Yo, Liz they have APARTMENTS rite in GLENALLEN!

So, guess what? Liz called Mom all, "Hello, Mom? --I've been thinking about this new job and how close it will B 2 U guyz! And, I was wondering if...." And B4 she even finished, Mom was all, "I've already made up the guest bedroom, honey. We'd luv 2 have U move back home." Then after she hung up the phone, she poked Dad in the belly and sed "C? I told U we needed this house! We can't move 2 a smaller place yet." Mom looked v. triumphant. And Dad was, like, "I guess yr rite." He told me that his next thot was "Just when I thot we had empty nest insurance... I find out that we signed an open door policy!" I asked him what the fugg "empty nest insurance" is, but he just laffed and changed the subject. 2 trains. So U know I was outta there fast.

But Liz? Y? They do have apartments, rite in yr new school's nabe. U cd find 1 real close, where U don't even need 2 drive the 25 km, but can walk instead. AND have yr independence. Like, U know, have Paul over whenev U can and get lots of privacy and all. Dood, when I move out, I am so not looking back (like I'd have a choice NEway--as soon as I'm out my room will B full of plastic storage containers and plastic-storage-container cozies)!

NEway, I'm v. psyched that Dr. Strange was able 2 strike a compromise w/U-know-who up in Corbeil, so I can get outta the house 2 go 2 Vicki's end-of-summer party. That's gonna B so cube!

Apes

MY Room!

Mom was sewing, and I went up 2 her and asked, "If Elizabeth has a teaching job near here, does that mean seh'll B moving back in w/us?" Mom was all, "I don't know, April." And sumhow she sed this all while keeping her mouth clamped shut around a str8 pin! I was, like, "B-cuz.... I don't wanna give up my room! I know it used 2 B hers, but it's MINE now. U guyz let me totally redecor8 it, and...." Mom took out the str8 pin 2 say, "Honey, if Liz moves back in, it will only B until she finds a place of her own." And I was all "Y wd she do that, when it's so much cheaper 2 live @ home?" Mom got a stunned look on her face, so I was like, "I just stunned U w/logic, didn't I." But I'm thinking it cda been sumthing else that stunned her, like how my hands deformed in2 spindly little claws as my jaw, having lost its definition, sank down in2 them. And my eyes turned in2 2 apostrophes, as they sumtymez do. Or Mom mighta been thinking, "No! It's two down, one 2 go! No steps backwardz away fr. an empty nest! Empty nest, EMPTY NEST!" .

Maybe.

NEway, I asked Mom Y Mike keeps hinting that there's sum dark secret abt her and Dad that makes them sumhow not an xxception to the "childhood sweetheart/destiny" rule, a secret I don't get to know until I'm 18 or married. Mom burst out laffing with her tung way out. I had 2 dry myself off, her spittle flew so hard. Then she sed, "OMG, does he still believe that tale John and I spun, all because his Michael head couldn't handle the idea that some rules indeed have xxceptions?" And I was all, "It loox that way, but what's the story?" Mom chuckled and sed, "It's so ridiculous, I was sure Mike had figured out it was fiction by now. But I'll have 2 save it for another time, I have 2 finish up this sewing and then Connie wants 2 jog." W/that she stuck the sr8 pin back in2 her mouth and got bizzy again.

Liz, I'd B glad 2 scope out thoze rental adz 4 U in the paper! After all, I can't leave the house 4 a while, I mite as well find sumthing 2 do!!!

Apes

Liz writes 2 Paul abt the job

Liz shared an e-mail she wrote 2 Paul: "Dear Paul--Great news! I've got a full-time teaching position at a school that's about 16 miles from where I grew up! I had an interview today and came home with stacks of material. The teacher I'm replacing left so suddenly that nobody was prepared. This means I'll have a schedule, predictable hours, and I can come to see you during the holidays." She sez that after she wrote that, she thot, "This will B the first time since I was a child that I counted the days until Christmas!"

Ha, Mike, HA! Liz still luvs PAUL! Maybe U can stop pimping Anthony and trying 2 ruin Liz's relationship with PAUL, eh?

Jeremy, Eva, sorry that force field kept us fr. getting 2gether. I guess I probably won't C U till Tuesday!

Apes

Align Lap, Await Job, PLOP!

So Lizzie's prediction about a teaching job magically dropping in2 her lap @ the last minute, cuz of being a Patterson, came true. She wrote in last nite:

I have very exciting news, though I know you are expecting it, I got a job today! It is in Glenallen Public School which I am not sure exactly where it is just yet, you know I am not good with that sort of thing, but it is close by home here, that's just what I wanted as you know.

Just like I told Paul, I didn't have to interview at all for this job, they just called up and offered it to me out of the blue, I don't even think I sent them a rezoomay. I promised to come in for what they call an orientation interview tomorrow morning, even though I already have the job, they just gave it to me over the phone without meeting me.

Right away I called Mom, of course she is the most important person to talk to first about all these things, I told her the story of why there was suddenly a job opening for me. This one teacher decided to get divorced from her husband and move home to England, she decided it so fast that she just ran straight to the airport when she decided and called up to quit her job, it all happened in like 15 minutes or something. It is like fate wants me to teach there, it must be meant to be. Mom said "See what did I always tell you, the Good Witch of the North always provides," I giggled, I love that Mom always remembers how Glinda was my favorite character from The Wizard of Oz.

When I called to tell Paul he told me this teacher leaving town story sounded very suspicious, almost like it was a made up story or something, but no, I told him it was true, and then he said it still sounded weird, and that nobody would act like that, and maybe she was getting deported or something, and I had to keep telling him that isn't how it worked at all, this woman just decided at the last minute to just pick up and leave her husband and her job right away that very same day. Paul kept saying "that doesn't happen" so I had to hang up on him, I was very upset.

But I'm so excited about getting a job, I filled up my four quart saucepan to the top with Kraft macaroni and cheese and then I just ate all of it straight out of the pot while I talked to Mom, it was such a great treat. I kind of spilled a lot down the front of the shirt I was wearing though, it is hard to eat and talk at the same time, food falls out, but it was okay, Shiimsa ate the stuff that hit the floor.

I will tell you more information when I know it later, if I feel like talking that is.

So, yeah, this does sound like the work of a certain Someone whose name we don't say around here, lest she shrink us 2 baby size, give us zits, unleash our mirror selves, turn us in2 dogs, or disappear us. Or prematurely age us. Or doom us 2 more than a decade of menopause. We've learned 2 B v. v. cautious.

