April's Real Blog

Monday, June 26, 2006

Choke hold?

So, Liz told me more abt that day Susan an' Paul both showed up an' it turned out that they'd known ea other as kidz on the powwow circuit, all "Chipper!" "Suds!" Liz was all, "I've almost finished packing!" I think that was cuz she wanted 2 turn the subj of the convo back 2 herself after feeling all insignif. Paul was, like, "Seems strange 2 C this apartment looking so empty." And Susan was all, "It won't B in September! That's when I'll B moving in." Paul sed, "Right! So I'll C U around!" Liz was working her labelling gun just then an' feelin' taller than usual. Also quite Mike-like in the loox dept. Then Paul suddenly grabbed her fr. behind, in this weird choke-hold embrace of her neck, which made her drop her labelling gun, while he sed, "That is, until I get transferred. I want 2 B closer 2 Elizabeth." And then they turned 2 face ea other, like they were gonna kiss, an' Susan was, like, "If U 2 get NE closer, I'll leave." Liz told me she was ready 2 get a whole lot closer just so Susan wd leave. At least in theory. Liz wdn't really want 2 let Susan C NEthing like that!

Woooot! Summer vacation! Tho I'm already starting full-time @ Lilliput's 2day. Which kinda sux, but @ least it gets me outta the house an' away from "Retirement Elly". ::rolleyez::

Peace out!



  • At 9:56 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I had a great time in Toronto attending the Pride festivities this weekend. I took Marjee Mahaha and she was the perfect choice. We stayed over at my aunt and uncle Kelpfroth’s apartment, but we were barely there. We saw Duncan and his girlfriend in the crowd at the Dyke March, we did not get much time to stop and say hello.

    I do have some news. In addition to all the dancing and marching and general all night partying, Marjee and I went to see Hello Again at the Tarragon Theatre. It’s an adult musical fantasy based on Arthur Schnitzler’s LaRonde and who should I see in there, but one of my oldest and dearest friends from the Milborough Training School for Boys in the cast. I called him by his nickname “Licker” and he called me by my nickname “Studs”. It is my sincere hope that I do not have to explain to you where those nicknames came from. Marjee and I had a fantastic time with him and I made sure that while we were reminiscing about the bad, old days in the Training School, Marjee did not feel insignificant.

    His real name is Graham Sheppard and he is a bisexual and just a great guy. I couldn’t believe how much he has changed since the Training School. He cuts quite a cute figure. He is in Toronto for awhile. The musical has some more performances, and then it transfers to play in a different city. But until then, I expect to keep having a great time with Graham. I told him I was engaged to be married, but it did not spoil the party too much. The fact that I was engaged to a woman who was not Marjee threw him off because Marjee was unexpectedly physically affectionate. She would put her arm around me when I was talking to Graham, or sometimes she would hug my neck from behind. Graham said, “If you two get any closer, you should get a room.” I explained to Graham that we were staying at my aunt and uncle’s and so he invited us to spend the evening at his hotel, which was a fancy suite. We had a really nice time and Marjee made a comment about how it had been a long time since she had… I think I better stop there. Let’s just say, everyone was happy with the conclusion.

    Howard K.

  • At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings talking about my sweet girl and Chipper and me again. It is strange for you to write about me, when I have never met you. Someday, we will have to meet. I noticed that your sister has not explained to you about the powwow trail where I first met Susan Dokis, so I will explain.

    Most families travel the powwow trail from mid-June to mid-September. These are the months that children do not have to worry about going to school. For the whole summer, you travel with your parents from one powwow to the other. For most powwow folks, a powwow weekend begins on Thursday. On this day you sleep in for as long as possible, then you get up with your dancing outfits and your camping gear. Most powwows start at 6:00 p.m. Thursday and go until Sunday. On Sunday night, they announce the dance winners. My parents would count on the prize money to pay some bills and to get the family to the next powwow. Then you repeat the whole thing next weekend at a different powwow. It was a great way to grow up and I always looked forward to summers. You meet people all over Ontario and in many other places. And this is where I met Susan Dokis for the first time. Like I said before, I hadn’t seen her since she went to university. And as a policeman, I no longer have the time to follow the powwow trail. I don’t get that much time off. As a teacher, Chipper will get the summers off, and unless she teaches summer school, like my sweet girl is doing in Mississauga, she could rejoin the powwow trail. I hope she does.

