April's Real Blog

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Gramps is creepy, yo!

I heard Mom telling Dad abt sumthing Gramps told her he doez when he an' Iris go 2 the park 2 feed the pigeonz. He, like, oglez yung women who walk by and then imaginez himself B-ing all yung again, xxcept wearing his same old-man clothez, and going out on d8s w/all theze women, like they wd w/a guy wearing dorky old-man clothez. On these d8s in him imagination, he does stuff like buy ice cream 4 the woman, go dancing w/her, or take her 4 a ride in a red convertible, w/the woman's less attractive friend sitting in the backseat.

Gramps thinx it's v. v. funny that the last time this sorta thing happed, Iris was feeding the pigeons, all, "They're so much fun 2 watch, Rn't they!" And he was all "Absolutely!" Only he was ogling a girl @ the time, and that's what he was talkin' abt, not pigeons. And after he'd gone thru a seriez of his sad little d8 fantasies, he was on one where he was taking one of the girls on a nite-time stroll in the park, only he'd like, made her wear a long skirt insteada the teeny short-shorts she had on w/her halter. Iris noticed this particular girl, and she sed, "::tsk::! Honestly! The clothes yung women wear these dayz! They leave absolutely nothing 2 the imagination!" And Gramps sed he had a big ol' grin on his face, cuz these women obvs give him lots 2 imagine about. Ew.

Mom was laffin' when she told this story, and Dad got kinda pissed and asked, "How is it that when yr Dad does these things, it's cute, but if I do, it's a major offense?" And Mom just kinda rolled her eyez an' sed, "Oh, 4 heaven's sake John, Dad is old! Of course it's funny when he does these absurd things!" And she clomped off. And Dad went 2 the choo-choo room.

So the BBQ yesterday was interesting. Zandra wanted 2 talk w/me abt the play her lil bro Charles Wallace is in, where he'z supposta play "Michael, age 9"--yup, my bro'z play. I won't get in2 deets here, since Mike reads here an' sum of what we talked abt is, like, confidential "client-agent" kinda stuff, eh? (Zed is CW's agent.)

Apes

27 Comments:

  • At 9:19 AM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Hello, April! I'm writing this from Becky's tour bus! Howard ended up convincing Becky to let me come along with their tour. The bus is really nice, it even has "Rebeccah" painted on the side in huge letters. Howard thought it was a little bit "overkill", but Thorvald insisted we go all out for his little Becky-Thora.

    We are about five minutes away from arriving in Montreal. Becky's excited and nervous. Howard says he already feels an ulcer coming on.

    I'll try to write again soon.

    Marjee

     
  • At 10:43 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, Apes. Im rilly sorry abt the bbq. I didnt no Arne wld b there.

    Ill post more later but I sorta slept on the bathroom floor last nite & I rilly need sum dbl dbls.

    L8r.

     
  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    I fell off my bike in the driveway the pavement keep moving on me. I tried 2 go 2 bed but then the bed started spinning & I rilly dont want 2 sleep on the bathroom floor nemore. So Ill try 2 post.

    I dont think I evah told u abt Dean. Deans my dads middle name. He thot Nigel sounded 2 Brit 4 Canadians so when he came 2 Canada he started using Dean instead. He didnt no abt this d00d so he didnt no why peeps were calling him Richard & laffing. Aft I came back from daycare crying cos sum of the kids were calling my dad Dickhed he decided 2 go back 2 being Nigel. No1 calls my dad Dean nemore xcept my mom when shes pissed @ him & yr dad sumtimes when he 4gets. OK, Ive started calling him Dean 2 when Im pissed @ him. I dont think my dad notices when yr dad 4gets cos my dads already feeling bummed cos he has 2 play w/ the choo-choos in his choo-choo conductor uniform.

    I just tried 2 call Zed shes not answering. She prolly feels worst than I do. Hope u r ok.

    L8r. Im going 4 my dbl dbls.

     
  • At 11:17 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, I tripped & fell down the front stairs. Those stairs used 2 b carpeted so I wldnt hurt myself if I fell on them when I was little but I nevah fell then. This isnt my morning. I dont think its my 'rents morning either cos I didnt even wake them up when I fell. I guess all my moms 1st aid lessons sunk in Ive got my knees and elbows disinfected & bandaged but Im not sure how 2 get blood off my clothes. I googled laundry stains & it said soak in cold water if thats rong let me no pls.

