[Not] Decided?
Liz told me that after she went inside 2 massage her thumb after she had her injury from txt-ing Warren, she discovered Mom sitting @ the kitchen table poring over furniture catalogues.
Mom was all, "I'm glad U found an apt, Liz!" And Liz told her, "Yeah. ....Looks like our whole family is going 2 B uprooted." Liz sat down, and Mom asked her, "Y do U say that?" Liz: "U're going 2 buy the Stibbs' place, rite? Mike and Deanna R going 2 stay here." Mom glanced down @ her furniture ads, all "Well, it hasn't been decided yet." Liz was like, "Yes it has!! U're looking @ furniture catalogues, Mike an' Dee R down @ the bank, and Dad's cleaning out his workshop! So, I'd say it's been decided." Liz sez that Mom got one of her gobsmacked looks and was all,"Oh."
Funny how there was no mention of me. @ least in this bit of convo that Liz reported. Liz sez I'll hafta w8 and C whether NE1 brought up the subject of me being uprooted, or whether this is all we're gonna hear abt this convo betw Mom and Liz.
Jeremy, I hafta say our evening out was v. v. interesting. Sumtymez I 4get just what a gossipy kinda place we live in. Ppl were all, "Isn't that April Patterson on a motorcycle w/sum middle-aged guy? Oh w8, that's Jeremy Jones!" Then they'd take out their cell fones and start txt-ing other ppl, all fast an' furious, till they were suddenly all "OW! TMDI!" NEway, when we were @ Kool Haus, and U leapt outta yr seat and yelled out, "APRIL PATTERSON HAS CONVERTED ME 2 GOOD!"? Well, I hafta say that surprised me. As did the official Corbeil photogs, stenographers, and representatives who popped out of seemingly nowhere 2 snap pics, take notes, and give U yr official "changed 2 good" certificate. Congrats? Oh, and thanx 4 the lesson in riding a motorcycle, @ that vacant lot we went 2 afterwards. That was v. cube of U.
Apes out
Mom was all, "I'm glad U found an apt, Liz!" And Liz told her, "Yeah. ....Looks like our whole family is going 2 B uprooted." Liz sat down, and Mom asked her, "Y do U say that?" Liz: "U're going 2 buy the Stibbs' place, rite? Mike and Deanna R going 2 stay here." Mom glanced down @ her furniture ads, all "Well, it hasn't been decided yet." Liz was like, "Yes it has!! U're looking @ furniture catalogues, Mike an' Dee R down @ the bank, and Dad's cleaning out his workshop! So, I'd say it's been decided." Liz sez that Mom got one of her gobsmacked looks and was all,"Oh."
Funny how there was no mention of me. @ least in this bit of convo that Liz reported. Liz sez I'll hafta w8 and C whether NE1 brought up the subject of me being uprooted, or whether this is all we're gonna hear abt this convo betw Mom and Liz.
Jeremy, I hafta say our evening out was v. v. interesting. Sumtymez I 4get just what a gossipy kinda place we live in. Ppl were all, "Isn't that April Patterson on a motorcycle w/sum middle-aged guy? Oh w8, that's Jeremy Jones!" Then they'd take out their cell fones and start txt-ing other ppl, all fast an' furious, till they were suddenly all "OW! TMDI!" NEway, when we were @ Kool Haus, and U leapt outta yr seat and yelled out, "APRIL PATTERSON HAS CONVERTED ME 2 GOOD!"? Well, I hafta say that surprised me. As did the official Corbeil photogs, stenographers, and representatives who popped out of seemingly nowhere 2 snap pics, take notes, and give U yr official "changed 2 good" certificate. Congrats? Oh, and thanx 4 the lesson in riding a motorcycle, @ that vacant lot we went 2 afterwards. That was v. cube of U.
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
15 Comments:
At 11:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur ‘rents r prolly gonna b mad if u tell them i picked u up this mornin’ 2 go 2 the drivetest driver examination centres 4 ur M1 & not 2 help u scope out furniture stores sales, like u told ur mom. remembah u hafta schedule the driver’s test aftah 60 dayz have passed & b4 90 dayz pass, & u can use my bike 4 the test, unless u have 1 of ur own by then. i wud say bikes r prolly 2 expensive 4u makin’ baby-sitter money, but i have learned thingz don’t oper8 normal wen it comez 2 pattersons. u’ll prolly have sum friend give u 1 cuz of a sudden divorce or sumthin’. i guess u cud get a loaner frum gordon mayes, but he wud prolly tell ur ‘rents.
