Liz will B off the hook 4 "repaying"

I woke up 2day knowing a bit more of what will happen on 23 August, the day Lizzie marries the Ant. Weed will B @ the TTH, where Liz and the bridal party will B gathered. And Carleen, still, like I mentioned yesterday. Weed will B taking pics, and he'll B all, "Now, a few shots of the bride getting ready! ...Look a bit frazzled, OK?" And Liz will B like, "I don't have 2 act, Jo!" "Jo"? Doesn't NE1 but me call him "Weed" NEmore?

Next, Carleen will B standing behind Liz fussing with the veil, and Weed will go, "Turn around, Carleen! We need the hair stylist in here!" If U R thinking, "When did Carleen, who is Weed's photography assistant and biz manager, become a hair stylist," I can't say I blame U! I think what's gonna happen is that when Mom finds out that my hairdresser, Sugar Van Rensselaer, is unwilling 2 don8 her services 4 free, she'll have a fit. And sumhow, sum1 will end up suggesting that Carleen knows how 2 do hair. How does she know how 2 do hair? I dunno (yet). MayB we'll find out, and mayB we won't. This is all pretty chaotic and confusing, I know!

So, where was I? Oh, rite! After Weed snaps his "hair stylist" pic, Carleen will tell Liz, "When he's done, U're going 2 have the most incredible album, Liz. He's up 4 another award, U know." And Liz will go, "Yes. I know." R U thinking that a bunch of the wedding-prep conversations R going 2 have a feel of establishing how well various ppl we know R doing in life? Same here! After Liz's line I just told U abt, Candace will B fussing w/Liz's bustle for sum reason (this doesn't seem v. Candace-like, but neither does being a bridesmaid in a strapless lavendar gown, so there U go). Liz will touch a hand 2 Carleen and go, "So many ppl R doing so much 4 me! U're making this day the most amazing day of my life!!"

Then, there will B this weird moment where Liz seems 2 B addressing an unseen TV camera, w/Candace standing just behind her rite side, clutching her rite shoulder, Dawn doing a left-shoulder clutch on the other side, then me behind Candace and Shawna-Marie behind Dawrn, clutching Dawn's left shoulder and kinda snuggling up 2 her. Liz will go, "What can I do 2 repay every1? I will B abt 2 say that thanking ppl wd B a v. v. good start, but B4 I have a chance, Candace will blurt, "Just enjoy it, girl!" And Dawn will go, "Yeah! ...This is our day 2!" Rite, cuz every1 is just so privileged 2 bask in the glow of a Pattercaine wedding, eh?

NEway, I guess I'll know sum more 2morrow. Or mayB sum1 else will wake up knowing sum stuff, like Mike did Wednesday.

Apes

Mom's reaction was usual

So a few wks ago, after they got the ring, Liz and Anthony came by our lil house and Liz xxtended her left hand 2 show Mom her ring. I was watching from the next room, but I didn't want 2 let on. So when I get 2 the part where I "find out" abt the engagement, it will B me acting all surprised. ::yawn::

NEway, Mom was looking really ugly, like sum 3rd-rate artist who didn't care @ all had been hired 2 draw her. And when she saw Lizzie's ring, she was all, "U're engaged!!! U're finally ENGAGED!!!" "Finally." Like this whole thing was inevitable and it was just a question of "when." Which I guess is true. Sad but true. As Anthony receded in2 silhouette, Mom threw her arms around Liz and yelled, "I'm so pleased, honey! I was hoping that you and Anthony wd get 2gether!" I was thinking, "No shizz, like that hasn't been obvious since, like, 4evs." Like even when Anthony was engaged and then married 2 sum1 else, and even when that sum1 else was xxpecting his baby, Mom was all lobbying 4 Liz 2 get w/him.

After she finished hugging Liz, Mom hugged Anthony. She was like, "Oh my gosh! We've got a wedding 2 plan 4!!" And Liz was all, "Mom!..." Then Mom disengaged from Anthony (who had retreated in2 silhouette again), Liz put a hand on each of Mom's upper arms and sed, "Mom! We're not planning NEthing, YET!... Let's just take this one step @ a time!!" But it was 2 l8. Mom had a thot bubble of Liz wearing a wedding gown and veil, holding a bouquet and going down a weird Escher-looking staircase. Hm, a staircase like that, Liz wd never make it down. We hafta find the hall that has those stairs!

