April's Real Blog

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Liz asks for advice

Hey, ppl, Liz asked me 2 post this comment she put up last nite. Note 2 Mike, this indented part will B LIZ'S WRITING. The unindented stuff will be MINE. This is me CITING MY SOURCE.

I have some free time since it is Friday night and my boyfriend is up north. He called me earlier to say that he is getting together with "Chipper" tonight in Spruce Narrows to show her the town and asked if we could skip our nightly call. I said this was fine because I am thinking about something else tonight anyway and I am afraid that talking to Paul will just confuse me more than I am already confused, which is very, very confused.

It's all Mom's fault. Anthony and I fell into a dead silence after I told him he was one of my favorite people. He had that funny happy look on his face and all I could do was freak out inside. I decided not to tell Anthony about Paul. I figured that if I did he would ask me how serious it was and then I would have to tell him about my feelings for Paul and I don't like to talk about my feelings even when I am not confused, which I am right now.

So we got back to the used car lot and Anthony took my hand in a sort of formal handshake and told me that he was "glad we had this time together" and to take care. He had this intense look in his eyes and it was very intense so all I could say was "you too" and then he walked away. As he did his shirt color changed from khaki to bright yellow. It was weird and I couldn't help staring. Mom walked over and asked me if the person I was talking to before was Anthony which confused me because she was looking right at Anthony when she asked and she's known him forever so why wouldn't she recognize him?

I told Mom that Anthony was helping me make a decision. Mom asked me if the decision was about a car or about my life. I got very angry because I did not want to tell her the answer to that question which is confusing for me to tell the truth and also because it would mean I had to tell her my feelings. Mom ticks me off a little and confuses me because she says it is "emotionally slutty" to reveal my feelings but then she is always wanting me to tell her my feelings, since she says a mother is a girl's best friend and that it is not possible to be slutty with one's mother.

So I kind of yelled at Mom that she was complicating my life by trying to confuse me about whether Anthony was just a friend or not. She has been trying to confuse me like that for a couple of years now by hinting that I should still have certain feelings for Anthony that I might or might not actually have. I was so upset that my hairdo actually kind of came apart and my bangs popped out so I had to try to push them back in with my hand while Mom said she didn't realize she had that much influence, which confused me, because as you know Mom is the biggest influence in all our lives and that is the way she has always told us it should be.

By the way it was really weird but when I looked back at Mom just then she looked not like Mom or even Grandma Marian but like Dad in a wig with a creepy gross wrinkly turkey neck. Don't tell her I said that. She bought this royal blue dress from the Menopausal Matron collection at KMart that is just like my royal blue Sensible Schoolmarm dress except with the sleeves cut off and she was saying all day long how I should of worn my royal blue dress too because then we would look just like twins and I really hope I don't look like Dad in a wig with a turkey neck just yet. I can't lose my looks until I make a decision on who should be my husband! Then I started thinking about how I should really be buying clothes from the Sensible Spinster collection because I am 25 and don't have a husband or even a fiance and that is ancient! Also I was having a Bad Butt day and I couldn't help thinking "oh no, I will never find a husband if my ass is already getting so huge!!!"

Shiimsa is no help either. She keeps escaping from my apartment and coming back looking all satisfied. I think she is having secret meetings with that bad cat that belongs to your ethnic friend that wears lip gloss. The boy, not the girl. If my cat gets married before me, I am going to be so depressed!

Excuse me now, I am going to go eat the cheesecake I have in the fridge (if my roommates didn't eat it already) and try to make a decision about something very very important.

I have told you this much already because I do need some advice from you April and also maybe from Howard who seems to be kind of wise. I need to know something. Is it better to take a chance on something that is new and exciting but tricky and hard and that maybe will fail, or should you just go with the choice that you know what it would be like even if it is a little boring-ish but a sure thing right now, but might not be if you take a chance on the exciting thing and then have it not work out and then try come back to the boring-ish thing you know and maybe find out that it moved on and married someone else because he couldn't wait and then maybe you end up without a choice at all because you are a spinster and the third choice probably got fat or picked another girl or died in a crash, or maybe all of those things and you don't want to move home with your parents but you are pretty sure you can't go it alone like your friend Candace because it's just too scary?

