So, this is how lame my dad is!
Ppl hear that my dad is lame, but sumtymez they need, like, xxamplez 2 show just how lamely he lamez. So here goez one 4 ya. . . .
Yesterday, Dad pretty much spent the whole day in his workshop. What happed is he'd been wearing his st00pid choo-choo conductor costume that he wearz when he'z playing choo-chooz. An' he decided hiz "layout" needed sumthing else, and that the "sumthing" shd B, get this, a big, old, dead tree. And instead of just, like, using one of the zillion twigs we just have lying around the yard, he figged he hadta make one outta piecez of wood in his workshop. And he realized the blade on his table saw was dull so he hadta get out his sharpenier, and after he did that, he hadta change the paper in his sander, and then 2 use the sander, he hadta fix the base of the sander, and he cdn't fix the base w/out a part, which he cdn't do w/out the rite screw. So after Dad had been there there the whole friggin' day, Mom went in 2 C what he'd been making, and he showed her the dead tree he finally made. Even Mom thot that was way lame, an' U know she totally lamez in her own special wayz.
So, Ger, Eva, Luis an' I R gonna meet Dunc an' Zandra @ the Andersons' house @ 2 this afternoon. There'z sum kinda special suprise hiz dad has planned. And l8r, Dunc, Zandra, the rest of us, and Kimmi LaSalle R all meeting up @ Horny T'z.
Apes
Yesterday, Dad pretty much spent the whole day in his workshop. What happed is he'd been wearing his st00pid choo-choo conductor costume that he wearz when he'z playing choo-chooz. An' he decided hiz "layout" needed sumthing else, and that the "sumthing" shd B, get this, a big, old, dead tree. And instead of just, like, using one of the zillion twigs we just have lying around the yard, he figged he hadta make one outta piecez of wood in his workshop. And he realized the blade on his table saw was dull so he hadta get out his sharpenier, and after he did that, he hadta change the paper in his sander, and then 2 use the sander, he hadta fix the base of the sander, and he cdn't fix the base w/out a part, which he cdn't do w/out the rite screw. So after Dad had been there there the whole friggin' day, Mom went in 2 C what he'd been making, and he showed her the dead tree he finally made. Even Mom thot that was way lame, an' U know she totally lamez in her own special wayz.
So, Ger, Eva, Luis an' I R gonna meet Dunc an' Zandra @ the Andersons' house @ 2 this afternoon. There'z sum kinda special suprise hiz dad has planned. And l8r, Dunc, Zandra, the rest of us, and Kimmi LaSalle R all meeting up @ Horny T'z.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:00 AM
26 Comments:
At 8:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
hey, april, i'm glad duncan will still b my friend after all that's happed. but he's rite that i have 2 stick w/the cold drinx @ horny t's, under the terms of my probation.
kiMMi <3 <3 <3
At 10:31 AM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
I guess your brother's trying to find more women to read his novel. I was going to ask you if he actually knew any women, since the book reads like, well, like it's written by a guy who's heard of women, but doesn't actually know of any.
When Duncan was over at my house yesterday I showed him the manuscript.
"As For Me and My Divining Stone Angel?" Duncan said when he saw the front page.
"Yes, it's a bad title, but just wait, there's more," I said. Well, the thing is about a war bride, and her trauma living in Saskatchewan. Sheilagh meets Dean Soborski, a pharmacist with the Canadian army, when he has a horrible accident on the road to her village (Middlesborough, I think it's called). She's already lost her sort-of fiance, the mysterious and brooding Josef, who's been lost on Juno Beach in Normandy. I don't understand what exactly he was doing with the army right then, though, since in the novel Josef is an army artist. Anyway, Sheilagh thinks Dean is her soulmate, marries him, and they go off to Saskatchewan in 1945 and live on in a firetrap farm while he tries to establish himself as the town's only pharmacist. Sheilagh's lonely, bored, and isolated, until Josef turns up as the hired man on the next farm. Then things get more interesting.
Sheilagh contemplated the embroglio her existence had become. She thought her life had devolved into an endless vista of wheatfields, but the arrival of Josef had transmuted it into a sea of infinite possibility. And after that afternoon, when Josef had penetrated her being in ways she had never been penetrated, she knew her identity had irrevocably altered.
"Penetrated in ways she had never been penetrated? Did he do it in her ear?" Duncan asked.
Well, that's only the beginning.