if u don’t get 1, just let me know wen u wanna borrow mine, particularly 4 the driving test, eh? i know u were mad @ur mom wen u asked 2 go take ur G1 test 4 a car driver & she sed whether or not u were gonna b getting’ ur G1 hadn’t been decided yet. 4tun8ly, ur student ID card & ur birth certificate r all u needed & not parental permission.
havin’ an M1 iz way cooler than a G1, evn tho ur sis has an M1. i mean i have the G1, but i gotta have a licenced driver in the car, so i can’t use it unless my mom wants 2 go sumplace & a lotta tymez she wunts 2 stay @home & she duzn’t trust me 2 drive wen we do go sumplace. she’s afraid i’ll drive just like my dad or sumthin’. the M1 gives me a lotta independence 4 doin’ my job @kool haus & not havin’ 2 depend on mom.
also remembah, the only reasn i can get away w/carryin’ u az a passenger iz cause i look like i’m 40 & no1 is gonna question if i have an M1 nsteada M2 or M licence. peeps will question u, cuz u don’t look 40, especially on thoze days wen u don’t evn look 16.
also, i hadda gr8 tyme goin’ out w/u. i wondered y i kept hearin’ peeps say “ow!” wen we were ridin’. i kept lookin’ 2c if i hit ne1. thanx 4 xxplainin’ that t.m.d.i. biz. & ur mom seemed 2b mpressed by my official corbeil certificate of goodness. i think she evn looked up frum her furniture catalogue 4 a second 2 look @it.
neway, i know u just went out w/me 2 make a point w/gerald. i dunno if gerald iz smart enuff 2 get that point, but if u know, u evah wanna go out again, i wudn’t mind doin’ it, goin’ out that is.
At 11:26 AM,
April Patterson said…
thanx 4 takin' me 2 the driving centre 4 the m1. i passed the knowledge test, yo! i m so pumped abt that, i can't even tell u. jeremy, i can't count on myself getting a motorcycle outta the blue, so thanx 4 offering 2 let me practice on yrs. that's so cube!
gerald, his bro, and their sis r @ sum special "siblings" retreat, 4 the children of therapists. weird, eh?
apes
At 11:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I received an odd text message from your sister today. My girlfriend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) had to read it many times to understand it. I think it was telling me since your sister has found an apartment, it had been decided I can come and visit her there when I am back in town. It was either apartment or appointment or apportionment. I wasn’t sure.
Chipper text messaged back I was happy with Chipper and did not plan to visit. But then your sister sent back a message I think said if I came there would be nothing going on, just a visit. Also, it had been decided she would forgive me for cheating on her. Of course “gng n” could have been “going in” as well as “going on”, and Chipper got mad.
Chipper text messaged back there was no way I would ever visit her, even if she was the last woman on earth. Then your sister wrote back this long message saying she was used to spending time with ex-boyfriends, since they always understood the relationship was platonic. Then there a lot of “Ow”s text messaged. Chipper and I couldn’t figure out what they meant.
Chipper text messaged back your sister was fooling herself if she believed ex-boyfriends were platonic and I would not be coming to visit. Then your sister sent a message which said something about how since I sent a text message back, it was proof I was going to visit. Then Chipper text messaged she had been sending the messages back and not me.
Then your sister sent a message, which was the only one I could easily read. It said, “Oh!” That was the last message we got.
I know your sister is used to having friendly relationships with her ex-boyfriends, even going to their weddings and taking long helicopter rides with them, but I really am not interested in visiting her. Chipper thinks your sister must be lonely since she is not getting any attention from her ex-boyfriends. If your sister mentions me to you, please tell her most ex-boyfriends don’t talk to their ex-girlfriends.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. It was interesting to read about Elizabeth’s conversation with mom, and the conclusion she came to. I would agree with the last point that the move was going to take place, however, Deanna’s and my visit to the bank does not mean we have actually gotten a mortgage on mom and dad’s house. It didn’t really decide anything. There are a few things which have to happen before we can get a mortgage on a house which mom has not officially agreed to sell, like some papers to sign and things like that which says mom and dad have officially agreed to sell. Mom may be completely absorbed in furniture catalogues, but I think she would notice if she signed something like that.
Deanna knows all about the home-buying business. I don’t know where she got this knowledge, but she does. We just went to the bank to get a loan preapproval for how much house we can afford to buy. Deanna has a price in mind, but says that dad is very tricky when it comes to money. She has been trying to pin him down for months to tell her what “a little help” really means, and she is afraid that since dad played the “get new stuff” card to convince mom to move into the Stibbs’ house, he will change his mind about giving help, since he has a history of doing that, like the time he promised new rec room furniture to mom when she gave her old rec room furniture to us, and then he decided mom needed to buy second hand furniture instead.
