Not asking
Liz sez that after the fone call w/Warren, she went back 2 brushing Edgar. Mom loped in and was all, "Who called? Was it yr friend Warren? Is he coming 2 C U?" Liz tellz me that she didn't answer Mom, she just continued 2 brush Eddy while thinking, "Mother, don't ask. Do not ask." Mom leaned her forearms on the counter and asked again: "Is he coming 2 C U?" And Liz thot even harder, "DO NOT ASK!" Mom carried on, kinda Dadlike: "He's a nice boy, but inconsistent, don't U think? He can cancel a d8 @ the last minute and it doesn't seem 2 bother him.... Does it bother U?" Liz's answer 2 that was 2 throw her head back, unhinge her jaw (kinda Momlike), and let out a huge AAUGHH. Liz stormed off, and, according 2 Mom, this caused her [Mom] 2 think, "I shdn't have asked." Ya think?
Jeremy, I C that U met Gerald's lil sis, Honoria. She xxplained that she's @ our old middle school now cuz she was expelled from that boarding school she useta go 2? So I hear she's having sum trub adjusting 2 public school.
NEway, yeah, my convo w/Ger was def interesting. He kinda got down on his knees an' groveled, asking me 2 forgive him 4 "not being there when [I] needed him" this wkend," and even tho I tried 2 assure him he didn't needta apologize, he took out this weird leather whip and kinda whipped himself on the back. Luckily the caf monitor took the whip away from him. Of course, now he hasta C the school counsellor this wk.
As 4 Mike's 2 articles in the Clarion, the one abt U being "converted 2 good" (and getting the Corbeil cert. 2 go w/that) and the one complaining abt Portrait mag's new direction, U can just know that Mike totally read that stuff out loud 2 all of us. I hadta bite my knuckles 2 keep from LOL-ing super-hard @ that second one! (U C, if I'd laffed, Mike wda stopped and asked me 2 xxplain each laff. And it wda taken him like 4-6X as long 2 read the thing 2 us. So better not to laff.)
Apes
Jeremy, I C that U met Gerald's lil sis, Honoria. She xxplained that she's @ our old middle school now cuz she was expelled from that boarding school she useta go 2? So I hear she's having sum trub adjusting 2 public school.
NEway, yeah, my convo w/Ger was def interesting. He kinda got down on his knees an' groveled, asking me 2 forgive him 4 "not being there when [I] needed him" this wkend," and even tho I tried 2 assure him he didn't needta apologize, he took out this weird leather whip and kinda whipped himself on the back. Luckily the caf monitor took the whip away from him. Of course, now he hasta C the school counsellor this wk.
As 4 Mike's 2 articles in the Clarion, the one abt U being "converted 2 good" (and getting the Corbeil cert. 2 go w/that) and the one complaining abt Portrait mag's new direction, U can just know that Mike totally read that stuff out loud 2 all of us. I hadta bite my knuckles 2 keep from LOL-ing super-hard @ that second one! (U C, if I'd laffed, Mike wda stopped and asked me 2 xxplain each laff. And it wda taken him like 4-6X as long 2 read the thing 2 us. So better not to laff.)
Apes
Labels: Duncan, Gerald, Jeremy, Liz, Mike, Mike's literary pretensions, Mom, pets
posted by April Patterson @ 6:28 AM
5 Comments:
At 1:14 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
Apes,
sounds like once warren got out of range of the patterson allure he had 2nd thoughts about his non-date w/Liz. ;-)
Luann
At 2:26 PM,
howard said…
Luann,
I have certainly noticed it to be the case for myself. When Elizabeth Patterson was living in Mtigwaki, her allure was easier to resist. I feared when she moved back to Milborough it would be a problem, and it was for a little while. Lately Elizabeth seems to be more and more like her mother, so I think she may be entering an age where her allure is diminishing. That could also be a source for Warren’s second thoughts. Of course, he could also just be busy with his work. People have been known to cancel dates for work before, but admittedly, rarely when it comes to Elizabeth.
April has reported Elizabeth screams more and more like her mother does. When I worked with Elizabeth at Lakeshore Landscaping back in 2005, she would only scream occasionally. When it happened, my coworkers delighted in determining that Elizabeth did in fact have teeth, since she rarely smiled to show them off. Mainly what she would do if she was frustrated was to stop talking to people. I remember one occasion when Lawrence Poirier asked Elizabeth if she knew how to operate a particular machine and he must have asked her 3 or 4 times in a row, before Elizabeth turned around to him and yelled, “Didn’t you read my thought balloons? I said I already know how to do it!” There were many occasions like that, and I recollect clearly after those altercations Lawrence would mumble things about paying debts to Pattersons, and asking when the school year was going to start again.
So, it could be the distance motivating Warren, or it could be she is turning more and more into her mother and losing her power over Warren.
Howard Bunt.
