April's Real Blog

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Mike went back 2 his bldg 2 C the damage an' he wrote abt it in a post last nite:

At 2:30 AM, michael patterson said…

April,

Little sis. The following day after my apartment was burned and I lost almost everything except my laptop, reality set in. It wasn’t mom putting sheets on the day bed in her sewing room for my daughter or assembling a borrowed crib for my son. It wasn’t you taking residence in the cluttered rec room, while we took your bedroom and found your collection of Teen Beat magazines. The thing that really did it was watching mom chart our bathroom routines according to everyone's schedules. I suddenly realized that I am sharing a shower with 3 adult females, and I would probably find things in the bathroom I wouldn’t find back in our old apartment bathroom with its gigantic interiours.

Since Deanna works in the same building with dad, they are commuting in together, leaving me the car to drive the hour and a half commute to my work. Mom gave dad a strict lecture about not forgetting and leaving Deanna at work, if he decided he was going to take time off to do whatever dad does when he is not at work. Connie next door agreed to take our children for the mornings and Mom would take them for the afternoons. I know you were probably thinking that since I work in Toronto, I could have taken the children to their regular daycare with Ardith Narayan, in order to keep from disrupting their normal schedule, instead of handing them off to Connie, a woman they barely know. But mom convinced me that since we are likely to be in her house for a long time, it would be better to establish a new way of doing things, which would be more convenient for our new state of being.

As planned, I decided to go to my old place after work to see what remains. There I met Josef Weeder and his girlfriend, Carleen Stein, and our landlady Lovey Saltzman. We stood outside and as the white luminescent circles we call snow were falling about us, we looked at the burnt building. As we stood there quietly, it occurred to me that none of us were wearing hats, even with it snowing outside. Before I could launch into a lecture on health consciousness, Weed put his arm around Carleen and said, “They saved the outside of the place, Mike, but the water an’ smoke damage is wicked.” Carleen hissed at Weed, “How many times do I have to tell you, don’t use an’. Only teenagers and low class people say an’.” Then Weed stepped back from Carleen so I was closer to her now and he said, “Our side of the building is OK, but everything stinks!” I wasn’t sure if he was talking about the smell or his relationship with Carleen.

Lovey said, “Feh! I should have evicted those people! Who needs this?! Who needs this?!!!” I must admit at this point, I was taken aback, and not only by Lovey’s repetition of “Who needs this?!” with extra exclamation points. You see, Lovey had told us all along that she should couldn’t evict the Kelpfroths because they knew their rights, but now she was saying she should have evicted them. I started to get mad at Lovey, which I know I shouldn’t do because she is a beloved older, ethnic, mother figure for me, and thus beyond reproach. I had to refocus my anger. So I said to Weed, “And…the Kelpfroths?” Weed said, “Still in the hospital in serious condition.” Then I was taken aback again. My oldest and dearest friend, Josef Weeder had betrayed me. He had stabbed me in the back by inquiring and finding out about the condition of the Kelpfroths. We had gone the entire time dealing with my losses in the fire due to the Kelpfroths without anyone actually asking about them. Our record would still be perfect if it hadn’t been for Josef. I said to him, “Vile betrayer.” He said, “You asked. Don’t ask the question, if you don’t want to hear the answer.” Lovey Saltzman gave us the declaration of “Hmph!” which is usually her way of saying she is going to go for the punch line. She pointed to the broken downstairs window with broken glass and ice on the window sill and said, “From smoking, he can kill himself slowly…it’s HIS business…but that schlemiel tried to kill us ALL!!” I was very tempted at that moment to launch in the dangerous effects of second-hand smoke to which my family had been exposed for the last 1 ½ years, but then I remembered the rule about beloved older, ethnic, mother figures and I held my tongue. Not literally of course because that would be painful.

You know I had plans to go inside, if I could, and go up into the attic, while counting my steps to safety. However, I am not sure if I will be writing about that tomorrow. We’ll have to see what kind of mood I am in.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, yeah, that stuff abt Lovey and not evicting the K's soundz way suspicious. Also, she soundz pretty insensitive considering they're in serious condition @ the hospital.