By the way, since we’re at the bank, and mom is busy looking at furniture catalogues, and dad is busy cleaning out his workshop, and Liz is busy doing whatever it is that Liz does, could you find the children and make sure they’re alive? We’ll pay your usual fee. Thanks.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, jeremy and i just found merrie and robin out by the ravine. merrie was all, "jump in, writer robin! jump in!" jeremy managed 2 catch robin mid-jump, which is super-lucky since the ravine is flooded again. i grabbed merrie by the hand and we took 'em back 2 the house. the littles didn't even have the doggies w/them!!!
apes
At 6:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I’m glad you found the children. I used to love swimming in that ravine when it was flooded and I was little. So did Elizabeth. We could ride the current all the way down to the Sharon River. It was a long walk back, but completely worth it.
In fact, I seem to remember it was by that very ravine where I promised Rhetta Blum I would become a writer. Imagine that. I made most of my promises to Rhetta in a more comfortable place indoors lying down. But it was at the ravine, I remember standing there thinking it had been decided I was going to be a writer.
I’m glad to see my kids are enjoying the same play place Elizabeth and I did. It’s a good thing there were no dogs there. Our old dog Farley was always trying to jump in the water with us and pull us to shore. I wonder what happened to old Farley. It seems like these days with talking about the house and my kids playing in the ravine like Liz and I did, nobody seems to remember much about him, for some reason.
It sounds like you and Jeremy have the kids well in hand, so Deanna and I are planning to take in dinner and a show. We’ll see you later. And don’t worry, formerly little sis, you’ll get your usual fee.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, u r so, what's the word? oblivious? self-centred? insensitive? how cd u 4get i almost drowned in that ravine and farley saved me? wd u have been feeling all jovial if one of yr kids drowned in there 2day cuz no1 was supervising them?
apes
At 7:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. That’s right. I completely forgot about Farley saving you in the ravine. With Deanna going on and on about how our children could slide in the ravine like I did growing up, you would think someone would have remembered your experience in the ravine.
And also I remember promising Rhetta Blum I was going to write a book about that experience with Farley. I wonder why I decided not to do that and write about Sheilaugh Shaunessey, and my windjammer cook novels instead. I even had a book title in mind. What was it? I think it was “The M… of Farley.” Now if I can just remember what “M” is, I could have a great novel number 3.
Well, formerly little sis, it’s lucky you and Jeremy were there to save my children from drowning. Remind me to give you an extra loonie when I get home. Well, heck. It was two children, so how about 2 loonies?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, don't write abt farley. there r lots of promises u made 2 rhetta, w/out keeping them. b-sides, u already wrote a horrible, slanderous play abt farley, and i hadta sue u 2 get u 2 drop the whole ish.
apes
At 7:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur bro iz a freak, no offence. but i think u made a good point w/merrie & robin aftah u took them 2 the farley tree, ‘bout not playin’ the ravine, & wut happed 2u & farley.
sorry i hadda leave 2 go 2 the kool haus 2 do sound 4 the 2 concerts there 2nite. i wish they were all ages, so u cud come 2, but they’re both 19+ gigs.
i dunno how 2 say this w/o soundin’ rilly corny, but i hadda rilly good tyme w/u & merrie & robin 2day. i cud rilly rel8 2 wut they r goin’ thru. it’s not the same az wen my dad left my mom & i hardly got 2c him, but it’s rilly close. plus they r so smart & so funny. it wuz the 1st tyme i thot i cud rilly enjoy b-ing a dad. i told u it wud sound corny.
i cudn’t b-lieve we were the 1st 1s 2 tell them that ur house iz their new house, & they wud b goin’ 2 skool in mboro. they didn’t evn know ur sis got an apartment. but wen they saw ur dad pack up sum of his trains n2 the back of his crevasse, they had a rilly wide-eyed look on their face & i cud tell they believed us.
this is gonna sound funny, but if need sum1 2 come ovah & help u baby-sit, u can call me. & i don’t mean the kinda baby-sitting where i bring ovah wine either, eh?
At 7:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. I am shocked you have so little faith in my writing ability. Fortunately, you are not my publisher Devon and Brown. I called them up and they loved the idea for novel #3. I wish I could find my play about Farley, you mentioned. Then I might be able to remember what the “M” of “The M…of Farley” is. Unfortunately, that play probably went up in smoke in our apartment fire.
The Matriculation of Farley, The Maturation of Farley, The Mattress of Farley. Nothing is coming to mind. Maybe the Mind of Farley. If you can remember the name of the play, it would be helpful little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i didn't think that stuff u sed was corny, and i had a nice time, 2, when u were helping me w/robin an' merrie. u were so gd w/the kids, i had no idea!
i'd take u up on yr offer 2 help w/babysitting this evening, but mike an' dee have established a v. v. strict "no male visitors" rule 4 when i babysit.