Thanks, Liz
Well, Liz, I think U oughta stick w/xxciting Paul, who clearly loves U and has been willing 2 rearrange his life 4 U. Not boring-Anthony, who was unfaithful in his mind 2 Thérèse the whole time they were 2gether, from d8ing thru being engaged, thru being married. And remember how after the whole "going after" last summer, insteada making sure U were OK, he laid all that "T. doesn't luv me, w8 4 me" crap when U were totally traumatized!

And I think it's really uncube how Mom acted w/U after the test drive. Like she doesn't recognize Anthony @ 40 paces or whatevs. And did she totally 4get abt Paul when she came up w/that "Abt a car.... Or abt yr life" line? Not, not, not cube!

NEway, that's how I feel abt it. I'm sure Howard an' otherz will post when they have a chance!



  • At 8:59 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    It’s hard to make a decision. I know it is for me. Sometimes I have to write down all the choices I can make and then write down all the reasons I should make that choice. Even then, my mom will come and say, “Shannon Lake! Stop writing on the walls!” I hate it when my mom interrupts me. It makes things complicated. Sometimes I get mad at mom for interrupting me. It’s hard to make a decision when she is around all the time washing walls. I know just how your sister feels, except the part about having two men who want to be my boyfriend. I would be glad to have even one man. Or maybe even one half a man, if the one half was cute and loved me. I think I am going to have my computer program, Justin, read me a romance novel now.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 9:37 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shannon, i have a lil present 4 u. it's a small notebook u can carry around w/u. when u wanna make a decision, u can write in the lil notebook insteada writing on the walls. that way, yr mom won't hafta wash the walls and u won't have sum1 erasing what u wrote b4 u get 2 make up yr mind. hth.


    p.s. btw, i 4got 2 answer yr question yesterday, abt anthony. afaik, he's not special needs.

  • At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Oh how I heard all about this story from mom. “All I did was to ask Liz a simple little question: 'Did Anthony Caine help her make a decision about her life or about a car?', and she turned into April Martian Patterson, the creature. I thought that once Liz went to university and worked a regular job, I would never see whiny, bratty teenaged Liz again; but there she was, right in front of me. She was yelling at me in the parking lot of Mayes Midtown Motors, where everyone could see it. Then she leaned over the car and held her head with her hands. Do you think Liz has a drinking problem? That was the first thing your father said, when I told him about it. She would have to be drunk to yell at me like that in front of all those silhouette people.”

    Whatever you do, little sis. Don’t yell at mom in public. Talking to Connie Poirier will not be enough to calm her down. She will call my house and get Deanna to drag me to the phone for a conversation which will go on, for what feels like days. I love my mother, but believe me; you don’t want to have to calm her down after one of these kinds of things.

    I don’t know what Lizardbreath was thinking. She didn’t need to get so upset with mom for asking about her decision. She didn’t need to accuse mom of complicating her life. No one can complicate Liz’s life more than Liz herself. I could write books about the subject, if Liz would let me and promise not to sue me. After all, everyone knows she is still in love with Anthony. Gordon told me she and Anthony were holding hands and looking deep into each other’s eyes, just like they have done every time they get together since they left grade 13. As Gordon said, when he called me up about what happened, “It’s not like Liz or Anthony tries to hide it. They do it right out in the open, where everyone can see what they are doing, at holiday parties or in the office of the garage.”

    I have to agree with Gordon. LIzardbreath is not very discrete. However, you are completely off-base when you accuse a fine man like Anthony of being the only source of Liz’s problem. I will admit Anthony made an extremely poor choice in finding a vain, French, career woman, for his wife. But, as the bard says, “It takes two to tango.” After all, little sis, if it had not been for my timely intervention a few years ago, Liz would have made that big dancing display she practiced for weeks to do, right at Anthony’s wedding and in front of his new bride. She still did it anyway at the holiday party that was some months after the wedding. After that, anything Liz did at a holiday party was suspect by the Milborough gossips. There are those who believe Liz’s fall and hospital visit in January last year were a desperate bid for Anthony’s attention, since Thérèse was very pregnant at the time. And all those stories about Liz’s drinking and throwing herself at Anthony during the last New Years’ Eve. I don’t even know if those stories are true. All Dad would tell me was that Liz was really hung-over the next day. I hope she grows up soon, before she brings any more shame to the name of Patterson. As a Patterson, our role is to be mature and sophisticated; to have fun, but not draw attention to ourselves.

