April's Real Blog

Friday, April 20, 2007

TMDI and changing the subject

And now 4 sumthing entirely different.

Recently, Lizzie was sitting on the front stairs rite outside the house while Mike was raking leaves (hoping Dad wd compliment him). Liz tells me she was sending a txt 2 Warren, all "hi warren! got an apt nthg spcl, 1 rm, bsmt old hse, bt cls to wrk. cnt wt to be on my own agn. my flks plc is crzy. hw r u? whn wl u b bk n twn? hp u r...." Then she let out a gr8 big "OW" as one of her thumbs started having shooting pain. Mike, losing his eyes 4 just a moment, asked the general direction where he'd heard Liz's voice, "Got a case of T.M.D.I.?" And Liz was all, "Yeah. Serious." Then she thot, "Text message digital injury" is going 2 B the next big health issue!"

Nah, mayB next little health issue. I've already seen sum lil news features abt "txt thumb," but it's not b-ing treated as a big thing." BTW, if U use "2" 4 "to" and "B" 4 "be," U can save yr thumb sum ouch-strokes.

Jeremy, I just got another e-mail from Steph. She tells me that 2day shd B the last day I'm having after-effects from the Corbeil Kool-Aid, as the antidote does its work. But she warns me that the after-effects will B sumwhat diff 2day, as they dwindle. Insteada leaping on U and tweaking yr ear, urging U 2 change 2 good, I'm gonna have an irresistable urge 2 caress one of yr earlobes, quite gently, and say, "Now there's a good Jeremy. Good, good Jeremy." Steph was all, "This won't hurt him like the tweaking and wrassling, but w/yr Patterson allure @ its current levels, it cd cause him sum slite embarrassment, as he mite find himself, well--aroused. He might want to take precautions, such as wearing baggy pants and carrying large notebooks to conceal himself." NEway, that's what Steph sez.

Apes

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8 Comments:

  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I see your Blog entry today is about the Lizardbreath and her T.M.D.I. Of course your story includes reading the Lizardbreath’s thought balloon about how she fancies herself an expert in the medical field, like dad or Deanna. Of course, I am also not an expert in the medical field, so when I saw the Lizardbreath vigorously punching on her phone to Warren Blackwood, the guy who promised last month he would come and visit her next week, I presumed she had a T.M.D.I. (The Missed Date Injury). I suppose sending messages on her phone is safer than sending an e-mail on her computer, since it means less fights with her cat to actually complete her e-mails. However, just between you and me, I have a feeling Anthony Caine is about to make an appearance in our Lizardbreath’s life.

    I am surprised you didn’t make a comment about Liz’s choice of apartments. After talking forever in her April monthly letter about how she didn’t want an apartment that's bottom-of-the-barrel, and how she wanted to deal with a property-management company, and in particular talking about how people who rent a basement apartment out expect to be able to act as surrogate parents to the occupant; I would have found her choice of a 1-room basement apartment in an old house a little odd, almost as if the person who wrote her April monthly letter had no relationship whatsoever to the person you described in your Blog entry. However, anyone who knows our family, knows we can’t have an apartment without having someone act as a surrogate parent. Not to worry formerly little sis, if you decided to live with Deanna and me, rest assured we will not be acting as your surrogate parent. You will be far more like a parent in our household than a child, particularly to my children.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i’m not sure y ur not worried ‘bout how this steph knows all ‘bout the after-effects frum the corbeil kool-aid antidote on ur bod. i thot she wuz a web designer & not a doc. it soundz a little suspicious 2 me. i dunno if thoze peeps in corbeil have ur best interests in mind.

    neway, thanx 4 the warnin’ ‘bout the baggy pants & large notebooks. i rilly needed them. wen u were caressing 1 of my earlobes @lunch time & sayin’, "now there's a good jeremy. good, good jeremy"; josh the geek god walked by & sed, “if u were a ferengi, u wud hafta marry her 2 protect her reputation.”

    i gotta ask u tho, ‘bout comin’ 2 the kool haus w/me 2nite. did u rilly wanna do that or wuz it rilly cuz of wut happed w/gerald? u know cuz wen he saw u stroking my earlobe, & aftah u told him u were convertin’ me 2 good & he sed, “hey! i needta b converted 2 good 2. i call special needs peeps retarded just like jeremy duz & i tell all the guys ‘bout wen u & me r drinkin’ wine & doin’ secret thingz 2gethah. u shud b tryin’ 2 convert me.”

    then duncan came up & sed, “do u want me 2 beat up jeremy? i’ve beat up jeremy b4, w/my posse.” then eva came up & sed, “duncan. leave april alone. she’s been ridin’ jeremy & his ears like a cowgirl doin’ barrel racin’ all week. sumtymez a cowgirl hazta b nice 2 her steed, if she wunts 2 keep on ridin’.” duncan & gerald both sed, “wut ru talkin’ ‘bout?”

