Mom panics so U don't have 2!
I was lying on my bed reading a magazine when Mom came in, all, "April, do U have everything packed?" I was, like, "Not yet." Mom was all, "But... U're leaving 2morrow!" I sed, "Mom, I'm going 2 the farm! All I really need is what I'm wearing." Mom went, "What? U're taking gifts 4 the family, U'll need a summer dress, a bathing suit and sun screen. Have U got a hat? Camera? R U taking yr guitar? Have U got $? Yr itinerary? Photo I.D.?" Then she opened my suitcase, all, "Is this yr suitcase? Ohmygosh! There'z nothing in it!!!" Then, she started 2 freak a bit, grabbing a bunch of my clothes while being all, "Honestly, yung lady, I don't understand Y U're not in a complete and utter PANIC!" LOL, cuz it doesn't take me long 2 pack an' I don't C what the big deal is abt packing the day B4 I leave? Whatevs, eh?
Sorry that was boring. U know what? Liz told me a cute story from when she an' Mike were little. Mike had a lemonade stand, and Liz was thirsty. Mike was all, "If U want a drink, Elizabeth, it'll cost U 5 cents." Liz was, like, "Don't have five cents." Then she sed, "I got a marble. Can I have a drink 4 a marble?" Mike was, like, "Well... Uh... OK." While Liz was drinking the 'ade, Mike was all, "Hey--it's a pretty nice marble." Liz was, like, "I know." Mike asked, "Where'd U get it?" Liz finished off her drink, wiped her sleeve, an' said, "Yr room." LOL! Liz told me she was trying 2 think of a good "moral" fr. that story 2 use as a "teaching tool" 4 her class. She didn't think my idea "U'd teach them Mike is a tool" was a good answer!
Apes
Sorry that was boring. U know what? Liz told me a cute story from when she an' Mike were little. Mike had a lemonade stand, and Liz was thirsty. Mike was all, "If U want a drink, Elizabeth, it'll cost U 5 cents." Liz was, like, "Don't have five cents." Then she sed, "I got a marble. Can I have a drink 4 a marble?" Mike was, like, "Well... Uh... OK." While Liz was drinking the 'ade, Mike was all, "Hey--it's a pretty nice marble." Liz was, like, "I know." Mike asked, "Where'd U get it?" Liz finished off her drink, wiped her sleeve, an' said, "Yr room." LOL! Liz told me she was trying 2 think of a good "moral" fr. that story 2 use as a "teaching tool" 4 her class. She didn't think my idea "U'd teach them Mike is a tool" was a good answer!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:04 AM
19 Comments:
At 9:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your writings sounded very familiar to me. Your sister arrived in White River this morning, after driving all night. When she got out of the car, she got to meet my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather). They greeted her very enthusiastically. Then I said, “I’ll take your suitcases to your room.” But when I lifted the suitcases they were very light. I said to my sweet girl, “You must have packed very light.” My ngashi (mother) said, “That’s a good sign. White women usually pack too much.” Your sister had an odd look on her face. She followed me back to the room and said, “Paul. I brought the wrong suitcases.” I said, “What do you mean, wrong?” She opened one of them up and I could see the suitcase was completely empty, except for a little furry piece of mush, which your sister said was a hairball from a cat. She said, “I got into such a rush packing, I must have put the wrong suitcases in my car.” I said, “Don’t worry. Susan Dokis is in town and she is about your size. I will call her.”
While my sweet girl was resting from her long trip, Susan came over. Susan was very happy to let your sister borrow her clothing. She said, “This may be a little tight on you, since I am a size smaller, but I am sure you can squeeze into it.” Squeeze your sister did, and for the first time in my life I think, I got to see what your sister looks like in more form-fitting clothes. She looked great. I could see your sister’s figure is quite thin and attractive. My mishomis (grandfather) agreed and said, “You should wear Susan’s clothes more often. She doesn’t dress as frumpy as you do.” My ngashi (mom ) said, “Noos (dad). It’s not time for the native humour yet.” My mishomis (grandfather) said, “Minjinawezi (Sorry).”
I can tell already, we are going to have a great visit. By the way, your sister has suggested the moral to your other story is “Be prepared when other people lose their marbles.” Or pack the wrong suitcases.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:13 AM,
howard said…
April,
You pack like Becky does. It drives me crazy. I can tell that once we (me and Becky) are married, I will be doing all the packing. I can’t tell you how many times during the course of this tour, we had to stop for something Becky forgot to pack, because she packed at the last minute. Becky likes to pull my chain about some things, but the other people on the tour bus were not happy, when we had to stop for the unpacked toothpaste and the unpacked hair brushes. Fortunately I made sure all her show wardrobe was there, so we didn’t have problems in that area.