"muzzle," mike. only i wish it cd b "the muzzle of mike." there r many, many ppl who wd like 2 muzzle u.
apes
At 10:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i unnerstand the “no male visitors” rule. mebbe if i show them my corbeil certificate of goodness & tell them i wud b a co-baby-sitter & not a visitor, they mite go 4 that. ‘course the way they seem 2b ‘round their kids, they prolly wudn’t notice if i wuz there or not. it didn’t seemta bother them much this aftahnoon i wuz there.
but i don’t wanta uproot ur whole fam just 2 help u babysit. i kinda noticed u were a lot less stressed this aftahnoon (after the ravine rescue, of course) than u usually r wen u talk ‘bout ur babysittin’, & i have this feelin’ w/ur bro plannin’ on movin’ in ur house permanent-like, ur gonna b doin’ evn more babysittin’ & ur gonna need sum1 2 help out, thass all. i’m just sayin’, if the babysittin’ starts 2 get 2u, i don’t mind helpin’ out, eh? 4 example, like i cud come ovah aftah ur bro & sil leave & then help u get the kids fed & 2 bed & then aftah they r all settled, i cud leave. that way u get help & ur bro & sil don’t know i wuz there. if u don’t wanna, thass cube 2.
neway, good show 2nite @the kool haus. we’re @the break aftah the 1st hour & it’s a good crowd.
At 10:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. “The Muzzle of Farley” doesn’t have much of a ring to it. It doesn’t sound right for some reason. I am sure I will remember the right word soon enough.
As for people who want to “muzzle” me, I know you have that wrong. Josef Weeder tells me people want to “nuzzle” with an “n” me. Weed has a very clever demonstration on the proper nuzzling technique, which he said was derived from the observations of the mating habits of pot bellied pigs. It is quite fascinating.
Deanna and I will be home soon. She just wanted to stop at the place over on Yonge Street where they have dancing and a concert at midnight. After we’re done there, we’ll be back home.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:47 PM,
howard said…
April,
When you and Jeremy were in the back yard of your house this afternoon, I must confess that Becky and I overheard part of your conversation. As it turns out, we were over in Connie Poirier and Greg Thomas’ yard next door behind the fence where you couldn’t easily see us. I thought you and Jeremy were very cute together. I especially loved it when Meredith said to Jeremy, “Are you and Elizabeth going to get married?” However when little Robin said, “You in luff?” and then he thought in a thought balloon, “The best part about being ‘a kid’ is…you can cut right to the chase!” Those were classic cute lines. But the best line was when little Meredith said, “Why are you making funny faces, Auntie April?” Even Becky enjoyed that line. However, her opinion about you and Jeremy Jones spending time together was, shall we say, decidedly different from mine.
I suppose you are probably wondering why Becky and I were in Connie Poirier and Greg Thomas’ house in the first place. The answer is that Becky and I were wandering through the neighbourhood, checking out the houses with “For Sale” signs, when Connie Poirier stepped out to talk to us. She said, “OK. Why are you two villains wandering around the neighbourhood? Are you getting ready to make trouble?” Becky said, “Villainess.” I said, “Don’t encourage her. Becky and I are looking for a place to buy. The house prices are dirt cheap.” Connie said, “You’re not moving in around here. Elly Patterson will get a court order if you get too close to Elizabeth.” Becky said, “Elizabeth’s not going to be living here much longer. She got an apartment.” Connie said, “Where did you hear this?” I said, “From April.” Connie said, “I am going to have to talk to April about associating with you two. Hey! Aren’t you supposed to be in prison?” I said, “Acquitted due to improper trial procedure.” Connie said, “Damn that legal procedure in Milborough. But the rest of what you said is an obvious lie.” I said, “Why do you think that?” Connie said, “Elly would have told me and the last thing she told me was that nothing had been decided yet.”
Becky said, “I has been decided, but Jelly is pig-headed to recognize it.” Connie said, “So Mike and Deanna are actually moving into the Stibbs’ place?” I said, “You are way behind. Mike and Deanna are staying on Sharon Park Drive and John and Elly are moving in the Stibbs’ place.” Connie shrieked, “What? Mike is staying here? In the house right next to me? That’s a big, fat lie! Elly would have told me.”
