuz givin' u instructions on the proper application of makeup, clothes & hair 2 enhance ur patterson allure. this video wuz rilly hard 4 me 2 look @, cuz every couple of seconds, i wuz proposin' marriage 2u. evn thru the proposin' i cud c, ur were startin' 2 look more & more like ur sis. ur lips were gettin' bigger & u were wearin' clothes like an old frumpy bag lady & 4 sum reasn i thot they looked rilly sexy.

the 3rd video looked like it wuz taken frum a giant mirror in a dance studio or sumthin'. u were wearin' like a pink karate outfit & there wuz a dummy mocked up 2 look like me. the instructor wuz teachin' u sum kinda weird self-defence where u wud knock down the dummy & then tweak his ear or give him a noogie & yell, "turn 2 good! jeremy! or else!" u looked like u were rilly gettin' n2 & a couple times wen u kicked the dummy between the legs, the instructor sed, "no, april. not there. u might need that sum day." it wuz freakin' me out.

the 4th video wuz u in a class room, & it looked like the viddie wuz frum reflection off sum kinda teachin' demonstration thing. the instructor wuz sayin, "if the pun iz not particularly funny, try 2 make ur eyebrows jump off ur head & make a rilly funny face & ur earrings leap off ur ears." u seemed 2b doin' a good job w/that part & u actually whacked the instructor in the head w/ur eyebrows once.

the 5th video wuz u back in the same class room, & the instructor wuz sayin' 2u, "how many puns can u make w/the word 'pastry'". then u were sayin' "'pastry' sounds kinda like 'pasty', so i cud pun on sum1's pasty skin aftah eatin' nothin' but pastries, like 'i think mom has had 2 many muffins, cuz she looks kinda pastry.'" the instructor sed, "excellent april. u cud b the finest punner the pattersons have had yet. i have seen this kinda natural talent since ur dad." then u kinda blushed & sed, "i hope i can b az good az dad."

that wuz the last viddie & then lirpA lifted anothah sign which sed, "Rescue her." i found a piece of paper & wrote backwards 4 her 2 read, "No way." then lirpA wrote anothah sign which sed, "The Jeremy I know will rescue April." i h8 it wen peeps r rite. i kinda nodded yes & lirpA seemed pretty happ 'bout that. 'course she wuz givin' a big hug 2 my reflection in the mirror & he seemed 2b happier than i wuz,evn tho he looked just like wut i wuz doin'.

so i told my mom 'bout the xxperience w/my mirror & asked her if she wud drive me 2 corbeil 2 rescue april. mom sed, "y wud i do that? u needta b turned frum bad 2 good & they r gonna train her how2 do it." so then i figgered i wud need help w/sum1 i cud trust 2 help me in this kinda sitch. i got on my bike & rode ovah 2 rebecca's place.

i got there & knocked on the door of rebecca's bungalow & rebecca sed, "wut r doin' here? if u wunt leftovahs frum howie's dinner, there aren't any." it musta been a good dinner cuz rebeccah had powdered sugar on her face & she's usually not that messy 'round food unless it's good or unless she's doin' sumthin' i don't wanna think 'bout. neway, i told her the story & asked 4 her help. she sed, "there's no way we're goin' up 2 corbeil 2 mess w/that witch up there. the last tyme howie went there he came back a dog. i'm not gonna get married 2 a dog. 'sides, howie & i r goin' put an offer on a house 2morrow. go away." then howeird showed up wearing nothin' but a chef's outfit & he sed, "i dunno if we shud get the house across frum the stibbs' place, becky. i just read this thing mike wrote on april's real blog & it looks like april may decide 2 stay in her same house." rebecca started cursin' a lot & then she told howeird wut i wuz there 4. howeird looked rilly nervous & talked 'bout the same dog incident, but rebecca wuz suddenly innerested in goin' 2 corbeil 2 ask u which house u picked 2 live in. i guess it's important 2 her 2 live nexta u 4 sum reasn. howeird sed he cud just w8 till u got back.