I woke up this morning and Becky’s cat Loverboy was sleeping beside me and so was Becky. I don’t know the reason why Becky wasn’t sleeping in her usual compartment. When I got up to look in there, Marjee Mahaha was in there, snoring away. I guess Becky and Marjee switched spots in the middle of the night. Anyway, Loverboy makes the most beautiful purring sound when he is sleeping next to you. It is very relaxing. Even if I were in a complete and utter panic, I think he could calm me down.
Your story about your sister and your brother is interesting. If I were to give it a moral, it would be "Lock the door on your bedroom, when you have siblings." I could have used that lesson when I was younger. The things my sister took out of my closet, you wouldn't believe.
Howard K.
At 9:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. It has been a long time since I packed a suitcase. It is one of the joys of being married. When we went on our honeymoon, my lovely Dee packed 3 suitcases of her stuff and 1 suitcase was empty to hold the things she planned to buy. We did a lot of shopping on our honeymoon. Are you planning to go shopping in Winnipeg? Toronto is a much better shopping town, but I can understand why you might want to buy things when mom and dad are not around. After all, you want to wear those skimpy outfits you are fond of wearing lately, and you can probably do that a lot more in Winnipeg. Dad would make you put on a sweater, but Aunt Bev won’t care if you are scantily clad around the chickens and horses. The time I was there and she caught me in the barn in my underwear with cousin Laura playing veterinarian, she didn’t say one word about my clothes. Aunt Bev is great.
By the way, thanks for reminding me about that lemonade stand story. Lizardbreath owes me a lemonade.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i red this line: mom, i'm going 2 the farm! all i really need is what i'm wearing. now, i have this image n my head of u on the farm, w/only 1 set of clothez, cuz it iz 1 of thoze naked farms. i am tryin’ 2 concentr8 on eva now. eva. eva. eva running thru a farm naked. all right. thass a gud image. eva checks her suitcase. eva wonderz y there r no clothez there. eva iz gettin’ mad. eva iz comin’ 2ward me. eva iz punchin’ me out. ouch! all right, back 2 my image of u on the farm. it’s less painful.
At 9:22 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You may be the nicest girl in the world, but you may not be the best packer. I am old enough now to pack my own suitcase when my family travels anywhere. Mom doesn’t like me to pack it myself, but she knows if I am going to earn my Toward Independent Living (TIL), I have to be able to pack a suitcase. I like packing. I put all my clothes in their right spots, so I know where everything is. I also have my list of what I am supposed to bring and I check it about 100 times to makes sure I didn’t forget anything. Ever since I have been packing my own suitcase, I never forget anything. Not only that, but I can always find something in my suitcase, because I packed it myself. I think you should pack your own suitcase, and not let your mother pack it for you. Now I know how to pack my own suitcase, I don’t think I could stand my mother packing it for me ever again. I am too independent. It would make me mad if mom tried to do it, but not very mad. Mom knows I have to do it myself. Maybe my mom can talk to your mom and tell her you’re independent too.
I think the moral to your sister's story would be "Brothers should give their sisters stuff for free." My brother Blair gives me stuff for free all the time. I love my brother.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:02 AM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry every1. i totally made a list of all the stuff i had 2 pack and i had everything organized so i cd pack it quickly. sumtymez it's just kinda fun 2 get mom 2 panic. of course, sumtymez it's not so fun cuz she can be scary!
apes
At 4:22 PM,
howard said…
April,
I'm glad to know you have learned how to manipulate your mother into a scary panic. That's a good skill to have.
Speaking of scary panic, we got back from Becky performing at the Heritage Fest in Rocky Falls, and Becky discovered her new cat, Loverboy was missing. Becky does not take stressful situations very well. We are scouring the area nearby where the tour bus was for Loverboy.
I keep calling out "Loverboy! Loverboy!" so the cat can hear my voice and come to us. No cats so far, but I have gotten a date and found a nest of retro 80s rockers.
Wish us luck finding the cat.
Howard K.