Well, more on this later. MayB I'll get 2 the part where I act all surprised. And mayB Dad even got wrenched away from his trains 2 hear the news. Tune in and C!

Dunc, thanx 4 yr "Happy Easter" comment last nite. It was way weird not having U around 4 Easter this yr. I hope we go 2 the same uni!

Apes

The Handydad Special

Dad was sitting on his recliner looking kinda like a Zombie from sum movie called Invasion of the Train Zombies. I asked Mom, "What's w/Dad?" And Mom sed, "I dunno...All I did was ask him 2 fix the sliding door." Then Dad sed, "The horror. The horrorrrrrrr......"

A while after that he shared his story, which was that Merrie showed up w/sum brokedown dollhouse Dee had picked up @ a garge sale, telling Merrie that she'd gotten a gr8 price cuz it's a "fixer-upper." Then she started asking him 2 make repairs, like 2 the stairs, which were wiggly, and the banister, which was loose. There was a window that needed its glass replaced (I hope it wasn't real glass--that soundz dangerous). Then she wanted him 2 fix a dresser that was broken and needed its knobs replaced. Then a big part of the roof needed 2 B reshingled. After Dad did all those repairs, he and Merrie went in2 a dark-purple silhouette. Dee and Mike arrived in a kind of burnt-sienna silhouette, and as they transported the dollhouse 2 their car, Merrie was all, "Guess what! He even made a new top 4 the fireplace." So, apparently Dad's descent in2 a near-catatonic state was from Mom asking him 2 do a repair on our real house (the TTH) rite after he had dun a full set of repairs on Merrie's falling-apart dollhouse.

Apes

Zzzzzz

Well, in case NE1 wondered what happed @ the TTH rite after our so-called Xmas dinner this past Sunday (I know U weren't), when Dad was pulling the car in2 the driveway, Mom was all, "Oh, What's-er'-name, er, April, all those dishes from the desserts have 2 B brot in and washed. I know U won't mind. We'll catch up w/U inside."

So, as I was taking the dishes in2 the kitchen 2 wash 'em, I cd hear Mom and Dad having a dull convo as they put away their coats. Dad was being all, "Well, that was wonderful! The tree, the gifts, the decorations and the dinner.... The whole family was there in the true spirit and joy of the season!" Yeah, nuthing sez "Yuletide" like sequestering the yungest members of yr fam in the kitchen and thinking evil thots while a well-meaning in-law sez grace. Mom sed, "Yes--I think that was one of the best Xmas evenings I've ever had!" Then, I had a hunch she was thot-bubbling, so I peeked out from the kitchen, and sure enuf she had a thot bubble, all "...It was @ sumbody ELSE'S house!!!" Mom looked disturbingly manly as she was thinking that.

So, let's C. U know what happed w/Mom an' Dad rite after the dinner, and U know abt Liz an' Anthony. I predict that there will B sum sharing 2morrow abt Mike and Dee's reaction 2 the dinner. Not mind, b-cuz I'm not considered important enuf. Oh, and Liz d-cided 2 write in sum more last nite w/sum bonus info 4 U interested readers:

April,

Okay, well, I promised to tell you more about what happened between me and Anthony, let's just say that he was very persistent, and I had to be very insistent about guarding my secondary virginity, well, finally, Anthony asked why I wouldn't let him "slip one past the goalie" (yes that's how he put it) and I explained to him it was a curse, if we did it before marriage, we would never walk down the aisle, well Anthony asked how far we were allowed to go, and I checked the handy little "Sexual Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, and it turns out that premarital fondling of certain body parts normally kept hidden by underpants is okay, as long as the room is totally dark and it's just the woman doing the man, after all, a good woman does not experience s-e-x type pleasure, she just does it for the babies, anyway, it was awful, by morning my palms were rubbed raw, and Anthony was passed out across the bed sideways with his man-thing hanging out, and Frenchy came wandering down the hall, yelling for her daddy, turns out we were so wrapped up in our whole negotiation thing that we left her in the car seat last night and she spent the night in the garage which is fortunately attached to the house but is still cold as a refrigerator, she seems okay, just a little blue-ishy, but that went away after I plunked her down next to a heating vent before I left to go to the drugstore to buy salve for my hands, April, when you turn 18, you would be smart to just marry Gerald right away, so you don't have to go through years of this kind of agony, it is almost like some ugly old woman is drawing my "story" out to torture me.

