Sum Guy Named Jeff
Yeah, I've got more "Mike" stuff 2 tell U abt, but @ least we're off the "yard/kiddie-pool" story an' on 2 sumthing else. The bad newz abt the sumthing else is that this prolly meanz I'll B on this sumthing else all of next week, Mon-Sat. Don't say I didn't warn U, eh?
Mike was in his office after hours, working on his "novel", and this guy Jeff poked his head in2 the office, all, "Working l8 2nite, Mike?" And Mike went, "It's a personal project, Jeff. My office @ home is in an attic--so it's 2 hot 2 work there." Jeff was, like, "What R U writing?" Mike was all, "Oh--I'm taking a shot @ a book. It's a learning process. I've only dun a few chapters, but..." And B4 Mike had a chance to switch from his faux-modesty 2 the usual Mike bragging, Jeff was all interrupting him w/"A BOOK?!! What's it about? Do U have a publisher? Gimme an outline! --Can I read sumthing?" Then as Jeff continued talking Mike tuned him out so he cd think, "Never tell anyone that U're:
LOL, he shd tell that 2 Mom an' Dad. Imagine how little they'd have 2 say, in person an' in their monthly letterz, w/out telling ppl abt dieting, xxercising, or taking a course!
Mike, do U need sum discouragement? I can give U discouragement if U want. And BTW, has it occurred 2 U that while U're staying l8 @ yr office in air-conditioned comfort, that Dee, Merrie (yr daughter), and Robin (yr son) R hot an' uncomfortable @ home? The main floor may not B as hot as the attic, but U sure spent a lot of time establishing that it gets plenty hot on the main floor. And did U buy a new air conditioner yet? And besides, this is yr second summer in that apt, and U knew the attic gets hot in the summer fr. last yr. How 'bout U go out and buy another air conditioner 4 the attic? I know, U want an xxcuse 2 stay away from home!
Oh, I almost 4got 2 answer Becks. 4 those of U who didn't C her posts yesterday, her Dad was all pressuring her 2 go make out w/a girl cuz he has this idea in his head that she's supposta go thru sum "lesbian phase", and that she'z due 2 go thru it around now. I'm not clear on whether this is a "Viking" tradition or a "McGuire" tradition. And she tried 2 find a girl 2 kiss @ sum girl-bar wherev they all were yesterday, only all the chix there were, like, married 2 other chix. And they wdn't kiss Becks! And her Dad is pressuring her, so she told him she'd make out w/me when they got back fr. the tour! She wants 2 C if I'll help her w/this lil prob. So, get this, Becks. Ger, of course, saw yr post and immediately made this, like, emergency call fromViking camp in Iceland soccer camp. And he was, all, "April-Flower! U must do this, as it is a particular fantasy of mine 2 C this particular event transpire! Only, U must w8 until I have returned from camp! And let me watch! I promise if U do this, I will reward U handsomely!" But meanwhile, Luis saw the post, 2, and he totally wants 2 watch, 2. So he told, U know, "Gerald", who also totally wants 2 C this, like ASAP, IYKWIM! Uh-oh, guyz, what shd we do?!?!?!?!?
Apes
Mike was in his office after hours, working on his "novel", and this guy Jeff poked his head in2 the office, all, "Working l8 2nite, Mike?" And Mike went, "It's a personal project, Jeff. My office @ home is in an attic--so it's 2 hot 2 work there." Jeff was, like, "What R U writing?" Mike was all, "Oh--I'm taking a shot @ a book. It's a learning process. I've only dun a few chapters, but..." And B4 Mike had a chance to switch from his faux-modesty 2 the usual Mike bragging, Jeff was all interrupting him w/"A BOOK?!! What's it about? Do U have a publisher? Gimme an outline! --Can I read sumthing?" Then as Jeff continued talking Mike tuned him out so he cd think, "Never tell anyone that U're:
- Writing a book,
- Going on a diet,
- Exercising,
- Taking a course, or
- Quitting smoking.
LOL, he shd tell that 2 Mom an' Dad. Imagine how little they'd have 2 say, in person an' in their monthly letterz, w/out telling ppl abt dieting, xxercising, or taking a course!