At 10:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
Wow, April, I knew Mike had some, well, obsessive feelings about my BF, but this is just pathological! Maybe when our lease expires, we ought to think seriously about moving. Since Weed owns the building his photography studio is in, I don't see why we couldn't renovate a portion of it as living space.
For those of you who don't know me, I live next door to Mike and Deanna, with my boyfriend, Josef "Weed" Weeder, Mike's old college roommie. BTW, Dee is a pharmacist, and her maiden name is Sobinski. I'll let you all do the math on that one!
Carleen
At 10:50 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, that is just freekee-deekee! d00dz, my bro needz sum serious help!!!
apes
At 11:50 AM,
howard said…
April,
A note from the tour. Right around the time we hit Montreal, which was our first stop on the tour and I was on, what must have been my 15th lingonberry soda, I suddenly realized I was going to have to take over the food for this tour. Thorvald had us well-stocked with Brennevin and rancid shark meat, but I could tell from the queasy looks on people’s faces after the first meal, we would spend most of our tour worshipping the porcelain goddess, if I didn’t do something.
So I looked around the stove on the bus and realized it was missing something. What it needed was a big, old, working oven. I tried cleaning the oven to get it to work, but the cleaning materials were all expired and too dull to make a dent in the dirtiness. I tried find something stronger to use to clean in the bus, but all I could find was this automated furniture polisher, and in order for it to work, I would have to change the polishing paper. So, after getting new polish paper, I realized the base of the whole oven was off and had pulled out from the electrical connections on the side of the bus, and I couldn’t fix the base without a new part for the oven. The hardware store man in Montreal got the part and he gave me a good screw (he was cute) and the oven was all repaired and ready for operation. By the time I was done, Becky came into the bus with takeout Chinese food and said, “You’ve been working on the oven all day, Howie…What have you accomplished?” I showed her I could now turn on the oven. She was not very impressed.
Howard K.
At 11:57 AM,
April Patterson said…
aw, sorry 2 hear becks didn't realize how much work it took 2 get 2 the pt where u cd turn on the oven. but i'll bet every1 was happy when they didn't hafta eat the foul sharkmeat nemore, eh?
it's good 2 hear fr. u, howard, we've missed yr posts!
apes
At 11:58 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, you're not kidding. That shark stuff was making me ill! Howard is a genious!
Marjee
At 1:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think it is terrible for you to go around calling Dad "lame" in such a public place as your blog. Dad is a pillar of our community. He is the best dentist in all of Milborough. Also, he owns the most model trains of anyone, and has the biggest private outdoor layout in the province. That is a big accomplishment and you should be proud of him.
At least Dad's hobby is an honest one. Would you prefer it if he spent his Sundays having tawdry sexual escapades, like Dr. McCaulay and Therese and Steve Nichols and who knows how many other Milborough residents who are not as wonderful as our father?
I hope I can find a man as honest and wholesome and "lame" as Dad to marry someday!
For some reason, that reminds me--I still need to get down to Gordon's to buy a car.
Liz
At 1:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i have a feeling yr wish will come true.
becks, sorry 2 hear it's hella hot on yr tour bus. i hope u get mega-famous fr touring an' all!
apes
At 1:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Liz and April,
I wanted to write to let you know what is going on in Mtigwaki! The biggest news is that Paul came to town right after he dropped you off in Milborough. I guess he had an extra day off or something. We went fishing. It was so much fun! He baited all my hooks for me. Suds is so chivalrous! You are lucky to have such a wonderful man.
Of course we caught dozens of fish, so we invited the whole village for a fish fry that night at the powwow grounds. Lots of people said, "Oh Susan, we are so glad you are joining our little community! You are going to fit in here right away!" I feel so welcomed here already. Mtigwaki is a wonderful place. And I'm not always tripping over broken-down cars and car parts! I can't tell you how great it is to be able to go a whole week without stubbing my toe as I walk down the sidewalk.
Of course, the best part of all is catching up with my old friend Suds. We are so excited to have found each other again after all these years. When he surprised me by coming to Mtigwaki the other day, we greeted each other just like we did at our meeting at your house the other day, with the, umm, traditional butt lift/groin grind. I can tell Suds is as happy to have found me as I am to have found him. I know we are going to be good "friends."
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here in Mtigwaki already. Well, Suds's relatives offered to let me stay with them until September, so I could get used to the place. How could I say no?
Liz, I am so thankful that you were ready to give up this job and "fly away" south!