Well, congrats, Liz, I know this is what U were hoping 4. Guess U've gotta get bizzy w/yr lesson planz & acquainting yrself w/yr new school's curriculum and all that fun stuff, eh?

Apes

Ugh, my 'rents!

K, so U know how my mom has been talking abt getting back in2 doing sum writing, like she useta do in the old dayz? And she took thoze creative-nonfiction classes this summer an' all? Well, she actually got this published in the Milborough Shopper:

How to Spice Up Your Marriage After Middle Age

By Elly Patterson

Well, you know what they say: "Middle age is when your age shows around your middle!" And isn't that the truth? No matter how I diet, no matter how often I go jogging with my dear friend and next-door neighbour Connie Poirier, I just cannot lose that lard around my middle! And I know I'm not alone, right, ladies?

So, middle-age spread is depressing enough, but who amongst my age-set does not get into a "rut" relationship-wise? I mean, after a while, your spouse is comfortable, like an old shoe, no? So you really need to be a little bit creative to spice things up now and then. Just recently, I was making the bed, after having done the laundry. I like the laundry done just so, and therefore, I usually do not like my husband, the well respected John Patterson, DDS, to do it, willing as he is. Anyway, as I was putting the gorgeous yellow pillow cases on the pillows, John was sitting on the edge of the bed, adorned as it was with the purple-flower-on-teal-background coordinated comforter and bed skirt. I was peering at him over the tops of my glasses, when an inspiration hit me. I gave him a WHAPPP! to the head, knocking his glasses right off of him! And in reponse, he gave me a big old WHACK to MY head, knocking MY glasses off. Without stopping to pick up our glasses, we kept WHAPPING, WHAKKING, and BOOFFING each other with those pillows until we fell, exhausted, and laughing. I, of course, laughed with my tongue extended, a sign of true enjoyment. John had knocked my hair loose from its bun! And John said, "Ahhh... It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing!!!" He hugged me and said, "And baby? ...You've still got it!"

Pillow fights might seem silly and juvenile, but I have to tell you, we felt twenty years younger!!! Who knew something so childish can be so rejuvenating! So, embrace your inner child, find something silly to do, and recapture some of your lost youth and innocence. We did, and I'm so glad! Oh, Connie asked whether all this playfulness led to, well, "relations". Can you believe her? I asked her why her mind would go there, when here I was talking about childish fun! I swear, some people think of nothing else, even after menopause!

Whatevs. And ew.

Liz, ha, I guess this is becoming a habit 4 Mom an' Dad. Figs Dad overreacted. And Ger, OMG, I nev imagined yr Mom had such a violent side when it came 2 yr Aunt Vinnie. And LOL on my mom teaching that domestic-harmony class 4 the cops!

Apes

Amazing AND Awesome in Consecutive Sentences

Just when U thot Pattersons and the ppl who talk 2 'em use "amazing" and "awesome" 2 much as it is. . . .

When I was closing up my suitcase after packing, I told Uncle Danny, "I wish I didn't hafta go already." And he was all, "Hey! What happened 2 the homesick kid we had here last week?" Was I homesick? I musta 4got. And I was, like, "I miss home, but I've had an amazing time here, Uncle Danny! --And working w/Laura at the clinic was awesome!" Then as we were headed down the stairs, and U.D. carried my suitcase while I carried my guitar, I sed, "Know what? I think I'd like 2 B a veterinarian." And Unk Danny was all, "That's gr8, April! All U have 2 do is focus on getting top marks until U get in2 university--work hard 4 six more yearz--and U're done!" And I got a bugged-eyed look on my face and sed, "Oh."

Well, I hope I don't suddenly lose my ambitions 2 B a vet cuz it's "too much work" 2 get the education and all. That wd B way lame.

Apes

Not passing out an' stuff

So, I sent an e-mail 2 Mom and Dad. When I write e-mail 2 them, I format it like a formal letter w/address blocks and salutation and all, cuz Mom or Dad alwayz prints it out, and then will complain if the e-mail isn't in "proper letter format". They R so stone age. So of course, Dad printed out this latest e-mail and read part of it to Mom. Dad told me that he read the part where I wrote, "Four days a week, I work on the farm. Thursday and Friday I work at the veterinary clinic and Sundays I have off. Laura and Dr. Simmons are letting me help with the surgery. It's cool to see what's inside a living body. I don't mind the blood and they're teaching me how to pass instruments." Dad sez that rite after he read that part, he went, "Hah! --I'm surprised she hasn't passed out!!!" Then he was all, "Elly?" Cuz Mom had her head down on the kitchen table with her eyes scrunched closed and her mouth at a weird angle, like it started down on the bottom of the rite side of her face and then shot up diagonally 2 just under her nose on the left. I sed 2 Dad mayB she ought 2 B checked 2 make sure she hasn't had a stroke, but Dad laffed me off as using "Martian humour".

So, peeps, does my Mom seem OK 2 U? U know, "OK 4 Elly Patterson". I know she'z not like regular ppl.

Apes

AWESOME

Did U know that looking inside of a living thing, that's been cut open 2 have surgery, is AWESOME! Yup, it's true! Y'see, Laura was driving me home fr. the vet clinic in her pickup truck, Schemp, and I was all, "I did it, Laura! I watched real surgery!" And Laura was all, "And U were a big help, 2. U monitored the patient's breathing, U got us stuff & U cleaned up afterwards!" I was like, "I actually looked inside a living thing--and U know what? --It was awesome. There's not much difference between operating on animals and operation on ppl, is there." (Statement, not question.) Laura was like "Ppl complain more." And I laffed, but NOT w/my tung stinking out, thank U v. much! Then I sed, "But when ppl R on the oper8ing table, under general anesthesia, they R not complaining either, eh?" And Laura was, like, "No, I guess not. So, what do U think Mom will make 4 dinner." I was like, "Probably cake." Laura sed, "Let's stop off @ the diner and get sum takeout in case that's true. Mom's cooking may kill me." And we both laffed w/our tungs not sticking out.

Becks, Howard, all I can say? Oh. My. God.