    Now let us speak frankly, little sis. I can tell you like Liz’s constable more than Anthony. However, do you really believe that love is something you make a decision about? I was dating Rhetta Blum, when Deanna crashed back into my life, and I knew instantly, Deanna was the one. I may joke about having a choice, but I really didn’t. You’ve been dating your boyfriend for a long time. Did you ever think of him as a choice, or did you simply realize you were in love with him? Little sis, when our Liz talks about her love life as a decision between two men, then you know she is not ready for marriage to either man. However, mom says if she does make a decision, she should choose the one who lives the closest to Milborough.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    As I promised your sister, I did not read your writings about her friend Anthony again. I asked your sister last night, if I could skip our nightly call. I didn’t really start out thinking I would skip the call, but when I first called your sister, she said, “Who is calling?” Then I said, “It’s me, Paul.” Then your sister said, “Paul who?” And I said, “Stop fooling around, Elizabeth. It’s Paul Wright, your boyfriend.” Then your sister said, “Boyfriend. My boyfriend isn’t Paul Wright. It’s…Oh yes, I remember now. Paul. How are things up north?” While she was saying all these things to me, I am sure she was joking, but I started to feel sick again, so I asked her if we could skip the nightly call. I was tired of feeling bad.

    Well, I had a great time showing my friend Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper around the Narrows. We had dinner and went dancing at the Grizzly Bar. Chipper had to kind of “correct” my dancing. She said, “Where did you learn to dance like that, Suds (her nickname for me)? You are dancing like a gay hockey player with parent issues taught you how.” I told Chipper that was the way my sweet girl preferred to dance. Chipper said, “You need to think back to our pow-wow trail days, when we did some real Ojibway dancing.” I did and it all came back to me --the dance styles of my people. Chipper and I had a great time. After we were done, we went back to my relatives’ house in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Chipper said, “That was a great evening, Suds. It helped me make a decision.” I said, “A decision about what? About dancing? Or about your life?” Chipper said, “About your life? Suds, you never used to be this serious before on the pow-wow trail. What has happened to you?” I said, “I think the Ontario Provincial Police life has changed me.” Chipper said, “I don’t know about the OPP, but you better be chipper around Chipper.” Then she tickled me until I was crying for her to stop. It was a great evening. I am back in Otter County and I miss Chipper already. She is a great girl. She reminds me a lot of Elizabeth, except she lives in the Northwest.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    You are the nicest girl ever! A present for me! I don't think you have ever given me a present before. I am trying to remember: birthday, Hannukkah. I don't remember one, but sometimes my memory is bad. I will have to check my April diary.

    I like writing on the walls because I can see all the decisions and choices at once. It's hard to do that in a small notebook. But you are right, as you always are. Mom doesn't like cleaning walls, particularly if I forget and use a permanent marker or unerasable crayon.

    I am surprised your sister's friend Anthony isn't special needs. From what you said, he acts like it. My brother Blair sometimes acts like he is special needs too, but mom and dad get mad when he does that. He's not really special needs either.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:13 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so hung-over. I woke up on the tour bus and I don’t know how I got here. Judging from the way my posteriour feels, I am guessing Irwin "Moose" Chigliak, did not mind an inebriated partner. Marjee said I enjoyed it. I don’t know if that means Marjee watched, or Marjee just heard noises through a wall. I am pretty sure I do not want to ask Marjee that question, although the fact that Marjee was wearing some of my underwear when I woke up was very suspicious.

    We are on our way to Calgary, the "Nashville of the North", for the Calgary Folk Music Festival. Becky is putting on her country music hat, when she is not busy snuggling with her Brynja, her Viking lesbian consort. Calgary is pretty much the exact opposite of Iqaluit. There are 66 acts in the Calgary Folk Music Festival and there is more than one stage and performing area. Jeremy Jones read that his dad, Country Jones is also performing here, and he looks pretty nervous, like he is preparing for a competition. I will write more later, when I feel a little less hung-over.

    Howard K.