i sed, "ok. if u don't wanna help me, i needta find sum1 who will help." so, howeird looked kinda guilty & sed, "ok. if we go 2 corbeil, we needta have sum1 w/us 2 protect us frum b-ing destroyed. sum1 the witch likes." rebecca sed, "there's no1 the witch likes better'n mike patterson." i sed, "how do u know that?" rebecca sed, "i've read parts of his book." i hadda agree she hadda point.

so we got in howeird's car & he drove us ovah 2 ur 'rents place (the sharon park drive one). i stayed out in the car & howeird & rebecca went 2 the door & went in. wen they came back out, they had michael patterson w/them. he got in the car & sed 2 me, "jeremy. u r in 4 a treat. it's a good thing i'm not workin' @portrait magazine nemore or i wudn't have the tyme 2 do this." i started 2 wondah wut he wuz talkin' bout, wen he pulled out a laptop & started sayin' out loud 2 me. "stoned season. dedication: 2 the strong women in my life w/o whom this book wud nevah have been written, especially my beloved mother elly & the woman i married. chapter one. soldiers look so good in their tight little uniforms." i think i heard a silent scream in my head. it wuz the beginnin' of several hours of torture where i wud look @my watch & think, "it can't have been only 1 minute since the last tyme i looked @u."

we were several hours on the road & ur bro needed needed 2 take a little voice nap & that gave me the opportunity 2 write this. we r on our way 2 rescue u, assumin' i can survive listenin' 2 the rest of ur bro's book. this bettah be worth it.
OMG! And Howard added:

Jeremy Jones is writing a record of the events on our trip, so I thought I would add a few words in, while I can. We stopped for lunch, and Michael Patterson went into the washroom and he has been primping in the mirror for awhile now, so I figure it may take him awhile to stop looking at himself.

How did this happen? Last night, Jeremy came by Becky's bungalow and told us this strange story about the mirror girl lirpA. I never met her. As you may recollect the action which sent her back to the mirror world from our world was the same one who brought me back to life as a dog. Becky said she was a real slut, the exact opposite of the way you are, so I can only imagine why she would feel the need to have you rescued.

I never wanted to go to Corbeil again, after the last time, but Becky appealed to my better nature. We decided to get your brother, because we figured that if he managed to get the first publisher he sent his book to agree to publish it, then the witch must really like him. The only problem was convincing Michael to come with us.

Becky and I went to your house. She said she had a plan. So we knocked on your door & your sister Elizabeth answered the door. She took a look at me and said, "Aren't you supposed to be in prison?" I said, "I got acquitted and my sentence was reduced to time served." Then she looked at Becky and yelled out loud, "Mom, did Merrie turn 16?" Your mother yelled back, "No." But when she came in the room and saw Becky she grabbed her and started pulling her away from me, saying, "You aren't going to pull the shirt of another girl in our family, you rat!" Becky said, "I'm Becky McGuire. Let go of me, Jelly Fatterson." Your mother looked startled for moment, but said, "It figures an only child like you would end up with Howard Bunt. Why are you here?"

Becky said, "We want to talk to Michael." Your mother said, "He's in a conference with John and Deanna. It seems like all they do these days is talk about their plans without me, like I don't exist." Elizabeth said, "Or me either." The dogs were in the room and they barked something, which sounded to my ear like, "Or us either", but I could have been imagining things.

In any case, they got Michael and he came along with Deanna and your dad. Deanna had powdered sugar around her mouth for some reason, which I don't want to think about. Becky said, "April has failed to convert Jeremy Jones to goodness, but we have Jeremy out in the car to take him to Corbeil to be converted to good. In order for the transformation to be complete, we need to expose Jeremy to something so wonderful and so fantastic, he cannot help being changed." Michael said, "My novel! I can read him my novel! You don't mind if I go, do you mom?" Your mother said, "Of course not. Jeremy must be converted, and April is too lazy to do it." And it was as easy as that.

