Mom yellz @ the dogz, but luvs 'em
Mom decided 2 try out this new-fangled e-mail thing the kidz R so crazy abt, LOL, an' wrote me this:
Apes
P.S Blogger rescheduled their outage for today/this evening (4 pm PDT/7 pm EDT).
Dear April,Oh, Liz. I don't know how U managed 2 get 2 age 25 w/out knowing what wank means, but here's a clue. U R providing friction. U're blindfolded, so U can't C where U R giving that friction. Anthony is guiding U. That's how U can do it w/out knowing. Geez, if U need me 2 draw U a picture, we'd better take this 2 e-mail! (Oh, and it's not the "detestable person" definition.)
I don't know what I'm going to do with those mongrel dogs of ours! Just the other day, it was the same old story, vacuuming up all the dirt they track in. After I'd vacuumed, I yelled, "Why do you two have to bring in so much dirt?!! --Youre worse than the kids when they were small!" I plunked myself down on the floor (which I wouldn't do unless it was freshly vacuumed, of course), and I though, "I hate your paw prints, I hate your shedding, I hate your gooey, wet chew-toys..." Then the dogs snuggled up to me and I thought, "But...I love your company!"
Animals, sometimes I forget I even like them at all! So, April, speaking of animals, do you have any good farm gossip? Bev gossip? Danny gossip? Grandma Carrie or Uncle Will gossip? Do spill!
Love,
Mom
Apes
P.S Blogger rescheduled their outage for today/this evening (4 pm PDT/7 pm EDT).
posted by April Patterson @ 7:06 AM
20 Comments:
At 9:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
omg ur mom is way harsh. sheesh like it's the dogs' fault, they're dogs, that's what they do!! if she doesn't want 2 clean up the mess dogs make, she should just get a maid like i did. howie is so good at vacuuming my bungalow every day that dog hair hardly ever gets in my wardrobe nemore even tho all 3 dogs like 2 sleep w/ me. this place is spotless. it's like a miracle.
becks
At 12:48 PM,
howard said…
April,
I was startled this morning to hear Becky’s in a loud voice saying, “Why do you have to bring in so much dirt?!!- You’re worse than kids when they are small!” I thought Becky was talking to her dogs Freyfaxi, Zeus and Apollo, but when I got to Becky I saw she was yelling at a line of boys outside her bungalow, all bearing her gifts. Becky said to one, “I hate your art prints” and hurled a framed picture of dogs playing poker to the side. Becky said to another, “I hate your bedding” and hurled a set of pink Hello Kitty sheets to the side. Becky said to yet another, “I hate your gooey, wet half-chewed taffy” and hurled a hunk of the soft taffy to the side. The boys looked forlorn, but Becky grabbed them around the shoulders and said, “But…I love your company!” Then she said to one boy, “Aack! No licking!”
I said to Becky, “What is going on?” Becky replied, “Since I am a super hot teen pop star, all the boys in Milborough want to be my boyfriend. I am trying to choose my boyfriend for the morning, afternoon, and evening.” I said, “One for each time period?” Becky said, “Should I go for two?” I said, “You could always try an Elimi-date kind of method.” Becky said, “Now there’s an idea, Howie. All right, boys. You each make me something for breakfast, and then I pick one of you that has to leave.” The boys went to work, but I had to go to work at the salon, so I couldn’t see how that turned out. I expect the kitchen to be a wreck when I get back.
I’m at Sugar’s salon right now. I have seen Becky and her parade of men walking through downtown Milborough past the salon a few times already. She seems to be having fun. The boys seemed to be, well, tired I guess is the best word.
Howard K.
At 1:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Our beloved mother is an excellent writer and certainly her outlines are unsurpassed. However, I cannot say that a letter from mom talking about vacuuming and yelling at the dogs is her best material. I cannot tell if you are copying this into your Blog in a feeble attempt to show poor material from mom in order to make you feel better about your own writing, or if you have gotten some kind of writer’s block and you are desperate for material, or if farm life is so boring that even a letter about vacuuming and yelling at dogs is more exciting.
As for me, thanks to mom’s outlining skills, Sheilagh Shaughnessy has been dictating pages and pages of material to me at an almost impossible pace. I think it is fairly safe to say my book will go from first draft to best-seller faster than it would seem possible by normal publishing standards, for anyone except a Patterson of course.