Apes

Clover's Operation

When Dr. Simmons and Laura were getting ready 2 do the spaying surgery on the dog, Clover, I stuck my head in and asked, "Can I watch the surgery?" Laura answered (which was kinda strange cuz she wasn't in charge there), saying "Sure, but U'll have 2 put on a mask and gown, and do xxactly as U're told." And I was like, "OK!" Inside, I asked, "Is she anaesthetized?" (DUH!) And Laura was all, "Yes... And U can hold this basin while I shave her tummy." L8r, the doc was all, "Wipe, please. Tweezers. Pull harder. Tighten the ligatures. Cut. Gauze. No bleeding? Good job. Let's close our puppy up." Afterwards, when Laura and I were washing up, Laura asked, "R U OK, April?" And I sed, "Sure! I've seen stuff like that B4 lots of times!" And then I thot, "It just smellz way different than it does on television!" And while I thot that, I had the Patterson "speed freak" eyes, I'm pretty sure.

Apes

Bad, vaguely racist pun from Laura!

@ the vet clinic, a woman brought in a dog named Clover. I heard Laura telling the woman, "We'll do the surgery this afternoon, Mrs. Prescott, and we'll let U know when Clover is ready 2 come home. " After Mrs. Prescott left the clinic, I asked Laura, "What kind of surgery R U gonna do?" Laura was all, "We're going 2 remove her uterus, so she won't have puppies." As Laura was putting Clover in one of the cages, I was, like, "Oh, U mean--she's gonna get 'fixed'!" And U cd tell from my voice that "fixed" had "quotes". And Laura was, like, "That's not the word we use, April." Then she got that gleam in her eye that ppl in my fam get rite B4 unleashing a horrible pun, and she sed, "We like 2 call a spayed a spayed!" And I had that idiotic "gobsmacked" look on my face, I'm pretty sure, but only cuz the pun was not only bad but also vaguely racist. Cuz U know, U R punning on "spade" which was used as a nasty racist term 4 black foax, in the States. Yeah, the original expression goez back 2 gardening/farming implements, but still, not cool. I sed all this 2 Laura, but she rolled her eyez an' sed, "Pun, April! Pun! Laff w/yr tung sticking out!" And I was like, "No, I'm suppressing that part of the Patterson legacy."

Apes

I e-mailed Ger

I sent an e-mail 2 Ger. I started it like a formal letter, which is kinda weird, unless U R a Patterson. I'm not sure Y we do this, but whatevs:

Dear Gerald,

How's it going? Uncle Danny's letting me drive the tractor lots this year an' I'm looking after the horses. There's no pigs here anymore, but we've got 6 chickens and a rooster that'll chase U if U get 2 close. My cousin, Laura, is gonna be a veterinarian. She's working as an assistant at the clinic here, and she said I could help! So far, I've just been organizing supplies, which is super interesting. Like when I found a gigantic hypodermic needle, and the very sight of it made me bug out my eyes and drop the thing. Laura said, "Those syringes are only used on very large animals, April!" Which is good, cuz I thot maybe the vet was a very large junkie or sumthin'.

So, Ger, I hope U R feeling better after yr times in hospital this month. I can't wait 2 C U again, tho U know my 'rents have that weirdness abt keeping me here until the last poss second so's we can't even C ea other B4 the 1st day of school. I hope we won't have 2 much exposition in our convo when we see ea other next month!

Love,

April

NEway, Jeremy, wow! I can't believe there was an actual goat-headed monster. I thot it was Dunc's usual xxagerating abt his lil nephew fr. Barbados. He callz him the goat baby, but I've seen him and he pretty much just loox like a regular baby. And Dunc's Auntie Perdita is pretty petite. So I wonder what-all happed @ the scaree lake!

Apes

Guest Blogger: Josef "Weed" Weeder

Hello, April's readers! It's Mike's friend Weed. As you might have noticed, Mike really harshes on his baby sister April when she uses anyone else's material in her blog entries. So Mike, man, lay off for this one, because I e-mailed April and asked her to let me post here!

So, you might have heard about John Patterson's speeding ticket not too long ago, when he was hot-rodding his "turbo" Crevasse stationwagon Dadmobile, trying to impress April's teenage-boy pals in the saddest possible way. And you might have thought this might have been a lesson to some other Pattersons. But if you had, you'd have been wrong, at least if the Patterson you had in mind was one Michael Patterson, my friend, neighbour, and former roommate.

So, here's what happened. As I rode shotgun, Mike was driving his little blue four-door vehicle, merrily talking about something, his accelerator foot becoming heavier and heavier the more animated he became. He was speeding along so fast the car hovered over the road in the most alarming way. And I couldn't even tell you what Mike was saying, because at a certain point I just sort of tuned him out, and what he said registered as "Yack yack yack yack"; "Yack, yack, yack, yack"; "Yack yack yack yack". Suddenly a cop, his car strategically hidden in speed-trap fashion, came wailing behind us. When Mike realized this, he said, "Uh oh." The cop pulled us over and asked the traditional question, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And Mike replied, "Um...No. --I was talking and I guess I wasn't paying attention." The cop said, "The fine I could give you is $200.00, but I'll cut it in half since you admitted to speeding." Which isn't exactly true, but I wasn't about to argue. Mike looked as though he was thinking, "Gulp". Afterwards, Mike wailed, "A TICKET! Oh, cheeeze! This is the LAST thing I need!!!" April, what is it with your family and using "cheeze" as an exclamation? Weird. Well, in response, I told Mike, "Look at it this way, man... It's only 10 in the morning--and you've already made a hundred bucks!" Mike had one of those wide-eyed looks people in your family are always having in reaction to someone's comment. I think you've called it "gobsmacked", April.

Anyway, you might want to take this as a lesson. Pattersons should not try to talk and drive at the same time. They need to concentrate on driving. If you really need to talk, pull over to the shoulder, talk, and then pull back out into traffic only when you're finished with the talking and can put your full attention back into your driving.

That's my take, and I'm outta here

Weed

2 Hands, and When'd They Hire One of Them?

After Laura'd gotten herself all cleaned up and changed, and put her hair up in2 a bun instead of a braid, we were all sitting @ the dinner table and Laura was all, "Dr. Simmons sez U can help us @ the vet clinic if U want 2, April." And I was like, "U mean, like clean out the cagez?" And Laura sed, "Yeah--and montoring the patients during recovery, organizing the surgical instruments--we can even show U how 2 change dressings and stuff like that." And I clutched both hands 2 my sternum, all, "Laura, I wd totally LOVE 2 work @ the vet clinic!!!" And Auntie Bev was all, "But, we need U here as a hired hand!" I stretched my hands in front of me and sed, "I can do both, Auntie Bev! ...I've got TWO of them!!" But what I shda dun was 2 ask what happed since Unk Danny told me last yr that the farm wasn't the bizzy place it useta B, and how he and Aunt Bev were doing other jobs cuz the farm was a hobby farm and all? Now they suddenly need a hired hand? And when did they hire me? I thot I was there 2 fig out if I wanna B a vet or not, and helping @ the vet clinic is the best way. But U can totally tell that Aunt Bev is Dad's sister, trying 2 find wayz 2 piss on my dreamz, eh?