Zeremy, thanx 4 posting that stuff abt the party "Lapril" went 2. It was cube of U not 2 blow my cover, but now I can admit that I actually did sneak out an' go 2 that party as Lapril. I'm still upset abt the whole "wide butt" thing. I'm totally upping my kickboxing workouts! It's hard 2 believe peeps don't recognize me when I wear my hair down an' put on nice clothes. And I'm glad my hair curse gave me the nite off.

Apes

13 Comments:

  • At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings where your nisayenh (brother) and the people who lived next to him looking at his burnt apartment. As a member of the Ontario Provincial Police, I have seen many fires, and the smell your nisayenh (brother’s) neighbours smell is very difficult to remove. Their apartments will have to be completely cleaned, including walls and windows, and they will need to use much deodorizer. It is not a fun job, but it can be done. I told the story to my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper. She said to me “Suds (her nickname for me). You’re the perfect man for that job, since you like to keep things so clean. After all, that is why I call you Suds.” I said, “Maybe I can help them clean after I move to Toronto.” Chipper said she was just kidding me. Sometimes I miss her native humour.

    After spending Christmas with Chipper’s ningitiziim (parents), we are spending today with my ningitiziim (parents), since they live so close to Chipper’s ningitiziim (parents). I had hoped to spend this time with your sister, but she said your world was in too much chaos for me to visit. So, I get to spend my time off with Chipper instead. My noos (father) and ngashi (mother) and mishomis (grandfather) and nokomis (grandmother) really love Chipper from the days when we were on the pow-wow trail together. They asked for news of your sister and my transfer. I told them the story about your nisayenh (brother) and his family and the fire and how the persons who started the fire were in the hospital in serious condition. They were niisaadendaagozi (sad over a loss) for all the people in the fire, but especially your nisayenh (brother) and his family.

    I hope you are surviving the chaos well, and I hope your nisayenh (brother) did not walk through his burned apartment before it had been safety-inspected, as he suggested he might have done.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 12:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, zeremy had asked abt the meeting that we had recently @ school, betw the principal, my 'rents, ger, ger's 'rents, and ms. prudehart. i'd sed i was gonna w8 until i was more calm b4 i wrote out the deets, and i guess i'm kinda calm @ the mo, so i guess i'll give it a try while that lasts, eh?

    now, u hafta remember sum backgd stuff abt ger's rents, melanie forsythe an' dr. aloysius forsythe. mrs. f. is s00per-skinnee, like so skinnee she makes mary-kate olsen feel chubby, or @least she wd if they knew ea other. every 1ce in a while, dr. f. checks her in2 an eating-disorder clinic, where they force her 2 gain a few lbs, then after she gets discharged, she diets them away again. she works as a professional shopper @ the luxurion dept store, she is always dressed in white, and the forsythe home is totally white inside 2. she freaks out when ger eats junk food, tho she has a secret stash of chocolate hidden away in the house for when she goes on her monthly binge of one choccky square. after which she forces herself 2 puke w/her ostrich feather that she keeps in a special designer case.

    dr. f. is a psychologist specializing in psychosexual health. he is totally obsessed w/ger's "psychosexual development" an' has all kindsa rules ger hasta follow about downloading sexxxxy stuff from online. like, u know, the opp of just abt every1 else's parents--ger is actually required 2 dl this stuff. and he hasta report on all these things 2 his dad in their creepy therapy sessions. ger's dad doesn't like me cuz he thinks i'm destined to b a sexless, repressed patterson. which is so unfair. and i hope so wrong.

    then there r my 'rents. u know how they r, eh? i've heard all the jokes abt how my dad an' my mom have only ever "gotten bizzy" 3x in their marriage, the 3x it took 2 make mike, liz, and me. legend has it that my dad kinda hits on my mom sumtymez, but she always shoots him down like his timing is horrible or the v. idea of them doing that is just wrong.

    and we have ms. prudehart, the teacher who caught ger giving me a "naugthy" book he pinched fr. his dad, a book he meant 4 me 2 learn from. for my b-day. cuz, since becks an' i had pinky-sworn that we both wd w8 until we were @ least 16 b4 we, like, went all the way w/a boy? ger totally took this 2 mean that i'm, like, contractually oblig8ed 2 do that w/him, like the v. second i turn 16. and he'd been blabbing 2 every1 w/ears abt this supposed obligation. an' putting up SIGNS in school.