After Mike went to get his laptop, I said to Becky, "That was great. I am so lucky I have such a smart fiancee." Becky said, "You don't have to be smart to outwit a Patterson. I just hope we can stand to listen to Mike's novel all the way to Corbeil." I said, "I have earplugs in my car." Becky said, "We'll only put them in if we have to." I think we were about a kilometre from your parents' house when they went in.

Mike has finally finished in the washroom. He looks just like your sister Elizabeth with short hair. It's scary how he does that. Time to go.

Howard Bunt
Yeah, it's way spooky when Mike loox like Liz. So, yeah, more deets 2morrow after my brain gets a chance 2 process what happed a bit better. Big congrats 2 Howard on the acquittal and 2 him an' Becks 4 their plans 2 get her emancip8ed an' get a house in my nabe. That'd B sooper-cube!

During their road trip Mike sed:

Formerly little sis. Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize that your work can have a purpose aside from becoming the great Canadian novel, jumping to the top of the bestseller list, and winning all kinds of writing awards. Sometimes, your work can actually change someone’s life. That moment was granted to me, when we received a strange request from the evil Howard Bunt, the slatternly Becky McGuire, and the bullying and rapidly-aging Jeremy Jones; for me to read my novel Stone Season to them.

Becky and Howard tried to make it seem like I would be reading the book just to convert Jeremy to good, which I know is your job, but if I accomplish it, then I will be happy for you to take credit. The only requirement was that I had to ride with them on a car trip to Corbeil, one of my favourite places to go. The scenery is so beautiful up there. After you are living with me and Deanna, if we take any family vacations, I am sure Corbeil will be high on our list of places to visit and you are welcome to stay with us on that trip. You’ve been in Corbeil for at least a day or two now, and I am sure you are falling in love with the place, just as I did years ago, when I was uncertain about whether or not I wanted to become a writer. They have the most marvelous drink they serve there. Just drinking it seems to take all the troubles of the world away. It is quite a learning experience too, as I am sure you are finding out. I learned I wanted to be a writer, and I gave up any idea that I might want to be a photographer. Certainly my success in my writing career has been the proof I made the “write” decision.

As I read my novel to Jeremy, I can see the change coming over him. Each time I say, “Does that passage make you feel like you are turning to good, or do I need to read it again?” Jeremy always says he is turning to good. I can tell it having an effect on Becky and Howard too. They think I can’t see those ear plugs, but little do they suspect it just makes me speak louder, and I can tell from their reactions they can hear me, even though their ears are plugged. With any luck, by the time we get to Corbeil, 3 of the biggest villains in our family history will have a complete change in personality. If only Kortney Krelbutz could have been with us. Oh, well. I hope to see you soon in Corbeil.

Michael Patterson
And then, a desperate Jeremy was all "april, if we don't get 2 corbeil, soon, i think i am gonna kill myself."

Becks chimed in with
well, we're still on r trip 2 corbeil. i'm sure howie or jer will come by soon 2 tell the deets. i m here 2 ask advice abt the whole "home buying" sitch. on 1 hand, i found a house across the street frum the stibbs house, 4 $50,000 plus a full set of bobby curtola records. but then i got a phone call frum my realtor while we have been on r trip. the peeps who live across frum the patterson house on sharon park drive r looking 2 sell. they r willing 2 go as low as $75,000, but no bobby curtola records need 2 b involved. they r in sum kind of hurry. the realtor sed sumthing abt how the owners have seen a bunch of slutty, big-lipped women an' giant chickens over @ the patterson house l8ly. also sum hyperactive midgets an' peeps w/ mutated noses an' chins. they r moving away bcuz they r afraid it mite b caused by sum sort of radioactive contamination in the nabe or sumthing. she also sed the neighbors r v. upset about all the peeps an' cars an' junk they've seen in the yard over there, "it's like the clampetts or sumthing" they sed. neway, howie an' i r mulling over r options. apes, u should try 2 let us know where u r gonna live. it could help us.

btw, these ear plugs work gr8.