Oh, and Liz told me a story abt when she an' Mike was little, and Liz accidentally proved that Mom was rite when she told them that putting liquid soap in the dishwasher wd cause it 2 foam all over the place. Good times, eh?

Apes

Laura was breech, in case U wondered!

When Laura got back fr. helping w/the calf birth, she was taking the big farmhand overalls off from over her shorts an' tee. And I asked her, "Laura, U saw a calf being born?" And she sed, "I helped w/the delivery. She dropped the overalls in2 a huge basket that Aunt Bev was holding a-ready, and Aunt Bev asked, "Were there NE complications?" Laura was, like, "No, the Mom was super restless, so we just had 2 make sure the baby was safe." I was all, "That musta been awesum!" And as Laura carried off the gihugic basket, she was like, "It was April. Giving birth is nature's most amazing miracle!" And Auntie Bev was all, "U're telling me!--U took 32 hrs 2 show up, and U decided 2 come feet first!" I think we both looked @ her quizzically then, cuz we were talkin' abt cow births, not Laura births. L8r, Laura told me, "U will not believe how many times Mom haulz out my birth story like that!" And I was like, "I totally believe it. Try being born @ home b-cuz there'z a huge ice storm, even tho it's April first, when yr mom is 40, so U can alwayz B her oops-baby April fool. Total barrel of monkeyz, lemme tell U!"

Apes

Laura birthing baby cows!

After the horse-drama, Auntie Bev asked me 2 check the henhouse 4 eggs. There were only 2 eggs. I told Bev, "I don't think the chickenz R in the mood." And Bev was all, "Oh well. It's enuf 2 make a cake. Laura will B home soon. She'z had a heavy day." When I was like, "A heavy day?" Aunt Bev was all, "She and Dr. Simmons have been out on callz, so they've beenhandling sum big animalz--which takes patience and a lot of strength!" L8r, Laura told me she'd assisted Dr. Simmons w/a cow that was having a calf. She told me the lil baby calf weighed over 40 lbs. I was all, "Well, @ least U weren't assisting w/a pregnant elephant!" She was, like, "Yeah, I guess. But 40 pounds!" And I sed, "Yeah, that's kinda like 18 kg, eh?" And Laura was, like, "Oh, yeah, I 4got we're Canadian!"

And no, Mike, Laura did not make rounds wearing a tiny babydoll t-shirt an' cutoff shorts. She had these big ol' oversized overalls an' sum beat-up work shoes. Y do U ask?

Mike, Anthony, I dunno. That sitcom doesn't seem that funny. It seemz more like, what was it they tell U not 2 do in creative writing? Oh, rite, the whole "wish fulfillment" thing.

Apes

I am SUCH a Doofus!

After Auntie Bev helped me get ahold of Tawny, the horse who'd run off after giving me a "bunt" w/her head, I was all, "I don't get it. Last yr, the horses were so easy 2 handle. This yr, it's like they're making fun of me!" Which they totally R, but I kinda can't blame them b-cuz I was being such a DOOFUS! Auntie Bev was all, "They have 2 get used 2 U again, April. When U have worked w/them 4 a while, they'll b-have better." And I was, like, "Oh. I thot Tawny, @ least, wd know me!'' Since she scored so much higher than Belle on those standardized intelligence tests. And Aunt Bev was all, "She does!" And just then, Tawny lifted me by the seat of my shorts, and Aunt Bev sed, "U used 2 keep treats in yr pockets! ...Remember?" Yeah, treats in my pockets, I guess that was a mistake.

Dunc, glad 2 C U got 2 post a lil bit last nite, even tho U got cut off B4 U cd finish. Sorry 2 hear U R having a bad time @ yr 'rents' cottage!

Apes

I Guess I'm a Horse Shouter Now

Well, I guess I'm not such a natural w/the animals after all. After I cleaned myself up the other day after my lil accident w/the horse poop, I went in2 the stable 2 give hay 2 that horse who'd laffed @ me. I was all, "OK, Grass Grinder. Just b-cuz I'm a city kid, don't start thinking U're smarter than I am." Then I opened the gate 2 the stall, an' the horse bunted me w/its head (so its head actually said "BUNT!") 2 get by me, and then went running out in2 the pasture. I shouted, "W8! Come back here! That's it, Tawny! --U don't get 2 go 4 a run 2day!!!" Which was pretty st00pid of me, cuz obvs Tawny was already getting a run. And I h8 how much I acted like Mom, squeezing my eyez shut, opening my mouth hella wide, and yelling @ a horse! So I guess I'm not much of a horse whisperer, like they all thot here last summer. I'm more like a horse shouter. Boo.

Becks, soundz like U had a v. nice time w/that Nolan guy. I think he prolly likes U 4 U, which is v. cube!

Jeremy, Eva, Vicks, an' Gordie, hope no1 got hurt on yr dbl d8 last nite!

Apes

Horses laff @ misfortune of others!

Well, I have a farm story 4 U all, tho I have a feeling U R gonna wish I were writing abt Mom organizing her spices in order of how much she uses them in her burnt-butt casseroles or Dad sewing train coziez. So I was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, a pair of real-deal shizz-kicker boots, and I was in the stable all set to shovel out the stalls, like Auntie Bev an' Unk Danny had asked me 2 do. Aunt Bev was all, "U're OK shovelling out the stallz, April?" And I pretty much wanted 2 say, "No! Ew!" But I wanted 2 have a gd attitude, esp. w/animal tasks, so I was all, "Sure! I'm plugged in2 my tunes!" Bev was like, "That meanz U can't hear NEthing." And I was all, "I hear what need 2 hear, Auntie Bev!" So I'm grimmacing while shoveling a heavy pile of horsey poo in2 the poo-wagon, when sum prankster @ foot level yells out "Trip!" And I do. And as I was midair, w/my bangz flying 2 one side, I had a weird feeling that I looked like Liz. And then I landed. W/my hands & forearms in the stinking manure. And the horse, like, laffed @ me, all "Snort! WHEEAAH!" And I was all, "I heard that!" L8r, when I asked what kinda sadistic horses find humour in others' misfortune like that, Uncle Danny was all, "Lighten up, they just like sum good old-fashioned slapstick! Be happy they don't know how 2 pun!" And I had 2 admit he had a point there! I wish I knew who played that trick on me, yellin' "Trip" @ my feet!