    then u sed, “gerald, thanx 4 remindin’ me of all the reasons u needta b converted 2 good 2. jeremy’s takin’ me out 2nite & if he duzn’t tell all the guyz wut happs aftahwards, then i will know he’z been converted.” & i sed, “eh?” then u sed, “2 kool haus 2nite, rite?” & i sed, “the concerts r sat & sunday this weekend, not 2nite.” then u were kinda not so nice 2 my earlobe & i sed, “ow!” eva sed, “wut’s wrong?” & u sed, “jeremy’s just gotta case of t.m.d.i.” eva sed, “i unnerstand thass gonna b the next big health issue.” i sed, “t.m.d.i.?” & u whispered in my ear, “too much discussing it.” & i sed, “oh.” then u sed, “pick me up 2nite, jeremy.” i sed, “ok.”, but gerald wuz followin’ u ‘bout 2 let u know he wuz not happy w/it.

    neway, i know u just sed u wunted 2 go out prolly cuz ur tryin’ 2 teach gerald a lesson ‘bout the way he acts 2ward u. so if u were just kiddin’ lemme know.

     
  • At 1:58 PM, Anonymous rex said…

    Miss April Patterson,

    Your sister Elizabeth sent your name to us as a person who might be interested in our training course Rex Kwan Do’s Net-speak for Dummies. As a person who regularly uses her cell phone to send messages, many of our customers have gone from being complete ignoramuses about proper Net-speak to the coveted “dummy” status.

    Your sister is a satisfied customer, and thanks to our course, she regularly uses Net-speak (we call it Rex-speak) to communicate even the most important messages to people who just can’t be bothered to read their e-mails or answer telephone messages or visit when they say they are going to visit. Those people can be a frustration to everyone, but our course provides the solution to these difficult people.

    We will show you how to take even the most complicated messages and transform them into smaller words of wisdom. We have sections in our course on important aspects of Rex-speak, like:

    Knowing when to remove vowels and when to leave them in or
    When is one letter to stand for a word still too much? or
    Why long messages are better than short ones or
    How to avoid using acronyms, whatever they are

    After taking Rex Kwan Do’s Net-speak for Dummies, you will learn why people say the only Net-speak is Rex-speak TM. It is only $300 for an 8-week program at the Rex Kwan Do dojo. That’s a small price to pay for such valuable knowledge.

    If you are tired of sitting in ignorance, while others send messages all around you, become a "dummy" with us, like your sister did. We hope to see you there soon,

    Rex
    Rex Kwan Do master
    Net-speak dummy

     
  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I have some interesting news for you. I was working here at Portrait Magazine as the co-senior editor with Morrie Saltzman, who was actually in to work to day (you may remember he only works, when he can escape from his wife, Lovey). I was trying to read what you wrote your sister said:

    hi warren! got an apt nthg spcl, 1 rm, bsmt old hse, bt cls to wrk. cnt wt to be on my own agn. my flks plc is crzy. hw r u? whn wl u b bk n twn? hp u r....ow!

    I was having some difficulty, when Morrie said, “Oy, I found this software program called Martian teenager angst-to-English translator. I think it might help.” I said, “It’s dated from November, 2005. It may not be current.” Morrie said, “It worked great on some of things my granddaughter in Seattle sent me. It was the first time I understood what she was saying, although I didn’t realize she disliked her mother, my daughter Cynthia, so much for moving from Canada to Seattle.” I said, “Let’s try it on this stuff from Elizabeth Patterson.”

    The result was not what I would have expected. The translated text is:

    Warren, darling. I have been moved to a basement in an house across town, but they still let me go to work. I am afraid I am going to live in a basement forever, thanks to my crazy parents. When are you coming back to rescue me? Ow!

    I thought you might be interested in seeing that translation, in case what your sister wrote was a mystery to you.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 5:51 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Hey, that is not what I meant, I don't know who you think you are you sick t-shirt going-afterer pervert but you have no business reading my message to Warren, all I said was a private message to let my not-boyfriend know that we could have privacy, I am afraid the no privacy having thing is the reason he skipped our last date, and it's really weird I haven't heard from him, and time is ticking, I have got a message from Corbeil saying I have until September to get a husband, and I don't have one yet, since a certain childhood sweetheart has not spoke up yet they might invoke this emergency exception clause or something to let me marry someone else, a Patterson/Richards can't be unmarried, it's unseemly.

    I guess April told you what I told her, about how my new apartment is only one room in a basement and how it has a lot of centipedes and spiders but I was thinking about it and getting a nice apartment doesn't make sense, it will make a man think I don't need him to give me a home, also I will probably be getting married soon, if only someone would get a clue and speak up already, can't they see I'm in my most ripest marrying state?