Mike, do U need sum discouragement? I can give U discouragement if U want. And BTW, has it occurred 2 U that while U're staying l8 @ yr office in air-conditioned comfort, that Dee, Merrie (yr daughter), and Robin (yr son) R hot an' uncomfortable @ home? The main floor may not B as hot as the attic, but U sure spent a lot of time establishing that it gets plenty hot on the main floor. And did U buy a new air conditioner yet? And besides, this is yr second summer in that apt, and U knew the attic gets hot in the summer fr. last yr. How 'bout U go out and buy another air conditioner 4 the attic? I know, U want an xxcuse 2 stay away from home!
Oh, I almost 4got 2 answer Becks. 4 those of U who didn't C her posts yesterday, her Dad was all pressuring her 2 go make out w/a girl cuz he has this idea in his head that she's supposta go thru sum "lesbian phase", and that she'z due 2 go thru it around now. I'm not clear on whether this is a "Viking" tradition or a "McGuire" tradition. And she tried 2 find a girl 2 kiss @ sum girl-bar wherev they all were yesterday, only all the chix there were, like, married 2 other chix. And they wdn't kiss Becks! And her Dad is pressuring her, so she told him she'd make out w/me when they got back fr. the tour! She wants 2 C if I'll help her w/this lil prob. So, get this, Becks. Ger, of course, saw yr post and immediately made this, like, emergency call from
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:06 AM
16 Comments:
At 8:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, OMG, Gerald is being such a typical guy, man! Like, "the world is my personal s3xx show!" It figures, yo!
Eva
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writing about your niijikiwenh (brother’s) discussion with his coworker Jeff about his book. Your brother’s list is interesting. If I were to make a list of "Never tell anyone that your”, it would be:
• Going for coffee cake,
• Dating a white girl,
• Buying a fresh fish for your girlfriend’s cat,
• Making a work transfer request 2 times in one year, or
• Talking to your girlfriend on the phone while you are at work.
I have made the mistake of telling some people these things this year, and although they do not encourage you to death, they will use native humour so much, you begin to wish they knew some other kind of humour. My sweet girl is fond of puns, for instance.
As for as publically kissing your friend Becky, this is the sort of thing that in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) people would never forget and you would hear about it for the rest of your life, possibly with a humourous nickname. It may be different in Toronto or Milborough, but if you were in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I would recommend not doing it. Also, I would add it to the “never tell anyone that your” list of things. “Asking your girlfriend what she thought about girls kissing other girls.” It raised too many questions which I could not answer. As far as the law goes, it is not illegal. There are no worries there.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You’re thinking about kissing Becky McGuire?!? Ew! Do want to get a disease? I think I need to go to my apartment now. Before I go, I liked your brother’s list. I know all about being encouraged to death. When you are special needs, any time you do anything, you get all this encouragement. When I go some place and I don’t get lost, my mother sometimes does a little cheer. It’s so embarrassing. This would be my list:
Never tell anyone that you’re:
• Writing an e-mail,
• Going to a card shop,
• Exercising in an adult swimming pool,
• Taking a course taught by a talking computer, or
• Quitting this world for your apartment.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:53 AM,
howard said…
April,
Notes from the tour. I am trying to get used to seeing redheaded Jeremy Jones (or Howard, Jr., as he is being called). It is so eerie to see him. I have to keep reminding myself that 15 years ago, it was not possible for me to impregnate anyone.
We are preparing for Becky’s performance in the 5th annual St. Johns Jazz Festival in Harbourside Park. It is an outdoor performance, so the logistics are a little different. It is keeping Becky busy, which is good, so she doesn’t concentrate on waiting for your response to her kissing request. Becky is a good kisser. I have trained her myself, so I don’t think you will mind it at all. Just make sure she doesn’t do a bilabial vibration kiss on you. You could find the sudden loss of control for your bodily functions disorienting. Just a little necking to get her father, Thorvald off her back should do it. Becky keeps saying the moment would be for her career like Madonna kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. I hope it will not be as highly publicized as that, and also I hope it will not have the same effect as it did on Britney Spears’ career.