Sincerely, Susan Dokis
At 2:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
hi, susan, it's so nice of u 2 write and give us an upd8 abt paul. i m sure liz is relieved u r up there 2 keep an eye on paul 4 her an' make sure he doesn't feel 2 lonely, eh?
apes
At 2:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Susan,
It's no trouble. I am glad you are having fun in Mtigwaki. The move is working out really well for me so far. My cat is upset, but I kind of like my new apartment, even though it is hard to get used to sharing my kitchen with three roommates, some of whom do not understand the importance of not letting dishes pile up in the sink for days on end. Also, my mom is kind of annoying, always asking me where I am and where I plan on going. I had April show me how to program a special silent ring for Mom's calls on my cell phone.
But I am ready for this challenge! I am working very hard at fighting off the depression Candace says is probably inevitable by sleeping a lot and eating bigger meals. So far it seems to be working!
When I am not sleeping or eating or dealing with a snitty kitty, I am usually at work. That is a hard but very challenging transition! The first surprise is that almost all my students show up to class every day, unless they are sick. That was hard to get used to. I was expecting more of them to be out walking trap lines since the weather is so good. Or, since this is the city, maybe just staying at home to hang with their mishomis. But it seems that is frowned upon here. I told the kids that Native wisdom holds that is an important part of their education. The next day, about a third of the students did not come to school. And a lot of the parents called to complain to the principal that I was encouraging their kids to "play hooky." When he called me into his office, I tried to explain Native wisdom to him, but he did not want to hear it. He said that particular kind of Native wisdom is not welcome in the Mississauga school system. He also said that summer school is mostly full of kids with learning difficulties and/or truancy problems, so I should not be encouraging skipping. I guess I can sort of see his point, but I was not encouraging "skipping," I was telling them about alternative education opportunities.
Also, they are much more strict about following the curriculum "on a schedule" then they are up north. One day the kids did not seem to feel like learning very much, so I put in a DVD for them instead. The kids liked it, but the principal did not! It's a good thing I am sleeping 12 hours a night because otherwise I would not have the energy to keep up with such a demanding 8:30-3 pm schedule, with an hour for lunch break and recess. Oh well, I guess it should not surprise me to find out that southerners in The Big Smoke are kind of bigoted about northern, Native ways.
Anyway, as you can tell, things are really great here. I am really looking forward to my trip to Gordon's Car Lot, for some reason! I am sure that is going to be the highlight of my summer. I can't wait to have a car of my own! I plan to buy one that runs, though! :)
Liz
At 2:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I just had a very disturbing telephone conversation with your brother. At first, he told me he wanted to get a "woman's perspective" from me, to help him understand the psychology of his female protagonist, "Sheilagh". But his questions quickly turned away from general "female state of mind" questions to some very specific, very personal inquiries into the bedroom practices of me and Jo. You know, stuff that's really none of his business, stuff I blush just thinking about, eh?
Anyway, I became very uncomfortable with his questions, and essentially had to tell him to "MYOB" (though I confess I used much harsher language than that). He actually called me a "philistine" before I slammed the phone on his ear!
Carleen
At 3:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, Becky. Mike didn't come right out and ask a question about "butt sex", though he did try to get me to describe all the positions we use and he wanted to know if we did anything "unorthodox", and while I was at it, could he tell me whether we did any role-playing and whether Jo ever wanted to call me by any other names, like maybe of good friends of his. As I said, Mike was making me very uncomfortable!
Carleen
At 3:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, my bro is such a freak! carleen, becks, if u want, i can help u block his # fr. yr fones!!!
apes
At 4:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
This is disgusting. Sex is a sacred act to be saved for when you marry your childhood sweetheart.
Sometimes girls are foolish and give sex to men who are not their childhood sweethearts or their husbands, because they are trying to convince those men to marry them. I myself have known some girls who were foolish enough to go that route, though I will not name any names. It always ends in tears because once he has the milk for free the man will never buy the cow.
Now in some cases, the girl does not mind being unmarried or thought of as a slut. My friend Candace comes to mind. She doesn't care that people know she is impure. For instance, I recommended that she have her own bedroom when she moved in with her boyfriend Rudy, but she just laughed. I guess it is okay for these modern girls, but a nice traditional Milborough girl waits until marriage. Or at least does not talk about sexual matters in public. Like Candace and Carleen are modern girls, but I have never heard them talk about sex in public. Well, Candace has talked about sex in private a couple of times, but I asked her to stop, because the idea of having sex with Rudy made me a little sick.