Liz

OMG, poor Francie! What agencies do we call 2 intervene w/the kind of neglect?!?!?!?!

And I dunno if Ger wd even B interested NEmore in marrying me when we turn 18. I heard a rumour that Becky dumped Dustin Jimberlake and started d8ing Ger, in spite of her dad's wishes.

Apes

Prepare 4 flashback

R yr tray tables stowed? Yr seats in an uprite position? U know how sum sitcoms have special music an' wavy colours B4 they go in2 a flashback sequence? Well, if this were a sitcom, this entry wd B ending w/the special music and wavy colours.

Bored as I was, I actually started 2 help Liz fold her laundry after she'd retrieved it from the dryers. As I did, she asked me, "U adjusting 2 the new house?" And I was like, "Yea.... But it's weird. When Mom an' Dad R out, it's like I'm alone in my own apt. I wish I'd grown up w/a sibling closer 2 my own age. I mean--U an' Michael were much closer 2gether." And Liz was all, "Yes, but... Sumtymez we were so far apart...." And then she had a thot balloon over her head showing Dad swooping up lil' Nizzie, who grabbed his nose, as lil Mike looked on (standing behind Dad) w/a distressy, jealous look on his face.

Ru-uh, Raggy! Here come the flashbacks!

Apes

P.S. Thanx 4 the luv note "Anonymous Dood"--v. sweet of U!

Square hit me w/a rectangle

I'm finally up 2 the part where Dad and I got home after the telethon. As he was pulling the 'vASSe in2 the garage, he was all, "We're home! --Well... it's the NEW home." Which is kinda weird, y'know, st8ing the obvs, as if 4 the benefit of inattentive ppl listening in on our convo. And I was like, "That's OK. I'm starting 2 accept it." Then I figged I'd go 4 broke and show I'd assimil8ed all those "U're spoiled and U don't know how gd U've got it" talks ppl have shoved @ me, by being all "B-sides, compared 2 sum kids, I've got it pretty gd. I have a roof over my head, a bed 2 sleep in and 2 squares every day." Dad turned on my bedroom lite and I went in2 my room carrying my guitar as Dad sed,"That 3 squares: breakfast, lunch and dinner!" I sed, "Nope... I mean 2 squares!" I put my guitar down on my bed and jabbed a finger in2 Dad's chest 2 show him that in outd8ed 1960s parlance, HE was one of the 2 "squares." His response was 2 grab one of my (rectangular) pillows and WHUMP me on the hed w/it, so hard that my hair clasp went flying out of my propellor bun, his glasses went flying up off of his face, there was a star pattern over my hed, and motion lines in the air. Well, sum of U don't know how gd U have it! U have normal dads who don't WHUMP them really hard with a pillow 4 making a mild joke @ their xxpense. And 4 those of U who have it so gd as that, I have one question. Do U have room 4 one 16yo girl who plays the guitar, likes granola cereal with milk in the morning, and doesn't take up v. much space?

Apes

No1 else wants 2 play choo-choos

Yesterday, I got a package from Dunc! It had a Playstation game in it, a game called Gems, which is apparently only available in Barbados. It's like a knock-off of Bejeweled, but made for Playstation. I figured I'd pop it in our unit and give it a try, esp. since Dad was outside getting his new model-train layout set up, so it was gonna B one of those days.

Sure enuf, as soon as I was getting really in2 playing this new Gems game (warning: it has that same "crack" effect U get from Bejeweled!) Dad was there @ my shoulder, in his embarrassing choo-choo overalls and cap (bad enuf he plays w/toy trains--he also hasta play dress-up as a train engineer). He was all, "April! Wanna come outside an' C what I'm doing w/my trains?" (Note 2 Mike: Yes, Dad sed "an'.") I was all, "No thanx, Dad... I'm on a roll!" 'Course he didn't just take the hint and move on, instead he was totally "U've gotta C my new workshop! I've got it all organized!" And I sed, "OK ... MayB l8er."