  • At 10:21 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, 1st i gotta tell it wuz gr8 hearin’ frum eva last nite. i felt a lot bettah. 2nd i gotta tell u, sum1 marked up howard’s back w/letters sayin’ “the moose wuz here” & an arrow pointin’ down 2 u know where. the rest of the tour crew thinks it iz hysterical. 3rd i gotta tell u, rebeccah came up 2 me this mornin’ & sed, “jeremy. i need u 2 help me make a decision.” i sed, “ok. wut iz it?” then she kissed me rilly hard. i sed, “wut kinda decision wuz that?” rebeccah sed, “don’t complic8 thingz jeremy. ur alwayz complic8in’ thingz.” ‘course she wuz smilin’ wen she sed it. neway, i want eva 2 know, if she hearz ‘bout rebeccah kissin’ me, i wuz taken by surprize, eh? 4th i gotta tell u. my dad iz gonna b @the place we r performin’ n calgary. i am rilly, rilly hopin’ he duzn’t remembah i do the sound for rebeccah. wish me luck, eh?

  • At 11:16 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gd luck, jeremy. mayB howard can help u make a disguise if u really wanna make sure yr dad doesn't notice u.

    howard, wow, soundz like u had quite a nite!

    shannon, no prob abt giving u a notebook. i like having diff notebooks 4 diff purposes.

    mike, i've never sed anthony was "only source of Liz’s problem". i was just sharing w/her how i c things.

    paul, susan soundz cube!


  • At 12:57 PM, Anonymous lonelyanthdad2fran said…


    I really regret buying that cheap shirt I wore when I test drove your sister. I was sweating like a pig because I was so nervious about my new metrosexual look, and the back completely changed color where it soaked through. You know the color of your pee after you eat too many Flintstones chewables? That's what I looked like the rest of the day. Luckily black harem pants and sling pumps go with anything. I think it threw your mom off though, she didn't recognize me when I was saying goodbye to Liz.

    I got home and I wanted to talk to my mom about this emotionally critical day, but she was sitting at the kitchen table with her cancer medications and test results and all that stuff on one side of the table, and like thirty painkillers on the other. I don't know if she was counting them or what, I hardly ever steal them. Francoise likes to play with the childproof cap, but whenever they spill I'm careful about trying to put them all back. Anyway, Mom was talking about needing some help to make a decision, but that's Mom, ever since her illness she doesn't give two poops about me and what kind of day I had.

    I told her to quit bugging me, went to my room and got Francoise out of the dry cleaning bag she'd crawled into (luckily I took the dry cleaning out before dropping it on the floor or she would have probably drooled on it!).

    Your Mom called after that, and it was such a blessing to talk to her. She's so wise about EVERYTHING! At first she was blubbering about an invasion of Martians or something and I told her it was probably just a movie -- though usually they only show that one around Halloween. After about 45 minutes she calmed down (I knew because I checked the clock when I heard the water running in the tub, Francoise likes to play with the tap and when she hangs on the thing all the way to the left it wastes hot water) and I asked her how Elizabeth took our meeting.

    My heart leaped for joy when she said I'd helped Elizabeth make up her mind about something! She made me an Honorary Patterson. It's so good to have such a special friend in both your sister and your Mom. I'm going to go put the eyes back in heads of the paper dolls I made of her.

    Your Mom asked me to "keep an eye on Liz, if you ever happen to be at Crosswinds Apartments #2, Mississauga Ontaria" which I'll be more than happy to do to see if she needs any more protecting. When I think of the number of things she might need protecting from my head spins and I smell charcoal lighter fluid and Mr. Creepy Throat starts to whisper in my ear. Don't worry, April, I'll make sure your sister stays safe and pure. I want to put the "honor" in honorary Patterson.


  • At 1:35 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I so loved the way you threw my inaccurate quoting in my face to invalidate my own point about your opinion of Anthony. That was an excellent technique. I use it myself often. This skill won’t help you in a horse whispering career, but if you decide to go into a writing career, let me know.

    All right. You never said Anthony was the "only source of Liz’s problem". You were just sharing with her how you “c things.” Of course, the way you see things was biased entirely against Anthony and entirely for the exciting constable. Perhaps when you are older, you will think more practically. Then again, if are like Liz and never get out of the university / screaming teenager stage, maybe not.

    With Anthony, you get a stable, family man, with a steady job, who lives in Milborough, and a child already built in. As wishy-washy as Liz is these days, there is no telling how long it would take her to even decide to have children. Not every woman is as deceitful as my lovely Deanna is, when it comes to bearing children.

    With the constable, you get a man who lives so far away the only person in our family to travel up there in the last 2 years was mom. He will be an exciting man, so exciting he is likely to die young in the line of duty, leaving you a grieving widow supporting children by yourself.