My only distraction was when I saw my beloved Deanna vacuuming and she was just pushing the vacuum lightly across the carpet. I said to her, “You know, love of my life, that proper vacuuming involves pushing the vacuum deeply into the carpet with both hands and a grimace across your face.” Deanna said, “Mike, where do you get these ideas? Honestly, our daughter has the strength to run a vacuum.” And much to my amazement, my lovely Deanna handed the vacuum over to our daughter who was able to push it across the floor and I could see things in the carpet disappear as the vacuum ran over them. I said, “Our daughter is powerfully strong beyond belief for her age! Another testament to my powerful Patterson genetics!” Both Deanna and my daughter stared at me with incredulity, because they did not realize what I did. My daughter is a marvel. I was going to write an article about it, but Sheilagh Shaughnessy told me a story about her ability to handle a broom that needed writing.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I asked my mom if we had problems with dogs shedding in our house. My mother said, “We haven’t had any pets since you were born, Shannon, because your animal hair allergies are so bad. But when we did have dogs, we kept them outside or in the garage, so shedding inside the house was not a problem. Why do you ask?” I told mom about your mother’s letter. She shook her head and sighed, “Elly Patterson. She’s had dogs for how long now?” I said, “I don’t know. Since before April was born, so at least 15 years.” My mother said, “After all this time you would think she would have learned about dogs and shedding and tracking in dirt. And yet, she feels compelled to complain about it again and again. It’s as if each new generation of persons who come into contact with Elly Patterson must be reminded how much she hates cleaning up after dogs.” I said, “I like things to be repeated. It helps me remember.” My mother said, “You’re special needs, Shannon. It’s a part of who you are. But sometimes I think Elly Patterson thinks everyone who has any interest in her life is special needs too.” I said, “You mean she repeats a lot.” My mother said, “Exactly, Shannon. Exactly.”
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 1:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky,
I am very worried about what I read about you, I know about the kind of problem you are having. I have had to choose between many many different men throwing themselves at me all at one time also, it's very annoying. But it sounds like you are going about it all wrong, and so I hope I can help even though we don't get along, I don't want you to wreck your reputation even more than it already is.
#1 When a man brings you a present even if you don't like him or the present you should accept the present, it's rude not to, and you can always just give it away as a gift to someone else later. Even if you don't like the candy for instance you could give it to someone who does, like a Patterson, we have real sweet tooths or teeth, whatever is correct grammar. They are so picky about that here!
#2 When you are "trying out" several different men you do not do sex things with all of them, you refuse to give any of them any nookie at all except maybe a hug or a goodbye kiss until you decide. You don't want to get a bad reputation or make your bad reputation even worse than it already is.
#3 You don't drag all the men around town with you in a big group, you try to make sure that each of them doesn't know there are other guys in the running. That way they keep getting more attached to you while you are still deciding. Then when they love you and make their world revolve around you, you tell them that you have doubts and/or you hint that there are other men you are "good friends" with. If it makes them really upset then you know they really love you but if they get mad or leave you over it you know they are no good, it's a good test.
You can post here if you want to ask me questions about how to handle this situation, I have all kinds of advice.
Liz
At 1:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva iz a cleanin’ machine. her mom sed, “eva, ur bf has tracked dirt n2 the house.” & the next thing u know we r cleanin’ her whole house. every corner & every little spot on every shelf. i sed 2 eva, “wut iz it w/cleanin’ the whole house? i cud just vacuum up the spot where i tracked n dirt.” eva sed, “no, jeremy. wen a cowgirl comez home frum the range, she likes 2 come home 2 a clean ranch house. it puts her n a lot bettah mood.” so we spent hourz cleanin’ & cleanin’. eva’z mom wuz shocked. she sed, “if this wut happs wen jeremy comez ovah, ur welcome ovah ne tyme.” i sed, “thanx, mrs. abuya.”
aftahwardz i sed, “u sure know how 2 handle ur mom.” eva sed, “thass the way ‘rents r. 1st they c the dirt. then they c every thing they don’t like ‘bout u & it turnz 2 h8. then they don’t like ur bf & get mad wenevah he comez ‘round the house. it’s a lot bettah 2 head a ‘rent off @the pass. it’s a lotta work if u have a messy bf, but i luv ur company.” then there wuz a lotta kissin’, which eva’z mom didn’t seem 2 mind us doin’. u can get away w/a lot, wen the gf’s ‘rents house iz clean.