And then a bit l8r, they got here, Becks threw me her fone, and I wrote U all this stuff I just wrote:


Labels: , , , , , , , ,


  • At 5:10 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Finally we are at Corbeil. Poor Jeremy Jones. At least Becky and I had earplugs to blunt the effect of your brother’s droning voice as he read the story of Sheilagh Shaugnessy. I actually didn’t expect the 55-year-old Sheilagh to have gone to Woodstock, before settling into her second marriage; but it was clear from your brother’s description that every woman has to have a moment of adventure before she settles into happy married life.

    Mike was about to start into reading excerpts from his second novel, when we fortunately arrived. He protested, “But I'm writing chapter twelve where my protagonist, Phrederick Phelps, the cook on the windjammer must navigate the Northwest Passage to reach Baffin Island on his way to Tahiti, and I might need some feedback.”

    Becky said, “On the trip back” as she pulled out what appeared to be 3 sets of earplugs out of her ears. I said, “So that’s where those other sets went.” Becky said, “Self-preservation instinct. Sorry, Howie.”

    I said to Becky and Jeremy, “OK. We find where April is and get her out without anyone noticing. Be sure not to try to attract any attention.” Of course, as I said this, your brother had walked to the front door and had rung the doorbell. The ladies inside were quite surprised to see him. Becky said to me, “Howie. Those are the women who were with Dr. McCaulay in the hot tub.” One of them said, “Michael, aren’t you supposed to be finalizing the purchase of your house?” He said, “Oh dad and Deanna can handle that. They have this little ritual they do with powdered sugar, I would rather not think about.” The lady said, “Of course.” Then Michael pointed at us and said, “I brought Howard Bunt, Becky McGuire and Jeremy Jones with me. I think I have converted them to good by reading them my whole novel.”

    By this time we were headed around the back of the building. One lady said, “Howard Bunt. But he’s in prison for 2 years less a day.” Michael said, “He said he won his appeal on the grounds of improper legal procedures.” The lady said, “I knew we should have properly researched that.” Another lady said, “If we can’t get her to research strokes with an audience of old people, then there is no way she will research legal procedure.” Another woman said, “All we had to do was call a lawyer and ask a few questions. It wouldn’t have been that hard.” Still another woman said, “We are not paid to think. We are paid to do. Right now we need to make sure those 3 don’t get to April. Get Nancy. She’ll know what to do.”

    We were racing around the building and Becky said to Jeremy, “Show us the places you saw on that mirror video.” Then she looked at Jeremy and he looked like he was about to roll on the ground and lose his cookies. Considering he had listened to Mike’s novel undiluted by earplugs, I suppose he was doing pretty well. Jeremy said, “That building over there looks familiar.”

    We ran to the building and rushed inside. There we found you, sitting in a chair, listening to old Bobby Curtola records and snapping your fingers. You turned to see us and said, “Now this is some happening music. It’s all good.” Becky said, “Oh no! It’s too late!” I said, “It’s not too late.” I found the record player and took the needle off to stop the music. Becky said, “What’s that?” I said, “It’s a turntable, where you play records.” April said, “Bobby Curtola is the best.” Becky said, “A what?” Jeremy Jones managed to stumble in the place at this point.