At 4:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, this haz gotta b the weirdest day. i dunno wut wuz goin' on between marjee mahaha & rebeccah last nite, but i do know when i woke up, i smelled like marjee's perfume.
neway, rebeccah did pretty good @the heritage festival performance till this group of ladies showed up & started hecklin' her. their namez were nancy, liuba, allison, laura, jackie, & stephanie. rebeccah totally cracked up. i hadda boost the backin' track till rebeccah cud recover. then she did this cover of gwen stefani's harajuku girls, except she changed the lyrics so it wuz hairy corbeil girls. this wuz the chorus:
Hairy Corbeil Girls you got the tasteless style
I hate the way that you are, I am your snarkiest fan
those ladies left aftah that. then we got back 2 the bus & rebeccah's cat wuz gone. rebeccah haz been beggin' howeird 2 sniff the cat out, but howeird sez he duzn't like the smell of cats. i think she'z wearin' him down, cuz howeird has got hiz nose n the litter box. this iz so weird.
At 5:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
The meeting of my ningitiziim (parents) and your sister could be going better. She was here for only a little while when the phone rang, and my ngashi (mother) said, “There is a gaazhoo (cat) meowing. Is it a prank call?” Your sister said, “No, that’s for me.” My sweet girl was on the phone for a little time, but then there was another ringing phone and my noos (father) reported a gaazhoo (cat) meowing again. Your sister has been on the phone ever since.
Then my mishomis (grandfather) said, “Paul. I think your new girlfriend is pussy-whipped.” Everyone laughed, except for me. I hope my sweet girl gets off the phone soon.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, i hope thoze corbeil chix didn't have sumthin' 2 do w/loverboy disappearing! howard, didn't u meet sum of theze ppl rite b4 u got turned in2 a dog @ the johnston institute?!?!?!
apes
At 5:48 PM,
howard said…
April,
I try to forget about that horrible day as much as I can. However, I think they were the same people, based on Jeremy and Becky's description. I am on the scent trail now. I will have to write you back later.
Howard K.
At 5:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, howeird haz hiz noze 2 the ground, literally on the ground & sniffin'. he seemz 2b goin' rite back 2 the heritage fest. i dunno how he'z gonna smell ne cat there. the whole place iz fulla festival food standz.
At 7:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
The only possible morals to that story are:
1. People should be generous and share.
2. But, if they don't, that does not make stealing, lying, or trickery all right.
I am ashamed to think of what a conniving little child I was!
The morals Paul is remembering are the ones that Susan Dokis suggested.
Paul's family is a little strange. His parents do not seem to understand the importance of taking good care of one's cat.
Also, I drove all night long after a full day of school just to get here. I have been trying to nap on and off ever since my arrival. But everyone has been very insensitive to my needs in this regard. When I arrived, Paul carried my suitcases into the guest room, and I flopped down on the bed. I wanted a nap.
But Paul wanted me to unpack so I did. I was so tired I guess I brought the wrong suitcases, it happens. Paul insisted right away on calling Susan Dokis, like I couldn't of just borrowed one of his mom's dresses. Paul's "excuse" for calling her was that Susan is the same size as me. Since when is getting an exact fit in clothes so important? I mean his mom is a size 14, that stuff would have worked fine, maybe with a belt, but so what? But no, Paul insisted Susan had to come over, I think it was a very weird "coincidence" that she was in town don't you?
Well then Susan came over and Paul and Susan were very pushy and made me do like a whole fashion show for them when all I wanted to do was sleep. Then to top it off Paul insulted me by saying Susan dresses better then I do! Then his mishomis agreed with him! I was so tired and upset I said "I think I want to be alone now," and I ran into the guest room. I took off Susan's clothes and I put mine back on and then I settled down on the bed to take a nap.
Well when I didn't come out of the guest room Paul came looking for me and he said "Why are you sleeping? Come on you just got here, everyone wants to talk to you!" I was tired and cranky when he dragged me out of bed, I had just started to have a beautiful dream where all my old friends got together for a party, Candace and Rudy and Dawn and her fiance and Shawna-Marie and her boyfriend. Then the doorbell rang and Anthony was there too and it was just like old times. But then Paul woke me up and dragged me into the living room.
I guess his family decided they didn't want me to miss the native humor. You know how it is, the more Ojibwe people make fun of you, the more you feel accepted. Well Paul's mishomis said "Well I'm sorry to see you put that frumpy outfit on again!" and his mother said "What happened to Susan's clothes? Are you allergic to wearing a size 8?" I told myself over and over again, they are just trying to make you feel accepted. So it was okay. But then Paul's dad said "I don't think she's a size 8. She's at least a 10. Remember that picture of the Patterson family Paul showed us? She has her mother's hips." Paul's mom and mishomis laughed and then I was a little confused, because I don't think non-natives can use native humor, even if they are married to a native.