At 4:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy,
Cleaning for a bad motive is a terrible thing to do, some would say even unreligious. Mom says cleaning is a virtue on its own right and that it is also a sacred thing. She compared it to Jesus's suffering on the cross, she says cleaning is something a mother does to sacrifice her own life and happiness for the happiness of her family or if her family doesn't care about a clean house then the sacrifice is so "your grandma Marian doesn't start spinning in her grave." We never went to church a lot but I'm pretty sure it's bad to go to church only because you might have the chance of getting away with some naughty behaviors and it's the same with cleaning.
Liz
At 4:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
PS--I have a messy house but I would rather have a messy home then do cleaning for a bad reason, like sex urges.
Liz
At 5:59 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i m so sick of u criticizing my topics. if u don't like them, u don't hafta read them. even if i were writing abt the farm, u'd still complain, cuz u wdn't like whatev part of the farm i was tellin' u all abt. so y don't u leave me alone an' talk 2 sheilagh?
soundz like lotsa u r cleaning 2day, eh? liz told me that when the urge 2 clean hits her, she lies down till it goez away, rite, liz?
apes
At 6:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
liz, wen eva 1st read ur post sayin’ “cleanin’ 4 a bad motive iz a terrible thing 2 do” she sed, “have i met her?” i told eva u were @the shoppin’ mall talent fest n july where eva played her 1st gig az 4 evah & eva. eva sed, “oh i remembah that place. duncan & gerald & i nvited all our friendz 2 come c us, but april didn't tell ne1 other than her fam, ‘cause she didn't want 2 large an audience 4 her 1st gig w/4 evah & eva. eva sed, “i remembah april’s fam. her little niece wuz shoutin’ ‘she's my auntie!!’ & her mom & dad were tryin’ 2 keep her quiet.” i told her how u were dressed & she remembahed u rite away. eva sed, “school marm dress. i remembah her now.” ‘course we r both confuzed by wut u mean by a bad motive. eva duzn’t want her mom 2b mad @me 4 b-ing messy, so we cleaned. i dunno y thass a bad motive, unless u think havin’ ur mom mad @u & not talkin’ 2u iz a good thing.
At 6:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I would like to say I read your writings today, but your sister said today was one of those days where if I loved her, I wouldn’t. She did ask me a strange question, about whether or not the word “wank” is an Ojibway word. It’s not. It sounds British to me.
In my usual daily conversation with my sweet girl, she talked about parent-teacher conferences and how demanding they were. In Mississauga, they are scheduled for particular times during the day and the ningitiziim (parents) actually show up for the meetings. In Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), she said she would talk to the ningitiziim (parents) usually when they barged in on some teaching lesson like the star-gazing event where I first met her. My sweet girl talked to a lot of ningitiziim (parents) that night, she had never met before. She said it was because they operated on Indian time, and they would only come out for hot dogs and hot cocoa.
My friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, is also a teacher and she is also having parent-teacher conferences. They sound different from the ones my sweet girl is having. The ningitiziim (parents) in her conferences do a lot of crying. Chipper says she has a lot of catch-up work to do. I guess this is because it is her first job as a teacher. When I tell her what your sister said about the Indian time, Chipper does not seem as chipper as she usually does. She says, “Suds (her nickname for me), I shouldn’t get mad at you. But I could use some time to relax from school pressures at The Grizzly (a bar in Spruce Narrows). The next time you are in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), you could give me a ride over there.” I told her I would do it. I hate it when Chipper isn’t chipper.
I hope you are enjoying your time in Manitoba.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Methinks I hear a hint of jealousy in your complaints about my constructive criticism. Clearly I missed a crucial point in your quotation of mom’s letter. I speak specifically of this line:
Then the dogs snuggled up to me and I thought, "But...I love your company!"
Our beloved mother is not fond of showing physical affection except in cases where someone is sick or injured or for Moira Kinney. The last time I can remember you writing about mom hugging you or snuggling you was your lovely essay about when you were weeping buckets about having pimples (a plight for which I have the sincerest empathy, since it was a giant zit in high school that cost me Tracey Wells). Perhaps you are thinking that if you tracked dirt into the house or left wet chew toys about, you could get some of that mom snuggling too.