    so, ms. prudehart. she confisc8ed that book and turned it in 2 the principal, who set up the mtg. and she also took down all of ger's signs and entered them in2 "evidence."

    the meeting went kinda like this:

    [after we'd all dun our awkward lil greetings and sat down]

    principal: well, i think we all know y this meeting is taking place, eh?

    mom: yes, gerald millicent delaney forsythe is a little pervert who is trying 2 steal my precious daughter's innocence!

    dad: thank goodness the johnston institute for better living (jifbl) still manufacters chastity belts for beset teenage girls!

    dr. f: typical repressed pattersons! condemning my son 4 having a normal libido! what's unnatural is how long he has put off consumm8ing what passes 4 a relationship with the little ice queen!

    me: i'm not an ice queen! that's liz, she's the ice queen!

    dr. f: all patterson girls r ice queens!

    principal: please, let's not descend in2 name calling. whether yr son is normal or not, his behaviour viol8ed the rules for student conduct and created a hostile environment for april patterson.

    dr. f: i object!

    principal: we r not in court, dr. forsythe.

    dr. f (gesturing @ ms. prudehart): then y does she have items marked "exhibit A" and "exhibit B"--and hey, that's my book!

    ms. prudehart: u let yr son read this filth!

    dr. f: healthy xxpression of sexuality is not filth!

    principal: 4give me, i haven't introduced ms. prudehart. ms. prudehart teaches our health courses and our biology courses.

    dr. f: god help us!

    principal: and as 4 y those items are marked as "exhibits," i believe we can chalk that up 2 ms. prudehart being a huge fan of the law and order franchise.

    ms. prudehart: that dick wolf is a genius.

    dr. f: oh, feh!

    mrs. f: "feh"? r u a jewish landlady all of a sudden?

    dr. f: what, i can't appropri8 xxpressions from different ethnic groups?

    mrs. f: i wd prefer that u did not.

    dr. f: y am i not surprised?

    mrs. f: don't start w/me, aloysius.

    dr. f: no, of course not, when wd i ever get 2 finish?

    mrs. f: and what's that supposed 2 mea--

    mom (interrupting): ms. prudehart, may i c that book, pls?

    ms. prudehart hands the book 2 mom

    mom (reading): 101 wayz 2 pls yr man w/fella--

    mom faints, drops the book.

    dr. f (picking up the book): typical patterson. may i have my book back, pls?

    dad revives mom by using smelling salts.

    principal: i m afraid we will have 2 keep that book in gerald's file--until the end of the yr.

    takes back the book

    mrs. f: thank god! i don't want that in my house.

    dr. f: melanie, u r being so milborough--

    mrs. f: do u have ne idea how many calories there r in yr typical--

    mom (sticks her fingers in her ears): laa, laa, laaa, laaaa, laaaaaa!

    dr. f: alwayz w/the caloriez!

    mrs. f: do u think i've 4gotten what u did 2 me when i was yung and naive? u told me that, that, that--stuff--has NEGATIVE caloriez and results in w8loss! u BASTARD! u tricked me in2 gaining 1 whole pound that wk! a pound!!!!

    dr. f: 4 heaven's sake, melanie, that was 20 yrs ago, and u've lost that pound many times over!

    mrs. f: it was deceit, aloysius, deceit!

    principal: xxcuse me, but may we pls get back 2 the matter @ hand? gerald was caught attempting to give april that suggestive material, in addition to pressuring her in2 agreeing to sexual intercourse with him on (checks notes) april 1 of 2007. in addition, (takes a piece of paper from ms. prudehart), he was heard suggesting to april that when they engage in sed intercourse, they need not use ne prophylactic devices, due 2 their mutual virginity. he reportedly suggested that she look in2 other modes of birth control, but immediately qualified this suggestion with the proposition that they forego birth control entirely so that she mite begin helping him sire "strong viking offspring."

    mom gasps. dad faints. mom revives him using smelling salts.