    Liz

     
  • At 6:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i didn't say nething abt the diff betw what liz sed abt apts in her letter and the place she d-cided 2 rent cuz liz told me she wanted 2 xxplain 4 herself. as u can c, she has. oh, and also i didn't hafta read liz's thots (i wasn't there 2 do so). liz just told me abt what she'd been thinking.

    jeremy, what i heard is that steph hasta do a buncha medical research 4 mrs. johnston, who doesn't wanna get off the chesterfield 2 do ne 4 herself. steph sez it's often a waste of time, cuz mrs. johnston often doesn't end up even using the research. but the upside 4 steph has been learning a whole lot of medical-type stuff.

    neway, i wasn't joking abt 2nite. don't make me tweak or caress that ear!

    apes

     
  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I suppose it is possible that our Lizardbreath has told you what her thoughts were. It has happened before, even if it is a rare occurrence. When someone tells me about her thoughts, I have gotten into the habit of presuming they read her thought balloons. However, I cannot fault Liz’s logic for choosing the apartment she did. If she lives in a dank basement, potential suitors are much more likely to want to play their “I have a house” card. Now, if she could somehow manage to have the persons who own the house where her basement apartment is, be nosy sorts who check and see if she keeps her place clean, then we could have a candidate to become our new Patterson family villain. Becky McGuire is just not pulling her weight in villainy, and neither is Jeremy Jones, particularly since you went out with him tonight.

    I must say, formerly little sis, if mom had paid attention to you getting on the back of his motorcycle, and wearing that low cut outfit, she might have had a very strong reaction. However, ever since dad offered up the “new stuff” bribe to get her to agree to move into the Stibbs’ place, the only thing to see the whites of mom’s eyes are the local furniture store catalogs and sale advertisements. Dad might have stopped you wearing the outfit, if he wasn’t so busy trying to figure out how he can afford to buy all new furniture and appliances, make a downpayment on Stibbs’ place, while still having money to expand his train layouts to 3 full lots. And Deanna might have put a few words about how you were inappropriately stroking his ear in front of the kids, if she hadn’t already taken the kids out to the ravine to play a river rafting game.

    I can’t even complain, since you so aptly pointed out that if Jeremy Jones were converted to good, he would be qualified as a childhood sweetheart. In many respects, he is a fine choice. If you were to marry him, I will still be the prettiest and youngest-looking man in the family; whereas with Gerald Delaney-Forsythe as your husband, there would be some competition, and you know how I feel about competing.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 11:08 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I think the Martian teenager angst-to-English translator must have some bugs in it. Your sister said it wasn’t accurate and when I ran some lines of Becky’s Net-speak about how much she loved me through it; it came back with some lines about how Becky loved me mainly for my cooking, cleaning, fashion sense, and massages. Naturally, that’s wrong.

    Since you seem to be unwilling or unable to tell Becky and me whether or not you will be living in the Stibbs’ place with your mom and dad, or your current house with your brother’s family, or in your sister’s basement apartment; Becky and I are somewhat at an impasse when it comes to home purchase. Becky is giving her old house on Tumbledown Lane some serious thought, but tonight we decided we would go about the houses on Sharon Park Drive that were for sale, to find out what they were like.

    We were quite surprised to find a “For Sale” sign in front of the Enjo house across the street from yours. We knocked on the door and an older Japanese-looking lady came out. She said, “Are you here to see the house?” Becky said, “Yes. The deals in this area are really good and Howie and I are going to get married soon, so we are getting a place.” The lady said, “I recognize you. You’re Becky McGuire. I’m Carol Enjo, Dawn and Brian’s mom. You used to live just down the road, before all the trouble with your parents. Elly Patterson used to swear that someday you would corrupt her daughter, April. Did you ever corrupt her?”

    It was just at this time a curious thing happened. Carol stared right past us across the street to your house, where we saw a middle-aged man on a motorcycle pull up in front of your house. Carol said, “Perhaps this is a suitor for Elizabeth. She likes the daring, outdoorsy type of man.” Much to our surprise, the motorcycle rider pulled off his helmet and it was Jeremy Jones. Carol Enjo said, “Goodness. That man is far too old to be a suitor for Elizabeth.” Becky said, “He still looks younger than Anthony Caine.” Carol Enjo said, “Good point, Becky. Anthony Caine looks older than my husband, Keith, and he’s retired.”