Then Dad grabbed the fone, and I guess he figged that since Mike lives down the street from us now, he's available for "look at my choo-choo" calls, LOL. I heard Dad saying, "Hey, Mike! Wanna check out my new layout?" Then I heard him pausing and sounding sad as he sed, "Oh. OK. Sure. I'll call 2morrow......... 'Bye." Watch out, Mike. That means Dad will call U 2day! Have U prepared an xxcuse not 2 come look @ the choo-choos this time?

NEway, I heard Dad making a coupla other calls:"Steve! --It's John Patterson! What? Hey-- no problem! Go 4 it! Get a hole in 1 out there, buddy!" After his call 2 Steve Nichols, he even got out his address book 2 call sum guy Dave that he barely knows: "Dave! Wanna come over? No? Well... Say 'hi!' 2 the grandkids 4 me!"

L8er on, Mom cdn't find him when supper was ready, so she went out 2 the back deck, and she found him sitting on the steps looking mopey. When she asked him what was wrong, he was all, "::snort:: ....I've got nobody 2 play w/."

BTW, during the time when we were making our plans 2 move and actually moving, I got a lot of v. supportive e-mails from peeps who understood Y I was upset abt how my fam had been handling our move. Lots of U wrote "Yr dad had better make good on his promise 2 renov8 the basement in2 an apt 4 U--if that's what U want, NEway!" Well, as U can tell, that didn't happ. The 1st thing Dad did after we were unpacked and had the basic repairs dun was 2 start working on those idiot trains and his choo-choo workshop. Tho I guess I wasn't xxpecting diff. MayB hoping a lil bit, but not xxpecting. Oh, well, next month I go 2 the farm! And tune in 2morrow, prob 4 more on that telethon.

Edit: Oops, I didn't C the last few comments 2 yesterday's post until after I published this entry. Shannon, sum ppl tell me that keeping everything in while acting "nice" is not v. "nice" @ all, but passive-aggressive instead. But when I talk 2 ppl abt what bothers me, I will try 2 B nice abt it. Jeremy, I will try an' pretend U didn't imply that I tell things boringly. Honoria, U're welcome 4 my Ger-Chihuahua house call yesterday. I'm glad I had sum samples of worm meds from Laura's vet clinic. I won't repeat the thots Ger had rite B4 he passed out, cuz I know how much U value bein' a lady an' all.

Apes

Home, bad pun, home!

We were doing a bunch of unpacking, cleaning, and other new-house work that was making us sweat. Dad was holding a big ol' area rug, all "Give me a hand w/this area rug, April." I was moving a coffee table and sed, "I think I'd better vacuum the floor 1st, Dad." A bit l8r, Mom was outside scrubbing, scraping, skrubbing, and skritting the BBQ grill, and Dad came out an' sed, "I found the utensils, honey. Cd U clean them off 2?" After that, Mom came in and I was all, "I've unpacked the last box, Mom--an' I washed the front windows." C how "spoiled" I'm not? Mom was like, "We're completely moved in. We can finally call this place 'ours.'" Then I sed, "Yeah!" Then we all flopped on2 the chesterfield, me in the middle and Mom and Dad sitting on either side, and I badpunned, "Home sweat home!!" Much as I h8ed 2 hafta do that, I knew it wd help put Mom an' Dad in a better mood than they wd B otherwise, and they'd B more inclined 2 notice I'd been all helpful and not-complainy the whole day. And mayB they'd remember 2 cut me sum slack sumtyme soon, eh?

Apes

Old and broken down is the new "new," yo!

So, shortly after Mom had that convo w/the contractor guy and got their bill, Dad came home and was all, "::sniff:: .... What's that smell?" I was like, "Mothballs. The roof repair guys put them in the attic 2 get rid of the squirrels." I guess this shows Dad's sense of smell is keener than his hearing, since he never heard NE squirrel activity, yet can smell moth balls that are up in the attic. NEway, Dad, while removing his shoes, was like, "Squirrels?!" And I told him, "Yeah... An' the sump pump is borked. So Mom went 2 get a new one." Then I used my foot 2 demonstr8 a squeaky spot in the floor, all "Did U notice the squeek [sic] in the hallway? There R carpenter ants in the porch supports. An' it looks like the fridge compressor is going." Dad went, "What? Stibbs sed that fridge was NEW!" And I thot bubbled, "New house.... New hassles." But really I was wondering Y the eff Dad never got an actual inspector in2 the place B4 arranging 2 buy. What, Stibbs got the "kindly old man" pass? How stoopid!

Apes