At 2:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadda weird nite last nite. i got this call aftah skool frum honoria delaney-forsythe. she sed, “jeremy. i’m baby-sittin’ ovah @anthony caine’s place & u sed u wud help me, if i called.” i sed, “ok. i’ll come ovah.” then i went ovah 2 anthony caine’s place & honoria wuz there w8in’ @the door. i sed, “where’s the kid?” she sed, “did u bring wine?” i sed, “wut?” honoria sed, “my bro sed u shud alwayz bring a fine wine 2 babysit. like a château lafite rothschild.” i sed, “i didn’t bring wine.” honoria looked disappointed. she sed, “well, ok. let’s go 2 the bedroom then.” i sed, “is the kid in the bedroom?” honoria sed, “no. but let’s go there neway.” i sed, “have u alreddy put the kid 2 bed?” honoria sed, “oh. thass rite. my big bro sed i needed 2 do that 1st. how silly of me.”
so honoria led me down the stairs 2 the basement where there wuz this fenced in play area & the kid wuz in there playin’ w/a ball. she reached out to honoria & sed, “honoria!” i started 2 reach 4 her, when honoria sed, “no. u needta leave her in her play area. mr. caine sez if u let her out of the play house area, she mite get usedta it. it’s safer 2 leave her in.” i sed, “françois nevah gets out?” honoria sed, “wen she goez 2 childcare she duz & don’t call her françois. there wuz sum horrible person who called her that & it gives her nightmares. call her francie.” i sed, “ok. wut do u do 2 get her 2 go 2 sleep, like read her a story or rock her?” honoria sed, “mr. caine gives her a special drink in her sippy cup.” i sed, “he drugs her?” honoria sed, “i just do wut mr. caine sez.” i sed, “how ‘bout i tell her a story & rock her instead?” honoria sed, “well. we cud b up in the bedroom, but if thass wut u wunt.”
so i went inside the playhouse & introduced myself to francie & told her a story & rocked her. eventually she fell asleep & i sed, “where duz she sleep?” honoria sed, “there’s a cot in the play house.” i sed, “cube. i guess she duzn’t hafta worry ‘bout fallin’ outa bed.” so i laid little francie down 2 sleep. i sed, “ok. she’z asleep. wen i help april, i leave aftah the kids r asleep, so peeps won’t talk.” honoria sed, “but u haven’t seen the bedroom.” i sed, “ok. i’ll go look @the bedroom.”
so honoria led me 2 the bedroom & wen i turned on the lights i sed, “i can cyu wunted 2 show me this. mr. caine is sure obsessed w/elizabeth patterson.” honoria sed, “if u lie on the bed, u can see it bettah.” so i got on the bed & honoria got in beside me & i sed, “ur rite. i completely ignored the pics on the ceiling.” then honoria started kissing me. i sed, “wut? wut ru doin’?” honoria sed, “my big bro sed this is wut u do wen u bring ovah a guy & ur baby-sittin’.” i sed, “no. no, honoria. thass not wut i do.” honoria sed, “jeremy. ur a nice guy, but a little inconsistent. u think u can cancel a makeout session @the last minute, & it duzn’t seem 2 bother u. well, it bothers me.”
i sed, “1st of all, i barely know u. 2nd of all, ur only in grade 8. 3rd of all, wen ur paid 2 do a job, then u shud do that job & not bring ovah a guy 2 kiss.” honoria sed, “but every1 knows how u didn’t do ur job @that gym / jam last year.” i sed, “but since then i have my corbeil certificate of goodness. & doin’ ur job iz wut a good person duz.” honoria sed, “it sounds boring 2 me. u sound just like my au pair/nutritionist, thinda slightley.” then she did an imitation of sum1 w/a squeaky old lady voice & sed, “if u can just hold urself 2 one stalk of celery per day, u can b az thin & beautiful az ur mother.” then she sed, “am i 2 fat 4u jeremy? do u think i am a st00pid fatass? mater always sed if i didn’t get my weight down sum1 wud call me a st00pid fatass.”
i sed, “i didn’t say nething ‘bout fat.” honoria sed, “darn it! my bro sed i shud always read thot balloons or i wud nevah know wut wuz goin’ on. did ur thot balloons call me a st00pid fatass?” i sed, “i didn’t think nething ‘bout fat either.” honoria sed, “then y won’t u kiss me? we r bf/gf aftah all. i think ur lyin’ & u did think i wuz a st00pid fatass, aftah all. gerald sed u were no good.” i sed, “i just met u yestahday. wut xxactly did ur bro tell u ‘bout me?” honoria started 2 think back & sed, “gerald sed, ‘stay away frum him, honoria. he’s not worthy of u. he will bring disgrace 2 the famly name. 1 of his worst traits is he always tries 2 tell the truth.’” i sed, “pretty honest 4 ur bro. lemme tell u the truth, honoria. i think ur fam is a buncha freaks & mosta the tyme i can’t stand ur bro. az 4u, i think ur v. beautiful.” honoria sed, “then yru able 2 resist me? most guyz wunt me.” i sed, “ur pretty, but i have been dealin’ w/patterson allure 4 mosta my life, so resistin’ pretty girls iz ez compared 2 that.”