Well, doodz, if U R all suddenly gonna start reporting that U've recently found yrself w/yr hands an' forearmz in poo of various kindz, U have my sincerest condolences. I don't wish that on NE1, yo, xxcept mayB Anthony. Unless he'z, like, in2 that kinda thing!

Apes

Security Cam

Dad called 2 ask Uncle Danny Y it mite B that the sprinkler cd B on an hour w/out getting the lawn v. wet. Unk Danny sed, "Hm, that soundz strange, John. But didn't April mention that U have security cams set up around yr house? MayB they cd help solve yr mystery." I heard that and asked what was up. Danny cupped the fone an' told me, so I accessed the cam archives remotely (Dunc and Josh the Geek God helped me set that up B4 I left 4 the farm). And as U can C fr. these screen capz, Eddie took a drink fr. the sprinkler an' then ended up taking a nap on it. (I wrote in the sound effects an' thots!) I called Dad back 2 tell him, and he was flabbergasted, as per usual.

Well, Laura wants 2 go swimsuit shopping, so gotta fly!

L8rz,

Apes

Dad, Romance, Ew.

It's not that I don't think Mom an' Dad shd "romance" ea other, I just don't esp. wanna know abt it. So of course, Dad had 2 call me (I'm talking 2 'em more while I'm away @ the farm in Winni than I was @ home, seemz like.) He sed, "April! I love your mother!" I was like, "Really? I thot U loved trainz, an' toler8ed Mom. He laffed and sed, "U teenagerz w/yr sarcasm! NEway, I was in the kitchen drying dishes, looking across the room @ yr mother, who was standing @ the kitchen table scrapbooking. And I felt this swell of love. In fact a shiny, 3-D heart popped up in my thought bubble! I sidled up to her holding 2 mugs of tea in one hand, and I'm not even sure how I managed 2 do so, but I was holding them both by the handle, and I didn't even spill!" I'm all, "Get out!" And he's, like, "No, it's true!" I was hoping he'd go off on a tangent abt carrying hot drinx in mugs an' not spilling them, but he went rite back 2 his topic. "So, I sed, 'Xxcuse me, miss. I was staring @ U from over there... And was wondering if U'd join me 4 a drink.' And yr mother sed, 'Well... I guess so.'" I tried that old trick of pretending U have a bad connection by making fake static soundz, but Dad didn't notice an' he continued, "So, we were sitting having our tea, and I sed, 'I'd like 2 get 2 know U better. If U're not busy 2nite, cd I invite U out 2 dinner?' And yr mother sed, 'That wd B nice. I accept.' And I asked, slyly, 'And after dinner cd I take U home?'" I interrupted, all, "Dad, U're talking 2 yr daughter! MayB U shdn't tell me more!" Dad was all, "Pishposh! U're mature enuf 2 know. So yr mother answered, 'Hmmm.... That mite B a distinct possibility.' And she was looking @ me with that fetching looking-upwards hopeful xxpression I find so endearing. As we walked off, arm in arm, I thought, 'Who sez "speed d8ing" isn't romantic!"

I was all, "Dad, U've been married 2 Mom since B4 the stone age, if U an' Mom make sum quick dinner planz, I don't think that counts as 'speed d8ing' even if U make yr planz v. v. quickly." And Dad was, like, "Spoil sport!" And he hung up. And then the friggin' phone rang again and it was Mike! "April, in case U have the dreaded writer's block again, yr talented, award-winner brother has just the thing 2 rescue U!" I was, like, "Mike! I'm gonna write abt this creepy convo I just had w/Dad!" Mike was all, "Resorting 2 writing abt creepy convos--nice alliteration by the way--a sure sign of writer's block!" And B4 I cd argue more, he was like telling me abt sumthing that happed when I was like 2 months old. He sed he was looking thru his old journalz 4 inspiration 2 apply 2 his "Sheilagh" manuscript, and he found an entry abt when he was 15 and had 2 babysit me. He was sitting on the couch holding me and thinking, "Yeah. Right. Everybody take off and leave Michael here 2 look after the drool queen." Then he sed out loud, "It wdn't B so bad if this kid cd DO sumthing! --Right, Ape?" And just then, I sed, "Glkkthh..." and smiled. He got all happy and sed, "She SMILED @ me!!" Awwwww. Apparently, I was cute back then, cute as a friggin' button. Didn't have "fugly" dayz like I seem 2 have like every other week. ::sigh::

NEway, that's all 4 now. I've gotta milk Bossie the cow.

Apes

Mom even punz in her own head, yo!

So. This morning, I was having breakfast w/my cuz Laura. We were having oatmeal with apple sauce and cinnamon, and piping hot cups of coffee. Mmmm, coffee! NEway, Laura was all, "Hey, what R U gonna write abt in yr blog 2day?" And I was like, "MayB sumthing abt the vet clinic or the horses." Laura rolled her eyez an' sed, "Don't do that, that's xxactly what yr creepy brother seemz 2 want. MayB there will B more 2 tell abt yr mother." I started 2 say I didn't have NEthing 2 share abt Mom when, wdn't U know it? The phone rang, and it was Mom! She told me that she was all looking @ herself in the mirror, xxamining her face, an' thinking, "When I was in my 20s and 30s, chasing after children, I often lookd tired, but I adjusted 2 it. When I was in my 40s, lines had formed around my mouth and eyez, but I had a job and teenagerz 2 worry abt, and I adjusted 2 it. Now I'm retired, and have time 2 do what I want 2 do--I C an old person in the mirror...And I'm adjusting 2 it. I'm going thru a new face in life." Groooaaaaannnnn! I sed, "Mom, U actually thought all that, worded in thoze odd, stilted sentences, and ending in a pun?" Mom sed, "Yes, so?" I sed, "Isn't that a bit strange?" She sed, "Not 4 a Patterson or a Richards. Get used 2 it." I was all, "Mm, yeah, if U say so." Then Mom sed, "I think my new face in life wd make a great column 4 Michael! I have 2 call him rite away!" And I was, like, "Yeah, U do that!" And that was that. Mom is weird, yo.