Well, then the phone rang, and of course it was Shiimsa. I promised Shiimsa I would call her as soon as I got to Paul's house but of course I forgot what with all that "Oh we have to call Susan over here right away" stuff. Well Shiimsa was very upset, she said the Chinese girl ate her cat treats and that I had to come home right away! I said "Shiimsa, you know that's not true. Don't lie to me, or I won't bring you any fish when I come home." Shiimsa admitted that it wasn't true but that she was sure I would believe it because my grandfather eats dog biscuits. I said "Jing-Mei is not senile like Grandpa, and besides, she is allowed to eat cookies." Then we hung up.
But of course Shiimsa got lonely again and called back. It took me a long time to get her calmed down. She wants me to come home right away and I can't say I blame her, it is hard on a kitty to be left all alone. I talked to her for a long time and finally I promised she could invite her friend Faustus over if she promised she would sit and talk with him in the kitchen, my bedroom is strictly off-limits.
While I was talking on the phone, I could see Paul's family looking at me, and I heard them laughing. But for some reason whatever native humor they were saying did not make me feel accepted.
Then I went into my room and took a nap. I woke up a little while ago to go to the bathroom but I am tired again after writing this, so I am going to go back to sleep. Fortunately Paul's mom loaned me a nightshirt. I don't know how Susan can sleep in those tiny flimsy silky things. This flannel nightie reminds me of Mom. It's comforting.
Liz
At 7:30 PM,
howard said…
April,
I was sniffing out Becky’s cat, Loverboy through the Heritage Fest. There were several interesting things to smell, but Becky would grab me and say, “No, Howie. Concentrate on Loverboy, not gay men.” We came to a corner of the Heritage Fest and the smell of Loverboy was very strong. In this corner was a small building and the sign on it said, “Johnston Institute of Better Living-Rocky Falls extension”. We tried the doors. They were locked, but we could hear voices inside.
One was a woman’s voice. She was saying, “Loverboy! Loverboy! This will not do for a cat name. Loverboy was based out of Toronto, but our audience remembers Bobby Curtola fondly. Our audience doesn’t own any music written after 1963.” Another voice said, “We all know that, Nancy. That’s why we are here, to correct this problem.” Another voice said, “We can’t have any animals associated with her. She took care of the bunny once, and she looked too sympathetic just doing that. No. Animals are out.” Then another voice said, “Liuba. A cat is not a bad idea. So far we have Shiimsa, and she is probably the least sympathetic animal so far. She’s malicious, and she doesn’t even look much like a cat most of the time. I think we can make a cat work. It just needs a better name.” Then still another voice said, “Jackie. You have got to be kidding. We can’t let her name something. Already the animals have stupid names. She just names them based on something she sees. She watched Edgar Bergen and then the dog is Edgar. She visits the Southern U.S. and the other dog is Dixie. She gets hungry in a candy store and the bunny is Butterscotch.” A voice said, “But, Laura, it has got to be better than naming people after all her First Nations friends.” Another said, “Allison, to be fair, Luis Guzmán was named after the actor in her favourite movie Boogie Nights.”
Another said, “No. No. No. Her decision-making is impaired. Laura, tell them.” Laura said, “Well we had to change things for today. She decided that people on the farm don’t need to wear but one set of clothes. Jackie and I said that we were pretty sure farm people had more than one set of clothing, but she just said, ‘You Quebecoise stick together. I used to live on a farm. I know how tough that life is.’ She was completely irrational.” Another voice said, “Stephanie, tell them about monthlies.” Stephanie said, “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing, but when I mentioned I was Jewish, she asked me to put pigs in a lot of the monthlies. She wanted pigs popping out of pigs and pigs popping on top of pigs and she was completely serious.” Once voice said, “I thought you handled it very well. And Laura, you covered the one set of clothes request very well today. Not only that but I think everyone here appreciated the fact that each person had eyes and they were in the right places on their heads.” Laura said, “It was really tough to be that accurate.” Another voice said, “What about me?” The first voice said, “And Jackie, you only worked on the background in one place today, but it was was nice too. It looked like you spent a long time getting the door frame to be above people's heads. We all appreciate whenever you take the time to make the background fit the size of everything else in front of it.” Still another voice said, “And the personal planner. Did everyone like the personal planner?” Jackie’s voice said, “Yes Nancy. The personal planner was an excellent idea. We are all looking forward to the casserole recipe book you have set for the holidays.”