As for the other part of your Blog entry, my "Never tell anyone that you’re” list would be:
• Engaged to marry an underage girl,
• Sleeping with someone’s half-sister,
• Going after a girl to try to get her back together with her grandfather,
• Not wearing underwear under a chiffon dress, or
• Waiting for pending legal action for assault.
I can tell you, I have had some strained conversations over these very things.
Howard K.
At 10:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Jeff. I forgot I told you about him. The guy just cannot stop talking. Once he starts going, you almost want to kill yourself, or as I so cleverly worded it, “Encourage you to death.” Fortunately for me, my fantastic writer’s brain was able to tune him out and concentrate on writing my next weekly column. It will be entitled, “Never Tell Anyone That You’re”. Obviously, I do not have all of those experiences, I told you about, like “going on a diet” or “exercising” or “quitting smoking” but I know people who have (like mom, except for the smoking part), and I thought it would be good to include those things, so my readers could relate more to what I was writing.
You asked me a lot of questions in your Blog entry today. I will try to take the time to answer them.
Mike, do U need sum discouragement?
Answer: No. Simply seeing people like Jeff at work is discouraging enough.
And BTW, has it occurred 2 U that while U're staying l8 @ yr office in air-conditioned comfort, that Dee, Merrie (yr daughter), and Robin (yr son) R hot an' uncomfortable @ home?
Answer: Not if they are by the new air conditioner they are not. Are you suggesting I bring my family to work? I know you are used to working at Lilliput’s, but there are places where people work, which don’t encourage families to visit, like Portrait Magazine.
And did U buy a new air conditioner yet?
Answer: Yes, of course. We found one which was under Lovey’s price limit.
How 'bout U go out and buy another air conditioner 4 the attic?
Answer: The air conditioners go with the apartment. I already failed Lovey by not being able to repair the last one. I would not want to impose by asking for another. It would not be fair to that kind lady, who has done so many things for us.
As for your slutty friend, Becky McGuire, do not allow her to tarnish your Patterson reputation with public displays of affection. You are a Patterson, and you have a responsibility to act like a Patterson. Your destiny is with your childhood sweetheart. So, unless you think that by kissing this girl, you can rehabilitate her from her immoral behaviour, like when Lizardbreath had her relationship with her friend Candace, then I strongly recommend you don’t do it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, count me on the list of peeps who wunts 2cu kiss rebeccah, unless it gets me n trub w/eva. u know, howie may b 1 freakingly weird guy, but he gets a lotta respekt. peeps r actually treatin’ me bettah w/red hair. i am no longah just the h.s. str8 guy, who look like he iz 40. it’s kinda nice, actually.
since every1 iz doing ur bro’s list, i will 2. this wud b my list:
nevah tell ne1ur:
• actually 15 & not 40, wen ur buyin’ beer,
• dad iz the same jones az playz country musick,
• scarz came frum wen u tried 2 run down april patterson,
• gettin’ sum1 tix 2 a show, no1 can get tix 2, or
• never gonna tell a lie.
wen i have done thoze thingz, i have kinda gotten that encouragement of death, ur bro talked ‘bout.
At 11:25 AM,
April Patterson said…
wow, i had no idea this listing stuff not 2 tell ppl wd b a trendy thing 2day. ok, i'll do a bulleted listy thing, 2. never tell ne1 u r:
• having a bout of (bl)acne
• thinking abt adding new ppl 2 yr band
• not sure what yr summer planz r
• thinking of giving up music
• considering a career as an animal whisperer
• upset that yr mother wants 2 feed u garbage insteada giving u lunch $
• having trub w/yr cursed hair
• doing yr english h'work W/OUT "help" fr yr bro who thinx he's a delicate-genius writer
• sick of yr dad's obsession w/the teeny-tiny choo-choo house
• trying 2 decide whether 2 help out yr bff who wants u 2 make out w/her so her dad will leave her alone
wow, that was longer than i thot it wd b!
apes
At 11:30 AM,
April Patterson said…
oh, 1 other thing. mike, just cuz u rent an apt that has an air conditioner doesn't mean u can't get another air conditioner, one that belongz 2 u insteada belonging 2 the apt, and that u can take w/u when u move. ppl do it all the time.
apes
At 2:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, man, guess what? we're having a picnic. liz is here, and so r mike an' dee an' the littlez, merrie and robin. we just finished lunch. neway, there'z sum stuff abt the picnic i'll prolly tell u in 2morrow morning'z blog entry. that's just a feeling.