Liz, Becks txt-ed me an' sed, "Liz's luv-life advice was v. v. 'Liz'!" I'm sure U will agree w/her abt that, eh?

Mom yellz @ the dogz, but luvs 'em

Mom decided 2 try out this new-fangled e-mail thing the kidz R so crazy abt, LOL, an' wrote me this:

Dear April,

I don't know what I'm going to do with those mongrel dogs of ours! Just the other day, it was the same old story, vacuuming up all the dirt they track in. After I'd vacuumed, I yelled, "Why do you two have to bring in so much dirt?!! --Youre worse than the kids when they were small!" I plunked myself down on the floor (which I wouldn't do unless it was freshly vacuumed, of course), and I though, "I hate your paw prints, I hate your shedding, I hate your gooey, wet chew-toys..." Then the dogs snuggled up to me and I thought, "But...I love your company!"

Animals, sometimes I forget I even like them at all! So, April, speaking of animals, do you have any good farm gossip? Bev gossip? Danny gossip? Grandma Carrie or Uncle Will gossip? Do spill!

Love,

Mom

Oh, Liz. I don't know how U managed 2 get 2 age 25 w/out knowing what wank means, but here's a clue. U R providing friction. U're blindfolded, so U can't C where U R giving that friction. Anthony is guiding U. That's how U can do it w/out knowing. Geez, if U need me 2 draw U a picture, we'd better take this 2 e-mail! (Oh, and it's not the "detestable person" definition.)

Apes

P.S Blogger rescheduled their outage for today/this evening (4 pm PDT/7 pm EDT).

Dad Lies to Himself!

Dad called me up last nite, interrupting one of my impromptu guitar concerts that had ppl showing up fr. the nabe 2 listen. He sed, "April, for some reason, every1 in Mboro seemz 2 know abt yr mother and me taking our little walk 2 look @ George Stibbs' house. Do U have NE idea how that mite B?" And I was all, "U know Mboro. News travels." "Well, April, let me tell U what we talked abt on our way home." And I was like, "Well, if U must." He laffed and called me a surly teenager, and then sed, "I told yr mother that George Stibbs's place wd B perfect 4 us. That it has 2 bedroomz and that when U move out, April, one cd B a spare! I told her that the kitchen's been remodelled and the foundation is good, and that the house is well insulated. Yr mother interrupted me, saying, 'So... U've looked in2 buying it, then.' I noted that I'd made a polite enquiry." I pointed out 2 Dad that if I were Mom, I'd B miffed abt him going around enquiring abt buying houses B4 even talking w/her abt it. Dad kinda ignored that, all, "Well, your mother responded that she's not ready 2 move yet. She likes our house. She likes having space 4 our kidz and our grandchilden. And I thought, without saying, 'And I'd like a space just 4 us.'" I sed, "Dad, I think U R lying 2 yrself." He asked me what I mean. I was all, "U don't want a space 'just 4 us" unless yr "us" is U and yr choo-choo modelz out on that big yard." He kinda snorted and sed, "Well, that's not what I'm gonna say 2 yr mother." Then Mom wanted 2 use the phone 2 call Mike and discuss the trialz an' tribz of Sheilagh in Mike's novel-iin-progress, so Dad had 2 go, and I went back 2 my guitar playing. Then Grandpa Will made sum "fert" jokes about horses. The usual.

Apes

P.S. Blogger will have a scheduled outage around 4 PM PDT/7 PM EDT.

Teeny-Tiny Choo-Choo House Campaign Continues

Yeah, so I guess Dad wasted no time launching in2 his st00pid campaign 2 get Mom on board w/buying the teeny-tiny choo-choo house on the big lot. Becks happened 2 catch them gawking @ it and posted abt it last nite. (Mike, usual disclaimers on indented = quoted):

whoa!

i took the dogs out 4 a walk 2nite which meant i rode freyfaxi while i held on2 zeus an' apollo's leashes. well as i wuz going down the choo-choo house street i saw 2 people just standing an' staring at the choo-choo house! sure enuff, it wuz john an' jelly! apes, this is what they do when u r not home!! they night-stalk old men w/ teeny-tiny choo-choo houses!!!

i crouched down bhind a big shrubby hedge an' told the dogs 2 shush an' i listened 2 what they were saying:

jelly: why are we stopping? john, i'm tired! it's late! why did you drag me out at night! it's hot! why did you make me put on this sweatshirt in the middle of august?! my feet hurt! bugs are biting me! you see, i tell you it's nature's fault that i don't get any exercise, and you never believe me! now you know it's true!

john: look at this little house!

jelly: why? that's george stibbs's place! what's the use in looking at george stibbs's house? john, i'm hungry! i want to go home!

john: i'll take you to the all-night bakery if you'll just listen for a minute.

jelly: i'm all ears!

john: he wants to sell it.

jelly: the bakery is for sale? you know john, you're right, i'm bored with retirement. i'm going to buy--

john: no, not the bakery. george stibbs's house. it's for sale.

jelly: well why would anyone want to buy his house when he's still living in it? there's barely enough room for him, let alone anyone else! look at that thing! it's a crackerbox!

john: no, george stibbs is selling the house and moving out.

jelly: well, that's good, because it's smaller than a crackerbox. it's a matchbox! speaking of matches and crackers, let's go home, light a fire, and make s'mores!

john: in a minute. george stibbs is alone now.

jelly: well, i hope you don't want me to go in there and try to cheer him up. unmarried people are so depressing. i hate being around them.

john: no, he's going to move to be closer to his boys.

jelly: good. then we can get a nice family in here. or maybe just a couple. it's a really small house. it's not even as big as both our crevasses put together!

john: but the house is nice. and it's on three lots!

jelly: too much lawn to mow! that's even worse than vacuuming, it's basically the same thing, except you're outside in the hot weather and the bugs are biting you and you're sweating, just like i am now, and john, i really want to go home!!!

john: would you please just focus, elly? i'll take you home and personally bake you a pan of your mother's chocolate cherry cheese streudel if you will just talk about this house with me for a minute!!

jelly: alright john, you don't have to yell! you're probably waking up poor old widowed miserable george stibbs right now!

john: (sighs)

jelly: what?

john: never mind. now i don't feel like it.

jelly: oh for crying out loud john, just get it over with so i can go home and have streudel! what is it?

john: (mumbles) just think what you could do if you had this property.

jelly: what could i do? huh? come on! tell me! now you have me thinking about streudel! i don't want to wait all night!

john: build a bigger workshop...and buy more trains.

i won't tell u what happened after that. since apes is gone on vay-cay, i m gonna take ovah doing the patterson "drag the story out 4-evah" method of relating events!