And it is not nice for people to assume you are a modern girl just because you live with your boyfriend and do not have a separate bedroom. For one thing, the girl might have a separate bedroom but not tell anyone about it. Or they might have to have the same bedroom because there it is only a one bedroom apartment. Or they might have only one bedroom, but have two twin beds in there. Or they might share a bed, but have a line drawn down the middle. Being friends with Candace has helped me to be more open-minded about things like this, and you should be too.
Anyway, it is impolite to assume that a girl knows anything about sex before she is married, even if she did date an accountant, a philanderer, a policeman, and a pilot, and even if that does sound like the beginning of a dirty joke. So Mike should not be talking to single girls about it. And I am not going to call him "Michael-AUUGGGGGH," no matter what he says.
Liz
P.S.--I can hardly wait to get my new car! I wonder if I should ask Anthony to help me pick it out. I am sure he knows all about picking a car that is reliable and convenient, since he is a very responsible single father. Dad says he is almost perfect in every way. I hope he is more practical than Dad when it comes to cars though. That is the one area I think I would prefer my husband to be different from Dad in.
At 4:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i think gordo sed he mite get u a gr8 deal on a crevasse criata or a crevasse creetle.
mike shd shut up an' leave us all alone, but u know how he is!
apes
At 4:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
btw, dunc that was sum surprise! but i know u wanna b the one 2 tell abt it. i was sorry 2 c that kimmi got 2 emotional 2 stick around v. long @ horny t's. @ least she just ran out crying insteada throwing hot beverages @ us.
and omg, when zandra read parts of mike's "novel" 2 us? i nearly peed my pants laffing!!! then the manager made her stop cuz ppl were leaving an' they were losing biz cuzza mike's writing! oh, dunc's abt 2 buy another round of dbl dbl's 4 every1! cube!
apes
At 4:52 PM,
howard said…
April,
A note from the tour. Right around the time we hit Québec City, Thorvald gave me a pretty strong indication that my cooking was generating too much heat in the bus, both temperature-wise and personality-wise. His culinary habits need some correcting, but I realized the bus was missing something. What the bus needed was a working air conditioner. Most problems that people face with air conditioners can be solved by simple maintenance and cleaning. Sometimes particle aggregation inside the air filter chokes the ducts and makes the air conditioner ineffective. This can be solved by a simple cleaning of the air filter. Checking the air filter, I saw it was full of holes and needed repair. I thought I might be able to use an old pair of panty hose as a substitute, but my hose were also all full of holes and needed to be replaced. I guess Marjee Mahaha and I should not have played that little game of…sorry, I keep forgetting you are only 15.
Anyway, before I could even think about the pantyhose, I discovered that the fuse for the air conditioner was broken and I needed to replace the part. While I was replacing the fuse, I discovered an accumulation of water under the front portion of the air conditioner. This was due to leakage of one of the ducts. So I needed to replace the ducts too. Fortunately the Québec City hardware store was well-supplied. The hardware man had just the right equipment to fill my duct, and gave my fuse a whole new reason for living. I even got several new pairs of panty hose and a free air filter out of the deal. Now the bus is wonderfully cold, and not one person is complaining about my baking. My canapés and shrimp toast melts are big hit.
By the way, Becky killed in the Festival d'été, which is a month-long festival here. There were many performers and Becky did most of her songs she knows in French. Thorvald says her popularity is due to the fact that the people in Québec City really love sweaty teenage singers. So, there was some advantage to my pre-air-conditioned cooking after all, I guess.
Howard K.
At 6:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
u guyz r so lucky 2 have howard's gourmet cooking on that bus! my 'rents have been making the usual patterson slop: pot roasts, burnt-butt casserole, u know the drill. i'm glad howard and home ec have taut me 2 make other stuff, but my 'rents have their weird tastes an' u know how insisty they get!
apes
At 9:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April Patterson, is this Michael Patterson guy your brother? Is he taking any kind of medication, like anti-psychotics, that he might have forgotten to take lately?
I should back up. I received a very strange phone call from this guy identifying himself as "Editor-in-chief of Toronto's premier magazine, Portrait, as well as one of Canada's most prized writers, Michael Patterson." Then he told me, "I have chosen your name from the Toronto telephone directory because you can offer some expertise about your name. You see, the protagonist in my novel-in-progress shares a given name with you, and I must settle an argument I had with my baby sister's know-it-all teenager friend Becky. I am sure I'm right and she's wrong about the pronunciation." Then he said my name, and I don't even know how to spell out the way he butchered my poor name, but the end of it sounded like he was trying to clear phlegm from his throat. And when I explained that it's pronounced the same as "Sheila", he had the nerve to tell me I was mistaken and he hung up on me!