    If my transfer to Toronto goes through, I will be glad to be living close to your sister again. Until then, I can visit my sweet girl whenever I get enough time off to do the 2 days travel to and from Northwest Ontario to Toronto. Until then, if I have just a day or two off, I may go up and visit Chipper and we can talk about old times on the powwow trail. I remember she used to make fun of my trying to keep so clean in my powwow dance outfit. Kids are naturally dirty. Your sister tells me I am Spartan in my cleaning. I guess it is something you do not outgrow.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Does Lizardbreath know you are speaking so frankly about her love life in your Blog? During the Christmas holidays, she jumped all over me for wanting to write a column about how she chose the cop over the helicopter pilot, which I thought would be a nice piece explaining how the university-educated, white man does not always win the girl over the not university-educated, native man. That was not nearly as salacious as what your Blog entry today suggests. I applaud your daring, but I should mention that Lizardbreath runs pretty fast and hits pretty hard. Something to remember, the next time you see her.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, talkin’ ‘bout ur sis’ luv life. ew! ew! & dubble-ew!

    my luv life w/eva barely survived the prom & the aftah party. she wuz all ovah duncan & i wuz glad u talked 2 her 2 get her 2 stop, cuz i wuz feelin’ pretty insignificant. thanx, april.

    @least we got paid. my 1st payin’ gig w/rebeccah n ages. so i tuk eva sum place nice. she sed, “don’t u wanna go 2 the dyke march n TO & c naked breasts?” i sed, “y shud i do that wen ur breasts r bettah than ne dyke n TO’s breasts?” eva didn’t have an answer 4 that 1. she has a lotta pride n her breasts. we stayed n mboro & watched the world cup nstead.

  • At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    I think my mom may let me go to Lilliput’s today, so I might see you. I wanted to visit a book store but after the card store, my mom has not let me go to stores because she is afraid I would get lost. But I told her that you were working at Lilliput’s, so if I got lost, you would find me, like you did at the card store that time. I hope it was all right to say that. I don’t try to get lost on purpose. I am not as tall as most people, so it is hard for me to know where I am in places where I can’t see over things. My mom said she might take me to Lilliput’s today. I hope I see you, and I don’t have to get lost to see you. I really don’t like getting lost.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 2:44 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. Mom wants me to remind you that it is Liz's 25th birthday and you should give her a call. Why she can't tell you this herself, I don't know.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i guess the skool peeps have 4given me 4 the sound probz w/shakespeare n the cafetorium, cuz of how well the prom went. i now have a gig doin’ the sound 4 the r. p. boire senior secondary school graduation on thursday nite. it’s not 2 xxcitin’, but it’s money. the principal sed he wunted 2b able 2 hear the speaker & know he or she wuz borin’ nstead of tryin’ 2 guess this year. i wuzn’t @last year’z grad 4 r. p. boire, since i wuz @our grade 8 grad, so i dunno wut he’s talkin’ ‘bout. shud b no prob, so long az no1 iz switchin’ out my equipment @the last moment, like wut happed w/the shakespeare thing.

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i m glad 2 hear u an' marjee had such a fun wkend! i promise not 2 ask ne questionz abt thoze nicknames!

    paul, thanx 4 explaining abt the powwow trail. that soundz like fun.

    mike, sumhow i think yr article wda been much worse than what i write here on the blog, but i guess that's subjective, eh?

    jeremy, sorry 2 squick u out like that!

    shannon, that was a funny prank u played on yr mom 2day, pretending 2 get "lost" in the children's book area! yr mom doesn't seem 2 like practical jokes much, tho.

    hey, so happy birthday, liz!


  • At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Little sis. It is good for a writer to esteem themselves highly. I do not mind if you think your Blog writing is superiour to my professional and well-educated writing. You're wrong, of course, but I appreciate your position.

    My play’s director Mr. Miroirbelle, said it would be all right for me to sit through a rehearsal of the play this afternoon. Of course, he only agreed because I showed up at the rehearsal, and would not leave, and because I didn’t have copy of the script with me. It was a delight seeing younger versions of me, Lawrence and Gordo rollicking about the stage in imitation of our younger years when we menaced the neighbourhood with a lust for laughter. I was having a very enjoyable experience being involved in the creative process, when I suddenly realized that instead of using ripe tomatoes to menace the metropolis of Milborough, the fine, young actor playing me was talking about detonating explosives. I went to speak to Mr. Miroirbelle about it and he said explosives were right and he showed me the script where, sure enough, it said explosives and not ripe tomatoes. My memory must be getting bad since I have passed the big 30.