'night!

becks

Hey, Becks, I'm not mad abt U kissing on Gerald's Brother (GB). I'm glad Ger's back home an' we can quit pretending we don't know "Ger" isn't Ger, eh! Ger, R U OK? How was Viking camp?

I'm settled in @ the farm and I'll tell U stuff abt it pretty soon, I think.

Apes

Dad starts the teeny-tiny choo-choo house campaign

So, yesterday I left 4 Winni. Dad took me 2 the airport. I'll give U deets pretty soon, probably. Mom an' Dad like me 2 call when I arrive so they know I got there safe. So when I did, Dad answered the phone, an' it went kinda like this:

Me: Hi, Dad, I'm @ the farm.

Dad: Oh, good, I'm glad U got there safe. U know what?

Me: What?

Dad: When I got home from dropping U off @ the airport, yr mother greeted me @ the door and asked, "She got away OK?" And I sed, "April's on her way 2 Winnipeg. We have the house 2 ourselvez."

Me: Wow, yr answer sounded really expository, like U were thinking lotsa ppl cd hear U an' U wanted 2 make sure they knew what and whom U were talking abt.

Dad: Really? I hadn't noticed. NEway, I sniffed and said "Aaahhhh" and noted 2 yr mother how big the place seemz when we're here alone.

Me: Dad, pls tell me U didn't start in on the teeny-tiny choo-choo house!

Dad: Aw, U know me so well! I reminded yr mother that pretty soon all 3 of U kidz will B gone, and I asked her if she ever thot abt moving in2 sumthing smaller. She sed, "Sure! But only when I'm vacuuming." And rite then, Edgar was shaking himself and Dixie was scratching.

Me: OMG, Dad, U've only been writing abt that lil house on the big lot 4-freakin'-ever in yr letters, stalking its owner(s) every day, and U took me by 2 C it once. Haven't U ever mentioned it 2 Mom B4?

Dad: Hm. I'm not really sure, April. The memory really starts 2 go when U reach a certain age.

Me: Yeah, OK, U know what? Laura really needs 2 use the phone!

Dad: OK, love 2 every1!

Me: Yeah, sure, bye!

Dad: Bye!

NEway, Becks I'm glad thingz ended up after the mysterious fire @ the Valhalla last nite, and Liz, I'm sorry 2 hear U've been having a bad time during yr visit w/Paul's 'rents!

Apes

Tough Love Fr. Dee

Dee sez that the last time she went food shopping, she had Robin in that lil kid seat in the front of the cart and Merrie walking along. Robin stuck out his tung @ Merrie (which seemz a bit odd 4 sum1 who won't B 2 4 another 3 months, don't U think?), and suddenly, Merrie was all, "Mom, I wanna ride wif Robin!" Dee was like, "I asked if U wanted 2 share a cart, but U sed NO!" Merrie went, "I WANNA RIDE!" Dee sed, There'z no room 4 U now, Meredith." Merrie sat down, all "Then, I'm gonna sit here!" De was, like, "That's fine. I'll C U l8r." And she started 2 walk away. Merrie sat there 4 a sec, w/her armz crossed, but as soon as Dee had walked like a quarter of an aisle away, Merrie jumped up and screamed "MA-MAAAA!" Then she ran up 2 Dee, threw her arms around her, and started sobbing, and Dee thought, "Tough love... is tough on every1." Me, I'm kinda glad 2 C that Merrie callz Dee "Mama" sumtymez. She's been all "Mom" this and "Mom" that from almost birth, so I'm kinda glad 2 hear she'z got sum little girl left in her after all!

Liz, abt hobbiez, here'z what Mom has listed 4 U on yr profile @ the webpage: "Singing, chatting online with friends, watching reality TV, reading, playing on her computer - something other than grading papers! Coming up with ways to help people who have difficulty reading." HTH.

Apes

Mom panics so U don't have 2!

I was lying on my bed reading a magazine when Mom came in, all, "April, do U have everything packed?" I was, like, "Not yet." Mom was all, "But... U're leaving 2morrow!" I sed, "Mom, I'm going 2 the farm! All I really need is what I'm wearing." Mom went, "What? U're taking gifts 4 the family, U'll need a summer dress, a bathing suit and sun screen. Have U got a hat? Camera? R U taking yr guitar? Have U got $? Yr itinerary? Photo I.D.?" Then she opened my suitcase, all, "Is this yr suitcase? Ohmygosh! There'z nothing in it!!!" Then, she started 2 freak a bit, grabbing a bunch of my clothes while being all, "Honestly, yung lady, I don't understand Y U're not in a complete and utter PANIC!" LOL, cuz it doesn't take me long 2 pack an' I don't C what the big deal is abt packing the day B4 I leave? Whatevs, eh?

Sorry that was boring. U know what? Liz told me a cute story from when she an' Mike were little. Mike had a lemonade stand, and Liz was thirsty. Mike was all, "If U want a drink, Elizabeth, it'll cost U 5 cents." Liz was, like, "Don't have five cents." Then she sed, "I got a marble. Can I have a drink 4 a marble?" Mike was, like, "Well... Uh... OK." While Liz was drinking the 'ade, Mike was all, "Hey--it's a pretty nice marble." Liz was, like, "I know." Mike asked, "Where'd U get it?" Liz finished off her drink, wiped her sleeve, an' said, "Yr room." LOL! Liz told me she was trying 2 think of a good "moral" fr. that story 2 use as a "teaching tool" 4 her class. She didn't think my idea "U'd teach them Mike is a tool" was a good answer!

Apes

Mom learning the Facts of LIfe

U take the good, U take the bad, U take 'em both, an' there U have
The facts of life. The facts of life.
When the boyz U used 2 h8 U d8,
I guess U best investig8
The facts of life. The facts of life.

When the world never seeeeeeeeems
2 B living up 2 yr dreamz. . . . .

Oh, w8, where'd that come from? NEway, when Mom came by 2 pick me up fr. that practice, Eva was all, "April, yr Mom's here!" An' I told "Ger", "Well, guess I gotta go." "Ger" was, like, "I won't C U again until school starts in September!" And I was all, "I'll write. Every day." And he was like, "Shd I kiss U goodbye?" Me: "Uh-huh!" Him: "But yr mom is watching!" Me: "That's OK." And as we went in2 the kiss, I was all, "She has 2 learn the facts of life, so I prefer that she learn them directly from me." Which was a weird thing 4 me 2 say, eh? How old am I, 46?