I found this blog by googling "Michael Patterson". I hope it's okay that I posted this here--this was such a strange experience, I had to share it somewhere!
Sheilagh McClaskey
At 9:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
sheilagh, no prob abt posting here. i'm sorry u've had 2 deal w/my scary bro. nope, he'z not on anti-psychotic medz, tho u r not the only person who's ever thot that mayB he shd B!
apes
At 9:39 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
What a rilly cube day! Altho it didnt rilly start that way aft Dr. & Mr. Larson woke me up & sent me home this am.
NEway, I thot the surprise was rilly gr8. My dad & Arne took apart the choo-choo room aft my dad got back from NF. Yr dad came ovah this am 2 pick up all my dads choo-choos I think he says he has a unit @ Gordo's U-Storit-U-Lockit 2 keep them in until he buys sum 1 br house on 3 lots in the nabe.
Now we have this rilly cube rehearsal room & recording studio where the choo-choo room used 2 b. OMG I wish I had fotos when u & Ger & Luis & Evah saw it. Sumtimes I dont like my dad much but 2day I think hes gr8.
Aft when we went 2 Horny Ts for dbl dbls (xcept 4 Kimmi who had 2 have an ice capp,) no1 got arrested & I get 2 sleep in my own bed 2nite so its a rilly perfect day.
L8r.
At 10:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, howie sez i shud prolly post 2u2 let u know how thingz r goin’. i am kinda likin’ gettin’ 2 do sum roadie work 4 rebeccah & 2 make sum money. aside frum movin’ & settin’ up equipment, i am also kinda like rebeccah’s personal assistant, i think. whenevah she wunts sum lingonberry soda, she asks me 2 get it 4 her. or wen howie wuz heatin’ up the bus, she sent me n2 a convenience store 4 1 of thoze handheld fanz. then rebeccah got rilly sweaty, kind of like we all did, & she kept askin’ me if she looked hott or if she looked hot. that wuz a rilly difficult question 2 answer, so i just got n the habit of sayin’, “rebeccah, u look rilly lovely 2day”. that seemz 2 make her happy.
so 2nite aftah howie served a kinda spicy roast beef dinner w/this kinda odd dessert, rebeccah sed she wunted 2 have a nice long talk n the back of the bus. we’re back there all alone & then she sed, “jeremy. i can tell u totally want 2 get back 2gether w/me. i don’t blame u. i’m a hott & famous. but u gotta make the 1st move.” well, i wuz ‘bout 2 say sumthin’ like, “i’m w/eva now,” but just @that moment, the bus driver hit the brakes 2 avoid a duck or sumthin’ & i wuz lying rite on toppa rebeccah & then 1 thing led 2 anothah, which n this case wuz howie & rebeccah’z dad yankin’ me offa rebeccah. then i got this big lecture ‘bout how evn tho most teenage pop starz do it w/the crew, that wuz not gonna happ this tyme. then rebeccah got a lecture frum her dad ‘bout the mportance of choosin’ the rite guy 2 mprove her image & the whole britney spears / kevin federline thing wuz thrown n her face az the classic example of how a gr8 pop star chose the wrong guy & completely messed up her career.
howie wuz mad @me cuz now he iz kinda baby-sittin’ me & hiz d8, etienne longlac hadda go. neway, howie sez i rote enuff, so i can stop now.
At 11:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
First I must say, I was so happy to finally meet you and your family. I loved answering all those questions. You may not believe this, but when you asked those questions, you were actually asking questions I had always hoped my sweet girl would ask. Miigwech (thank you) for telling me I am handsome. I have not gotten a compliment on my looks in a long time. I was beginning to think I was ugly.
I was very happy you asked the question about my sweet girl and me getting married. Your family’s expression of confusion was like mine when Elizabeth said, “I believe that Paul and I met for a reason--and if we were meant to be together, we will be!" However, I did not expect your noos (father) to answer this with, “A true test of faith is to go car-shopping.” When I mentioned it to my noos (father), his answer was more like, “Relationships don’t just happen. You have to work at it.” I hope that is what your noos (father) really meant, and it was a joke I did not understand. I noticed everyone laughed except me.
I read your writing about your noos (father’s) lameness. I didn’t notice he had any problem walking, even when he gave me the long tour of his trains. When he introduced me to his trains, he told me their secret train names and he said they were something like the Ojibway spirit names. I think I should not have said he did not have any dead trees in his train display to indicate the circle of plant life. From your writings, it sounds like your noos (father) spent a lot of time adding a dead tree.
