The tide is high, but the sand is hot.
So, yesterday afternoon, I went 2 the beach w/"Ger", Dunc, an' Eva. Luis had other planz. The sand was hot. Ppl were running over it, all ouch-ouch-ouch. When we decided 2 go in2 the water, fr. where we were sitting under a big beach umbrella, "Ger" was all, "U guyz ready?" An I was all, "Yeah." Ger went, "Let's go 4 it!!!" And we all ran, with our strides, like, matching xxactly, an' once we were in the water, "Ger" was all, "Everybody'z doing the beach sand boogie!" And I was, like, "When it's hot--it's hot!"
But, like, so what? I dunno Y I'm even telling U this, when there R so many other topix I cd B discussing here, but that's what came in2 my head when I sat down 2 write this morning. Sorry, d00dz.
Edit: Sum ppl have IM'ed me 2 ask Y the eff no1 @ the beach was wearing, like, sandals! This is a v. gd question, cuz this is what normal ppl wd do @ the beach, eh? Well, U C, my mom is on a committee that sets policiez 4 this beach, and she got thisbug up her but idea in her head that all footwear shd B banned fr. the beach cuz it wd keep the sand cleaner. She didn't think of how ppl wd burn their feet, tho! I will try 2 get Mom 2 go and C 4 herself this afternoon. MayB if she burnz her feet, she'll get that committee 2 undo its dumbarse policy.
Apes
But, like, so what? I dunno Y I'm even telling U this, when there R so many other topix I cd B discussing here, but that's what came in2 my head when I sat down 2 write this morning. Sorry, d00dz.
Edit: Sum ppl have IM'ed me 2 ask Y the eff no1 @ the beach was wearing, like, sandals! This is a v. gd question, cuz this is what normal ppl wd do @ the beach, eh? Well, U C, my mom is on a committee that sets policiez 4 this beach, and she got this
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:01 AM
18 Comments:
At 9:15 AM,
howard said…
April,
Beach sand boogie? That’s an odd coincidence.
I have just gotten to the point where that nasty red hair dye is no longer draining out of my hands, so I can write to you again. We are now in Vancouver and oddly enough, Becky has written a new song called the “Beach Sand Boogie” which I think is derived from some of her activities with Jeremy at Vancouver’s clothing-optional, Wreck Beach. Needless to say, the whole touring group went without clothing, mainly to give us a chance to wash Thorvald’s undergarments while he was on the beach. After weeks of touring, he was beginning to reek. We sent to him to Wreck, so he wouldn’t reek.
Becky and Jeremy are hush-hush about what happened between the two of them on the beach, but let’s just say that “Beach Sand Boogie” has several double-entendres in it that could be interpreted as people forgetting to wear sandals on hot sand or it could be something else. They are astonishingly similar to some of things who reported you said happened on your beach excursion. For example, this the first verse.
You guys ready? Yeah!
Let’s go for it.
I am with my guy
I’m not worried ‘bout my tan,
‘Cause I’m going swimming
With my man
We have sand between our toes,
We have sand in out hair
We even have sand
Where would we have underwear
When it’s hot, it’s hot
That sand is burning me up.
But I’m with my guy
And he fills me all up.
Chorus:
We’re doing the beach sand boogie.
We’re doing the beach sand boogie.
And when we’re done,
The sand will never be the same.
You get the idea. Jeremy’s hair is slowly growing back in, after it dropped out from our unfortunately dyeing experience a week ago. Becky has a thing for bald guys (who knew?) and she has been encouraging Jeremy to keep it bald.
Thanks to touring, I have met some nice guys, I could think about relocating to visit. Unfortunately, my legal issues keep me tied to Milborough for the foreseeable future. I met a nice guy named Matthew that alleviated a lot of the pressures I had. I was quite relaxed during our trip to the west coast, thanks to Matthew. Right now, the plan is to tour from west to east until we get back to Milborough. Now that the dye is out of my hands, I will try to post our progress more often.
Howard K.