At 5:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, Paul, and others,
Paul, you are so silly sometimes. Don't you remember that my Mississauga job is just for the summer? If I don't have another job by the time the fall rolls around, I will probably just move home to stay with Mom and Dad. I am hoping to get a permanent job, though. I have applied for every open position in the Milborough School District. So living in Milborough will be very convenient for me.
Things never to tell anyone:
1. Your thoughts.
2. Your feelings.
3. Your opinions.
4. Your personal preferences.
5. Your dreams of wedded bliss with a certain someone.
I'm pretty good at remembering not to tell anyone that stuff, though.
April, I don't think you should kiss a girl. While it is okay to be a gay person, it is not good to bring scandal into the Patterson family. Scandal and racy behavior is okay for other families, but Pattersons are the people that give their wisdom to those who are in scandals. Who would give the wisdom out if we were in scandals too?
Also, you probably don't want to use up your one Good Patterson chance to do something "modern" on a single kiss with Becky McGuire. Save it for something you really, really want to do.
Liz
At 6:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, did mom ever do sumthing "modern"? was it that she had a job or was it sumthing, like, interesting?
apes
At 7:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. That was a fun picnic. It was good for my children to get to spend some time with the family again. It was the first time my kids have seen their auntie Liz outside of Christmas and Thanksgiving since my daughter was very little. Did mom force her to come? I wasn’t sure. Liz seemed a little more interested in family activities than she usually is. All those questions she asked dad about every little detail of his trip to Mayes Midtown Motors to buy his Crevasse Turbo, and in particular, his conversation with Anthony Caine. I guess Liz wants to be extra prepared when she finally gets around to buying her own car.
I was also glad to have the chance to explain to you that an attic air conditioner operating at the same time as the other air conditioners in our Heritage Home apartments would probably blow all the fuzes in the house’s ancient electrical system. Even if it didn’t do that, Lovey has explained to us many times how she prefers each apartment to only have one air conditioner in order to cut down her electricity bill in the summer. I hope you noticed that mom and my lovely Dee both backed me up. When the time comes for you to leave home and find your own middle-aged, ethnic, surrogate mother; you will realize, as I have, the importance of being nice to her, whenever she asks and even when she doesn’t ask.
I know mom was talking about how aunt Bev might turn out to be a good choice for a surrogate mom, if you decide to go to university in Winnipeg, like cousin Laura did. Aunt Bev isn’t very ethnic, but you should consider it as a possibility when you visit her in August. Maybe you can convince her to say “Oy.”
Just to let you know, in mom's day, doing something "modern" was just to be a woman with a job, when you were married and had kids at home. It doesn't sound that "modern" now, but times have changed a lot since mom was a young woman.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:36 PM,
howard said…
April,
Notes from the tour. Becky is getting a little irritated with Jeremy Jones’s red hair. Since we are engaged, and people are calling Jeremy, Howard, Jr.; some members of the crew have started asking Becky how she likes having a step-son.
By the way, Becky was terrific performing in the St. Johns Jazz Festival at Harbourside Park. It was really beautiful there, and the weather was just perfect. A lot better than being in steamy Milborough right now, although I understand your family picnic went well.
Howard K.
At 8:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, howard, i m glad 2 hear the jazz fest went well! the picnic was ok. i had fun playing w/merrie and robin.
apes
At 11:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I asked Mom today if she ever did anything "modern, but with a good excuse." She said that while having a job despite being married with children was fairly "modern," it didn't count, because throughout history, the truth is that mothers usually did have to work. Also, the jobs usually made her little or no money, so Dad's place as the breadwinner was clearly established, and it was obvious she only did it to be "interesting" and to get a break from her small children, and it is very "traditional" to resent and want to flee your small children. She said she also was very committed to making sure she complained about her jobs just as much as she complained about her husband and kids, so she never liked working more than she liked us.