    Becky said, “We here to rescue you, April. Come with us.” You looked confused, “Rescue me? From what?” Becky said, “This thing you’ve become. You look like a human yucca plant with that hair style. Your eyes, lips and nose take up 90% of the space on your head.” You said, “Becky. Becky. You’ve been at the top so long, you’ve lost touch with the styles of the teens today. This hairstyle is so rad and so groovy. It’s what’s happening, man.” Then you spotted Jeremy Jones and leaped on him twisting his ear, and said, “Convert to good, Jeremy. Convert to good.” Jeremy screamed in pain, and Becky and I pulled you off of him. Then you said, “Howard Bunt and Becky McGuire. You have pulled my shirt. I see long years of prison ahead of you.” Becky said, “Poor April. She’s too far gone.” I said, “There must be something.” Becky said, “Wait! I know! Jeremy! Kiss her!” You said, “Only if he’s converted to good.” And then you gave Jeremy this withering look, and he dropped to his knees and proposed marriage to you, while at the same time wetting himself, and saying, “If you say yes, I will be flying.”

    Then Becky said, “Howie. Give her a BVK.” I said, “What?” Becky said, “You know.” And I remembered BVK stood for “Bilabial Vibration Kiss, a kiss so powerful it usually causes a loss of muscle control.” I knew Becky was desperate if she wanted me to do that. She usually wants me to keep those just for her. So, I swept you up in my arms and let the years of training go to work. When I put you down, you were still quivering.

    Then we heard something behind us and saw the witch of Corbeil in the doorway, and that’s when I passed out.

    I woke up pretty disoriented, but lying on a nice chesterfield in a sunny room. I couldn’t see Becky or Jeremy or April, but I did recognize the witch. She sat in a chair beside me. She said, “Howard Bunt. You have managed to undo quite a bit of my good work with April with that kiss of yours. If I had more time, I would come up with an exquisite method of paying you back. But there is so much to do. I have to get Elizabeth through her relationship with Warren and then back to Anthony and then married. I have to get the Pattersons to switch houses. I have to find ways to involve all these characters who haven’t been seen in years. I have to get Michael Patterson out of here before he realizes my website developer Stephanie is not actually Josef Weeder, and they go through all the powdered sugar by doing things I would rather not think about. I just don’t have the time to deal with you.” I said, “Good.”

    Then she said, “I don’t think you understand. I had so many plans. April was supposed to be disillusioned with Gerald due to his treatment of her and the special needs kids; and Gerald disillusioned with her because she didn’t take the band as seriously as he did. She was supposed to have a brief relationship with Jeremy Jones, which would cause her to realize Gerald was the only one for her. Gerald was supposed to have a brief relationship with Becky McGuire, where he would come to the same conclusion. It was going to be a beautifully written teenage romance drama. But now, I have to get everything done in 5 months, and it was necessary to get April up here and move things along. And then you come up here to try and mess it all up.” I said, “I am glad I thwarted you.” She said, “Mr. Bunt. One kiss does not undo everything; but I don’t have the time to give you the punishment you deserve. I will let you go without any punishment, if you do one thing for me.” I said, “What is it?”

    She said, “When you have a husband named ‘Rod’ you have certain womanly expectations. Sadly, my husband should have been named ‘Pencil’. Do you think you could find a way to meet my womanly expectations? I have some powdered sugar, if that will help you decide.”

    I am writing this before we go back on the road again. I can’t wait to be back at Becky’s place in a shower where I can wash off this powdered sugar. Becky is so angry with me she can barely speak without hissing. You may only remember Becky throwing you a phone, but let me tell you, you owe me big, April Patterson.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, all becky wd tell me was "i can't talk abt it, i can't talk abt it, apes!" i m soooo sorry!!!!


  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u smell rilly good. i like sitting nexta u. rebecca didn’t wanna sit next 2 howeird 4 sum reasn, & she has been talkin’ ‘bout sum tests howeird is gonna hafta have. i think it’s cuz he haz a lotta powdered sugar on him. i know u didn’t mean it when u twisted my ear, but it rilly hurts.

    wut happed wuz we gotta corbeil & i wuz feelin’ rilly awful. i think it wuz sum kinda carsickness. i hadda lissen 2 ur bro’s whole novel & he duz all these funny voices 2 stand 4 the characters. i think i prolly wud’ve like the novel bettah, if he hadn’t read it. he’s a v.v. bad actor.