    mrs. f: don't do it, april! don't listen 2 my gerald or his perverted father! if u stay a virgin, u'll never get pregnant. if u get pregnant, u'll get FAT! or fatter, that is. i can give u a diet that wd--

    dr. f: oh, my god, melanie, only u wd turn this discussion from teenage sexuality 2 w8loss.

    mrs. f: i'm only trying 2 do the girl a favour.

    gerald: i like my little april flower with a little junk in her trunk!

    april: hey! i m totally ramping up my kickboxing workout sked.

    mrs. f: well, that's more like it, but let me give u a diet that works. . . .

    mom: hey, i resent yr encouraging my april 2 have body-image issues--

    dad: elly, there's nothing wrong with being thin! there's so much anti-thin sentiment l8ly--

    mrs. f (surprised) y thank u, dr. patterson! that's what i keep telling my aloysius.

    dad: mrs. forsythe, u certainly keep yrself in top shape, don't u? u'd b perfect 4 a chainsaw calendar, but i have 2 admit i'd find u even sexier if u had sum visible wrinkles.

    mrs. f: oh, thank botox i don't have 2 go down that path!

    principal: i think we r straying from our topic again, folks. look, i'd like to steer us back 2 the matter @ hand. gerald and april have both served detention already. gerald is going 2 b required 2 turn in a 500-word essay entitled "y it is wrong 2 pressure girls in2 sexual activity b4 they r ready." april will b required 2 write an essay of the same length, "y i don't have 2 feel pressured to engage in sexual activity with gerald forsythe or ne other boy, 4 that matter." we may thank ms. prudehart 4 the essay titles.

    dr. f (mumbling): i m so unsurprised.

    principal (ignoring dr. f): i wd like 2 know what u as parents intend 2 do abt this situation.

    mom: well, obvsly they can't be left alone 2gether!

    dad: that's 4 sure! a chastity belt is not fort knox, after all!

    mom: no unsupervised time with gerald, until further notice! group outings only, and chaperones unless duncan anderson is along in yr group. he's the only one of yr friends i completely trust!

    me: mom!

    mom: i m not finished. i m going 2 edit yr january letter. it will say that u and gerald r not the kind of couple who is joined @ the hip or kisses in public, and u will live up 2 what u say in the letter!

    gerald: can't we kiss in the hallways @ school if i'm pretending i'm only fixing april's hair 4 her?

    mom: NO! and i'm also going to put in sumthing abt how duncan and eva r 2gether and they're such a cute couple.

    me: why? dunc and ZANDRA LARSON. they're a couple.

    mom: oh, sure they r. like duncan anderson wd b with that goth girl.

    me: y wdn't he?

    mom: every1 knowz goths r violent. they're responsible 4 all the school shootings.

    me: nuh-uh, that's just a media stereotype, and a hysterical one.

    mom: if u continue 2 contradict me, u'll be locked in a tower until u r 18.

    me: ....

    mom: that's more like it.

    then every1 was talking @ once 4 a while, and it was kinda hard 2 sort out who was saying what. neway, that's what i remember. ger mite have sum more stuff 2 fill in, if he feelz like it.

    apes

     
  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, i dunno abt my bro and walking thru the apt. he likes 2 keep me in suspense.

    apes

     
  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    After that encounter with your parents and the principal, I can see you were being forced to skip Christmas Eve and New Years Eve with your boyfriend. I was visiting my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville Kelpfroth in the hospital at those times, but when I got back to Milborough, I could see the axe marks in the walls, which usually indicates that everyone had a good time.

    I read your Blog entry today, and I got quite upset. Lovey Saltzman is basically accusing my uncle Melville of attempted murder. AND she is saying she should have evicted my uncle and my aunt Winnie anyway, even though it would not have been legal. Such a nice woman. She is like a doppess, the useless but commiserating bystander; an ineffectual observer who is of little help (the shlemiel drops the iron, the shlemazl gets hurt, and the doppess says ‘tsk, tsk’).

