Digesting

When Mom and Liz got home from the trial, I heard Liz rite outside the front door being all, "Thanks 4 the lift, Anthony. Thanks 4... everything." Then I looked an' saw Anthony put his rite arm on Liz's left arm, all "NE time." Ew. And Liz seemed 2 have a halo around her hed, which was v. strange.

Inside, while Mom was taking off her boots, she [Mom] was all, "So, it's over. MayB Howard didn't get what he deserved, but it's over." I wanted 2 change the subj, cuz I'm sad abt the whole Howard thing, so I was, like, "Guess what else is over! Mike quit his job @ Portrait magazine! He finally told 'em 2 'stuff it'!" I kinda hunched my shoulders up and pted @ Liz when I sed this. And U mite wonder Y I worded stuff like I did, since Mike had a pretty cushy gig @ Portrait. It's cuz Mom seemed 2 believe the job was, like impinging on his "delicate genius" and that he was, like, doing them sum kinda favour being there. I kinda had 2 phrase it in a way that fit in w/how Mom looks @ the sitch, else she totally wdn't understand.

NEway, Mom was, like, "W8 a minute...Let me sit down. 2 much is happening. I need 2 digest everything slowly and carefully." She had her hand up on her 4head when she sed this, like she was afraid it mite open up an' spit out her brains. She plunked herself down @ the kitchen table, and @ this xxact moment, Dad appeared, an oven mitt on each hand, holding a casserole dish, an' saying, "U're in luck! I made a pot of 3-bean chli!" Mike sez this is Y Dad is the "patriarch of puns." "April, note the subtle punning w/out even having 2 speak the actual pun [on digesting]! We R in the presence of punning GREATNESS." Ewfulness!

Apes

Everything's Fine and Dee Recaps for Mira

OMG, Zeremy, that was such a crayzee nite, eh? Thanx 4 getting all thoze tix so Merrie an' Robin an' I cd all go C Disney on Ice w/U and yr future sis. I can't believe Ger actually got a Baloo the Bear suit and sneaked himself in so he cd sk8 and also sing his embarrassing "Gettin' sum from April Flower" song. I'm glad he recovered so quick from being zapped w/that security guard's stun gun. He sez he's just glad he didn't get stungunned in the gut, where his bro is alwayz punching him. That wda been a prob! Oh, and thanx 4 bribing that guy, Mom's spy, w/an autograffed book fr. yr dad, Country Jones, so he wdn't blab. Lucky 4 me the guy was such a big fan!

Dessert @ the CN Tower was such a great idea, 2! It was nice 2 have sum alone time w/Ger, and he was so glad 2 B w/me, he even let off on pressuring me the way he has l8ly. When I'd asked him Y he'd pulled his crazy Baloo stunt, he sed he'd just gone crayzee from "April Flower Withdrawal." Awwwww.

MCDunC, it soundz like U R having a s00per-cube vacation! I haven't even had a chance 2 use the housekey U gave me, but I def will. And gotcha--no big NYE partee @ the Anderson house.

So, this morning, I went in 2 my room 2 get sum stuff fr. my dresser. MY dresser, the one I paid 4 all by myself, with my OWN money, from Ikea. And U'll remember that Mike an' Dee R using my room, but if not, U'd know from the convo I'm abt 2 report, that Dee was having on the fone with her Mom. Cuz, like, U haven't heard enuf abt ppl in my fam recapping what happed the nite of the fire.

NEway, Dee was sitting on MY bed, with Merrie and Robin totally clinging 2 her (she wasn't kidding when she told me the poor kidz R xxtra clingly l8ly). I heard her saying, "We're fine, Mom. We R staying with John and Elly. No, we don't know 4 how long. We're in April's room, April has moved 2 the rec room and our kidz R in the sewing room, next 2 Elizabeth. We're fine!" Then she stood up, holding Robin. And I felt a storm cloud rising over my head as she sed, "Yes, we've had sum fun [fun?] reorganizing & it's a little crowded, but don't worry, everything's fine." Then I left the room, but l8r she told me that as she hung up the fone, she was thinking, "Everything's fine. Everything's fine." And then she sat on my bed with the kids 2 read them a snowman story, and continued thinking: "For my children's sake..... Everything's fine."

When she told me this, she hugged me and thanked me again 4 taking Robin an' Merrie off of her handz 4 a while last nite. She sez she really, really needed that. Esp. since Mike is spending xxtra time @ the office, since he doesn't have an attic 2 hide in here. Nice, Mike.

Apes

Recapping 4 Weed

Mike posted abt going out 4 coffee w/Weed an' Carleen after he checked his apt. house the other day:

April,

Little sis. Here is the next installment of my day back in Toronto to visit my apartment. After our landlady Lovey Saltzman, waxed on about how it was not alright for Melville Kelpfroth to try to kill us all using so many Yiddish phrases I lost count; I suggested to Weed we might go get a cup of coffee so I could tell him my story about the fire, and maybe we could leave the women behind. But, alas, Josef felt sorry for Carleen having to listen to Lovey continue on about the evils of cigar-smoking goyim, and he invited her to come along with us. As we left, Lovey was still ranting on, and she may still be there, for all I know.