After a long trip back, I did make it back to Otter County. I also took a brief trip to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to return some things that Jesse Mukwa put in your sister’s packed boxes. I think he planned for her to come back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to return them. He seemed disappointed to see me. He kept muttering “Kaad-Gnebig Njnaamod.” I asked him why he was saying, “Snake breath.” He said, “Lizard breath.” I said, “Lizard is ogiikadaanaang. Ginebig is snake.” I think Jesse Mukwa is looking forward to learning some Ojibway in school in the autumn.
One person who was not disappointed to see me was Susan Dokis or as I call her, Chipper. She is staying with my relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). She said she wanted to have time to get to know the students and the people before she started teaching. She suggested we go fishing and I baited her hooks, just like we used to do in the old days, when we had some spare time on the powwow trail together, and the powwow was near a lake or a stream. After the last year with your sister, it was strange to catch fish for someone other than Shiimsa. Chipper invited the whole village for a fish fry that night at the powwow grounds. Everyone said to me, “Susan Dokis is a fine jiibaakwewikwe (female cook). She will make someone a good wiijiiwaagan (wife) someday.” I agree. It has been so long since I got to spend any time with Chipper, I forgot how good she cooks.
After I got back to Otter County, I have been trying to adjust to my new routine. Your sister and I chat online every night and we spend hours on the phone. She likes to get in bed by ten and then she wants to talk to me until midnight every night. My work shift changes regularly. When I am working the graveyard or late night shift, the designated 2 hours of conversation from 10 pm to midnight are difficult to work out. Lucky for me, my supervisor knows about my situation. I think the whole detachment knows every detail of my love life. It is hard not to know, since I submitted one transfer request to a detachment in Spruce Narrows to be close to your sister, only to turn around and submit a different one to Toronto a few months later. I prefer to work daytime hours, when I can talk to my sweet girl for those 2 hours and not have everyone in the detachment listening. I can’t wait for this situation to resolve by getting a transfer or some other way. Maybe someone else will do something stupid to take the heat off me. I love your sister, but I don’t like to be the only source of Native humour all the time.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I want you to know that, no matter what Mater says, I am not at soccer camp. Fafa Thorvald helped me pull a switcheroo on Mater and Pater, and I was successfully enrolled in Viking Camp. I am really enjoying my time in Iceland, and am drinking in all the local culture. It is fascinating.
We learn all aspects of the Viking way of life here. We learned the everyday survival tasks of fishing and homebuilding. Every day we have a class that teaches us all the aspects of axecraft. We even built our own axes. I wanted to name mine "Einmanuthur Blom," which is the rough translation of "April Flower" into Old Norse. But the teacher said it had to be a frightening, war-like name, so instead I named it "Atall Banamathr," or "Fierce and Terrible Slayer." Our classes on the history of Iceland and the Vikings and Norse mythology and literature have been very enlightening. I realize now that my able teacher, Fafa Thorvald, could teach me only a fraction of what I would need to know to be his worthy son, in the time he had allotted to spend with me. I am so lucky to be here. I am already conversationally fluent in Old Norse.
On Osensdagr (Wednesday in Old Norse), we are leaving for a survival retreat. Our leader, the great Bjorn "the Bloodthirsty" Thorkillsson, will fly us on a helicopter to the barren volcanic island of Surtsey, which is just south of Iceland. We will be dropped off with only the clothes on our backs. Those who survive for 72 hours will pass the class. That will be a challenge because there is not much on Surtsey except for moss, lichen, and bird guano, though we will perhaps be able to kill some seagulls for food. I can't wait! When I am shivering in the cold, curled into a fetal position in an attempt to maintain my core body temperature and stave off hypothermia, I will stay strong by thinking of the day when I will at last be your bondi (husband) and you will be my bruthr (bride). I brenna (burn) for you in my brjost (breast). I hope that burning is enough to keep me warm through the cold nights on Surtsey. I know that if I deyja (die), my dauthr (death) occurred while I was thinking of you. Perhaps I will come back to visit you as a draugr (ghost). But hopefully my eljun (endurance) will be enough to get me through this trial, and I will come home to you a hvitr kappi (white, shining hero), my fljoth (woman). But if I do die, I will meet you at the himiniothurr (rim of heaven).
Also, we met Bjork on Friadagr (Friday). She seems nice.
Devotedly yours, Gisli Aloysiusson
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