So, while you are up on the farm with your writer’s block, getting to see cousin Laura’s voluptuous form every day, remember that you have a comrade-in-arms when it comes to not getting mom-snuggling in your brother. We can both be jealous of the dogs together.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm not jealous of the dogs, and if i want constructive criticism, i'll join a writing workshop. i don't have writer's block. if i did, i wdn't have posted an entry 2day. laura asked me 2 ask u 2 "stop the creepy comments"!
apes
At 9:07 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got home from the salon today and I was making supper, when Becky and a group of about 7 guys walked in. I said, “Becky! You still have 7 guys left?” Becky said, “Howie. Give me a break. Thinking of ways for the guys to prove their love to me is not as easy as it looks.” I said, “How can I help?” Becky said, “Why don’t you take a look at the guys and pick a few to eliminate.” I said OK. I took a look at the guys there and said, “Becky, 2 of these guys are 20 years older than you are.” Becky said, “But they are really nice. Jim has a yacht, and he promised to take me out on the lake whenever I want. Joe writes the best poetry.” Then I said, “Right. And Becky, 3 of these guys are gay.” Becky said, “Which ones?” I pointed them out. Becky said, “No, Howie. They are just metrosexual. You shouldn’t assume that just because a guy is pretty and dresses well, he’s gay.” I said, “Becky. I know these guys from the gay community. They’re gay, not metrosexual.” Becky said, “Well. Fine then. That only leaves me with two guys. The needy, cute guy who will do anything I ask and the geeky guy who is obsessed with me.” I said, “You sound very Elizabeth Patterson.” Becky said, “Very funny. Aside from Anthony, she gets great guys but she has no idea what to do with them.” I said, “I wouldn’t have that problem.” Becky said, “Neither would I.” Joe said, “When’s dinner my sweet? The food of love would me complete.” I said, “You like that poetry?” Becky said, “You should have heard the poetry of the other guys.”
So, I outed the 3 gay guys, and told the 2 old guys they should give up chasing Becky to avoid arrest. Then I made dinner for all 7 of them, and Becky. Marjee Mahaha walked in as we were getting started and she said, “Are we eating new stuff, or having leftovers?” Becky said, “We have a lot of leftovers.” Marjee looked around and said, “Anything good?” I pointed and said, “That one has a yacht.” Marjee said, “Thanks, Howard” and sat down next to Jim.
After dinner we played a game of Charades. Then Marjee and Jim, the yacht guy disappeared. The 3 gay guys decided to start a Rebeccah fan club. I believe that they think Becky will become a new gay icon, and they want to get in on the ground level. Joe, the poet guy, left for a Goth poetry reading at the Milborough library. Becky began to question the other guys. She said, “As a popular singer, I may have to tour all over the country. Would you be willing to follow me around while I tour?” Needy, cute guy said, “I will go anywhere you go, no matter how inconvenient it is to me.” Geeky, obsessed guy said, “My girlfriend would never let me do that, but our relationship is practically over and if you would wait for it to end, then I would follow you.” Becky said to the geeky, obsessed guy, “You have a girlfriend?” The geeky, obsessed guy said, “Well, you’re engaged.” Becky said, “Good point.” Needy, cute guy said, “You’re engaged?” Becky said, “Yes. To Howie here. But I am allowed to see people on the side.” Needy, cute guy said, “Can I see people on the side too? I have a childhood sweetheart named, Susanna, I have been thinking about a lot.” Becky said, “This is getting a little weird. What should I do Howie?” I said, “Needy, cute guy. There’s something about this geeky, obsessed guy that is making my ears hurt.”
That’s how the evening has been so far. Becky is spending time with the needy, cute guy and I am wondering how it is that I let 3 cute gay guys leave the house. Maybe I am not a fan club kind of guy.
Howard K.
At 9:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, liz, this soundz like a sitch u know abt. ne more advice 4 becks?
apes
At 9:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. There are those people who say “actions speak louder than words.” They are, of course, idiots. However, in order to make a good argument, it is beneficial to provide some proof. I have presented proof in the form of your own writing that you are jealous of the dogs. You have given no proof to the contrary. You say if you wanted constructive criticism, you would join a writing workshop. That would certainly be a waste of your time. I am not even sure they have writing workshops in Winnipeg, and I doubt Aunt Bev would want to drive you to one if they did. Obviously, if you wanted constructive criticism, you would have to seek another more easily achieved means, like asking the advice of your award-winning brother. As for writer’s block, cutting and pasting one of mom’s letters in your entry today is proof you do have writer’s block, not proof to the contrary. By the way, tell Laura I love her use of alliteration with “creepy comments.” I can imagine her manly jaw undulating back and forth as she says it. It is quite thrilling.