At the coffee house, Weed and I sat in our customary positions—looking each other in the eye, as Carleen sat in her customary position---off to the side somewhere. I started off with “Man, it happened so fast. My family was sleeping” and then it occurred to me I had used the word “Man” to start my speech, which was unusual for me, as if I suddenly forgot I was 30 years old and no longer in university. That little pause in thinking also helped to realize that perhaps I didn’t want to tell Weed how Deanna took the time to put boots, hats, and coats on the children and I called the emergency services before we tried to leave the apartment. And maybe I didn’t want to tell Weed that I didn’t actually get my wife and children outside, but instead left things up to Deanna as I went up to the attic. The firefighters and doctors at the hospital all told me those were stupid things to do, and I didn’t want Weed to think I was stupid, and only good for my looks. So I said to Weed, “and then suddenly, we were all outside!”

At first Weed stared at me blankly. I wondered if he understood what I said, or if he was confused by my implication that magic was involved in getting my family from sleeping to all the way outside. But then Weed said, “We didn’t know what was going on until the fire trucks arrived!” I breathed a sigh of relief hearing that, because it meant Weed didn’t question what Deanna and I were doing in the apartment before we got outside. It meant Weed was miffed that he found out about the fire from the fire trucks and not from me. I know if I were Weed, and he had a fire in his apartment, and I had to find out from someone else about his fire, it would hurt my feelings too. I cried a little inside knowing I had hurt his feelings. I had to make him feel better about me, so I told him, “Those guys came just minutes after I called!” That way it would seem like I had planned to call him too, but the fire fighters were just too fast for my phone-dialing fingers.

I could see Weed was relieved about my explanation, so I decided to tell him the exciting part of the story, about how “I went up to the attic…by the time I came down, I could hardly breathe…and I couldn’t see.” I could see the worry etching itself across Josef’s face. I could not stand it any longer. I had to let him know I was alright. I said, “Two guys pulled me out…I was never so glad to see someone in my life!” Then I realized I had said, “two guys” instead of “two firefighters”. Weed was going to think I have other men in my life, who come to rescue me, who aren’t firefighters and most importantly, who aren’t him. Weed yelled out “WHAT?!!”. I knew I had blundered.

Weed said, “You went up to the attic when the place was full of smoke?” I was so relieved; Josef was just concerned for my safety. I knew he understood me, better than my wife did, since she called me crazy. So I told Josef the truth, “I had to get my laptop, Weed—and my book.”

Then Josef reached out to me and held my arm from across the table. I can’t tell you how it felt to have someone near to me, who knows I am a Patterson and how I am wired, and who, in my hour of need, gave me the precious pun of pity. Josef said, “Well, for your sake, Mike…I hope it sells like a house on fire!” Those words were so beautiful, it brought me to tears. I am not a crying man, little sis, but it means so much to me to know that no matter how bad things get, there is someone out there who will tell me a pun, when I need a pun the most. I hope for you, little sis, that someday you will find a man for you, who will touch you as much as Josef Weeder has touched me.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I think what Weed 4got 2 say was, "So you risked your life, risked widowing Dee, and leaving your children fatherless, all so you can save a laptop and a manuscript you'd mostly backed up anyway?" But I guess Weed isn't so much for the "tuff luv," eh?

Apes

Merry Christmas

Hey, so every1's in the house, and we're all saying this fire stuff happed on Xmas eve, even tho Mike's been telling abt it way, way longer. Time is weird in Mboro, eh?

I cdn't help hearing the convo Mom and Dee had in the wee hrs as they and Dad settled Robin and Merrie in2 the sofa bed. I guess the stuff Mike told us abt in yesterday's blog entry happed in that same diff continuity where Liz was transported 2 Paul during the Labour Day weekend.

So, the convo I heard. Dee was all, "The fire started in the apartment downstairz. Mr. Kelpfroth was smoking in bed.... He'd turned off the smoke alarm so the landlady wdn't find out. By the time our alarms went off, the fire was out of control. I took the kids down the fire escape. Michael ran up to the attic to get his book. The firemen got him just in time. He had 2 B checked 4 smoke inhalation... I picked him up @ the hospital... And we all came here." Mom went, "So every1's safe and sound." And Dee was like, "Yes!" Mom hugged her an' sed, "Merry Xmas!" while Dad, I think, put a hand on one of Dee's hands. Or forearms. Not sure which.

NEway, Zeremy, sorry I wasn't able 2 make it 2 that party. I tried 2 sneak out last nite, but Mom was all, "Hey! This is a time 4 family 2getherness! Get yr Patterson butt back in here!"

Well, Merry Xmas 2 all of ya that celebr8 it!

Apes