    From a practical standpoint, Anthony is the clear choice. Fortunately for us, mom is a practical woman and I think Liz may see Anthony a lot more than she was expecting, while living in Mississauga. A few times of seeing what kind of guy Anthony really is, exciting in his own way, our Liz will come around to the right decision, if she hasn’t already.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Cathy Andrews-Hillman said…


    I know just what you are going through. Before I got married, my mom would “Nag Nag Nag” me about getting married. Now she “Nags Nags Nags” me about having children. Some people would tell you that moms nag and you should get used to it. But no matter how old I get, I find my mom is the one true person who gets to my inner “AACK!”

    I won’t tell you which boyfriend to choose. I hate it when people tell me what to do. I know I couldn’t be happier than I am with my Irving, unless he wants to go golfing and wear those ridiculous golf clothes, or he eats some of my chocolate. Then I wish I never got married. But, then I remember Irving was the only man who was able to keep up with my busy schedule of work, dealing with mom, food, and shopping. My other boyfriends would always find some reason to run screaming away, but not Irving. He proposed on Valentines Day (one of my favorite chocolate days) and we got married on Valentines Day the next year. It was wonderful, except for the weight I gained looking at our giant wedding cake. My advice to you would be: Pick the boyfriend who proposes to you instead of running screaming away from you. He’s a keeper.

    Cathy Andrews-Hillman

  • At 3:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony, i think insteada stealing yr mom's cancer meds, u shd check in2 a psych ward an' get evaluated 2 find if u cd get help from anti-psychotic meds. when we had health class in middle school, there was a unit on mental health. an' they told us that hearing voices in yr head is a v. v. bad sign an' u shd hurry up an' get evaluated if that happens.

    and u can't b letting a baby play in a plastic bag or unsupervised in a bathtub. that's how u end up w/a dead baby!

    mike, r u even reading anthony's posts? pls read them carefully b4 u decide he's so nice an' stable.

    and what's wrong w/living far away? mom an' dad both live far away from where they grew up. and don't try 2 tell me mom didn't really grow up in british columbia and dad didn't really grow up in manitoba.

    cathy, rn't u too old 2 have kidz? mayB if u xxplain 2 yr mother that u've already been thru menopause, she'll back off.


  • At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Just for you, I decided to read Anthony’s post for today one more time. Let’s see what is there, hum?

    Paragraph #1: Anthony regrets buying a lower quality shirt because it changed colour when he sweated. I hate when that happens to me too. If you think about it carefully, little sis, our family does not have much room to complain when it comes to the colour choices for our clothing. Deanna and I are trying to save money, so we haven’t spent much money on clothes since our honeymoon / shopping spree in 2002. I think it was a few seconds after our honeymoon was over, Deanna announced her pregnancy. We haven’t been able to afford nice clothes ever since. Some people would say it was extremely coincidental that most of our honeymoon was spent clothes-shopping for Deanna just before Deanna’s little announcement. But that’s my lovely Deanna for you. She is just full of coincidences.

    Paragraph #2: Anthony described how he couldn’t talk to his mom because she was too busy spending her time trying to make a decision. Anthony describes how he tries to make sure his daughter doesn’t get into his mother’s spilled medicines. I can see he is being a good father and trying to protect his daughter. As for his mother, having conversations with sick people can be very difficult. It’s hard for them to concentrate on your problems, when they are overwhelmed by their own. Anthony obviously realized that and opted to keep his excitement about talking to Liz to himself for now. It seems like the right thing to do. I know when my boy has his earaches; it is certainly not the right time for a long conversation with him. It is just common sense.

    Paragraph #3: Anthony talks about how he avoids mistaking his daughter for dry-cleaning, after he dropped an empty dry cleaning bag on the floor. Children can be such scamps getting into things. Have I told you that we are still finding stickers in places in our apartment, from where my mother-in-law Mira foolishly gave sticker books to my kids? I know just what Anthony is going through. Kids. It’s hard to keep up with where they are all the time.

    Paragraph #4: Anthony is called by our mom, and he calls her a blessing. Once again, I feel a jealous pang over how good a mother-in-law he is going to have when he marries our Liz. He is going to fit in with our family so well. I am sure you have noticed, Mom never calls Liz’s constable boyfriend. That should tell you something about him, eh?