    I guess Im not getting ne dbl dbls 4 awhile so I made sum t. No way I can feel ne worst so Ill tell u the rest of the NF story dont tell ne1 I still feel rilly bad abt it.

    Next post.

    BTW, Im rilly glad Bambi didnt walk by yr gf.

     
  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, dunc, my hed's a lil sore, but other than that, i'm ok. i'd b glad 2 pick up sum dbl dbl's fr horny t's & bring 'em over 2 yr house if u're interested. lemme know.

    apes

     
  • At 11:47 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Ok, Apes, pls come ovah. T just isnt cutting it.

    While u r getting them Ill post the NF story. Its ezr 4 me 2 rite it out than tell u in person.

    C u soon.

     
  • At 12:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i just got 2 dunc's place an' he'z having dbl dbl's while he writes abt the nf story. i'm hangin' w/falstaff an' faustus, the kittiez. weird, i cda sworn i cd sorta make out faustus meowing "angra mainu" 2 me. otoh, it soundz a lot like falstaff is meowing "feed me".

    apes

     
  • At 12:19 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Ok, so u remember that my dad left erly 4 work 1 morning & ended up in Barbados.

    He says he went 2 Horny Ts cos it was the only place open. While he was sitting there w/ his maple dip & dbl dbl, Arne came in & sat down w/ him. Arne goes, so y r u sitting in Horny Ts @ 5 am stone cold sober & wearing a suit? My dad goes, Ive got problems, my wife & son h8 me, Im the Crown witness @ my sons trial next Tues, I dont want 2 testify & I dont want 2 b arrested 4 not testifying. Arne goes, I c a lot of subpoenas, let me c yrs mayb theres a technical defect in it & then u dont have 2 show. My dad goes, Ive not bn served yet. Then Arnes goes, d00d, if u have not bn served u have 2 make sure u dont get served. A mans got 2 do what a mans got 2 do. Get 2 the airport & get outta the country now.

    So my dad went 2 the Mboro Credit Union 2 get his passport outta his safety deposit box & then he drove 2 the airport. He says he spent his time in Barbados tending the goats & playing dominoes @ the rum shop & not speaking 2 ne1.

    When my dad came back he was nervous abt coming home cos he new my mom wld be rilly pissed @ him. Turns out Arne was @ the airport, 2. Arne had just flown in from Vegas where hed bn pitching sum magic act but I guess all the d00ds in NF had warned the d00ds in LV abt Arne so no go. Arne said, u need a nice pressie 4 yr wife, how abt jewellery, chicks luv jewellery. My dad tried 2 w/d sum $ from the ATM but there wasnt ne $ in his acct cos my mom had w/d the $ on him. Arne says, Nige, d00d, its a rilly bad sign when the chick has cleaned out the bank account that means shes abt 2 call the cops or a lawyer u had bettah show up w/ a huge diamond ring 4 her. My dad goes, shed prolly like that, I didnt have enuf $ 2 buy her an engagement ring, but I dont have ne $ now. Arne goes, a mans got 2 do what a mans got 2 do u will have 2 make sum serious $ quick. My dad goes, Ive never bn 2 jail & I think the punters like them alot yunger than me. Arne goes, thats not what I ment, I ment gambling. Can u play blackjack? Nevah mind, Ill teach u. U r a banker, u will b a natural @ counting cards. Ill provide the st8, we split the profits 50/50.

    So thats how my dad ended up in NF w/ Arne. Turns out Arne was rite, my dad was a natural & made enuf $ 2 buy my mom an engagement ring, pay off all my lawyers bills, & pay 4 r next family trip. He says my uni tuitiion & residence is all covered, 2. 2 bad he cant make nemore, hes banned fr all the NF casinos cos they figured out hes a card counter.

    Like Arne says, a mans got 2 do what a mans got 2 do. I had 2 rite my dads bosses thanking them 4 sending the flowers 4 r deceased Uncle Argo.

    L8r.