    neway, howeird & rebeccah ran ‘round the building we stopped @& i saw the place i saw on the viddie & i pointed it out 2 them. then i spent the next little bit losing my lunch in the bushes. i felt a little bettah after that & i went 2c wut wuz goin’ on in the building.

    u were there, lookin’ hott & i had this feeling like u were the only 1 for me & i proposed 2u again & sum things happed in my pants i wud rather not talk ‘bout. then u jumped on me & i think i passed out frum the pain of the ear-twistin’.

    wen i woke there wuz a woman named liuba there & she wuz puttin’ sum stuff on my ear 2 make it feel bettah. she sed it was an ointment frum the old country. it seemed 2 work. she gave me sum water & sum healthy snacks, which didn’t taste so good, but she sez the good-tastin’ snacks don’t last v. long in a place w/all women. she sed i shud sit & w8 & we wud b headed back 2 mboro in no tyme. she seemed v. nice, so i dunno wut the othahs were so afraid of.

    i looked ‘round & saw ur bro flirtin’ w/this girl wearin’ all black, & there wuz sum1 named laura who wuz takin’ pictures of rebecca for a model sheet. rebecca seemed 2b flattered by the attention, but i think she missed the folder where the pics were gonna go marked, “oldah merrie.”

    then i heard this horrible sound comin’ outa a back room. it sounded like the cross between a bullmoose & thunderstorm & it sed, “yes” a whole lotta tymes in a row & lightning started flashin’ in the sky. then a few minutes aftah that, howeird came outa the back room & sed, “it’s tyme 2 leave.” rebecca sed, “wut happed?” & howeird sed, “u don’t wanna think ‘bout it.” well rebecca wudn’t take that & they had sum words & then rebeccah slapped howeird rilly hard like 3 or 4 tymes & started cryin’.

    then ur bro showed up & sed sumthin’ ‘bout how it wuz tyme 2 go & u were with him along w/the girl who wuz wearin’ all black, who had powdered sugar all ovah her face 4 sum reasn i don’t wanna think ‘bout.

    so we got in the car & left. u’ve been pretty chatty since we got in the car, so i don’t think u remembah nethin’. u’ll b in 4 a big surprise wen u finally read ur blog.

  • At 5:48 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It’s been a pretty good day today. I love Corbeil. The people there are so friendly. There was a nice girl there named Stephanie, that if I wasn’t already happily married, might have given my lovely Deanna a run for her money. If she only had her hair longer and in a ponytail, I might have been tempted. But as it turns out, her hair was short. I think you may know her, since she is the same website developer who does mom’s site.

    We had a nice talk about all the things you learned while you were in Corbeil, and I think when you get back to Milborough, you will find life is a lot easier for you. There are some things I try to teach you, since I am your brother, but you resist my teaching for the same reason because we are related. It is so good to have those ideas reinforced by the fine women of Corbeil.

    The ladies were extremely proud of my first novel, as I knew they would be, and they said my second novel is bound to be just as good, if not better. It’s good to get that kind of support. By the way, in case you missed it, Dr. Artemis, said she might be back from time-to-time to check to make sure you were progressing nicely with all the things you learned while you were there.

    I can tell you, formerly little sis, seeing you now, I can’t imagine you moving out of the Sharon Park Drive house. It’s a pleasure to see all your Pattersonianisms coming to fruition and I think you would be an excellent model for my children not only as a baby-sitter, but as a favourite auntie. I hope you agree to stay with Deanna and me, when we buy the house from mom and dad and I mean that from my heart, and not just because Deanna really wants someone to talk to.