    We started to step into the house to look around, when Carol gasped. She said, “Who is that? She looks like April Patterson, except with a different eye placement, bulbous lips, higher cheek bones, jaw line and two big strands of hair escaping from her bun.” Becky said, “That’s April’s new ‘I’m 16’ look.” Carol said, “And her mother and father let her out of the house that way? She looks like she’s gone roadside. Have they just thrown up their hands and said, ‘We did it.’ as far as parenting goes?” Becky said, “From what heard, they did some kind of awkward tango after they said, ‘We did it’.”

    Carol said, “So you did corrupt April Patterson. She’s getting on the bike with that middle-aged man, and she is stroking his ears.” Becky said, “At least she’s not pulling him to the ground and tweaking them, right Howie?” I said, “Right. There’s nothing worse than a good ear-tweaking.” Keith said, “You’re the guy who attacked Elizabeth. Aren’t you supposed to be in prison?” I said, “Acquitted for an improperly run trial.” Keith said, “Figures. Milborough justice system stinks. So, two of the people the Pattersons like the least are interested in buying our house?” I said, “I suppose this means you won’t consider selling to us.”

    Carol said, “On the contrary, it makes the idea even more appealing.” Becky said, “I thought you liked the Pattersons.” Keith said, “At one time, we were close. I was the only man in the neighbourhood who wasn’t cheating on my wife or throwing my son out of the house for being gay. Not only that, but along with Dean Anderson, we were among the few men who truly appreciated John Patterson’s model trains, because we also had model train layouts in our homes.” Becky said, “I forgot all about that.” Keith said, “Yes. But every since our children Dawn and Brian left Milborough, we never socialize with the Pattersons and it isn’t because we haven’t tried. Elly and John just had a huge party in Toronto for their son getting his book contract, and were we invited? No.” I said, “It is probably an oversight, since Elly and John didn’t throw that party.

    Carol said, “That may be so, but that’s not the biggest slight.” Becky said, “What is the biggest?” Carol said, “You probably don’t know this, but I am a semi-retired nurse from the local hospital and I spend my days offering in-home care to seniors.” Becky gasped and said, “And Jelly’s dad just had his stroke and needs in-home care.” Carol said, “Exactly. And does Elly take advantage of the situation to introduce an old family friend back into the daily life of her family? No. She hires 2 strangers, no one has ever seen or heard of.” I said, “I think Iris hired them, not Elly.”

    Carol said, “This is Milborough. Everybody knows everybody. Whether Elly meant to or not, the home care nursing industry considers me a poor risk, if Elly Patterson wouldn’t even trust her close friend and neighbour to help take care of her father.” Becky said, “That stinks.” I said, “Right.”

    Keith said, “Plus we’ve heard there are children over there.” Becky said, “Yes, her grandchildren. You don’t like children?” Keith said, “We never see the children. They never play outside. When the John’s grandchildren came to visit in the past, they would often go outside and play in the snow like regular kids. But now that they are supposedly living there, we see nothing. I don’t know what’s going on with Mike, because he used to be a nice guy when he was friends with my son, Brian. But now, he’s outside raking or Elizabeth is outside typing on her cell phone and yelling, ‘Ow!’, or John is walking the dogs with April and there are no kids anywhere. It’s creepy!!”

    Becky said, “Well, get ready for more of that, because Mike is planning to buy that house from his dad and mom.” Keith said, “More motivation to sell.” It’s one thing to live next to Elly and John. We are used to them. But to live next to Mike and his family is a different story. This is practically a retirement neighbourhood. There are no kids here to play with, and the old parks and the old schools where our children used to go, are getting run down or they’ve been torn down to make room for new businesses. I know one playground was torn down when Lawrence Poirier started his business. Lakeshore Park became Lakeshore Landscaping.” I was suddenly stricken. I said, “No kids to play with. Run-down parks. Becky. I am not sure we want to live here and raise children.” Becky said, “Listen Howie. The houses in this neighbourhood are too inexpensive to pass up and we can always move later, after I graduate from R.P. Boire.” I had to admit the house were so outrageously cheap, we would make a killing if the property values ever returned to normal.

    So we looked through the Enjo home and saw her Japanese heirlooms, and her complete collection of the Emperor’s Court dolls. We saw where Keith Enjo keeps his garden and pumpkin patch, and his combination model airplane and model train layouts. It was a very nicely kept place, even if the kitchen did reek of the spices used for Japanese cooking.

    As we left, we thanked the Enjos for showing us their home. Out of the house, Becky said, “They’re not as cheap as some of the other houses, but they have kept their house in good shape. I see room for a studio.” I said, “And a nursery.” Becky said, “Of course. Now what was April doing, going out with Jeremy Jones?” We wondered about it, but not too much. There were other houses to see.

    I hope your “date” with Jeremy is going well. I must admit my ear-massaging techniques are rather undeveloped, so if you have any suggestions, be sure to pass them on.

    Howard Bunt

     

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