I would write an article about it, but Sheilagh Shaughnessy has just told me a fascinating story about a square-jawed cow who was famous for her cud-chewing that I must get down before I forget it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, how on earth do u prove u r not jealous of dogz? u can't prove a negative!
u act like it's like a big friggin' copout 4 me 2 quote fr. sum1's e-mail. yesterday i quoted a fone convo w/dad. if mom had called insteada e-mailed, i wda dun like i did yesterday. mayB i just won't write nething @ all 2morrow, so u can shut the eff up abt writer'z blocks an' constructive effin' criticism.
apes
At 10:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. How to Prove You Are Not Jealous of Dogs.
1. When your mother gives the dogs a big hug and you haven’t been hugged for months, you say, “That’s all right. The dogs are furry and flea-ridden. They need hugs more than I do.”
2. When your wife gives the dog a premium dog biscuit, but refuses to let you have a scraggly, little cookie you say, “That’s all right. Cookies are bad for me. The poor doggie is going to get fat and have heart problems.”
3. When you want to take your wife on a romantic walk to see the retirement house you have been obsessing over for a year, and she insists on taking the dogs with you for company, you say, “That’s all right. In our new place, there won’t be enough space for dogs. They should get time with us now, while they can.”
You see, little sis. You can prove a negative, because 3 negatives make a positive. Or was that 4? I was never that good in math. Fortunately, math almost never comes up when you are the editor for Portrait Magazine.
By the way, threatening not to write anything tomorrow is not the best way to prove you do not have writer’s block. That’s 3 “not”s in that sentence, so that is a…positive? Hum. By the way, I liked your suggestion on writing a story on elfin criticism. That sounds like an intriguing subject, and considering how often your ears are pointed like an elf, you could speak on the experience based on first hand knowledge. Excellent choice.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky,
I have been asked to give you more advice, I am glad to see that people recognize how much I have to teach that comes from my many experiences with men. That sounds bad, but remember, I only lived with one boy and there is no proof we did anything sexual, we had separate rooms.
You have to choose between a needy cute guy and a guy who is nerdy and needy but also already in a relationship with someone else. Here is what I suggest, you should separate them right away and tell needy and cute guy that you are ready to pursue the partnership fully, but then you should tell nerdy guy that you can't be the other woman but make him think that you will wait for him. Then you wait to see who will propose to you first and accept whichever guy it is, it doesn't matter which one. You probably think you don't have to be thinking about marriage at your age but you really should be because believe me one day you are young and cute and living with your dimpled boyfriend with separate bedrooms and the next thing you know you are a spinster, the oldest unmarried woman there ever was in the whole town of Milborough except for Connie Poirier, who might not have been married to that Brazilian guy but it doesn't matter because she can just lie and say she was, nobody is going to look up a foreign marriage license, so she doesn't count and you are still the oldest. This will increase your marriage opportunities by having two chances for a diamond ring, you should try to have more than that but it can be hard to keep that many going, they tend to find out about each other and boys don't like that, they tend to get all mad and jump back in their vehicles and fly off at high speeds when you tell them you are seeing other people also. So you should make each boy think that you are dating only him.
You should also do things to make it so the boys don't think you're slutty because boys don't propose to slutty girls, just ask Dee. So you have to refuse to live with them before marriage and even refusing to live in the same town is ideal, if you can move so it's a really long trip to even visit, that will show you are a good girl. Also you must say that you can't be the other woman and dont' actually promise to wait because that would seem like man stealing, you just make sure they understand you will from body language (not sexy body language like you use, more like the not talking kind of body language like I use, there's nothing sexy about that). Also try not to say I love you and avoid "sex stuff" at all costs, goodbye kisses are the most you should do.
Then if the boys find out about each other you just say you didn't know they were that serious about you because they didn't pursue you hard enough. That is how you know if a man is good marriage material, he has to pursue you, that is what's romantic.
Do you have a childhood sweetheart, if you do, you should call him up, as you might know 75% of marriages in Milborough are between childhood sweethearts and that is the relationship that has the best chance of success.
You should probably pick the most gorgeous gay boy from that group and keep him around, you can use him as an escort and talk about your boy problems to him, but remember, he has to be single and not dating, a slutty gay guy is not right for your "gay boyfriend" as April likes to call it. If he can dance that is also a bonus because he can teach you moves to help lure the needy one away from his fiancee, even on his wedding day! Don't let your brother talk you out of doing that either, it's a big mistake to miss that opportunity.
Okay, I think that's all my advice for now.
Liz
At 10:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Umm, I'm not sure what that "qnjones" thing means, I posted that last part.
Liz
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