    Paragraph #5: Mom makes Anthony an Honorary Patterson. That is a huge honour. It is probably more of an honour than getting a spirit name from the place where Lizardbreath lived the last 2 years. How many people have been made an Honorary Patterson? I can only think of Gordon Mayes, Lawrence Poirier, and your friend Duncan Anderson. That is not a long list and Anthony is on it.

    Paragraph #6: Mom asks Anthony to keep an eye on Liz. And who better for the job than someone who cares so deeply for Liz already? I would say it is better protection than protection a police constable would give. After all, if Liz had to rely on the police, Liz would have been completely gone after last August, instead of the partial, gone-afterus interruptus, she got because of…yes…that great guy Anthony. Liz is in very safe hands. As for hearing voices in your head, it happens to me all the time. The inspiration for my novel, Sheilagh, oftentimes tells me new things to put into her story. All it means is that Anthony is very creative and his muse has a bad throat.

    Per your request, I looked over Anthony’s post. Thank you for that suggestion, little sis. It appears to me that Anthony Caine is even a better person than I thought before. With a guy as good as Anthony, I don’t know how anyone with a law enforcement background can beat him for goodness and stability.

    I noticed what you said to Cathy Andrews-Hillman about being through menopause. Is that possible? When I talk to mom about it, she seems to think she will go to her grave flapping her arms.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigah, mike, u think u r such a gr8 reader, but u r not. anthony sez he stealz pain medz from his mom, who has cancer. he *tries* 2 put all the pills away so françoise can't ge them (but doesn't necessarily succeed. plus his mother had 30 of them counted out while she was looking @ her test results. an u know what i did rite b4 i started writing this post? i called 911, cuz i think the decision she'z been trying 2 make is whether or not 2 suicide herself. but anthony is 2 selfish 2 notice that.

    when anthony discovered that françoise had CRAWLED IN2 A DRY-CLEANING BAG, insteada thanking GOD she hadn't suffocated, he was glad he'd gotten the dry cleaning out so she didn't dirty it. and u, like, applaud him 4 not THINKING SHE'S HIS DRYCLEANING? omg.

    and this bit: "I knew because I checked the clock when I heard the water running in the tub, Francoise likes to play with the tap and when she hangs on the thing all the way to the left it wastes hot water"? after he left f. alone w/the big plastic bag 2 suffocate in, he let her play by herself in the bath when he knowz she runs the water? and he's not worried abt her drowning or scalding herself 2 death, but he'z worried abt wasting the friggin' hot water? mike, how'd u manage 2 miss all that? my english teacher this yr wd talk abt "strong readers" a lot. well, u read that anthony post v. v. weakly.


  • At 10:41 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, rebeccah did pretty well @the calgary folk music festival, evn tho it is pretty big tyme. aftah she wuz done, i started takin’ down equipment & i heard this voice i didn’t wanna hear. he sed, “i thot that wuz ur girl singin’ up there. she didn’t sound half-bad, even tho u had the bass and the reverb set 2 hi.” i know that may sound like an insult, but comin’ frum my dad, it wuz 1 of the nicer thingz he has sed 2 me. i sed, “hi dad.” then dad looked ‘round & sed, “jesus crackerz, son. iz ur whole stage crew gay?” i sed, “actually, yes. i’m the only str8 guy.” then dad sed, “i guess that meanz no competition 4u w/ur leadin’ lady singer.” i sed, “well actually, dad…” then about that tyme, brynja & rebeccah kinda kissed each othah n fronta every1. dad sed, “drove 1 2 the dark side, did ya? son, u needta learn 2 take a woman the othah way. ur dad haz nevah lost a girl 2 the lesbos b4, but i have converted plenny.” i sed, “thass good 2 know, dad. so glad u told me that.”

    ‘bout this tyme, marjee mahaha came ovah & sed, “jeremy. i needta talk 2u.” my dad sed, “& who iz this gorgeous creature?” i sed, “this is marjee mahaha.” my dad sed, “well, little lady. if u get tired of hanging ‘round the queers, u can always visit country jones. i can give u the kinda welcome a girl az fine az u deservez.” i sed, “marjee this iz my dad, country jones.” marjee sed, “sorry, mr. jonez. jeremy iz all the man i can handle.” then she did sumthin’ 2 me which i am rilly hopin’ eva nevah findz out ‘bout. marjee sed, “talk 2u l8er, jeremy.”