    I hope we stop for supper soon. All they had in Corbeil was healthy snacks.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, i'm really tired. i'm having trub thinking str8, or remembering the past coupla days. i think i mite b falling aslllllllllllllll

  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ur sleepin’ so u prolly won’t read this till ur awake. we got back 2 mboro, cuz howeird drives like a maniac. we stopped @ur place 1st & i carried u in while mike carried his laptop. ur mom sed, “mike! ur back! did it work? did u convert jeremy jones 2 goodness?” ur bro sed, “mom, if jeremy jones iz not good now, it simply cannot b done. look, he’s even carryin’ april back n2 the house w/o my askin’ him 2.” ur mom sed wut u wud xxpect in those kinda sitches, which wuz, “april wuz gone? oh, of course she wuz gone.” i wuz gonna lay u down on ur bed in the rec room, but i hadda w8 till ur dad moved his trains off the area. he wuz not happ w/me. i sed, “wut were u thinkin’? april needs a place 2 sleep.” he sed, “i just assumed april already moved 2 george stibbs’ house.” i think if u do decide 2 move to george stibbs’ place ur gonna hafta put a lock on ur door 2 keep the trains out.

    neway, aftah we dropped u off, howeird dropped me @home. my mom sed, “ru converted 2 good, yet?” i sed, “michael patterson sed if i wuzn’t, it cudn’t b done.” my mom sed, “good. ur gf vanessa called & she wunted 2 know y u didn’t take her 2c grindhouse this afternoon.

    so i called up vanessa & she wuz, i dunno how u wanna call it, both happy & mad @the same tyme. i told her the whole story & she got v.v. xxcited cuz she sed that story made me easily the most victimificant of all the v-boys. i told her i wud pick up 2 take her 2 kool haus, so she cud tell all the othah v-girls who i gave tix 2, so i knew they wud b there. vanessa wuz pretty happ & she dropped the ‘l’-bomb on me. she sed, “i luv u jeremy jones.” but then she backed up & sed, “i mean i luv the way ur alwayz findin’ a new & diff way 2b victimificant. ur a rilly good v-boy.”

    I wuz trying 2 give myself a wash b4 i went out again, & i looked in the same mirror that got me in all this trub in the first place. i saw myself az usual, & then i saw behind me sum1 who looked like u & she hadda a haircut kinda like urs, instead like it wuz back b4 u turned 16. it wuz lirpA again. i sed, “wut do u wunt this tyme, lirpA?” she raised a sign which sed, “thanx 4 rescuin’ me.“ written backwards az usual so i cud read it. she seemed v. v. happ & i noticed she seemed 2 have a little powdered sugar around her mouth. 4 sum reasn, i felt kinda jealous. weird.

  • At 7:43 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Back in Milborough and I am beat. Becky doesn’t seem to be as mad at me as she was before and she insisted I take a very thorough bath to get clean. Normally I am the one to give Becky baths, but this time she was the one doing the bathing and she seemed to be inspecting me carefully to make sure there was no witch detritus on my body.

    When you wake up, if you could tell us which house you picked to live in, that would be helpful. I have tried telling Becky that since George Stibbs’ house and your house were within walking distance of each other, it didn’t make any difference which house we picked. Becky says that after what happened in Corbeil, I owe her; which is one way of saying my opinion in home ownership counts to her about as much as yours does to your dad, brother and sister-in-law. I am sure things will improve with time, and Becky realizes the situation I was in, but right now I feel awful about the whole thing.

    In any case, I am glad you are home safely.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    corbeil sounds even scarier than i imagined, & i didn't think that was possible. howard, i'm so glad u rescued apes, but i think i'll have 2 go wash my brain now.

    Becky, i saw ur post about y the peeps in April's hood r all moving out. i originally thought every1 was moving cuz they'd heard about mr. & mrs. patterson (either set) buying the stibbs house, & thought they should get out b4 they were surrounded by pattersons. but i can c how seeing those chicken-people would scare them off 2.


  • At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi April,
    I am a writer at national magazine doing a story on kids who have blogs. I'm wondering if you would mind talking to me for a couple of minutes. I saw your anecdote about your father and his toupee, and I'm looking for comical comments like that.

    Thanks for your help,


Post a Comment

<< Home