honoria sed, “patterson allure. that’s the thing that makes every1 like april patterson isn’t it?” i sed, “well, that & april is v.v. nice 2 most peeps.” honoria sed, “she is so boring. she duzn’t do nethin’ @skool. my brother duz hockey & basketball. his best friend duncan duz soccer. & duncan’s gf, eva duz tennis.” i sed, “well, there iz their band 4-evah& eva. plus april did yearbook last year, but there wuz sum kinda scandal ‘bout it, & so she hazn’t done it this year.” honoria sed, “jeremy. the most popular peeps in skool do a lotta stuff. u hafta have that stuff 2 get n2 the best skools. duz april think this patterson allure iz gonna get her n2 a good skool?” i sed i didn’t know, but i wudn’t b surprised if it did.
then anthony caine came home. he sed, “honoria! wut did i say ‘bout havin’ men ovah in my house?” honoria sed, “don’t show them the room u dedic8ed 2 ur x-wife.” anthony sed, “oh, rite. u didn’t show it 2 him did u?” honoria sed, “no. mr. caine.” anthony sed, “good. & did u & ur bf clean up aftah urselves aftah u drank wine & had sex on my bed?” i sed, “mr. caine. we didn’t drink wine & have sex.” honoria grumbled, “unfortun8ly.” anthony sed, “good. u can look @my pictures i got while i wuz out w/my astronomy club.” i sed, “did u get ne good pics of stars.” anthony sed, “oh yes.”
then he laid out a bunch of pics. i sed, “y do u have a pic of elly patterson brushin’ her dog?” anthony sed, “thass not elly patterson. that’s elizabeth patterson.” honoria sed, “it looks like the same person who’s spittin’ @this telephone. thass a lotta spit.” anthony sed, “but wut a tongue she has on her. it wud b heaven 2b licked by liz.” i hadda admit it wuz a rilly long tongue & i cud c his point, evn tho it grossed me out. then i sed, “this 1 of the person w/her head tilted back & her jaw unhinged & screamin’ has gotta b elly patterson. i’ve seen that scream a lot.” anthony started 2 get mad & sed, “no. thass elizabeth patterson, not elly. u can tell frum the dental work.” i sed, “ok. but the 1 of the peep hunched ovah & walkin’ away mad, thass gotta b elly. i’ve seen that walk b4 lots of tymes.” anthony sed, “no. no. no! it’s elizabeth! not elly! elly is the 1 behind her lookin’ like she shudn’t have asked sumthin’ she asked!” i sed, “ru sure? that looks like dr. patterson.” honoria sed, “they all look like the same person 2 me. mebbe they’re triplets.”
anthony sed, “out! out of my house!” & he opened the door & we left. then he opened it up again & sed, “same tyme 2morrow, honoria?” honoria sed, “yes. mr. caine.” i sed, “anthony’s awfully inconsistent. so wut wuz in the room dedic8ed 2 his x-wife?” honoria sed, “oh. a lotta pics of his x-wife hung in effigy & burnt & sum of her old stuff slashed & stabbed a lot. nothin’ special. ru walkin’ me home, jeremy?” i sed, “no. but i will u ride on the back of my bike.” honoria sed, “u don’t think i will b2 much of a fatass 2 ride w/u?” i sed, “no. ur ass is just the perfect size 4 a bike ride.” & she wuz.
that wuz the evenin’. kinda weird, eh? neway, i guess the home ec thing iz not every day, cuz gerald came up 2 me @lunch & sed, “don’t go roadside w/my sis.” & then he handed me a homemade card w/lotsa hearts & flowers on it, which sed, “2 a good boy frum honoria, who is just the perfect size 4u.” & there wuz a little inspection sticker on the side, which sed, “card deemed appropriate for 14-year-old girl’s psychosexual health & well-being.” i guess it meant her dad looks @her cards 2 give his approval. i suppose u must b used 2 that wen gerald gives u cards, eh?
At 2:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Do you know where the dog hair wig for Edgar is? Mom says she can’t find it, since dad has started packing things up around the house. She asked me to look through your old room to see if I could find it, but I didn’t find it anywhere. Mom wants to use it to cover the bald spot on the back of Edgar, Liz brushed off.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, that does sound like a v. strange nite. yeah, i've noticed that weird seal on ger's cards, when he gives me one.
mike, u want the clear, plastic box marked "dog hair pieces, weaves, and wigs, misc." i think dad moved it in2 the laundry room when he was packing up his choo-choo supplies.
apes
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