April's Real Blog

Saturday, July 08, 2006

April "Chopped Liver" Patterson

So Mom an' Connie had one of their over-the-backfence talks they've had since 4evs, and Connie was all, "So, yr girl is home & on 2 another phase of her life!" Notice that she sed "yr girl" and not "yr older girl", like I don't xxist. And Mom didn't say NEthing 2 correct her, she was just all, "I've hardly seen her since she arrived, Connie. She'z rented a place near the school where she'z teaching--and 2 B honest, I don't know where she is half the time!" And Connie was, like, "She'z on her own, Elly! U've dun yr job." And Mom was totally, "And I try 2 let go. I try not 2 pry... But it's not EZ. She'z still one of my kidz." That's when Connie told her, "Uh huh... And the cleaner U cut the apron stringz, the more they'll want 2 B back in yr kitchen!"

Hmmm, MayB since Mom and Connie can't seem 2 remember that I xxist, Mom is practicing the "apron-string cutting" on me, eh? Like, next thing U know, my stuff will B in boxes on the front lawn with a copy of the real estate section of the paper taped 2 the top.



  • At 8:16 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    april, i don't think MCDunC luvs me nemore! :( :( :(

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    Yes, Kimmi's right. Duncan and I made up, and I feel really bad about what happened last weekend. And I think fate is after me too (or Mirabell, I can't figure it out). When I was working at the library desk yesterday, a strange man came in and stopped in front of the "Out" sign. He was thirty-ish, and kind of distracted. Unfortunately Duncan was distracted right then, too, or else he would have warned me that that was your brother. Anyway, he stared at me and said,
    "That fine director Mirroirbelle told me about you. You like English, he said." I said yes, that was true. "And you're a woman," he continued. I didn't like the way this was going. He pulled out a tatty manuscript from his courier bag and said, "He said you'd be able to see how accurately I've captured the female experience in my novel." I really didn't know what to do then, since screaming isn't allowed in the library. "The feelings, the longings, the desire for her absent love Josef..." Right then Duncan came over, with an armfull of books. Your brother didn't recognize him and thought he wanted to check them out. "Oh, wait, young man, I need the assistance of this young woman for my genius," he said as he wrote out his e-mail address on a card, breaking his fountain pen in the process. Once the ink started running, he swept out, leaving me with a purplish puddle to get off the library counter and a huge manuscript that had odd corrections in the same colour ink. I think I'm getting punished for trying to fix that damn play and for throwing Duncan off a ferry.

    Well, I've got to start reading. I'm making Charles Wallace listen to some of this since he's partially responsible for the play mess.


  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Busy week. Since Im the nuest hire @ the Mboro Public Library I have 2 work Sats & I get Tues off instead. Bummer but 2nite I have a makeup d8 w/ Zed we r hanging @ her place her 'rents r going 2 TO & taking CW w/ them 4 1X. Cube!

    Remember I told u abt the big surprise? I hope u didnt hear my dad talking 2 yr dad abt it. Come ovah 2 my place @ 2 pm 2morrow bring Ger & Luis & Evah but pls try 2 keep Evah away from me & try 2 get her 2 wear a turtleneck cos I dont want ne more probs w/ Zed.



    p.s. Kimmi lets b friends. If u want u can meet us @ Horny Ts @ 3 pm 2morrow 4 r celebration. Im buying dbl dbls & maple dips 4 evry1.

    p.p.s. Kimmi I 4got that u r still on probation & cant have ne hot drinks in public. Ill buy u an ice cap instead.

  • At 10:52 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, zed an' dunc, i'm glad u guyz r back 2gether. sorry 2 hear u got stuck w/mike's m/s, zed. i wdn't wish that on ne1!

    dunc, i'll bring every1 over @ 2 2morrow an' i'll lend e. a t-neck top.


  • At 8:57 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I'm sure you are overreacting to the idea that Mom "forgot" about you. I know that she in fact hasn't forgotten about you because just the other day she was complaining to me about how expensive your school uniforms are, and how to save money she is going to buy the white blouses at the Salvation Army Store. "There's nothing wrong with the white blouses they have there, that some bleach and some white patches and thread won't fix!" That's what she told me, anyway. Then she asked me if I needed any lunch money, or maybe a down payment on a car, so we didn't talk about you for very long.

    Mike called me up the other day and said, "Liz, sis, what's up?" I said, "What do you want?" because when he doesn't call me Lizardbreath, that means he wants something. He said, "I need you to read my manuscript over and give me the perspective of a lusty woman." And I said, "I don't know why you think I would know anything about lusty women." And he said, "Let's be honest. Dee doesn't know anything about sexual desire. She was a virgin when we got married, and I have to beg her for hours to get her to put out, even on my birthday and Victoria Day." And I said, "So?" because I didn't like where the conversation was going. Then Mike said, "My Sheilagh is a strong, lusty woman. She has powerful needs that her husband just can't fulfill. Tell me all about your strong, lusty needs, and I'll take notes."

    Well I was very angry for obvious reasons and I said to Mike, "What makes you think I have any stronger or lustier needs then Deanna? How do you know I am not going to be a virgin when I get married too?" And Mike laughed and said some really horrible things I won't repeat but basically saying that any girl who lives with her boyfriend in college, and is romanced by a pilot, and then stolen away by a Mountie, and all the while still has captivated a mustachioed accountant she hasn't been with for over five years, must really be strong and lusty. I slammed down the phone receiver so hard that the little bell rang inside. Deanna called me later to say that I gave Mike an earache and he was crying louder than Robin ever does. I know I should feel bad, but I don't. And I kind of feel bad about that. I can't believe he implied I might of done you-know-what!

    If Mike calls you, don't answer the phone.


  • At 9:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, liz, when mom 4gets abt me, it's temporary, like she endz up remembering after a while. esp if she hasta spend $ on me, like the new uni's. and ew, no way am i wearing skanky, stained sal-arm white shirts. i m gonna save my own $ 2 get new stuff. u r so lucky mom is willing 2 spend $ on u, like 4 a car downpayment and lunch $. u r lucky she'z not trying 2 get u 2 eat wraps made from garbage she shda thrown out fr. her fridge. mom never 4gets u xxist, even 4 a minute, even if u r living far away.

    good thing u warned me abt mike calling. rite after i read yr message, he called and mom answered. she tried 2 make me talk 2 him, and i cd hear him saying, "april, u must b a lusty yung woman 2 have kept gerald interested all these yrs" but i pretended i had, like, laryngitis an' cdn't talk.



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