    my dad sed, “damn! son! thoze native girlz give sum good lovin’.” i sed, “actually, she iz ½ native. her dad iz the big blond guy ovah there.” & i pointed 2 thorvald. my dad sed, “the viking queer?” i sed, “thass 1 way of puttin’ it.” my dad sed, “no offence, son, but u prolly don’t wanna consider her long term. ur kidz wud b ¼ native, & the peeps n mboro r not rilly n2 ¼–breedz if u know wut i mean.” i sed, “wut r u talkin’ ‘bout?” my dad sed, “well, mebbe thingz r diffrent, now. but wen i lived n mboro, ½ breeds were allowed, but not ¼-breeds.” i sed, “thass crayzee. one of my best friendz haz a sis who iz d8in’ a police constable who iz ½ irish & ½ ojibway. if they have kids, they will b ¼ ojibway.” my dad sed, “n mboro? no way. lissen up, son. there will b peeps who will b workin’ overtyme 2c that relationship fail.” well, my dad iz full of it, eh?

    rebeccah came ovah w/ brynja & sed, “mr. jones. i haven’t seen u since ur valentine’z day concert n mboro. u were xxcellent 2nite.” my dad sed, “girly. u didn’t sound ½ bad urself, evn w/ur choice n a sound man. i can also c u have found a bettah way of life than my boy, since then.” rebeccah sed, “bettah way? oh u mean brynja here. actually, i wuz meanin’ 2 compliment jeremy on how well he did w/my sound 2nite.” then rebeccah kinda kissed me a little & then she sed, “brynja haz sumthin’ 2 tell jeremy 2.” brynja looked a little startled, but then bynja kissed me a little. my dad sed, “damn! son! i shud b tourin’ w/u. i wuz gonna offer 2 buy u a beer & a whore, but it duzn’t look like u need my help @all. cu ‘round. i gotta lady w8in’ 4 me now, & she chargez by the hour.” well, aftah dad left, rebeccah sed, “don’t xxpect that kinda lovin’ all the tyme. this wuz a speshul occasion.” i sed, “all right. thanx, neway, rebeccah.”

    az u can tell, thingz went a lot bettah than xxpected w/my dad. i know if eva asks if i kissed ne1 2nite, i will tell her the truth. i just hope she duzn’t ask, eh?

  • At 10:49 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I do not like to have to talk to you like a bossy big sister, but I am going to tell you right now that you have to stop criticizing Anthony on your blog. It is just not right. He is a grown up and you are a child. It is not your place to talk about him like that. Also Anthony is a very responsible man. He has a good job and a baby he is raising all on his own.

    I don't know why you are talking about him like this anyway. As you know even good two-parent families sometimes have the kinds of things happen where you can't watch the child every second or make the whole world perfectly safe for them. For example there is no way for Deanna to get rid of the staircase in her apartment building so there is always going to be the danger that Merry will fall down it when she is playing in the hall. Also it is very shocking that you do not remember that Mom and Dad live by a river and couldn't watch you all the time or put up a fence or something and so you almost drowned. These things happen. What do you expect Anthony to do--get rid of his Mom's cancer pills or stop having his clothes cleaned?

    Also you have to understand that there will be more of these unavoidable incidents because Anthony is a single father and not only does that mean there is only one parent but it is a male parent and so there is the female touch lacking. Just ask Dee and Mom if you don't believe me but baby proofing a house is the mom's job. Dad's don't do that stuff, they just don't know how. The person you should be criticizing if anyone is Anthony's mom. It sounds to me like she is being very selfish by spending all her time complaining about being sick when she should be putting the Grand in Grandma and also doing the female touches like picking up stuff that falls on the floor.

    Also I don't think you know anything about pharmacy stuff so maybe you shouldn't criticize Anthony. I called Dee to ask tonight and she said when Anthony came to get his Mom's cancer pill prescriptions filled that he asked her if it was okay for other people to maybe borrow one or two of her pain pills sometimes like for the headaches you get when your cheating Quebecoise whore wife goes roadside with some guy from her job and leaves you alone with a little baby who just won't stop screaming sometimes and Dee told him it was okay as long as he let any other pain medicines clear his system first.

    I am very upset with you right now. You know better. We are all proud of Anthony for being a single dad and you need to get on board. Just ask Mom and Dad if you don't believe me.