    I was going along pretty well and then I noticed another anomaly. When I had my fateful confrontation with the young Brad Luggsworth, I seem to remember saying, “I do not deign to enter into hostilities with such as you, my tormentor, for to accede to violence is to become violence” and then I convinced Brad that being friends was better than being enemies and he showered me with worshipful adoration from that day forward. I don’t remember a fight scene that ended up with my having a knife at Brad’s throat and saying, “You don’t like René Descartes? Then I will De-cut you up!” Once again, I spoke to Mr. Miroirbelle, and after he pointed to the section in the script that once again was exactly as portrayed on the stage, I thought he said, “What’s it feel like to have someone alter your work for a change, Patterson?” But when I asked Mr. Miroirbelle if that was what he said, he replied, “No, sir. I said, ‘What it must feel to have someone as awesomely talented as you producing work to make a change for a better world.’” It is a wonderful feeling for my life to be so inspirational to young people.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:09 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    That's right. I was "pretending" to be lost. You are right, April, my mom doesn't like practical jokes. I think if I hadn't been crying so much, she would have thought it was funnier.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky was in a foul mood today. I had Graham Sheppard, my new beau, over for dinner with Marjee Mahaha. After a little yelling later, I had to send Graham and Marjee out to get some groceries for me, while I calmed Becky down. It turned out she got very mad at Luis for declaring that he was going to go by a single name Luis instead of by his first and last names. She thought it was a direct challenge to her single stage name of “Rebeccah.” Apparently something happened at the prom dance performance when both Luis and Becky were playing keyboards at the same time, which I didn’t quite understand. All Becky would really say is that Luis likes to dominate, which I suppose means that Becky didn’t get to play keyboard like she likes to do. Then apparently your mom’s website description of Luis was much more complimentary of Luis than it has ever been of Becky, which I guess bothers Becky more than she lets on. Then Becky got down to the heart of the matter. She said, “You’re not going to transfer out of here, when Graham’s play transfers out of Toronto?” I said, “I am engaged to you, not Graham. Graham and I are just having a little fun which I cannot legally have with you until you are 18.” That seemed to make Becky happier, and when Graham and Marjee returned, it went a lot more smoothly. I am taking Graham and Marjee to see my show tonight, and Becky is coming too. She said she needed to talk to her dad.

    Howard K.

  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, shannon, i thot u were pretend-crying. 4give me?

    howard, i'm sorry 2 hear becks was upset. hope u all have fun @ that show!


  • At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Wheee, this is going to be fun!


  • At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    That's right. I was "pretend" crying. I should have told my mom that. Then she wouldn't have been so upset. You are so smart April. Of course, I forgive you for not telling me that idea earlier. You're the nicest girl I know, but even you can't think of everything.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 9:13 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I think Graham enjoyed the first show. It's hard to tell from my vantage point on stage. I could tell that there was some good booing coming from that side of the audience, when I portrayed the evil opera-singing, denture-stealer. Of course, both Graham and Marjee have been drinking Brennevin, so they are quite drunk, and Marjee has lost whatever restraint she normally has, which is usually not very much. In addition to grabbing Graham around the neck, I think she has had him in half-nelsons, full nelsons, and choke holds. Those who don't know Marjee would consider those to be wrestling moves, but for Marjee they are preludes to other things.

    On the other hand, Becky is having a very intense conversation with her dad and I am very curious about what is going on. I guess I'll find out later, since it's time for show #2.

    Howard K.

  • At 9:13 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    You are always saying I should learn to assert myself. Well I found a way to assert myself when I was feeling insignificant during Susan and Paul's little "reunion." As you know I told you Paul was staring at Susan kind of goggle-eyed and it was making me very upset.

    Well we went inside and I started to pack again while they talked. I was angry, kind of slamming stuff into boxes. I said, "I'm almost finished packing!" only I said it in kind of a snotty voice because I was kind of ticked off at Paul for just standing there talking to Susan when he came up to Mtigwaki to help me pack. That was our plan until Suddenly Sexy Susan threw a wrench into it.

    Then Paul made a comment about how the place looked empty. That really ticked me off even worse because the place wasn't empty! The furniture was still there and the art was even still on the walls. He is always making comments about how much stuff I have compared to his Spartan house and he doesn't sound nasty but I think he is trying to say I am sloppy or a greedy white girl or something. Of course I have tried to ignore it, but it makes me angry and confused when he says stuff like this. So I grabbed the tape dispenser for the packing tape and I really slammed it against the top of the box because I was angry, and the tape got all tangled up and stuck to the dispenser.