     
  • At 12:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, i was abt 2 ask dunc if he an' his mom have 4given "dean", since all this trub came outta him not wanting 2 hafta testify against dunc, eh? but then it looked like falstaff was gonna pounce on the maple dips i brot 4 dunc, so he needed 2 take sum defensive action!

    apes

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    ANGRA MAINYU, MY LOVE,

    WHY OH WHY IS THE TOOPID TAKING YOU TO MISSISSAUGA?

    MY HEART IS BREAKING. THE MOUNTIE HAS FAILED US. HARVEST HIS TENDERS BEFORE YOU LEAVE, AND THINK OF ME.

    YOURS ALWAYS,
    FAUSTUS

     
  • At 3:13 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Yeah, Apes, I 4give "Dean" bsides u cant h8 2 many relatives @ 1X & Im concentr8ing on h8ing Perdita rite now. Bsides my dads doing sumthing rilly cube 4 me. I cant tell u abt it yet its supposed 2 b secret but itll b ready next Sunday.

    I just tried 2 call Zed again. CW says she hasnt got outta bed yet. CW asked me if I new where Arne was cos Zed & CWs 'rents r looking 4 him. I told CW Im pretty sure he hasnt called his bud Nigel cos Nigels still in bed. I bet evry1 in Mboro is looking 4 Arne rite now xcept 4 the peeps who still cant move.

    Oh, man. Faustus just licked all the dip off the last maple dip & hes giving me a weird look. I think Im going 2 wear a jockstrap 2 bed 2nite.

    L8r.

     
  • At 3:16 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man. I just checked my messages. Kimmis back & she wants 2 c me.

     
  • At 5:56 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    OMG. The Vatikan is closing 4evah aft 2nite. We have 2 b there. Meet me @ the GO station, Apes. Zeds still sleeping but CW promised me he wld get her outta bed. I told him a bucket of waters ok but no xplosives.

    L8r.

     
  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc an' i r @ the go station w8ing 4 zed. dunc just sent her a txt. it's so uncube that the vatikan is closing!

    apes

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    FAUSTUS MY LOVE! I WAS SO CLOSE TO GETTING MY TOOPID TO LET ME LIVE WITH HER BIG-BUTT MOTHER IN MILBOROUGH, BUT THAT FELL THROUGH BECAUSE THE BIG-BUTT MOTHER TOOPID DOESN'T WANT ANY EXTRA PETS! MY HEART IS BROKEN! BUT WE'LL FIND A WAY TO BE TOGETHER!

    ANGRA MAINYU

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    FAUSTUS MY LOVE,

    THE IDIOT GIRL I LIVE WITH DIDN'T INVITE THE MOUNTIE TO STAY THE NIGHT AFTER THE BIG PARTY. I SAID TO HER "HEY GOOSE GIRL, YOUR SPIRIT NAME IS VERY APPROPRIATE. YOU ARE A FEATHER-BRAINED BIMBO IF I EVER SAW ONE." SHE JUST LAUGHED AND TOLD ME THAT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE WAYS OF THE HUMAN HEART. THEN SHE GAVE ME SOME TUNA.

    AFTER I FINISHED THE TUNA, I WENT AND LOOKED OUT THE FRONT WINDOW. I COULD SEE TWO PEOPLE NECKING IN THE DARKNESS NEAR THE NURSE'S STATION. I COULDN'T TELL FOR SURE, BUT IT LOOKED LIKE THE MOUNTIE AND THAT SHAPESHIFTER WHO IS TAKING OVER FEATHERBRAIN'S TEACHING POSITION. SO I WENT INTO THE BEDROOM WHERE SHE WAS PACKING AND I SAID, "HEY DUMBASS, DID YOU THINK THAT STUPID MOUNTIE WAS JUST GOING TO GO HOME AND NURSE HIS RAGING CASE OF BLUEBALLS? YOU'VE DRIVEN HIM INTO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER WOMAN! IF A WOMAN IS HER TRUE FORM!"