  • At 11:01 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Wow! Are you sure you read the same letter I did? Anthony Caine stealing medicine from his mom? Anthony Caine’s mom deciding about committing suicide? Calling 911 on Anthony’s mom? Anthony’s child suffocating in a dry-cleaning bag? Anthony’s child drowning or scalding herself to death?

    Well, unlike my little sis, the strong reader, I called Anthony Caine myself and he assured me his daughter is still alive and not suffocated, drowned or scalded; and his mother is still alive and has put her medicine away after a good counting. He also said he had a nice visit from the emergency rescue squad, where he had to explain to them you were overreacting to something you read. Apparently the squad said that they had heard all about your bad behaviour from mom, and they weren’t surprised. The same person you maligned with your false accusations, one Anthony Caine, had to talk them out of coming to give you a personal visit to discuss why it is wrong to be prank calling on 911.

    Really, little sis. You should know better. Those people have better things to do with their time than to deal with your overreactions. You are so lucky Anthony stuck up for you. Can you imagine how mom would react, if she saw you being lectured by the emergency rescue squad?

    Remember you are a Patterson. The next time you want to do something, think about the consequences. Then think again and again and again. If you think about it long enough, you won't have to do anything, and maybe someone else will have done it for you. That is the Patterson way.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 11:02 PM, Anonymous lonelyanthdad2fran said…

    Mike, Liz, and April,

    I'd always heard stories from Gord and Lawrence about being an honorary Patterson, how it changes your life more than love, the birth of a child, or Scientology. As a wise teacher I'm very fond of says: "seeing is believing."

    Now I've seen. It's already changing my life. What I see and speak here is the truth:

    My evening started out badly. Mom was being a real lazybones about dinner and I was getting very hungry and Francoise was cranky. I gave Francoise a can of Coke (it made her kinda burpy!) and tried to wake up Mom, but she'd fallen asleep writing a letter. Cancer makes you so tired it's hard to cook three meals a day and do laundry and housework, so she does tend to sleep deeply, but no mater how much I shouted she ignored me.

    I was reading the instructions on some mac & cheese, wishing something would get Mom up when I heard sirens. Next thing I knew firemen and paramedics were pounding on the door. They asked where my mom was and I showed them, and they used a special bag with some wires to wake Mom up.

    There were police officers too. One of them was reading the letter my mom was writing and using some very foul language. I asked him how long before they'd be done and Mom would be able to cook dinner and the officer reading hauled off and hit me! Broke my glasses and everything.

    The violent cop's name was "B. Lug-somethingorother." I think he's a bad seed, that's what Gord's lawyer said when I called him anyway. Gord's lawyer is none too fond of the police and he said I had a "major lawsuit" for police brutality and he'd handle the lawsuit for a percentage, plus fees and overrides and expenses and miscellaneous debentures. He said he'd make the police squeal so loud any cop would crap themselves rather than touch me ever again. Anyway, he's talking a lot of money. Enough to pay back Gord for the fire and buy me some better quality shirts.

    To celebrate after I hung up with the lawyer I taped up my glasses and ordered a pizza. It's funny to watch Francoise try to eat it without teeth, she's just sucking the grease off the cheese. Mom's staying at the hospital overnight. Your Mom is wonderful, she offered to come over and help out a little. Or at least send you, April, to do a little housework and calm Francoise down because now she's all colicy. She says you need experience with babies anyway, since Liz got a lot with you, and Mike's kids are too far away for you to take your bike.

    If this is being a Patterson, I'm loving it!


  • At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. I guess when Anthony told me his mother put her medicine away, I assumed in the medicine cabinet. And I guess when Anthony said his mother was well, I assumed she was not in hospital. And I guess when Anthony told me he talked the firemen and paramedics out of visiting you, I assumed it was a nonviolent conversation. But you know what they say about when you assume, you need to look for donkeys or something like that. I should listen better, the next time someone tells me that joke.

    Mom said she was very excited Anthony’s child was sick, or I should say, mom’s future grandchild (at least that’s what she called it). Mom said it was an excellent opportunity to show Anthony what having her as a mother-in-law would be like. Mom really likes helping out sick grandchildren, as I can tell from when my boy has his earaches.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:20 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    If you read this message, I just want to tell you that I am very sorry about what happened to you. Suicide is such a selfish thing to do and it's not like you haven't already had enough selfish women wrecking your life this year, huh? Your mom really should of thought about what she was doing to you before she took those pills. Then again it was probably an accident anyway, right?



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