    Josef Weeder has called over to the hospital, as you know, to find out how my aunt and uncle are doing. I have to admit that he and his girlfriend Carleen have managed to keep themselves out of all the Lovey / Patterson / Kelpfroth arguing which has been going on for so long. Aside from suggesting your brother write about his feelings to get rid of his anger over my uncle, they have kept their distance from the battle, which is pretty amazing, when you consider that they are supposed to be close friends of your brother and sister-in-law. I try to do the same thing. For example, I harbor no ill feelings towards you, even though your sister is trying to put me in prison, and your brother doesn’t get along with my aunt and uncle. It is gratifying to see that not all your brother’s friends are as vindictive as Lovey Saltzman.

    As for my aunt and my uncle, they are still recovering and the doctors say it is going to be some time before they are well again. I will try to spend as much time as I can with them, but I do have duties which call me elsewhere, like my job cooking and cleaning for Becky and her mom and Dr. Ted McCaulay. Their plans to replace me were thrown out of kilter when my trial kept on getting extended. Dr. McCaulay maintains that he and Becky’s mother Krystle cannot get married until my business has been settled one way or the other, so I think he is secretly happy my trial has been postponed. Becky’s mother Krystle is not as happy. She keeps saying, “If you were in prison, I would be married.”

    One of the upsides of going to Toronto so often to see my aunt and my uncle is that Becky usually comes and we usually go shopping after we have visited my aunt and uncle long enough for them to need to rest. Becky loves to shop and she has some money to spend. Her albums sales are starting to pick up again, with the success of her new single So You’ve Been Burned by a Patterson Again. I thought it would have a limited market, but apparently just in the Milborough / Toronto area there are quite a few people who have purchased it. Becky says it is because your mother has been in Milborough long enough to irritate and annoy thousands of people. I don’t know if I would give the credit entirely to your mother. The tune is kind of catchy.

    I hope you are managing well with so many people in your house and you don't get too depressed from not seeing Gerald.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, so thass wut happed w/the principal & mrs. prudehart. i have had sum similar kinda meetings w/them & my mom aftah the gym jam. they weren’t that xxciting tho. it wuz more kinda like mom sayin’ “i’m gonna ground him 4 a month.” & mrs. prudehart saying, “i’m gonna have his locker searched every day 4 drugs” and the principal saying, “i’m putting him on in-school detention & removing his rite 2 do sound 4 skool functions, xxcept 4 the 1s where i am speaking.” i’ve served out the grounding & the in-skool suspension & @least it’s ovah. i dunno wut i wud do if i wuz ur bf & i cud nevah get ne tyme alone w/u, unless i wuz w/duncan anderson. that wud bite. u didn’t rilly hafa wear a chastity belt, did u?

    az 4 the xmas eve party az lapril latterson, if ur mom or ur dad asks me, i still plan 2 tell her lapril wuz helpin' me, eh?

     
  • At 2:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    zeremy, yeah, we'd better stick w/the "lapril" story. thanx.

    az a compromise, i only hafta wear the c. belt when i'm having one of my supervised gerald visits. in case he goez crazy an', like, ties up dunc an' whoev else is w/us and attacks me. not that ger wd actually do that, but my parents r having a "trusting gerald" problem. az in, they totally don't.

    howard, i m v. sorry abt what i hadta report in 2day'z blog entry w/mike's comment. i hope that the chocckies i left 4 yr aunt and unk got 2 them, insteada being eaten by the nurses, eh?

    it's tru abt me being kept away fr. ger 4 xmas eve and xmas. that was kinda depressing, but otoh, ger hasn't been v. nice 2 me l8ly, which is also depressing.

    apes

     
  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    My uncle and aunt want you know they appreciate the thought behind the Christmas chocolates. Like most severe burn victims they are on a high water, low sodium, high protein diet, and I am afraid the chocolates did not count, but the nuts in them did. The types of burns they got cause significant fluid loss, so they have been drinking a lot. More drinking than eating.

    The doctors have been talking doing some skin grafts with them, which I don’t know how they will work out, because my uncle Melville, as you may or may not know, changes his physical body shape pretty much every time you see him, even with his skin severely burned. They are worried that if his body changes too much, it may reject the graft.