BTW, a lot of ppl saw these weird, coloured versions of sum pix that were taken @ our band's practice session, and they looked like we were in, like, the flames of Hades! Just so U know, the pix were taken in B/W, and sum1 filled in sum v. weird colours. The garage wasn't on fire or NEthing like that!

Apes

Refreshments

Well, I'm pretty sure we were given refreshments so that we'd be quiet, even tho the band was rilly rockin', but I guess Luis an' Dunc didn't notice, Luis being all "Yr Mom'z a nice lady, Gerald!" And Dunc being all, "Yeah. Really thoughtful!" "Ger" was a bit embarrassed that his mom made her usual "healthy" snax an' had his aunt deliver them 2 us. He had 2 break in2 his secret chocolate stash 2 get us something w/calories.

Jeremy, that's so wild that U ran in2 my Unk Danny an' my Grandpa Will! Sorry they laffed @ U like that. No way am I gonna B a dental assistant or hygienist! Sticking my hands in ppl's mouths while listening 2 a dentist make lame punz? I don't think so!

Liz, Paul, hope U have a gr8 weekend!

Apes

Speaking of my band, not the Animals. . . .

So the band had one last practice B4 I have 2 leave 4 Manitoba and Duncan leaves 4 the cottage vacation. We were playing kinda loud, I guess, and we got cussed out by a rellie of Ger'z. I hadn't met her B4, but "Ger" sez it's his aunt. Here'z what he wrote abt her last nite:

Sorry about that crabby lady who busted in on our last jam session. That's my dad's sister. I didn't get to introduce you 'cause she ran off so fast. Man, she is a real witch with a b. She makes us call her "Doctor Lavinia" instead of just "Aunt Lavinia." If we forget, she starts screaming about how she didn't spend seventeen @#*&! years getting an M.D. and a Ph.D. just to be called "Aunt." Don't even think about calling her "Aunt Vinny." She throws stuff.

Anyway, Aunt Vinny showed up last week. Dad invited her to join his practice. Guess he has too many crazies on his hands. Mom's pissed. Her and Aunt Vinny haven't got along since the time Vinny replaced her sugar-free breath mints with the kind that has sugar. Mom ate like five before she found out and she swears it made her gain ten pounds. Also, Aunt Vinny cusses and puts her feet up on the white chenille couch. Aunt Vinny is kind of cool, so long as she's not pissed at you.

NEway, what happed is that Dr. Lavinia came in2 Ger'z rehearsal space rite after we finished practicing our new song. We were playing sorta loud, so we scared away the dog. Dr. Lavinia was all, "Gerald, that piece U played was 2 loud!!" And "Ger" repeated, "2 loud?" And after she left, he sed it again, "2 loud!" And I sed, "That's cool!" And Luis was all, "Yeah! Now we've got a name 4 it!"

So, 2 answer Jeremy's questions. I'd actually put a whole list of Becky's tour sked @ the end of my letter, and I didn't have that line abt wondering how Becks wd do in school. U're right, Mom did an edit on that, I 4got 2 say. BTW, when Becky starts selling her CD, peeps, U totally hafta buy it, it's v. cube!

Ger, I'm gonna hafta make out w/"U" a bit B4 I go 2 Manitoba, but I'll totally B thinkin' of U when I do.

BTW, I heard Anthony hadta spend the night in the burn unit of the hospital last nite, and that police R there now interrogating him!

Apes

August 2006 Letters From My Fam R Up!

I hope U all won't B 2 disappointed if, insteada posting my usual super-long monthly letters post that takes me 4evs 2 write, I just give U the linx so U can read an' post whatev questions and comments U mite have. Mike an' Liz can answer stuff abt their letterz if they feel like it. Oh, a coupla comments about my letter. One, I originally started it like, "Hey, peeps, thanx 4 yr interest in our fam! Since I M the host of the family an' I know U all read MY letter first, first, first, let me welcome U 2 the August letterz!" Which was my way of making fun of Mom's habit of starting her letterz kinda like that. And not only did she get Steph the web designer 2 take that part outta my letter, she got her 2 take it out Mom's letter, 2, LOL! Oh, and I originally wasn't like "if" I go 2 uni away fr. Milboro, I was like "when", but Mom didn't like that an' had it changed.

Anyway, links 2 the rest:

• Lizzie's letter


• Mom's letter


• Dad's letter


• Mike's letter


• Dee's letter


• Gramps/Iris


• Pets
  

Well, have @ it, ppl!

Apes

Liz made a funny, peeps!

When Liz took me 4 a ride in her new car, we stopped off @ that burger place that has outdoor seating. Liz wants me 2 post her comment about this that she posted last nite (again, Mike, this indented bit is a direct quote fr. Liz):

Anyway, that gives me some time to tell some of the rest of the "sister trip in the new car" story for your friends. I hate to say I do not come off very well in this story, but it's not my fault as you will see.

First I forgot April is going back to the farm this summer. Now you might think that is a big thing to forget but I have a lot on my mind and also, it is a really weird thing, I mean Mike and I have stayed as far away from that place as we could ever since. But April says she loves it, she's got a thing for horses. I guess I can kind of understand that, my experiences up north taught me an appreciation for nature and how some people are just naturally in tune with it. It helps to have native blood but people like me are natives at heart you know and love the simple things like the outdoors. Probably April gets this quality from me, as you know I even have a spirit name.

Then I made a joke that April did not like, when she said she liked to be with animals all the time, I said that reminded me to ask her how her band was doing. I thought it would be funny because Mom is always calling her a Martian, I thought it would be hilarious if her sister made a different allergy [sic] or whatever. But April was totally pissed at me about it, I had to spend at least ten minutes calming her down after that. Wow Mom is so right, April, you are so touchy these days!

Liz, the word U wanted was analogy, not allergy! When Liz made this comment abt animals and my band, I was all "OMG, do I look like Eric Burdon 2day?" But she gave me one of those super-blank looks and I'm pretty sure I heard a slight "whoosh" sound, like something had just flown over her head!

Howard, wow, I knew U had a lotta skillz fr. yr circus dayz, but it soundz like U totally rocked thoze axes!!! And good riddance 2 make-up stealing Brynja, eh, Becks? Who needs that?!?!?!

Apes