Mom says that she never really did anything "modern." She says a Richards has to be perfect all the time, and really does not get that sort of an opportunity. She says we are lucky that she sullied her Richards DNA by procreating with a member of the slightly-less-perfect Patterson family.
A list of other Patterson family "modern, but with a good excuse" actions:
1. Dad does some housework, but only because him and Mom were both only working part-time, and he sometimes gets bored when he is waiting for the bad weather to clear or for a new part to come so he can play with his trains again.
2 and 3. Cousin Laura and Aunt Bev did not study for a job that involves taking care of children or old or sick people, but vets work with animals, and that is the next best thing for a woman. Also, their training helps them support Uncle Dan's farm.
4. Grand
5. Grandma Carrie was briefly a member of NAC in 1971. (NAC is the National Action Committee on the Status of Women, the largest feminist organization in Canada. I don't know about you, but this is the first time I've heard of it.) She even participated in a bra-burning rally. But it was only because she was confused. She went to Winnipeg alone one time to buy a new panty girdle, and a lady came up to her on the street and said she was starting a new women's group and would she like to join? Grandma thought it was going to be like her sewing circle back home, and that they were burning their bras because they were going to sew some new ones. Something about having been approached outside a lingerie store made her think the group must have something to do with sewing foundation garments. It doesn't make sense to me, but Mom says things were different back then. Fortunately, Grandpa William set her straight.
5. Grandpa William once took off on a three-week bender and was found in a gin joint in Calgary with a whore named Lola. He was forcibly dragged home, smelling like rotgut whiskey and with lipstick stains on his underpants. But he said he was confused, because he didn't know oral sex counted as sex, since they didn't have oral sex in Manitoba in the 1950s.
I told Mom I noticed that the things we are allowed to do "modern, but with a good excuse" have gotten a lot less racy over the years. Mom said it's more a matter of how much attention gets paid to you by the Good Witch of the North. The Witch hardly realizes that Grandpa and Grandma Patterson are even still alive, so what they did didn't matter much. We see Bev, Danny, and Laura sometimes, so they kind of have to toe the line. Mom says I really pushed it, and I was lucky the Good Witch was looking the other way then.
I asked Mom what she thought you would be able to get away with. Mom said that the Good Witch pays a lot of attention to you, so you will be lucky to get away with a jaywalking ticket that you got only because you were running across the street to help an injured child.
Sorry, April. That really stinks. If it makes you feel better, living with Eric wasn't so much fun.
Liz
At 12:48 AM,
Luann DeGroot said…
April, the scariest thing happened 2 me 2day. U know how Bernice & I r playing a trick on Tiff, I mean 'Hotel' Sheraton St. Louis, & her egotistical myspace page?
www.myspace.com/sheraton_st_louis
Now that we've got her thinking that she's being offered the lead in a movie, Bernice suggested we try 2 get her 2 dye her hair black 4 the role. This was a great idea, especially since Tiff said on her myspace page that my hair color looks like I stuck my head in a bag of Cheetos. Anyway, it was so funny, that I laughed with a sticky-outy tongue. I only stopped when Bernice pointed out that I was drooling on the keyboard.
Aaahhhh!!!! I thought that was just a Patterson thing! Does this mean that the sticky-outy-tongue laughter is spreading? Will the guys @ my school start aging
@ an alarming rate?
I can understand wanting 2 help out ur bff, but I don't think I could do it, cuz I mean, eew. Kissing another girl? Figures all the guys would want 2 watch!
Here's my list of things u should never tell people:
• Ur playing a practical joke on the local Miss Chamber of Commerce
• Ur thinking of pursuing Toni Daytona again (hint, hint, Brad)
• That sum1 has a phone camera video of u getting dressed in the locker room (cuz every1 will want to c it)
Luann
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