Right about then your dad walked out into his front yard and started loading the back of his Crevasse with train equipment. Connie started shrieking and shrieking. Then Greg Thomas stepped out of the house with anger in his eyes. He said, “Hey! Leave my wife alone.” Connie was gasping, “Elly and John leaving. Mike and Deanna staying.” Then Greg noticed John loading up the back of the Crevasse and he started shrieking too. His shrieking didn’t last very long, because he then ran into his house and not more than 2 minutes later was hammering a handmade “For Sale” sign into his front lawn. Connie, however, was still shrieking. Becky said, “I am starting to get the feeling that living next to Jelly is not as bad as living next to Mike.”
Eventually Greg got Becky and me to help him take Connie inside. Then she was wracked with sobs, which obviously made Greg uncomfortable. Becky said, “Let Howie give her a massage. That will calm her down.” As predicted, it did. When Connie calmed down, she said, “I can’t believe Elly is going to move. We’ve known each other since university. We’ve lived by each other since 1979. I thought we would always live next to each other.” Becky said, “People move.” Connie said, “But not Elly. She’s been in the same house since 1979. Why would she ever agree to move?” I said, “I believe it was because Dr. Patterson offered her all new stuff in the Stibbs’ place.” Connie said, “She sold me out for new furniture?!!” and she sobbed a little more.
Greg said, “Connie, baby. We saw it coming. We used to do all the social things with the Pattersons. But last year we found out Elly explained John did laundry to a whole different group of women she met for lunch, and Connie was not invited.” Connie said, “And Anne Nichols wasn’t invited either.” I shuddered at the name of my archenemy in the field of cooking. Becky piped up and said, “And you probably didn’t get invited to Michael Patterson’s ‘Praise Me I’m Going to be Published’ party either.” Greg said, “That’s right. And then Elly and John didn’t go to the Halloween Party at our house, but instead went to a Halloween party with people we don’t know. The signs were all there." Connie said, “But I had a conversation with Elly about Liz back in July, and we jogged to the Donut & Deli once last year, and I took care of April over March break last year." Greg said, “Connie. You used to talk to Elly all the time. We used to do things together. Elly and you have grown apart.” Connie said, “No. No. No. I would never, ever, sell this house to my son, Lawrence. My neighbours and my support system are important to me.” Greg said, “Nonsense. You would sell this place to Lawrence and Nick in a heartbeat. The difference is that Lawrence would never ask you to move from a place where you have lived for more than 28 years.” Connie said, “And to think, at one point I hoped Lawrence would grow up to be like Mike. What was I thinking?” Greg said, “Well now we know we have to sell. We’re old retired people and we like the quietness of no children.” Becky said, “There was Elly’s screaming, too.” Greg Thomas said, “But she doesn’t scream that often.”
Then we heard you and Jeremy and the kids in the back yard. Connie and Greg wanted to outside to see what the sound was like, and that’s when we heard you and Jeremy and the kids talking. We listened for awhile and then went back in. Connie said, “Who was that middle-aged man with April?” Becky was growling, “Jeremy Jones.” Connie said, “The germy, wormy guy? He doesn’t look anywhere near the same age as April.” I said, “And yet, they are one and the same.” Greg said, “At least he didn’t bring over wine to get April drunk, so he could take her roadside, like that other guy did.” Becky said, “Give him time.” I said, “I believe April and Gerald, her boyfriend were just kissin.” Connie and Greg both started laughing, “And you believed that? They’ve been steady since 2003.” Becky said, “Apes and I pink swore not to do it until after we turned 16.” Connie said, “A pinky swear with you? That doesn’t mean a lot. Let me tell you, Becky McGuire, the facts. April had Gerald over just before her 16th birthday, and when she turned 16 she completed changed her appearance to dress like some sort of school girl tramp. That can’t be a coincidence.” Becky said, “We pinky swore!” and she started to get upset.
Then Greg said, “Let’s not fight about this. I don’t think we will agree on this subject. Anyway, do you know if April is staying with her brother or moving with her mom and dad?” I said, “She hasn’t decided.” Connie said, “Well, based on how well the kids were doing with April, I think she should stay. In fact, I think I am going to provide motivation.” And it was then she started to make those cookies with the note on the outside which said, “Cookies once a week, if you stay on Sharon Park Drive.” I don’t know if you got them tonight or tomorrow. But it was when she started baking we had to leave. Actually, I wanted to stay, but Becky said, “Howie. You’re not helping.”
After we got outside, Becky said, “Do you think April broke her pinky swear with me?” I said, “Of course not. It’s April.” Becky said, “You’re right, Howie.” And she seemed to be happy with that explanation.
Anyway, I still think you and Jeremy looked cute together. But I am sure you will remain faithful to Gerald no matter what happens. That’s just the type of person you are.
Howard Bunt
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