Then another voice said, “But what are we going to do about the cat?” One voice said, “Where did it go?” Then as we heard sounds of people running around the inside of the building, through an open window in the second floor of the building jumped the cat, Loverboy. Becky snatched him and said, “Howie! We have to get out of here right now, and the look on her fact told me she was serious. So we ran back to the tour bus and Becky said to her dad, “Fafa! We have to get out here right now!” Thorvald said, “Has my daughter committed a crime? I am so proud.” Becky yelled, “Fafa! Now!” So he gave the order to the bus driver and we are now on the road away from Rocky Falls.
Howard K.
At 7:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i m sorry 2 hear u r not enjoying yr visit so far!
howard, becks, i m glad u got the kitty back. thoze laydeez sound hella scaree!
apes
At 8:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your sister is sleeping to recover from her long drive in and her long conversation with Shiimsa. She is wearing a flannel nightgown my ngashi (mother) gave her to wear. She is snuggled comfortably in bed sleeping peaceful dreams. She looks so much like your ngashi (mother) now, I can tell exactly how my sweet girl will look when she gets to be your ngashi’s (mother’s) age. Your sister is going to be an onisisi (handsome) woman. I can tell my sweet girl is having a good dream. She has a big smile on her face and she mumbles, “Candace, Rudy. So glad you could make it after your 5th backpacking trip across Europe. Dawn and David, it looks I am getting married before you are. That’s what you get for being engaged for more than 3 years. Shawna-Marie, your race-appropriate boyfriend is cute, but not quite as cute as my Ant…” Then she gets too quiet to hear anymore.
I am so happy my sweet girl is here. I can tell my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) are impressed with her. After my sweet girl went back to sleep, my mishomis (grandfather) said to me, “Well, Paul. She’s better-looking than and not nearly as stupid as the girl you brought home last time. What was her name?” My ngashi (mother) said, “Fish Head.” My mishomis said, “No. Her real name.” My ngashi (mother) said, “It doesn’t matter. Coffee cake is better than a Fish Head. Of course, a zayaagi`iwed (girlfriend) who wasn’t making my Paul move far away from his ngashi (mother) would be an even better choice.” My noos (father) said, “I don’t live anywhere near my ngashi (mother) and see how well I turned out.” My ngashi (mother) said, “You were practically Ojibway before I met you. Don’t blame me for that.” My noos (father) said, “Just a little Native humour, dear.” My ngashi (mother) said, “You still get Irish humour and Native humour mixed up.”
My noos (father) said, “Mind you, I stayed here, and I was from a big city. I could hardly wait to get away from it, though. Paul's young woman sounds like she wants to stay in the Big Smoke! Too bad, when you fall in love with a certain city, only to discover it has a deep sewer system. My bet is that they will have to break up. Still, it really has been Paul’s first adult falling-in-love experience, and that is always good. You learn that it's about more than infatuation. It's about negotiating, and questioning what it is that your principles or wants really are. At first you think you can give up anything to be with that other person, but as the time wears on, the glow comes off, and chee, maybe you don't want to give up some of your comforts and things that are important to you, after all.” My mishomis (grandfather) said, “What a load of moowan (feces).” My ngashi (mother) said, “Husband. Are you sick? You sound like you are speaking the tongue of a complete giiwanaadizi (idiot).” My noos (father) said, “Sorry, Paul. I don’t know what came over me.”
As you can tell, my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) adore your sister, just as I knew they would.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, paul, it soundz like yr dad was totally channelling my dad! hope it wore off!
apes
At 10:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your quoted writing from your noos (father). It is very similar to what my noos(father) said. I would be happy my noos (father) thought the same things as your noos(father) if they made sense. My noos (father) is singing Irish ballads now to make him feel like himself again.
I think right now your sister is channeling the Ojibway story of Niibaa-giizhig (Sleep Time Sky). My sweet girl is still sleeping, but her arm flings backward every once in awhile and she says something like, “Don’t let Becky catch the bouquet, April.”
Shiimsa has telephoned a few times, but my ngashi (mother) has told her, “gaazhoo (cat), let her sleep.” Tomorrow, my ningitiziim (parents) and my mishomis (grandfather) will get to see how your sister is when she is rested. They love her now, but they will really love her tomorrow.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Now I am awake and all refreshed, I woke up and found that everyone else had gone to bed. So I guess I am going to spend my time on a collect call to Shiimsa.
I wish I had a hobby or something, like reading or knitting or crosswords or the guitar or whatever. I don't, and I'm really bored here, wow. I didn't realize I didn't have any hobbies until now. Maybe my cat is a hobby, what do you think?
Well, Paul's mom has some knitting lying around, maybe after I'm done talking to Shiimsa, I will try working on that.
Liz
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