    BUT FEATHERBRAIN JUST LAUGHED AND SAID, "OH SHIIMSA, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND PEOPLE, WILL YOU?" THEN SHE STARTED SINGING A SONG UNDER HER BREATH THAT SOUNDED SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE "O SWEET ANTHONY OF LIFE, AT LAST I'VE FOUND YOU." I COULDN'T BE SURE THOUGH BECAUSE BEFORE SHE COULD REPEAT THE FIRST LYRIC AGAIN, SHE LET OUT A STREAM OF CURSE WORDS THAT TURNED THE AIR BLUE. THE IDIOT PACKED THE PLATES AND GLASSES FROM THE KITCHEN IN THE SAME BOX AS SOME HEAVY BOOKS.

    ANYWAY IF I WAS RIGHT AND SHE WAS SINGING ABOUT THAT TWERP ANTHONY, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MILBOROUGH BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET WITH YOU, BABY. "GOOSESHIT FOR BRAINS" MAY BE FRIGID, BUT I'M NOT.

    YOUR LOVING ANGRA MAINYU

     
  • At 6:13 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    FAUSTUS DARLING,

    I DON'T KNOW WHO TYPED THAT LAST MESSAGE, BUT HE OR SHE IS AN IMPERSONATOR. DOES FALSTAFF MAYBE HAVE A DEMENTED SENSE OF HUMOR? IT WAS OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN BY A MENTALLY FEEBLE CAT.

    LOVE, YOUR ANGRA MAINYU

     
  • At 6:19 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April,

    Isn't Shiimsa just the funniest little furball ever?

    It's true, I made the mistake of packing the dishes in with my heavy books. But my other packing choices that Shiimsa warned me against have so far met with complete success! That silly girl objected to:

    -towels in the same suitcase as black clothes
    -the cheese grater in the same box as my silver jewelry box
    -my nylons in with the porcupine quill native crafts

    I can't wait to get to Mississauga! I'm hoping to be able to come home and visit every single weekend!

    Do you know if there are any social events planned over at Gordon's Gas, Cars, Coffee, and Crepes this summer?

    Liz

     
  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    I guess Zeds up now. I got a weird fone msg sounded like CW was running w/ the fone & Zed was chasing him, screaming, u st00pid little ****, find yrself a new agent. I left Zed a msg 2 meet me & Apes @ the doors @ 8 pm.

    L8r.

     
  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,

    THE FEMALE TOOPID HAD THIS ON THE TV. ARE YOU CERTAIN THAT YOUR TOOPID'S NEW NAME ISN'T "WHITE SWAN"?

    MAKE SURE WHITE SWAN BRINGS YOU TO MILBOROUGH EACH AND EVERY WEEKEND, MY LOVE. I KNOW THAT YOU ARE RESOURCEFUL AND WILL FIND A WAY. DO NOT LOSE HOPE. NEVER FORGET THAT WE ARE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

    YOUR LOVING FAUSTUS

     
  • At 6:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, liz, naw, i haven't heard abt ne social events @ gordo's.

    apes

     
  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, angra mainyu, mom just called me on my cell fone. she sez she was sitting @ her computer trying 2 remember howta send an e-mail, when buttsy hopped up on2 her lap. suddenly she felt like she was in a trance, typing in all caps @ sum website she'z never seen and writing sum stuff she didn't understand. afterwards, she cdn't remember ne deets abt what she'd written or where, but buttsy was lookin' @ her kinda funny & she cd swear she was, like, laffin' @ mom's arse. so, i think mayB buttsy was pretending 2 b u or sumthin'. i alwayz thot that bunny had a strange sense of humour, eh?

    apes

     
  • At 8:07 PM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    since duncan wasn't calling me back, i decided to show up at that vatikan place. oh, hey, i think i c dunc w/april and sum tall, skinny girl in black, baggy clothes. i hope duncan likes the nun's habit i've got on!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

     
  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, y the eff is kimmi here dressed like a nun?!?!?!?!

    apes

     
  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    OMG, OMG, OMG. I think I misunderstood Kimmi when she said shed found her vocation. Now Kimmi & Zed r yelling @ each other.

    Im going 2 hide in the mens room 4 awhile.

    L8r.

     
  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    this is a v. v. awkward sitch!

    i think i need an nrg drink!!!

    apes

     
  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    I cant stay in the mens room ne longer or Ill have a new bf.

    Im out the window. I think Ill go find Bambi @ the squat.

    L8r.

    Fish Boy

     

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