    What I did for my aunt and uncle was to bring my collection of Broadway music, which they love to listen to, all except for Rent, whose plotline has a lot to do with an insufferable landlord and his obnoxious, artistic, tenants. It brings up too many bad memories for them.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, i feel so stupid leaving choccies they cdn't even have! r they allowed 2 have chocolate slim fast shakes? it's not as good, but it's hi-protein and liquid, and still chocolate.

    apes

     
  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    My aunt Winnie and uncle Melville are on a very strict diet, since they are still listed as being in serious condition. I would stay away from food gifts right now. I know that may be difficult for you, given your family background of bringing food as gifts, no matter what the situation. Your mother's food gifts to your grandfather who has trouble swallowing since his stroke come to mind. No food gifts would be best. Sorry.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 8:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, howard, my patterson background is so hard 2 overcome sumtymez.

    apes

     
  • At 2:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Here is the next installment of my day back in Toronto to visit my apartment. After our landlady Lovey Saltzman, waxed on about how it was not alright for Melville Kelpfroth to try to kill us all using so many Yiddish phrases I lost count; I suggested to Weed we might go get a cup of coffee so I could tell him my story about the fire, and maybe we could leave the women behind. But, alas, Josef felt sorry for Carleen having to listen to Lovey continue on about the evils of cigar-smoking goyim, and he invited her to come along with us. As we left, Lovey was still ranting on, and she may still be there, for all I know.

    At the coffee house, Weed and I sat in our customary positions—looking each other in the eye, as Carleen sat in her customary position---off to the side somewhere. I started off with “Man, it happened so fast. My family was sleeping” and then it occurred to me I had used the word “Man” to start my speech, which was unusual for me, as if I suddenly forgot I was 30 years old and no longer in university. That little pause in thinking also helped to realize that perhaps I didn’t want to tell Weed how Deanna took the time to put boots, hats, and coats on the children and I called the emergency services before we tried to leave the apartment. And maybe I didn’t want to tell Weed that I didn’t actually get my wife and children outside, but instead left things up to Deanna as I went up to the attic. The firefighters and doctors at the hospital all told me those were stupid things to do, and I didn’t want Weed to think I was stupid, and only good for my looks. So I said to Weed, “and then suddenly, we were all outside!”

    At first Weed stared at me blankly. I wondered if he understood what I said, or if he was confused by my implication that magic was involved in getting my family from sleeping to all the way outside. But then Weed said, “We didn’t know what was going on until the fire trucks arrived!” I breathed a sigh of relief hearing that, because it meant Weed didn’t question what Deanna and I were doing in the apartment before we got outside. It meant Weed was miffed that he found out about the fire from the fire trucks and not from me. I know if I were Weed, and he had a fire in his apartment, and I had to find out from someone else about his fire, it would hurt my feelings too. I cried a little inside knowing I had hurt his feelings. I had to make him feel better about me, so I told him, “Those guys came just minutes after I called!” That way it would seem like I had planned to call him too, but the fire fighters were just too fast for my phone-dialing fingers.

    I could see Weed was relieved about my explanation, so I decided to tell him the exciting part of the story, about how “I went up to the attic…by the time I came down, I could hardly breathe…and I couldn’t see.” I could see the worry etching itself across Josef’s face. I could not stand it any longer. I had to let him know I was alright. I said, “Two guys pulled me out…I was never so glad to see someone in my life!” Then I realized I had said, “two guys” instead of “two firefighters”. Weed was going to think I have other men in my life, who come to rescue me, who aren’t firefighters and most importantly, who aren’t him. Weed yelled out “WHAT?!!”. I knew I had blundered.

    Weed said, “You went up to the attic when the place was full of smoke?” I was so relieved; Josef was just concerned for my safety. I knew he understood me, better than my wife did, since she called me crazy. So I told Josef the truth, “I had to get my laptop, Weed—and my book.”

    Then Josef reached out to me and held my arm from across the table. I can’t tell you how it felt to have someone near to me, who knows I am a Patterson and how I am wired, and who, in my hour of need, gave me the precious pun of pity. Josef said, “Well, for your sake, Mike…I hope it sells like a house on fire!” Those words were so beautiful, it brought me to tears. I am not a crying man, little sis, but it means so much to me to know that no matter how bad things get, there is someone out there who will tell me a pun, when I need a pun the most. I hope for you, little sis, that someday you will find a man for you, who will touch you as much as Josef Weeder has touched me.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
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