At 9:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom did not just get an idea in her head that all footwear should be banned from the beach. It was because of what happened with my misguided mother-in-law, Mira Sobinski, last summer at Lake Heron. After my lovely Dee informed mom that even though she (Dee) was appropriately wearing no footwear to the beach, Mira insisted my daughter wear not only footwear but a far-too-expensive outfit, she should never have gotten my daughter in the first place. Naturally, my daughter agrees with me about the outfit, but went about the wrong way to get rid of it, no thanks to the footwear.
So, in order to keep other misguided people from making the same mistake, mom got the beach committee to ban footwear. If you have seen the people on the beach lately, they are not exactly attractive (yourself excluded of course, since you are a Patterson). Mom doesn’t like any of them getting the idea that they should consider clothing optional, just because they are wearing footwear. I am sure when you think about it; you will realize a little hotfooted running is far better than the alternative.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:44 AM,
April Patterson said…
howard, that's funny that becks wrote a song like that, what a co-inky-dinky!
mike, that doesn't even make sense. y wd having footwear make ppl think they shd take all their clothes off? insteada just keeping their feet fr. burning. i wd think it's the opposite. if ppl were, like, in2 taking off all their clothes @ the beach, then already having naked feet wd just b, like, step 1.
apes
At 9:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writing about your beach trip. Hot sand and beaches are like a foreign land from what we are used to in the Northwest. When I get my transfer to Toronto to be with my sweet girl, I guess I will need to get used to getting burned.
Work has been very busy and I have not written you in awhile. I also had some time off, but not long enough to make the trip to visit your sister. I got to visit my friend, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). We got to do some lake swimming. Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) has a very nice lake, but it is always a good idea to wear footwear, because the bottom of the lake is not sandy, and has things that can cut feet. Your ngashi (mother’s) ban on footwear would never make it past a Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) band council committee. Even the people, who swim in the middle of the night without wearing any clothes, will still wear footwear. Swimming with Chipper reminded me of the old days when we were much younger on the pow-wow trail.
A strange thing happened when I was swimming. I kept getting this image of my kissing your sister, repeating over and over in my head. It was an odd picture too, because I could see both of us clearly, and the kissing was not obscured by shadow or hidden where no one could see it. It was not like our kissing has always been. Chipper came to my rescue. She said anyone seeing images of kissing your sister over and over again without stopping were suffering from the effects of bad dreaming. Chipper said any good Ojibway woman knows the way to stop a repeating waking dream, and she was right. After she applied her techniques, the image of kissing your sister was gone from my head. I felt like I could think clearly again. Chipper is a great girl. I hope you get to meet her sometime.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I know it doesn't make sense that wearing footwear would make people think they should take all their clothes off, but I have grown accustomed to the fact that very little of what my mother-in-law does makes any sense. However, as a Patterson, you know the importance of bare feet on the beach. I am sure if you think back to all the times you have been on the beach with your friends, you will find that most of the time, you are not wearing footwear, but you have your bathing garments firmly on your body, as a good Patterson should. Well, there was that time when you were unable to keep your top on when you went pier diving a few years ago. That story still gives mom and dad a good sticky-out tongue laugh, when they tell it to friends and acquaintances.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
When I go swimming, I have to wear sandals and a full length bathing suit. Don't feel bad, but my mom says that you need to wear sandals to the beach so you don't step on things hidden in the sand, like broken glass or cans. She said if anyone bothered us about it, she would tell people I was special needs and I needed extra protection. Sometimes, my mom likes me being special needs. She says it protects her from "stupid people". I did not understand it, but I was glad mom thinks "stupid people" are different from special needs people. My mom is great.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:24 AM,
April Patterson said…
mike, it's not true that i was "unable" 2 keep my top on. becks pulled it off, as a prank, after i'd pulled off ger's trunks as a prank (don't worry, i didn't c nething, i just held on2 the trunks as he was diving off the pier). but i guess i can't xxpect u 2 b bothered w/the deets, or let that get in the way of yr sticky-outy-tung laffing.
shannon, there r lots of st00pid ppl, yr mom is rite abt that.
paul, did u have, like, a weird "beep" sound in yr head between replays?
apes
At 10:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Blaming Becky McGuire for your top loss. It's times like this when I know you are growing to become a full-fledged Patterson. I know mom says the real reason your top dropped is because you had nothing to hold it up, but in the face of adversity you blame others. Mom and dad would be so proud of you, you've picked up their teaching of proper Patterson behaviour.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:48 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writing about the "beep" sound. Now you mention it, I do remember a "beep" sound. I think I must have thought it was one of the louder Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) insects. When you are swimming in the middle of the night, you hear all kinds of sounds.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:36 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
My feet r still sore fr the sand but I dunno how we cld of avoided the run fr the beach blanket 2 the water who swims w/ shoes on neway? Im glad we didnt go till aft I got off work the sand wld of been a killah erlier in the day.