    Well I stood up to try to untangle it but Paul hardly noticed and didn't even try to help me. He was too busy making plans to meet up with Susan in September when she moves to Mtigwaki. Oh I was so mad! Why is he paying so much attention to her?

    So I took drastic action. When I emailed you earlier I didn't quite tell the truth. Paul didn't put that "choke hold" on me. I wanted to get his attention so I backed up until I was standing against him and then I reached up and pulled his arms around me. I was trying to get it to look romantic but Paul was all startled because he had been paying so much attention to Susan that he didn't even notice what I was doing! So the hug looked really awkward I am sure. But Paul did hug me and even said, "I want to move closer to Elizabeth," so that was progress. Although I noticed he didn't call me "sweet girl." Usually he calls me "sweet girl" or at least just "girl." But he didn't. I was upset because I wanted him to call me "sweet girl" in front of Susan so she would know Paul is MINE.

    So then I decided you were right, I should really assert myself and get what I want. So I turned around and put my arms around the back of Paul's neck and pulled his head in close so we were staring right into each other's eyes. Paul was sort of stunned. I usually don't let him do PDAs in front of Natives because they are so gossipy and I don't want anyone thinking I am a roadside piece of coffee cake. I didn't think Paul was acting that into me but it must have been enough to give Susan the message because she said she was going to leave if we went any further, so she must of thought we were gonna really make out hard. Yes! Now she really knows who Paul belongs to.

    Also, I actually did think one really bad thought--that I wished she would leave and never come back. But that's not right. I am sure I can trust Paul and Susan. Paul treats me like I am the queen of the universe, which is just the way I like it. I just don't like it when they talk about stuff I don't know anything about because then it is like Paul's world is revolving around some other girl, and not me anymore. But I am sure that is not true. Next time I will steer the conversation to things I am interested in, like cats and ballroom dancing and gossip about old friends who are getting divorced.


  • At 12:51 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I am sorry if my letter sounded paranoid before. I got all worked up and I probably shouldn't have. It is not nice to not trust someone. I try hard to trust everybody. Anthony says it's one of my best qualities and I don't want to disappoint people.

    See, right after the PDA stuff, Susan said she really did have to go. I guess Vivian told her she had to help make food for my big party. That made me feel reassured. I feel insignificant when people are talking about things that don't include me. It was nice to see Susan wasn't going to just talk about herself all night but was going to do some work on my party, which after all is the most important thing going on in the village right now. So everyone should be focused on it, right? That's what I thought too.

    After Susan left I told Paul how Auntie Marg told me to make some gifts for the party. I was hoping Paul would explain that to me because where I come from down south it is rude to tell someone they have to bring someone a gift. I was pretty sure it must be a special native custom. But Paul didn't give me a good explanation. He just said there would be a "give away." So I was kind of annoyed because not only was he not telling me what I wanted to hear but he was just standing there and watching me while I lifted some heavy boxes.

    So I decided to be assertive like you always want me to. I said, "Paul, why didn't you explain the custom to me? And why aren't you helping me with these boxes? Don't you care about my feelings? And men should have to do housework too!" I was really pleased with myself because I did what you always say ("be assertive") and also I said some of the things Mom says work to make men do what you want.

    Well it worked because Paul helped me pick up a box and while we did that he explained that the party would be a traditional ceremony and that it meant I was accepted into the community and that it was quite an honor. I got so surprised by this that my eyes went really wide and I hopped on one foot. Let me tell you that is a bad idea when you are carrying a heavy box of books. The box fell down onto the floor.

    That was actually ok with me because I had more important things to do. I wish someone had told me that people throwing a big party for me was a big honor that I should dress up for. It's just not fair to surprise a girl like that! But when you are living in a different culture you have to roll with the punches so I ran right over to a clothing box and started looking for a dress. I had been planning to wear my forest green pants with my yellow ochre t-shirt but for a traditional native ceremony I am thinking I should probably dress up more. I am really cursing that I gave my sexy red dress to you April. That would sure have made me stand out at my party and also helped remind Paul who is the center of his whole universe (wink wink)!

    Well I totally didn't notice this but later Paul told me that when I dropped the box of books it fell on his foot. And it was really heavy so he couldn't pick it up again, he had to just scooch it across the floor while he asked me what I was doing. I guess that is why his voice sounded a little strained--his foot hurt. Well I feel kind of bad about that but he should not of surprised me by telling me a party in my honor is an honor, you know?

    By the way April I have this one red tank top that is stiff as a board like it's made out of cardboard and not cotton or something. What do you think could cause that?



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