Laura was breech, in case U wondered!
When Laura got back fr. helping w/the calf birth, she was taking the big farmhand overalls off from over her shorts an' tee. And I asked her, "Laura, U saw a calf being born?" And she sed, "I helped w/the delivery. She dropped the overalls in2 a huge basket that Aunt Bev was holding a-ready, and Aunt Bev asked, "Were there NE complications?" Laura was, like, "No, the Mom was super restless, so we just had 2 make sure the baby was safe." I was all, "That musta been awesum!" And as Laura carried off the gihugic basket, she was like, "It was April. Giving birth is nature's most amazing miracle!" And Auntie Bev was all, "U're telling me!--U took 32 hrs 2 show up, and U decided 2 come feet first!" I think we both looked @ her quizzically then, cuz we were talkin' abt cow births, not Laura births. L8r, Laura told me, "U will not believe how many times Mom haulz out my birth story like that!" And I was like, "I totally believe it. Try being born @ home b-cuz there'z a huge ice storm, even tho it's April first, when yr mom is 40, so U can alwayz B her oops-baby April fool. Total barrel of monkeyz, lemme tell U!"
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:14 AM
5 Comments:
At 1:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
me an' howie r just hanging out this morning. we have not had ne good quality time in awhile. neway, i wuz sprawled out on that giant round ottoman in the living room, u know the 1, with the mosquito net over it an' all the fake fur throws an' satin pillows. neway, my nails were drying so howie wuz surfing the 'net an' reading it 2 me. he red me ur blog entry 4 2day an' he sed "becky, i can't w8 until we have r own little miracles."
an' i sed "birth duzn't sound like a amazing miracle 2 me. it sounds gross."
howie sed "no, it is nature's most wonderful creation. just think about how amazing it is, that a woman's v--"
i cut him off by yelling "howie, don't u dare start talking abt birth canals! i herd enuff abt that hanging around pattersons all my life. they can't talk abt nething else but babies an' birth canals. neway, i dcided 2 do like britney spears an' have c-sections. that's the only klassy thing that girl ever did."
howie wuz all like "but becky, c-sections are supposed to be a last resort."
an' i sed "nuh-uh. stars do it all the time so they don't mess up their hoo-has, an' that's what i'm doing 2. live w/ it."
howie sed "xxcuse me" an' went in the bathroom 2 pout 4 like 10 minutes. then when he came out, he asked, "can i still cut the cord?" i wuz like "wtf do i care? yea, prolly." howie said "good. then a c-section will be enuff of a miracle 4 me."
but then he printed out a page 4 me 2 read abt natural childbirth. i sed it sounds amazing. amazingly bad.
howie is making lunch now. it smells awesome. gotta go.
becks
At 1:47 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
Apes,
Well, the disaster continues. My brother came home from the fire station early cuz they changed his shift. I freaked out when i heard him @ the door 'n' whacked him in the head w/a lamp. Not that i didn't always want to do that anyway, but u don't get the same satisfaction when u only find out later who u hit. Now i have 2 broken lamps.
Liz, i can believe Candace doesn't call or email u anymore. U have obviously moved beyond any advice she could give u.
Paul, when Liz calls, do u 2 ever talk about anything besides Susan 'n' Anthony anymore?
Laura, sounds like ur summer w/cousin Mike gave u a lot of experience 4 working w/smelly animals!
Luann
At 4:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Just when I think your writing cannot get any better, you write about Cousin Laura undressing in front of you and aunt Bev and then talking about Nature’s Most Amazing Miracle of giving birth. The idea of seeing Laura with her strong chin, and capable arms in nothing but her undies, talking about reproductive processes. Hum! That’s an image I will carry with me for awhile, and I am sure you can say the same. Laura was a little curt with me in her correspondence yesterday, but it’s good to know my little sis understands me and how much I admire our cousin.
As for comparing birth stories, when mom tells mine, it is usually accompanied by “And then I knew I would never be able to go back to university and finish my degree in English. I could have been a book store owner with a degree.” Mom is a little short on the details of my birth. Sometimes I think I just appeared out of nowhere sometime in 1979, even though I was born in 1976. Odd isn’t it?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
Michael, in response to what you wrote yesterday, you know zero about my social life in general and my dating life in particular. I suppose you must have some psychological need to believe that you are the only man who finds me beautiful, but you couldn't be more wrong.
About my chosen profession vs. yours, at least I am helping living creatures. The closest you come to that would be that your "humourous exposés" provide birds a place to deposit their droppings in many a birdcage.
Laura
P.S. Liz, I noticed my braid suddenly got shorter in the course of one day. Has anything like that ever happened to your hair?
At 8:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
luann, i m sorry u had such a scare! i can totally rel8 fr. when i was home alone in nov. brad shdna snuck up on u like that, just in case u were home!!!
apes
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