Faustus slept on my bed last nite I dunno y he likes me so much l8ly. Its 2 hot 4 another body in the bed rite now. I kept shoving him off & he kept jumping back on the bed til I gave up. When I woke up this am I had this rilly cube idea 2 go 2 the Mississauga Ribfest. Zed wasnt very keen @ 1st but Enids creepy bf has a van 2day & hes going 2 drive us there.
I can hear Zed talking 2 my mom downstairs so I guess they r here 2 pick me up.
L8r.
At 1:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, did u even look @ the pix u linked 2, the stillz fr. the video dad shot that day @ the pier? it's obvs what happed, u can c becky holding up my 'kini top after she swiped it fr. me. geez, do u work @ not understanding stuff like this?
dunc, i have a weird feeling yr cat has stowed away w/u 2 missisauga.
apes
At 3:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Of course, I looked at the pictures I linked. As a professional writer, my powers of observation are unparalleled. I can see that little miscreant, Becky McGuire, holding up your bikini top. The only pictures of actual bathing suit swiping are someone removing those of your boyfriend's. I understand perfectly your motivations for blaming Becky McGuire again. Perhaps she is the guilty party or perhaps she simply picked up a top that had come loose. However, as any good Patterson knows, a person you can blame once, you can blame more than once. I am so proud to see my little sis carrying on the family traditions.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Your friend, Duncan, asked who swims with shoes on anyway? I do. I have waterproof swim shoes to wear in the lake or the ocean. My mother says if I am wearing those, she does not have to worry about me cutting my feet on things at the bottom of the lake. She says the lake is so polluted, I need to take every precaution with my feet. Duncan's feet are sore. My feet feel nice and fresh as a daisy. I would offer to let you touch them, but my mother says I shouldn't do that anymore.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 5:14 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Apes, I remember that day @ the beach. Y did yr dad wave a weenie in the air when Ger lost his trunks?
L8r.
p.s. Faustus is locked in the van. Evrythings cube.
At 5:14 PM,
duncan anderson said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 8:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, dunc, i dunno abt the weiner in the air. my 'rents r such freaks. i'm glad faustus is ok.
mike, i don't think it's cube that u seem 2 b saying it wd b ok 4 me 2 "blame" becky 4 sumthing she didn't do. i don't think that's ok and i wdn't do that. i'm only saying what happened. i'm not "blaming", "blaming" soundz like i'm saying sumthing that isn't true. y can't u just believe me?
apes
At 9:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Remember the lessons mom and dad taught you. A Patterson is always right, unless you are disagreeing with mom and dad. If your bikini top is gone from your body and Becky McGuire is holding it, then obviously she is the guilty party and not your flat bosom and the water pressure associated with diving off a pier. I would never tell you to say something that isn’t true, but you do have to have perspective. For example, your friend Duncan remembers dad waving a weenie in the air when your boyfriend lost his trunks. But mom remembers she was the one who was the weenie waver. Mom has said many times that if you want your weenie burned so that it is completely unpalatable and inedible, see dad. If you want a wholesome and nutritious weenie waved, see her. So you can see, it is a matter of perspective.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:44 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG. I dunno how Faustus got in2 the van & I dunno how Faustus got outta the van but hes gone.
We tried 2 find him but its rilly hard 2 c a black cat aft dark & we kept getting lost cos evry street in Mississauga looks the same.
Im so boned. Its bn ok @ home since Perdita left no1s bn fiting. I guess the good times r ovah now Ive lost my moms favrite cat.
L8r.
p.s. Can I go 2 Manitoba w/ u, Apes? I dont think I cld lose a horse.
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